The Scarred and the Healer.
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me you questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing tails
And coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
He was not dead.
He was not dead. The female. She was not dead. She was not dead. He didn't kill her.
He had woken up in another cloud of smoke, the idea that he had killed her had been the first thing that had popped into his mind. He was not dead but he had killed her.he had killed someone again. He had searched frantically for her until he found her, coughing a bit as she stood next to her car.
She had been standing; she had not been lying on the floor. She had been standing.
He looked up startled as he broke away from his trance and quickly pulled her to him, looking for any signs of blood. He spun her around and ran his hands all over her body, trying to feel for any wounds, any signs that she was hurt. He spun her around one more time, ignoring the protests and whappings from the petite woman. He needed to know he hadn't killed her. He needed to know she was okay.
He squeezed her arms tightly, and brought his hands down to her elbows, making sure they were not broken. But the young woman yelped in pain.
She was hurt.
He looked at her startled. "You're in pain," he whispered. He had hurt her.
"Of course, I'm in pain," she spat, "you would be too if your arm was being squeezes brusquely by somebody twice your size!"
He looked up at her, guilt evident in his eyes. "I.I'm sorry.I thought that."
".that what?" she asked curiously.
"That.that you were hurt," he admitted.
She looked at him and chuckled, slowly shaking her head. He was concerned for her, he realized. The annoyance that she had just had when this stranger had touched her was gone and was now replaced by a small smile. "Don't worry. I'm fine," she told him truthfully. "I could have almost died but nothing happened, we just."
He suddenly grabbed her again and pulled her against his strong chest. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he cried. "I.oh god, I almost killed you.I..."
He stopped mid-sentence and once again roamed his eyes all over her body, making sure once again needing to check that she was okay.
After confirming that she had no wounds and that nothing hurt, the young man suddenly slumped down on his knees and broke down crying. "I.I almost killed you," he cried. "I almost killed you."
She looked at the young man sadly. "It wasn't your fault," she whispered, trying to make him feel better. But he kept on crying. She had recognized him as the Odd Man across the street; he was the very same man whom she had sneaked on every single night. She sighed and hugged the Odd man tightly as he cried against her chest, his tears soaking through the thin fabric of her shirt. How she wished she could take away his pain. How wished she knew what troubles this man was going through.
He kept on crying in the arms of this young woman whom up until this night he had never known. A woman he had almost killed. If it weren't for the fact that pain had been running through his heart with such an intense and feverish hold on his, he might have been a bit self-conscious. But tonight, the reasons for which his heart wept were bigger than himself. Tonight, had failed in dying. Even worse, he had almost killed an innocent woman.
And so here he was, crying against the chest of this stranger. She was so warm.so incredibly warm. She was just like her. Soft and warm. He suddenly looked up into her eyes for the first time.
Her Eyes. Emerald Green. They were so similar to.
"Liahnica?" he whispered, wiping away the tears that had fallen from his eyes.
No, it couldn't possibly be.she was dead. He would never ever see her again. She.
"Excuse me?" the young woman asked, rather confused.
"Liahnica," he smiled, looking into her eyes once again.
They were so similar. They same emerald green. The same spark but. These eyes were Alive.
It was not her. She was an imposter, he realized. She was trying to kill him with her games; tease him with her similarity. What was this woman up to? Why was she doing this to him? Couldn't she see how hurt he was?
An imposter. She was an imposter. An imposter who just wanted to play with his feeling. An imposter who got in the way of his death tonight. An imposter who got in his way from being with his love.
She looked down at the stranger who had now suddenly stopped crying. He was looking at her intently and she could not help but heel uncomfortable under his penetrating gaze. She was beginning to realize the Odd Man was even Odder than she has expected; first driving in the wrong lane, then crashing in to her, suddenly breaking down crying.
"You're not her," he finally said, in a voice she could hardly hear.
Confusion crossed her eyes momentarily, "I am not who?"
"Stop it," he told her firmly, wiping away the last of his tears. "I am in no mood for games, woman."
"It's Maria. Not 'woman;' Maria."
"Imposter."
"I.what are you talking about?"
"Why are you doing this?" he yelled, looking at her with a spark of fear in his eyes. "Just go away," he said as he started to back away from her. "Go away! Go away! Don't come near me. Just."
"Excuse me," she interrupted, "but how the hell am I supposed to know what you're talking about? First you crash into me, practically killing me; and then you."
"God, shut up!" he yelled. "Shut up, shut up, shut up," he kept on repeating. "Leave me alone! Just leave me alone," he kept on yelling as he ran away from her.
*************
The Healer.
She hesitantly looked into the mirror, once again hoping that the girl that starred back at her was someone different. But once again, she was let down as the girl that starred back at her was the same girl that had starred back at her yesterday, it was the same girl that had starred back at her for years.
Maria sighed and closed her eyes, leaning her forehead against the cool glass of her bedroom mirror. The Mirror. He had seen it all. He had witnessed her nocturnal tears. He had seen every one of her movements and had captured every one of her actions. He was a secret spy, hiding quietly behind her bedroom door as he took in every one of her features and made them his secrets. Secrets that he was ready to spill as soon as she just looked at him.
He held no pity; for he was her truth. A truth that taunted her on a daily basis. He was a daily taunt she could not escape. He was the reality she had tried so hard to run away from. He would give her some confidence and then rip it away from her carelessly as soon as he felt like it. He had her in his grip, controlling every one of her actions. She was but a slave of his strings.
He had no mercy; for he would spell it all. He laughed at her every morning. He spoke harsh truths; truths that she did not want to hear. He had seen it all and was not discrete about it as he would reveal to her the secrets she was to afraid to see. So she tried to ignore him, but his screams would be too loud and she would not be able to run away.
So now she stood before him, unable to walk away as she starred intently at the girl trapped inside the mirror. Ugly. That's how she felt. Ugly and grotesque. She sadly starred at the reflection of her body. Once again, it was distorted. The dark bags under her eyes greeted her with their presence as they rested comfortably along her pale face. Stubborn strands of hair once again seemed to have a mind of their own as they stuck this way and that. Her face, too, seemed to have grown grotesquely large and her mouth appeared to be but a big hole taking up nothing but space in her pale face. Her lips were huge, dull, and plain ugly. Perhaps she could make them less disgusting if she added a little bit of color.perhaps she wouldn't be as ugly if she were somebody else.
She took a few steps back and turned her body slightly to the right in order to see herself better in the full length mirror. Her hips had seemed to have grown a few feet wider since yesterday. She tried to pull her shirt down a bit, hoping to cover up her distorted figure. But even the shirt seemed to have wanted to form a conspiracy against her body as it fit too tight on her now. She wasn't surprised though; according to the mirror, she always gained weight. Weight that in due time would make her look even more ugly.
Had anyone else noticed her huge size? Had they noticed that the more her hips and stomach grew the flatter her chest appeared? Had they noticed the huge mountains covering her face as she vainly attempted to treat them with Neutrogena? She sighed and covered her head with her hands as she attempted to control the tears welling up in her puny little eyes. She couldn't cry. Not now. It would make her eyes look puffy and red.
She couldn't cry.
But she lost the war, and soon she found herself looking at a blurry reflection of herself in the mirror. Tears trickled down her cheeks and her eyes grew puffy and red. Things never went the way she wanted them too. Even when she prayed with all her might to be a bit decent, she was still ugly.
Maybe that was the reason why she was now so lonely. Maybe that was the reason why she was now left behind and abandoned. They had abandoned her. All of them.
Her father had died. Her best friend, Alex had also died. Her first boyfriend had left her for another girl. He had always been in love with his high school sweetheart but had finally decided to declare his love for her before she left to college and lost her forever. She never blamed him; for he was only going after his true love. But still, she had been abandoned. Left for someone else. Perhaps if it had only been them.perhaps she wouldn't feel this way. But every single boy that had come after him had also ended up leaving her for someone or something else.
Maybe it was her fault for believing in men in the first place. How could she have believed that she would be good enough when she knew perfectly well that she was nothing? Never good enough. She was the ugly girl who everyone pitied and nobody liked. She was the fat. She was the ugly. She was the abandoned. She was Maria. the one always left behind.
.even the Odd Man from across her building. even he had quickly seen that she was nothing. Even he ran and left her behind.
Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never
clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'
right
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah
LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
**************************
The Wounded.
No mountain's too high for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith
No river's too wide for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray
And then you will see the morning will come
And every day will be bright as the sun
All of your fears cast them on me
I just want you to see
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone I'm here No matter how far you are I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel, I'm your angel
I saw your teardrops and I heard you cry
All you need is time
Seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It don't have to be this way
Let me show you a better day
And then you will see the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears just cast them on me
how can I make you see?
And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be there by your side
Grace will keep us safe and warm
And I know we will survive
And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky...
She sat quietly at the hood of the SUV that had been left deserted at the bottom of the cliff. The sound of the screeching tires, the shattering of the glass, the echoes of the pain-filled screams.they had all now faded into the midnight's silence.
She sighed. The consuming silence brought about by the darkness had always frightened her. Knowing that she was still awake even though all other creatures had long-ago fallen into unconsciousness made her feel as though she was breaking the rules that had long ago been set by nature; defying the hands of time that the sun and the moon had long ago prepared.
Still, she found that she couldn't leave this place. The sound of silence allured her as did the trees and the mountains, the cliff and the stars. They kept her in place as she found that she wouldn't be able to walk away from this place if she tried. And so she sat here, quietly; lost in her thoughts as nature seemed to watch on.
She hugged her knees and closed her eyes, letting her mind become a victim of the memories. It was different now. This time she was still sitting among the debris, watching as life spun around her. This time, her body had not been thrown out of the car. This time, she had not died.
.Or perhaps she did. Perhaps reliving the accident did kill her. Yes, she had died again tonight. She had died again just the way she had died every single morning since the accident. But tonight was different. Tonight, she died as she watched the scene unfold. She had died whilst she was sitting in the passenger seat of Michael's SUV. She died at the mere thought of never being able to be with him again. She died as she watched the scene unfold again.
She never realized it had traumatized her. She had guessed that the trauma was something Michael had carried in his shoulders. And so she stood by him time and time again, trying to help him with him wound, trying to help him with his scar. But her? She was traumatized as well. She was the wounded. And unlike Michael, she had never healed. Perhaps she didn't know she had a wound of trauma to begin with.
"Alex." she whispered, suddenly feeling his presence behind her.
"How'd you know I was here?" he smiled at her shyly.
"I can feel you," she told him truthfully.
He came toward her and climbed toward the hood of the SUV to sit beside her. "Why so sad?" he asked, wrapping his arm around her.
"Not sad."
"So you're gonna lie to me, now?" he raised his eyebrow, half-expecting her to deny it.
She gave him a tight smile and sighed. "I don't want to be sad, Alex. I really don't."
He ran his fingers through her golden strands of hair and sighed. "I know you don't, sweetie. Nobody wants to be sad. Not if we can help it," he whispered.
She leaned her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. "But it hurts, Alex. It hurts so much."
"Being in this place doesn't help, sweetie. You keep on coming back here but why? Why do you torture yourself like this?"
"I.I couldn't leave," she admitted. "Being here brings so many memories, Alex, so many." she whispered as she played with her hands, trying to keep herself from crying. ".And tonight, when I found myself going through the accident again I just .I couldn't leave. I guess I just.I don't know," she sighed, "I don't know anything no more."
"Tell me, Liahnica," Alex urged her to continue, "Tell me how it feels."
She lifted her head up and looked at him through teary eyes. "I feel guilty," she told him truthfully. "Every time he asks why I left I feel guilty.like I failed him. And that hurts. It hurts to know that you've hurt the person you most love," she sniffed, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill.
"It was not in your hands," he said softly, wiping away the lone tear that had trickled down from the pool of her emerald eyes.
"Alex, when he was in that SUV.when he was about to dive down the cliff.I knew I would never be with him again," she cried. "I knew that by him seeking his own death we would never be together again. I would lose him," she choked as her tears started to become sobs. "And that feeling.to know you'll never be with your lover again is the worst feeling in the world. I was only able to feel it for a moment before he dived down the cliff.but even in that brief moment, I felt like I died, Alex, oh god, I felt like I died. I died again."
Alex held her close and comforted her as her sobs shook through her frail body. "He loves you so much, Liahnica. And he would give anything to be with you again. You did not fail him."
".but.but I did," she insisted. "Don't you understand?" she lifted her head from his shoulder and looked into Alex's eyes. "For the first time I actually felt what he felt! I actually felt what he goes through everyday, thinking that he'll never be with the one person most loves."
"You aren't able to be with him either, Liahnica. You hurt too."
She shook her head, wiping away the tears that kept on falling from her eyes. "I may not be alive, but I can still see him. I can still feel him, Alex. And that makes a world of difference...Being able to see him helps me with my ache. But him? What heals his ache?"
"Liahnica."
"No, Alex," she insisted. "I'm not done."
Alex nodded and let her continue.
"I'm his angel but he doesn't know it. He doesn't believe in angels, he doesn't believe in God. He doesn't know I'm right by his side. He thinks he lost me forever. Everyday he lives with the sentiment that I lived with for just a few moments."
"But you live with that feeling everyday, Liahnica. You didn't live with them for just a few moments."
"But his hurt is so much bigger." she sniffed. "And I caused it all. I hurt him. It hurts me to know I hurt him. It hurts me to know he cannot feel me. It hurts me to feel hurt."
"Then stop the hurt, Liahnica. Stop it all," he whispered. "You know that the doors to heaven are still open for you, Liahnica.you won't hurt no more."
She looked at him and shook her head, wrapping her arms tighter around her body. "I can't," she whispered. "I will not leave him behind, Alex. I..I just can't. To keep him from hurting I'll turn my back on heaven time and time again, Alex. But not even like that," she cried, "not even like that I can stop him from hurting."
Alex looked at her and brought her body closer to his, hugging her tighter.
And she accepted his embraced. Welcomed the embrace that she had needed for so long and the world had refused to grant her. And so she clung on to him. She clung to him like a lifeline. And he didn't object. Instead, he kept on holding her tightly as her body rocked with sobs, kept on whispering soothing words into her ears as the sounds of her pain-filled cries echoes through the night.
Perhaps it was the fact that she had not talked to anyone in a long time. Perhaps it was the fact that she had just gone through another accident before she even got over the first one. Maybe it was the fact that her wounds were opening more internal wounds every single day. But for some reason, with heaven as her witness, and darkness as her guide, she allowed herself to cry. She allowed herself to really cry. The tears that had been hiding under the surface of her wounds for so long finally found an escape. The hurt that had been welling up inside her finally let go of its cowardice as it reacquainted itself with the feeling of being free again. And though the next morning she would most likely wake up with more ache welled up inside the chambers of her heart, tonight she just let it out.
And that's how she stayed, clung to Alex as she slowly drifted to sleep; the sleep she had denied herself since her death. How could one creature be so intent in healing the wounds of others when she, herself, perhaps had the greatest wound of them all never ceased to puzzle him. But for tonight, he allowed himself to be her healer, be the healer that she didn't knew she needed; be the healer that will help her heal her wounds with something other than pain. Tonight, he would be her comfort as she slept. Tonight he would be an angel's angel. Tomorrow.tomorrow would be another day.
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me you questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing tails
And coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
He was not dead.
He was not dead. The female. She was not dead. She was not dead. He didn't kill her.
He had woken up in another cloud of smoke, the idea that he had killed her had been the first thing that had popped into his mind. He was not dead but he had killed her.he had killed someone again. He had searched frantically for her until he found her, coughing a bit as she stood next to her car.
She had been standing; she had not been lying on the floor. She had been standing.
He looked up startled as he broke away from his trance and quickly pulled her to him, looking for any signs of blood. He spun her around and ran his hands all over her body, trying to feel for any wounds, any signs that she was hurt. He spun her around one more time, ignoring the protests and whappings from the petite woman. He needed to know he hadn't killed her. He needed to know she was okay.
He squeezed her arms tightly, and brought his hands down to her elbows, making sure they were not broken. But the young woman yelped in pain.
She was hurt.
He looked at her startled. "You're in pain," he whispered. He had hurt her.
"Of course, I'm in pain," she spat, "you would be too if your arm was being squeezes brusquely by somebody twice your size!"
He looked up at her, guilt evident in his eyes. "I.I'm sorry.I thought that."
".that what?" she asked curiously.
"That.that you were hurt," he admitted.
She looked at him and chuckled, slowly shaking her head. He was concerned for her, he realized. The annoyance that she had just had when this stranger had touched her was gone and was now replaced by a small smile. "Don't worry. I'm fine," she told him truthfully. "I could have almost died but nothing happened, we just."
He suddenly grabbed her again and pulled her against his strong chest. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he cried. "I.oh god, I almost killed you.I..."
He stopped mid-sentence and once again roamed his eyes all over her body, making sure once again needing to check that she was okay.
After confirming that she had no wounds and that nothing hurt, the young man suddenly slumped down on his knees and broke down crying. "I.I almost killed you," he cried. "I almost killed you."
She looked at the young man sadly. "It wasn't your fault," she whispered, trying to make him feel better. But he kept on crying. She had recognized him as the Odd Man across the street; he was the very same man whom she had sneaked on every single night. She sighed and hugged the Odd man tightly as he cried against her chest, his tears soaking through the thin fabric of her shirt. How she wished she could take away his pain. How wished she knew what troubles this man was going through.
He kept on crying in the arms of this young woman whom up until this night he had never known. A woman he had almost killed. If it weren't for the fact that pain had been running through his heart with such an intense and feverish hold on his, he might have been a bit self-conscious. But tonight, the reasons for which his heart wept were bigger than himself. Tonight, had failed in dying. Even worse, he had almost killed an innocent woman.
And so here he was, crying against the chest of this stranger. She was so warm.so incredibly warm. She was just like her. Soft and warm. He suddenly looked up into her eyes for the first time.
Her Eyes. Emerald Green. They were so similar to.
"Liahnica?" he whispered, wiping away the tears that had fallen from his eyes.
No, it couldn't possibly be.she was dead. He would never ever see her again. She.
"Excuse me?" the young woman asked, rather confused.
"Liahnica," he smiled, looking into her eyes once again.
They were so similar. They same emerald green. The same spark but. These eyes were Alive.
It was not her. She was an imposter, he realized. She was trying to kill him with her games; tease him with her similarity. What was this woman up to? Why was she doing this to him? Couldn't she see how hurt he was?
An imposter. She was an imposter. An imposter who just wanted to play with his feeling. An imposter who got in the way of his death tonight. An imposter who got in his way from being with his love.
She looked down at the stranger who had now suddenly stopped crying. He was looking at her intently and she could not help but heel uncomfortable under his penetrating gaze. She was beginning to realize the Odd Man was even Odder than she has expected; first driving in the wrong lane, then crashing in to her, suddenly breaking down crying.
"You're not her," he finally said, in a voice she could hardly hear.
Confusion crossed her eyes momentarily, "I am not who?"
"Stop it," he told her firmly, wiping away the last of his tears. "I am in no mood for games, woman."
"It's Maria. Not 'woman;' Maria."
"Imposter."
"I.what are you talking about?"
"Why are you doing this?" he yelled, looking at her with a spark of fear in his eyes. "Just go away," he said as he started to back away from her. "Go away! Go away! Don't come near me. Just."
"Excuse me," she interrupted, "but how the hell am I supposed to know what you're talking about? First you crash into me, practically killing me; and then you."
"God, shut up!" he yelled. "Shut up, shut up, shut up," he kept on repeating. "Leave me alone! Just leave me alone," he kept on yelling as he ran away from her.
*************
The Healer.
She hesitantly looked into the mirror, once again hoping that the girl that starred back at her was someone different. But once again, she was let down as the girl that starred back at her was the same girl that had starred back at her yesterday, it was the same girl that had starred back at her for years.
Maria sighed and closed her eyes, leaning her forehead against the cool glass of her bedroom mirror. The Mirror. He had seen it all. He had witnessed her nocturnal tears. He had seen every one of her movements and had captured every one of her actions. He was a secret spy, hiding quietly behind her bedroom door as he took in every one of her features and made them his secrets. Secrets that he was ready to spill as soon as she just looked at him.
He held no pity; for he was her truth. A truth that taunted her on a daily basis. He was a daily taunt she could not escape. He was the reality she had tried so hard to run away from. He would give her some confidence and then rip it away from her carelessly as soon as he felt like it. He had her in his grip, controlling every one of her actions. She was but a slave of his strings.
He had no mercy; for he would spell it all. He laughed at her every morning. He spoke harsh truths; truths that she did not want to hear. He had seen it all and was not discrete about it as he would reveal to her the secrets she was to afraid to see. So she tried to ignore him, but his screams would be too loud and she would not be able to run away.
So now she stood before him, unable to walk away as she starred intently at the girl trapped inside the mirror. Ugly. That's how she felt. Ugly and grotesque. She sadly starred at the reflection of her body. Once again, it was distorted. The dark bags under her eyes greeted her with their presence as they rested comfortably along her pale face. Stubborn strands of hair once again seemed to have a mind of their own as they stuck this way and that. Her face, too, seemed to have grown grotesquely large and her mouth appeared to be but a big hole taking up nothing but space in her pale face. Her lips were huge, dull, and plain ugly. Perhaps she could make them less disgusting if she added a little bit of color.perhaps she wouldn't be as ugly if she were somebody else.
She took a few steps back and turned her body slightly to the right in order to see herself better in the full length mirror. Her hips had seemed to have grown a few feet wider since yesterday. She tried to pull her shirt down a bit, hoping to cover up her distorted figure. But even the shirt seemed to have wanted to form a conspiracy against her body as it fit too tight on her now. She wasn't surprised though; according to the mirror, she always gained weight. Weight that in due time would make her look even more ugly.
Had anyone else noticed her huge size? Had they noticed that the more her hips and stomach grew the flatter her chest appeared? Had they noticed the huge mountains covering her face as she vainly attempted to treat them with Neutrogena? She sighed and covered her head with her hands as she attempted to control the tears welling up in her puny little eyes. She couldn't cry. Not now. It would make her eyes look puffy and red.
She couldn't cry.
But she lost the war, and soon she found herself looking at a blurry reflection of herself in the mirror. Tears trickled down her cheeks and her eyes grew puffy and red. Things never went the way she wanted them too. Even when she prayed with all her might to be a bit decent, she was still ugly.
Maybe that was the reason why she was now so lonely. Maybe that was the reason why she was now left behind and abandoned. They had abandoned her. All of them.
Her father had died. Her best friend, Alex had also died. Her first boyfriend had left her for another girl. He had always been in love with his high school sweetheart but had finally decided to declare his love for her before she left to college and lost her forever. She never blamed him; for he was only going after his true love. But still, she had been abandoned. Left for someone else. Perhaps if it had only been them.perhaps she wouldn't feel this way. But every single boy that had come after him had also ended up leaving her for someone or something else.
Maybe it was her fault for believing in men in the first place. How could she have believed that she would be good enough when she knew perfectly well that she was nothing? Never good enough. She was the ugly girl who everyone pitied and nobody liked. She was the fat. She was the ugly. She was the abandoned. She was Maria. the one always left behind.
.even the Odd Man from across her building. even he had quickly seen that she was nothing. Even he ran and left her behind.
Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never
clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'
right
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah
LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
**************************
The Wounded.
No mountain's too high for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith
No river's too wide for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray
And then you will see the morning will come
And every day will be bright as the sun
All of your fears cast them on me
I just want you to see
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone I'm here No matter how far you are I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel, I'm your angel
I saw your teardrops and I heard you cry
All you need is time
Seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It don't have to be this way
Let me show you a better day
And then you will see the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears just cast them on me
how can I make you see?
And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be there by your side
Grace will keep us safe and warm
And I know we will survive
And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky...
She sat quietly at the hood of the SUV that had been left deserted at the bottom of the cliff. The sound of the screeching tires, the shattering of the glass, the echoes of the pain-filled screams.they had all now faded into the midnight's silence.
She sighed. The consuming silence brought about by the darkness had always frightened her. Knowing that she was still awake even though all other creatures had long-ago fallen into unconsciousness made her feel as though she was breaking the rules that had long ago been set by nature; defying the hands of time that the sun and the moon had long ago prepared.
Still, she found that she couldn't leave this place. The sound of silence allured her as did the trees and the mountains, the cliff and the stars. They kept her in place as she found that she wouldn't be able to walk away from this place if she tried. And so she sat here, quietly; lost in her thoughts as nature seemed to watch on.
She hugged her knees and closed her eyes, letting her mind become a victim of the memories. It was different now. This time she was still sitting among the debris, watching as life spun around her. This time, her body had not been thrown out of the car. This time, she had not died.
.Or perhaps she did. Perhaps reliving the accident did kill her. Yes, she had died again tonight. She had died again just the way she had died every single morning since the accident. But tonight was different. Tonight, she died as she watched the scene unfold. She had died whilst she was sitting in the passenger seat of Michael's SUV. She died at the mere thought of never being able to be with him again. She died as she watched the scene unfold again.
She never realized it had traumatized her. She had guessed that the trauma was something Michael had carried in his shoulders. And so she stood by him time and time again, trying to help him with him wound, trying to help him with his scar. But her? She was traumatized as well. She was the wounded. And unlike Michael, she had never healed. Perhaps she didn't know she had a wound of trauma to begin with.
"Alex." she whispered, suddenly feeling his presence behind her.
"How'd you know I was here?" he smiled at her shyly.
"I can feel you," she told him truthfully.
He came toward her and climbed toward the hood of the SUV to sit beside her. "Why so sad?" he asked, wrapping his arm around her.
"Not sad."
"So you're gonna lie to me, now?" he raised his eyebrow, half-expecting her to deny it.
She gave him a tight smile and sighed. "I don't want to be sad, Alex. I really don't."
He ran his fingers through her golden strands of hair and sighed. "I know you don't, sweetie. Nobody wants to be sad. Not if we can help it," he whispered.
She leaned her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. "But it hurts, Alex. It hurts so much."
"Being in this place doesn't help, sweetie. You keep on coming back here but why? Why do you torture yourself like this?"
"I.I couldn't leave," she admitted. "Being here brings so many memories, Alex, so many." she whispered as she played with her hands, trying to keep herself from crying. ".And tonight, when I found myself going through the accident again I just .I couldn't leave. I guess I just.I don't know," she sighed, "I don't know anything no more."
"Tell me, Liahnica," Alex urged her to continue, "Tell me how it feels."
She lifted her head up and looked at him through teary eyes. "I feel guilty," she told him truthfully. "Every time he asks why I left I feel guilty.like I failed him. And that hurts. It hurts to know that you've hurt the person you most love," she sniffed, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill.
"It was not in your hands," he said softly, wiping away the lone tear that had trickled down from the pool of her emerald eyes.
"Alex, when he was in that SUV.when he was about to dive down the cliff.I knew I would never be with him again," she cried. "I knew that by him seeking his own death we would never be together again. I would lose him," she choked as her tears started to become sobs. "And that feeling.to know you'll never be with your lover again is the worst feeling in the world. I was only able to feel it for a moment before he dived down the cliff.but even in that brief moment, I felt like I died, Alex, oh god, I felt like I died. I died again."
Alex held her close and comforted her as her sobs shook through her frail body. "He loves you so much, Liahnica. And he would give anything to be with you again. You did not fail him."
".but.but I did," she insisted. "Don't you understand?" she lifted her head from his shoulder and looked into Alex's eyes. "For the first time I actually felt what he felt! I actually felt what he goes through everyday, thinking that he'll never be with the one person most loves."
"You aren't able to be with him either, Liahnica. You hurt too."
She shook her head, wiping away the tears that kept on falling from her eyes. "I may not be alive, but I can still see him. I can still feel him, Alex. And that makes a world of difference...Being able to see him helps me with my ache. But him? What heals his ache?"
"Liahnica."
"No, Alex," she insisted. "I'm not done."
Alex nodded and let her continue.
"I'm his angel but he doesn't know it. He doesn't believe in angels, he doesn't believe in God. He doesn't know I'm right by his side. He thinks he lost me forever. Everyday he lives with the sentiment that I lived with for just a few moments."
"But you live with that feeling everyday, Liahnica. You didn't live with them for just a few moments."
"But his hurt is so much bigger." she sniffed. "And I caused it all. I hurt him. It hurts me to know I hurt him. It hurts me to know he cannot feel me. It hurts me to feel hurt."
"Then stop the hurt, Liahnica. Stop it all," he whispered. "You know that the doors to heaven are still open for you, Liahnica.you won't hurt no more."
She looked at him and shook her head, wrapping her arms tighter around her body. "I can't," she whispered. "I will not leave him behind, Alex. I..I just can't. To keep him from hurting I'll turn my back on heaven time and time again, Alex. But not even like that," she cried, "not even like that I can stop him from hurting."
Alex looked at her and brought her body closer to his, hugging her tighter.
And she accepted his embraced. Welcomed the embrace that she had needed for so long and the world had refused to grant her. And so she clung on to him. She clung to him like a lifeline. And he didn't object. Instead, he kept on holding her tightly as her body rocked with sobs, kept on whispering soothing words into her ears as the sounds of her pain-filled cries echoes through the night.
Perhaps it was the fact that she had not talked to anyone in a long time. Perhaps it was the fact that she had just gone through another accident before she even got over the first one. Maybe it was the fact that her wounds were opening more internal wounds every single day. But for some reason, with heaven as her witness, and darkness as her guide, she allowed herself to cry. She allowed herself to really cry. The tears that had been hiding under the surface of her wounds for so long finally found an escape. The hurt that had been welling up inside her finally let go of its cowardice as it reacquainted itself with the feeling of being free again. And though the next morning she would most likely wake up with more ache welled up inside the chambers of her heart, tonight she just let it out.
And that's how she stayed, clung to Alex as she slowly drifted to sleep; the sleep she had denied herself since her death. How could one creature be so intent in healing the wounds of others when she, herself, perhaps had the greatest wound of them all never ceased to puzzle him. But for tonight, he allowed himself to be her healer, be the healer that she didn't knew she needed; be the healer that will help her heal her wounds with something other than pain. Tonight, he would be her comfort as she slept. Tonight he would be an angel's angel. Tomorrow.tomorrow would be another day.