Greetings! My mission is to show to you what would happen if everyone had taken complete leave of their senses like Lews Therin.
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What are you waiting for? Why aren't you reading my story?
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You're waiting for something? Like what? Oh, all right! Here's the bloody thing!
Disclaimer: Every character here is the creation of Robert Jordan, the insanely brilliant author of the Wheel of Time. I am only using them for my own sick amusement. The only creations that belong to me in this story are the pink bunny slippers and robe and the Dragon stuffed animal. And the plot of course belongs to me, whatever plot exists in this freak of nature. Umm.... yeah. Happy reading!
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Chapter 1 - A Terrifying Secret
written by She Who Walks the Night (formerly Snow Fox)
*~*~*~*
The idiotic wool-headed lecher... um, sorry..... I mean, the Dragon Reborn, the hope of the world,--
***
A/N: The Light have mercy.
***
--is lounging around the Sun Palace, trying to decide which of the Forsaken he wanted to kill next.
An extremely insane, annoying voice in Rand's head asks for the 983,530,128,867,698th time, "Can we die yet?"
***
A/N: Isn't he smart? I think he's smarter than the pig-kissing, wool-headed, um.... oops.... I mean, Rand. .'.
***
And for the 983,530,128,867,698th time, Rand answers, "No, Lews Therin, we CANNOT die yet!"
Lews Therin persists, "Please?"
"NO!"
"Please! I want to be with my Ilyena. NO, IIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"
Rand is temporarily seized by Lews Therin's piteous insanity.
***
A/N: And that doesn't mean that Rand isn't harboring some sort of insanity already.
***
"EEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYNNNNNNEEEEEE!!!! MMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!! AAAAAAAVVVVVVIIIIIIIIEEEEEENNNNNNNDDDDDDDDHHHHHHHAAAAA!!!!" He quits screaming, then starts muttering, "I'm a lecher! I have too many girlfriends! A Queen Aes Sedai who is a complete fluff-brain, a Maiden of the Spear-Wise One who is too violent, and a horse-loving knife woman who is a crossdresser! What have I gotten myself into??!! NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"
The woolhead--
***
A/N: No, I am not going to apologize for that! He is a woolhead! And don't look at me like that!
***
--starts to weep uncontrollably. "I'm getting myself out of this now," Rand declares. He seizes saidin and weaves a gateway to Shayol Ghul. "Hey, Shai'tan!
***
A/N: *looks around nervously* I really didn't want to say or write Heartfang's name, but it's the best way to get the Dark One's attention, though I'm not sure that's a good thing. o.o'
***
"Kill me!" the woolhead screams out.
The Dark One looks up from a stones game he is playing with Moridin. "Ah, Lews, you're here! Ishy, excuse me for a moment." The Shepherd of the Night rises from his floating purple beanbag chair and approaches Rand. "What can I do for you, Lews? Are you ready to join me finally?"
"No, I'm not ready to join, and I am not Lews! I'm Rand al'Thor! Now, kill me, please!" Rand yells.
"No!" screams the Dark One, shocked. "You're going to be my pet!"
"Whaaaa?!" Rand whines, completely confused.
"No, really, it's prophecy!" the Old Grim claims.
"Prove it!" Rand challenges.
"Mesaana, bring me the Prophecies of the Dragon!" the Dark One commands.
A gateway appears out of nowhere, and Mesaana steps out, carrying a huge book with flows of Air. And I mean this book is HUGE. It's at least two feet thick. Try carrying that to school. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *coughs* I'm sorry.
The Lord of the Grave takes it from his Chosen. "Thank you, Mesaana. You may go now, but come back later. I just rented Austin Powers in Goldmember, and I know you want to see it."
***
A/N: I haven't seen it, either, though I don't really want to see it.
***
"Ooooh!" Mesaana squeels. "I'll be back later, Great Lord, don't worry!"
"Hey, Mesaana, come here for a moment," Moridin calls to the lady Forsaken.
"What?" Mesaana says, walking to where the reincarnated Betrayer of Hope is sitting in his levitating yellow beanbag chair.
Moridin leans close to whisper so that the Dragon Reborn won't hear. "al'Thor is here, so let's go torture one of his girlfriends. Say, the one that looks like Ilyena?"
Mesaana nods. "Okay, but let's get Semirhage. She's the best when it comes to torture."
Moridin agrees, so Mesaana weaves a gateway. The two Chosen leave to find the Mistress of Pain and Torture.
***
A/N: I think "Mistress of Pain and Torture" sounds like a good title for Semirhage, don't you?
***
"Oooooookay," the Dark One says. "Oh, yes! You were wanting proof that you are supposed to be my pet?"
"Yeah," Rand says, nervously eyeing the extremely thick book the Dark One is holding in one hand.
"Let's see," the Dark One mumbles, flipping through the book. "Callandor, conquering, Dragonmount, Far Dareis Mai..." This goes on for one hour, twelve minutes, and four seconds. "Ah-ha! Here it is!" Leafblighter announces triumphantly. He pushes the book under Rand's nose. "Here, page 12,764,243! Read it!"
The all-pathetic woolhead has fallen asleep on his feet, and he falls over when the Dark One speaks again. "Huh, what? Oh, right." Rand takes the book, and reads with much difficulty. "Th-th-the D-Da-Dark W-W-One maaa-maks-makes the D-D-D-Dra-Drag-Dragon Re-Re-Reb-Reborn h-his p-p-p-pet." He blinks, forgetting what he had read because it took him forty-two minutes and twenty three seconds to read one sentence. He starts over. "Th-the D--"
"For the love of the Shadow!" the Dark One roars. "It says 'The Dark One makes the Dragon Reborn his pet', you woolhead!"
Rand nods. "It's one of my official titles. Rand al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn, Lord of the Morning, Prince of the Dawn, All-Pathetic Woolhead...... um, what were we talking about again?"
The Dark One screams in frustration. "You're going to be my pet, you idiotic, snot-nosed, pig-spawned, witless, flea-ridden, worthless vermin!"
"Wow," is all Rand can say.
"So, you're going to be my pet, right?" the Dark One asks.
"I guess. I don't have any choice, since it's in the Prophecies," Rand answers.
"Yippee!" the Dark One whoops. He picks up Rand in a bear hug and starts squeezing him. "I'm gonna love you and hug you and squeeze you and take care of you forever and ever and...." He goes silent when he notices that Rand has stopped breathing. "Oh, burn you!" Frustrated, he tosses Rand's body into the Pit of Doom.
Rand wakes up in the middle of the fall because of Lews Therin's screaming.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lews Therin shrieks. "Maybe I don't want to die after all!"
"Too late," Rand says. He splats into the fiery lake of boiling lava. He is crispy within 3 nanoseconds, ashes within 5 nanoseconds, and completely incinerated in 8 nanoseconds. In short, he is as dead as a doornail.
The Dark One is bored, as all evil people get bored after they do something that will completely ruin everything for someone. "I'm bored!" he whines. He gets an idea. "Aran'gar, come here!" he calls out.
A gateway appears out of nowhere, and Aran'gar steps out. "I hope this is important. I was in the middle of picking out some new mascara with Cyndane," he/she/it gripes.
The Great Lord of the Dark arches an eyebrow.
"Great Lord," Aran'gar adds, very belatedly.
"That's better. Now then, all I can say is that you're pretty and I'm bored," Dark One explains, a perverted grin spreading over his face.
"Oh, no," Aran'gar says, comprehension crossing his/her/its face, his/her/its emerald eyes going wide.
"Yes!" the Dark One yells at the Chosen.
"No!" Aran'gar screams back at the Dark Lord.
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
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"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
***
A/N: They'll be arguing for a while. You may just want to use the "Page Down" button.
***
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"SHUT UP!!!" someone yells.
The Dark One and Aran'gar turn to find the Creator standing there in a pink-bunny embroidered robe. He stamps one pink-bunny slipper covered foot. "You already killed my Dragon!" he screams at his nemesis and the lady Forsaken. "Now shut up and let me sleep in peace! For the love of the Light!" He stomps away, hugging his Dragon stuffed animal.
"That was strange," Aran'gar comments.
"Stupid crabby old coot!" the Dark One grumbles. "Who does he think he is, the Creator?"
"He is the Creator," Aran'gar informs his/her/its master.
The Dark One blinks. "I knew that," he says.
"Riiiiiiight," Aran'gar says, rolling his/her/its eyes.
"I did!" the Dark One repeats loudly, furious that he is not believed.
"I believe you......." Aran'gar says, sarcastically.
"Grrrr," the Dark One growls. "I hate you!"
"You hate me?!" Aran'gar repeats shrilly, outraged. "I should hate you! You let me get killed, then you decide to reincarnate me, but you put me in a woman's body!??? You are so flaming stupid!"
The Dark One blinks again. "Is that what I did? Osan'gar does seem a bit strange. I knew I should have gotten my glasses before putting you two in those bodies."
Aran'gar rolls his/her/its eyes. "I hate you."
"I hate you, too," the Dark One answers, glaring at her.
"Good. Can I go now?" Aran'gar asks irritably.
"No." The Dark One picks up Aran'gar and tosses him/her/it over his shoulder.
Aran'gar screams, trying to kick, punch, and bite him.
The Dark One tosses him/her/it into the Pit of Doom, watching while he/she/it screams and burns in the fiery lake. He giggles.
***
A/N: Scratch that. I don't think Soulblinder giggles, even though it would be quite humourous.
***
He laughs evilly. "That was fun!" he giggles. "Now where's Osan'gar? He's the other thing I need to dispose of...."
He thinks for a moment. "Oh, whoops, that's right, one of my Black Ajah destroyed him already. Never mind..."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Guess what! I am not going to tell you anymore. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I am evil! The next one should be interesting..... Yes, there is a next one! Read and review, or I won't let you see it! Tell me what you think of this one. Is it good, bad, brilliant, crappy, insane, what? If you want to flame, please do. I need a good laugh once in a while. But if you must cuss me, at least do it WoT style. I do love creativity in people. You like creativity, yes? R/R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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...
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...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
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What are you waiting for? Why aren't you reading my story?
?
??
???
????
?????
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
You're waiting for something? Like what? Oh, all right! Here's the bloody thing!
Disclaimer: Every character here is the creation of Robert Jordan, the insanely brilliant author of the Wheel of Time. I am only using them for my own sick amusement. The only creations that belong to me in this story are the pink bunny slippers and robe and the Dragon stuffed animal. And the plot of course belongs to me, whatever plot exists in this freak of nature. Umm.... yeah. Happy reading!
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter 1 - A Terrifying Secret
written by She Who Walks the Night (formerly Snow Fox)
*~*~*~*
The idiotic wool-headed lecher... um, sorry..... I mean, the Dragon Reborn, the hope of the world,--
***
A/N: The Light have mercy.
***
--is lounging around the Sun Palace, trying to decide which of the Forsaken he wanted to kill next.
An extremely insane, annoying voice in Rand's head asks for the 983,530,128,867,698th time, "Can we die yet?"
***
A/N: Isn't he smart? I think he's smarter than the pig-kissing, wool-headed, um.... oops.... I mean, Rand. .'.
***
And for the 983,530,128,867,698th time, Rand answers, "No, Lews Therin, we CANNOT die yet!"
Lews Therin persists, "Please?"
"NO!"
"Please! I want to be with my Ilyena. NO, IIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"
Rand is temporarily seized by Lews Therin's piteous insanity.
***
A/N: And that doesn't mean that Rand isn't harboring some sort of insanity already.
***
"EEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYNNNNNNEEEEEE!!!! MMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!! AAAAAAAVVVVVVIIIIIIIIEEEEEENNNNNNNDDDDDDDDHHHHHHHAAAAA!!!!" He quits screaming, then starts muttering, "I'm a lecher! I have too many girlfriends! A Queen Aes Sedai who is a complete fluff-brain, a Maiden of the Spear-Wise One who is too violent, and a horse-loving knife woman who is a crossdresser! What have I gotten myself into??!! NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"
The woolhead--
***
A/N: No, I am not going to apologize for that! He is a woolhead! And don't look at me like that!
***
--starts to weep uncontrollably. "I'm getting myself out of this now," Rand declares. He seizes saidin and weaves a gateway to Shayol Ghul. "Hey, Shai'tan!
***
A/N: *looks around nervously* I really didn't want to say or write Heartfang's name, but it's the best way to get the Dark One's attention, though I'm not sure that's a good thing. o.o'
***
"Kill me!" the woolhead screams out.
The Dark One looks up from a stones game he is playing with Moridin. "Ah, Lews, you're here! Ishy, excuse me for a moment." The Shepherd of the Night rises from his floating purple beanbag chair and approaches Rand. "What can I do for you, Lews? Are you ready to join me finally?"
"No, I'm not ready to join, and I am not Lews! I'm Rand al'Thor! Now, kill me, please!" Rand yells.
"No!" screams the Dark One, shocked. "You're going to be my pet!"
"Whaaaa?!" Rand whines, completely confused.
"No, really, it's prophecy!" the Old Grim claims.
"Prove it!" Rand challenges.
"Mesaana, bring me the Prophecies of the Dragon!" the Dark One commands.
A gateway appears out of nowhere, and Mesaana steps out, carrying a huge book with flows of Air. And I mean this book is HUGE. It's at least two feet thick. Try carrying that to school. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *coughs* I'm sorry.
The Lord of the Grave takes it from his Chosen. "Thank you, Mesaana. You may go now, but come back later. I just rented Austin Powers in Goldmember, and I know you want to see it."
***
A/N: I haven't seen it, either, though I don't really want to see it.
***
"Ooooh!" Mesaana squeels. "I'll be back later, Great Lord, don't worry!"
"Hey, Mesaana, come here for a moment," Moridin calls to the lady Forsaken.
"What?" Mesaana says, walking to where the reincarnated Betrayer of Hope is sitting in his levitating yellow beanbag chair.
Moridin leans close to whisper so that the Dragon Reborn won't hear. "al'Thor is here, so let's go torture one of his girlfriends. Say, the one that looks like Ilyena?"
Mesaana nods. "Okay, but let's get Semirhage. She's the best when it comes to torture."
Moridin agrees, so Mesaana weaves a gateway. The two Chosen leave to find the Mistress of Pain and Torture.
***
A/N: I think "Mistress of Pain and Torture" sounds like a good title for Semirhage, don't you?
***
"Oooooookay," the Dark One says. "Oh, yes! You were wanting proof that you are supposed to be my pet?"
"Yeah," Rand says, nervously eyeing the extremely thick book the Dark One is holding in one hand.
"Let's see," the Dark One mumbles, flipping through the book. "Callandor, conquering, Dragonmount, Far Dareis Mai..." This goes on for one hour, twelve minutes, and four seconds. "Ah-ha! Here it is!" Leafblighter announces triumphantly. He pushes the book under Rand's nose. "Here, page 12,764,243! Read it!"
The all-pathetic woolhead has fallen asleep on his feet, and he falls over when the Dark One speaks again. "Huh, what? Oh, right." Rand takes the book, and reads with much difficulty. "Th-th-the D-Da-Dark W-W-One maaa-maks-makes the D-D-D-Dra-Drag-Dragon Re-Re-Reb-Reborn h-his p-p-p-pet." He blinks, forgetting what he had read because it took him forty-two minutes and twenty three seconds to read one sentence. He starts over. "Th-the D--"
"For the love of the Shadow!" the Dark One roars. "It says 'The Dark One makes the Dragon Reborn his pet', you woolhead!"
Rand nods. "It's one of my official titles. Rand al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn, Lord of the Morning, Prince of the Dawn, All-Pathetic Woolhead...... um, what were we talking about again?"
The Dark One screams in frustration. "You're going to be my pet, you idiotic, snot-nosed, pig-spawned, witless, flea-ridden, worthless vermin!"
"Wow," is all Rand can say.
"So, you're going to be my pet, right?" the Dark One asks.
"I guess. I don't have any choice, since it's in the Prophecies," Rand answers.
"Yippee!" the Dark One whoops. He picks up Rand in a bear hug and starts squeezing him. "I'm gonna love you and hug you and squeeze you and take care of you forever and ever and...." He goes silent when he notices that Rand has stopped breathing. "Oh, burn you!" Frustrated, he tosses Rand's body into the Pit of Doom.
Rand wakes up in the middle of the fall because of Lews Therin's screaming.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lews Therin shrieks. "Maybe I don't want to die after all!"
"Too late," Rand says. He splats into the fiery lake of boiling lava. He is crispy within 3 nanoseconds, ashes within 5 nanoseconds, and completely incinerated in 8 nanoseconds. In short, he is as dead as a doornail.
The Dark One is bored, as all evil people get bored after they do something that will completely ruin everything for someone. "I'm bored!" he whines. He gets an idea. "Aran'gar, come here!" he calls out.
A gateway appears out of nowhere, and Aran'gar steps out. "I hope this is important. I was in the middle of picking out some new mascara with Cyndane," he/she/it gripes.
The Great Lord of the Dark arches an eyebrow.
"Great Lord," Aran'gar adds, very belatedly.
"That's better. Now then, all I can say is that you're pretty and I'm bored," Dark One explains, a perverted grin spreading over his face.
"Oh, no," Aran'gar says, comprehension crossing his/her/its face, his/her/its emerald eyes going wide.
"Yes!" the Dark One yells at the Chosen.
"No!" Aran'gar screams back at the Dark Lord.
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
***
A/N: They'll be arguing for a while. You may just want to use the "Page Down" button.
***
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"SHUT UP!!!" someone yells.
The Dark One and Aran'gar turn to find the Creator standing there in a pink-bunny embroidered robe. He stamps one pink-bunny slipper covered foot. "You already killed my Dragon!" he screams at his nemesis and the lady Forsaken. "Now shut up and let me sleep in peace! For the love of the Light!" He stomps away, hugging his Dragon stuffed animal.
"That was strange," Aran'gar comments.
"Stupid crabby old coot!" the Dark One grumbles. "Who does he think he is, the Creator?"
"He is the Creator," Aran'gar informs his/her/its master.
The Dark One blinks. "I knew that," he says.
"Riiiiiiight," Aran'gar says, rolling his/her/its eyes.
"I did!" the Dark One repeats loudly, furious that he is not believed.
"I believe you......." Aran'gar says, sarcastically.
"Grrrr," the Dark One growls. "I hate you!"
"You hate me?!" Aran'gar repeats shrilly, outraged. "I should hate you! You let me get killed, then you decide to reincarnate me, but you put me in a woman's body!??? You are so flaming stupid!"
The Dark One blinks again. "Is that what I did? Osan'gar does seem a bit strange. I knew I should have gotten my glasses before putting you two in those bodies."
Aran'gar rolls his/her/its eyes. "I hate you."
"I hate you, too," the Dark One answers, glaring at her.
"Good. Can I go now?" Aran'gar asks irritably.
"No." The Dark One picks up Aran'gar and tosses him/her/it over his shoulder.
Aran'gar screams, trying to kick, punch, and bite him.
The Dark One tosses him/her/it into the Pit of Doom, watching while he/she/it screams and burns in the fiery lake. He giggles.
***
A/N: Scratch that. I don't think Soulblinder giggles, even though it would be quite humourous.
***
He laughs evilly. "That was fun!" he giggles. "Now where's Osan'gar? He's the other thing I need to dispose of...."
He thinks for a moment. "Oh, whoops, that's right, one of my Black Ajah destroyed him already. Never mind..."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Guess what! I am not going to tell you anymore. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I am evil! The next one should be interesting..... Yes, there is a next one! Read and review, or I won't let you see it! Tell me what you think of this one. Is it good, bad, brilliant, crappy, insane, what? If you want to flame, please do. I need a good laugh once in a while. But if you must cuss me, at least do it WoT style. I do love creativity in people. You like creativity, yes? R/R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!