CHAPTER EIGHT

You know, no one really ever told me much about Mordor. I mean, I knew it was where Sauron was, and it was infested with Orcs, and reeked of death and pain. But you never really realize how gory and gross it sounds until a certain someone named Aragorn says that you are going to take a nice little vacation right into that place, and right up to the Black Gates, which are basically SAURONS'S DOORSTEP!

And you really don't notice how scary it could be. Marching right up to the gates and launching an attack on them, I mean. Or how crazy it could be, whichever way you want to look at it. So when this Aragorn fellow tells you that's exactly what we're going to do, what do you think I did?

Was I freaked?

You bet.

I mean, it's not everyday he comes over and says that he and Legolas and Gimli and all those other people are going to Mordor. I was so expecting it. But not quite in the way he put it. A day after our little reunion with Merry and Pippin, Emily and I were in a heated argument in my room about which was better, tooth paste or Listerine. Don't ask. I had no idea where Bonnie was, so don't ask about her either.

"Listen up you two," he ordered and sat down in a vacant chair.

"Sup dude? Do you need to relieve some dark secret to us?" I asked teasingly. All in good humor of course.

"Actually yes." And so all I could remember thinking was that, "holy shit, someone died!"

"Who got killed?" Emily asked, voicing my thoughts. Somedays I think that girl could read minds...But he laughed at that a little, and shook his head.

"No one died. Are you really expecting the worst?"

"Of course we are! When you say 'listen up you two' instead of 'stop talking or I'm going to drown you in the Anduin' it means something important has happened!" I cried. It's true...And he had threatened us with that a few times. So I had good reason to worry.

"Actually, I came to tell you that tomorrow I am riding out with the army of the West, to Mordor. Gimli and Legolas have decided to ride with me, and now I am giving you the choice too. You can stay here, or go with us. I won't try to make the decision for you." He seemed to really not like the prospect of letting us come. Sour beach bum...

"Well of course we're coming. I mean, think of all the times we've saved you!" Emily said. For some reason I didn't hear the first part of the sentence.

"...what times?" he asked, smirking a little.

"Lotsa times, old chum! Don't you remember? You probably don't...Merry tried to pellet you with stones once. And I stopped him from rocking you to death," I lied. Of course nothing of the sort happened. But I am a dishonest person! It's not my fault!

"Oh really? Why do I find that hard to believe?"

"Because...because...you were raised to think all loons were evil, heartless fiends who want nothing more than to see you wandering around with all your skin peeled off!"

"That is not a pleasant thought, Katie. You know, I once heard someone say children had beautiful minds," he mused suddenly. I raised my eyebrow at the abrupt change in topic. "That person must not have met either of you, for surely if he had he would not have made such an assumption."

"We have beautiful minds! Really we do! Katie is a very good writer," Emily objected, then paused. "But then again, some of the things she writes are some what angsty...and tragic...and...yeah. But she still, she has a beautiful soul." I do? Since when?

"Emily, you need not lie," Aragorn told her, and he started to laugh a little.

"Oh fine. I will speak my mind! She is an awful cruel person who likes to think about killing off all my favorite characters in her fics, and usually DOES kill them off! I hate her guts!" she said loudly. I glared at her. That was where she was wrong! I didn't kill them all!"

"I do not!"

"Yeah, well, then why do I distinctly remember you saying, 'Emily, would you be mad if I killed Wren?' a while ago? HM? Answer that, cheese head!"

"I just wanted to see your reaction..."

"And then you tried killed her."

"'Twas for the good of the fic."

"No it wasn't!"

"Was too!" What did she know anyway? My fic, my rules. Right? Right. Don't argue with the Katie Person, or you risk her wrath. And no one wants to do such a horrible thing, right? RIGHT!

"Would you two please stop arguing an give me a straight answer?" Aragorn interrupted, breaking us away from another of our petty debates. Well, petty to him at least. They were really very important. The entire weight of the Banana Republic rested upon the outcome of the debates. But only we knew that. Because the Banana Republic trusted us and only us with that secret.

"I told you, of course we were coming!" Emily reminded him. She did? WHEN? Why wasn't I told about this meeting with the President? Scratch that last part...

"We are?" She sighed and rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"Yes, Katie dear, we are going. Do you think we'd stay here?"

"Yeah, well, getting stabbed in the shoulder can make you think about things like life. And how easily we could die," I informed her, raising my eyebrows. Was I the only sane one here?

"Of course I thought of that. But we can take care of ourselves. And we can fight decently enough." Apparently I was.

"'Decently enough?'" I repeated slowly. "DECENTLY ENOUGH? Let's not forget how many times you nearly hacked my head off with your sword! Or how many times while I was shooting behind us, I almost nailed you with my arrows! Or, hey, dude, remember that time not so very long ago that you nearly KILLED yourself and would have DIED had I not shoved you out of the way! And yet STILL I got an owie and it BLOODY HURT! SO DON'T TELL ME WE FIGHT DECENTLY!"

I honestly had no idea WHY I was telling her we were all around pathetic warriors. I mean, normally people try to defend their pride. But also, normally people aren't going off to Mordor. And Mordor certainly was not a walk in the park. It had dangerous Tyrannosaurus, Spinosaurus, and Veloceraptors! It's not just a walk in the park, ooooh no. THE GIANT LIZARD BIRDS IN CAGES WILL KILL YOU! NOOO!! BILLY, NOOO!!! DON'T GO HANG GLIDING!!! Not just a walk in the park—it's Jurassic Park.

Er. Yeah...You get the point....

The point IS, in case you haven't got it, is that Mordor is not a little battle where we can crawl off to safety. It is, actually, a looooong way from any safety. So I really didn't want to go there. But of course EMILY, little genius as she is, of COURSE wants to kill herself, so therefore, it looks like we're about to go to Mordor!

"That's the risk we took. Pleeeeaaaase Katie? PLEASE? If you DON'T go, you'll be a little weak Mary Sue who's scared—"

"Wrong, wrong, WRONG! In truth, Mary Sues believe they are all-powerful, all knowing, and quite bluntly, invincible. I, however, know that I can certainly DIE, so I do not go TROUNCING off to Mordor right up to Sauron's DOORSTEP, asking him to buy GIRLSCOUT COOKIES!!!!!" I explained loudly, my voice rising. No one listens to me! They don't get what I'm saying at all!

"But we're NOT selling cookies! We're going to kick his ass, Katie dear! You must listen!" she cried in exasperation.

"We mind as well be!"

"But didn't you say in the book they w—"

"QUIET!" I yelled and covered her mouth. God! She almost gave the ending away to Norman, who was in fact still watching us, looking very entertained. People seem to find our arguing amusing, for some odd reason. But that's not the point. The point is, is that Emily nearly blew our cover!

"Sorry! Jeez, you don't have to scream, Katie," she muttered and batted my hand away.

"Do too. You were about to let the Empire know ALL of our Rebel secrets!" I hissed. Her ignorance is scaring me. Of COURSE I had to shout.

"Stop that, you're channeling Star Wars again," she warned.

"Oh, am I? Sorry," I apologized. I keep doing that...

"It's okay."

"What were we talking about before?"

"Mordor," she reminded me.

"Oh yeah. Well, anyway—" This was going to take a lot of debating to make her see my ways...

**************

I. Hate. Emily.

'Nough said.

Guess where Katie was. Go on, GUESS!!!! Nevermind, I'll just tell you. I was riding Obstinate Fool, covered in armor (Aragorn's orders, not mine) and listening to Emily singing her rendition of the Sponge Bob song. Bonnie had stayed in Gondor, deciding she'd rather live longer to be over twenty. Smart girl.

"WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? SPONGE BOB DAIQUIRI!!!"

"SHUT—UP."

"N—O!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"MAKE ME!" I turned around in the saddle and gave her a shoved. She grabbed onto me, trying to stay on the horse and not fall off. I shot her a glare as she straightened, and turned around, fixing my eyes on Obstinate Fool's ears.

"You really shouldn't be so cruel to her, old chap," Harold said softly from my shoulder. I gave him the look, like I had been giving everyone today. Of course I was pissed off. I was on a suicidal mission! It was fun the first time. Okay, well, not FUN exactly, but interesting. The second time it wasn't that bad, and I got battle scars. But THREE times? I don't think so. One such as myself cannot go into battle THREE times and not be pissed.

"Yes I should. It's all her fault we're going to die," I muttered. And I spoke the truth! The likely chances of us living are almost zero to none. And this time there was no shippy to run back to when we got hurt!

"You mustn't be so pessimistic. You may live. You probably will. Just stick close to that Blonde Abhorrence," he suggested cheerfully. Easy for him to say. HE'S going to stay nice and safe in my saddle bags! Humph...

"Legolas isn't an abhorrence. Emily is the abhorrence," I murmured and she poked me in the back. Who cares if she can hear me diss her...I feel like being mean.

"No, I think not. He is really very rude."

"Of course he's rude, it's LEGOLAS we're talking about. But he's not THAT bad. He doesn't FORCE people to go to their deaths," I said the last part loudly and pointedly to Emily. She let out a cry of frustration.

"I still don't like the Elf."

"You're stupid then."

"I AM NOT STUPID!" the dandelion cried in horror. Dandelions look funny when they get all proud and stuck up looking, right after they've been insulted. But that was the least thing on my mind.

"You're right. You're not stupid. EMILY IS!" I directed it to Emily again.

"God, MAKE UP YOUR MIND! All those other times you were like, 'Oh, Emily, let's go run and kill the Orcs!' and stuff, but now you're MAD at ME! I wasn't ever mad at YOU when you dragged me off on those things!" she said angrily, scowling and giving me dark looks.

"I never MADE you do anything!"

"Well I never made YOU do THIS!" I snapped.

"You did too!" she countered fiercely.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!" I paused, and realized my mistake. "EMILY!!!!!"

"Got yah!"

"You moron."

"Proud of it," she said and grinned.

"You ought not be," I advised.

"That sounded weird. 'You ought not be,'" Emily mused slowly, her hand on her chin as though deep in thought.

"Yeah...I know...I think the formal talk is growing on me. You think?" I asked.

"I think you need to see a shrink."

"You wanna come with me? You need one too, after all."

"As long as the shrink gives out free candy after the session and they have a treasure box for being a good patient while they stick needles into your flesh."

"Usually they do. My dentist has one. He lets me get those little pool fish toy things. I named it Mortimer, I think..."

"That's wonderful! Do you think I could get a fishie? Then our fishies can be playmates!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah! That's a great idea! We can have them go swimming and vacationing in different seas. Like the Milk Sea, and the Coke Sea, and the Water Sea, and the OJ Sea."

"OJ?"

"Orange Juice."

"I knew that."

"Sure you did."

"I'm hanging up on you." Well...okay...that was a very short term of holding a grudge. I need to work on holding grudges longer. Maybe there's a special class for it. I would have to look it up in the yellow pages we get back. If we get back.

******************

Sorry it's been slow on the updating front.

I hate book reports. I hate going back to school sometimes. I hate working at the library...MY LIFE IS TOO BUSY! For me at least.

I need a Pepsi Blue. *sniffle*

Okay, I'm fine now.

I is sad...this is coming to an end soon...but worry not! Emily and I have more plans for our Fanfic Selves. MUHAHAHAHHAHA!

You know, I just decided (and Emily agreed) that it'd be cool to meet Elijah Wood. Or Orlando Bloom. Or any Fellowship actor for that matter. They all look like nice people. ^_^

Mellon1: Of COURSE I haven't taken my pills today. And don't worry, I'll try to have Harold in more.

Lolly: Harold is cool, dude...But then again, I suppose a talking dandelion is weird. But weird is okay! I'm charging toll for anyone who wants to come with. ^_^ You really don't want to know just how much I'm charging. Trust me.

Legolas stalker: I went to a dance. Once. In all my life. Never have I gone again. Why, might you ask? Well, simply because they are bloody boring. Standing around in near darkness with pretty colored lights listening to preppy music is not the way I like things. They played not ONE country song! NOT ONE! Although the lights were very pretty. I don't think Orlando is engaged to anyone...I haven't heard anything about it at least. *shrug* Anyway, Elizabeth is probably a very nice person. Really. *nods encouragingly*

Foolish Heart: Yeah, Rotk CAN do that sometimes. So that's how you spell it though! I really didn't think it was that, but I just couldn't figure out how...*bangs her head against a computer desk* Thank ye for the infotation! That's not a typo, it's a new word. Copyright Captain Lavern Enterprise! Not that that company exists...yet...MUHAHAHA! I will rule ze world with meh company!

Kawaii Elf Girl: Because, silly, Mars is a red place. With dust. And...stuff...And further more, Mars is special! So it should be up there! *nods in agreement to herself. Yes, she IS agreeing with HERSELF. Don't ask.*

Elf girl: Katie loves those quotes where Jack says something like that. Jack is smart! *hugs Jack for no reason*

JACK: *gasp* Must...breath...HEEELP!

Ehhhehehe...yeah...*let's Jack go* Oops...