// I don't need to fight/To prove I'm right/I don't need to be
forgiven/Don't cry
Don't raise your eye/It's only teenage wasteland \\
"Baba O'Reilly" by The Who
*
Jackie has become Zen. Well, she's a little Zen. It was kind of fun teaching her how to just be ambiguous and aloof. Even if she's only half- way there, it was still fun. And she listened to everything I said. She wasn't like Kelso would have been if he had been the one to ask me to teach him. I hate when people hear what you're saying, but they don't actually listen. I purposely fed her a line of crap at first to see if she was serious. My boots have never been shined better.
It sucks that Laurie gets to her so much. Laurie is a bitch, I just know how to deal with her. I guess that's a good thing since I live in the same house as her. Jackie can be a bitch too, but she's also kind of young and not a total slut. And Jackie is willing to learn.
*
Jackie just beat up Laurie. It was classic. Laurie stood there trying to burn Jackie. Jackie just took her Zen lessons to heart and basically ignored Laurie. Until Laurie crossed the line. I would have kicked her ass too. I'm proud of her for standing up for herself. My little grasshopper is ready to face the world.
Well, she's not ready at this instant, as she is high and laughing uncontrollably. Since it seems like Jackie is officially a member of the group on her own and not because of Kelso, she has been initiated into the Circle, I hope she learns how to handle her weed. But it is kind of funny to watch her get high and giggle for hours. She thinks she's all profound and crap.
*
Zen lessons. Those had been fun. And as ridiculous as they were, some of the lessons were good. It is good to say less, especially when you're mad. When I'm really mad I tend to say stupid things. Being aloof takes that out of the equation.
It's too bad I didn't stick with the Zen a little bit longer. It wasn't really me though. But other things I'm glad I stayed with. I'm glad I didn't ditch the group when Michael and I broke up. I'm glad I stayed in the Circle.
Why Steven ever thought I could be Zen, I'll never know. Maybe it was just a joke to him, a way to kill time. It is nice to know that he was really rooting for me against Laurie. I probably shouldn't question that. But right now it's kind of hard not to question everything Steven ever did, said, or thought. I wish I didn't feel like that. I wish I didn't feel like so much of my life is a lie.
I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know if reading Steven's journal will reveal something to me that will allow all to be forgiven. I don't know. I wish I did know. I wish somewhere in these tattered pages Steven will really let me in. I know he's let his guard down by just giving me this notebook. He's not even around to protect himself. He's never put himself on the line like that as far as I know.
But I've never put myself on the line like that before Steven. It was always me who held to power in my relationship with Michael. I mean, it was always me who broke up with him. It was always him who would trail after me like a puppy dog. With Steven, I know he's a force to be reckoned with. I know I could screw everything up.
But it wasn't me. Everything got screwed up the way it always seems to. By a cheating boyfriend.
"Baba O'Reilly" by The Who
*
Jackie has become Zen. Well, she's a little Zen. It was kind of fun teaching her how to just be ambiguous and aloof. Even if she's only half- way there, it was still fun. And she listened to everything I said. She wasn't like Kelso would have been if he had been the one to ask me to teach him. I hate when people hear what you're saying, but they don't actually listen. I purposely fed her a line of crap at first to see if she was serious. My boots have never been shined better.
It sucks that Laurie gets to her so much. Laurie is a bitch, I just know how to deal with her. I guess that's a good thing since I live in the same house as her. Jackie can be a bitch too, but she's also kind of young and not a total slut. And Jackie is willing to learn.
*
Jackie just beat up Laurie. It was classic. Laurie stood there trying to burn Jackie. Jackie just took her Zen lessons to heart and basically ignored Laurie. Until Laurie crossed the line. I would have kicked her ass too. I'm proud of her for standing up for herself. My little grasshopper is ready to face the world.
Well, she's not ready at this instant, as she is high and laughing uncontrollably. Since it seems like Jackie is officially a member of the group on her own and not because of Kelso, she has been initiated into the Circle, I hope she learns how to handle her weed. But it is kind of funny to watch her get high and giggle for hours. She thinks she's all profound and crap.
*
Zen lessons. Those had been fun. And as ridiculous as they were, some of the lessons were good. It is good to say less, especially when you're mad. When I'm really mad I tend to say stupid things. Being aloof takes that out of the equation.
It's too bad I didn't stick with the Zen a little bit longer. It wasn't really me though. But other things I'm glad I stayed with. I'm glad I didn't ditch the group when Michael and I broke up. I'm glad I stayed in the Circle.
Why Steven ever thought I could be Zen, I'll never know. Maybe it was just a joke to him, a way to kill time. It is nice to know that he was really rooting for me against Laurie. I probably shouldn't question that. But right now it's kind of hard not to question everything Steven ever did, said, or thought. I wish I didn't feel like that. I wish I didn't feel like so much of my life is a lie.
I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know if reading Steven's journal will reveal something to me that will allow all to be forgiven. I don't know. I wish I did know. I wish somewhere in these tattered pages Steven will really let me in. I know he's let his guard down by just giving me this notebook. He's not even around to protect himself. He's never put himself on the line like that as far as I know.
But I've never put myself on the line like that before Steven. It was always me who held to power in my relationship with Michael. I mean, it was always me who broke up with him. It was always him who would trail after me like a puppy dog. With Steven, I know he's a force to be reckoned with. I know I could screw everything up.
But it wasn't me. Everything got screwed up the way it always seems to. By a cheating boyfriend.