Harm's apt. ...
Harm had just returned that morning from his last mission and was settling in for a
evening alone with his guitar and memories. He couldn't stop thinking about Mac
and what she said in Paraguay. He thought about everything he should have said,
everything he would have said had he known he wouldn't be a JAG any longer.
He kept imagining Webb holding Mac. The harder he tried not to think about it
the more he thought about it and the more vivid his imagination. When he could
stand it no longer, he felt as thought if it possible he would explode, he rared back,
let out a "Damn her!"and slung the beer bottle he was holding and heard a satisfactory
bust against the door, just as he heard a knock .
He opened the door to find Mac standing there looking a little distraught. "Speak
of the Devil. What do you need Mac?"
A little confused Mac asks "What was that? Did I interrupt something? Do you have
company?"
"Nothing, no and no. I'm just not in the mood to entertain, can I help
you with something Mac." Harm states a little shitty.
Mac pushes on by and sees the broken bottle mess on the floor. "So your new
job not all you expected." she says a little sarcastically.
"What?" Harm asks totally thrown from his former train of thought
"You new job with the CIA Harm, you know the one you couldn't even
tell me about. I thought that I was your friend Harm! Since we've been back
from Paraguay you have hardly said 2 words to me." Mac returns feeling
wounded by being shut out.
"Listen Mac I've been busy and I thought that Webb would tell you with how
close you two are, so unless there something other than my job you want,I am
tired and not in the mood for company." Harm says a little shitty.
"Harm, I thought we were friend, friends don't shut out friends." Mac stated innocently
Unable to contain himself any longer "What do you want from me Mac?"
"Harm where is this coming from?" Mac still playing the innocent
"Friend! For Christ sake Mac. I thought....I just cant do this again. I can't be you
friend. I can't just stand by and watch why you fall in love with another man. I can't
be happy for you and smile when I see you together and know that he's taking you
home at night. I just can't do it Mac" Harm says a little choked up and exhausted
"Harm, I..." Mac begins
"No Mac you said everything you had to say in Paraguay, now it's my turn. I have
done a lot of thinking, and for years now you have been blaming me for everything
wrong in this relationship, and that's just not true and it hasn't been since Mic left. I was
willing to go the distance and you walked away and shut me out every time I
tried to talk to you. It's been 2 years and your still doing it Mac. You once said
to me that you seen a man afraid of loosing control, well your just as afraid as I was.
I'm not them Mac. I don't see you as a beautiful object I can do what I want with and
leave, I would never use you like that. I thought you knew me better. I would rather
cut out my own heart than break yours like that. I know that you know how I feel,
deep down inside you know, hell everyone knows, but you keep playing these games,
every time I get close to telling you you shut me down, you are just as afraid to hear it
as I was to say it. But you know something I'm not afraid anymore, hell I haven't gotten
anything to be afraid of, as far as your concerned we don't stand a chance, and
I can't stand by while you make love to another man. So here it is , I'm just sorry it
doesn't matter, I love you Sara, I don't know when it started but its been there so long
I don't remember it not being there and can't imagine my life without it. Your everything
that I have ever wanted. You make me better and more importantly you make me
want to be better. When I am with you I feel like there is nothing that we couldn't do
together. Your with me everywhere I go. My heart skips when I'm walking down the
street and pass a woman wearing your perfume. Your in my dreams at night. I have
found myself looking at other women and seeing you, hell once I even called Renae
Mac when she came out of the shower in nothing but a towel, and I wanted nothing more
than to make love right then and there..."he lets out a little chuckle feeling the weight of
a thousand bricks lifting and for the first time he looks directly into Mac's eyes "You
know you were wrong Mac, I don't want to be on top, I just want to be with you, side
by side" he stands there for a long time just looking at her, he can see the tears filling
her eyes and wants to reach out and wipe them away but stops himself afraid of the
pain of touching her and not being able to hold her would cause. In order to divert
his attention he asks "Well?"
"Harm, I... I'm sorry...." was all she could get out
Harm feeling all of the wounded pride and not willing to go through the "we can still be
friend" speech blurts "What ever Mac, you can have him if he means that much to you.
You can let yourself out." and he storms out the door.
2 hrs. later Harm's apt.************************************************************************
Harm enters his apt. feeling completely wore out, all he wanted to do was pass out and
forget about the evenings events. Forget about how Mac just stood there after he
confessed his feelings, he never could imagine anything hurting as badly. He couldn't
Believe that he had been so wrong about her feelings for him. "Damn it, Mac, damn it."
he whispers to himself as he heads toward the bed.
"Damn me for what?"
Harm turns with a jerk "I thought that you would have left by now."
"We didn't get to finish our conversation, and I think that it has waited long enough" Mac
stated firmly
"Thanks but no thanks, I'm just not up for the old we can still be friends speech." Harm
says exhausted then he turns to head to bedroom and undress as though she wasn't even
there.
"What makes you so sure that that's what I was going to say?" Mac calls from the
living room as she starts to follow him
"Because you didn't say anything else." Harm says hardly putting forth the effort to say the
words as he pulls off his shirt
"What?" Mac asks as she enters his bedroom a little taken back by the sight of his bare
chest
"I said because you didn't say anything else." Harm says exhausted and still
not caring that she was there as he undid the top button of his jeans
"What if I said that you were right, I am scared, and I have been playing games,
I just never knew it. I am afraid that if we tried and we failed I would never
be able to pick the piece up. All of the other men in my life, maybe they did use
me but I used them to, I never loved them, not truly, not with my hole heart, I
just didn't want to be alone. But you, I don't know how, but you got in and I
have tried, God knows I've tried, to keep this wall I have built around my
heart from falling. Harm, I've seen what two people who love each other can
do to one another and I don't want that...."Mac says through tears
Harm walks over and cups Macs face and wipes away the tears "I would
never hurt you the way your father did your mother..."
"I know, its not you I'm afraid of Harm, it's me. What if I turn out like that?"
Mac whispers
"You could never end up like them Sara. Never. Your too good, and strong,
and caring. No matter what the situation you would never resort to violence the
way your parents did."
"I love you Harm" Mac whispers
That was all Harm needed he gently pulled her to him and placed a gentile
kiss on her lips. She hungrily returned his affection and closed any distance
that was left between them. Like a volcano erupting their love poured over
one another until they were on the bed fulfilling the fantasies that they have both
had over the years.
Harm had just returned that morning from his last mission and was settling in for a
evening alone with his guitar and memories. He couldn't stop thinking about Mac
and what she said in Paraguay. He thought about everything he should have said,
everything he would have said had he known he wouldn't be a JAG any longer.
He kept imagining Webb holding Mac. The harder he tried not to think about it
the more he thought about it and the more vivid his imagination. When he could
stand it no longer, he felt as thought if it possible he would explode, he rared back,
let out a "Damn her!"and slung the beer bottle he was holding and heard a satisfactory
bust against the door, just as he heard a knock .
He opened the door to find Mac standing there looking a little distraught. "Speak
of the Devil. What do you need Mac?"
A little confused Mac asks "What was that? Did I interrupt something? Do you have
company?"
"Nothing, no and no. I'm just not in the mood to entertain, can I help
you with something Mac." Harm states a little shitty.
Mac pushes on by and sees the broken bottle mess on the floor. "So your new
job not all you expected." she says a little sarcastically.
"What?" Harm asks totally thrown from his former train of thought
"You new job with the CIA Harm, you know the one you couldn't even
tell me about. I thought that I was your friend Harm! Since we've been back
from Paraguay you have hardly said 2 words to me." Mac returns feeling
wounded by being shut out.
"Listen Mac I've been busy and I thought that Webb would tell you with how
close you two are, so unless there something other than my job you want,I am
tired and not in the mood for company." Harm says a little shitty.
"Harm, I thought we were friend, friends don't shut out friends." Mac stated innocently
Unable to contain himself any longer "What do you want from me Mac?"
"Harm where is this coming from?" Mac still playing the innocent
"Friend! For Christ sake Mac. I thought....I just cant do this again. I can't be you
friend. I can't just stand by and watch why you fall in love with another man. I can't
be happy for you and smile when I see you together and know that he's taking you
home at night. I just can't do it Mac" Harm says a little choked up and exhausted
"Harm, I..." Mac begins
"No Mac you said everything you had to say in Paraguay, now it's my turn. I have
done a lot of thinking, and for years now you have been blaming me for everything
wrong in this relationship, and that's just not true and it hasn't been since Mic left. I was
willing to go the distance and you walked away and shut me out every time I
tried to talk to you. It's been 2 years and your still doing it Mac. You once said
to me that you seen a man afraid of loosing control, well your just as afraid as I was.
I'm not them Mac. I don't see you as a beautiful object I can do what I want with and
leave, I would never use you like that. I thought you knew me better. I would rather
cut out my own heart than break yours like that. I know that you know how I feel,
deep down inside you know, hell everyone knows, but you keep playing these games,
every time I get close to telling you you shut me down, you are just as afraid to hear it
as I was to say it. But you know something I'm not afraid anymore, hell I haven't gotten
anything to be afraid of, as far as your concerned we don't stand a chance, and
I can't stand by while you make love to another man. So here it is , I'm just sorry it
doesn't matter, I love you Sara, I don't know when it started but its been there so long
I don't remember it not being there and can't imagine my life without it. Your everything
that I have ever wanted. You make me better and more importantly you make me
want to be better. When I am with you I feel like there is nothing that we couldn't do
together. Your with me everywhere I go. My heart skips when I'm walking down the
street and pass a woman wearing your perfume. Your in my dreams at night. I have
found myself looking at other women and seeing you, hell once I even called Renae
Mac when she came out of the shower in nothing but a towel, and I wanted nothing more
than to make love right then and there..."he lets out a little chuckle feeling the weight of
a thousand bricks lifting and for the first time he looks directly into Mac's eyes "You
know you were wrong Mac, I don't want to be on top, I just want to be with you, side
by side" he stands there for a long time just looking at her, he can see the tears filling
her eyes and wants to reach out and wipe them away but stops himself afraid of the
pain of touching her and not being able to hold her would cause. In order to divert
his attention he asks "Well?"
"Harm, I... I'm sorry...." was all she could get out
Harm feeling all of the wounded pride and not willing to go through the "we can still be
friend" speech blurts "What ever Mac, you can have him if he means that much to you.
You can let yourself out." and he storms out the door.
2 hrs. later Harm's apt.************************************************************************
Harm enters his apt. feeling completely wore out, all he wanted to do was pass out and
forget about the evenings events. Forget about how Mac just stood there after he
confessed his feelings, he never could imagine anything hurting as badly. He couldn't
Believe that he had been so wrong about her feelings for him. "Damn it, Mac, damn it."
he whispers to himself as he heads toward the bed.
"Damn me for what?"
Harm turns with a jerk "I thought that you would have left by now."
"We didn't get to finish our conversation, and I think that it has waited long enough" Mac
stated firmly
"Thanks but no thanks, I'm just not up for the old we can still be friends speech." Harm
says exhausted then he turns to head to bedroom and undress as though she wasn't even
there.
"What makes you so sure that that's what I was going to say?" Mac calls from the
living room as she starts to follow him
"Because you didn't say anything else." Harm says hardly putting forth the effort to say the
words as he pulls off his shirt
"What?" Mac asks as she enters his bedroom a little taken back by the sight of his bare
chest
"I said because you didn't say anything else." Harm says exhausted and still
not caring that she was there as he undid the top button of his jeans
"What if I said that you were right, I am scared, and I have been playing games,
I just never knew it. I am afraid that if we tried and we failed I would never
be able to pick the piece up. All of the other men in my life, maybe they did use
me but I used them to, I never loved them, not truly, not with my hole heart, I
just didn't want to be alone. But you, I don't know how, but you got in and I
have tried, God knows I've tried, to keep this wall I have built around my
heart from falling. Harm, I've seen what two people who love each other can
do to one another and I don't want that...."Mac says through tears
Harm walks over and cups Macs face and wipes away the tears "I would
never hurt you the way your father did your mother..."
"I know, its not you I'm afraid of Harm, it's me. What if I turn out like that?"
Mac whispers
"You could never end up like them Sara. Never. Your too good, and strong,
and caring. No matter what the situation you would never resort to violence the
way your parents did."
"I love you Harm" Mac whispers
That was all Harm needed he gently pulled her to him and placed a gentile
kiss on her lips. She hungrily returned his affection and closed any distance
that was left between them. Like a volcano erupting their love poured over
one another until they were on the bed fulfilling the fantasies that they have both
had over the years.