// I'm not in love/so don't forget it/it's just a silly phase I'm going
through/And just because/I call you up/don't get me wrong/don't think
you've got it made \\
"I'm Not In Love" by 10cc
*
School was horrible. I didn't want to go at all. I didn't want to have to worry about running into Steven in the halls. I avoided Eric's locker at all costs. That's where Steven, Eric, Michael, and Fez all hang out. I was in history when I saw Steven's El Camino pull out of the parking lot. I felt a lot less horrible after that.
That was until I collided with someone at the end of the day after turning away from my locker. "Hey," Steven's all-too-familiar voice said.
I looked up to see him, eyes covered by his glasses. "I- I thought you left."
"What?" he asked. I just noticed his hand was around my arm. He had been steadying me after I had nearly fallen when I ran into him. I fleetingly thought of other times he had steadied me, in a more psychological way.
"I saw you leave from my history class," I said.
"No, Foreman took my car to pick up Donna," Steven said. "She got out early today."
"Oh," I said.
"How are you?" he asked me, scrutinizing me.
"Fine," I said, too quickly.
"Did you get what I left with Donna?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said, suddenly feeling a little vulnerable. Maybe it was because the journal made Steven vulnerable. Maybe when Steven is vulnerable, I am too. "Thanks."
"Did you read any of it?" he asked.
"Some," I said.
"I didn't know what else I could do to show you I do have emotions," he said.
"I'm still reading," I said, hoping that would be enough. I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold up around him. He was being sweet, concerned. This is what I needed, just not from him. It was strange, because it wasn't strange for Steven to be comforting me after my heart broken. Of course, his comfort had never hurt before. "I've got to go. Donna is teaching me how to make lasagna."
"Okay," he said. He turned to walk away and then he turned back. "Jackie, I love you."
Part of me wanted to say what I had told him the last time he said he loved me. But I couldn't. "I'm not saying it back." I turned and left without waiting for his reaction.
After dinner I went out onto the porch with Steven's journal and an afghan. I balled up for a good read.
*
She's my girlfriend. I said it. She didn't even have to trick me into saying it. I was angry that she told Donna stuff I had said and I said something about her being my girlfriend. I could have shot myself for being so stupid. Of course Jackie would hear the word girlfriend and concentrate on nothing else that I was saying.
Man, did she ever smile when I called her my girlfriend though. I mean, it was a great smile. She would like that smile to have been in the yearbook if she knew how good she looked at that moment. It made me almost not want to take it back. Almost. Not that she would ever really let me take that back.
I guess I should have known as soon as Kelso found out that Jackie and I were basically dating. It wasn't just fooling around anymore. And as long as she doesn't expect me to turn into Kelso, it might be okay. Because I think I actually like her. I think I like having her around.
I'm crazy. I'm an idiot. I let her get to me. I let myself want to have Jackie around. I let this become more than fooling around. Damn. How do I fix this?
*
I smiled at the memory of Steven calling me his girlfriend. I felt like someone had given me a crown when he called me his girlfriend. He, of course, went and ruined the moment. But it was great while it lasted.
We were both reluctant to start a relationship. I had to carry on the relationship in front of my ex-boyfriend. He never had a real relationship, because he had so much trouble trusting anyone. But we still did it. It was difficult at first to get him to actually feel comfortable with the fact that we were dating. But he did finally fall into the relationship he had unknowingly helped me create.
And it was great back then. It was all about being with each other. We didn't talk a whole lot, but the things we did say meant something. I think that both of us were still pretty sure that it would never work out between us and that it was a waste of time doing worthless stuff. So we fooled around and.. that's all.
And I was fine with that. It surprised me. With Michael, I always wanted him telling me how cute I was. I wanted to be sure that he was focused on me entirely. And I wanted to change him. I wanted him to know he could be worth something if he would get his head out of his ass. But with Steven, I knew he was focused on me when he was with me. I could tell I looked good from how he kissed me. And he helped me become a better person, without nagging me like I had always nagged Michael. And I think I helped him too.
"I'm Not In Love" by 10cc
*
School was horrible. I didn't want to go at all. I didn't want to have to worry about running into Steven in the halls. I avoided Eric's locker at all costs. That's where Steven, Eric, Michael, and Fez all hang out. I was in history when I saw Steven's El Camino pull out of the parking lot. I felt a lot less horrible after that.
That was until I collided with someone at the end of the day after turning away from my locker. "Hey," Steven's all-too-familiar voice said.
I looked up to see him, eyes covered by his glasses. "I- I thought you left."
"What?" he asked. I just noticed his hand was around my arm. He had been steadying me after I had nearly fallen when I ran into him. I fleetingly thought of other times he had steadied me, in a more psychological way.
"I saw you leave from my history class," I said.
"No, Foreman took my car to pick up Donna," Steven said. "She got out early today."
"Oh," I said.
"How are you?" he asked me, scrutinizing me.
"Fine," I said, too quickly.
"Did you get what I left with Donna?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said, suddenly feeling a little vulnerable. Maybe it was because the journal made Steven vulnerable. Maybe when Steven is vulnerable, I am too. "Thanks."
"Did you read any of it?" he asked.
"Some," I said.
"I didn't know what else I could do to show you I do have emotions," he said.
"I'm still reading," I said, hoping that would be enough. I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold up around him. He was being sweet, concerned. This is what I needed, just not from him. It was strange, because it wasn't strange for Steven to be comforting me after my heart broken. Of course, his comfort had never hurt before. "I've got to go. Donna is teaching me how to make lasagna."
"Okay," he said. He turned to walk away and then he turned back. "Jackie, I love you."
Part of me wanted to say what I had told him the last time he said he loved me. But I couldn't. "I'm not saying it back." I turned and left without waiting for his reaction.
After dinner I went out onto the porch with Steven's journal and an afghan. I balled up for a good read.
*
She's my girlfriend. I said it. She didn't even have to trick me into saying it. I was angry that she told Donna stuff I had said and I said something about her being my girlfriend. I could have shot myself for being so stupid. Of course Jackie would hear the word girlfriend and concentrate on nothing else that I was saying.
Man, did she ever smile when I called her my girlfriend though. I mean, it was a great smile. She would like that smile to have been in the yearbook if she knew how good she looked at that moment. It made me almost not want to take it back. Almost. Not that she would ever really let me take that back.
I guess I should have known as soon as Kelso found out that Jackie and I were basically dating. It wasn't just fooling around anymore. And as long as she doesn't expect me to turn into Kelso, it might be okay. Because I think I actually like her. I think I like having her around.
I'm crazy. I'm an idiot. I let her get to me. I let myself want to have Jackie around. I let this become more than fooling around. Damn. How do I fix this?
*
I smiled at the memory of Steven calling me his girlfriend. I felt like someone had given me a crown when he called me his girlfriend. He, of course, went and ruined the moment. But it was great while it lasted.
We were both reluctant to start a relationship. I had to carry on the relationship in front of my ex-boyfriend. He never had a real relationship, because he had so much trouble trusting anyone. But we still did it. It was difficult at first to get him to actually feel comfortable with the fact that we were dating. But he did finally fall into the relationship he had unknowingly helped me create.
And it was great back then. It was all about being with each other. We didn't talk a whole lot, but the things we did say meant something. I think that both of us were still pretty sure that it would never work out between us and that it was a waste of time doing worthless stuff. So we fooled around and.. that's all.
And I was fine with that. It surprised me. With Michael, I always wanted him telling me how cute I was. I wanted to be sure that he was focused on me entirely. And I wanted to change him. I wanted him to know he could be worth something if he would get his head out of his ass. But with Steven, I knew he was focused on me when he was with me. I could tell I looked good from how he kissed me. And he helped me become a better person, without nagging me like I had always nagged Michael. And I think I helped him too.