Chapter 24
The Ties That Bind
Anakin looked across the dark waters towards the mountains in the distance. Moonlight shone down on him, but he didn't notice. He did however sense something amiss. But what? He bowed his head. Something was wrong, but it wasn't something physical. Could it be what he felt wasn't a physical threat but something more insidious?
A soft hand slid around his shoulders and he turned to look down at Padmé. The moonlight shone on the fabric of her dress, lending it an ethereal aura, one that made it more difficult to take his eyes off her. She offered him a glass, "Thirsty?"
He accepted one of the two long stemmed glasses she held and took a sip as she did. He set it down on the thick railing behind him, unable to stomach much of anything. He was still struggling with what he'd done, what he'd willingly given in to earlier.
"What's wrong, Anakin?"
He looked at her, shaking his head. "Nothing."
"Don't give me that, Skywalker, I can feel the struggle you're going through."
He turned away from her, unable to meet her gaze again and suddenly she knew what the problem was. It'd been eating at him since he'd found her alive. She placed her glass next to his and wrapped her arms around him from behind, the breeze tugging gently on her hair. "Don't torture yourself," she told him softly.
"I can't help it."
"You can!" she pulled away, turning him towards her so she could look up into his face. "You're human, Anakin, we all make mistakes."
"Jedi don't."
"They do. Otherwise, how do you explain Carré? She wouldn't have been able to do what she did if Master Windu had been able to train her the way she needed. Jedi aren't perfect."
"We should be."
"Why?" she searched his face, "Why should anyone be perfect? Because you can use the Force?"
He nodded.
"Your powers set you aside, they don't make you flawless. You feel emotions. I know, I can feel them when you do. Jedi just have better control than the rest of us."
"Do I?" he asked raggedly. "Some control. I've fallen twice into darkness in such a short time. I let it in and let my emotions control me. I'm a failure, Padmé."
She reached up and brought her hand around with a resounding smack, tears shimmering in her eyes. "Don't you ever say that again, Anakin."
A shocked hand lifted to his face. She'd struck him. His Angel had hit him!
"You have to snap out of this. Don't you see, if you don't take your trials, if you let this eat and you and control you, we'll never be together!"
"I don't deserve to take them."
She stepped away from him. "Is that it then? You're just going to give up? On your dreams on us?"
"I'm not ready!" he shouted at her in sudden anger, "This last week should prove that!"
"Prove what?" she demanded hotly, her hands on her hips. "Nobody ever said it was going to be easy! You have to fight for it, Anakin, fight for us! Just because you're a powerful Jedi doesn't mean everything is going to fall into your lap!"
"I can-"
"If you say you can't, then why are we here? You might as well turn me over to Carré if you're going to give up. I can't live without you Anakin and a fast death would be preferable to a long slow one."
He turned away, battling with himself. She was right, a part of him said softly. He'd expected his trials to be easy, to be over and done with by now. He'd wanted to marry her, to give her everything, but how could he when he couldn't control himself? How could he even think of trying to give her a life of love and happiness when he couldn't do that for himself? He swallowed hard, searching for his drive, his passion. They were all wrapped up in the woman behind him. He turned back to her, "I couldn't do that." He said softly. "I can't just lose you. I need you, Padmé."
"Then fight for us, Anakin, don't dwell on your failures, use them! Find ways to avoid making the same mistake again instead of just accepting them as they are. Use your failures to make you stronger."
"Are you sure that's what you want?"
She blinked away her tears, "It has to be what you want," her voice was soft as she looked at him, folding her hands in front of her. "If it's not, you'll end up hating yourself and, one day, me too. I couldn't bear that."
He reached for her only to have her take a step away from him. Pain exploded inside his heart, tearing through his soul at her silent rejection, however slight. He wanted to scream, to demand she accept him flawed and all, yet she already had. She was simply distancing them so that he could think. Telling him without words that some decisions had to be made without her.
Padmé could feel his struggle, his inner battle with himself. "You can't keep doing everything because of me, Anakin." Her words were soft, almost a gentle reprimand as he heart ached in concert with his. "You have to do something to make yourself happy too."
"I don't know-"
"Search your heart. You know what you want."
He watched her, his heart in his eyes, "You. You're all I want, I don't care about anything else."
"Don't lie, love," she chided softly, "you're not very convincing."
"I'm not-" he stopped and changed his tactics. She was right, he was lying when he said he didn't want anything beyond her. "A Jedi. I've always dreamed of being a Jedi."
"And you would give that up? The one thing you've been training for, dreaming of, for ten years? You'd let all of that time be wasted by giving it up?"
He was silent and she stepped towards him. He took a step back, into the railing as she crowded him, making it difficult to think.
"I won't let you do it, Anakin. I won't let you give up your dream. Somehow, we'll get through this together."
He bowed his head, "I don't deserve to be a Jedi."
"You do," she stepped closer, her body only a breath away from his as she looked up at him, her hands reaching for his face and gently framing it. "You may not be ready to be a knight yet, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be. It just means you have alot to learn yet."
"Do you really think so?"
"I know so. I believe in you, Anakin, I always have."
He turned his face away, breaking her hold as he looked out beyond the vegetation to the water. "I don't know why," he whispered, almost to himself.
"How can you ask that?" her words brought his head back around. "How can you say that when I know you? I know what you can do."
"And you know what I've done." His eyes were tortured as he met hers, "You know how I slaughtered a village of Tusken Raiders because they killed my mother and were going to kill you. You know how I lost control and welcomed the darkness when I thought you were dead. I don't know it I can fight it, Padmé! I don't know how and I'm not sure if I'll want to. I don't have to hurt when the darkness takes me, I don't feel anything beyond anger and satisfaction. And that's wrong. It's wrong and I don't care!"
She looked up at him, seeing his lips trembling, feeling the truth in his words. She pulled him into her arms, holding him tightly. His arms came around her, clinging to her securely as if he was drowning and only she could save him. He shook in her arms, fighting the feelings threatening to overwhelm him. The sorrow, the confusion that was eating at his soul. Padmé felt him draw on her love and strength to shore up his own resolve and focus. She wondered what would happen to him if she died of old age before he did.
"I'd go insane." He admitted hoarsely. "I can't bear the thought of life without you, Angel."
She tucked her head under his chin, trying to stop his shaking with her own body. His thoughts were full of inadequacy, shame and his fears of failing her. Tears slid down her cheeks for the young man she loved beyond life. He was so confused, so unsure of what he should be, what he could be. She squeezed her eyes shut as the waves of his personal torment washed over her, pounding at her heart. Almost like he wanted her to give up on him, to let him drown.
Her eyes snapped open. A part of him wanted to fall! She couldn't allow that, not for them, and not for the galaxy. She did the only thing she could think of and yanked his head down forcefully. Her lips were demanding, almost bruising as his lips slammed down across hers. She moved her mouth under his and gained access to his mouth before he could respond consciously. *Snap out of it, Skywalker!*
He tried to back away, to escape the sudden surge of emotion that roared through him, but Padmé refused to let him go. She kissed him fiercely, linking her hands behind his head and anchoring him firmly to her. Backed up against the terrace rail, he had no place to go. Her lips were unforgiving as she drew responses from him unwillingly. He fought against the emotions tearing through him, fighting to find some kind of control. He failed.
Anakin groaned, giving in, and crushed her to him, returning the kiss passionately. She moved against him, seducing him with her touch. One of his hands slid into her hair while the other splayed across her back. She gasped against his mouth as his hand slid under the fabric at the back of her dress and his heated palm pressed against the small of her back. She pulled away, gasping for breath, her heart slamming against her ribs.
"Angel." He gasped, looking down at her in wonderment, his eyes deep pools of cyan.
She fought to control her breathing. "Where's your passion?" she gasped softly, putting one hand to her racing heart. "Do you still need to ask?"
He shook his head mutely, struggling to return his breathing to normal.
They started at each other for a few moments, their breathing ragged and slowly returning to normal. When Padmé felt she had herself under control she slid her arms back around his waist. "Good. Don't doubt yourself, Anakin," she said softly as she placed her head over his heart, the rhythm steady under her ear. "Nothing good can come of doubting your abilities."
He held her close, resting his chin on the top of her head. "Nothing good can come of it if I let it rule me, you mean."
She nodded, "Exactly."
They were quiet again, simply holding one another for long minutes as the breeze teased their hair and clothing. Anakin rubbed a gentle hand over her back. "Angel?"
"Hmmm?"
"Will you stay with me tonight?"
He could feel her tense at his soft question. "Anakin, I... We..."
He chuckled softly, feeling embarrassed for asking. "I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I just don't want to be alone tonight. I want to hold you while I sleep."
She relaxed against him. "It's a bad idea."
"I know, but spending my night tossing and turning is worse."
She laughed softly. "Alright. I'll stay with you."
He kissed the top of her head and held her close. "Thank you."
She turned her face up to him, a smile on her lips. "Why? I feel the same way. I don't sleep well without you."
He smiled slowly, bending his head and placing a kiss on her forehead, not trusting himself to take her lips and still stay in control. She sighed, turning her head to look back towards the house. "We should go inside. It's been a long day."
Without a word, he reluctantly released her. They collected their glasses and started back towards the house. Tomorrow dangled between them like something forbidden. Anakin couldn't help but remember Padmé's words as he followed her upstairs and into his room. Tomorrow, he was fair game.
Padmé slipped into her room in the darkness, changing into her nightgown. The white slip was almost transparent, not that she cared, and she pulled the blue robe about her shoulders as she stepped back into the hall. Not bothering to belt the robe, she stepped into Anakin's room and stooped. He was standing at the window in his shorts and nothing else. Her hear skipped a beat. He was so incredibly handsome.
"Not nearly as you are beautiful."
She blushed in the darkness as his soft voice caressed her ears. She'd never tire of hearing him speak. "Such things you say."
He turned, silhouetted by the moonlight. "Only the truth with you, Ami. Always the truth."
She went to him then, stepping through the shadows and into his arms. Anakin held her reverently, stroking her hair gently. She had yet to step into the light and he wasn't sure if he wanted her too. He had an image in his mind of the way she'd look in the moonlight and had a feeling it would pale to reality. In his present state of mind, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to handle it. He lifted her in his arms, his breath catching as her hair whispered over the skin of his forearm and chest. It was a feather light sensation, yet he felt it clear through to his toes.
She slid her arms around his neck, the moonlight spilling over her face as he turned towards the bed. Unable to resist the angelic vision, his head came down and he nuzzled her bangs with his nose, gently kissing her forehead. "Do we have to behave?"
She laughed softly as he stopped by the bed and placed her in the middle of it. "Yes, Anakin, we have to behave. But only until morning."
He sighed, sliding down next to her as she scooted over. He wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck, gently kissing her shoulder. "Thank you."
She leaned into him, her head falling to his shoulder as he placed a series of gentle kisses along her neck. "For what?"
He placed a lingering kiss on the sensitive skin behind her ear, making her shiver. "For everything."
She turned her head, meeting his intense gaze. "You don't have to thank me."
"I do. I feel compelled to." His head moved closer, slowly coming closer to hers.
Padmé tilted her head, her eyes closing as his lips caressed her in a whisper soft kiss. She opened her eyes to find him watching her, frowning. She wanted more than that.
"You're insatiable, Angel." He teased gently.
"Only for you," she replied, her tone serious.
He sucked in a sharp breath, "Padmé, you're killing me."
She smiled. "Not yet. Tomorrow. For now, you should sleep."
"You're not going to?"
She shook her head, her hair rubbing exquisitely against his skin and making him shuddered. He slid downwards, pulling her with him, her back to his chest. As he settled against the pillow, her body tucked snugly against his, he gently rubbed her stomach. Her hands linked with his, stilling them as she sighed softly. "I'm going to enjoy having you hold me," she replied as she shifted against him, drawing a strangled groan as he buried his face in her hair. "I love you, Anakin."
"And I love you, Padmé." He squeezed her tightly and she snuggled closer, her head being tucked under his chin. Anakin closed his eyes, using the Force to pull the light blanket around them both, reluctant to let her go even for a few moments. With a sigh, he let sleep claim him, the rigors of the day catching up with him. Padmé closed her eyes to enjoy the feel of Anakin's arms around her and, within minutes, was sleeping soundly, a soft smile on her lips. The breeze came in from the open window but neither of them stirred as the night deepened. Daybreak wasn't that far off.
The Ties That Bind
Anakin looked across the dark waters towards the mountains in the distance. Moonlight shone down on him, but he didn't notice. He did however sense something amiss. But what? He bowed his head. Something was wrong, but it wasn't something physical. Could it be what he felt wasn't a physical threat but something more insidious?
A soft hand slid around his shoulders and he turned to look down at Padmé. The moonlight shone on the fabric of her dress, lending it an ethereal aura, one that made it more difficult to take his eyes off her. She offered him a glass, "Thirsty?"
He accepted one of the two long stemmed glasses she held and took a sip as she did. He set it down on the thick railing behind him, unable to stomach much of anything. He was still struggling with what he'd done, what he'd willingly given in to earlier.
"What's wrong, Anakin?"
He looked at her, shaking his head. "Nothing."
"Don't give me that, Skywalker, I can feel the struggle you're going through."
He turned away from her, unable to meet her gaze again and suddenly she knew what the problem was. It'd been eating at him since he'd found her alive. She placed her glass next to his and wrapped her arms around him from behind, the breeze tugging gently on her hair. "Don't torture yourself," she told him softly.
"I can't help it."
"You can!" she pulled away, turning him towards her so she could look up into his face. "You're human, Anakin, we all make mistakes."
"Jedi don't."
"They do. Otherwise, how do you explain Carré? She wouldn't have been able to do what she did if Master Windu had been able to train her the way she needed. Jedi aren't perfect."
"We should be."
"Why?" she searched his face, "Why should anyone be perfect? Because you can use the Force?"
He nodded.
"Your powers set you aside, they don't make you flawless. You feel emotions. I know, I can feel them when you do. Jedi just have better control than the rest of us."
"Do I?" he asked raggedly. "Some control. I've fallen twice into darkness in such a short time. I let it in and let my emotions control me. I'm a failure, Padmé."
She reached up and brought her hand around with a resounding smack, tears shimmering in her eyes. "Don't you ever say that again, Anakin."
A shocked hand lifted to his face. She'd struck him. His Angel had hit him!
"You have to snap out of this. Don't you see, if you don't take your trials, if you let this eat and you and control you, we'll never be together!"
"I don't deserve to take them."
She stepped away from him. "Is that it then? You're just going to give up? On your dreams on us?"
"I'm not ready!" he shouted at her in sudden anger, "This last week should prove that!"
"Prove what?" she demanded hotly, her hands on her hips. "Nobody ever said it was going to be easy! You have to fight for it, Anakin, fight for us! Just because you're a powerful Jedi doesn't mean everything is going to fall into your lap!"
"I can-"
"If you say you can't, then why are we here? You might as well turn me over to Carré if you're going to give up. I can't live without you Anakin and a fast death would be preferable to a long slow one."
He turned away, battling with himself. She was right, a part of him said softly. He'd expected his trials to be easy, to be over and done with by now. He'd wanted to marry her, to give her everything, but how could he when he couldn't control himself? How could he even think of trying to give her a life of love and happiness when he couldn't do that for himself? He swallowed hard, searching for his drive, his passion. They were all wrapped up in the woman behind him. He turned back to her, "I couldn't do that." He said softly. "I can't just lose you. I need you, Padmé."
"Then fight for us, Anakin, don't dwell on your failures, use them! Find ways to avoid making the same mistake again instead of just accepting them as they are. Use your failures to make you stronger."
"Are you sure that's what you want?"
She blinked away her tears, "It has to be what you want," her voice was soft as she looked at him, folding her hands in front of her. "If it's not, you'll end up hating yourself and, one day, me too. I couldn't bear that."
He reached for her only to have her take a step away from him. Pain exploded inside his heart, tearing through his soul at her silent rejection, however slight. He wanted to scream, to demand she accept him flawed and all, yet she already had. She was simply distancing them so that he could think. Telling him without words that some decisions had to be made without her.
Padmé could feel his struggle, his inner battle with himself. "You can't keep doing everything because of me, Anakin." Her words were soft, almost a gentle reprimand as he heart ached in concert with his. "You have to do something to make yourself happy too."
"I don't know-"
"Search your heart. You know what you want."
He watched her, his heart in his eyes, "You. You're all I want, I don't care about anything else."
"Don't lie, love," she chided softly, "you're not very convincing."
"I'm not-" he stopped and changed his tactics. She was right, he was lying when he said he didn't want anything beyond her. "A Jedi. I've always dreamed of being a Jedi."
"And you would give that up? The one thing you've been training for, dreaming of, for ten years? You'd let all of that time be wasted by giving it up?"
He was silent and she stepped towards him. He took a step back, into the railing as she crowded him, making it difficult to think.
"I won't let you do it, Anakin. I won't let you give up your dream. Somehow, we'll get through this together."
He bowed his head, "I don't deserve to be a Jedi."
"You do," she stepped closer, her body only a breath away from his as she looked up at him, her hands reaching for his face and gently framing it. "You may not be ready to be a knight yet, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be. It just means you have alot to learn yet."
"Do you really think so?"
"I know so. I believe in you, Anakin, I always have."
He turned his face away, breaking her hold as he looked out beyond the vegetation to the water. "I don't know why," he whispered, almost to himself.
"How can you ask that?" her words brought his head back around. "How can you say that when I know you? I know what you can do."
"And you know what I've done." His eyes were tortured as he met hers, "You know how I slaughtered a village of Tusken Raiders because they killed my mother and were going to kill you. You know how I lost control and welcomed the darkness when I thought you were dead. I don't know it I can fight it, Padmé! I don't know how and I'm not sure if I'll want to. I don't have to hurt when the darkness takes me, I don't feel anything beyond anger and satisfaction. And that's wrong. It's wrong and I don't care!"
She looked up at him, seeing his lips trembling, feeling the truth in his words. She pulled him into her arms, holding him tightly. His arms came around her, clinging to her securely as if he was drowning and only she could save him. He shook in her arms, fighting the feelings threatening to overwhelm him. The sorrow, the confusion that was eating at his soul. Padmé felt him draw on her love and strength to shore up his own resolve and focus. She wondered what would happen to him if she died of old age before he did.
"I'd go insane." He admitted hoarsely. "I can't bear the thought of life without you, Angel."
She tucked her head under his chin, trying to stop his shaking with her own body. His thoughts were full of inadequacy, shame and his fears of failing her. Tears slid down her cheeks for the young man she loved beyond life. He was so confused, so unsure of what he should be, what he could be. She squeezed her eyes shut as the waves of his personal torment washed over her, pounding at her heart. Almost like he wanted her to give up on him, to let him drown.
Her eyes snapped open. A part of him wanted to fall! She couldn't allow that, not for them, and not for the galaxy. She did the only thing she could think of and yanked his head down forcefully. Her lips were demanding, almost bruising as his lips slammed down across hers. She moved her mouth under his and gained access to his mouth before he could respond consciously. *Snap out of it, Skywalker!*
He tried to back away, to escape the sudden surge of emotion that roared through him, but Padmé refused to let him go. She kissed him fiercely, linking her hands behind his head and anchoring him firmly to her. Backed up against the terrace rail, he had no place to go. Her lips were unforgiving as she drew responses from him unwillingly. He fought against the emotions tearing through him, fighting to find some kind of control. He failed.
Anakin groaned, giving in, and crushed her to him, returning the kiss passionately. She moved against him, seducing him with her touch. One of his hands slid into her hair while the other splayed across her back. She gasped against his mouth as his hand slid under the fabric at the back of her dress and his heated palm pressed against the small of her back. She pulled away, gasping for breath, her heart slamming against her ribs.
"Angel." He gasped, looking down at her in wonderment, his eyes deep pools of cyan.
She fought to control her breathing. "Where's your passion?" she gasped softly, putting one hand to her racing heart. "Do you still need to ask?"
He shook his head mutely, struggling to return his breathing to normal.
They started at each other for a few moments, their breathing ragged and slowly returning to normal. When Padmé felt she had herself under control she slid her arms back around his waist. "Good. Don't doubt yourself, Anakin," she said softly as she placed her head over his heart, the rhythm steady under her ear. "Nothing good can come of doubting your abilities."
He held her close, resting his chin on the top of her head. "Nothing good can come of it if I let it rule me, you mean."
She nodded, "Exactly."
They were quiet again, simply holding one another for long minutes as the breeze teased their hair and clothing. Anakin rubbed a gentle hand over her back. "Angel?"
"Hmmm?"
"Will you stay with me tonight?"
He could feel her tense at his soft question. "Anakin, I... We..."
He chuckled softly, feeling embarrassed for asking. "I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I just don't want to be alone tonight. I want to hold you while I sleep."
She relaxed against him. "It's a bad idea."
"I know, but spending my night tossing and turning is worse."
She laughed softly. "Alright. I'll stay with you."
He kissed the top of her head and held her close. "Thank you."
She turned her face up to him, a smile on her lips. "Why? I feel the same way. I don't sleep well without you."
He smiled slowly, bending his head and placing a kiss on her forehead, not trusting himself to take her lips and still stay in control. She sighed, turning her head to look back towards the house. "We should go inside. It's been a long day."
Without a word, he reluctantly released her. They collected their glasses and started back towards the house. Tomorrow dangled between them like something forbidden. Anakin couldn't help but remember Padmé's words as he followed her upstairs and into his room. Tomorrow, he was fair game.
Padmé slipped into her room in the darkness, changing into her nightgown. The white slip was almost transparent, not that she cared, and she pulled the blue robe about her shoulders as she stepped back into the hall. Not bothering to belt the robe, she stepped into Anakin's room and stooped. He was standing at the window in his shorts and nothing else. Her hear skipped a beat. He was so incredibly handsome.
"Not nearly as you are beautiful."
She blushed in the darkness as his soft voice caressed her ears. She'd never tire of hearing him speak. "Such things you say."
He turned, silhouetted by the moonlight. "Only the truth with you, Ami. Always the truth."
She went to him then, stepping through the shadows and into his arms. Anakin held her reverently, stroking her hair gently. She had yet to step into the light and he wasn't sure if he wanted her too. He had an image in his mind of the way she'd look in the moonlight and had a feeling it would pale to reality. In his present state of mind, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to handle it. He lifted her in his arms, his breath catching as her hair whispered over the skin of his forearm and chest. It was a feather light sensation, yet he felt it clear through to his toes.
She slid her arms around his neck, the moonlight spilling over her face as he turned towards the bed. Unable to resist the angelic vision, his head came down and he nuzzled her bangs with his nose, gently kissing her forehead. "Do we have to behave?"
She laughed softly as he stopped by the bed and placed her in the middle of it. "Yes, Anakin, we have to behave. But only until morning."
He sighed, sliding down next to her as she scooted over. He wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck, gently kissing her shoulder. "Thank you."
She leaned into him, her head falling to his shoulder as he placed a series of gentle kisses along her neck. "For what?"
He placed a lingering kiss on the sensitive skin behind her ear, making her shiver. "For everything."
She turned her head, meeting his intense gaze. "You don't have to thank me."
"I do. I feel compelled to." His head moved closer, slowly coming closer to hers.
Padmé tilted her head, her eyes closing as his lips caressed her in a whisper soft kiss. She opened her eyes to find him watching her, frowning. She wanted more than that.
"You're insatiable, Angel." He teased gently.
"Only for you," she replied, her tone serious.
He sucked in a sharp breath, "Padmé, you're killing me."
She smiled. "Not yet. Tomorrow. For now, you should sleep."
"You're not going to?"
She shook her head, her hair rubbing exquisitely against his skin and making him shuddered. He slid downwards, pulling her with him, her back to his chest. As he settled against the pillow, her body tucked snugly against his, he gently rubbed her stomach. Her hands linked with his, stilling them as she sighed softly. "I'm going to enjoy having you hold me," she replied as she shifted against him, drawing a strangled groan as he buried his face in her hair. "I love you, Anakin."
"And I love you, Padmé." He squeezed her tightly and she snuggled closer, her head being tucked under his chin. Anakin closed his eyes, using the Force to pull the light blanket around them both, reluctant to let her go even for a few moments. With a sigh, he let sleep claim him, the rigors of the day catching up with him. Padmé closed her eyes to enjoy the feel of Anakin's arms around her and, within minutes, was sleeping soundly, a soft smile on her lips. The breeze came in from the open window but neither of them stirred as the night deepened. Daybreak wasn't that far off.