Part Nine - When I Realized...

One week had passed since Dawn's last visit to Spike's crypt, when she had been looking for Buffy. She wasn't even sure if the vampire was still there, now that the chip was finally gone. And with her sister being pretty worn out, she hadn't found the time to check.

But now she was closing the heavy door behind her, looking for a sign of the man she had come to regard as her cool older brother. The broken furniture had gone, leaving the room to look even emptier than before. The TV was still there, but she could see some wires hanging out of the back. Hesitantly, she took a step forward.

"Spike?" she called softly, but no response.

There was no blanket on the sarcophagus, and the teenager was starting to feel disappointment rising inside her. She could understand that he wouldn't have stayed, nothing was holding him in Sunnydale any longer. Yet, she couldn't help feeling betrayed. She had thought they were friends, and he didn't even bother to say goodbye. But she had to make sure.

"Spike? Are you there?"

When she heard nothing, she turned around to leave. Perhaps he'll write… She tried not to think about how much she would miss him, as a rumbling sound made her spin around. A large stone in the back of the crypt seemingly lifted itself, then a bleach-blond head appeared in the opening. Spotting her, one of his brief smiles crossed Spike's face.

"Hey, Niblet. Thought I heard something," he said.

"Spike!" Dawn grinned happily as he climbed up and closed the hole. He looked at her, surprised with this amount of delight.

"What's with it, pet?"

"I thought you had left," she answered.

Every trace of a smile disappeared. Spike reached into his pocket, producing a packet of cigarettes. He lighted one of them, before tossing the packet onto his sarcophagus and sitting down.

"No," he said simply, letting out a puff of blue smoke.

The girl hesitated, sensing that something was wrong. But then she walked across the room, sitting down next to the vampire.

"Are you alright?" she asked, looking up at him.

He avoided her gaze, and nodded.

"Completely healed. No sodding bruise left."

That's not what I meant, she thought.

"And what are you going to do? I mean, now that your chip is gone."

He shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe go looking what's been going on in good old England. Back to the roots, that kind of rot."

"And wreaking havoc once again?"

"Don't feel like it right now, pet." With a sigh, Spike flipped his cigarette away. "How's Buffy?"

I think we're closing in on the problem. "She cried a lot, 'cause of Riley, but I think she's gotten over it. Didn't mention him at all yesterday. And the pictures are gone again."

"Did she say something about me?"

"No." Dawn couldn't help feeling sympathy for the vampire. His voice was low, as if he didn't really care, yet she could hear the suppressed feelings behind his words. Spike still loved her sister, but it seemed like he had given up hope.

He nodded, obviously not surprised. She could almost see him plan his route to the nearest airport in his mind, and that scared her. He was her friend, and she didn't want him to leave.

"Spike? You wanna come over tonight?" At his surprised look, she added, "We could watch a movie."

"Don't think Big Sis would like that, Niblet."

"She'll be on patrol," Dawn said quickly. "Please, Spike. This is the first time since Glory appeared Buffy trusts me enough to leave me on my own, without a babysitter. But I don't want to be alone."

Spike looked at the girl, fighting to reach a decision. He didn't want to come across the Slayer. Since it had been Dru who had turned Captain Cardboard, it would most likely be him to take the blame in her eyes. On the other hand, that last week in his crypt had been one of the loneliest ever, and he was grateful for every chance to break his solitude. Besides, he couldn't see anything wrong in spending an evening with the kid. It would be the last one, anyway.

"Okay, pet," he finally said. "I'm in."

Dawn smiled happily.

"All right!"

***

As Buffy opened the back door, the first thing she heard was a loud explosion. I thought I told her not to stay up late. She put her stake on the kitchen table, and listened to the sound of the TV. Now there was the rattling of machine guns, and even more things blowing up.

"Can he do this? I mean, it doesn't look possible," she heard Dawn comment.

The Slayer frowned. Since when had her sister started talking to herself? She stepped towards the door to the living room, but a new voice stopped her short.

"It is possible if you got the jumping skills of a kangaroo."

Spike! What's he doing here? But that was a silly question. Dawn had obviously invited him in. Perhaps the idea of leaving her alone to show a little confidence had been not so good after all. And now Buffy would have to cope with the outcome. Why couldn't she just invite Xander if she didn't want to be alone?

During the last week, she had avoided every thought of the peroxide blond vampire. The final loss of Riley had been enough to deal with, giving her no intention on facing her feelings for another one. Feelings she finally had to admit were there. Seeing Riley die had been terrible, and she had cried for days, but more over what they had been for a brief time than over him. It was then that she had realized that her love for the soldier was gone, had been even before. It had filled her with a mixture of sadness and relief. Buffy knew that Riley had loved her, but he had wanted something from her that she couldn't give, not to him: complete and total devotion. And that word lead her to her problem: Spike. Devotion, that was what the vampire was all about. Devoted to everything he did, everyone he loved. And every last doubt about his ability to love had disappeared when she had seen him point that stake at his own heart. For her. It had scared her.

She would have to deal with this, now.

Buffy pushed open the door to the living room, and its two startled occupants jumped to their feet. Guilt was written on Dawn's face, uneasiness on Spike's.

"I… I'm…" the teenager started, quickly switching off the TV.

"You should go to bed now, Dawn," Buffy said firmly, not taking her eyes off the bleach-blonde next to her sister.

"Yeah, okay. Night." The girl fled the room.

"I think I should go, too," Spike started towards the door.

"Spike."

The vampire turned, a defensive look on his face.

"Hey, I've been invited. And it's not as if I stole anything."

"We need to talk."

He cocked his head to one side, surprised.

"Talk? Why, you been thinking about me, Slayer?" he grinned, switching back to bigmouth mode.

"In fact, that's true." Her answer silenced him more effectively than any remark ever before. His stunned face almost made her smile, and she quickly gathered the strength to say what she felt she had to.

"Spike, all you've been trough… you nearly died, and not only once. Even without the chip, you still were there for me, to help me. That was when I realized that you really loved me."

Spike grinned mirthlessly. "Took you long enough, pet. And now you want me to leave the town, right? Not hanging around embarrassing the Slayer, oh no. You know what? I'm on my way. Bloody well fed up with dancing around you, luv."

He turned to leave once more, but she stepped forward, placing her hand on his arm to hold him back.

"There was something else I realized."

"Well I can't wait to know what that was." He stopped, but didn't face her.

Buffy took in a deep, reassuring breath.

"I just… Spike, never in my life have I felt that much fear like the moment you held that stake in your hand. And that scares me."

Finally, the vampire looked at her, seriousness in his eyes.

"We've gone far, you and I," he said

"Yes," she agreed. "And somewhere along the way I fell in love with you."

Spike stared at her in disbelief.

"Don't mock me," he said quietly.

"I don't! Spike, I-" Buffy broke off at the sound of his harsh laughter.

"That's not love you're feeling, girl! It's excitement talking. The loss of Riley. I'm beneath you, remember? Just a soulless monster, and you're the Slayer. This can never be, that's what I realized!" The depth of his bitterness made her flinch, but she had to try again.

"I love you!"

"I don't know what kind of drugs you're taking, but you better come down again!"

He shook her hand off his arm and left, slamming the door behind him.

Buffy just stood there, staring at the door. He just… he can't just leave now… As she heard a soft noise from the stairs, she turned. Dawn was standing there. Buffy tried a smile, but failed.

"I don't even know what I did wrong," she said quietly.

Dawn sighed, left the stairs, and took her sister into her arms. For once being the one to spend comfort and strength. She hugged her, and then looked at her, smiling as she remembered one particular day in the crypt, when somebody had told her a story.

"Well, if you can't have Spike, perhaps you should try to get William."

The Slayer stared blankly. "Huh?"