Wisp

Chapter 08

"If you ask me one more time how I'm feeling, I'll fucking smack you," Roger grumbled, glaring at Mark from his hospital bed.

Mark shrugged. "Sorry. I'm just worried."

"Don't. I hate it when people are worried. For the last time, I feel like shit, but what's new?"

Mark glanced down at his folded hands, uncertain of what to say. Roger was stabilized. He'd had pneumonia and probably would have died if Maureen and Joanne hadn't forced him to go to the hospital. Mark felt guilty. It was usually his job to take care of Roger. But he'd been so busy taking care of Winnie lately…

"Talk to me, Mark. I'm so sick of everything revolving around medicine and disease and hospitals," Roger spat. "Tell me what you've been up to. You don't visit as much as you usually do."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad. Where have you been? What have you been doing?"

Mark shrugged. "I dunno. Taking care of Winnie, mostly."

Roger nodded, rolling his eyes playfully. "Ah, Winnie. I hear from Maureen that you're sleeping together."

"It's not like that!" Mark protested.

"Sure, sure."

Mark explained, "I mean, yes we do sleep together. But that's all we do: sleep. She gets scared being alone at night."

"Little Marky hasn't tried anything yet?"

Mark shook his head. "Too scared. She'll probably reject me. Most girls do."

"Maureen didn't." Mark shot Roger a look. "Well, for awhile she didn't. I mean the only reason she left you was because she didn't like men anymore. So it might not have been you, per se. It was just your genitals."

Mark snorted. "Don't be crude. The nurses could hear you."

Roger grinned. "You look at her funny. Like you respect her, but still want to fuck her brains out at any chance you could get."

"Roger-"

"Admit it!"

"Fine…" Mark sighed. "I like her a lot. She means a lot to me. She depends on me. I mean, you sort of did for a while, but then you and Mimi had each other to lean on and I was just watching from the sidelines again. Now I have someone to lean against."

It was true. Mark leaned on her just as much as she leaned on him. She comforted him and dried his tears as he calmed her shivers and warmed her shaking fingers. He took her for walks in the park; she gave him a subject to photograph and film. He nearly had a whole photo album of just pictures of her. Winnie at sunset, Winnie at sunrise, Winnie in the park, Winnie in her bed, Winnie on the couch, Winnie cooking dinner, Winnie at the Life Café, Winnie at the beach.

His favorite was a picture he'd taken on the Staten Island ferry. The sun was beginning to set, the reddish light perfectly lighting up her red hair. She was leaning over the railing, but had turned back to look at him and was smiling broadly. The corners of her eyes crinkled, her dimples prominent, her green eyes sparkling with happiness. It was one of the only times she had truly smiled like that and Mark was so glad that he'd caught it on film.

He hadn't shown it to her yet. He was going to frame it and give it to her for Valentine's Day.

"Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"I miss Mimi."

"We all do."

"Not as much as me."

Mark sat on the edge of Roger's bed and grabbed his hand, squeezing it lightly. "I know you do, Rog. But you can't give up."

"Did I say I was giving up?"

"Well, it just sounded like it."

Roger yanked his hand out of Roger's grasp. "Have some faith, man. Hey, I need some rest. Go fuck your little girlfriend."

"She's not my-"

"Bye Mark." Roger gave him a shove towards the door. "Thanks for visiting."

"Hey, no prob."

"Good luck, stud." Roger winked.

Mark couldn't help but blush.

*          *          *

"I love sunsets," Winnie murmured, gazing out over the lake. The water sparkled with red light like rubies, and the air was alive with all the beautiful colors of a sunset.

Mark agreed, "I do too."

"What did you and Roger talk about today?"

"Well, you, actually."

Winnie turned to him, eyebrows raised. "Oh really? Good things I hope."

"Of course."

She smiled cheekily. "What specifically?"

Mark shrugged. "Oh, um, nothing big."

"So I'm just nothing big?"

"Well, taken literally, you are."

Winnie playfully shoved him. "You know what I mean. I want to know what you say about me when I'm not around."

"Well," Mark began, "Roger wants us to fuck and get it over with. And those are Roger's words, not mine. Just for the record."

Winnie laughed and lay back on the grass, looking up at the sky. "Roger's got an overactive imagination."

Mark lay back next to her. "And what is so overactive about it?"

"Well, he's imagining us having sex, for one. He's also imagining that I would have sex just to get it over with. I'd never do that."

"Morals?"

"Fear."

"Ah."

Winnie propped herself up on one elbow and smiled at Mark, her eyes sparkling mischievously. "How long's it been?"

Mark turned towards her, his head shaking in mock disgust. "You sick, dirty person. Well, let's see… Maureen dumped me in November of '95. And it's February of '98. So, two years and three months."

"Geez, no wonder you're so sexually repressed."

"Is it that obvious?"

"As obvious as you are blond."

Mark laughed. "Well, what about you? As if you're not sexually repressed."

Winnie shrugged. "I never said I wasn't."

"Have you ever?"

Winnie shook her head. "I told you I've never been kissed before. You think I fucked a guy but wouldn't let him kiss me? Nah, I was a nerd not a heartbreaker."

"You could be both. It makes it all the more pathetic, but possible."

"I know the type." Winnie giggled and began absently-mindedly braiding a small strand of her hair.

"I always liked nerds."

Winnie agreed. "As have I."

Mark leaned in closer to her, combing his fingers through her long hair. "Is Roger's imagination really that overactive?"

Winnie, startled by the serious look in his eyes, stuttered, "I don't know…"

"Winnie, would you mind if I kissed you?"

Their faces were so close that they could feel each other's breath. Winnie began trembling again. "No. Yes." She said quickly, pulling herself away from him.

Mark sighed and leaned back on his elbows. "Well, which is it?"

Winnie said quietly, "Yes because I want to, no because I can't."

"You can't?"

"Well, I was really happy the way things were between us. I was close to you, but not too close. I wasn't attached. We weren't official. We were just friends that protected each other. Louis always told me not to get attached." Winnie was shivering wildly. She suddenly realized how cold it was.

Mark had had enough. "Winnie, your brother's dead. He was obviously an idiot. How can you live your life like that? Not getting attached, not letting anyone see you cry. How do you think you'll ever be happy? And if you tell me that you are happy, I know you're lying. I mean truly happy. Like so happy that your heart feels like bursting, so happy that your head feels light, that you feel like you're floating."

Winnie's face crumpled. She curled herself up in a little ball and began rocking back and forth. She'd always listened to her brother. He'd been her rock when there was no one else. And then he left her. He left her no consolation, no note, no words of encouragement for the future. He hadn't cared about her. She'd loved him so much and then he abandons her.

She'd broken his rules. Never love anyone, but God, did she love him… He was more than a brother to her. He was a mother, a father, a best friend, a god. But he'd viewed her as just another person in the way to true happiness: nothingness.

Everything was so pent up inside of her. She had to scream. She had to beat someone senseless. She had to cry, she had to shout, she had to let it all out. "I hate him! I hate you!" She screamed as loudly as possible. "Stop it, stop…" She began to sob.

Mark was startled by her outburst. He reached out to gather her in a hug, but she pushed him away. "Winnie, I'm sorry."

"Don't touch me!" She hissed. "I hate you. I hate everything."

"Winnie, I didn't mean-"

"Shut up!" She began sobbing harder, pressing her nose against her knee so hard. "He abandoned me…" She said, a bit sobered. "He left me alone. He knew I wasn't as brave as he was, but he still left me."

Mark reached out a hand, lightly touching her shoulder. She stiffened at first, but didn't push him away. "Winnie, I don't think he was brave at all. He couldn't hack it. You can. You're still here aren't you?"

"Only because you and Maureen intervened," Winnie hiccupped. Still crying, she lifted her face up to look at him. "I still tried."

"But you haven't tried since."

"I'm not allowed near sharp objects."

"If you tried hard enough, you could find something sharp enough. I think you're strong enough to know that it's the stupidest thing you could ever do."

Winnie collapsed against him, sobbing against his chest. "I'm so stupid, Mark…I don't really hate you. I'm so sorry, Mark. God, I'm so stupid…"

Mark wrapped his arms around her tight. "No, you're not. You're angry. You have a right to express your feelings. At that moment, you hated me because I was blunt and told you that your precious brother was not as godlike as you thought. That's some messed up shit he told you."

"I know that now," Winnie murmured. "Mark, I want to go back home."

"To the loft? Sure."

"No," Winnie wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her jacket. "Home, home. To Gloucester. I want to go to his grave. I need to see it and make my final peace. I want to visit my mother. I want to put my fears behind me and stop living life in fear. Would you take me?"

Mark readily agreed. "Of course."

Winnie had stopped crying but didn't pull out of Mark's embrace immediately. When she did, she didn't move away. She pressed her face up close to his and whispered, "Mark, will you kiss me? I'm not afraid anymore."

Mark inched his face even closer. "Are you sure?"

Winnie nodded.

Mark slowly pressed his lips against her. They tasted so sweet, her lips did. Like cinnamon.

It was a sweet innocent kiss, not the most passionate that Mark had engaged in, but that was their relationship to this point. Completely innocent and sweet.

But after they'd pulled apart, Mark ached to kiss her again. He did so, but deeper and more passionate this time. His heart fluttered and swelled.

Winnie had never felt so happy. Her first kiss and it was with a wonderful, sweet, intelligent, compassionate guy. Her head felt light, she felt as if she were flying. She recalled what Mark had said before about being truly happy and relaxed everywhere. She melted into him, her lips pressed firmly against his, their mouths open and searching, probing, frantically almost.

She shivered as his hands ran down her sides, resting on the small of her back, pulling her into his lap. She ran her gloved fingers through his hair, messing it up further, but neither of them cared at the moment.

Slowly, reluctantly, they pulled apart, a bit more flushed and out of breath than they'd been before.

"Do you know that I love you?" Mark whispered, planting a kiss on her button nose.

Winnie nodded, leaning her forehead up against his, closing her eyes. "I do. I… I love you too. I love you, Mark Cohen. You're the first person I've ever really loved. I never want to live without you."

"You won't have to."

Winnie opened her eyes and kissed his nose playfully. "Mark, let's go back to the loft."

"Are you cold?"

"In a way, yes."

"What do you mean 'in a way'?"

Winnie smiled shyly. "Let's go home, Mark. The sun's already down. It's going to get dark."