Midgar High School!!!!
*NOTE!!!!*: This was co-written by my friend "Splat-Spider" *Who is just as insane as I am, if not, more so! Heh, Heh!!*
Splat-Spider: *Indignant* Hey!! You're evil!!!! EVIL!!!
Gaian Skylord: I'm not evil! *Dons innocent Legolas look* I'm misunderstood!!
Splat-Spider: *Not deceived by innocent look* SURE! That's what you WANT me to think!
Gaian Skylord: Damn. . .. You've seen through my master plan! *Exchanges innocent Legolas look for that of an idiotic criminal mastermind*
Splat-Spider: *Not impressed* I can do better in my sleep! SEE!
*Does evil corky smile which has been outlawed in several states in the U.S.A and five provinces in Canada*
Gaian Skylord: *Shields eyes* AAAHHH!!! ILLEGALNESS!!!!!!
*Runs from room with face as nearly as contorted as Splat-Spider's*
*****************************
3rd-Chapter-Disclaimer-Whatsit: I DO NOT OWN FF7, LORD OF THE RINGS, THE CHARACTERS OR SQUARESOFT!! ALRIGHT???!!! TRY AND SUE ME AND I'LL SICK MY RABID MIDGAR ZOLUM ON YOU!!!
Squaresoftian Lawyers: *Flips through various legal documents* Well. technically speaking, you aren't supp-
Gaian Skylord: *Rolls eyes* -Yeah, yeah. . .. I know. . . I can't have an evil creature from FF7 as a pet but, *Pets the giant serpent's tail lovingly* he's just soooo damn adorable!
*Lawyers watch on in horrid fascination as the (slightly) deranged author of this mindless piece of chocobo manure coos over the large monster, who in turn, makes a rather cat-like purring sound (well. as good a cat-like purring sound as any full grown snake creatures can make, anyway)*
Gaian Skylord *To M.Z*: I wuv you, Fifi! Yes, I do! You cute little man- eating, poisonous snake, you!!
Fifi: *Purring contently* ....sssSSSsss...
Lawyers: ......?! *Giving each other rather terrifying odd looks, then remembering their jobs.* (AHEM!?) This display of...uh.... Illegalness. gives us perfect ground for court action against you and OUR big, fat cobra monster-
Gaian Skylord: *Angry as Hell and getting defensive* -What did you say!!!???
Lawyers: ...Umm.... nothing....-
Gaian Skylord: -WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!??? IF YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN I'LL DISEMBOWEL YOU, FEED YOUR STILL-BEATING HEART TO MY SILVER PIRANHAS, USE YOUR INTESTINES FOR SKIPPING ROPES AND YOUR RIBS FOR A XYLOPHONE!!!!!! NEVER DISS MY LITTLE FIFI AGAIN OR I'LL MAKE GOOD ON MY THREAT!!!! GOT IT!!!!??????!!!!!-
Lawyers: -But it's just an overgrown snake-
Gaian Skylord: *Angrier than Kuja when he is forced to wear low quality eye shadow because of the budget cuts during the making of FF9* YOU ARE NOW INCREDIBLY DEAD!!! I FORGOT BOTH MY SWORD AND SPEAR AT HOME SO I'LL SHOW YOU B@$#@%&S MY UN-BEATABLE POWER WITH MY INVINCIBLE (and extremely fluffy) MIDGAR ZOLUM INSTEAD!!!!! GO, FIFI!!!!! *Drops chain leash* SUPPERTIME!!!!!!!!
Lawyers: *As the Midgar Zolum towers over them* Ah. Crap.
*A really interesting chase scene begins as the S.L's are being chased by the M.Z while G.S cheers the cute M.Z on*
Gaian Skylord: YES!!! GO MY PET!!!!! *evil laugh which I am just too goddamn lazy to write* MAKE THEM FEEL THE WRATH OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD DONUTS AND THE PAIN OF THE VARIOUS DEAD-BEAT ACTORS WHO STAR IN ANNOYING SOAP OPERAS!!!!!! DIE, PARKING TICKETS!!! DDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! _____________________________________________________________
Don't worry! Now I'm sane!... Well, kinda... Heh, heh!!! *Twitch * Where were we? Oh yeah! Soooo. A QUICK RE-CAP: Art class is over. The kids are headed for their next class: History. Sephiroth is headed for the Teachers Lounge: Tylenol. Cloud is completely unaware of the dire peril that he is in and Palmer is still in search of the hopscotch-playing, fuzzy-bunny- slippers-wearing PURPLE COWS!!! *DUN, DUN, DUN!!!*
Midgar High School. . .. 9:51 AM.
A-Wing. . .A-201. . ..
*Cloud is sitting at his hair-gel-cluttered desk, sharpening his Buster Sword while he is supposed to be looking at his lesson plan*
Cloud *to sword*: . . .No longer will you do ONLY a hundred damage, my old friend. No, now you shall do a hundred and ONE damage now!! Tifa's gonna be so amazed-
Bell:-BBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNGGGG!!!!...*sound pitters off due to low school budget*
*Within seconds of the bell ceasing to ring, the chibi Turks, the teenage ShinRa president and the really.uh, 'big-boned'. .. executive (it should say 'Ocean of Lard' but, that would be very uncalled for so I won't type it. FOR NOW! Mwa ha ha ha. ...!? *Gets hit by flying phone booth*) charge in to the classroom with the force of a herd of wild chocobos*
Scarlett: *to Cloud* Are you our History teacher- *looks at schedule* Mister Strife?
Cloud: *looking quite unprofessional, as always* Yeah-
Reno: *points to Cloud whilst attempting to conceal five cases of forties in his jacket (and failing miserably)* -Hey!! You're that guy!
Cloud: *puts sword away and looks at the demonic spawn-err.students (Sorry.learning has severely damaged what little gray matter I have left! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! NO, REALLY! IT'S NOT!!! I BLAME IT ON MY CHILDHOOD!!!!)* Huh? What guy?
Reno: *pushing up sunglasses while trying to look all knowing* The guy who kicked Sephiroth's-
Elena: *Eyes wider than normal* YOU kicked Sephiroth?!?! CAN I HAVE YOUR BOOTS?!?! PLEASE??!! I'M HIS BIGGEST FAN!!!!!
Cloud: *Scared* . . . .Fan of whose?-
*Suddenly, the lights flicker and the longhaired ominous figure standing in the doorway enters the room*
Sephiroth: *causally* Hi, I was just wondering if I could borrow some Tylenol. you see the Teachers Lounge is all out of it and, well. . .- *Spots Elena* Hey, have you found me another art table yet?-
Elena: *Anime hearts fly around head causing epileptic seizures to seagulls flying by the all the school windows* -SEPHIROTH!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! I COULDN'T TELL YOU IN ART BECAUSE OUR TIME WAS CUT SOOO SHORT BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE I CAN!!!!!! MARRY ME!!!!!! WE COULD MAKE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER!!!!!!! *Begins to walk towards the poor guy like a zombie from 'Diablo II'*
Reno: *Shrugs while knocking back a forty* I guess that means 'no' in her language, huh?
*As everyone watches on, Elena begins to advance on the former ShinRa General*
Elena: I WUV YOU, SEPHIROTH!!!! YOU'RE SOOO INCREDIBLY COOL AND BLOODTHIRSTY!!!! I LIKE THAT IN A GUY!!!!!!
Sephiroth: *Backs away extremely slowly to keep the lovesick creature from going into an uncontrollable frenzy* -!?!????!!?!?!??!?!?!?!??
Elena: *Takes a step forward, arms open and full of evil grasping strength* YOU'RE THE HOTTEST SERIAL KILLER EVER!!!!!
Sephiroth: . . .?!?!!!(__)!?????!!!*' DAMMIT!!!! I THOUGHT I HAD ESCAPED YOU!!!!'*
Unearthly-Deep-Voice: Nope, I'm still here. . . *Snickers and psychically points to Elena* and so is she!
*Screen shifts back to Elena who is holding something within a small-balled fist*
Elena: *Tongue hanging out of face* LET ME BE YOUR QUEEN OF DARKNESS!!!! IF YOU DON'T, I'LL SUMMON A FEARFUL DEMONIC BEING USING THIS MATERIA!!!! *Holds up purple-spotted pink-red summon materia menacingly*
Cloud: *Scratching head* Vincent's at his class, though. . ..plus, I've never seen that materia before..-
Elena: *smug* Of course you haven't!! It's been made in secret by the Turks and is gonna be used to rule the universe and-
Rufus + Reno + Scarlett + Rude: Elena???
Elena: *looking innocent* Yeah?
Rufus + Reno + Scarlett + Rude: SHUDDUP!!!
Rude: *thinking to self..'I just spoke?! And loudly, I might add, too.. That does it!! If I am to keep my mysterious persona I am going to have to stay silent as is necessary!....'*...........................................
Elena: ... Um *Thinks for second* ... .. .. .. .. *Grins evilly* NO!! I WILL NOT!!!! NOW, I SHALL SUMMON FORTH THE EVILLEST BEING ON THE FACE OF GAIA!!!!-
Sephiroth: *confuzzled* -But. . ... I'm already here. . . ... OR AM I???????
*Twilight Zone music plays in background*
Cloud: *shrugging* Physically, yeah. Mentally, well. . .. .. . .. . . . . ... . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . ...it's kinda another story in itself-
Sephiroth + Elena: HEY!!!!!
Sephiroth: *pouts indignantly* I'm not mindless. . . I'M MISUNDERSTOOD!!!!!!!!
All *except Elena*: HELL NO!!!!!!
Reno: Even I'M considered normal compared to you!!! *takes another swig of vodka which he has been hiding under his desk* Wait for it. . .. Wait for it. . . BBBBBBBBEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rufus: *Thoroughly disgusted and showing it by scrunching up he nose* Ugh. Eww.. Dirty, man.
*Reno smiling proudly*
Reno: I thought it was pretty good, actually! One of my better ones, I must say... but then again, you have yet to see me belch the ShinRa national anthem which is truly something to behold! I can do it having only drunk about ten bottles of-
Rufus: *Covers face with hand* . . . . You brain-dead, liver-damaged cow-
Palmer: *Looks up hopefully* PURPLE COW?! MWEEE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Begins to skip around classroom while screaming quotes from various brain-deadening soap operas*
*The silence is so profound that it drives a neighboring chocobo farm's chocobos to go bury their heads in the sand and shake uncontrollably*
Cloud: *Large anime sweatdrop* Uh. . .. is he okay?????
Scarlett: *Does annoying "beyond all possible reason" laugh (which should be outlawed on Gaia in general due to it's ability to drive cattle mad, kill chickens, spontaneously combust bananas, uproot trees and turn eggs into nuclear explosives when cooked in one's microwave) everyone plugs their ears to keep from going both deaf and dumb* Yep, he always acts this way when he even makes the slightest attempt to use his brain, which is kinda funny considering it's soooo microscopic it hardly exists
Cloud: *Unplugs ears*. .. ..Oh, okay!
Reno: *Belching alphabet* A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H!!-
Rufus: *Covering ears with hands* Ugh.. . . . the sound. . . .the SOUND!!!!
Reno: -I-J-K-L-M-N-O. . . .. . Damn!! I've run outta gas!!! *Blubbers drunkenly* Life's unfair!!!! *Hic!!*
Palmer: Ahem!- *Standing beneath the 'Air duct of Doom' *DUN, DUN, DUN!!!!!* which is inhabited by the killer dust bunnies of Mordor* -'Like sand through the hourglass, so are the cows of our lives'!-....... ARGGH!!!
*Palmer is then assaulted by a killer dust bunny speaking Mordorese and runs from room screaming something about the chibi Nazgul and their evil thirst for the One Salad (*For reference of these matters, look in "The Blue Book of Eastmarch"*). In other words, Palmer is running *trudging slowly* for his life as pack of wild, rabid, killer dust bunnies chase him at a slow crawling pace*
Cloud: *to Rufus* Early senility?
Rufus: *arches eyebrow* EARLY? He's forty five already-
*Suddenly, the "Who wants to be a millionaire" theme starts playing, the lights dim and a blue spotlight shines on Elena who is now holding a cue card*
Elena: -What are you going to do, Sephy! Are you going to . . .
A.) Marry me and live
B.) Don't marry me and get your sweet be-hind kicked severely, wrapped and handed to you with a pink bow on top by
C.) my amazingly-evil-monster-summon-thingy
D.) Die a horrible death at the hands of your OTHER fan girls or..
E.) B.), C.) and D.) ????
Rude: . . . ..*to self* . . .I thought she liked Tseng. . . .
Sephiroth: *Eyes glowing with hate as he re-obtains spine* What I said in Art stands. *Draws katana and scowls evilly*
Elena: *Drops cue card* Are you going to CUT me with that!!??? *Eyes shinning with wonder*
Sephiroth: *Deadpan* No, I'm going to kill you with it
Elena: Ohh...Okay!! *Mesmerized by Sephiroth's Blue\Gray\Green mako eyes*
*Sephiroth slowly raises sword*
Cloud: *Thinks whilst everything begins to register within his dangerously spikey head (which I believe could have defeated Sephiroth alone because of the incredible amount of hair gel used to maintain it. it must be as strong as the smell of the cafeteria's "mystery meat melange slop".X2!!!)* Something isn't right here...
*Without warning, the door opens and a long blond-haired-pointy-eared someone wearing green and brown clothes wanders into the room and is clearly so intoxicated he can hardly stand up. Yesss!!!! It's Legolas!!!!!
*Legolas wanders tipsily around the room before crashing into a chair in the far corner of the classroom, and then becomes the center of attention*
*Uneasy silence*
Cloud *advancing towards drunken figure* : I think you've had enough . . .
Legolas *speaking slowly and with great difficulty* Y-you can't have it . . .*looks craftily at Cloud* I-I'm n-not giving it to you . . . *puts a protective arm around the jug he had been wandering around with in Lothlorien.* I dr-drank it all . . .S'empty.
Reno *grumbling*: Just when I thought I was best . . . ....
Legolas: I always do this when Gandalf diess . . ....
All *in unison* : oooooooohhhh . . .....
Scarlett: *annoying laugh that destroyed all the mythical cities ever recorded as mythical cities and the source of all natural disasters* it's all so clear now . . .......
Legolas *drunkenly thoughtful* I-I wish he would st-stop d-doing that . . .
Sephiroth *grumbling* : Stupid drunken inferior lifeform . . .
Legolas *looking to Sephiroth while mistaking him for someone else* G- Gandalf???
Sephiroth *deadpan*: No
Legolas *slowly recites a string of cusswords which he had learned off of a certain unaware-that-there-was-an-elf-following-him-around pilot during his (mostly) fruitless wanderings of the school* Ah . .F#!&&!^ . .@$$h0|e . . .B@$+@%d$ . . .
Sephiroth *to Cloud* : May I? *pulls out katana and nods towards Legolas*
Unearthly-deep-voice + Cloud: No
Sephiroth: But-
Unearthly-deep-voice + Cloud: No!
Sephiroth: Please-
Unearthly-deep-voice + Cloud: NOOO!!!
Cloud: *annoyed thoroughly* I-WANT-TO-TEACH!!!!!!!!-
Unearthly-deep-voice: *thunderbolts and lightening* -NO, YOU CANNOT TEACH, CHILD!!! *commanding voice of the heavens* THERE IS MUCH A FOOT HERE WITHIN THESE WALLS!!!!!... SO, AS THE ANCIENT ONES ONCE PROCLAIMED, *clears throat psychically* PUT A SOCK IN IT SO I MAY WATCH THIS FIFTY MINUTE PROGRAM!!!!!! *thunderbolts and lightening; very, VERY frightening*
Sephiroth + Cloud: *subdued (for the time being)* Awww . . .you ruin my fun . . .I need some Tylenol . . .
Legolas: *Elvish belch* Ah, Elbereth!. Gilthoniel.. Silivern penna.. Miriel..*disappears in a cloud of elvish smoke*
All: *Blink-blink*....
Reno: *sullen* ....Just when I thought I was best at escaping strange situations involving education and smoke.... *takes another good swig of Vodka* Ah, LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!
*Suddenly, an aura of kindness fills the room as a vision of loveliness comes into view*
Aeris: *knocks on door* hello??? is everything okay in here?? Is everyone alright??
Sephiroth: *puts away katana and smiles* Yes, everyone's fine here. And yourself? *What Sephiroth is thinking! Aeris isn't so inferior . . .in fact she's quite intelligent, for someone who hasn't been pumped with Jenova cells . . .and pretty too. She and I have alot in common . . .I can't believe I . . .I can't even think about it . . .HOW COULD I HAVE EVEN LAID A FINGER ON HER??!!* *Starts to cry on the spot, but hides the fact by looking out the window*
*(Little does Sephiroth know that during his time of reflective thought, his face had turned bright red and then pale white in the space of about three seconds)*
*While Aeris began talking with Rufus about the mysterious guest appearances in their history class, Cloud couldn't help but notice Sephiroth's face, which seemed to be imitating a traffic light as the villain faced the lovely Cetra. Dawn of realization struck, and Cloud went and barfed out yonder window. From outside, a female enraged shriek of disgusted anger is heard accompanied by several long screams of fury. Cloud pulls his head back within the safety of the classroom and shuts the shatter-proof windows as a barrage of small boulders, aimed directly for Cloud, bounce of them*
All: *blink-blink*
Cloud: *opening a small crack in the window as the barrage stops for the moment* .Tifa! I honestly didn't see you!-
*Cloud quickly shuts the window as the barrage resumes its destructive pattern*
*Even MORE crickets chirp*
Aeris: *shock, hand flies to cover her gasping mouth* Cloud! YOU DIDN'T!!!
Cloud: ...*bows head as the rocks keep ricocheting* I-I didn't mean to-
Sephiroth: *Eyes wide* -I think it best to leave now. Even JENOVA cells won't save me if I'm still around when Tifa arrives! *shudder* She will finish off the puppet and come to seek revenge upon me for nearly killing her!!! *re-obtains spine once again* ... I have to talk to Vincent anyway.. See if he has some Tylenol *thoughtful* or maybe he snarfed it all when he was sleeping in his coffin last night..
*Sephiroth leaves, walking briskly down the hall like the hounds of hell were at the backs of his black his riding boots*
*Suddenly, the sound of heavy objects being thrown against the windows stop causing everyone to look up in alarm. Cautiously, Cloud opens the badly scratched sliding panel that was once a window and looks down at the ground*
Cloud: *In alarm* THIS IS NOT GOOD!!! *looks around, the glint of a hunted animal shining dully in his mako eyes* SHE'S GONE TO GET MORE HEAVY ROCKS OR WORSE!!!!!- *gasps in horror* SHE'S ON HER WAY TO MY ROOM TO MAKE ME PAY!!!!!! *panics profusely*
*The kids all watch on in terror*
Rufus: *deadpan*..........Having a girlfriend is not worth this much trouble. I think I'll stick with my money.... Money won't come after you with fifty pound boulders AND force you to apologize over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again under pain of death.....
Reno: *shaking head* Dude, you're gonna die a lonely miser and when you do- *grins evilly* -I'm gonna take all your cash!!!!! UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF ALCOHOL, HERE I COME!!!!!
Rufus: *deadpan* I can have you fired, you know.....
Rude + Elena: *Looking quite scared* But.....But......But.......But.....But......But......But.................... ..... *cough! Tear! Emotional BREAKDOWN!!*
Rufus: *smacking forehead* NO! *to Elena and Rude* Not YOU Two!!!!!! *exasperated sigh!!!*
Scarlett: *randomly thoughtful* How did I get involved with YOU people, anyway?. *flashback music begins but tampers off due to increasingly low budget cuts*
Aeris: *heading for the door, a look of pure concern written across her face* well, I've got to be going. I'll go and talk to Tifa, okay, Cloud? I'm sure she'll listen to reason. *glances at the clock on the classroom wall and her look of concern turns to one of pure panic* -but-first-I've- got-to-get-my-lesson-plan-and-music-sheets-sorted-out-and-then-the-student- assignment-pages-and-I'll-talk-with-her-later-Cloud-bye!!!!!!!
*Aeris runs swiftly from the room in pursuit of a photocopier*
Cloud: *slowly re-obtains spine, to Turk and Shinra president's son* alright..... it seems I only have a few more minutes to live, so I might as well use them to teach you guys a little bit about the History of the Planet. The Cetra-
Bell:-BBBBBRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! *tampers off due to increasingly low budget cuts*
*within a fifth of a second of the sick metallic clamber, the classroom is empty and even more crickets chirp. Cloud, distressed mentally from the thought of Tifa's 'Premium Heart' gloves mashing him into a blonde-purple mess of mangled epidermis and vital organs, quickly leaves the room, locking the door behind him, and, glancing down the empty halls, begins the longest stealth mission on the face of Gaia*
Cloud: *to self as ducking in and out of open lockers in the direction of the teachers lounge* Have almighty master key of education, will travel.. Have almighty master key of education, will travel.. Have almighty master key of education- *reaches into pocket for the 'almighty Master Key of Education (which is, more or less, a twisted hairpin)' so to unlock the teachers lounge door but.*
*yet another uneasy silence*
Cloud: *frantically looking through pockets for the 'Almighty' Master Key of Education, which seems to have disappeared into thin air like half the sanity in this particular chapter* Where-is-it!?!?!?! Where-is-it?!?!?!?! *panicking* It WAS RIGHT HERE A SECOND AGO-
*AND THEN A SINISTER FEMALE SHADOW ENVELOPS THE END OF TH HALL WITH ITS MALEVIOLENCE!!!!!! (and it's not Kuja!!!)*
Tifa: *at the end of the hall in all her clothing marred glory, looking around for the main character with a dangerous gleam in her deep brown eyes* -Oh, Cloud?! Where ARE you Cloud? *cracking knuckles morbidly as she walks, unaware of our hero's presence down the next hall* I would like to talk with you, Cloud..... Concerning you, me, your stomach and little friend of mine.....*tightens gloves*
*A eternally long amount of time passes (five or so odd minutes), the hall is clear and Cloud breathes a sigh of relief*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------
What new Classes await our evil corporation's misguided youths? What has happened to the mysterious purple spotted pink-red summon materia thingy? Will Rude ever speak again?! Will Sephiroth get his Tylenol or will Vincent have snarfed it all?! Will Legolas join the EAA (Eleven Alcoholics Anonymous)?!?! Will Cloud escape Tifa's wrath??!! WILL I EVER BE SANE???!!!.....why do I even ask that? ^-^! Find out IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF MIDGAR HIGH SCHOOL!!! *and don't forget to bring the popcorn!*
AUTHOR'S NOTE: ..Goddamn.. Sorry, again, to all my readers. I've been studying for exams and writing up various finals so I haven't had much free time on my hands.. BUT FEAR NOT!!!!! I'm back and writing as much as ever!!!. however, I'm kinda stumped on the fact I don't know who should be teaching in the next chapter and that.... the fact I don't KNOW what to write..... is quite terrifying.. *shudders*...... anyhow, this is the part in which I, the great and powerful Gaian Skylord, go down on both knees, beg, bribe and plead with you to come and review my work BUT this time, instead of just reviewing, tell me in your review what class I should have in my next chapter and who should be teaching it!!! YES!!! I'M GIVING YOU A CHANCE TO CALL THE SHOTS!!!!-*COUGH!*- anyway.... yeah! So, again, for the sake of everything in which there are Chocobos, Cids, Gaia, Captains, Generals and moogles RIDING chocobos, REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Gaian Skylord
*NOTE!!!!*: This was co-written by my friend "Splat-Spider" *Who is just as insane as I am, if not, more so! Heh, Heh!!*
Splat-Spider: *Indignant* Hey!! You're evil!!!! EVIL!!!
Gaian Skylord: I'm not evil! *Dons innocent Legolas look* I'm misunderstood!!
Splat-Spider: *Not deceived by innocent look* SURE! That's what you WANT me to think!
Gaian Skylord: Damn. . .. You've seen through my master plan! *Exchanges innocent Legolas look for that of an idiotic criminal mastermind*
Splat-Spider: *Not impressed* I can do better in my sleep! SEE!
*Does evil corky smile which has been outlawed in several states in the U.S.A and five provinces in Canada*
Gaian Skylord: *Shields eyes* AAAHHH!!! ILLEGALNESS!!!!!!
*Runs from room with face as nearly as contorted as Splat-Spider's*
*****************************
3rd-Chapter-Disclaimer-Whatsit: I DO NOT OWN FF7, LORD OF THE RINGS, THE CHARACTERS OR SQUARESOFT!! ALRIGHT???!!! TRY AND SUE ME AND I'LL SICK MY RABID MIDGAR ZOLUM ON YOU!!!
Squaresoftian Lawyers: *Flips through various legal documents* Well. technically speaking, you aren't supp-
Gaian Skylord: *Rolls eyes* -Yeah, yeah. . .. I know. . . I can't have an evil creature from FF7 as a pet but, *Pets the giant serpent's tail lovingly* he's just soooo damn adorable!
*Lawyers watch on in horrid fascination as the (slightly) deranged author of this mindless piece of chocobo manure coos over the large monster, who in turn, makes a rather cat-like purring sound (well. as good a cat-like purring sound as any full grown snake creatures can make, anyway)*
Gaian Skylord *To M.Z*: I wuv you, Fifi! Yes, I do! You cute little man- eating, poisonous snake, you!!
Fifi: *Purring contently* ....sssSSSsss...
Lawyers: ......?! *Giving each other rather terrifying odd looks, then remembering their jobs.* (AHEM!?) This display of...uh.... Illegalness. gives us perfect ground for court action against you and OUR big, fat cobra monster-
Gaian Skylord: *Angry as Hell and getting defensive* -What did you say!!!???
Lawyers: ...Umm.... nothing....-
Gaian Skylord: -WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!??? IF YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN I'LL DISEMBOWEL YOU, FEED YOUR STILL-BEATING HEART TO MY SILVER PIRANHAS, USE YOUR INTESTINES FOR SKIPPING ROPES AND YOUR RIBS FOR A XYLOPHONE!!!!!! NEVER DISS MY LITTLE FIFI AGAIN OR I'LL MAKE GOOD ON MY THREAT!!!! GOT IT!!!!??????!!!!!-
Lawyers: -But it's just an overgrown snake-
Gaian Skylord: *Angrier than Kuja when he is forced to wear low quality eye shadow because of the budget cuts during the making of FF9* YOU ARE NOW INCREDIBLY DEAD!!! I FORGOT BOTH MY SWORD AND SPEAR AT HOME SO I'LL SHOW YOU B@$#@%&S MY UN-BEATABLE POWER WITH MY INVINCIBLE (and extremely fluffy) MIDGAR ZOLUM INSTEAD!!!!! GO, FIFI!!!!! *Drops chain leash* SUPPERTIME!!!!!!!!
Lawyers: *As the Midgar Zolum towers over them* Ah. Crap.
*A really interesting chase scene begins as the S.L's are being chased by the M.Z while G.S cheers the cute M.Z on*
Gaian Skylord: YES!!! GO MY PET!!!!! *evil laugh which I am just too goddamn lazy to write* MAKE THEM FEEL THE WRATH OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD DONUTS AND THE PAIN OF THE VARIOUS DEAD-BEAT ACTORS WHO STAR IN ANNOYING SOAP OPERAS!!!!!! DIE, PARKING TICKETS!!! DDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! _____________________________________________________________
Don't worry! Now I'm sane!... Well, kinda... Heh, heh!!! *Twitch * Where were we? Oh yeah! Soooo. A QUICK RE-CAP: Art class is over. The kids are headed for their next class: History. Sephiroth is headed for the Teachers Lounge: Tylenol. Cloud is completely unaware of the dire peril that he is in and Palmer is still in search of the hopscotch-playing, fuzzy-bunny- slippers-wearing PURPLE COWS!!! *DUN, DUN, DUN!!!*
Midgar High School. . .. 9:51 AM.
A-Wing. . .A-201. . ..
*Cloud is sitting at his hair-gel-cluttered desk, sharpening his Buster Sword while he is supposed to be looking at his lesson plan*
Cloud *to sword*: . . .No longer will you do ONLY a hundred damage, my old friend. No, now you shall do a hundred and ONE damage now!! Tifa's gonna be so amazed-
Bell:-BBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNGGGG!!!!...*sound pitters off due to low school budget*
*Within seconds of the bell ceasing to ring, the chibi Turks, the teenage ShinRa president and the really.uh, 'big-boned'. .. executive (it should say 'Ocean of Lard' but, that would be very uncalled for so I won't type it. FOR NOW! Mwa ha ha ha. ...!? *Gets hit by flying phone booth*) charge in to the classroom with the force of a herd of wild chocobos*
Scarlett: *to Cloud* Are you our History teacher- *looks at schedule* Mister Strife?
Cloud: *looking quite unprofessional, as always* Yeah-
Reno: *points to Cloud whilst attempting to conceal five cases of forties in his jacket (and failing miserably)* -Hey!! You're that guy!
Cloud: *puts sword away and looks at the demonic spawn-err.students (Sorry.learning has severely damaged what little gray matter I have left! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! NO, REALLY! IT'S NOT!!! I BLAME IT ON MY CHILDHOOD!!!!)* Huh? What guy?
Reno: *pushing up sunglasses while trying to look all knowing* The guy who kicked Sephiroth's-
Elena: *Eyes wider than normal* YOU kicked Sephiroth?!?! CAN I HAVE YOUR BOOTS?!?! PLEASE??!! I'M HIS BIGGEST FAN!!!!!
Cloud: *Scared* . . . .Fan of whose?-
*Suddenly, the lights flicker and the longhaired ominous figure standing in the doorway enters the room*
Sephiroth: *causally* Hi, I was just wondering if I could borrow some Tylenol. you see the Teachers Lounge is all out of it and, well. . .- *Spots Elena* Hey, have you found me another art table yet?-
Elena: *Anime hearts fly around head causing epileptic seizures to seagulls flying by the all the school windows* -SEPHIROTH!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! I COULDN'T TELL YOU IN ART BECAUSE OUR TIME WAS CUT SOOO SHORT BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE I CAN!!!!!! MARRY ME!!!!!! WE COULD MAKE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER!!!!!!! *Begins to walk towards the poor guy like a zombie from 'Diablo II'*
Reno: *Shrugs while knocking back a forty* I guess that means 'no' in her language, huh?
*As everyone watches on, Elena begins to advance on the former ShinRa General*
Elena: I WUV YOU, SEPHIROTH!!!! YOU'RE SOOO INCREDIBLY COOL AND BLOODTHIRSTY!!!! I LIKE THAT IN A GUY!!!!!!
Sephiroth: *Backs away extremely slowly to keep the lovesick creature from going into an uncontrollable frenzy* -!?!????!!?!?!??!?!?!?!??
Elena: *Takes a step forward, arms open and full of evil grasping strength* YOU'RE THE HOTTEST SERIAL KILLER EVER!!!!!
Sephiroth: . . .?!?!!!(__)!?????!!!*' DAMMIT!!!! I THOUGHT I HAD ESCAPED YOU!!!!'*
Unearthly-Deep-Voice: Nope, I'm still here. . . *Snickers and psychically points to Elena* and so is she!
*Screen shifts back to Elena who is holding something within a small-balled fist*
Elena: *Tongue hanging out of face* LET ME BE YOUR QUEEN OF DARKNESS!!!! IF YOU DON'T, I'LL SUMMON A FEARFUL DEMONIC BEING USING THIS MATERIA!!!! *Holds up purple-spotted pink-red summon materia menacingly*
Cloud: *Scratching head* Vincent's at his class, though. . ..plus, I've never seen that materia before..-
Elena: *smug* Of course you haven't!! It's been made in secret by the Turks and is gonna be used to rule the universe and-
Rufus + Reno + Scarlett + Rude: Elena???
Elena: *looking innocent* Yeah?
Rufus + Reno + Scarlett + Rude: SHUDDUP!!!
Rude: *thinking to self..'I just spoke?! And loudly, I might add, too.. That does it!! If I am to keep my mysterious persona I am going to have to stay silent as is necessary!....'*...........................................
Elena: ... Um *Thinks for second* ... .. .. .. .. *Grins evilly* NO!! I WILL NOT!!!! NOW, I SHALL SUMMON FORTH THE EVILLEST BEING ON THE FACE OF GAIA!!!!-
Sephiroth: *confuzzled* -But. . ... I'm already here. . . ... OR AM I???????
*Twilight Zone music plays in background*
Cloud: *shrugging* Physically, yeah. Mentally, well. . .. .. . .. . . . . ... . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . ...it's kinda another story in itself-
Sephiroth + Elena: HEY!!!!!
Sephiroth: *pouts indignantly* I'm not mindless. . . I'M MISUNDERSTOOD!!!!!!!!
All *except Elena*: HELL NO!!!!!!
Reno: Even I'M considered normal compared to you!!! *takes another swig of vodka which he has been hiding under his desk* Wait for it. . .. Wait for it. . . BBBBBBBBEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rufus: *Thoroughly disgusted and showing it by scrunching up he nose* Ugh. Eww.. Dirty, man.
*Reno smiling proudly*
Reno: I thought it was pretty good, actually! One of my better ones, I must say... but then again, you have yet to see me belch the ShinRa national anthem which is truly something to behold! I can do it having only drunk about ten bottles of-
Rufus: *Covers face with hand* . . . . You brain-dead, liver-damaged cow-
Palmer: *Looks up hopefully* PURPLE COW?! MWEEE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Begins to skip around classroom while screaming quotes from various brain-deadening soap operas*
*The silence is so profound that it drives a neighboring chocobo farm's chocobos to go bury their heads in the sand and shake uncontrollably*
Cloud: *Large anime sweatdrop* Uh. . .. is he okay?????
Scarlett: *Does annoying "beyond all possible reason" laugh (which should be outlawed on Gaia in general due to it's ability to drive cattle mad, kill chickens, spontaneously combust bananas, uproot trees and turn eggs into nuclear explosives when cooked in one's microwave) everyone plugs their ears to keep from going both deaf and dumb* Yep, he always acts this way when he even makes the slightest attempt to use his brain, which is kinda funny considering it's soooo microscopic it hardly exists
Cloud: *Unplugs ears*. .. ..Oh, okay!
Reno: *Belching alphabet* A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H!!-
Rufus: *Covering ears with hands* Ugh.. . . . the sound. . . .the SOUND!!!!
Reno: -I-J-K-L-M-N-O. . . .. . Damn!! I've run outta gas!!! *Blubbers drunkenly* Life's unfair!!!! *Hic!!*
Palmer: Ahem!- *Standing beneath the 'Air duct of Doom' *DUN, DUN, DUN!!!!!* which is inhabited by the killer dust bunnies of Mordor* -'Like sand through the hourglass, so are the cows of our lives'!-....... ARGGH!!!
*Palmer is then assaulted by a killer dust bunny speaking Mordorese and runs from room screaming something about the chibi Nazgul and their evil thirst for the One Salad (*For reference of these matters, look in "The Blue Book of Eastmarch"*). In other words, Palmer is running *trudging slowly* for his life as pack of wild, rabid, killer dust bunnies chase him at a slow crawling pace*
Cloud: *to Rufus* Early senility?
Rufus: *arches eyebrow* EARLY? He's forty five already-
*Suddenly, the "Who wants to be a millionaire" theme starts playing, the lights dim and a blue spotlight shines on Elena who is now holding a cue card*
Elena: -What are you going to do, Sephy! Are you going to . . .
A.) Marry me and live
B.) Don't marry me and get your sweet be-hind kicked severely, wrapped and handed to you with a pink bow on top by
C.) my amazingly-evil-monster-summon-thingy
D.) Die a horrible death at the hands of your OTHER fan girls or..
E.) B.), C.) and D.) ????
Rude: . . . ..*to self* . . .I thought she liked Tseng. . . .
Sephiroth: *Eyes glowing with hate as he re-obtains spine* What I said in Art stands. *Draws katana and scowls evilly*
Elena: *Drops cue card* Are you going to CUT me with that!!??? *Eyes shinning with wonder*
Sephiroth: *Deadpan* No, I'm going to kill you with it
Elena: Ohh...Okay!! *Mesmerized by Sephiroth's Blue\Gray\Green mako eyes*
*Sephiroth slowly raises sword*
Cloud: *Thinks whilst everything begins to register within his dangerously spikey head (which I believe could have defeated Sephiroth alone because of the incredible amount of hair gel used to maintain it. it must be as strong as the smell of the cafeteria's "mystery meat melange slop".X2!!!)* Something isn't right here...
*Without warning, the door opens and a long blond-haired-pointy-eared someone wearing green and brown clothes wanders into the room and is clearly so intoxicated he can hardly stand up. Yesss!!!! It's Legolas!!!!!
*Legolas wanders tipsily around the room before crashing into a chair in the far corner of the classroom, and then becomes the center of attention*
*Uneasy silence*
Cloud *advancing towards drunken figure* : I think you've had enough . . .
Legolas *speaking slowly and with great difficulty* Y-you can't have it . . .*looks craftily at Cloud* I-I'm n-not giving it to you . . . *puts a protective arm around the jug he had been wandering around with in Lothlorien.* I dr-drank it all . . .S'empty.
Reno *grumbling*: Just when I thought I was best . . . ....
Legolas: I always do this when Gandalf diess . . ....
All *in unison* : oooooooohhhh . . .....
Scarlett: *annoying laugh that destroyed all the mythical cities ever recorded as mythical cities and the source of all natural disasters* it's all so clear now . . .......
Legolas *drunkenly thoughtful* I-I wish he would st-stop d-doing that . . .
Sephiroth *grumbling* : Stupid drunken inferior lifeform . . .
Legolas *looking to Sephiroth while mistaking him for someone else* G- Gandalf???
Sephiroth *deadpan*: No
Legolas *slowly recites a string of cusswords which he had learned off of a certain unaware-that-there-was-an-elf-following-him-around pilot during his (mostly) fruitless wanderings of the school* Ah . .F#!&&!^ . .@$$h0|e . . .B@$+@%d$ . . .
Sephiroth *to Cloud* : May I? *pulls out katana and nods towards Legolas*
Unearthly-deep-voice + Cloud: No
Sephiroth: But-
Unearthly-deep-voice + Cloud: No!
Sephiroth: Please-
Unearthly-deep-voice + Cloud: NOOO!!!
Cloud: *annoyed thoroughly* I-WANT-TO-TEACH!!!!!!!!-
Unearthly-deep-voice: *thunderbolts and lightening* -NO, YOU CANNOT TEACH, CHILD!!! *commanding voice of the heavens* THERE IS MUCH A FOOT HERE WITHIN THESE WALLS!!!!!... SO, AS THE ANCIENT ONES ONCE PROCLAIMED, *clears throat psychically* PUT A SOCK IN IT SO I MAY WATCH THIS FIFTY MINUTE PROGRAM!!!!!! *thunderbolts and lightening; very, VERY frightening*
Sephiroth + Cloud: *subdued (for the time being)* Awww . . .you ruin my fun . . .I need some Tylenol . . .
Legolas: *Elvish belch* Ah, Elbereth!. Gilthoniel.. Silivern penna.. Miriel..*disappears in a cloud of elvish smoke*
All: *Blink-blink*....
Reno: *sullen* ....Just when I thought I was best at escaping strange situations involving education and smoke.... *takes another good swig of Vodka* Ah, LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!
*Suddenly, an aura of kindness fills the room as a vision of loveliness comes into view*
Aeris: *knocks on door* hello??? is everything okay in here?? Is everyone alright??
Sephiroth: *puts away katana and smiles* Yes, everyone's fine here. And yourself? *What Sephiroth is thinking! Aeris isn't so inferior . . .in fact she's quite intelligent, for someone who hasn't been pumped with Jenova cells . . .and pretty too. She and I have alot in common . . .I can't believe I . . .I can't even think about it . . .HOW COULD I HAVE EVEN LAID A FINGER ON HER??!!* *Starts to cry on the spot, but hides the fact by looking out the window*
*(Little does Sephiroth know that during his time of reflective thought, his face had turned bright red and then pale white in the space of about three seconds)*
*While Aeris began talking with Rufus about the mysterious guest appearances in their history class, Cloud couldn't help but notice Sephiroth's face, which seemed to be imitating a traffic light as the villain faced the lovely Cetra. Dawn of realization struck, and Cloud went and barfed out yonder window. From outside, a female enraged shriek of disgusted anger is heard accompanied by several long screams of fury. Cloud pulls his head back within the safety of the classroom and shuts the shatter-proof windows as a barrage of small boulders, aimed directly for Cloud, bounce of them*
All: *blink-blink*
Cloud: *opening a small crack in the window as the barrage stops for the moment* .Tifa! I honestly didn't see you!-
*Cloud quickly shuts the window as the barrage resumes its destructive pattern*
*Even MORE crickets chirp*
Aeris: *shock, hand flies to cover her gasping mouth* Cloud! YOU DIDN'T!!!
Cloud: ...*bows head as the rocks keep ricocheting* I-I didn't mean to-
Sephiroth: *Eyes wide* -I think it best to leave now. Even JENOVA cells won't save me if I'm still around when Tifa arrives! *shudder* She will finish off the puppet and come to seek revenge upon me for nearly killing her!!! *re-obtains spine once again* ... I have to talk to Vincent anyway.. See if he has some Tylenol *thoughtful* or maybe he snarfed it all when he was sleeping in his coffin last night..
*Sephiroth leaves, walking briskly down the hall like the hounds of hell were at the backs of his black his riding boots*
*Suddenly, the sound of heavy objects being thrown against the windows stop causing everyone to look up in alarm. Cautiously, Cloud opens the badly scratched sliding panel that was once a window and looks down at the ground*
Cloud: *In alarm* THIS IS NOT GOOD!!! *looks around, the glint of a hunted animal shining dully in his mako eyes* SHE'S GONE TO GET MORE HEAVY ROCKS OR WORSE!!!!!- *gasps in horror* SHE'S ON HER WAY TO MY ROOM TO MAKE ME PAY!!!!!! *panics profusely*
*The kids all watch on in terror*
Rufus: *deadpan*..........Having a girlfriend is not worth this much trouble. I think I'll stick with my money.... Money won't come after you with fifty pound boulders AND force you to apologize over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again under pain of death.....
Reno: *shaking head* Dude, you're gonna die a lonely miser and when you do- *grins evilly* -I'm gonna take all your cash!!!!! UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF ALCOHOL, HERE I COME!!!!!
Rufus: *deadpan* I can have you fired, you know.....
Rude + Elena: *Looking quite scared* But.....But......But.......But.....But......But......But.................... ..... *cough! Tear! Emotional BREAKDOWN!!*
Rufus: *smacking forehead* NO! *to Elena and Rude* Not YOU Two!!!!!! *exasperated sigh!!!*
Scarlett: *randomly thoughtful* How did I get involved with YOU people, anyway?. *flashback music begins but tampers off due to increasingly low budget cuts*
Aeris: *heading for the door, a look of pure concern written across her face* well, I've got to be going. I'll go and talk to Tifa, okay, Cloud? I'm sure she'll listen to reason. *glances at the clock on the classroom wall and her look of concern turns to one of pure panic* -but-first-I've- got-to-get-my-lesson-plan-and-music-sheets-sorted-out-and-then-the-student- assignment-pages-and-I'll-talk-with-her-later-Cloud-bye!!!!!!!
*Aeris runs swiftly from the room in pursuit of a photocopier*
Cloud: *slowly re-obtains spine, to Turk and Shinra president's son* alright..... it seems I only have a few more minutes to live, so I might as well use them to teach you guys a little bit about the History of the Planet. The Cetra-
Bell:-BBBBBRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! *tampers off due to increasingly low budget cuts*
*within a fifth of a second of the sick metallic clamber, the classroom is empty and even more crickets chirp. Cloud, distressed mentally from the thought of Tifa's 'Premium Heart' gloves mashing him into a blonde-purple mess of mangled epidermis and vital organs, quickly leaves the room, locking the door behind him, and, glancing down the empty halls, begins the longest stealth mission on the face of Gaia*
Cloud: *to self as ducking in and out of open lockers in the direction of the teachers lounge* Have almighty master key of education, will travel.. Have almighty master key of education, will travel.. Have almighty master key of education- *reaches into pocket for the 'almighty Master Key of Education (which is, more or less, a twisted hairpin)' so to unlock the teachers lounge door but.*
*yet another uneasy silence*
Cloud: *frantically looking through pockets for the 'Almighty' Master Key of Education, which seems to have disappeared into thin air like half the sanity in this particular chapter* Where-is-it!?!?!?! Where-is-it?!?!?!?! *panicking* It WAS RIGHT HERE A SECOND AGO-
*AND THEN A SINISTER FEMALE SHADOW ENVELOPS THE END OF TH HALL WITH ITS MALEVIOLENCE!!!!!! (and it's not Kuja!!!)*
Tifa: *at the end of the hall in all her clothing marred glory, looking around for the main character with a dangerous gleam in her deep brown eyes* -Oh, Cloud?! Where ARE you Cloud? *cracking knuckles morbidly as she walks, unaware of our hero's presence down the next hall* I would like to talk with you, Cloud..... Concerning you, me, your stomach and little friend of mine.....*tightens gloves*
*A eternally long amount of time passes (five or so odd minutes), the hall is clear and Cloud breathes a sigh of relief*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------
What new Classes await our evil corporation's misguided youths? What has happened to the mysterious purple spotted pink-red summon materia thingy? Will Rude ever speak again?! Will Sephiroth get his Tylenol or will Vincent have snarfed it all?! Will Legolas join the EAA (Eleven Alcoholics Anonymous)?!?! Will Cloud escape Tifa's wrath??!! WILL I EVER BE SANE???!!!.....why do I even ask that? ^-^! Find out IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF MIDGAR HIGH SCHOOL!!! *and don't forget to bring the popcorn!*
AUTHOR'S NOTE: ..Goddamn.. Sorry, again, to all my readers. I've been studying for exams and writing up various finals so I haven't had much free time on my hands.. BUT FEAR NOT!!!!! I'm back and writing as much as ever!!!. however, I'm kinda stumped on the fact I don't know who should be teaching in the next chapter and that.... the fact I don't KNOW what to write..... is quite terrifying.. *shudders*...... anyhow, this is the part in which I, the great and powerful Gaian Skylord, go down on both knees, beg, bribe and plead with you to come and review my work BUT this time, instead of just reviewing, tell me in your review what class I should have in my next chapter and who should be teaching it!!! YES!!! I'M GIVING YOU A CHANCE TO CALL THE SHOTS!!!!-*COUGH!*- anyway.... yeah! So, again, for the sake of everything in which there are Chocobos, Cids, Gaia, Captains, Generals and moogles RIDING chocobos, REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Gaian Skylord