Part 2
"Colonel? Colonel O'Neill! What the Hell happened out there?" a concerned General Hammond asked me as we quickly followed Doctor Fraiser and her team out of the Gate room to the infirmary. "I.Daniel.There was a Jaffa Patrol.Didn't see them.I didn't.I should have seen them.It was my fault.I couldn't protect him." I mumbled out, my eyes never leaving the bloodied and battered form of my lover.
God Danny what did I do?
Why did this happen to you?
Why?
I know I didn't really give Hammond an answer to his question but I couldn't. I can't. It hurts too much to think about. Carter and Teal'c know about our relationship; have for the past year. They can understand to a certain degree what I'm going through.
I remember Hammond saying something about getting cleaned up but I wasn't really listening. I was trying not to lose control and say or do something in front of Hammond that I may come to regret latter.
I know that I'm being quiet and withdrawn from everyone and I know they are only trying to help me but I don't need their pity. I need Daniel. I need to know he is going to be all right - that my mistake hasn't cost him his life.
Daniel's been rushed in for emergency surgery. I could tell by the look on Janet's face as they wheeled him in that it doesn't look good. That he could die. But I also know she will do everything in her power to save him.
God, even thinking about the possibility that he may die is too much to take. I feel like screaming and crying and going mad but I won't do any of it. I need to keep up appearances.
This is so fucked up. I can't even show that I care for him more than a friend or colleague would, which is stupid. All I want to do is hold him and never let go.
I hate the waiting. Not knowing whether he's going to pull through or not - it's a fucking nightmare. It's like losing Charlie all over again.
The only difference is if Daniel dies, I won't recover. My life won't be worth living without him there by my side.
~~~~~~~~~~
// 'Noooo!' Sara screamed as we heard the sound of a gun discharging.
I knew in my gut, the moment that gun had gone off what had happened. I just hope that I am wrong. We both raced up the stars of our two-story home and into the master bedroom to find Charlie lying on the floor of the bedroom covered in blood, and holding onto my personal revolver.
"No! Charlie!" I called out as I bent down to pick up the limp form of my son. I carried him to the car running all the way with a hysterical Sara right behind me. I couldn't stop to comfort her; all I could think of was getting my baby boy to the hospital.
As I sped to the hospital Sara cradled Charlie in her arms trying to stem the flow of blood.
We reached the military hospital in record time; thankfully we hadn't been pulled over.
"We need a doctor. Now!" I screamed out as I pushed my way through the swinging doors of the hospital. All of a sudden doctors and nurses surrounded us, pulling Charlie from my arms to be placed on a bed.
I was trying to calm Sara down when the doctor came back from surgery. "How is he, Doctor?" I asked in a horse voice "I'm sorry," he told us. "Your son died during surgery."
"No! No, no.no. There must be some sort of mistake," Sara pleaded with him. "I'm sorry, there was nothing we could do." By then I was cradling a distraught Sara in my arms, trying to give and receive comfort as we mourned the loss of our only child.
When we finally laid our boy to rest I thought my life would be over. I was devastated, but somehow I survived it, moved on, however, I will always blame myself for what happened to my baby boy. //
~~~~~~~~~~
He's been in surgery for twelve hours now. I've been pacing the corridor for the past hour. I can't keep still. I'm worried that if I sit down it'll give me too much time to think and if I do that I'll break down and cry like a baby. Can you believe it? I'm a frigging Air Force Colonel for Christ's sake. Air Force colonels do NOT cry.
See what you do to me Danny?
You're the only one that has ever been able to make me feel as if I can open up. Not be afraid to let my emotions show. All you've ever given me was your love and understanding. You never condemned me for showing you a softer side of myself. I didn't even open up to Sara like I do to you.
Fuck. When will he be out of there?
What's taking so fucking long? He should be out by now. It's been twelve and a half hours, for crying out loud.
Please let him be all right.
Damn it, Daniel, if you don't make it though this.
No, think positive O'Neill.
When you make it through this, I'll retire so we can openly be together and we'll get married just like we were planning to.
"Colonel, I know your worried about him, we all are. We know what you're going through, Sir, but can you stop the pacing, it's driving me nuts," Carter snaps.
"No! You don't know. You have NO fucking idea of what I'm going through right now. So just shut the hell up and keep your opinions to yourself," I angrily bark at her, spinning around to face her.
"I'm sorry. Look, we're just trying to help you; He's our friend too, so don't you think we'd know what you are going through, Sir?' She was starting to get angry.
"Even so, it's not your lover lying in there fighting for his life," I hiss at her, flinging my arm out, indicating the infirmary. I quickly change tact and apologise to her after seeing the look of hurt on Carter's face, "Look, Carter, I'm sorry. You're right, you do know a bit of what I'm going through and I'm sorry for snapping at you but I'm a little.highly strung at the moment, so I apologize in advance for anything I may say or do," I reply flopping back down into one of the infirmary chairs and looking up at the ceiling trying to blink away the rapidly forming tears.
Air Force Colonels do NOT cry.
"Damn it," I swear under my breath, roughly wiping the stray tears that had begun to fall down my face.
"Colonel, are you all right?" Carter asks as she moves over to sit beside me on the uncomfortable infirmary chairs. I look over at her, my eyes shining with tears as I shake my head and try to get rid of the ones that are now streaming down my face. As I wipe at my face again I feel soft arm's surround my body pulling me into their warm, comforting embrace.
I lean into Carter's embrace and quietly cry against her shoulder. "Shhh. He's going to be all right, we've been in these situation's before and we've always come out fine. He will be fine this time too. You can never keep Daniel down for long. He's a fighter. Don't give up on him now, not when he needs you the most," she whispers gently into my ear trying to comfort me. Slowly I began to calm down and stop crying.
Suddenly, realising what had happened and the position I had been in, I abruptly pull away roughly wiping my red eyes dry. "I'm sorry. I, ah, look about that.um.you won't.?" "Don't worry, Sir, I won't tell a soul and, believe it or not, I can understand what you are going through. We just want to help you through this. If you don't want everyone starting to question why you are spending so much time here you're going to need your friends. We only want to help you. Please let us?" Gazing into my eyes, she pleaded with me to let her and Teal'c help. I just mutely nodded. I knew she was right but it didn't mean I had to like the fact. I know she wants me to reassure her with words that I'd let them help, but the truth was that I was afraid, that if I spoke I'd break down and cry again, only this time I wouldn't be able to stop.
Jut as Carter was about to say something else Doctor Fraiser walked out of the OR, removing the mask she wore.
As soon as I saw her I rushed over to her wanting to know how he was doing.
God. Please be all right.
"He was very severely injured. We managed to stop the internal bleeding, but he lost a lot of blood. At the moment he's in a critical condition. The staff blast caught his lower back. It also appears that a piece of stray shrapnel found its way into his skull. We decided to leave it there, at the moment its not causing any problems, but I felt if we were to attempt removing it, it would cause more damage than leaving it there would. At the moment the only thing keeping him alive is the life support system. I'm sorry I don't have better news," Janet said in a monotone, trying to keep her analysis of his condition professional. I didn't hear most of what she said; it just washed over me as if I were watching it on the TV.
I suddenly didn't feel very good; as I felt my legs go to jelly and start to fall to the floor.
A pair of strong arms surrounded me, preventing my inevitable descent, before I threw up all over the floor.
Teal'c gently lowers me to the ground, giving Janet access to check me over. I feel her inject me with something. "Colonel? Look at me; you're going into shock. I gave you a shot to help but I'm going to get Teal'c to take you to the infirmary shower block and clean you up rather than the nurses. I don't think you need that right now, okay?" I focused on Janet's worried face before nodding and managing to croak out my protests at not being able to go in and see Danny. "You can see Daniel as soon as you are cleaned up. It'll give Sam and the others time to see him before you get back, that way you can be by yourself with him. Okay? Also I only want him having one visitor at a time. Now Teal'c, take him and get him cleaned up," Janet ordered, watching me, making sure I didn't offer any more protests.
I didn't. No matter how much I wanted to see Daniel I knew I had to clean up first and the longer I protested the longer it would be before I would see him, so I let Teal'c lift me up and help me to the showers in the back of the infirmary.
To Be Continued.
"Colonel? Colonel O'Neill! What the Hell happened out there?" a concerned General Hammond asked me as we quickly followed Doctor Fraiser and her team out of the Gate room to the infirmary. "I.Daniel.There was a Jaffa Patrol.Didn't see them.I didn't.I should have seen them.It was my fault.I couldn't protect him." I mumbled out, my eyes never leaving the bloodied and battered form of my lover.
God Danny what did I do?
Why did this happen to you?
Why?
I know I didn't really give Hammond an answer to his question but I couldn't. I can't. It hurts too much to think about. Carter and Teal'c know about our relationship; have for the past year. They can understand to a certain degree what I'm going through.
I remember Hammond saying something about getting cleaned up but I wasn't really listening. I was trying not to lose control and say or do something in front of Hammond that I may come to regret latter.
I know that I'm being quiet and withdrawn from everyone and I know they are only trying to help me but I don't need their pity. I need Daniel. I need to know he is going to be all right - that my mistake hasn't cost him his life.
Daniel's been rushed in for emergency surgery. I could tell by the look on Janet's face as they wheeled him in that it doesn't look good. That he could die. But I also know she will do everything in her power to save him.
God, even thinking about the possibility that he may die is too much to take. I feel like screaming and crying and going mad but I won't do any of it. I need to keep up appearances.
This is so fucked up. I can't even show that I care for him more than a friend or colleague would, which is stupid. All I want to do is hold him and never let go.
I hate the waiting. Not knowing whether he's going to pull through or not - it's a fucking nightmare. It's like losing Charlie all over again.
The only difference is if Daniel dies, I won't recover. My life won't be worth living without him there by my side.
~~~~~~~~~~
// 'Noooo!' Sara screamed as we heard the sound of a gun discharging.
I knew in my gut, the moment that gun had gone off what had happened. I just hope that I am wrong. We both raced up the stars of our two-story home and into the master bedroom to find Charlie lying on the floor of the bedroom covered in blood, and holding onto my personal revolver.
"No! Charlie!" I called out as I bent down to pick up the limp form of my son. I carried him to the car running all the way with a hysterical Sara right behind me. I couldn't stop to comfort her; all I could think of was getting my baby boy to the hospital.
As I sped to the hospital Sara cradled Charlie in her arms trying to stem the flow of blood.
We reached the military hospital in record time; thankfully we hadn't been pulled over.
"We need a doctor. Now!" I screamed out as I pushed my way through the swinging doors of the hospital. All of a sudden doctors and nurses surrounded us, pulling Charlie from my arms to be placed on a bed.
I was trying to calm Sara down when the doctor came back from surgery. "How is he, Doctor?" I asked in a horse voice "I'm sorry," he told us. "Your son died during surgery."
"No! No, no.no. There must be some sort of mistake," Sara pleaded with him. "I'm sorry, there was nothing we could do." By then I was cradling a distraught Sara in my arms, trying to give and receive comfort as we mourned the loss of our only child.
When we finally laid our boy to rest I thought my life would be over. I was devastated, but somehow I survived it, moved on, however, I will always blame myself for what happened to my baby boy. //
~~~~~~~~~~
He's been in surgery for twelve hours now. I've been pacing the corridor for the past hour. I can't keep still. I'm worried that if I sit down it'll give me too much time to think and if I do that I'll break down and cry like a baby. Can you believe it? I'm a frigging Air Force Colonel for Christ's sake. Air Force colonels do NOT cry.
See what you do to me Danny?
You're the only one that has ever been able to make me feel as if I can open up. Not be afraid to let my emotions show. All you've ever given me was your love and understanding. You never condemned me for showing you a softer side of myself. I didn't even open up to Sara like I do to you.
Fuck. When will he be out of there?
What's taking so fucking long? He should be out by now. It's been twelve and a half hours, for crying out loud.
Please let him be all right.
Damn it, Daniel, if you don't make it though this.
No, think positive O'Neill.
When you make it through this, I'll retire so we can openly be together and we'll get married just like we were planning to.
"Colonel, I know your worried about him, we all are. We know what you're going through, Sir, but can you stop the pacing, it's driving me nuts," Carter snaps.
"No! You don't know. You have NO fucking idea of what I'm going through right now. So just shut the hell up and keep your opinions to yourself," I angrily bark at her, spinning around to face her.
"I'm sorry. Look, we're just trying to help you; He's our friend too, so don't you think we'd know what you are going through, Sir?' She was starting to get angry.
"Even so, it's not your lover lying in there fighting for his life," I hiss at her, flinging my arm out, indicating the infirmary. I quickly change tact and apologise to her after seeing the look of hurt on Carter's face, "Look, Carter, I'm sorry. You're right, you do know a bit of what I'm going through and I'm sorry for snapping at you but I'm a little.highly strung at the moment, so I apologize in advance for anything I may say or do," I reply flopping back down into one of the infirmary chairs and looking up at the ceiling trying to blink away the rapidly forming tears.
Air Force Colonels do NOT cry.
"Damn it," I swear under my breath, roughly wiping the stray tears that had begun to fall down my face.
"Colonel, are you all right?" Carter asks as she moves over to sit beside me on the uncomfortable infirmary chairs. I look over at her, my eyes shining with tears as I shake my head and try to get rid of the ones that are now streaming down my face. As I wipe at my face again I feel soft arm's surround my body pulling me into their warm, comforting embrace.
I lean into Carter's embrace and quietly cry against her shoulder. "Shhh. He's going to be all right, we've been in these situation's before and we've always come out fine. He will be fine this time too. You can never keep Daniel down for long. He's a fighter. Don't give up on him now, not when he needs you the most," she whispers gently into my ear trying to comfort me. Slowly I began to calm down and stop crying.
Suddenly, realising what had happened and the position I had been in, I abruptly pull away roughly wiping my red eyes dry. "I'm sorry. I, ah, look about that.um.you won't.?" "Don't worry, Sir, I won't tell a soul and, believe it or not, I can understand what you are going through. We just want to help you through this. If you don't want everyone starting to question why you are spending so much time here you're going to need your friends. We only want to help you. Please let us?" Gazing into my eyes, she pleaded with me to let her and Teal'c help. I just mutely nodded. I knew she was right but it didn't mean I had to like the fact. I know she wants me to reassure her with words that I'd let them help, but the truth was that I was afraid, that if I spoke I'd break down and cry again, only this time I wouldn't be able to stop.
Jut as Carter was about to say something else Doctor Fraiser walked out of the OR, removing the mask she wore.
As soon as I saw her I rushed over to her wanting to know how he was doing.
God. Please be all right.
"He was very severely injured. We managed to stop the internal bleeding, but he lost a lot of blood. At the moment he's in a critical condition. The staff blast caught his lower back. It also appears that a piece of stray shrapnel found its way into his skull. We decided to leave it there, at the moment its not causing any problems, but I felt if we were to attempt removing it, it would cause more damage than leaving it there would. At the moment the only thing keeping him alive is the life support system. I'm sorry I don't have better news," Janet said in a monotone, trying to keep her analysis of his condition professional. I didn't hear most of what she said; it just washed over me as if I were watching it on the TV.
I suddenly didn't feel very good; as I felt my legs go to jelly and start to fall to the floor.
A pair of strong arms surrounded me, preventing my inevitable descent, before I threw up all over the floor.
Teal'c gently lowers me to the ground, giving Janet access to check me over. I feel her inject me with something. "Colonel? Look at me; you're going into shock. I gave you a shot to help but I'm going to get Teal'c to take you to the infirmary shower block and clean you up rather than the nurses. I don't think you need that right now, okay?" I focused on Janet's worried face before nodding and managing to croak out my protests at not being able to go in and see Danny. "You can see Daniel as soon as you are cleaned up. It'll give Sam and the others time to see him before you get back, that way you can be by yourself with him. Okay? Also I only want him having one visitor at a time. Now Teal'c, take him and get him cleaned up," Janet ordered, watching me, making sure I didn't offer any more protests.
I didn't. No matter how much I wanted to see Daniel I knew I had to clean up first and the longer I protested the longer it would be before I would see him, so I let Teal'c lift me up and help me to the showers in the back of the infirmary.
To Be Continued.