// I am yours/you are mine/you are what you are/you make it hard/Remember
what we've said/and done/and felt about each other/oh, babe, have
mercy/Don't let the past remind you/Of what we are not now/I am not
dreaming/I am yours/you are mine/you are what you are \\
"Suite: Jude Blue Eyes" by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
*
Apparently, I'm supposed to know everything that is going on in Jackie's life, regardless of whether or not she's told me. I should know that going to a doll expo is code for 'my family is broke and I have to move my stuff out of my ski cabin.' How does this make any sense? Of course, a lot doesn't make sense ever since I decided to date Jackie Burkhart.
I kind of feel bad that she caught us up at the cabin when she was coming up to move stuff. I mean, she is going through a lot right now. She's used to having everything on a silver platter. Everything is different now. And she knows it. And I feel bad about that. Because she can't do anything to change everything that is happening to her and she has no control over any of it.
I wish she would have just told me she had to sell the cabin. I would have volunteered to help her if she had just told me what was going on. I think I would have volunteered. I mean, if Kelso was going out with her she would have told him he had to help her at the cabin. And she can't even bother to tell me?
Okay, that might not be fair. Because I'm not Kelso. And I really don't want Jackie to treat me how she treated Kelso. Like ever. And it's not like she didn't want me to know. Because she was really happy when she thought I was up there to help her out. And she was hurt when she found out I was there for another reason entirely. And then she was really pissed at me. And she still saved my ass.
I could be living on the street right now. But Jackie lied for me to save my ass. My girlfriend, who was pissed at me still helped me. I know I've said that about a thousand times right now. But in my experience, you don't help people you're mad at. You leave them. You run away. And Jackie stood by me and helped me out. I can't understand her. But, I think that's okay. Because I think I really care about her. I think I've never cared about anyone this way. And that can only mean trouble. But there it is.
I'm not going to pretend I understand her. But I want her around. So I know I need to try and understand her. And I can do that.
*
I wiped a tear away from my eye after reading that entry. Part of me was already ready to stop reading and run over to Steven, because this is the heart of everything. He's always afraid the people he cares about are going to leave him. And he pushes himself away so that they can't leave him. Or if they do leave him, it doesn't really matter because he didn't care about them so much.
But there's so much that has happened. Steven saying he cares about me like that is great and it makes me love him more. But it's not enough. Because Michael said all of that. And then he cheated on me every single time. And I couldn't take that with Steven. Because with Michael, I knew better than to ever really trust him. But with Steven, I really thought I could trust him completely. I really thought this relationship was different from anything else I had ever experienced.
And that was because I never would have helped Michael like I helped Steven up at the cabin. I never would have let Michael get away with coming up to my cabin without me. I never would have expected more from Michael, without asking for it. Because as similar as Michael and I are, he doesn't really know me. He doesn't know that I want a guy who doesn't have to say all the words. I want a guy who will shave his beard to make me happy. I want a guy who will stand by me at a Girl Scout pancake breakfast without checking out every girl there. I want a guy who makes fun of me and challenges me to be better.
But most of all, I want a guy who doesn't cheat. And that is why I have to keep reading. Because Steven did cheat. And if I'm going to forgive him, I have to know that it won't ever happen again. Because I'm not being a fool over another cheater. I can't do it. Because I would lose even more this time.
"Suite: Jude Blue Eyes" by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
*
Apparently, I'm supposed to know everything that is going on in Jackie's life, regardless of whether or not she's told me. I should know that going to a doll expo is code for 'my family is broke and I have to move my stuff out of my ski cabin.' How does this make any sense? Of course, a lot doesn't make sense ever since I decided to date Jackie Burkhart.
I kind of feel bad that she caught us up at the cabin when she was coming up to move stuff. I mean, she is going through a lot right now. She's used to having everything on a silver platter. Everything is different now. And she knows it. And I feel bad about that. Because she can't do anything to change everything that is happening to her and she has no control over any of it.
I wish she would have just told me she had to sell the cabin. I would have volunteered to help her if she had just told me what was going on. I think I would have volunteered. I mean, if Kelso was going out with her she would have told him he had to help her at the cabin. And she can't even bother to tell me?
Okay, that might not be fair. Because I'm not Kelso. And I really don't want Jackie to treat me how she treated Kelso. Like ever. And it's not like she didn't want me to know. Because she was really happy when she thought I was up there to help her out. And she was hurt when she found out I was there for another reason entirely. And then she was really pissed at me. And she still saved my ass.
I could be living on the street right now. But Jackie lied for me to save my ass. My girlfriend, who was pissed at me still helped me. I know I've said that about a thousand times right now. But in my experience, you don't help people you're mad at. You leave them. You run away. And Jackie stood by me and helped me out. I can't understand her. But, I think that's okay. Because I think I really care about her. I think I've never cared about anyone this way. And that can only mean trouble. But there it is.
I'm not going to pretend I understand her. But I want her around. So I know I need to try and understand her. And I can do that.
*
I wiped a tear away from my eye after reading that entry. Part of me was already ready to stop reading and run over to Steven, because this is the heart of everything. He's always afraid the people he cares about are going to leave him. And he pushes himself away so that they can't leave him. Or if they do leave him, it doesn't really matter because he didn't care about them so much.
But there's so much that has happened. Steven saying he cares about me like that is great and it makes me love him more. But it's not enough. Because Michael said all of that. And then he cheated on me every single time. And I couldn't take that with Steven. Because with Michael, I knew better than to ever really trust him. But with Steven, I really thought I could trust him completely. I really thought this relationship was different from anything else I had ever experienced.
And that was because I never would have helped Michael like I helped Steven up at the cabin. I never would have let Michael get away with coming up to my cabin without me. I never would have expected more from Michael, without asking for it. Because as similar as Michael and I are, he doesn't really know me. He doesn't know that I want a guy who doesn't have to say all the words. I want a guy who will shave his beard to make me happy. I want a guy who will stand by me at a Girl Scout pancake breakfast without checking out every girl there. I want a guy who makes fun of me and challenges me to be better.
But most of all, I want a guy who doesn't cheat. And that is why I have to keep reading. Because Steven did cheat. And if I'm going to forgive him, I have to know that it won't ever happen again. Because I'm not being a fool over another cheater. I can't do it. Because I would lose even more this time.