Thanks to Wildecat for the review...hope this wets the appetite ;)
Three weeks. Three whole weeks and I haven't seen him. I've avoided him at all costs, deliberately taken the longest route possible in order to avoid walking past his office, I've left my office phone permanently on voice-mail and have dropped the graveyard shift in order to leave base before he returns from missions. I know it sounds childish and in a way it probably is. But you see, if I don't see him...I don't have to deal with all the conflicting emotions that run through me. If I don't hear his voice, it doesn't remind me of those early mornings we used to share before he was fully awake. If I don't see him...I can pretend he's not really there.
But of course, it doesn't work. In the back of my mind I know that I'll have to face him. I know that we need to talk about what has happened. I know that we need to resolve the issues between us and I know that he never gives up that easily. Although I have to admit, it's the longest he's ever given me. Whenever something went wrong in our relationship, he'd always be the one to back off and give me the space I needed. He'd wait for me to approach him, wait for me to make the first move and he'd wait for me to initiate the peace making. Because he knew if he pushed me, and I wasn't ready...he'd lose me.
I put a friendly smile on my face as I walk into Sam's lab.
"Hey Sam."
"Hey. How you doing?"
"Oh fine..." I sit down at the desk infront of her PC and pull out the relevant CD's. "You know...it's a lot of work." I frown as I insert the first CD and begin to upload the new program. "Although it is strange. It's the first time I've worked on a project that results in my job being made obsolete."
Sam smiles as she sits down opposite me. "You should be used to strange occurrences by now. I mean you've worked here for nearly four years now. You've seen it all. Alien invasion, weird devices, gunfire all around the base, people coming back from the dead..."
I look up at her and I know she knows. That last comment was very poignant...too much to just be a coincidence. "He told you then."
"Yes."
I check all the uploaded files and insert the second disk, leaving it to run as I turn my full attention to her. "And?"
"And...I think that the two of you need to talk. He loves you Natalie. He's lost so much over the years, he doesn't want to lose anything else. He doesn't want to lose you." I look down at my finger nails as she carries on talking. "He knows that things are not looking so good at the moment. He knows that it's going to take time to put your relationship back together...and he's not asking for miracles. He just wants a second chance. He wants to make it right."
I suck in my lower lip and chew on it, whilst I consider a polite response. In the end I give up and decide that honesty is the best policy and she may as well get it from me. "Sam...can he take away all the pain I've felt for the last year? Can he, magically wave his finger and erase my memories, of each and every time I awoke from a nightmare reaching for him...to find him not there? Can he make me forget the anger and hatred I felt towards Jonas when he first came here? Can he take back all the nasty things I said to him?"
Sam shook her head softly. "No...of course not."
"Well then he can't make it right. No one can. I'm happy that he's back. I'm happy that he's safe and he's back with the people who love him. But as much as I still love him and as much as I long to be able to throw my arms around him and welcome him back. It's not that easy. I can't forget all the pain Sam. I don't think I ever will be able to."
I took out the second disk and uploaded the remaining files. I was aware of her gaze on me and I knew she was only trying to help, but it infuriated me that Daniel had chosen now to inform his team of what was going on. "If you had a second chance Natalie, if you were able to go back and change anything...would you?"
I pick up the disks and get up out of the chair. "Yes. Yes I would." I walk over to the door and turn to look at her. "I would never have dated him."
I walk briskly down the hall to my final destination. The office I'd been avoiding for the past three weeks, the one I'd left until last. After this, Aurora would be installed on every PC on the base, my job would be obsolete and tomorrow would be a new day. I take a deep breath and walk in, stopping abruptly when I take in the state of the office. Sandy is sat in the middle of the floor, books and broken artifacts all around her. She's sobbing quietly as she attempts to pile some of the books together.
"Sandy? What happened?"
She looks up, a grim expression on her face and tears still tracking down her checks. My heart goes out to her. She looks so distressed and so annoyed. "Dr Jackson doesn't seem to think I'm doing my job well enough. He constantly compares me to you, moans about my filing and insinuates that I'd be better off as a janitor."
I can feel my own anger begin to boil inside me but I know better than to take it out on the wrong person. "I tell you what. You go and get a cup of coffee, take a few hours off...and I'll sort this mess out. I have to upload Aurora anyway, so I can tidy the office whilst I'm waiting." I help her off the floor and gently push her out of the door. Once she's gone, I insert the first disk into the PC and gather the books together, cross-referencing them as I go.
As I place the last books on the shelves I know he's standing in the doorway. I didn't hear him approach and he hasn't said anything. But I can smell the faint aroma of his aftershave and the coffee that he's holding. "You know...it's not her fault."
"I know."
"So why did you lose your temper with her?"
"I'm just...I'm a little frustrated at the moment..."
",,,so take it out on the person you're frustrated with!"
"They've been avoiding me."
"They're here now." I turn and face him. "Say what you want. I don't work here as of tomorrow...nothing you can say to me will change anything."
"Really? Because you know, I thought that was the whole point of this little exercise. I thought this was all about the secret Natalie."
"That's not what this is about Daniel. You can't just walk in here, over a year after you died and expect me to pick up where we left off."
"I don't expect to Natalie." He moves forward and sits down on the edge of his desk and I finish uploading the new software to his computer. "But I know it's not about that. I know that something else is bothering you. Something you're too scared to let go of."
"Don't push me Daniel." I can feel the anger building up inside me as he pushes all the buttons he's knows will make me talk.
"Why don't you just say it." His voice is eerily calm. "Why don't you just tell me what's bothering you the most?"
"Don't make me say it Daniel."
"Why?"
"Because you damn well know what this is about." I stare at him, knowing he can see the anger and the hurt in my eyes. I look at him and I know I don't need to say it. I know that he realizes what the problem really is and that this isn't about me telling him. It's about me facing it.
"I didn't have a choice Natalie."
And that was the final button. "You. Had. A. Choice. Daniel! You were dying. Before Oma swept in and offered you a choice - death was the only option. You made a conscious decision to leave me out of your dying moments. You made the choice to deny me the chance to say goodbye. You left me not knowing what had happened, not knowing that you were ok, not giving me the opportunity to grieve, to talk to anyone....it could have been so different. I didn't need to be excluded and I didn't need to go through all that pain. You did that Daniel...that was your choice. And I don't think I can ever forgive you for that."
He holds my gaze, without blinking, without looking away. "What I did was wrong. But I can't go back and change that now. All I know is that we have to get through this together. All we're doing at the moment is hurting each other more."
I close my eyes in frustration, because although my head is adamant in it's response, I know my heart will not allow me to follow it. He's right of course. Instead of trying to help each other through a ridiculously unbelievable situation, all we're doing is pushing each other away. But the problem is I don't know where to draw the line anymore. SG1 was always Daniel's first priority. When a mission went bad and he was late home, I knew he'd be at Jack's with a bottle of beer and I knew he wouldn't come back until the morning. His team mates always came first and again it was something that I accepted. Although looking back, maybe that was a big mistake on my part as well. I sigh heavily and open my eyes. "I don't think we can come back from this. I don't think there is anyway to..."
"...make up for something I've done wrong." Despite myself I smile. I already know he said this to Sam when they found him. She said she thought he was subconsciously referring to his interference in the fight against Anubis. At the time, I agreed with her. Now...now I'm not so sure. I can see it in his eyes right now. The regret, the pain, the love, the hate...so many emotions running through his mind. Many of them I am sure we share.
I stand up slowly. "You lost my trust that day Daniel...something I never thought I'd say to you. It will take time to rebuild that trust...and time is something you don't have. But I want you to know that I'll always love you, I just..." I hear my voice begin to tremble and I know that in a few more minutes it will all be over. "...I can't let you in again. I can't go through that again. I can't lose you again...and I know you can't promise me it will never happen again." Tears start to fall as he pulls me into his arms and holds me close.
"No...I can't. But I can promise you that I will never shut you out again. I can promise you that I will include you in all I do and consider your needs as much as mine. And I can promise you..." I hear his breath catch in his throat and I feel a gentle kiss on my head. "...I can promise you that I will love you as long as I live...and beyond."
"And then what Daniel? What comes after love?" I mumble softly against his chest.
I feel his smile on my forehead. "After love? After love...comes hope."
Three weeks. Three whole weeks and I haven't seen him. I've avoided him at all costs, deliberately taken the longest route possible in order to avoid walking past his office, I've left my office phone permanently on voice-mail and have dropped the graveyard shift in order to leave base before he returns from missions. I know it sounds childish and in a way it probably is. But you see, if I don't see him...I don't have to deal with all the conflicting emotions that run through me. If I don't hear his voice, it doesn't remind me of those early mornings we used to share before he was fully awake. If I don't see him...I can pretend he's not really there.
But of course, it doesn't work. In the back of my mind I know that I'll have to face him. I know that we need to talk about what has happened. I know that we need to resolve the issues between us and I know that he never gives up that easily. Although I have to admit, it's the longest he's ever given me. Whenever something went wrong in our relationship, he'd always be the one to back off and give me the space I needed. He'd wait for me to approach him, wait for me to make the first move and he'd wait for me to initiate the peace making. Because he knew if he pushed me, and I wasn't ready...he'd lose me.
I put a friendly smile on my face as I walk into Sam's lab.
"Hey Sam."
"Hey. How you doing?"
"Oh fine..." I sit down at the desk infront of her PC and pull out the relevant CD's. "You know...it's a lot of work." I frown as I insert the first CD and begin to upload the new program. "Although it is strange. It's the first time I've worked on a project that results in my job being made obsolete."
Sam smiles as she sits down opposite me. "You should be used to strange occurrences by now. I mean you've worked here for nearly four years now. You've seen it all. Alien invasion, weird devices, gunfire all around the base, people coming back from the dead..."
I look up at her and I know she knows. That last comment was very poignant...too much to just be a coincidence. "He told you then."
"Yes."
I check all the uploaded files and insert the second disk, leaving it to run as I turn my full attention to her. "And?"
"And...I think that the two of you need to talk. He loves you Natalie. He's lost so much over the years, he doesn't want to lose anything else. He doesn't want to lose you." I look down at my finger nails as she carries on talking. "He knows that things are not looking so good at the moment. He knows that it's going to take time to put your relationship back together...and he's not asking for miracles. He just wants a second chance. He wants to make it right."
I suck in my lower lip and chew on it, whilst I consider a polite response. In the end I give up and decide that honesty is the best policy and she may as well get it from me. "Sam...can he take away all the pain I've felt for the last year? Can he, magically wave his finger and erase my memories, of each and every time I awoke from a nightmare reaching for him...to find him not there? Can he make me forget the anger and hatred I felt towards Jonas when he first came here? Can he take back all the nasty things I said to him?"
Sam shook her head softly. "No...of course not."
"Well then he can't make it right. No one can. I'm happy that he's back. I'm happy that he's safe and he's back with the people who love him. But as much as I still love him and as much as I long to be able to throw my arms around him and welcome him back. It's not that easy. I can't forget all the pain Sam. I don't think I ever will be able to."
I took out the second disk and uploaded the remaining files. I was aware of her gaze on me and I knew she was only trying to help, but it infuriated me that Daniel had chosen now to inform his team of what was going on. "If you had a second chance Natalie, if you were able to go back and change anything...would you?"
I pick up the disks and get up out of the chair. "Yes. Yes I would." I walk over to the door and turn to look at her. "I would never have dated him."
I walk briskly down the hall to my final destination. The office I'd been avoiding for the past three weeks, the one I'd left until last. After this, Aurora would be installed on every PC on the base, my job would be obsolete and tomorrow would be a new day. I take a deep breath and walk in, stopping abruptly when I take in the state of the office. Sandy is sat in the middle of the floor, books and broken artifacts all around her. She's sobbing quietly as she attempts to pile some of the books together.
"Sandy? What happened?"
She looks up, a grim expression on her face and tears still tracking down her checks. My heart goes out to her. She looks so distressed and so annoyed. "Dr Jackson doesn't seem to think I'm doing my job well enough. He constantly compares me to you, moans about my filing and insinuates that I'd be better off as a janitor."
I can feel my own anger begin to boil inside me but I know better than to take it out on the wrong person. "I tell you what. You go and get a cup of coffee, take a few hours off...and I'll sort this mess out. I have to upload Aurora anyway, so I can tidy the office whilst I'm waiting." I help her off the floor and gently push her out of the door. Once she's gone, I insert the first disk into the PC and gather the books together, cross-referencing them as I go.
As I place the last books on the shelves I know he's standing in the doorway. I didn't hear him approach and he hasn't said anything. But I can smell the faint aroma of his aftershave and the coffee that he's holding. "You know...it's not her fault."
"I know."
"So why did you lose your temper with her?"
"I'm just...I'm a little frustrated at the moment..."
",,,so take it out on the person you're frustrated with!"
"They've been avoiding me."
"They're here now." I turn and face him. "Say what you want. I don't work here as of tomorrow...nothing you can say to me will change anything."
"Really? Because you know, I thought that was the whole point of this little exercise. I thought this was all about the secret Natalie."
"That's not what this is about Daniel. You can't just walk in here, over a year after you died and expect me to pick up where we left off."
"I don't expect to Natalie." He moves forward and sits down on the edge of his desk and I finish uploading the new software to his computer. "But I know it's not about that. I know that something else is bothering you. Something you're too scared to let go of."
"Don't push me Daniel." I can feel the anger building up inside me as he pushes all the buttons he's knows will make me talk.
"Why don't you just say it." His voice is eerily calm. "Why don't you just tell me what's bothering you the most?"
"Don't make me say it Daniel."
"Why?"
"Because you damn well know what this is about." I stare at him, knowing he can see the anger and the hurt in my eyes. I look at him and I know I don't need to say it. I know that he realizes what the problem really is and that this isn't about me telling him. It's about me facing it.
"I didn't have a choice Natalie."
And that was the final button. "You. Had. A. Choice. Daniel! You were dying. Before Oma swept in and offered you a choice - death was the only option. You made a conscious decision to leave me out of your dying moments. You made the choice to deny me the chance to say goodbye. You left me not knowing what had happened, not knowing that you were ok, not giving me the opportunity to grieve, to talk to anyone....it could have been so different. I didn't need to be excluded and I didn't need to go through all that pain. You did that Daniel...that was your choice. And I don't think I can ever forgive you for that."
He holds my gaze, without blinking, without looking away. "What I did was wrong. But I can't go back and change that now. All I know is that we have to get through this together. All we're doing at the moment is hurting each other more."
I close my eyes in frustration, because although my head is adamant in it's response, I know my heart will not allow me to follow it. He's right of course. Instead of trying to help each other through a ridiculously unbelievable situation, all we're doing is pushing each other away. But the problem is I don't know where to draw the line anymore. SG1 was always Daniel's first priority. When a mission went bad and he was late home, I knew he'd be at Jack's with a bottle of beer and I knew he wouldn't come back until the morning. His team mates always came first and again it was something that I accepted. Although looking back, maybe that was a big mistake on my part as well. I sigh heavily and open my eyes. "I don't think we can come back from this. I don't think there is anyway to..."
"...make up for something I've done wrong." Despite myself I smile. I already know he said this to Sam when they found him. She said she thought he was subconsciously referring to his interference in the fight against Anubis. At the time, I agreed with her. Now...now I'm not so sure. I can see it in his eyes right now. The regret, the pain, the love, the hate...so many emotions running through his mind. Many of them I am sure we share.
I stand up slowly. "You lost my trust that day Daniel...something I never thought I'd say to you. It will take time to rebuild that trust...and time is something you don't have. But I want you to know that I'll always love you, I just..." I hear my voice begin to tremble and I know that in a few more minutes it will all be over. "...I can't let you in again. I can't go through that again. I can't lose you again...and I know you can't promise me it will never happen again." Tears start to fall as he pulls me into his arms and holds me close.
"No...I can't. But I can promise you that I will never shut you out again. I can promise you that I will include you in all I do and consider your needs as much as mine. And I can promise you..." I hear his breath catch in his throat and I feel a gentle kiss on my head. "...I can promise you that I will love you as long as I live...and beyond."
"And then what Daniel? What comes after love?" I mumble softly against his chest.
I feel his smile on my forehead. "After love? After love...comes hope."