// You know the future's looking brighter every morning when I get up/Don't
be thinking about what's not enough now baby/Just be thinking about what
we've got \\
"Baby Hold On" by Eddie Money
*
Kelso knows about Jackie and I. There is nothing stopping Jackie and I from being together now. We can be together all the time. We could date. We won't. But we can.
I know Kelso is going to start making lame-ass attempts to get Jackie back. He already told her that he would be there for her if she ever had any needs. Of course, that was before he found out about Jackie and I. But still, there was this smug smile on his face that seemed to say that he knew she would always come running back to him. But does he really have any reason to think differently?
I kinda feel bad for Kelso too. Before he left for California, he thought Jackie wanted to marry him. No, scratch that. Jackie did want to marry him. How could he have known that anything would have changed. Besides the letter she wrote him calling him every name in the book. I should know. I helped her think of some of those names.
I wish he would have hit me. Then I could have gotten mad back at him. But the way he looked at me really killed me. Not enough to make me stop fooling around with Jackie. The only reason he knows at all is because Jackie and I had decided we were going to keep doing whatever it is we are doing. I would have told him eventually. It's not my fault he found out like he did. I tried to tell him.
Jackie went to talk to him to try and comfort him. I can understand why she felt the need to do that, because she did see him for nearly forever. But it kind of pisses me off too. She's fooling around with me. And she left me to go take care of her ex-boyfriend. But she is coming back after she's done taking care of him. So I guess I don't need to worry.
*
I had no idea that Steven had always been so insecure about my relationship with Michael. I thought it started at the funeral when I called Michael my boyfriend. Apparently it had always been there.
Does that hurt? I don't really know. But it made sense in a way. Michael was my first in every single way. And girls always romanticize their first. first love, first sexual encounter, etc. That's why most women in romance novels are virgins until they meet the man they marry. The first is always supposed to be the most important in your life. In the real world that barely ever happens. Eric and Donna are the exceptions. I will always remember Michael. And a lot of those memories will be good memories. But he's not the most important boy in my life anymore.
Even if I never forgive Steven, Michael is not the most important boy in my life. Well, maybe he is. Because Steven isn't a boy. Steven is the first man I've ever loved. I know he's eighteen and I'm seventeen. But he's been through so much that you can't really call him a boy anymore. His entire family has left him. One of his closest friends has disappeared. He's handled everything pretty well.
He's the man I love. As much as I wish I could close him out of my heart, as much as I wish I could stop hurting, he's there in my heart and head. But what good is love without trust? Because he's obviously never trusted me.
*
"You still up?" Donna whispered as she walked into the kitchen and over to the refrigerator.
"Yeah," I said, closing the journal. I put my dishes in the sink and went back to the table as Donna sat down with a glass of milk.
"So?" she asked.
"I don't know Donna," I said, looking at my hands folded over the journal. "He's really put himself out there by giving this to me. And there's some interesting stuff in there."
"Like what?" Donna asked, leaning forward in interest.
"When he took me to the prom, our first kiss, stuff about us fooling around over the summer," I said. "I just finished where Kelso found out about us."
"Wow," Donna said.
"Yeah," I said. "And there's more to go. I'm really glad I don't have cheerleading tomorrow because all I want to do is read this."
"You still care about him," Donna said.
"I'll always care about him," I said. "I still love him."
"He loves you too Jackie," Donna said.
"That's what he said," I said.
"Don't you believe him?" she asked.
"Yeah, I do," I said. "Because Steven wouldn't just say that. But I don't know if that's enough right now."
"What would be enough?" Donna asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I need some sleep."
"Well, lets go," Donna said.
"Baby Hold On" by Eddie Money
*
Kelso knows about Jackie and I. There is nothing stopping Jackie and I from being together now. We can be together all the time. We could date. We won't. But we can.
I know Kelso is going to start making lame-ass attempts to get Jackie back. He already told her that he would be there for her if she ever had any needs. Of course, that was before he found out about Jackie and I. But still, there was this smug smile on his face that seemed to say that he knew she would always come running back to him. But does he really have any reason to think differently?
I kinda feel bad for Kelso too. Before he left for California, he thought Jackie wanted to marry him. No, scratch that. Jackie did want to marry him. How could he have known that anything would have changed. Besides the letter she wrote him calling him every name in the book. I should know. I helped her think of some of those names.
I wish he would have hit me. Then I could have gotten mad back at him. But the way he looked at me really killed me. Not enough to make me stop fooling around with Jackie. The only reason he knows at all is because Jackie and I had decided we were going to keep doing whatever it is we are doing. I would have told him eventually. It's not my fault he found out like he did. I tried to tell him.
Jackie went to talk to him to try and comfort him. I can understand why she felt the need to do that, because she did see him for nearly forever. But it kind of pisses me off too. She's fooling around with me. And she left me to go take care of her ex-boyfriend. But she is coming back after she's done taking care of him. So I guess I don't need to worry.
*
I had no idea that Steven had always been so insecure about my relationship with Michael. I thought it started at the funeral when I called Michael my boyfriend. Apparently it had always been there.
Does that hurt? I don't really know. But it made sense in a way. Michael was my first in every single way. And girls always romanticize their first. first love, first sexual encounter, etc. That's why most women in romance novels are virgins until they meet the man they marry. The first is always supposed to be the most important in your life. In the real world that barely ever happens. Eric and Donna are the exceptions. I will always remember Michael. And a lot of those memories will be good memories. But he's not the most important boy in my life anymore.
Even if I never forgive Steven, Michael is not the most important boy in my life. Well, maybe he is. Because Steven isn't a boy. Steven is the first man I've ever loved. I know he's eighteen and I'm seventeen. But he's been through so much that you can't really call him a boy anymore. His entire family has left him. One of his closest friends has disappeared. He's handled everything pretty well.
He's the man I love. As much as I wish I could close him out of my heart, as much as I wish I could stop hurting, he's there in my heart and head. But what good is love without trust? Because he's obviously never trusted me.
*
"You still up?" Donna whispered as she walked into the kitchen and over to the refrigerator.
"Yeah," I said, closing the journal. I put my dishes in the sink and went back to the table as Donna sat down with a glass of milk.
"So?" she asked.
"I don't know Donna," I said, looking at my hands folded over the journal. "He's really put himself out there by giving this to me. And there's some interesting stuff in there."
"Like what?" Donna asked, leaning forward in interest.
"When he took me to the prom, our first kiss, stuff about us fooling around over the summer," I said. "I just finished where Kelso found out about us."
"Wow," Donna said.
"Yeah," I said. "And there's more to go. I'm really glad I don't have cheerleading tomorrow because all I want to do is read this."
"You still care about him," Donna said.
"I'll always care about him," I said. "I still love him."
"He loves you too Jackie," Donna said.
"That's what he said," I said.
"Don't you believe him?" she asked.
"Yeah, I do," I said. "Because Steven wouldn't just say that. But I don't know if that's enough right now."
"What would be enough?" Donna asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I need some sleep."
"Well, lets go," Donna said.