Chapter 38
"...S...Seras...so...good of you to come..." He said politely, turning his head around first followed by his body, his eyes looked bloodshot and sleep-deprived. Seras raised an eyebrow, her eyes wide with confusion and sadness.
"Master.……What was that?" She remembered saying to him that she didn't want to know, but now...she felt like if she didn't know, she would be confused and wondering forever.
Alucard stared at her dumbly, not exactly his old self again yet; he was too weirded out from what he attempted to do to her. His inner turmoil made it hard just to look at her, aside for talking. His eyes sill barely registered her presence.
"...W-what was what...Seras?...C-can't I just be happy to see you?..." His voice sounded awkward to himself. Seras just burst.
"Master!!" She cried out in frustration, with herself and him, too. "Who was that?...Before...I don't get it...I know it was not you...but...it was like you...but...it wasn't...I was scared, but I was also a little confident...that it wasn't you...that wasn't the same Alucard I know..." She rambled on and on, talking, saying things...anything...explaining the dilemma.
The only thing Alucard wanted to do was hide himself again; he debated to just turn back around and continue staring at the wall, but he couldn't, he owed her something at least. So he turned his body towards her more, lying full on his back, and making sure his hair still covered him decently. His eyes were still reddened as he tried his best to look at her, but his eyes rather settled to look at the floor; he couldn't face her.
"I...I understand your frustration, Seras...It is not easy to explain..." He paused, continuing with a firm voice that he mustered up.
"It was me...it was who I was when I was made, taught in the darkness of Dracula's castle; a cunning bastard.….That thing you saw is my demon...when you become a vampire, a demon takes your soul and becomes you...that was the demon. It never leaves; I have learned to control him, but sometimes...that is the problem with us ancient vampires, ancient demons as well..."
Seras stood in place, motionless and speechless. But she recovered herself slowly, trying to break him, as well as herself, out of their shock...with a few words. Hey, it was worth a try.
"B-but...I'm okay...you are...I did not break..." She looked down at him, her hands propped her front part of her body up as they rested on the edge of the mattress. "...Sure, I was shaken up...I was scared...I didn't know what was going on...I'm still as childish as I was..." She raised her head. "And don't you tell me not to dwell in the present? Well, I think that goes for the past, too...master...what has happened has happened..." Her voice trailed off to silence.
She remembered during the encounter, she was strong-willed despite her utter fear. She held herself together; instead of falling apart as she used to do...she was growing stronger. Alucard looked at her, as if to see her for what she really was.
It was enough to bring him some sense.
His eyes turned a darker color of red as he could now focus correctly on Seras; he was silent for a moment, thinking.
/...Is that why I like her so much…she is still so human, frail, like she was then...and not completely taken over yet by the thirst...the demon of our kind that we become.../
He tried to smile a little, though the subject was desolate. "...Seras...You cannot release what you do not know lies within you..." He sighed slightly. "...That is why you did not become enraged to a demon...You do not understand your own darkness...You like to kill off the bad vampires, but the demon has no pity, so you are safe until you find it.….I was tricked to become it...the vampire's darkness has changed, yours is not like mine," He looked to the floor again, not really having much else to say; he still can't explain everything because, like everything, there is always more to it than there seems to be.
Seras nodded, making sense of what he was saying, and she decided to be brave for her sake and his; taking one hand that propped her up, her right hand, she touched the side of his face lightly, trying not to rush into things too quickly. She just wanted to ease into things slowly, and she was trying her best to get him out of his slump.
"Master...Alucard, it is alright..."
He looked surprised at her, his eyes growing a little wider as this simple movement of her wrist forced him to look straight at her. He shook his head away still, and looked at her plainly. No sarcasm; rather more lost than usual.
"How...how can you still be near me after that?!...It burns deep just to see you...and now this..."
Her eyes, when looked into, were like deep red holes that were unending, and her face had grown expressionless and totally unreadable. In the back of her mind she knew she was afraid, yes...afraid...but she just had to be strong for the both of them, if one of them refused to be.
"Because..." Her hand left his face, getting the idea that he didn't want it there. "I want to be here."
And again he looked back to her, his eyes wavering a little and his face full of worries. They were plain to see now, though emotionless in his strength, which was still not fully recovered.
"...Why would you want to be with a monster like me...one who can't even control his actions..." He trailed off, barely able to talk and his last word catching in his throat. She raised her right hand again, bringing it close to his face and let it hover for a moment, as if hesitating.
"Master..." She brushed away some of his bangs that covered his eye so she could see both of his eyes, and so that he could see well. "...That's better...now..." She smiled meekly, feeling somewhat like she was taking care of him; she still felt pretty unstable inside of her, but she knew...she would be able to get over this. She would be strong...she had to for her master.
"Alucard...look at me..." Her face was relaxed, her eyes showed emotion for the first time since she walked in, also determination and belief that she, that both of them, could get over this. He was strong, she was confident...so she had to be confident that she could trust him to be strong.
Giving in, Alucard looked to the side and turned his eyes straight at Seras, his eyes still reddened with this, these human emotions that he had not felt for some time.
Silent, he looked at her, motionless as well as if absorbing what she was trying to do. He respected her for it all, and still he loathed himself for not being able to even look at her...
Her voice was quiet, like soothing the savage beast. "Just calm down...I am okay...I will get over it...because if I don't, I will only become weaker and just even more unworthy."
He looked at her slightly dumbstruck and thought after a moment: In front of me is this wonderful person who is trying to comfort me...How can I be so naive?
This thought of understanding washed through him, his eyes contracting to what they are normally, the same familiar red tint with the same warmth and wisdom, and he found himself to be able to grin in appreciation.
"...No, Seras...I am the one who is unworthy...I am being so caught up in the past that I fail to see what is in front of me...you..."
Seras' smile grew bigger as she slowly pulled her master out of his slump. She felt like their roles had been switched for the moment. "...Master Alucard...the past...is behind us..." She thought for a moment, something coming very clear.
"If the past was the present, we'd be worrying about it now...but the past was before...and the present is after...and like you say: 'if anything, worry about the future'...hm?"
He slowly broke out of his shell, looking at her amused-like with his red eyes gleaming as they once did. Again, his grin grew wider as she finally started to understand...
"Hmmm...The future is a far away thing, Seras...that's why you must worry about it...the past is known, the present is active...but the future; now that's inconsistent...nothing can be fully written, except of course, death..." He said with a glint in his eyes. Besides the fact that he was trying to bring himself back, he was still struggling inside.
Seras blinked and nodded. "That's true..." She patted the side of his face, grinning almost cheerfully. "Oi, yer grinning!" She said out of mock-amazement, though to her it was very transparent...
He tried to move his hand again to go across her back, but thought against it. Besides, as he tried to lift his arm it only fell back down, lacking his usual strength. His energy was wasted on trying to stay sane long enough to talk to her civilized; his grin remained as his eyes concentrated on her.
"Hmmm..." He made a bold remark. "I am grinning because I am with you...and I am not going to waste the time I have left on pain and regret..."
Seras' smile lowered as she spoke, her eyes turning serious. "Master...You are happy to see me..." It was neither a question nor a statement, rather a realization to herself, and Alucard grinned in return, looking calmly at her the way he used to...showing appreciation and warmth for her.
But this time with a little of something else: warning, slight fear, and maybe something more. Mustering up the rest of his strength he had in his arms he managed to swing both around her back, holding his hands together in the middle so they'd stay in place as they hung limply again. He winced slightly and his grin faltered at her remark.
"Do you think I would not be happy to see you, Seras..."
"I think you would."
There was nothing more Alucard wanted less than a repeat of what happened. So he merely glared warmly at her, his red eyes showing depth and mystery. As if there was a gust of cold wind in the room that just blew by, he realized suddenly that he was without clothes and only protected by his tangled mass of black hair like a blanket. He looked into space slightly awkward for a moment, then back up to Seras' face bashfully.
"Eh...Seras...It's kind of cold...and unless you want to be my blanket, I think I may need some clothes..." Men. Always a one-track mind!
She shook her head, gritting her teeth to shake herself out of it. "Ne...Should I get Walter-san? Or do you have clothes in here...?" She turned her head slightly to the left and right, looking around the room quick. It looked pretty bare, except for his mushroom hat, glasses, and diary resting on the centre table neatly.
Alucard followed Seras' gaze around the room, ending eventually with his gaze residing on her face.
"Hmmm..." His eyes blazed in remembrance. "Walter always has extra conveniently in his wardrobe..." He looked longingly at the door for a second, then to Seras. "...He should either be in his study or attending my master."
"Then I'll go find Walter...Hmmm?" She said, wondering if she'd have to drag him out as she walked, because his arms still draped around her back.
He looked up at her and smiled lightly, her image reflecting in his deep red eyes. "That will do...I would come if I could..." He looked down at himself quickly as if indicating then dragged his gaze back up to her again. "...But I do not feel like walking around in the nude..."
Seras laughed for the first, real time since a couple nights ago, grinning.
"I think people will question if you were trailing behind me buck-naked," She sniggered at the thought. "Besides...You're weak, and y'need rest...So I'll go."
He looked at her longingly for a moment, and then slid his arms from around her back with difficulty, and they fell to his sides again. He smirked as she walked to the door.
"Well, maybe another time, Seras...I would love to see the look on Integra's face..."
She turned her head as her hand folded around the knob, slightly opening the door. "I think she would be quite shocked at you...though, at me, she'd probably want to kill me..." She noted the pun she made on her killing the already undead, sweatdropped, and left.
Alucard watched her leave, longing to go with her, but knowing he couldn't. Part of him knew she would probably needed a few minutes to herself to collect...a lot had happened to her in such a short time.
His eyes glazed over as he stared at the ceiling above, his face turning expressionless before grinning a little.
"...That would be amusing..."