I lie on my back, staring at the ceiling. Lights flare through the window as cars pass on the street below. I run a hand through my hair and decide that this wasn't working.

Shouldn't have had that last cup of coffee to help Omi finish that research project.

Propping myself up on my elbows, I look around the gloomy twilight of my room. It's obvious I'm not going to be falling asleep anytime soon. I swing my legs over the side of my bed and then push back the covers. I  stand up and stretch. Might as well visit the bathroom. White goose bumps stand out on my arms as I shiver, grabbing a white undershirt and pulling it on over my head. I opened the door and walk slowly down the hallway.

I pause for a moment at Ken's door, struck by an urge to look in on him.  I love to watch Ken when Ken doesn't know he's being watched.

Ken and I have come to an understanding. After admitting to ourselves and to each other that there was more between us than just friendship, things have come to a bit of a standstill. We haven't told Youji and Omi about our feelings for each other, and out physical relationship isn't going anywhere fast. Of course when we are alone, which isn't often, we can 'fool around' as Ken likes to put it. Steamy kisses and heavy petting, but nothing more. Ken seems happy hanging out on second base, he never seems to want anything more even when I suggest that I might with my body. Ken usually pulls away or asks me to slow down, "Just hold me, koi." Second base is all well and good, but….

It isn't as if I don't appreciate what he gives me.  Being with him as we are now is an eternity better than how it was before, when I was alone in the dark, wondering if he could feel as I felt, waiting, hiding.  I yearned for him then until I thought my heart would break and there would be nothing left of me.  I waited for a sign and he gave me one, and then I nearly blew it.  Heh.  Just like me.  You'd think that I would be satisfied knowing he cares for me, that my longing would be subdued.  But no.  Knowing now, being with him now only stirs within me something darker and deeper and more painful.

I sigh and shake my head. If Ken and I are supposed to be together it's was a very odd relationship. But then again what else should I expect?  It's me and Ken, it's not supposed to be normal.

I twisted the knob on Ken's door, slipping into the dim room. As soon as the door clicks shut behind me I am hit by the deep, warm smell of Ken. I close my eyes and lean against the wall, breathing softly. I love the way Ken smells, sweet like Head and Shoulders, Old Spice, and just a hint of sweat.

I cross the room, clutching the carpet with my toes. I stop at the edge of Ken's bed and stare down at my 'koibito.'

Ken mumbles in his sleep and rolls over. He yawns and smacks his lips. He squirms and clutches at his pillow, burying his face in it. He mumbles again.

Chuckling to myself I peer at him inquisitively.  "What are you dreaming about, aité?" I whisper, crouching down beside the bed.

"… Yuriko… where…?"

I scowl a bit, my mouth working its way into a tiny frown. "That's not what I wanted to hear."

Ken sighs and tosses his arm over his head. "Where's... my bike…? Yuriko took… Australia….my bike!"

Now that's funny.  I chuckle again and subdue the urge to run my fingers over his soft, exposed skin.  "Dreaming Yuriko stole your bike? You have a twisted little mind, aité."

Ken rolls towards me and curls up in a tight ball. I watch as a smile flickers across Ken's face. He sighs deeply and buries himself deep into his covers. He begins to make funny snuffling sounds. I cock my head, and listen, raising any eyebrow.  He really is so funny when he sleeps. 

"Now what are you thinking about, Kenken?" I whisper.

Ken chokes on a moan and his eyes flutter beneath their lids. "Mmmm… koi…," he murmurs and I smile. Once again I resist the urge to reach out and touch Ken's face. I don't want to wake him. Watching Ken dream is much too much fun, even though it makes me feel a little dirty.

Ken becomes more agitated, twisting around in the covers a little. His breathing becomes quick. "… Aya-kun, wait… wait…."

"Where am I going, Ken?" I ask quietly, chuckling.

He spasms and groans. His face twists as he twists himself in the sheets. My breath catches a little.  He's having a nightmare; I ought to wake him up. Standing I imagine Ken clinging to me in the aftermath of his dream.  It's twisted and wonderful. I sit down on the edge of the bed and reach down to shake my aité awake. 

"Ken," I say gruffly. "Ken, wake up."

I shake Ken's shoulders and he fights back against me weakly.

"Ken!"

"No…n-…Aya… oh, God! Nng…." he cries out violently, still asleep.

"Ken, I'm right here! I haven't gone anywhere," I say angrily, shaking him harder.

"Ahhh!" Ken cries out as his eyes snap open. They widen as he breathes my name, "Aya-kun?!" and then they close again, almost reflexively as he sits bolt upright, doubling over, his hands clutching my shirt. He cries out hoarsely and pulls his legs up to his body.

I'm so surprised I can't do anything but let Ken rest his head against my chest while his fingers worked the fabric of my undershirt.  He doesn't move for several moments. His eyes remain squeezed shut as he pants against me heavily. After a few moments he makes and odd strangled sound and tears himself away from me, pressing his hands down into the sheets between his legs.

"Aya?! What the hell are you doing here?!" he hisses, averting his face. He's blushing furiously.

Now what on earth is the matter with him?  I raise and eyebrow, amused by my koibito's antics.  I don't answer the question. "Having a bad dream, Ken?" I ask gently.

He shoots me a shy glance and then looks away again quickly. "I wouldn't say it was a –bad- dream…," he mumbled.

I raise an eyebrow and then looked down at Ken's hands, which are pressing into the sheets in his lap. Understanding, I begin to chuckle. "You were having one of those dr…?!"

"Shut-up, Aya, it's not funny! Don't tell me you've never had one! God, I'm so embarrassed…."

He's so endearing.  Growing serious and look lovingly at Ken, but Ken's in no position to notice since he's concentrating on not meeting my eyes. "Why should you be embarrassed, Ken? I'm flattered. I dream about you all the time," he said softly.

When Ken looks up, still blushing, he's only inches from my face. The intensity of my eyes must catch him off guard, because he blanches, those dark, melting eyes of his flashing uncertainty. "Aya…."

I lean closer, letting my tongue slip from between my lips to gently flick over the corner of Ken's mouth. Ken sighs without thinking.  I know how sensitive my koibito's lips are.  I know how much he loves to be kissed. 

"Dream come true, Kenken?" I asked softly.

His eyes fly open and he pushes me away roughly. "You can stop mocking me now!" he snaps. "Ha ha, very clever. I've got to go clean myself up."

He slides away from me and gets out on the opposite side of his bed, rushing to the door and shutting it behind him with a sound thud.

I sit on the end of the bed and look after him. "Jesus," I hiss. Oh well, I wasn't planning on sleeping any time soon anyway. I stand and stretch.

I hear the door slam down the hallway and sigh.  Ken Ken Ken.  What am I going to do with you?  I follow after him and pause for a moment outside the door, listening as he mumbles and curses to himself on the other side. I hear what sounds like his boxers sloppily slap into the tub.  Mmm… Ken's getting naked.  I turn the handle and push the door open with my foot, leaning against the doorjamb so that I can observe Ken as he rails against himself for a few more moments.  Ken can be so dramatic.

"Want some help?" I ask nonchalantly from the doorway.

Ken gives a strange squeak and spins around crying, "Aya!"

I peer at him blandly from the doorway, raising one eyebrow and blinking slowly.

After a few moments he apparently realizes that he's bottomless and sinks to the floor, yanking his shirt down over his knees.

I rolled his eyes and step into the bathroom. "Ken, what are you doing? It's not like you've got anything I haven't already seen," I say gruffly, waving a hand before my own body.

Ken looked flustered and blushs. "Well you haven't seen mine," he snaps defensively.

"Ken! How many times have we gone to the gym together? Changed in a locker room together, changed for missions together?  I've seen not only yours but Youji's and Omi's as well."

Ken looks rather lost at this and then stammers, "Well… I'm a mess!"

"Not like I care."

"I care!"

I roll my eyes again. "Ken," I growl. This is ridiculous.

"What?!" Ken cried from his squatting position by the sink.

"Stand up."

"Why?!"

"Because I want to see you," I say bluntly.  Might as well be honest, besides a little shock therapy might be just what Ken needs.  He gapes at me, twisting his shirt, as he pulls it farther over his knees.

"No!" he says incredulously, turning an even darker shade of red.

"Why not? Are you embarrassed? You can dream about us, but you can't let me see you halfway naked? We're supposed to be together! Now for the love of God just stand up."

Ken stares at the floor for a few moments and then stoically lets go of his shirt and slowly stands up, facing me. My expression doesn't change as Ken stands before me shaking slightly, his fists clenched at his sides.

He stands there for a moment, his shirt barely covering him, his long, tanned legs completely bare just screaming, Touch me!  Touch me!!  Throw me wide and have your way with me!  I close my eyes, trying to block out the mental images that a halfway dressed, flushed and flustered Ken is pouring into my mind.  Ken standing there, refusing to look at me with his shirt covering only about half of him is possibly the most erotic thing I have ever seen, but I'm not going to scare Ken by letting it show.

Opening my eyes again I give him a brief once over and shrug. "There, was that so hard?"

Ken looks up. "Is that all?" he asks, and I swear he sounds just the tiniest bit disappointed

"Yeah that's all. Are you over your stupid inhibitions?" I ask moving towards him.  "Now can we clean you up?"

Ken backs away from me, eyes narrow. "I can clean myself up! Aya, just go back to bed."

"Oh come on, Ken, this is partly my fault after all," I say playfully, smirking, moving closer.

"Aya, I'm serious! You're weirding me out!" Ken cries

I stopped dead, halted by his words. Besides that Ken is about to fall over into the bathtub. His words sting more than I would have thought possible. "Ken."

Ken looks at me with wide, confused, torn eyes.  He puts one hand on his chest, over his heart and I know just by watching the way he's breathing that it's beating very fast.  In his eyes I can see a conflict.  Part of him doesn't want to push me away, part of him wants to accept the things I want from him.  Somewhere he knows that what I want is what he should want, and I think this is what frightens him the most.  The other part of him lets that fear grow, and is frightened of me in turn.

I stand in the middle of the bathroom holding out my arms to Ken. He looks back at me like a whipped puppy. "Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you, Aya," He says, swallowing.

"Come here."

He shakes as he stands straight and takes a step towards me. "Aya- kun, I feel kinda …"

"Ken, come here!" I growled, losing his patience.

My tone shocks him and he complies quickly, coming to stand rigidly before me, looking up at me with apprehensive eyes.  I wrap my arms around his tense body and pull him closer.

We stand still for a moment, but he refuses to relax.  I rub my hands on his back and kiss his hair gently.

"We've done worse than this," I say softly, wondering if there is more to this story than meets the eyes.  I voice my own fears as steadily as I can.  "Are you having second thoughts about us?"

Ken looks up, startled, pulling back in my arms a bit. His eyes meet mine, a brown intensity that catches me off guard. "What? No, Aya-kun, no it isn't that! I know how I feel about you! I'll always feel this way," he cries throwing his arms around my neck and burying his face in the crook of my shoulder. Relieved I gladly catch him back into my arms and tighten my grip around his young body loving the way its flat planes feel against me.

"Then what is it, Ken-kun?" I aske softly against Ken's hair.

He makes a funny sound and nuzzles at my neck. "I don't know," he whispers.

"Tell me, Ken. I want to know. Don't you want to be close to me?"

Ken tangles his hands in the hair at the nape of my neck. "I love being close to you," he says quietly. "It's just…."

One of my hands trails down Ken's back as a shiver runs through his body.  He exhales shakily against my neck as I let my hand continue downward, brushing over the curve of Ken's ass and then coming to rest on his hip. He leans into me like he might fall and tightens his grip around my neck.

"I want you," I breathe into Ken's ear.

"Wha-what?" Ken stammers, but I ignore his words, ducking my head to kiss at his neck, nipping the sensitive skin with my teeth. Ken's senses overload and he moans softly. He pulls my hair sharply as if he can't help himself, tightening his fists.

Yet I can still feel a hesitancy in his body, he can't relax, can't give himself over to my embrace, my gentle teasing.  I push my hips forward slightly, brushing the fabric of my flannel pajama pants against his legs and crotch. Now while I have him where I want him, now I have to make my move.  Swaying towards him, shuffling my feet I begin to move us backwards, keeping my eyes trained on the toilet until I back his legs against it.  I see him jump as the cold porcelain hits his flushed skin and then his knees give and he sinks down onto the seat, panting as leave one last kiss along his heated flesh. 

I straighten and look down at Ken, watching him lean his head back against the wall.  He's not paying any attention to me, which is just fine.  Crossing to the sink I grap a washcloth, running it under the warm tap.  By the time I return to him, he's still flushed and dreamy eyes, staring off into space.  Chuckling to myself I kneel between his lets and gently press the warm cloth over his groin.  Suddenly Ken's back to life.  His eyes fly open and he sits bolt upright, grabbing at my hand.

"What are you doing?!"

"You're still a mess, Ken," I say silkily, rubbing the cloth against his inner thigh despite the grip he has on my wrist.

He gasps. "Ah! Aya, no, stop!" he cries pushing my hand away more forcefully.

"Ken, just relax. I'll be nice, I promise," Aya say leaning down and kissing Ken on the lips. He is momentarily distracted and loosens his grip. I return my hand and the wet washcloth in it to Ken's crotch. Again he gaps and roughly pushes me away, shoving against me with his shoulder.

"Would you stop trying to molest me!?" he cries savagely. Surprised by the force of his shove I stumble back across the bathroom and then glare at Ken with narrow eyes.  He's such an idiot sometimes.  Does he even think about the things he says before he says them?

"Molest you?! That hurts, Ken. Two seconds ago you were all over me, and now I'm molesting you?"

"You were all over me, and besides that was different. We were kissing, Aya," Ken hisses. "We weren't…touching each other."

"And what's wrong with touching each other?!" I  demand.  Maybe now we'll get somewhere.

Ken balks at this, wanting to say something, but not able to find the words. His mouth works over nothing for a few moments. He turns his face away.

I stepped closer again, lowering my arms.  Now is my chance to talk a little sense into him. "Huh, aité? What's wrong with wanting to touch you?" I say softly. "I love you, Ken, and you know that. I only want to make you happy. Why shouldn't I want this? You're beautiful, I want to be with you. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were rejecting me."

Ken pulls his legs up onto the toilet seat with him. "I'm not trying to reject you, Aya…"

"Then what is it?!" I growl. "What has you all bound up in knots? We kiss, we hold each other, why can't we do this?!"

"Because it's wrong!" he snaps violently and then, he bites back his tongue, but it's too late. Tears suddenly fill his eyes and spilled over onto his cheeks. He's finally blurted it out and now he hides his face and cries into his bare knees.  His shoulder shakes and his body shivers.

It feels like I've been struck.  Ken's words and his reaction were unexpected, and unimaginably painful. My mind races and I feel my mouth go dry.  Is it all over so soon?  "What?" I say at length. "Ken, what are you talking about? What's wrong?"

Ken looks up; there is a strange resolution in his eyes.  It always seems like this always happens whenever Ken gets worked up with me.  He starts to say things in rush, like a flood that he can't hold back, his emotions no longer held in check. His face is covered with tears. "Everything! All of this. You and me, it's wrong. Do you think I like having dreams about you like that? I don't! It makes me feel…dirty. This whole mess makes me feel dirty. I'm not ready for any of this… I… I never thought any of this would actually happen," he practically sobs, gritting his teeth. 

I crossed to Ken and kneel at the edge of the toilet. Oh God, I'm losing him. I'm losing Ken already. "Ken…" I call softly. Ken looks at me blearily and I know he can see the raw pain in my eyes. He hides his face again, choking on another sob. "Ken, I don't understand. You told me you loved me. You said you were sure about how you feel, so what is going on?!"

Ken shakes his head helplessly. "Aya! I… I do love you! I love you so much, so, so much. That's why I can't just ignore the way I feel, even if I wanted to. I know that I should have, but I needed to tell you, and you knew that! And when you told me that you felt the same way… I was so happy, Aya- kun. I love being with you. I love the way it feels when we kiss, it's amazing, and when you hold me it feels so good, so nice, but that doesn't make it right! Just because something feels good doesn't mean it's ok… in fact it probably means the opposite. As much as I love you, I can't help but feel it isn't right!" His voice cracks with the force of his words.

Ken is being difficult. I only know of one way to deal with Ken when he is being difficult.  It worked last time, and it's going to have to work now.  I slap Ken across the face.

"You selfish prick! Do you think this whole thing revolves around you? I've heard enough of your 'right/wrong' crap, Ken. When you start waving that banner around you're not just fucking with your own emotions, you're fucking with mine too! Do you honestly think I'm going to let you cover up your insecurities with some moral shit like that?! Ken, we kill people for a living! At this point I don't think that what's right and wrong is something we need to worry about."

Ken stares at me, and I can see the sting in his eyes from my slap. He turns away, staring into his knees. I know that my words were harsh and most likely stung more than the slap I gave him, but he was being selfish.  It was time for Ken to realize it.  But from the look on his face, the worrying of his lip I know that he knows it well enough.  I see the doubts that he has chase across his face, and I wait silently for him to come to some kind of conclusion.

After a moment of waiting I sigh and sat back, resting my back against the tub. Grumbling in frustration I put my head in my hands and sigh.  Ken looks at me with  fresh tears leaking from his eyes. "Aya…"

I take a breath and regain my composure, fixing my young lover with a piercing gaze. "Listen , Ken. I don't care what society or organized religion says. When you find someone and you love that person nothing can be wrong about it whether they are the same gender or not. Love is so rare when it's real. It doesn't matter if you are a boy or not, Ken. I don't love you because you're a boy; I love you because you're Ken, because you dared to love me, the most unlovable person I know. And there is -nothing- wrong or dirty about what I feel for you."

Ken stares at me, his eyes endless and lost.  My heart is beating wildly, and I know that his does the same. I rise to my knees and lean up towards Ken until our faces are only a few inches apart.  I can feel his panting breath on my skin and the warmth radiating from his flushed face. I find his eyes and hold his gaze steadily. "I know that you aren't ready yet, Ken, but when we finally make love, and I do mean when and not if, because I'm not waiting around forever, it is going to be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened. I can feel it. It is going to be beautiful and perfect and so incredibly right that you will never doubt that we are meant to be together."

"Aya…"

I cupped Ken's face in my hands and kiss him gently. I can fell Ken shaking. "I'll wait for you. I want you. Don't you want this?"

Ken look petrified, terrified even.  He looks back at me with apprehensive eyes and shivers. "I… I want to want this, Aya… but I'm so afraid…"

"Afraid of what? Are you afraid of me? Afraid that I'll hurt you, aité?"

"Maybe… maybe a little bit. Afraid of being so close. Afraid of what others will think… Youji, Omi… they're our friends, our comrades, but will they understand? They'll never look at us the same way."

"So what? Somehow I think that Youji and Omi are going to be fine with this. We don't have to tell them until you're ready. And if they aren't ok with it, they can go to hell. There is no one in this world that is worthy of judging us, Ken. It's just you and me, right or wrong, it doesn't matter."

We both pause and I watch as my words sink in. Then he slowly sighs. He hugs his knees tightly. "Thank you."

"For what?" I ask, running a finger over his cheek bone.

"For telling me what I needed to hear. If you are ok with us, Aya, that's all I need to know."

Letting go of Ken's face I trail my hand down his bare thigh. "Let me touch you, koibito. You're still a mess."

Ken looks into my eyes and swallows hard. He nods slowly and then leans back against the toilet tank. "Oh, this is so romantic," he mutters as the handle jiggles against his back. He laughs nervously.

I smile softly, "Well that's what we get for doing this on the sly."

"I guess so."

Standing I grab the washcloth and go to rewet it under the tap. Then I come to kneel before Ken, gently pushing his legs apart. Ken stares down at me, shaking slightly. I can tell that he wants so badly to snap his legs back together, to pull them up and just tell me to go away, but he can't. He has to trust me, he needed this as much as I want it.

I take my time, being careful to be almost painfully gentle with him.  My fingers are cool when they actually touch him and the washcloth is warm and soft against his skin. I know this is the most erotic experience of Ken's life, I think it might be the most erotic experience of mine as well. It feels terrifyingly wonderful, but I can tell by the look on Ken's face that he still can't shake his sense of shame.

It doesn't take me very long to finish wiping away the semi dried mess between Ken's legs.  Smiling I look up at him. "All done," he say, tossing the washcloth into the tub to join Ken's boxers. Ken is panting softly, leaning back against the tank. "You look a little hot and bothered, aité."

Ken licks his lips, "Mm," he agrees, staring at the ceiling. I decide that I might as well press the issue as long as I can, and take my chances.  Standing up I lean over him, bracing one arm on the wall beside Ken's head. I leaned down to kiss him, and Ken receives me automatically, opening his mouth. He reaches his arms up to wrap them loosely around my neck. I know he doesn't expect what I do next.  I let my hand fall between us, running along his thigh and then up the length of his manhood, lingering, pressing gently at the tip.  He feels amazing in my hand.

He spasms against my mouth and pulls away. He turns his head, trying to see what I'm doing to him. He reaches down to try and push my hand away, but I block him with my body. "Let it go, Ken," I growl softly.

"N-no, wait, wait, Aya…." He gasps as I tighten my hand around him. He arches his back in spite of himself and blushes in shame. "A-ah… wait," he whispers.

"I'm tired of waiting, Ken. Let it go," I say more gently. I move my hand along Ken's length, feeling him grow harder at my touch. He reflexively clutches at my shirt and moans softly.  Watching him and hearing him is the most amazing thing I have ever done.  It spurs me on to move my hand a little faster, up and down, varying the pressure.

Ken arches again, his eyes flying wide open. "Aya! Oh, God… nng …stop!" He tries one last time to feebly push me away. I can see in his eyes that he doesn't really want me to stop what I am doing.  But he's ashamed for some reason.  Zuzushii.[1] I can almost hear the word  hissed inside his head, as I see it in his eyes. Tears well up once again and run silently down his face.

He's being so difficult.  I'm tired of this shit.  Doesn't he get it?  Doesn't he understand what this means, what it has to mean to be us? 

I do as he asks and stop, ceasing my rhythm, but not letting him go. Our eyes meet and I bore into him mercilessly; my eyes are so intense, so painfully aware of what is going on inside of him, no longer giving a shit. "Ken, if you want me to stop… if you really want me to stop, I will. And then I will leave. But if I leave now, I'm not coming back… ever."

Ken chokes on a sob. I can see his heart pulling apart; he doesn't want me to leave, being alone again… just the idea is more than either of us can bear.  He shakes his head. "Aya, please," he whimpers, "don't…. Please, I don't want you to go… anything, just don't leave me like this."

Sighing inwardly in relief I bend my head forward and place a gentle kiss on Ken's neck. "Then relax, Ken. Please, just let it go," I whisper urgently.

Ken nods and then his body goes limp, he has given up his last defenses. His dark head lies back against the wall and his arms hang at the sides of the toilet. I nip his neck and kiss his skin until he's panting again. The soft rhythm of Ken's pulse beats beneath my lips. I want to make that pulse scream. I want to make him scream.  And I will. I begin to move my hand again, increasing the pressure. Ken gasps, but doesn't resist. Feeling him beneath me I begin to build up a rhythm and can feel Ken's hips move slightly, reacting by instinct to meet me.

I watch as pure sensation takes over my lover's body.  His eyes close, and his face becomes a mask of feuding emotions. He drapes his right hand over my arm limply, leaving the other at his side as if he's at a loss for what to do with it.  As I take him farther and farther that arm begins to twitch expectantly. He shudders and moans, forgetting his inhibitions.

I can't help but begin breathing heavily against his neck. I lick Ken's throat and then pulled my head away to whisper in his ear. "Put your hand over mind, aité," I manage hoarsely.

Ken fights through the growing haze of pleasure that threatens to render him immobile and does as I say. Placing his hand over mine he wraps his warm finger around it. He squeezes his hand around mines and I tightened my grip in response.

Ken cries out in surprise unprepared for the sudden increase in sensation. "Ran!" he cries out. 

We both suddenly fall completely still. 

Ken pants silently, his open eyes fixed on some point beyond the bathroom wall. He is almost ready, he aches and I know it, but all I can do is hang over him, not moving, my hand still encased in Ken's. Finally I pull my head up stare at Ken with wide eyes. I know that I am shaking.  We're both shaking.

"What?" I breath.  I want him to confirm what I have heard.  I want to hear him say it again. 

Ken swallows. "I'm sorry… it just came out…" he says softly. He said my name.  My name.  My gut twists and my heart skips a beat or two.  Something inside of me starts to fall apart, but I don't mind.

I look back at him with an expression that I hope he can understand. My eyes feel soft as I look at him… can he see how happy I am?  Tiny tears slipped from my eyes. "Don't be. You're always apologizing for the wrong things," I reply softly. I lean closer again to kiss Ken tenderly on the lips.

When my hand resumes it rhythm I hear Ken moan in relief.

Ken whimpers and bucks slightly. "Almost, aité, almost," I say. He digs his fingers into my arm and tightens his grip on my hand. Wordless cries tear from his throat. A drop of sweat trickles down the side of his face.

"Hurry, Aya, please," he gasps. I quicken my pace, increasing the pressure. Ken responds by gripping me yet tighter. He moans loudly and suddenly his world explodes. He gasps and shudders as he comes between us, warm fluid flowing over his taught body and our joined hands.  I watch his beautiful face as he is swept away in ecstasy, his eyes shutting, his mouth forming a perfect 'o'.  Watching him like this give me an incredible rush.  It's almost good enough just doing this for him.  Almost.

He's made a mess of himself again, but this time he doesn't seem to mind. He falls forward limply and I catch him, letting go of the wall. "Ran…" he murmurs.

"I'm here, koibito," I whispered back. I kiss Ken's forehead and then his face, tasting the salt of Ken's sweat and tears. He tries to reciprocate, but he's spent… for the second time in one night. "I'll clean you up again, aité."

I let Ken rest back against the toilet tank, his head lying against the wall. I go to get another washcloth and clean up the mess we've made on Ken's torso. "I think you'll need to change your shirt, Kenken."

Ken looks down at himself and has to agree. He leans back again and says, "Bleh."

I smile and tug Ken's soiled shirt off over his head and then toss it into the tub along with the washcloths and his boxers. Ken sits, completely sated and completely naked against the back of the toilet. I grind my teeth, painfully aware that I am not satisfied. But I have satisfied Ken, shared our first tentative experiment with him and that is enough for me.

"I'll take you back to your room, aité," I say. Ken smiles and tries to stand up, but his legs are no doubt a little less than stable.  I let him lean against me and surprise him when I sweep him off his feet and carry him out of the bathroom in his arms. Ken curls against my chest.

"Look, I'm a princess," he giggles, kicking his legs. He sighs; he's so tired. I carry him to his room and then lay him down in his bed. I carefully pull the sheets and blankets up over him and brush his hair out of his face.

"Can you sleep naked for one night?" I ask, teasing.

Ken nods sleepily and then reaches out for me. "Stay?"

I look down at my koibito and smile softly. "I have to go clean up the bathroom. I don't think we should leave your clothes in the tub. Omi might not know why they're dirty, but Youji will."

Ken nods and smiles. "Will you come back?"

I think this over.  Ie would love more than anything to spend the night with Ken, wrapped up in his arms, listening to his soft breathing, but I had to think about Ken's feelings. I have to think about the things Ken isn't thinking about. "Do you want me in your bed when Omi wakes you up for your morning run?"

Ken's eyes grow sad and he shakes his head. "No… but…."

"Then I'll see you tomorrow," I reply softly, kissing Ken one last time before getting up and stretching. Reluctantly I walk to the door. "Good night, aité."

"Good night, Ran-kun."


[1] Zuzushii means "shameless" or "brazen"

Comments: And that was chapter 3! In its original format chapter 3 was in the third person. For a long time this really bothered me, because it didn't match in format with the rest of the story. So one of my goal for the repost was to put it into first person, which I did. Hope it turned out ok ^^;;. If anyone found any typos that escaped me in the transition let me know. I read over it so many times that eventually my eyes just did like @_@ and nothing sunk in anymore. Hehehe. Hope you enjoyed. ~_^

Disclaimer: I do not own or use for profit any of the characters or concepts portrayed above.