// I'll begin not to love you/Turn around, see me running/I'll say I loved
you years ago/Tell myself you never loved me, no/And did you say that she
was pretty/And did you say that she loved you/Baby, I don't want to
know/And can you tell me was it worth it/Really, I don't want to know \\
"Silver Spring" by Fleetwood Mac
*
Jackie said she doesn't love me. Damn it! I really screwed everything up.
Jackie broke up with me and I deserve that. I really messed up. I should have been able to trust her. She trusted me and I let her down. I, of all people, should have known how she felt about cheating. I should have known she never would have cheated on me, with Kelso of all people!
Who was it she ran to every time that idiot would cheat on her? Me! Who is she going to run to now? I mean, sure, she lives with Donna. But she doesn't really let her guard down all that much anymore. Ever since her dad got arrested.
I went to go talk to her, because I had to talk to her. And I had to get away from Kelso. He was everywhere telling me how he was going to get Jackie back. So I went to talk to her.
And she was so Zen.
If she was being Zen with anyone else, I would have been proud of her.
Damn, she really shut me down. Except, I had to tell her something. I couldn't let everything end without telling her once that I love her.
So I told her. I haven't told anyone that I love them in years. And I didn't say it because I expected her to forgive me if I just told her that.
She deserved to hear it. She deserved to know that she's the first girl I've ever really cared about. She's the only person I would actually expose myself to, knowing she could hurt me.
She told me she didn't love me anymore.
Even if it's not true, that hurts. And I know I must have hurt her very deeply if she could say that. How many times did she take Kelso back and tell him that she loved him after he cheated on her?
And when am I going to stop comparing what Jackie and I have to what she and Kelso had. I guess I should say what Jackie and I had.
Damn it.
*
It was painful to read. Beyond painful to see Steven beating the crap out of himself for cheating on me.
I had never felt so conflicted in my life. I wanted to be angry at Steven and I wanted to not care that he felt guilty and sad and frustrated and hurt. I wanted to be able to walk away and not care that he said he loved me.
But I also wanted to go to Steven and hold him. I wanted him to know that I do love him. I've never felt this way about anyone. I loved Michael, yes. But that was so different. We were each more concerned about ourselves than each other. I never wanted to comfort Michael after he hurt me.
So I guess I was growing up. I guess I was realizing not everything was simple. Cheaters do cheat. But maybe, just maybe, the good guys make a mistake every now and then too.
I couldn't believe Steven was a chronic cheater. Maybe it was wishful thinking. Steven did pride himself on his detachment and outsider status.
But that wasn't the Steven that I knew. That was the Hyde everyone else knew. The Steven I knew was the one who forgave me. My Steven took me to my first prom and to my last dance. The Steven I knew understood when I didn't want to go home to sleep in an empty house and he helped me squeeze onto his cot. The Steven I knew would never intentionally hurt me for no good reason at all.
But I would have been so certain just days earlier that the Steven I knew wouldn't cheat on me.
And I could have left Steven for good.
Except he loved me. And he told me he loved me because I deserved to know that I didn't waste several months on some loser who will forget me within the year. And he told me knowing that I could very well shove his love back in his face.
Like I did.
And when I laid myself out on the line for him, offering my heart to him, knowing he could reject it, he didn't.
I'm not saying our crimes were the same. But I did hurt him. And I hurt him in a way that he would never have hurt me.
And despite everything, I loved him.
"Silver Spring" by Fleetwood Mac
*
Jackie said she doesn't love me. Damn it! I really screwed everything up.
Jackie broke up with me and I deserve that. I really messed up. I should have been able to trust her. She trusted me and I let her down. I, of all people, should have known how she felt about cheating. I should have known she never would have cheated on me, with Kelso of all people!
Who was it she ran to every time that idiot would cheat on her? Me! Who is she going to run to now? I mean, sure, she lives with Donna. But she doesn't really let her guard down all that much anymore. Ever since her dad got arrested.
I went to go talk to her, because I had to talk to her. And I had to get away from Kelso. He was everywhere telling me how he was going to get Jackie back. So I went to talk to her.
And she was so Zen.
If she was being Zen with anyone else, I would have been proud of her.
Damn, she really shut me down. Except, I had to tell her something. I couldn't let everything end without telling her once that I love her.
So I told her. I haven't told anyone that I love them in years. And I didn't say it because I expected her to forgive me if I just told her that.
She deserved to hear it. She deserved to know that she's the first girl I've ever really cared about. She's the only person I would actually expose myself to, knowing she could hurt me.
She told me she didn't love me anymore.
Even if it's not true, that hurts. And I know I must have hurt her very deeply if she could say that. How many times did she take Kelso back and tell him that she loved him after he cheated on her?
And when am I going to stop comparing what Jackie and I have to what she and Kelso had. I guess I should say what Jackie and I had.
Damn it.
*
It was painful to read. Beyond painful to see Steven beating the crap out of himself for cheating on me.
I had never felt so conflicted in my life. I wanted to be angry at Steven and I wanted to not care that he felt guilty and sad and frustrated and hurt. I wanted to be able to walk away and not care that he said he loved me.
But I also wanted to go to Steven and hold him. I wanted him to know that I do love him. I've never felt this way about anyone. I loved Michael, yes. But that was so different. We were each more concerned about ourselves than each other. I never wanted to comfort Michael after he hurt me.
So I guess I was growing up. I guess I was realizing not everything was simple. Cheaters do cheat. But maybe, just maybe, the good guys make a mistake every now and then too.
I couldn't believe Steven was a chronic cheater. Maybe it was wishful thinking. Steven did pride himself on his detachment and outsider status.
But that wasn't the Steven that I knew. That was the Hyde everyone else knew. The Steven I knew was the one who forgave me. My Steven took me to my first prom and to my last dance. The Steven I knew understood when I didn't want to go home to sleep in an empty house and he helped me squeeze onto his cot. The Steven I knew would never intentionally hurt me for no good reason at all.
But I would have been so certain just days earlier that the Steven I knew wouldn't cheat on me.
And I could have left Steven for good.
Except he loved me. And he told me he loved me because I deserved to know that I didn't waste several months on some loser who will forget me within the year. And he told me knowing that I could very well shove his love back in his face.
Like I did.
And when I laid myself out on the line for him, offering my heart to him, knowing he could reject it, he didn't.
I'm not saying our crimes were the same. But I did hurt him. And I hurt him in a way that he would never have hurt me.
And despite everything, I loved him.