Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka

Chapter 2: Yin and Yang (2)

o

I was young when it first happened. I truly had no idea what was going on. But if I had, I wouldn't be here today.

I was possessed by a hyena, you see. On a trip to the zoo with four other kids, it entered my body and took control of my mind. It made me say things, do things, which hurt a lot of people. Giles, Willow, and Buffy exorcised it, but they didn't destroy it. They just put me back in control of my mind, and the hyena has been with me, caged and snarling, ever since.

After that, things started to happen. Or, perhaps I should say, I started to see them happening. They'd always been there, and I was just starting to tap the surface. There were energies flying around, bright golden energies, and they shimmered in the air and flitted to and fro. They weren't auras, and I didn't understand. Something told me, though, that if the need was great enough, I could affect those energies.

The night the Master killed Buffy, the need was great.

I brought her back from the dead, you see.

Sure, it was a simple matter of CPR, but Buffy had been prophesied to die in that forsaken cave. She was supposed to die. I brought her back. And, for the first time in history, there were two Slayers.

Both Buffy and Kendra were inherently good. That, of course, was the problem. There was no balance.

So Kendra died, and Faith came into play.

By then, I'd been possessed a second time. There was a soldier in my head, courtesy of Ethan Rayne. A soldier who gave everything he had to protect the people around him. He may have been cold, but his intent was there.

The Soldier and the Beast.

The Light and the Dark.

And before I knew it, a second change came over me. Not only could I _see_ the golden energies of change around me, but I could see the effects, the balance, as well. The Yin and the Yang. I couldn't act in ignorance anymore, not when I knew of the consequences.

So there were two Slayers, and as much as Buffy would be loath to admit it, they balanced. One good, one evil, and that was that.

I remained unchanged, for the most part. Buffy needed her shoulder to cry on, Willow needed her Xander-shaped friend, and Giles... well, Giles needed his jelly donuts. So when I saw the golden energies of change around me, saw what those changes would lead to, I just... ignored them. I couldn't change because I was needed the way I was.

I didn't know it then, but I was on the path to becoming the Shadow.

Years on the Hellmouth, years of resisting the change, and all of the sudden, BAM! I saw the choice; I saw myself lose my eye to Caleb, and yet I couldn't change this. Because after studying the balance for so long and acting accordingly, I saw what would happen to me if I accepted that change.

It was a final test. I passed, minus one eye, with flying colors.

I became what I am today. The Shadow. The Balance.

I exist outside the physical and spiritual laws of both God and man.

But the kicker here, the cosmic "fuck you", is that it doesn't matter. This gift of mine isn't something I can prove to anyone who asks. It's not even something that everyday people would notice. To the rest of the world, I am steady, unchanging. I have no special powers, no witchcraft, no demons, no gifts. To the rest of the world, I am Xander Harris.

However, to the strands of Time, to the winds of Fate, I am the Shadow. I am the Balance.

I fight to keep that balance.

o