Title: Do What You Have to Do
Author: Starsearcher
E-Mail: Starsearcher519@hotmail.com
Rating: PG (some mild swearing)
Category: Romance, Angst [death of character]
Codes: A/S
Summary: Hoshi visits the grave of a lost friend.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all. I own nothing, not even the clothes on my back. Don't sue me! (unless you want my lint collection, which is rather extensive by the way, and quite the find really…I'd be willing to trade for, oh say, 10 bars of gold? No? All right, I'll be generous, 5? But really…I digress….on with the fanfic!)
***A/N: My first A/S fic, so any comments are welcome. The song I use is called "Do What You Have to Do", by Sarah McLachlan.
Hoshi's POV:
Glowing ember, burning hot, burning slow..
Deep within, I'm shaken by the violence of existing
For only you.
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do
And I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
Hi.
I know, I know, it's been a while since I've been here. And you know, I have about a million reasons and excuses why, but none of them matters. It has been a while, and I'm sorry. I just couldn't believe time passed by so quickly.
Ok, not really the place I wanted to start, but I realized last night that I needed to talk to you again. I took the earliest shuttle here this morning. It took me a while to find this place; somehow the world seemed so much bigger this time. Or maybe I just haven't grown.
And no, that was not meant as a joke about my height. Really. Okay fine, you can laugh a little, I guess. Oh all right, a lot.
But all joking aside, I just thought that I should see you in person. Well…not really in person, but, you know what I mean. I wanted to tell you everything that's happened, but I don't think that that's even possible. Maybe I'll just start talking and we'll let it run its own course.
Where do I start?
This year's been crazy. I know the past ten years were crazier, but this one has topped them all.
Malcolm got married, can you believe it? I know; stiff, proper, stern Malcolm got married, and you know the thing is, I think he was always a bit of a shy romantic at heart. I was at their wedding a few weeks back. He looked so happy for it. His wife's name is Cassandra, and she's beautiful, so beautiful…but I heard Malcolm tell Travis that she's a real spitfire. Battled through the war. She's really amazing, and perfect for him.
Travis? He's been doing well. Did you know he's now a captain? Just like his hero. He and Emily are so happy together. Yes, Emily, the shy ensign who is now a tough commander and his first officer. They're expecting their first this summer.
They're naming him after you.
Ok, I promised myself I wouldn't cry. And I won't. I've gotten stronger that way.
Where was I?
Oh, Travis. Yeah, he's still crazy as ever. At Malcolm's wedding, he made the flower girls throw pineapple down the aisle instead of flowers. God you should have seen it. Cassie was about to commit murder on the spot, and Trip, well, he tripped over the pineapples and landed face down into the mush. The look on his face was priceless. Actually, I should restate that. The look on T'Pol's face when she saw him at her feet covered in pineapple juice was priceless.
She's doing well too. Part of the Vulcan High Command. She's doing amazing things there, and I think she's become more like us than she would admit. I've heard from some sources that she hired a cook to make her homemade pecan pie, though that might be somewhat exaggerated. Trip is still laughing about it, with that smug and proud look on his face.
Speaking of Trip... I'm worried about him. He hasn't married yet, and I don't he really wants to anymore. I remember a time where all he wanted was to get married and make babies in the south, with his mom making pan fried catfish for them all. That, and of course his beloved pecan pie. He always wanted a home. He told me that once; he told you that too. Now? Now he seems…well, for lack of a better word, lost. He acts as if he doesn't know where he belongs anymore. He turned down his promotion to Admiral, and he refuses to set foot on a starship ever again.
You wouldn't like to see him like this. I know I don't. He's become quieter, more serious, and I suppose time will do that to a person, but this is something more. I hope you'll keep a close eye on him.
He misses you.
We all do.
It's so cliched but true. But the thing is, everyone else seems to be moving on.
Everyone but me.
Time seems to have gone on without you, and I'm still stuck here. I've tried to get on with it all. I took up the post as head of the university, but even that doesn't interest me anymore. I know you're probably saying to yourself, "what, my Hoshi doesn't love her languages anymore?". But that's just it.
It's been so long since you've called me 'your Hoshi'.
Dammit, now you've made me cry.
I know that we both made choices in our lives. Choices that neither of us wanted to make, but choices that were forced upon us anyway. You chose my love.
I chose your career.
And no, it wasn't like that. It wasn't about me. You were the one who was going to do great things, the one who could bring the worlds together in peace and security. I couldn't have you risk any of that for me. I could let you throw that chance away for my love.
But I did love you, Jon. I still do. And while I keep telling myself that I did the right thing, that I made all the right calls in ending it, I never managed to convince myself of that. Because I didn't want it. I'm so sorry I forced you away.
Damn you. Why the hell did you want to be with me? Why didn't you just leave me then and never tried to look back? Why did you have to tell me you loved me, use that pleading tone when you asked me to love you back?
Why couldn't you have just left me alone?
I'm sorry. This wasn't supposed to be some tirade against you. It's my fault entirely. We made choices, Jon, and that's that.
But I can't help missing you. You weren't supposed to die.
The other day, I was visiting one of the elementary schools in the area. The children, oh God, they were learning about you, Jon. They were learning about our adventures together, about how Trip was the greatest engineer, and Travis the best pilot, and how you, you were the best captain there ever was. They asked me for my autograph, because I was a part of that crew. Because I knew the first, greatest captain in history.
How could I say no, Jon? How? How could I turn their eager faces away, their wide-eyed admiration for you shining so clearly? I couldn't. But I couldn't stop crying either.
I can't believe it's been over a decade since everything happened…I feel sick, Jon. Sick and tired. I sometimes just want to go to sleep, and I dream that I'm in your arms again. That nothing else mattered. That you weren't taken by the harsh realities of this world.
Don't be angry with me. I remember what you told me, and I won't break my promise to you. I'll keep fighting, even if it kills me to see another sunrise without you.
I think I have to go now. The driver's getting a bit annoyed. I'll be back soon, I promise.
Jon?
I love you. I won't ever stop.
And I have a sense to recognize,
But I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
The End
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