DISCLAIMER: Why do I keep forgetting to do these things? Anyway...I own
nothing but Emily, my self, Harold, Obstinate Fool, and...well, you should
be able to know what's mine and what's not. So be happy! Oh yeah... The
quote at the end of the chapter is from Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of
the Caribbean. And Sirius from last chapter belong to Rowling. Just thought
I should mention that. NOW! ON WITH THE STORY!
CHAPTER SIX
Owies. Owies, owies, owies. That bloody hurt. Literally. And it's all Emily's fault! A little moan escaped my lips. Someone shoot me now. Pleeeease! END THE PAIN!!!
"Emily...Remember...Socks love you...I never really hated you...Give me purple flowers at my wedding and make sure you cry for me at the mourning ceremony...Good bye..."
"Katie, get up, you're fine."
"Am not. That bloody asshole stabbed my shoulder! And it's all your fault! AND IT HURTS!" I cried. We'd taken refuge in behind a little boulder on the field. "I knew this was a bad idea. I knew it, I knew it, I KNEW IT!"
"Would you hold still? I can't tie this thingie while you're moving!" Emily snapped and ripped more cloth off her sleeve. She tied it around my shoulder in a make shift bandage.
"It hurts, Mommy...I want pain killers," I muttered and winced as she pulled hard on the ends of the cloth, making it tight around my shoulder. "Don't make it so tight!" She loosened the "bandage."
Yeah, it was all her fault...Gr...A while ago we were weaving our way in and out of the way of clashing swords, getting a little further toward Legolas each time we moved. But little things darting out from under your arms don't go unnoticed by Orcs for long. And so guess what happened? One decided, "Oh hey, look at those pathetic little girls running through the middle of a bloody battle! Let's stab the blonde one!"
Naturally, I couldn't let the little cretin kill my best friend. That would not be good. And besides, Who would I annoy besides Legolas? So, you see why I had to save her sorry ass. Of course, in the process, this also caused the Orc to stab ME instead of HER. No where fatal, of course, I wasn't going to let it plunge some sword into my heart or anything. But I'll have you know being stabbed in the shoulder HURTS.
"There. That should work for now. Okay, what are we gonna do now?" she asked, sitting back against the rock's surface. I gave her the look. Honestly, what kind of question is that?
"Emily..." I said like I was talking to a simpleton. "Tell me, why did we risk our lives in the first place?"
"To give Legolas his stupid knife, which I'll bet he doesn't need at all," she answered. I smacked her head.
"It gives us something to do. Not that I like plunging into a battle and nearly dying, but at least we're not bored. Now, back to the topic! We mine as well finish our little quest to return the Sacred Knife to the Annoying Elf Of Nothingness. Or else we'll be stuck back on that bloody ship. So off we go!" I said and grabbed my bow again.
"Katie...you're saying 'bloody' a lot," she said slowly, raises her eyebrows.
"I'm a pirate! See? The hats!" I explained and pointed at my hat.
"Riiight..."
"From now on, call my Captain Lavern. Savvy?" I instructed her, straightening my hat.
"Sure thing, Captain Lavern," she answered with a smirk.
"You learn well. You can be my first mate. First Mate Wallace!"
"Can I be First Mate Marker?"
"Savvy. Works for me. Come on me matey, lessgo!" I loaded my bow and let loose an arrow. It missed. Figures. Emily went ahead of me, brandishing her sword around like a mad woman. I made sure I stayed out of the way of it. Katie would like to not have her eye poked out, thanks.
Behind Emily I made sure no one came running at us again, while she held off the Orcs closer to us. It was a pretty efficient way to move.
"Can you see Elf Boy?" Emily shouted at me over the clanging of blades and yells.
"Erm..." I looked up from shooting arrows (which barely hit their targets mind you) and searched over the fighting men and Orcs to look for Legolas, or anyone recognizable. Suddenly, I spotted...ARAGORN! Yes, help has come! "LOOOOK! It's the king of Acorns! C'mon First Mate, we gotta go over there to him!" I grabbed Emily's arm and pulled her through the throng of bodies.
A few times we were narrowly clipped by swords or arrows. I swear, sometimes I could see our own side trying to kill us before they realized we weren't the enemy. Finally though, we got to Aragorn, who was sitting atop a horse, his sword unsheathed.
"Heeeeello my freaky da'lings! Care to tell two innocent little kids where we can find Legolas the Elf?" I yelled up at him, pulling on his shirt sleeve to catch his attention. He jerked around, sword raised, as though expecting I was an Orc attacking him or something.
"Katie? Emily?"
"Sup dude," Emily said with a grin.
"You two were supposed to stay away from the battle!" he cried. "Get back to the ship now! I can't have you two getting hurt, and I can't watch over you right now!" Someone didn't see Katie's boo-boo...He blocked an oncoming attack from an Orc and severed its head off.
"I'm not going back to the bloody ship," I snapped. "Besides, I need to give Legolas something."
"Whatever it is, give it to me! I'll make sure he gets it!" Aragorn answered hurriedly and extended his hand. I hesitated, then grudgingly handed him the knife.
"Happy, you Neon Nazi?" I growled and ducked as he swung his sword over my head to slice an Orc.
"Now get back to the ship!" he ordered. "NOW!" Emily opened her mouth to answer him, probably to protest, but someone he we separated from us. Great. Juuust great. Now we get to go find our way back by ourselves. I suppose we deserve it though. Seeing as how we got ourselves into this in the first place...
"C'mon Captain Lavern, maybe we should do what he said..." I wasn't really listening though. A big gray mass was trampling Orcs in order to make its way through. It looked veeery familiar...freakishly familiar. Why...IT'S MY HORSIES!!!
"EMILY, EMILY, EMILY! Look!! It's Obstinate Fool! He's coming to saaave us!" I cried and jumped up and down, oblivious to the battle before us. Emily paused and look up, then shoved me toward the horse. Obstinate Fool stopped in front of us and waited impatiently while we scrambled onto his back.
"I knew you loved me!" I told him as we settled ourselves on the horse. He just snorted, and tossed his head. "WESTWARD HO!"
"Where are we going, Captain?" Emily asked, stabbing at Orcs as we passed them. Most of the time her sword when through thin air. But I did hear something yell at least three times. So she wasn't totally worthless.
"Uhm...you know, I'm really not sure. I don't want to go back to the shippy," I said truthfully, ducking as an arrow whizzed toward my head.
"Doesn't your shoulder hurt though?" she asked from behind me.
"Of course it bloody hurts! But who cares?"
"Uhm...you know Katie...there are a lot more Orcs than last time..."
"I didn't notice," I muttered dryly. "Fine though; we'll go back to the bloody ship..."
"Thank you." No problem...I don't like seeing people getting killed...Not that I'd admit that out loud of course. So off we went toward the ship. Occasionally I actually shot something with my arrows, but those times were rare and few. When we were almost to the Anduin, I thought we were home free. Of course, I'm always wrong. Because I'm just like that.
"Katie, look, there's the shippy! C'mon, mates, LESSGO!" Emily yelled and slid off Obstinate Fool's back, running toward the ship.
"Maaaarker, wait for your Captain!' I yelled at her retreating back and urged Obstinate Fool into a faster pace. She was already almost there. Note I said almost. Which meant anyone could just come over and, oh say, POKE AN ARROW THROUGH HER. So, who wants to guess what happened?
Yeah. You're right.
"UH OH!! MAN OVER BOARD, MAN OVER BOARD! SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!!" I screamed and half fell half jumped off Obstinate Fool. "EMILY!!!!!!! ARE YOU BREATHING? ARE YOU ALIVE? YOU AREN'T DEAD ARE YOU? SAY SOMETHING YOU BLOODY FOOL!!! DON'T DROWN!"
She was lying on her side, an Orc arrow sticking out of her leg, near her thigh. I let out a cry of frustration and turned her over. This was not good!!! The criminal Orc had also disappeared, so I had no way to pull off a revenge stunt. Bloody Orc. Humph!
"EMILY, SPEAK TO ME!! Say something, anything! CAN YOU HEAR ME? COME BACK TO THE BLOODY LIGHT!!!!!" I shouted in her ear, rolling her over and shaking her shoulders. She moaned, and shoved me away.
"I...hate...you..."
"YAY!!!!" I cried. "YOU'RE ALIVE!!!"
"Of course I'm alive. It's only on my thigh. IT (censored material) HURTS THOUGH!" she yelled and beat the ground with her fists. I gave her a sympathetic look, before quickly grabbing the arrow shaft and pulling up. Big mistake. It snapped in half, which didn't help anything.
"Katie, just leave it! Leave it!" she managed to mutter. "Help me up!" We rose unsteadily, me supporting her, and made our way up to the ship. Obstinate Fool obediently (for once in his life) followed us up the gang plank onto it.
"Don't worry, First Mate Marker, you'll live."
"Yes, I know, Katie," she replied and rolled her eyes.
"It's Captain Lavern! Why can't you people get my bloody name right?"
"Excuse me, Captain Lavern."
"Thank you."
**********
"What-were-you-thinking?"
"I don't think. It hurts to think."
"KATIE!" he snapped and cleaned out the cut on my shoulder.
"For the last time, it's LAVERN. L-A-V-E-R-N!!!!!! God. I would expect this from someone who doesn't even know his own name..."
"I do know-oh never mind, I'm not arguing with you again. Hold still-" Legolas ordered and applied some salve to the cut.
"It burns!" I cried and struggled, but he kept a firm hold on my arm so I couldn't move away.
"Well, then you shouldn't have gone off into the battle."
"I didn't! I was simply returning your knifey thing to you!" I protested. He didn't appreciate my risking my life to return his pretty sharp knife to him! How rude!
"While running into battle," he added and dressed my shoulder up in a gauzy bandage. Ooh...soft gauze!
We were in the Houses of Healing, surrounded by injured Men and Elves. It didn't smell like a hospital, thank God, but worse things filled the air. Cries from the dying and injured were thick, and the smell of blood replaced the sterilized grossness of modern day hospital smells. It was not cool.
Emily and I hid away on the ship with Bonnie for God knows how long. I really didn't want to go anywhere else after that. I saw the Witch King passing over head toward the field, and I cringed inwardly. This was seriously not what I expected. Eventually the battle ended, and the Dead started to return to their ships, and we had to get off, unless we wanted to sail away with them. Which we didn't.
It took a while to get across the field. The three of us took turns riding Obstinate Fool. When afternoon rolled around, we were at the gates already. Some part of Katie's Brain that was coherent ordered me to find the Houses of Healing. See? Katie's Brain IS smart! Sometimes...
I asked a guard for directions, but he seemed to take pity on three innocent little girls (innocent. Hehe. Riiight.) and actually led us to the Houses of Healing. What a guy! Soon as we got there, the guard so nicely took Obstinate Fool to the stables, and Bonnie directed Emily and I to chairs. Shoulder cut hurty lots. Emily wasn't looking so good either. Her face was pale and pained, despite the fact that she insisted she was fine. My First Mate is an awful liar...
Bonnie disappeared at one point and came back later with one extremely angry Elf. And that's when the explosives went boom.
"It was for your own good."
"And it was for your own good that I made you promise to stay here!"
"You made me promise to stay here on the SHIP. It's a bloody BOAT, not a SHIP, therefore I can't stay on any SHIPS if there aren't any!" I explained.
"Captain Lavern should know what a ship is and what isn't! So she's right!" First Mate Marker added from where a woman was tending to the arrow wound in her thigh. "Ouch, that stings!"
"Aye mate. Listen to me First Mate Marker," I told Legolas. He simply sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Alright, you're set. Don't move that arm around too much unless you WANT to feel pain," he instructed and sat back in his chair. I settled my arm on the arm of the chair and grinned at him.
"Thank ye laddie."
"I'm not finished with you yet," he said and gathered up the first aid stuff, storing them in a cabinet over my head. "Now. I want an explanation. Don't both to lie or leave anything out; I'll know soon enough anyway."
"How would you?"
"Bonnie...she tells me lots of things," he said vaguely with a smirk. "Now, go on, tell me this tale you have of why you got off the ship."
"Okay, look, it's a boat, and...and...Did she tell you anything about me?" I asked suspiciously. When he didn't reply, I scowled at him and went on to tell him about how Emily found Mr. Knifey, and we just HAD to give it back. I mean, after all, the two knives BELONG together! So I told Legolas all this, and he sat there nodding and "mmm"ing.
"So...there you have it! MY LIFE STORY! THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Oh yeah, and this cut thing is all Marker's fault. Just sos you know," I added.
"Katie...if you EVER, I repeat, EVER, do that again, I will kill you myself," he reprimanded me. I shot him a dark look, and crossed my arms over my chest. What did he think I was, stupid? Don't answer that.
"I cannot be killed! Because! I have secret identity which will no longer be secret!" I proclaimed dramatically, my voice echoing in the hall slightly because...well...I have a loud voice. "Along with me being Captain Lavern the pirate, Bartholomew Dark Lord of the Daisy Balloons, and Lobbenschnoffen the Elf, I am...DORIAN GRAY!" Pause for a dramatic silence, and ta-da! They love me! Or not...
"What does your alter personality have anything to do with anything?" came a voice from behind me. Bonnie bounced over, hyper and-er-bouncy. She sat in the chair opposite from me, and looked expectantly for an answer.
"That's what I was wondering too," Legolas murmured and raised his eyebrows. Oh these fools...They do not know of the great Dorian Gray!
"Listen kids, and I will tell you a story."
"Don't make it about cigarette lighters and all that stuff like you did last time," Emily called and immediately winced as the woman tightened the bandage around her thigh. Hehehe...feel the burn, First Mate...Don't ask.
"You're done," the woman announced and handed Emily a glass of water. What's with the water? Oh well...
"It's not. Now, hush and maybe Elf Boy can learn some new vocabulary. Now. Legolas my dear," I said, turning to face him. "In my happy little world of modern day technology, we have this thing. It's called a movie."
"I know where this is going," Emily groaned. She buried her face in her hands.
"A movie is...like a moving picture, to put it simply. It's like a play, except you are able to watch it over and over again without the actors having to redo the whole thing. Are you getting this?" I asked. He nodded, looking mildly amused. "Okay, well, anyway. Once upon a few years ago, they came out with one of these movies. Was called League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, I believe, wasn't it Wallace?"
"No, it was Pooh Bear Goes Skiing in Hawaii."
"Anyway, this movie was based on all of these book characters going out to kick ass...And one of the book characters was Dorian Gray. Everyone thinks he's evil by the way because he pulled a Darth Vader, except he never came back to the Jedi side. But I firmly believe that he's still cool."
"You just like him because you think he looks like Orlando Bloom," Emily muttered.
"Hush up. This Dorian Gray dude is immortal, because he like sold his soul to the evil people or something like that, UNLESS he looks at his self portrait. See, since he is immortal, he stays healthy and ever young. But his portrait-it gets old with time. The only way he can die is if he looks at his portrait."
"Why is that?" Legolas asked, for some reason sounding interested. Wow...I'm a story teller! Go me!
"I dunno. Haven't read the book yet. Anyway, that's who Dorian Gray is."
"I still don't know what that has anything to do with anything," Bonnie said after a moment. I rubbed my eyes, scowling at her.
"IT MEANS IF YOU'RE DORIAN GRAY-IMMORTAL GUY-YOU CANNOT DIE BECAUSE YOU ARE IMMORTAL," I told her slowly and loudly, as though I was talking to a stupid person. Which, technically, I was, but eh, whatever.
"But you're not Dorian Gray. Because this person is obviously a character from a book," Elf Boy interrupted suddenly. I paused, thinking about this. Hey. He ruined my story! I am Dorian Gray, I swear!
"Yeah...well...book characters are real!"
"Not as far as I know!" I laughed out loud because guess who was a book character?
"You're one."
"I am not! I'm not fake! I'm real!" He seemed very insulted. Hm. Must make mental note not to say he's a book character.
"I'm a real boy," Emily said with a grin.
"Yes, I know you are. But you're not supposed to be. You're a book character! But you're not! I'm confused! STOP THAT!" I pointed a finger at him. "You're evil!" He simply stared at me hard. I stared back. He didn't blink once. I did.
"Katie lost the staring contest!" Bonnie cried and clapped her hands. "Fun, fun, fun!"
"Hey...annoying Elf?" Emily asked suddenly.
"What?"
"Is Aragorn king now?" she questioned.
"Yes...why?"
"Oh...just wondering...isn't he going to marry Arwen now?"
"Yes," he answered and cast her a suspicious look. "Why are you asking?"
"No reason...Are we invited to their wedding?" she inquired with a grin.
"A wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" I cried and threw my hands in the air. I was unable to resist quoting Captain Jack Sparrow. Quoting people is fun.
"Katie, please be quiet, for once in your life. And to answer your question, Emily, in all likely hood, Aragorn is not thinking about something like that at the moment," he said. I nodded wisely. Ah. Makes sense. The wise little Elf has spoke. Wait, what am I saying? He's not wise! He's evil! And annoying! I must have a fever...How could I think such a thing?
It must be a fever.
***********
Yay! Lavern is a pirate! Whoo hoo! I is happy!
I like this chapter. Probably because I get to be a pirate. Pirates are cool. I'm a pirate! O_o Yeah, sorry, I'm okay now.
Legolas stalker: Yay! People is happy! Yeah, I've seen it. People keep calling me a Bloomin Idiot, but who cares? I WILL SEE IT AGAIN! YAY!
Andray: I wants his hat. His hat is cool. Hehe, "nice hat!" Fun stuff! Me and Emily say "Good bye my freaky da'lings" and vise versa with the hello. It's fun!
Sunrunner of Summer: The puppy dog face always works! Okay, well, not on my mother...but...it will work on all Elves! Because people like Lavern! Thanks for reminding me to disclaim. I always forget that. BAD LAVERN!
Songelf88: You REALLY want to know? Okay. Well, here we go! Once upon a time a week or so ago, me and Emily were on Neopets (you know, that one site?). We were at the chat boards, role playing one of those weird Adopt An Animal thingies. Which are somewhat entertaining, I admit...But anyway. The creature we were talking to, her name was Ivy-totally Sue! So, we asked if we could call it Lavern. It said no. So, we tried to kill ourselves. Of course though, I *HAD* to bring Dorian Gray into everything, and I started ranting about how I was Dorian Gray and I wanted these people to bring me my portrait. Which they didn't. Bloody cretins. Anyway, they called me sadistic and so we left. It's fun to creep out those little kids! BWHAHAHA! *whimpers* I didn't MEAN to ignore Lupin...Spare me...*hugs Lupin* See? Lavern loves him too!
CHAPTER SIX
Owies. Owies, owies, owies. That bloody hurt. Literally. And it's all Emily's fault! A little moan escaped my lips. Someone shoot me now. Pleeeease! END THE PAIN!!!
"Emily...Remember...Socks love you...I never really hated you...Give me purple flowers at my wedding and make sure you cry for me at the mourning ceremony...Good bye..."
"Katie, get up, you're fine."
"Am not. That bloody asshole stabbed my shoulder! And it's all your fault! AND IT HURTS!" I cried. We'd taken refuge in behind a little boulder on the field. "I knew this was a bad idea. I knew it, I knew it, I KNEW IT!"
"Would you hold still? I can't tie this thingie while you're moving!" Emily snapped and ripped more cloth off her sleeve. She tied it around my shoulder in a make shift bandage.
"It hurts, Mommy...I want pain killers," I muttered and winced as she pulled hard on the ends of the cloth, making it tight around my shoulder. "Don't make it so tight!" She loosened the "bandage."
Yeah, it was all her fault...Gr...A while ago we were weaving our way in and out of the way of clashing swords, getting a little further toward Legolas each time we moved. But little things darting out from under your arms don't go unnoticed by Orcs for long. And so guess what happened? One decided, "Oh hey, look at those pathetic little girls running through the middle of a bloody battle! Let's stab the blonde one!"
Naturally, I couldn't let the little cretin kill my best friend. That would not be good. And besides, Who would I annoy besides Legolas? So, you see why I had to save her sorry ass. Of course, in the process, this also caused the Orc to stab ME instead of HER. No where fatal, of course, I wasn't going to let it plunge some sword into my heart or anything. But I'll have you know being stabbed in the shoulder HURTS.
"There. That should work for now. Okay, what are we gonna do now?" she asked, sitting back against the rock's surface. I gave her the look. Honestly, what kind of question is that?
"Emily..." I said like I was talking to a simpleton. "Tell me, why did we risk our lives in the first place?"
"To give Legolas his stupid knife, which I'll bet he doesn't need at all," she answered. I smacked her head.
"It gives us something to do. Not that I like plunging into a battle and nearly dying, but at least we're not bored. Now, back to the topic! We mine as well finish our little quest to return the Sacred Knife to the Annoying Elf Of Nothingness. Or else we'll be stuck back on that bloody ship. So off we go!" I said and grabbed my bow again.
"Katie...you're saying 'bloody' a lot," she said slowly, raises her eyebrows.
"I'm a pirate! See? The hats!" I explained and pointed at my hat.
"Riiight..."
"From now on, call my Captain Lavern. Savvy?" I instructed her, straightening my hat.
"Sure thing, Captain Lavern," she answered with a smirk.
"You learn well. You can be my first mate. First Mate Wallace!"
"Can I be First Mate Marker?"
"Savvy. Works for me. Come on me matey, lessgo!" I loaded my bow and let loose an arrow. It missed. Figures. Emily went ahead of me, brandishing her sword around like a mad woman. I made sure I stayed out of the way of it. Katie would like to not have her eye poked out, thanks.
Behind Emily I made sure no one came running at us again, while she held off the Orcs closer to us. It was a pretty efficient way to move.
"Can you see Elf Boy?" Emily shouted at me over the clanging of blades and yells.
"Erm..." I looked up from shooting arrows (which barely hit their targets mind you) and searched over the fighting men and Orcs to look for Legolas, or anyone recognizable. Suddenly, I spotted...ARAGORN! Yes, help has come! "LOOOOK! It's the king of Acorns! C'mon First Mate, we gotta go over there to him!" I grabbed Emily's arm and pulled her through the throng of bodies.
A few times we were narrowly clipped by swords or arrows. I swear, sometimes I could see our own side trying to kill us before they realized we weren't the enemy. Finally though, we got to Aragorn, who was sitting atop a horse, his sword unsheathed.
"Heeeeello my freaky da'lings! Care to tell two innocent little kids where we can find Legolas the Elf?" I yelled up at him, pulling on his shirt sleeve to catch his attention. He jerked around, sword raised, as though expecting I was an Orc attacking him or something.
"Katie? Emily?"
"Sup dude," Emily said with a grin.
"You two were supposed to stay away from the battle!" he cried. "Get back to the ship now! I can't have you two getting hurt, and I can't watch over you right now!" Someone didn't see Katie's boo-boo...He blocked an oncoming attack from an Orc and severed its head off.
"I'm not going back to the bloody ship," I snapped. "Besides, I need to give Legolas something."
"Whatever it is, give it to me! I'll make sure he gets it!" Aragorn answered hurriedly and extended his hand. I hesitated, then grudgingly handed him the knife.
"Happy, you Neon Nazi?" I growled and ducked as he swung his sword over my head to slice an Orc.
"Now get back to the ship!" he ordered. "NOW!" Emily opened her mouth to answer him, probably to protest, but someone he we separated from us. Great. Juuust great. Now we get to go find our way back by ourselves. I suppose we deserve it though. Seeing as how we got ourselves into this in the first place...
"C'mon Captain Lavern, maybe we should do what he said..." I wasn't really listening though. A big gray mass was trampling Orcs in order to make its way through. It looked veeery familiar...freakishly familiar. Why...IT'S MY HORSIES!!!
"EMILY, EMILY, EMILY! Look!! It's Obstinate Fool! He's coming to saaave us!" I cried and jumped up and down, oblivious to the battle before us. Emily paused and look up, then shoved me toward the horse. Obstinate Fool stopped in front of us and waited impatiently while we scrambled onto his back.
"I knew you loved me!" I told him as we settled ourselves on the horse. He just snorted, and tossed his head. "WESTWARD HO!"
"Where are we going, Captain?" Emily asked, stabbing at Orcs as we passed them. Most of the time her sword when through thin air. But I did hear something yell at least three times. So she wasn't totally worthless.
"Uhm...you know, I'm really not sure. I don't want to go back to the shippy," I said truthfully, ducking as an arrow whizzed toward my head.
"Doesn't your shoulder hurt though?" she asked from behind me.
"Of course it bloody hurts! But who cares?"
"Uhm...you know Katie...there are a lot more Orcs than last time..."
"I didn't notice," I muttered dryly. "Fine though; we'll go back to the bloody ship..."
"Thank you." No problem...I don't like seeing people getting killed...Not that I'd admit that out loud of course. So off we went toward the ship. Occasionally I actually shot something with my arrows, but those times were rare and few. When we were almost to the Anduin, I thought we were home free. Of course, I'm always wrong. Because I'm just like that.
"Katie, look, there's the shippy! C'mon, mates, LESSGO!" Emily yelled and slid off Obstinate Fool's back, running toward the ship.
"Maaaarker, wait for your Captain!' I yelled at her retreating back and urged Obstinate Fool into a faster pace. She was already almost there. Note I said almost. Which meant anyone could just come over and, oh say, POKE AN ARROW THROUGH HER. So, who wants to guess what happened?
Yeah. You're right.
"UH OH!! MAN OVER BOARD, MAN OVER BOARD! SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!!" I screamed and half fell half jumped off Obstinate Fool. "EMILY!!!!!!! ARE YOU BREATHING? ARE YOU ALIVE? YOU AREN'T DEAD ARE YOU? SAY SOMETHING YOU BLOODY FOOL!!! DON'T DROWN!"
She was lying on her side, an Orc arrow sticking out of her leg, near her thigh. I let out a cry of frustration and turned her over. This was not good!!! The criminal Orc had also disappeared, so I had no way to pull off a revenge stunt. Bloody Orc. Humph!
"EMILY, SPEAK TO ME!! Say something, anything! CAN YOU HEAR ME? COME BACK TO THE BLOODY LIGHT!!!!!" I shouted in her ear, rolling her over and shaking her shoulders. She moaned, and shoved me away.
"I...hate...you..."
"YAY!!!!" I cried. "YOU'RE ALIVE!!!"
"Of course I'm alive. It's only on my thigh. IT (censored material) HURTS THOUGH!" she yelled and beat the ground with her fists. I gave her a sympathetic look, before quickly grabbing the arrow shaft and pulling up. Big mistake. It snapped in half, which didn't help anything.
"Katie, just leave it! Leave it!" she managed to mutter. "Help me up!" We rose unsteadily, me supporting her, and made our way up to the ship. Obstinate Fool obediently (for once in his life) followed us up the gang plank onto it.
"Don't worry, First Mate Marker, you'll live."
"Yes, I know, Katie," she replied and rolled her eyes.
"It's Captain Lavern! Why can't you people get my bloody name right?"
"Excuse me, Captain Lavern."
"Thank you."
**********
"What-were-you-thinking?"
"I don't think. It hurts to think."
"KATIE!" he snapped and cleaned out the cut on my shoulder.
"For the last time, it's LAVERN. L-A-V-E-R-N!!!!!! God. I would expect this from someone who doesn't even know his own name..."
"I do know-oh never mind, I'm not arguing with you again. Hold still-" Legolas ordered and applied some salve to the cut.
"It burns!" I cried and struggled, but he kept a firm hold on my arm so I couldn't move away.
"Well, then you shouldn't have gone off into the battle."
"I didn't! I was simply returning your knifey thing to you!" I protested. He didn't appreciate my risking my life to return his pretty sharp knife to him! How rude!
"While running into battle," he added and dressed my shoulder up in a gauzy bandage. Ooh...soft gauze!
We were in the Houses of Healing, surrounded by injured Men and Elves. It didn't smell like a hospital, thank God, but worse things filled the air. Cries from the dying and injured were thick, and the smell of blood replaced the sterilized grossness of modern day hospital smells. It was not cool.
Emily and I hid away on the ship with Bonnie for God knows how long. I really didn't want to go anywhere else after that. I saw the Witch King passing over head toward the field, and I cringed inwardly. This was seriously not what I expected. Eventually the battle ended, and the Dead started to return to their ships, and we had to get off, unless we wanted to sail away with them. Which we didn't.
It took a while to get across the field. The three of us took turns riding Obstinate Fool. When afternoon rolled around, we were at the gates already. Some part of Katie's Brain that was coherent ordered me to find the Houses of Healing. See? Katie's Brain IS smart! Sometimes...
I asked a guard for directions, but he seemed to take pity on three innocent little girls (innocent. Hehe. Riiight.) and actually led us to the Houses of Healing. What a guy! Soon as we got there, the guard so nicely took Obstinate Fool to the stables, and Bonnie directed Emily and I to chairs. Shoulder cut hurty lots. Emily wasn't looking so good either. Her face was pale and pained, despite the fact that she insisted she was fine. My First Mate is an awful liar...
Bonnie disappeared at one point and came back later with one extremely angry Elf. And that's when the explosives went boom.
"It was for your own good."
"And it was for your own good that I made you promise to stay here!"
"You made me promise to stay here on the SHIP. It's a bloody BOAT, not a SHIP, therefore I can't stay on any SHIPS if there aren't any!" I explained.
"Captain Lavern should know what a ship is and what isn't! So she's right!" First Mate Marker added from where a woman was tending to the arrow wound in her thigh. "Ouch, that stings!"
"Aye mate. Listen to me First Mate Marker," I told Legolas. He simply sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Alright, you're set. Don't move that arm around too much unless you WANT to feel pain," he instructed and sat back in his chair. I settled my arm on the arm of the chair and grinned at him.
"Thank ye laddie."
"I'm not finished with you yet," he said and gathered up the first aid stuff, storing them in a cabinet over my head. "Now. I want an explanation. Don't both to lie or leave anything out; I'll know soon enough anyway."
"How would you?"
"Bonnie...she tells me lots of things," he said vaguely with a smirk. "Now, go on, tell me this tale you have of why you got off the ship."
"Okay, look, it's a boat, and...and...Did she tell you anything about me?" I asked suspiciously. When he didn't reply, I scowled at him and went on to tell him about how Emily found Mr. Knifey, and we just HAD to give it back. I mean, after all, the two knives BELONG together! So I told Legolas all this, and he sat there nodding and "mmm"ing.
"So...there you have it! MY LIFE STORY! THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Oh yeah, and this cut thing is all Marker's fault. Just sos you know," I added.
"Katie...if you EVER, I repeat, EVER, do that again, I will kill you myself," he reprimanded me. I shot him a dark look, and crossed my arms over my chest. What did he think I was, stupid? Don't answer that.
"I cannot be killed! Because! I have secret identity which will no longer be secret!" I proclaimed dramatically, my voice echoing in the hall slightly because...well...I have a loud voice. "Along with me being Captain Lavern the pirate, Bartholomew Dark Lord of the Daisy Balloons, and Lobbenschnoffen the Elf, I am...DORIAN GRAY!" Pause for a dramatic silence, and ta-da! They love me! Or not...
"What does your alter personality have anything to do with anything?" came a voice from behind me. Bonnie bounced over, hyper and-er-bouncy. She sat in the chair opposite from me, and looked expectantly for an answer.
"That's what I was wondering too," Legolas murmured and raised his eyebrows. Oh these fools...They do not know of the great Dorian Gray!
"Listen kids, and I will tell you a story."
"Don't make it about cigarette lighters and all that stuff like you did last time," Emily called and immediately winced as the woman tightened the bandage around her thigh. Hehehe...feel the burn, First Mate...Don't ask.
"You're done," the woman announced and handed Emily a glass of water. What's with the water? Oh well...
"It's not. Now, hush and maybe Elf Boy can learn some new vocabulary. Now. Legolas my dear," I said, turning to face him. "In my happy little world of modern day technology, we have this thing. It's called a movie."
"I know where this is going," Emily groaned. She buried her face in her hands.
"A movie is...like a moving picture, to put it simply. It's like a play, except you are able to watch it over and over again without the actors having to redo the whole thing. Are you getting this?" I asked. He nodded, looking mildly amused. "Okay, well, anyway. Once upon a few years ago, they came out with one of these movies. Was called League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, I believe, wasn't it Wallace?"
"No, it was Pooh Bear Goes Skiing in Hawaii."
"Anyway, this movie was based on all of these book characters going out to kick ass...And one of the book characters was Dorian Gray. Everyone thinks he's evil by the way because he pulled a Darth Vader, except he never came back to the Jedi side. But I firmly believe that he's still cool."
"You just like him because you think he looks like Orlando Bloom," Emily muttered.
"Hush up. This Dorian Gray dude is immortal, because he like sold his soul to the evil people or something like that, UNLESS he looks at his self portrait. See, since he is immortal, he stays healthy and ever young. But his portrait-it gets old with time. The only way he can die is if he looks at his portrait."
"Why is that?" Legolas asked, for some reason sounding interested. Wow...I'm a story teller! Go me!
"I dunno. Haven't read the book yet. Anyway, that's who Dorian Gray is."
"I still don't know what that has anything to do with anything," Bonnie said after a moment. I rubbed my eyes, scowling at her.
"IT MEANS IF YOU'RE DORIAN GRAY-IMMORTAL GUY-YOU CANNOT DIE BECAUSE YOU ARE IMMORTAL," I told her slowly and loudly, as though I was talking to a stupid person. Which, technically, I was, but eh, whatever.
"But you're not Dorian Gray. Because this person is obviously a character from a book," Elf Boy interrupted suddenly. I paused, thinking about this. Hey. He ruined my story! I am Dorian Gray, I swear!
"Yeah...well...book characters are real!"
"Not as far as I know!" I laughed out loud because guess who was a book character?
"You're one."
"I am not! I'm not fake! I'm real!" He seemed very insulted. Hm. Must make mental note not to say he's a book character.
"I'm a real boy," Emily said with a grin.
"Yes, I know you are. But you're not supposed to be. You're a book character! But you're not! I'm confused! STOP THAT!" I pointed a finger at him. "You're evil!" He simply stared at me hard. I stared back. He didn't blink once. I did.
"Katie lost the staring contest!" Bonnie cried and clapped her hands. "Fun, fun, fun!"
"Hey...annoying Elf?" Emily asked suddenly.
"What?"
"Is Aragorn king now?" she questioned.
"Yes...why?"
"Oh...just wondering...isn't he going to marry Arwen now?"
"Yes," he answered and cast her a suspicious look. "Why are you asking?"
"No reason...Are we invited to their wedding?" she inquired with a grin.
"A wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" I cried and threw my hands in the air. I was unable to resist quoting Captain Jack Sparrow. Quoting people is fun.
"Katie, please be quiet, for once in your life. And to answer your question, Emily, in all likely hood, Aragorn is not thinking about something like that at the moment," he said. I nodded wisely. Ah. Makes sense. The wise little Elf has spoke. Wait, what am I saying? He's not wise! He's evil! And annoying! I must have a fever...How could I think such a thing?
It must be a fever.
***********
Yay! Lavern is a pirate! Whoo hoo! I is happy!
I like this chapter. Probably because I get to be a pirate. Pirates are cool. I'm a pirate! O_o Yeah, sorry, I'm okay now.
Legolas stalker: Yay! People is happy! Yeah, I've seen it. People keep calling me a Bloomin Idiot, but who cares? I WILL SEE IT AGAIN! YAY!
Andray: I wants his hat. His hat is cool. Hehe, "nice hat!" Fun stuff! Me and Emily say "Good bye my freaky da'lings" and vise versa with the hello. It's fun!
Sunrunner of Summer: The puppy dog face always works! Okay, well, not on my mother...but...it will work on all Elves! Because people like Lavern! Thanks for reminding me to disclaim. I always forget that. BAD LAVERN!
Songelf88: You REALLY want to know? Okay. Well, here we go! Once upon a time a week or so ago, me and Emily were on Neopets (you know, that one site?). We were at the chat boards, role playing one of those weird Adopt An Animal thingies. Which are somewhat entertaining, I admit...But anyway. The creature we were talking to, her name was Ivy-totally Sue! So, we asked if we could call it Lavern. It said no. So, we tried to kill ourselves. Of course though, I *HAD* to bring Dorian Gray into everything, and I started ranting about how I was Dorian Gray and I wanted these people to bring me my portrait. Which they didn't. Bloody cretins. Anyway, they called me sadistic and so we left. It's fun to creep out those little kids! BWHAHAHA! *whimpers* I didn't MEAN to ignore Lupin...Spare me...*hugs Lupin* See? Lavern loves him too!