Chapter 4: Psychological Damage

             Rogue entered the bedroom she shared with Kitty Pryde, she threw herself on her own bed, and sighed, pulling a pillow over her head.

             Kitty Pryde – who had been sitting up on her own bed playing with a Gameboy advance, glanced over, "something wrong?" she asked casually.

             "I broke the washing machine, flooded the foyer, and Remy's mad at me," Rogue said, muffled under her pillow.

             "All in one day?  Wow…you are a lucky girl," Kitty said sarcastically, "why is Remy mad at you?  What have you done now?"

             "Nothing, it's what I didn't do that's worryin' him," Rogue took the pillow off of her head and sat up, "I forgot to check my email…or call…and when he called I didn't ask how he was…and then I told him I hadn't asked to go to Muir Island yet....he sounded pretty mad about it."

             Kitty made a face, "I can't say I blame him," she shrugged, "he's putting in a lot of effort to keep in touch with you even though he's thousands of miles away and you're not even making any," Kitty shrugged.

             "I'm so mixed up, Kitty," Rogue sighed, she looked away distantly.

             "About?" Kitty asked curiously, "About Jared?"

             "Yes."

             "You told me you weren't going to go with him!" Kitty put the Gameboy down.

             "That was before he told me he loved me," Rogue pursed her lips together, her eyes misty.

             "Oh fuck…" Kitty mumbled, she got up, "Rogue, do NOT fall for that, c'mon, he's known you all of a month!"

             Rogue got up and began pacing, "I know that – but I also know it can happen within a month, you know it can."

             "You love Remy…" Kitty looked at Rogue sternly, "you can't just let him go for another guy," she added

             "How do I know it's love though?  How CAN it be love when I'm even considerin' taking another guy up on his offer…"

             "Offer?" Kitty's eyes widened a little, "what do you mean 'offer'??"

             "He brought MutantX into the mansion, Kitty," Rogue kept her voice very low, just in case someone should be passing out in the hall and may hear.  "So I could be with him."
             "You're considering taking him up on that?!" Kitty gasped, her voice loud, "for fucks sake, Rogue!  You got RAPED because of MutantX."

             "Will you please stop bringing that up," Rogue looked away, "I'm trying to forget."

             "And you think taking the same drug that caused it is going to make you forget?" Kitty frowned, "Rogue, you are suffering some serious psychological damage here," Kitty rolled her eyes, "you think drugs – whether they promise the removal of your powers temporarily or not – is going to change that?"

             "I am not suffering any damage what so ever," Rogue retorted, but deep inside, she knew Kitty was right.  She was suffering, she'd been suffering since the night it happened, and every night it was there in her dreams, and when she woke, it was the first thing she thought of – and when she'd thought of it she'd find herself wondering how she could go on to live another day.

             Kitty stood near the window, beams orangey-pink sunlight shining through the window, hinting at a beautiful sunset outside, "Yeah, sure you're not."

             "What does it matter anyway, Remy cheated on me, I should get him back," Rogue retorted.

             Kitty gave a laugh of disbelief, "get him back?  Jesus, this is a TOTALLY different situation, and you know that two wrongs do NOT make a right."

             "Why is this bothering you so much?" Rogue asked, "why are you so concerned over my welfare, or what I do with my lovelife?" she suddenly demanded, resentment creeping into her voice.

             Kitty frowned, "why?" she asked, "I'm your best friend!  I'm meant to look out for you!" Kitty yelled, anger taking over her, "and it does bother me that you're being a complete bitch about this whole 'two men love me' thing," Kitty said.  "You have it GOOD, why would you wanna wreck that for some goth with blue hair and a bad attitude?"

             "I have it good?" Rogue asked, exasperated.  "Since when the fuck have I had it good?!" she demanded, "I've been raped, my boyfriend is married to a fucking half man, half woman, had some other woman pregnant, meanwhile my powers are standin' in the way of me EVER having a normal relationship with anyone!"

             "Boohoo!" Kitty muttered, "deal with it!  You think you're the only person in this mansion with problems?!" she demanded.  "Remy has more problems than you do, but you don't see him crying about it every minute of every day!" she headed for the door, "I'm so sick of listening to you whine about how sucky your life is or how things aren't going your way.  I'm sick of feeling sorry for you, Rogue!  I'm sick of getting in trouble to help you out, and I'm sick of these fucking punishment chores I have to do every day because you pulled me into the incident at the nightclub!"

             Rogue gaped, she couldn't believe how angry Kitty was getting with her, and what was more bizarre was she couldn't even come up with a counter-argument to it.

             Kitty was standing at the door, her hand on the knob, ready to leave, "Remy took the blame for what happened at the nightclub – yes, he mostly was at fault to begin with, but you didn't tell the professor WHY he went after that guy, or that you dragged me there, and if you had we all probably wouldn't have been in trouble for it – Remy might have never got sent to Muir Island if you'd just been honest with the Professor in the first place!"

Rogue remained silent, she looked away guiltily.

"Y'know what, Rogue, you're selfish – everything is always about you!  No wonder Remy's mad at you, and y'know what, I think I'll join him in that campaign," she muttered, and with that, Kitty stormed out of the bedroom, leaving Rogue alone, with her thoughts.

Rogue stepped up to the door of Professor Xavier's office, and knocked, she glanced at her watch, noting it was nine-thirty, she realised he probably wasn't even in his office at the moment.  She waited.

"Are you looking for me?" came a voice at her back, Rogue spun around, startled, Professor Xavier behind her, sitting straight in his wheelchair, hands on his lap.

Rogue put her hand to her heart, "you scared me."
             Professor Xavier smiled a little, "I didn't mean to.  Is something wrong?"

"Can we talk?" Rogue asked softly.

Professor Xavier gave a nod, "go on in, door is unlocked," he stated.

             Rogue opened the door and stepped in, Professor Xavier following, he moved over to the desk and turned on the small lamp, he glanced over at her.

             "So…Rogue," he said, a very Professional tone, "what is on your mind."

             "I…I need to get a lot of things off my chest…" Rogue said guiltily, she looked away, shifting from foot to foot nervously.

             "Please, sit down…" Professor Xavier gestured to the chair opposite his desk.

             Rogue sat down slowly, she gave a deep sigh.  She asked herself why she was here, but she already knew the answer, she had to tell him, if she let it go on any longer, she knew it'd eat up at her any more.

             "I…" Rogue said, she wasn't sure how to word what she needed to say, she kept her eyes averted from him, she was afraid to look at him, scared that it would make it harder to say what she needed to if she did.

             "Take your time," Professor Xavier said softly, he didn't need his telepathy to see there was something eating her up inside, that she was scared, and shamed, and incredibly apprehensive.

             "I…I…" Rogue stammered, she her bottom lip trembling.

             "Anything you say here will remain in confidentiality."

             "I…haven't exactly been honest lately, Professor," Rogue finally admitted, she kept her eyes averted still.

             "Has something happened?"

             "Yes…a month ago," Rogue admitted with a heavy sigh, "something that's…really shameful," she chewed the inside of her cheek, glanced up at the Professor quickly, then away again.

             "What are you trying to tell me?"

             Rogue wasn't really sure how to say it tactfully, and so, without mincing words anymore, she blurted it out plainly, "I was raped."
             "I…see…" Professor Xavier seemed at a loss for words for several moments, "By…Remy?"

             "No…not by him, he'd never hurt me, Professor," Rogue sighed, "No, I don't know the guys name…all I know is…he hangs out In Asylum."

             "How could he have—I mean….your mutant powers make it impossible for even those closest to you to touch you without being affected somehow…"

             "If…I tell you, will you promise not to be angry?" Rogue asked.

             "I…" he seemed rather concerned, "I promise," He finally said.

             "MutantX.  Remy got a hold of some from Bella Donna when she kidnapped us – and gave it to me when we broke up…and the night before Bella Donna went into labour I took it, because I was mad at Remy, and…well…I…" she stammered.

             "I think I can pick up on the rest…this happened a month ago?"

             "Yes," Rogue sighed, "I…I…I've fought with Remy and Kitty about it several times – they wanted me to tell you…not that I understand what good it'll do with you knowin' but…"

             "No…they were right, you should have told me from the start," Professor Xavier moved over, and placed a hand on hers, even through her flimsy cotton gloves she could feel the warmth of his hand.

             Rogue sniffed, looking away, "Remy wanted to kill the guy…he went to Asylum alone, he'd been drinkin', he was in a bad way…I had told him about what happened, then the death of the baby came, and I think it just all got to him, he wanted to right some of the wrongs that had happened so he went after him.  When I realised, I headed off to stop him – and dragged Kitty along with me…I didn't want you knowin' why Remy went there to hurt the guy…"

             Professor Xavier sighed, "had I known this punishments might not have been so severe, yet I would certainly need to question Gambit's state of mind, and his position in the X-Men."

             "I know," Rogue admitted, "I was scared you'd exile him if I told you the truth…but you gotta understand he was in a bad way, that's all…"

             "I do understand, Rogue…and I'm glad that you've told me.  Maybe now you can begin to heal mentally…"

             Rogue sighed, "yeah….maybe."