Chapter 36
The Ties That Bind
Anakin pulled himself out of the water and settled into the lower branches of the swinging tree, his back to the rough bark. He closed his eyes, trying to get the images of what he'd almost done out of his mind. Water dripped from his bare body, splashing into the water below as he banged the back of his head against the tree. [i]Stupid![/i] he mentally scolded himself. [i]Stupid! Stupid! Stupid![/i] What had he been thinking? Forcing Sabé into bonding with his Master? Why? They were obviously happy.
[i]You want them to have something as precious as you have with Padmé.[/i] an inner voice spoke quietly, but confidently, and he knew it was right. What he shared with Padmé was incredible, an absolute merging of souls. Yet, what right did he have to try and force that on someone else? None. He banged his head against the tree, silently chastising himself. He had no right. No right to try and force Sabé into that bond. No matter how much she wanted it and was turning away. No matter how much she might thank him for it, she'd eventually hate him in the long run.
Anakin opened his eyes, blinking away the droplets of water that were running down his face and stared back towards the cottage. They wouldn't find him here. Padmé might have, but she was stuck in bed. Guilt assailed him for leaving her alone with Sabé and Obi-Wan. Guilt. The most familiar feeling of late. Guilt for failing to protect Padmé from Carré. Guilt for letting Sabé fall when he should have been able to stop it. Guilt for willingly giving himself to the darkside when all hope seemed lost. And lastly, guilt for almost attempting to force Sabé into something she'd obviously decided against.
He swallowed hard, hanging his head. He didn't deserve to be a Jedi. The council had been wrong in knighting him and a chill stole over her soul as he clenched his hands together. A Jedi Knight had to be at peace, calm, yet he was neither. His emotions were a tumultuous nexus of contradictions, a vortex that was threatening to drown him without an anchor. But he had an anchor. He'd had two at one point. His mother before Padmé and now, he had only Padmé.
He closed his eyes, not bothering to fight the sting of tears. [i]Mom,[/i] he cried silently, feeling like a lost child. [i]Mom! I need your guidance. I need your understanding, your wisdom. What can I do? How can I resist the temptations, the urges that fill me? They're wrong; wanting to make someone do something they don't want is wrong, but part of me doesn't care! Do the ends justify the means? Is that it? How can that be true when the means are evil? Mom, please![/i]
No answer was forthcoming as the wind picked up across the lake, tugging at the braid on his shoulder. He swallowed hard, covering his face with his hands. He felt so lost. He'd been fine before Obi-Wan and Sabé had come to the island. Find until they'd announced their intentions to marry but not bond. And then the darkness had slipped inside. He'd let it, not bothered to fight it, and that was the most disturbing part of all. Anakin could feel the hold the darkness had on his soul and it terrified him. He could only hope that time, and training, would allow him to beat it.
Anakin sat on the branch of the swing tree for several long, lonely hours, turning the disturbing, frightening prospect over in his mind. When he finally rose and dropped back into the waters of the lake, he had more questions than answers. Yet one question burned above the others. Did the darkness have enough of a hold that it would someday overcome the love he felt for Padmé? He didn't believe so, but as he swam back towards the cottage, the alarming consequences of that question filled his mind. Silently he made a vow. If the darkness consumed him, he would leave her so not to endanger her. He would die before harming her and if that meant severing their bond, so be it.
The Ties That Bind
Anakin pulled himself out of the water and settled into the lower branches of the swinging tree, his back to the rough bark. He closed his eyes, trying to get the images of what he'd almost done out of his mind. Water dripped from his bare body, splashing into the water below as he banged the back of his head against the tree. [i]Stupid![/i] he mentally scolded himself. [i]Stupid! Stupid! Stupid![/i] What had he been thinking? Forcing Sabé into bonding with his Master? Why? They were obviously happy.
[i]You want them to have something as precious as you have with Padmé.[/i] an inner voice spoke quietly, but confidently, and he knew it was right. What he shared with Padmé was incredible, an absolute merging of souls. Yet, what right did he have to try and force that on someone else? None. He banged his head against the tree, silently chastising himself. He had no right. No right to try and force Sabé into that bond. No matter how much she wanted it and was turning away. No matter how much she might thank him for it, she'd eventually hate him in the long run.
Anakin opened his eyes, blinking away the droplets of water that were running down his face and stared back towards the cottage. They wouldn't find him here. Padmé might have, but she was stuck in bed. Guilt assailed him for leaving her alone with Sabé and Obi-Wan. Guilt. The most familiar feeling of late. Guilt for failing to protect Padmé from Carré. Guilt for letting Sabé fall when he should have been able to stop it. Guilt for willingly giving himself to the darkside when all hope seemed lost. And lastly, guilt for almost attempting to force Sabé into something she'd obviously decided against.
He swallowed hard, hanging his head. He didn't deserve to be a Jedi. The council had been wrong in knighting him and a chill stole over her soul as he clenched his hands together. A Jedi Knight had to be at peace, calm, yet he was neither. His emotions were a tumultuous nexus of contradictions, a vortex that was threatening to drown him without an anchor. But he had an anchor. He'd had two at one point. His mother before Padmé and now, he had only Padmé.
He closed his eyes, not bothering to fight the sting of tears. [i]Mom,[/i] he cried silently, feeling like a lost child. [i]Mom! I need your guidance. I need your understanding, your wisdom. What can I do? How can I resist the temptations, the urges that fill me? They're wrong; wanting to make someone do something they don't want is wrong, but part of me doesn't care! Do the ends justify the means? Is that it? How can that be true when the means are evil? Mom, please![/i]
No answer was forthcoming as the wind picked up across the lake, tugging at the braid on his shoulder. He swallowed hard, covering his face with his hands. He felt so lost. He'd been fine before Obi-Wan and Sabé had come to the island. Find until they'd announced their intentions to marry but not bond. And then the darkness had slipped inside. He'd let it, not bothered to fight it, and that was the most disturbing part of all. Anakin could feel the hold the darkness had on his soul and it terrified him. He could only hope that time, and training, would allow him to beat it.
Anakin sat on the branch of the swing tree for several long, lonely hours, turning the disturbing, frightening prospect over in his mind. When he finally rose and dropped back into the waters of the lake, he had more questions than answers. Yet one question burned above the others. Did the darkness have enough of a hold that it would someday overcome the love he felt for Padmé? He didn't believe so, but as he swam back towards the cottage, the alarming consequences of that question filled his mind. Silently he made a vow. If the darkness consumed him, he would leave her so not to endanger her. He would die before harming her and if that meant severing their bond, so be it.