Hello, are you still there? Good, 'cause I wanted to excuse myself another
time for being so slowly. I'm very busy in school right now and don't have
much time to write. I also plan to translate this fic into German, because
some friends of mine don't understand the English version. (Sounds funny,
but I prefer to write in English much more than in German.) So it might
take some time until I'm done with the next chapter.
As always a BIG THANKS to EVERYONE who reviewed!
daniz: Thank you! Yes, of course that's how we could clear it all up! But it's much more fun , when the have to solve all possible and impossible problems first! At least it is for me. I know, that's selfish . . . But I love Sirius too much to let him go on like that forever.
Sylvia: Thanks! Yeah, I know how I want to write it now, at least most of it. Well the trick is, that I don't concentrate on those classes at all. And my teacher's happy with it, 'cause she's been doing the lessons with me while everybody else didn't pay attention. After some time she got irritated and told me to stop putting my hand up if she asks something. *shrugs* Pity that they changed our timetable though; we only have two lessons per week now . . .
karno-L: Thanks for reviewing! You're right, that's not very nice and there is more angst to come. I liked it, too!! : )
mette: Thanks! Don't worry, the secret will be revealed! And no, it's not because they want to look good while facing the evil!
dumb bomb: Nice name, are you pointing at something? And thanks, yeah, I'll try!
karno-L: Didn't I answer you already? Oh, that was chap.8! Err, thank you, and yes I think it's gonna be good!
kat: Thank you for reviewing! Yes, he really needs it. Especially in this chapter!
Justin: Thank you! Does it have to do something with the age?
caromausi: Thanks, I hope you got farer than chap.3 by now. And I will keep it on, don't worry!
A.Dee: Thanks! Hm, but the site isn't translated. Do you have funny symbols in my reviews? *shrugs* Who cares!
Now enjoy this chapter:
~*~*~*~*~*~
GUILT
Back in their rooms, Sirius shifted to his human form and inspected the mirror Dumbledore had given them. He had no idea what it was, let alone how to use it. It seemed to be an ordinary small silver mirror, which would be used to check one's reflection.
"Ah yes, you wouldn't know what to do with it." Remus was standing in the doorway, a bemused expression on his face. The Animagus looked up at him questionally. He moved a bit so his friend could sit on the couch, too. "It was developed about six years ago. It's called a "handy". You take something with a thin end and write a message on the surface. Look."
He took a pencil from the table and began to scribble across the mirror. Where touched it left dark lines. "Flubberwormooze", Sirius read, remembering the Headmaster had told them, it was the password. The lines melted away into the smooth surface, as if something sucked them in. Then a shimmer darted across it and the word "running" formed.
That word, too, melted away. Remus wrote onto it again. "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good!" This time the writing didn't disappear. The werewolf paused a moment. Then he added "phoenix" under the note, which melted almost instantly.
"That's Dumbledore's codename.", he explained unnecessarily. "The names of the other Order members are also registered. That thing knows where to send it when you write the address on it." He fell silent as the shimmer darted across the mirror again. "It shimmers like that if you have a mail. Just write the password", he scribbled "flubberwormooze" on it again, "and it shows the note." The handy did so as he spoke.
"I hope your friend is, too.", it read. Sirius shook his head. "Who gets such ideas?", he asked amazed as he took the small mirror and pocketed it. The tawny haired man shrugged. "Dunno. But I don't really care, as long as it works." He stretched and slumped back, snuggling into the cushions comfortably.
His friend did the same and let himself fall against Remus' shoulder. "How's your leg?", the werewolf asked. "Doesn't hurt anymore. Just if I move much.", Sirius answered, not noticing the other's frown. "Maybe you should see Madam Pomfrey. It should be ok by now."
The Animagus stiffened. He really didn't want to go to the infirmary and meet the mediwitch again. He hated the mistrusting looks other people gave him, even if they had Dumbledore's word, he was innocent. The harsh voices he was spoken to in or the cold tone they'd use. Sometimes it made him believe he actually was a criminal.
He sighted. Remembering how he'd been sure people would see that it had all been a misunderstanding. That he hadn't intended to hurt anyone. He had really thought he could have his old life back, could forget Azkaban, all the nights he'd spent lonely and in despair. But with each passing day, with each nightmare that woke him screaming at night, with each damming look from people he'd thought would believe him that hope cracked a bit more. And now it was close to break completely.
The feelings and memories he'd been suppressing all the time started to well up, together with the accusing whisper of his conscience. From that point of view he really was. In the end it was him, who had failed his friends. Hadn't he given James his word, that he would take care of his godson, if anything happened? What had he made out of this promise? Harry was growing up, with just an occasional letter or short visit from his godfather. Not the way it should be. Because of him.
Just as the death of Harry's parents. The deaths of all those muggles. The fact, that Remus had been alone for more than twelve years, avoided by other people because he'd once been friends with the murderer. That Wormtail had gone back to his master and helped him rise again. That the Wood-boy was an orphan now, with his parents killed by Voldemort. He'd always had the chance to stop it, and every time he failed. Why did he make all the people around him suffer?!
Remus noticed the sudden change in his friend and, guessing what had caused it, pulled him into a warm embrace. He tightened the hug as a quiet sob wracked Sirius' body and tears fell down on his robes. Holding the black haired man tightly he rocked him in his arms like a small child. Sirius just cried into his shoulder quietly, not saying a word or making any sounds. After an hour or so he fell asleep in the comforting arms.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Remus shifted his friend on the couch and covered him with on of the blankets, that were lying in front of the fireplace. Sirius' somewhat labile state of psyche was worrying him really now. A nervous breakdown twice a day was a bit much, even considered the undeniable traumatic experiences he'd gone through.
He would talk to Dumbledore about this, 'cause it was obvious that Sirius needed help. But first he would take care of something else. Making sure the Animagus was sleeping soundly he tiptoed out of the room and made his way down to the dungeons.
A cold "Come in!" was sneered as an answer to his knock. He went into the Potions master's office and closed the door behind him. Snape was sitting at his desk, grading tests. He looked up at the werewolf as he stood in front of the table, waiting politely for him to speak.
"So? What do you want? You won't need the potion for a fortnight." Black eyes stared at Remus through a curtain of greasy, coal hair. Remus shook his head. "No, I wanted to ask you to brew another potion for me." Snape raised an eyebrow at him. "And that would be?", he snarled icily.
"Dreamless Sleep Potion.", the reply came softly. This time both eyebrows shoot up. "And you're sure it's for you?", Snape asked silkily. Remus kept his gaze firmly on Snape's eyes. "Well, not exactly for me.", he stated calmly. "Black." It wasn't a question. "Yes, he isn't sleeping well recently." The Potions Professor looked, as if he was about to make a snide comment, but remained silent, looking at the werewolf as if in thought. Then he nodded.
"Tonight, 8 o'clock.", he said curtly and went on to grade the papers before him again. Remus smiled at him knowingly. "Thank you, Severus." With that he left the office.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Sirius woke up with a start, a shudder running down his spine. It took him a few minutes to realize that he was at Hogwarts, not at Remus' anymore. The nightmare had been less vivid than at other times, but it still left him cold and frightened.
Looking around he noticed that he was alone in the rooms he and Remus shared. But where did his friend go? He sighted and fell back on the couch, trying to remember what happened before he fell asleep. He felt his face and neck flush at the memory. This was so embarrassing, as much as it hurt. The memories simply didn't let go. Or he didn't. Couldn't.
Sirius shook his head; he didn't want to think about it now. He hated to think about it in general. It brought back everything, all the things he'd hoped to be buried deep inside him for the rest of his life. He wasn't sure what Remus was thinking now. Knowing that most of the other people thought he was mad psychopath, he had learned to ignore their opinion. But knowing that his best friend was thinking of him the same way really pained him.
It was getting dark. He got up and searched for his wand, realizing he'd lost it in the forest. He swore under his breath und let himself fall down on the soft rug in front of the fireplace. Pulling his knees up, he stared in the dark hearth and let his thoughts drift again.
Suddenly the fire roared up and he let out a startled yelp as he scrambled away. With a pop the head of Professor Dumbledore appeared in the flames. He seemed to be surprised to see Sirius there, but smiled at him nonetheless. "Sirius! How are you feeling?" The Animagus blinked, somewhat confused. "Err . . .fine, thanks." He mentally kicked himself for being so smart. "If you want to speak to Remus, he's gone. Don't know where though. . ."
Dumbledore shook his head. "No, no, I wanted to talk to you. Remus has been with me a short while ago." Sirius swallowed uneasily. "Oh?", was all he managed to get out. The Headmasters face grew sober. "He's really worried about you. And me, too, after what he told me about your dreams." The young man felt his heart sink at the statement. He was somewhat embarrassed as he lowered his eyes to the floor. "Sirius." The stern voice made him look up again, a heavy feeling in his stomach. Dumbledore watched him, the twinkle in his blue eyes gone. "No one forces you to go through this alone. Don't hesitate to ask for help, do you hear me?" His voice was gentle and Sirius knew that he was just trying to do his best. Still those feelings didn't let go of his heart. He remained silent for a few minutes, breathing hard as he tried to suppress tears. Were did they come from anyway?! The last thing he needed was to collapse crying on the floor in front of the Headmaster.
Dumbledore sensed his discomfort. He let out a small sigh as the Animagus avoided his eyes again. "Good night, Sirius. Sleep well." He nodded. "G'night Professor." The black haired man only looked up as the old wizard had vanished, his throat very tight. He sank back into thoughts for another while.
He winced as he heard the door open with a creak and soft footsteps neared. Remus paused as he saw the discarded blanket on the couch and his friend sitting in front of the fire. He walked in the room and sat down beside Sirius. He didn't say anything.
After a few minutes the Animagus broke the silence. "So you did talk to Dumbledore?" It didn't really sound like question. The werewolf nodded, resting his hands in his lap. "Yes. He told you?" Now it was Sirius turn to nod. Another few minutes passed.
"Sirius, I didn't want to hurt you. I just . . ." ". . .thought I would freak out again.", the other man finished bitterly. He wasn't mad at Remus, but at himself. In the end it was him who messed up. "No. Yes. NO! I. . .I didn't want to push you any further. I thought it was good if I let you rest. I didn't know what to do." He looked up at his friend helplessly. "This isn't because I don't trust you or think you're not worth it. I wouldn't do this if I believed what they say about you. It's just that I'm afraid you don't want me to help you."
Sirius turned his head, feeling guilty. "I'm sorry Moony.", he murmured, and blinked the tears away. Warm arms encircled him and he let himself sink into the comforting hug. "Don't do that.", Remus said quietly as he pulled him closer. "Don't blame yourself Padfoot. None of that blame is yours." They sat in silence for a while, holding on to each other tightly.
"I can't stand it sometimes.", Sirius began to talk softly. "The way they're looking at me. Or treat me. It makes me feel like a . . .a criminal. Someone not worth to look at. I try to tell myself that they're wrong, because they don't know or understand." He took a deep breath and went on: "But when I see their faces, I just have to think of James and . . ." At this his voice failed. Remus didn't say anything, just listened to his friend and patiently waited for him to go on.
After a while he started to speak again. "I miss them so much.", he whispered. "Every time I remember that night I see him lying on the ground. So empty and . . .dead . . . It all comes back; all the muggles dead and Harry alone, Lily and James gone, you without anyone . . . It's like the first night I spent there, with the Dementors, and all the pictures played through my head. I lied to you. It hurts so much and I could have stopped it . . . I failed them all . . ."
A single tear rolled down his cheek as he stared into the fire, seemingly far gone. Remus pushed the hair out of his face and wiped the teardrop away. "That's not true. You tried you best to save them, in danger of your own life. You would've never betrayed Lily and James, even if they had tortured you, I know that. You've lived through Azkaban in order to keep your promise to James. And that's more then anybody could've asked of you."
He held him tightly as the tears began to stream down his own face. "James would never blame you for this Sirius, and you know it. You've been punished more than enough. Forgive yourself for those past mistakes, you have every right to." The Animagus sniffed and nodded. He cuddled into Remus chest and let out a heavy sigh.
"Thanks Moony."
~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N: Puh, five pages! Now I'm really spent. I already toyed with the thought to make two chapters out of it and present a nice cliff-hanger to you or so . . . so I wouldn't need to hurry up with writing the next part that much. But I'm no fan of cliffies, and you probably aren't, too. Hope that wasn't too long, now! *g*
Hm, what else to say? Well, I didn't intend to write a tear-jerker (it's hard to cry 'bout your own stories anyway) I hope that wasn't too mushy. Please tell me what you think of it! See you soon!
lara
As always a BIG THANKS to EVERYONE who reviewed!
daniz: Thank you! Yes, of course that's how we could clear it all up! But it's much more fun , when the have to solve all possible and impossible problems first! At least it is for me. I know, that's selfish . . . But I love Sirius too much to let him go on like that forever.
Sylvia: Thanks! Yeah, I know how I want to write it now, at least most of it. Well the trick is, that I don't concentrate on those classes at all. And my teacher's happy with it, 'cause she's been doing the lessons with me while everybody else didn't pay attention. After some time she got irritated and told me to stop putting my hand up if she asks something. *shrugs* Pity that they changed our timetable though; we only have two lessons per week now . . .
karno-L: Thanks for reviewing! You're right, that's not very nice and there is more angst to come. I liked it, too!! : )
mette: Thanks! Don't worry, the secret will be revealed! And no, it's not because they want to look good while facing the evil!
dumb bomb: Nice name, are you pointing at something? And thanks, yeah, I'll try!
karno-L: Didn't I answer you already? Oh, that was chap.8! Err, thank you, and yes I think it's gonna be good!
kat: Thank you for reviewing! Yes, he really needs it. Especially in this chapter!
Justin: Thank you! Does it have to do something with the age?
caromausi: Thanks, I hope you got farer than chap.3 by now. And I will keep it on, don't worry!
A.Dee: Thanks! Hm, but the site isn't translated. Do you have funny symbols in my reviews? *shrugs* Who cares!
Now enjoy this chapter:
~*~*~*~*~*~
GUILT
Back in their rooms, Sirius shifted to his human form and inspected the mirror Dumbledore had given them. He had no idea what it was, let alone how to use it. It seemed to be an ordinary small silver mirror, which would be used to check one's reflection.
"Ah yes, you wouldn't know what to do with it." Remus was standing in the doorway, a bemused expression on his face. The Animagus looked up at him questionally. He moved a bit so his friend could sit on the couch, too. "It was developed about six years ago. It's called a "handy". You take something with a thin end and write a message on the surface. Look."
He took a pencil from the table and began to scribble across the mirror. Where touched it left dark lines. "Flubberwormooze", Sirius read, remembering the Headmaster had told them, it was the password. The lines melted away into the smooth surface, as if something sucked them in. Then a shimmer darted across it and the word "running" formed.
That word, too, melted away. Remus wrote onto it again. "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good!" This time the writing didn't disappear. The werewolf paused a moment. Then he added "phoenix" under the note, which melted almost instantly.
"That's Dumbledore's codename.", he explained unnecessarily. "The names of the other Order members are also registered. That thing knows where to send it when you write the address on it." He fell silent as the shimmer darted across the mirror again. "It shimmers like that if you have a mail. Just write the password", he scribbled "flubberwormooze" on it again, "and it shows the note." The handy did so as he spoke.
"I hope your friend is, too.", it read. Sirius shook his head. "Who gets such ideas?", he asked amazed as he took the small mirror and pocketed it. The tawny haired man shrugged. "Dunno. But I don't really care, as long as it works." He stretched and slumped back, snuggling into the cushions comfortably.
His friend did the same and let himself fall against Remus' shoulder. "How's your leg?", the werewolf asked. "Doesn't hurt anymore. Just if I move much.", Sirius answered, not noticing the other's frown. "Maybe you should see Madam Pomfrey. It should be ok by now."
The Animagus stiffened. He really didn't want to go to the infirmary and meet the mediwitch again. He hated the mistrusting looks other people gave him, even if they had Dumbledore's word, he was innocent. The harsh voices he was spoken to in or the cold tone they'd use. Sometimes it made him believe he actually was a criminal.
He sighted. Remembering how he'd been sure people would see that it had all been a misunderstanding. That he hadn't intended to hurt anyone. He had really thought he could have his old life back, could forget Azkaban, all the nights he'd spent lonely and in despair. But with each passing day, with each nightmare that woke him screaming at night, with each damming look from people he'd thought would believe him that hope cracked a bit more. And now it was close to break completely.
The feelings and memories he'd been suppressing all the time started to well up, together with the accusing whisper of his conscience. From that point of view he really was. In the end it was him, who had failed his friends. Hadn't he given James his word, that he would take care of his godson, if anything happened? What had he made out of this promise? Harry was growing up, with just an occasional letter or short visit from his godfather. Not the way it should be. Because of him.
Just as the death of Harry's parents. The deaths of all those muggles. The fact, that Remus had been alone for more than twelve years, avoided by other people because he'd once been friends with the murderer. That Wormtail had gone back to his master and helped him rise again. That the Wood-boy was an orphan now, with his parents killed by Voldemort. He'd always had the chance to stop it, and every time he failed. Why did he make all the people around him suffer?!
Remus noticed the sudden change in his friend and, guessing what had caused it, pulled him into a warm embrace. He tightened the hug as a quiet sob wracked Sirius' body and tears fell down on his robes. Holding the black haired man tightly he rocked him in his arms like a small child. Sirius just cried into his shoulder quietly, not saying a word or making any sounds. After an hour or so he fell asleep in the comforting arms.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Remus shifted his friend on the couch and covered him with on of the blankets, that were lying in front of the fireplace. Sirius' somewhat labile state of psyche was worrying him really now. A nervous breakdown twice a day was a bit much, even considered the undeniable traumatic experiences he'd gone through.
He would talk to Dumbledore about this, 'cause it was obvious that Sirius needed help. But first he would take care of something else. Making sure the Animagus was sleeping soundly he tiptoed out of the room and made his way down to the dungeons.
A cold "Come in!" was sneered as an answer to his knock. He went into the Potions master's office and closed the door behind him. Snape was sitting at his desk, grading tests. He looked up at the werewolf as he stood in front of the table, waiting politely for him to speak.
"So? What do you want? You won't need the potion for a fortnight." Black eyes stared at Remus through a curtain of greasy, coal hair. Remus shook his head. "No, I wanted to ask you to brew another potion for me." Snape raised an eyebrow at him. "And that would be?", he snarled icily.
"Dreamless Sleep Potion.", the reply came softly. This time both eyebrows shoot up. "And you're sure it's for you?", Snape asked silkily. Remus kept his gaze firmly on Snape's eyes. "Well, not exactly for me.", he stated calmly. "Black." It wasn't a question. "Yes, he isn't sleeping well recently." The Potions Professor looked, as if he was about to make a snide comment, but remained silent, looking at the werewolf as if in thought. Then he nodded.
"Tonight, 8 o'clock.", he said curtly and went on to grade the papers before him again. Remus smiled at him knowingly. "Thank you, Severus." With that he left the office.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Sirius woke up with a start, a shudder running down his spine. It took him a few minutes to realize that he was at Hogwarts, not at Remus' anymore. The nightmare had been less vivid than at other times, but it still left him cold and frightened.
Looking around he noticed that he was alone in the rooms he and Remus shared. But where did his friend go? He sighted and fell back on the couch, trying to remember what happened before he fell asleep. He felt his face and neck flush at the memory. This was so embarrassing, as much as it hurt. The memories simply didn't let go. Or he didn't. Couldn't.
Sirius shook his head; he didn't want to think about it now. He hated to think about it in general. It brought back everything, all the things he'd hoped to be buried deep inside him for the rest of his life. He wasn't sure what Remus was thinking now. Knowing that most of the other people thought he was mad psychopath, he had learned to ignore their opinion. But knowing that his best friend was thinking of him the same way really pained him.
It was getting dark. He got up and searched for his wand, realizing he'd lost it in the forest. He swore under his breath und let himself fall down on the soft rug in front of the fireplace. Pulling his knees up, he stared in the dark hearth and let his thoughts drift again.
Suddenly the fire roared up and he let out a startled yelp as he scrambled away. With a pop the head of Professor Dumbledore appeared in the flames. He seemed to be surprised to see Sirius there, but smiled at him nonetheless. "Sirius! How are you feeling?" The Animagus blinked, somewhat confused. "Err . . .fine, thanks." He mentally kicked himself for being so smart. "If you want to speak to Remus, he's gone. Don't know where though. . ."
Dumbledore shook his head. "No, no, I wanted to talk to you. Remus has been with me a short while ago." Sirius swallowed uneasily. "Oh?", was all he managed to get out. The Headmasters face grew sober. "He's really worried about you. And me, too, after what he told me about your dreams." The young man felt his heart sink at the statement. He was somewhat embarrassed as he lowered his eyes to the floor. "Sirius." The stern voice made him look up again, a heavy feeling in his stomach. Dumbledore watched him, the twinkle in his blue eyes gone. "No one forces you to go through this alone. Don't hesitate to ask for help, do you hear me?" His voice was gentle and Sirius knew that he was just trying to do his best. Still those feelings didn't let go of his heart. He remained silent for a few minutes, breathing hard as he tried to suppress tears. Were did they come from anyway?! The last thing he needed was to collapse crying on the floor in front of the Headmaster.
Dumbledore sensed his discomfort. He let out a small sigh as the Animagus avoided his eyes again. "Good night, Sirius. Sleep well." He nodded. "G'night Professor." The black haired man only looked up as the old wizard had vanished, his throat very tight. He sank back into thoughts for another while.
He winced as he heard the door open with a creak and soft footsteps neared. Remus paused as he saw the discarded blanket on the couch and his friend sitting in front of the fire. He walked in the room and sat down beside Sirius. He didn't say anything.
After a few minutes the Animagus broke the silence. "So you did talk to Dumbledore?" It didn't really sound like question. The werewolf nodded, resting his hands in his lap. "Yes. He told you?" Now it was Sirius turn to nod. Another few minutes passed.
"Sirius, I didn't want to hurt you. I just . . ." ". . .thought I would freak out again.", the other man finished bitterly. He wasn't mad at Remus, but at himself. In the end it was him who messed up. "No. Yes. NO! I. . .I didn't want to push you any further. I thought it was good if I let you rest. I didn't know what to do." He looked up at his friend helplessly. "This isn't because I don't trust you or think you're not worth it. I wouldn't do this if I believed what they say about you. It's just that I'm afraid you don't want me to help you."
Sirius turned his head, feeling guilty. "I'm sorry Moony.", he murmured, and blinked the tears away. Warm arms encircled him and he let himself sink into the comforting hug. "Don't do that.", Remus said quietly as he pulled him closer. "Don't blame yourself Padfoot. None of that blame is yours." They sat in silence for a while, holding on to each other tightly.
"I can't stand it sometimes.", Sirius began to talk softly. "The way they're looking at me. Or treat me. It makes me feel like a . . .a criminal. Someone not worth to look at. I try to tell myself that they're wrong, because they don't know or understand." He took a deep breath and went on: "But when I see their faces, I just have to think of James and . . ." At this his voice failed. Remus didn't say anything, just listened to his friend and patiently waited for him to go on.
After a while he started to speak again. "I miss them so much.", he whispered. "Every time I remember that night I see him lying on the ground. So empty and . . .dead . . . It all comes back; all the muggles dead and Harry alone, Lily and James gone, you without anyone . . . It's like the first night I spent there, with the Dementors, and all the pictures played through my head. I lied to you. It hurts so much and I could have stopped it . . . I failed them all . . ."
A single tear rolled down his cheek as he stared into the fire, seemingly far gone. Remus pushed the hair out of his face and wiped the teardrop away. "That's not true. You tried you best to save them, in danger of your own life. You would've never betrayed Lily and James, even if they had tortured you, I know that. You've lived through Azkaban in order to keep your promise to James. And that's more then anybody could've asked of you."
He held him tightly as the tears began to stream down his own face. "James would never blame you for this Sirius, and you know it. You've been punished more than enough. Forgive yourself for those past mistakes, you have every right to." The Animagus sniffed and nodded. He cuddled into Remus chest and let out a heavy sigh.
"Thanks Moony."
~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N: Puh, five pages! Now I'm really spent. I already toyed with the thought to make two chapters out of it and present a nice cliff-hanger to you or so . . . so I wouldn't need to hurry up with writing the next part that much. But I'm no fan of cliffies, and you probably aren't, too. Hope that wasn't too long, now! *g*
Hm, what else to say? Well, I didn't intend to write a tear-jerker (it's hard to cry 'bout your own stories anyway) I hope that wasn't too mushy. Please tell me what you think of it! See you soon!
lara