Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they are *really* owned by J.K. Rowling. I don't own the title Saturday Night Fever, it was just a dumb movie with John Travolta in it. I don't own the song Stayin' Alive, which is property of the Bee Gees. I don't own Usagi Tsukino/Sailor Moon or Setsuna Meiou/Sailor Pluto, who belong to Naoko Takeuchi. I *DO* own the restaurant/pub/dance club Chronos.
Note: This *DOES NOT* tie in with my fic The Marauders At Hogwarts. I got the years all screwed up in that one. Gomen ne! I have corrected the problem in this story.
WARNING 1: There is slash in here! Call it slash, yaoi, or shounen-ai, it all means the same thing! Boys in love with other boys! If you're a Percy Weasley clone, flee now!!!
WARNING 2: Extreme violence and disco-fighting abounds! Things get a little Jerry Springer Show-ish!
Pairings: Sirius/Remus; James/Lily; Severus/Lucius
~*~*~*~*~
~Saturday Night Fever~
~*~*~*~*~
~Saturday, July 22, 1979 - 7:00 PM~
I am NOT going out in public looking like this, Remus stated firmly.
Sirius sighed and rubbed his forehead. Remmie! Everyone else'll be dressed the same exact way! Come ON, let's go! Jim and Lil are waiting!
Remus said flatly. The last thing in the world he wanted anyone to see him wearing was a white linen leisure suit with a pink shirt and cork-soled platform shoes. No way. Not in a million years.
Sirius blew a stray strand of hair off his forehead in frustration. Come on, I promise, no one'll laugh at you. Sirius was wearing a black suit with the widest lapels and bellbottoms Remus had ever seen, plus sparkly silver platform boots (bringing his total height to an impressive six-foot-four). He looked simply delicious, and Remus felt like a total prat standing next to him.
Sirius begged, giving Remus the pleading puppy-dog eyes that always did him in. I can't go by myself! And... you look so sexy in that...
Oh, I do not, Remus said, but knew it was a losing battle.
Sirius knew it too, and squealed happily. Okay, let's go!
They Apparated to James and Lily's house. James was sitting in the living room when they Apparated, watching the telly and wearing a navy suit with matching platforms.
Lookin' gooood, Jim, Sirius said as they sat down. Where's Lil?
Still getting dressed, James said. She should be down any minute!
~Two Hours Later~
James yelled up the stairs. Come on! We're late!
And hungry! Sirius shouted from the kitchen, where he was digging through the refrigerator in search of a snack.
Are you all right? James called up to her.
I'm fine - here I come! Lily called back, and appeared on the stairs.
She was wearing a dark green, sleeveless disco dress, an interesting gold belt, and gold platform shoes. How do I look? she asked anxiously.
James, Sirius, and Remus stared at her, their jaws nearly scraping the ground. Then James quickly recovered and stammered, S-s-stunning, love.
Very nice, Remus proclaimed.
Sirius agreed (he had just taken a bite out of a stale jelly doughnut he had managed to scrounge from the kitchen).
Where did you get that? James asked him. I was looking for it!
Bread box, Sirius replied before eating the rest.
James and Lily asked.
He said, ready to go?' Remus translated.
I won't even ask how you know that, Lily said, shaking her head.
Sirius swallowed the last of the doughnut and gave her a decidedly licentious wink. He's used to me talking with my mouth full.
Lily turned beet red at the implications of this; Remus turned red with embarrassment and buried his face in his hands; and James made a disgusted face and said, We didn't really need to know, Siri!
Sirius said cheerfully, not looking the least bit sorry. Shall we go?
~Fifteen Minutes Later - Chronos~
Here we are, Sirius announced as they Apparated in front of a black brick building.
James teased. We already knew that. But thanks anyway, Mr. Narrator.
D'you really know the owner? Lily asked them.
sniggered Sirius. Our mothers always sent us to roust out Jim's cousins after Quidditch games.
But they'd always be drunk, so it took awhile, James said with a grin. Poor Suna would nearly tear her hair out with impatience.
And she's got a lot of hair to tear out, Sirius muttered as they entered the building.
The hostess, Setsuna Meiou, was a tall, slender woman with extremely long, dark green hair and lovely dark skin. Her eyes were a garnet-red colour, and she was wearing a very short black dress. She greeted them all with a smile, and after James had introduced Lily (Remus had met Setsuna before), she led them downstairs and past the pub (filled tonight with a rowdy group of Muggle men watching a football match on the telly) to the dance club.
The club was crowded with couples, either dancing or sitting at tables, talking and sipping drinks. It was quite noisy, between the conversations and the music, and Remus reached for Sirius' hand, feeling a little faint. He usually tried to avoid situations like this; nights spent at home with Sirius were more to his liking. Setsuna led them all to a table near the dance floor.
Thanks, Suna, you're a dear, Sirius said, kissing her cheek.
A sweetheart, James agreed, kissing her other cheek.
Setsuna left, and Lily and Remus eyed their dates suspiciously.
You'd better be glad she's a old friend, Remus said to Sirius.
And much too old for you, Lily said to James.
Or those kisses'd be your last, they finished together.
James and Sirius looked at each other and began to giggle.
They sound serious, Sirius said.
Dead serious, James said as a new song began to play. We'd better do something about it.
They both stood up, held a hand out to their dates, and said in unison, May I have this dance?
Remus and Lily exchanged amused glances. How could they refuse?
Five minutes later, Remus was wishing mightily that he had. Dancing was not his thing, and even though no one was laughing at him (yet), he didn't feel the least bit comfortable.
It's easy, Remmie, Sirius explained patiently for the nine millionth time. Forget about looking dumb or what other people think. Just loosen up and groove.
Remus asked skeptically.
Yeah. Just - I dunno, wiggle your arse. It's fun. See? And so he demonstrated, moving his body to the music with the lithe grace he possessed which Remus so envied, and nearly making his boyfriend pass out.
You're evil, do you know that? Remus hissed at him, trying his best to imitate Sirius' movements. You know what that does to me!
Yeah, that's why I'm doing it, Sirius said, winking at him. Remus growled.
I am not, repeat *not*, making love to you on the dance floor, he grumbled, So don't think your sexy dancing will convince me!
Sirius pouted. But Remmie, I've always wanted to try exhibitionism! He quailed under the murderous glare Remus gave him in response. Oh, I'm only kidding, Remmie! Can't you take a joke?
After what seemed like an eternity of torturous fast dancing, a slow number started, and Remus gratefully fell into Sirius' arms. He preferred slow dancing over any other kind. All you had to do was hang on to your partner and revolve in one spot.
Feeling better? Sirius murmured in his ear. Remus nodded and let out a content little sigh. He didn't feel like such a bloody moron now.
When the dance ended, Sirius and Remus joined back up with James and Lily. They got some drinks and headed back to their table for a bit of a rest. Right in the middle of listening to Sirius tell his favorite joke (A hag, a traveling salesman, and a veela all go into a bar.....), James looked up over the rim of his glass and choked, dribbling banana daiquiri down his front.
What? What is it? Lily asked him in some alarm, grabbing her napkin and dabbing at James' jacket. Did you remember to take the cherry and the toothpick out?
James coughed and spluttered, and pointed wordlessly at a table across the room. Sirius, Lily, and Remus turned to look at it.
Setsuna (distinguishable by her green hair) had just seated two people there. As soon as she moved away, they caught sight of the two people and gasped in surprise.
One was Lucius Malfoy, wearing a sequined, powder-blue leisure suit and shiny white boots, his long blonde hair pulled back into a loose ponytail.
And the other was Severus Snape.
He was wearing a black suit trimmed with green and a matching green shirt. His shoulder-length hair looked even greasier than usual under the coloured lights, and he was wearing the ugliest platforms anyone had ever seen.
But it got worse. A *lot* worse.
Lucius and Snape were holding hands. And horror of horrors - they kissed.
James' eyes widened so much they looked as if they were about to fall out of his head, and he kept coughing on his drink; Lily blanched, looked down at her screwdriver, and pushed it away in a hurry; Sirius looked ill and put a hand over his mouth; and Remus turned bright red and shut his eyes.
I did not just see that, Lily said weakly.
It had to be a group hallucination, then, James said, his voice as shaky as hers. Because I saw it too.
Sirius pinched his own thigh. Ouch! That hurt. That means we're not dreaming this!
Malfoy... and Snape?.... Remus said weakly from behind his hands.
Who'd've ever thunk it? James muttered. I think I need a stronger drink.
Oh no you don't, Lily said, still staring at Lucius and Snape. You'll end up splinching yourself if you try to Apparate drunk.
Sirius leaned forward until his head hit the table. *Thunk!* I feel ill, he stated.
Me too, said Lily. In fact, she looked almost as green as her dress. Excuse me. Clutching her napkin to her mouth, she hurried off in the direction of the ladies' room.
While Lily's gone, let's take a break from the Marauders and see what Lucius and Snapey are up to, shall we?
*Evil Cam on*
It's so sweet of you to bring me here, Sevvy, Lucius said, scooting his chair closer to Snape's, so their thighs were touching. It's ever so.... - he paused, and rested a hand high up on Snape's leg - Mmm.... inspirational.
Anything for you, Luci, Snape replied, kissing him on the nose.
Lucius giggled, but then he noticed something.
Lover, do you see what I see?
I see a bloody sexy man I'd like to take to bed tonight, Snape whispered seductively in Lucius' ear.
Lucius gave a shiver of delight and excitement, but shook his head. No, no, look over there! he said.
Snape looked in the direction where Lucius was pointing, and groaned. Potter, Black, and Lupin, he groused. And Miss Evans, too, he added as Lily returned from the ladies' room on slightly wobbly legs.
What do you suppose they're doing here?
Potter and Miss Evans are dancing, I expect, Snape grumbled. But Black's most likely trying to lure Lupin into public sex.
As if you wouldn't enjoy watching, Lucius said, meaning for it to be seductive, but only earning himself a Patented Scary Evil Snapey Glare. Sorry, darling, I didn't mean it!
You'd better be prepared to make it up to me later, Snape grumbled, getting up. Let's go get a few drinks.
*Evil Cam off*
Remus was apprehensively watching as Snape and Lucius crossed the dance floor to get to the bar. Graduating from Hogwarts had had one good advantage - it meant he was away from Snape. Ever since their very first train ride to Hogwarts, Remus had come to believe that Snape had a crush on him. But by their fifth year, it had become evident that it wasn't just a crush, it was an obsession. Perhaps that was why Snape loathed Sirius more than anyone on the planet - besides trying to kill him, Sirius had taken Remus away from him.
Slimy git, Sirius grumbled angrily, staring moodily into his Bloody Mary.
Ignore him, Remus said quietly, as Lily and James excused themselves to go back to dancing.
He still wants you. Can't you see how he's looking at you?
Yes, but I'd rather not, Remus said, finishing his club soda and standing. Come on, let's dance or something. Get away from them.
But this did not prove as easy as it seemed. No sooner had he and Sirius set foot upon the dance floor than Snape and Lucius also decided some dancing would be fun. Snape seemed determined to trip Sirius up, and the result was the two of them trying to kick each other once they were in close enough range. Remus avoided looking at Snape, and tried not to notice the glares Lucius was giving him (evidently he knew about Snape's crush. Bully for him).
For Sirius, the final straw came when Snape decided to pour half his drink down the back of his neck.
Sirius yelped, drawing everyone's attention, and whirled around. he yelled. What in blazes d'you think you're doing?
Sorry, my hand slipped, Snape snarled.
Sure, and the moon's made of green cheese.
For some reason someone screamed, and fled at this news.
You've been watching Remmie all night! Sirius said, glaring at Snape, who glowered back with equal dislike.
Is there a law against that, Black?
There should be, Sirius retorted.
Well, there isn't, you stupid prat!
I know you are, but what am I?
You're a nerd!
I know you are, but what am I?
Will you stop saying that! Snape screamed.
I know you are, but what am I?! Sirius yelled over him.
Snape lunged at Sirius, who stepped aside (pulling Remus with him), and Snape ended up face-first on the floor.
Heyyyyy! Snapey-beating! James yelled from the other side of the dance floor, and dragged Lily over. Siri! let me help!
Be my guest, Sirius said, grinning evilly, so James kicked Snape in the butt, sending him skidding across the waxed floor.
The DJ tonight was a friend of Setsuna's, a klutzy blond girl named Usagi Tsukino. Usagi had just put on a record, but before she could press PLAY Snape crashed into her ankles.
Usagi shrieked and toppled over, hitting her head on the AUTOMATIC LOOP button as she fell, and was knocked unconscious. A song blared from the speakers:
-Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around
Since I was born.
And now it's all right. It's OK.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive. -
AHHHHHH! I love this song! Sirius yelled.
Me too! James yelled back, and they started singing along. Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.....
Snape stood, purple with rage (and clashing horribly with his green shirt). Luci! Let's get them! he yelled, and grabbed a chair.
Lucius, ever the unfair girly-fighter, started pulling Sirius' hair.
Ow, ow, ow! Sirius whined, reaching behind him and grabbing hold of Lucius' ponytail. They kept pulling each other's hair and clawing at each other.
Cat fight! yelled some random guy, then realized it was two men.
James dodged the chair Snape threw at him, ran forward, and pushed Snape. He fell, narrowly missing the unconscious Usagi. And all the while, the God-awful song was blaring from the speakers:
-Well now, I get low and I get high,
and if I can't get either, I really try.
Got the wings of heaven on my shoes.
I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose.
You know it's all right. It's OK.
I'll live to see another day.
We can try to understand
the New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive. -
Gods! That song is TERRIBLE! Lucius howled as he tried to hit Sirius with a beer bottle. Someone turn it off!
Sirius and James overruled him.
By now, Remus and Lily were trying to pull their dates away from Lucius and Snape, with a notable lack of success. Time for drastic action.
Love, someone could get hurt! Remus said, tugging on Sirius' arm. Come on! Then Lucius slapped him.
Remus stopped dead and slowly reached up to touch his cheek, which was bright red from the slap. Then he growled.
I'LL TEACH YOU! he shouted, and jumped on Lucius.
Go, Remmie! Sirius cheered, and went to help James beat on Snapey.
Take THIS, you morons! Snape shouted from behind the bar, and started throwing the little plastic swords that come in drinks at them.
Ow! Ooh! Ouch! Owies! James and Sirius wailed as the teeny swords pricked them. That hurts!
Stop that this minute! Lily shouted at Snape. She took her gold belt off and flicked it at him, hitting his hand and making him drop the swords.
Oooh! Owies! Snape wailed, and charged at Lily, who stepped aside and stuck out her foot. Snape went flying, landed on Usagi (who had just awakened) and knocking her unconscious again, and in the process hit the VOLUME UP button.
-Life goin' nowhere. Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere. Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah. Stayin' alive.
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm,
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right. It's OK.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
the New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive. -
wailed Lucius, who had taken refuge from Remus under the espresso machine. Please stop, Lupin! I surrender! Just turn off that INFERNAL SONG!!!!!
Sirius yelled over the music (boy, he could yell loud!). I LOVE THIS SONG!! And so he turned it up :
-Life goin' nowhere. Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere. Somebody help me, yeah.
I'm stayin' alive. -
James yelled, grabbing Lily and starting to dance with her, pulling off spectacular moves that put John Travolta (who was sulking in the background because no one was paying attention to him) to shame. Sirius grabbed hold of Remus and tried to swing-dance with him, which was helpful as they kept knocking Snape off his feet every time Sirius spun Remus around.
Most unfortunately, the Muggle men in the pub (remember the pub? it was in the other room) were quite angry at having their football match disrupted. At this point, they came into the club, armed with cricket bats. (Where did they get them? That's the beauty of mystical wormholes!)
Let's bash their noggins in, eh? one of them yelled.
Right you are, yelled his friend. Let's get
And so the cricket-bat-brandishing Muggles joined the fray.
And the hateful song began again!!
-Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around
since I was born.
And now it's all right. It's OK.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
the New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive. -
James yelled, ducking under a swing from a bat wielded by Harold's friend. Someone could get hurt!
Shut yer gob, punk! Harold's friend yelled.
Harold himself had come upon Sirius and Remus. Remus was clinging to Sirius and using him as a shield, petrified (no one could use their wands - Chronos' clientele were Muggles as well as witches and wizards), and Sirius was fending off Snape, Lucius, and the Muggle men.
We don' need no fairy hippie boys, eh! Harold yelled, and tried to hit Sirius. Remus kicked Harold in the ankles, and he fell backwards arse-first into a pie (why a pie? because pies are funny).
Setsuna came running just then. The noise downstairs had grown increasingly louder, and she was horrified to see her dance club was in ruins, everyone was fighting, and the record player was stuck playing Stayin' Alive on a loop.
-Well now, I get low and I get high,
and if I can't get either, I really try.
Got the wings of heaven on my shoes.
I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose.
You know it's all right. It's OK.
I'll live to see another day.
We can try to understand
the New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive. -
Usagi crawled through the crowd and grabbed Setsuna by the ankles. 'Suna-chan, make it stop! she wailed.
Setsuna pulled Usagi into the safety of the hall, out of sight. It was time for drastic measures. She did the only thing she could. She hiked up her skirt and plucked an oddly-shaped, small wand from the top of her stocking. (Hey, she had no pockets.) Raising it high in the air, she shouted, PLUTO PLANET POWER, MAKE-UP!
Harold was about to act on his statement when the music came to an abrupt halt, and a voice rang out, making everyone turn and stare. Standing on the bar was a tall woman in a black mini skirt and high-heeled black boots. Her hair was long and dark green, and she carried what looked like a giant key. It was Setsuna, but even though she had only undergone a clothes change, no one seemed to recognize her.
A pretty soldier in a sailor suit! I am Sailor Pluto, the revolutionary warrior! she said loudly. How dare you disrupt the peace and quiet of the night! This behavior shall carry on no more!
Sailor Pluto leapt off the bar and said, Look at the mess you have made! Miss Meiou will not be happy!
Hey, where is Miss Meiou, anyway? Lily asked curiously, looking around. I'd've thought she'd hear all the noise!
Sailor Pluto sweatdropped. Uh... she's.... in the bathroom! she said quickly. Now, all of you, stop this fighting! I command you in the name of Pluto!
All right, everyone said in relief, but Harold and his friends scowled as they went back to the pub, disappointed at losing the chance to beat some hippie noggins in.
Next, Sailor Pluto raised her giant key and shouted, PLUTO SCRUBBING BUBBLES ACTION!
Thousands of the Scrubbing Bubbles streamed from her key and around the room, cleaning and setting things to rights. Sailor Pluto gave a satisfied nod, and warned them all, Now behave! before leaving. She ducked into the hall and de-transformed back into Setsuna, and went back in to see everyone was acting as they had been before the fights broke out. Usagi had even crept silently back to her post and was playing slow-dancing music. But James, Lily, Sirius, and Remus had had enough.
What's going on? Setsuna asked as they passed her. I thought I heard a fight going on.
It was nothing, Sirius said innocently, then faked a huge yawn. I'm sleepy. Gotta go!
And they all Disapparated.
~*~*~*~*~
Phew, that was exhausting, Lily said, as they all Apparated in the Potter living room.
said James. But I think we really showed Snapey there, Siri!
I know we did, Sirius responded with a grin. Now he won't be so eager to chase after my Remmie.
It's late, love, Remus said softly, touching Sirius' arm. I think we should go.
Sirius shrugged, and gave James a mischievous look. Same time next week, Jim?
Remus and Lily overruled them.
Sirius and James sweatdropped.
~*~*~*~*~
Lucius pouted. Why NOT?!
I'm too sore, Snape mumbled, rubbing his bruises.
Oh, but love! Lucius wailed. You're so mean!
Tomorrow night, Snape snapped at the half-naked man in his bed.
But you promised!
Did not!
Did too! And I saw you looking at Lupin! You still like him, don't you!
Oh, Luci, you know I love you!
Then prove it! Lucius snapped. Get over here and *show* me!
But it HURTS! Black kicked me in the ribs!
Fine then! Lucius shrieked. Then I'm leaving! I'll go stay with Narcissa!
And he put on his shirt and ran out the door.
And in the end, Lucius ended up marrying Narcissa, so Snapey never got to sleep with him again after that night at Chronos. But it wasn't a total loss. Lucius and Narcissa ended up having a son named Draco, who was just the most delicious little thing, and every day Snape thanked the gods that Draco seemed to share his father's former affinity for him.
Shudder.
The End!
(A/N: This is a combined result of too much chocolate, sadistic Muses, and watching the BeeGees on A&E's Biography'. I really love the Stayin' Alive' song, and I could just picture the Marauders dancing to it... please review! And for the people who don't like me using the Sailor Moon characters (you know who you are).... live with it!!!)