DISCLAIMER: Yeah.I own Legolas.
TOLKIEN: *gives her the angry eye* Excuse me?
Er, yeah, I meant, I DON'T own Legolas.
TOLKIEN: Thank you. *glares at her one more time and poofs away*
So, I don't own LOTR, PotC, the Captain Jack song, or any of Will's burnt omelets. I do however own the Ploogerhasenfischen and everything that has to do with them. That's right, I OWN THEM! And Harold, Katie, Emily, Obstinate Fool, etc, etc, and so forth.
CHAPTER NINE
Ah, yes, this shall be my SPOT. No one else can sit here. I spread out my cloak and promptly sat down. I assembled my saddle bag-slash-back pack next to me, then my Will Hat, then my Gandalf Hat. My humble abode!
"My name is Lavern and this is my spot!" I cried out to the men who were assembling tents.
"Oh really?" said some from behind me. I turned around and glared at the evil Elf.
"Yes really," I said huffily.
"What if someone pushes you off," he suggested and I gave him a dark look. He only grinned and went off to do whatever he does in his spare time. I crossed my arms and leaned back til I was laying on the ground, staring up at the sky. Pretty puffy clouds. Very nice white clouds.
We'd been travelling from Gondor for two days straight, with only minor resting periods. I was easily very tired and somewhat delirious. Well, not actually delirious, but not very coherent. All I wanted to do was sleep for a long, long time.
What a nice thought.
************
"Hi ho, Captain Jack!" Emily cried and clapped her hands in tune with the song. Okay, Katie can follow along with this one! Not that I really understood why Emily was singing this in the middle of the night when the entire army is trying to sleep. In fact, where is the army? I looked around for the Gondorians, and found that only me and Emily were standing in the dark clearing. Trees loomed in a weird way around us. Hm.
I decided that during the night she must have dragged me here when I was not coherent which is why I don't remember anything. Maybe she just wanted to sing something without waking up the men. Right? Right!
"Meet me down by the railroad tracks!" I sang after her.
"With your fishin' pole in your hand!" Emily's voice was horribly off tune. Then again, so was mine.
"I'm gonna be your fishin' man!" I sang, louder now.
"Go leeeeft, go riiiight!"
"Go left, right, left!"
"Go left, go right, go swing around the steps, go left, go right, go left!"
"Hi ho, Captain Jack-" I started to sing, but was interrupted.
"WHHEEEEEE!!!!" Legolas yelled suddenly. Where did THAT come from? In fact, where did HE come from? I had thought it was only me and Emily in the clearing. And why was Elf Boy making such a sudden outburst?
"Legolas, why did you just do that?" I asked him curiously, forgetting about my singing.
"Because someone died from glass," he said seriously. Uh.
"Emily, I think Legolas is on something, because he just screamed 'whee!' Legolas does not scream that normally. Did you-Emily?" I blinked. And then I blinked again. Emily is not purple. Nor does she have.things growing out of her face. And she normally does not look rabid. What is going on here?
"TAKE ME TO THE MOTHERSHIP, KATIE! The flying penguins are after the Wire Cutters of Dooooom," she warbled. Well, that was a normal thing for her to say. At lest she's acting normal.Despite the fact she looks like she has some sort of alien disease.
"Emily, why have you suddenly turned purple and have wavy tentacles on your face?"
"They're called Ploogerhasens, Katie, you stupid mortal. And we are the Ploogerhasenfischens!" Legolas explained cheerfully. Meeeeh! He has them too! What's wrong with this world?! I WANT MY MOMMY! "We're here to turn you and the King of Acorns into Ploogerhasenfischens too!"
"What? Legolas? Stop that! You're scaring me! Act normal, both of you!" I said somewhat loudly. They were both really freaking me out here.
"But this IS normal, my dear dust bunny!" he cried and hugged me at random.
"Who are you and what have you done with Prince Legolas of Mirkwood?"
"I'm a prince?" he asked, looking very confused. He is not asking me this.he is not asking me this.he CAN'T be asking me this.oh Lord, he's asking me this.
"You're kidding.right? Legolas?"
"Mehehehehehe! I'm a prince! Everyone bow to me! BOW TO ME YOU TAPE MEASURERS!"
"I wanna be the princess!" Emily whined and poked his head. Uh.since when has Emily wanted to be a princess?
"Kay! Katie gets to be our servant! After we change her into a Ploogerhasenfischen of course," he added, grinning at me in a very scary way. Okay. Deep breaths Katie. You cannot be hallucinating. You're too young, and too intelligent to let the purple duck do this to you. Now. Analyze the facts.
Exhibit A: Emily and Legolas both are purple, and have tentacles on their faces. They do NOT have tentacles, and they most certainly are NOT purple. Tolkien is probably rolling over in his grave at the thought of an Elf-HIS Elf-having tentacles and purple skin. And, well, I really don't think Emily should have those either. So what's up with that?
Exhibit B: Legolas is acting like Emily and I. He is normally quite sane. He also knows that he is the prince of Mirkwood. He does not randomly yell things like "Wheeee!" and "bow to me you tape measurers!" therefore someone must have spiked his water. Or something. Or the aliens got to him. Because the Legolas that I know does NOT do that. He does not call Aragorn the King of Acorns either.
Exhibit C: They are being INSANE TOGETHER. Legolas wants nothing to do with Emily most of the time. So why is he joining her on her quest for randomness? It makes noooo sense. They might be insane WITHOUT each other, but I honestly don't think they'd team up.No, it's not possible. Definitely not possible.
Exhibit D: Ploogerhasenfischen and Ploogerhasens. What the hell are those? They may come from the depths of Emily's mind. But let's not forget, EMILY did not tell me what they are. LEGOLAS did, and that's what's bad about it. Maybe Emily brainwashed him into thinking he's one of those.things.
What happened? Maybe I was captured by the bad guys and they poisoned me and that's why I was having these weird hallucinations. Yeah. They had to be hallucinations. THEY COULDN'T BE REAL!!!!
The trees suddenly started to glow with this weird yellow and green light. And music started up. You know how in movies, they add in the soundtracks? That's what was happening. Except it was someone singing.Can You Paint With All the Colors of the Wind? WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON? NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE randomly starts to sing Pocahontas songs like that.
The trees suddenly started to move. Were they Ents or something? But they weren't Ents. They bent away to form a path. The new path they created started to sparkle with an ethereal light, and a figure moved toward us and the clearing. Uh oh.
"Ah, look, I see our brothers and sisters of the Ploogerhasenfischen have turned him to the Ploogerness!" Emily noted softly. I raised my eyebrows in alarm. They almost disappeared into my hair when I realized the figure coming toward us was Aragorn.
"ARAGORN! ARE YOU SANE? ARE YOU NORMAL? TAKE ME AWAY FROM THESE DEMONS!" I shrieked when I noticed it was him. I ran forward, but stopped. NOOO!!! He has those.those.Ploogerhavas or whatever they were on him too! I'm all alone! MEEP!
"Hello Legorenzo and Emallace. Well met. Is Katie ready to assume her new identity as Karthalomew?" he asked in a strangely dull and flat voice. Oh no, the aliens have taken his soul.That is not good. Not good at all.
"No she's not," I murmured.
"Greetings Aragorman. Yes, she is ready," Legolas-or should I say Legorenzo?-answered for me, ignoring my comment. He hugged Aragorn-or Aragorman, I guess. "And what of Gimli? Do you have him with you?" Aragorman nodded and gestured to the glowing pathway. Another figured neared, and it turned out to be-surprise!-Gimli! And he was NORMAL! I felt like crying in relief. These people were scaring the living daylights out of me. It was spiffy to see someone not taken over by this twistedness.
"GIMLI! YOU'RE NOT ALIENIZED!" I ran over to him and hugged him, nearly strangling him. He glared at me and squirmed out of my hold.
"Where are we?" he asked me as though I would know. What did he expect, a full explanation?
"Dunno. They want to change us into Ploogerhasenfischen, though, I know that. Don't ask me what those are."
"I won't then."
"They're scaring me. Legolas didn't know he was a prince. And Aragorn is empty or something, and he sounds weird. And Emily just.I don't know what's wrong with her," I said slowly, then looked over at my once-comrade. My mouth dropped slightly in surprise.
He hair was rapidly changing colors. Pink, red, green, yellow, blue, purple, black.it kept switching and didn't stop. Then her eyes started doing the same. My own eyes started to hurt just watching. I pointed silently at her, letting the sight explain to Gimli what was wrong with her.
"I have never seen such deviltry in all my life." I heard Gimli say softly. Wait, that meant he didn't know what do about it. So did that mean we were stuck here? NO!
"How do we get out?" I asked him in a desperate voice.
"You think I would know, lass?"
"Well.I was kind of hoping.HEY! Look at the glowing sparkle, Gimli!"
"What is it that you're going on about now?" Gimli muttered, looking irritated. Can't he see the pretty sparkle? It might take us home! I remembered some people that got home through the sparkly portal of happiness. Besides, if it WAS a sparkly portal of happiness, it would really be a good idea to go through it. Because Aragorn, Legolas, and Emily- or whoever they were now-were getting very close. And close is not what I want in the same sentence as them.
"Listen to me, grasshopper man. That might be our ticket out of here!" I cried excitedly and pointed at the sparkle. He peered at it, then at me.
"Are you sure?" he asked, looking a little unsure. I couldn't say I blamed him actually, seeing as how we were being cornered by three freaks and the trees were glowing and moving and there was a sparkling portal of happiness in the air. I'd be confused and freaked too. In fact, I WAS confused and freaked.
"Join us in our mission to rid the world of wrenches!" Legolas cried.
"DOWN WITH WINDOW SHADES!" Emily added.
"You will soon see that we are the superior race. You WILL become one with the Ploogerhasenfischen!" Aragorn added. My eyes widened. Hope they don't make us into Borg or Dementors or Orcs or Skeletal Pirates or.or.stuff.I shifted my gaze to the sparkly thing. It was getting bigger! It was a portal, I knew it! I tugged at Gimli's sleeve and pointed. He nodded. The dude wasn't so bad after all.He was actually very nice. Actually, everyone normal seemed nice here.
"On three, lass, we'll run and jump through," he said softly, so the Demented Legolas, Aragorn, and Emily wouldn't hear. I nodded. Must survive. Mustn't let the Demented Ones get control over my life. I would make sure they'd leave me alone!
"One.two.THREE!" he yelled the last part and we both barreled toward the sparkly portal of happiness. The Demented Ones jumped back in surprise, halting their steady procession toward us. We took advantage of their momentary shock and dove to the sparkly portal. I hoped it was a portal at least. If it wasn't, we were screwed.
*****
Well, we weren't EXACTLY screwed.
"What are you doing on my ship?" I squinted in the sunlight, and looked up into the face of.Captain Jack Sparrow? What the hell? First Middle Earth, now the Caribbean? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO? I sighed, and stood up, glancing at Gimli, who was next to me, looking rather disoriented.
"Uh.let me do the talking, Gimli." I whispered to the Dwarf, who seemed to have no objection with that.
"You, girl, answer me!" Captain Sparrow snapped. He was NOT happy that a short man and a gangly looking girl had just appeared on the deck of his Pearl. I couldn't really blame him though.
"Uh.we're running from the demented purple people who want to turn us into Ploogerhasenfischen. They WERE our friends until they were brainwashed into the Ploogerness or whatever they call it." Hey, the truth is a good thing. Besides, I wasn't in the mood for making up a story.
"But WHAT are you DOING on my SHIP?" he repeated again. I just answered him! He must have a hearing problem.
"I told you! Trying to hide!"
"Stow-away?"
"Nonononono!"
"If you're hiding on a man's ship and you aren't tellin' him about it, 't means you're a stow-away," he said, his hands waving around in that trademark way. I glared at him.
"We're-not-stow-aways," I said through gritted teeth.
"YOU'RE STOW AWAYS! YOU MUST BE PLOOGERIZED!" OHHHH NO! Not Sparrow too.CAN'T BE HAPPENING! Is everyone Plooger-struck but me and Gimli?
"Jack! Stop scaring our guests!" came a voice from bellow deck, through the trap door. I looked around Sparrow, and my eyes widened. Oh. My. Dear. Croutons.
"Will, go away. This is my ship, and I'll do what I please."
"Oh, Jack, just invite them in for some omelets."
"NO, WILL!" Jack snapped in irritation.
"Come on, both of you, he's just sour because Elizabeth tossed over his prize chicken," Will Turner explained to us cheerfully. Gimli and I exchanged looks.
"I am not going to ask you where we are or what's going on," he said, mostly to himself.
"Good, because I don't know.And WHY is William Turner wearing a flowered apron that says 'kiss me, I'm a cook/blacksmith who likes to murder toenails' and leather high heels?" I asked no one in particular. Will only smiled in that weird way and shoved us bellow deck. An immediated stench hit my nose. Omelets.
"What is he MAKING that smells so AWFUL?" Gimli muttered, glancing around. Burnt omelets, to be exact. Will skipped-yes, he skipped-over to a stove-which for some reason looked very modern and much like the ones I was used to-and smacked two charred pieces of cooked egg onto two plates and placed them on a table. He gestured for us to sit down.
"Sit down, eat the omelets, Elizabeth says they're very good," he ordered us and bustled off to make more. I stood, rooted to the spot, staring at Will for a minute. Then, I looked down at Gimli, who was also staring at the blacksmith-gone-insane.
"Gimli.I'm scared."
"Aye, you're not the only one," he answered gruffly. "He doesn't really expect us to eat those.things.does he?"
"I don't think so," I said and poked the omelet gingerly with a fork. I had to hold my nose, so I wouldn't keel over from the stench. "Uh.Will, we really have to get going. Thanks for the, er, omelets." He turned around and gave the Dwarf and I a suspicious look.
"Why aren't you eating my omelets?"
"We don't want to ruin their beauty!"
"EAT THEM NOW OR SUFFER AT THE HAND OF THE PLOOGERHASENFISCHEN!" His eyes were steadily growing red and he was starting to foam at the mouth. "EMALLACE! LEGORENZO! ARAGORMAN! You have new play mates!" Gimli and I looked at each other, then let out a loud scream. Through a random door, came the Demented Ones, weilding spatulas and saws.
"Kaaaaaatie!" Emallace yelled and giggled, poking me with her spatula. "Kaaaaatie!"
"Stop screaming!" Legorenzo ordered and hit my head with the saw.
"You're disturbing everyone!" Aragorman added. I backed up against a wall. NO! THE PLOOGERIZED ONES ARE ABOUT TO KILL ME! I want normal Legolas and normal Aragorn, and normal Emily! I swore to myself, if everything went back to normal, I would never call them a mean thing again. NEVER!
"Wakey wakey!" Emily said happily.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! GIMLI! MAKE THEM LEAVE ME ALONE!" I bellowed and thrashed around as they grabbed on to my arms and start to shake me. Gimli had mysteriously poofed away. Meep! "GAAAH, YOU WORTHLESS DWARF! I hope evil Captain Sparrow guts you and feed you to his crew! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME WITH THE PLOOGERIZED ONES?
"Katie, stop screaming! It's not nice!" Emily scolded, and shook me again.
"I DON'T WANNA BE PLOOGERIZED! NO! LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU ALL!!!!! I WANT NORMAL LEGOLAS AND NORMAL ARAGORN AND NORMAL EMILY!!!"
************
"Why is she yelling like that?" Emily asked a confused and bewildered Elf, Man, and Dwarf. They had no earthly idea why Katie was screaming the things she was screaming, or twisting around like she was.
"I have no idea," Legolas murmured and shook his head, trying to rouse Katie from her sleep again.
"Do you think there's something wrong with her?" Emily asked the three men with a worried look.
"That's a little obvious, Emily," Aragorn remarked dryly, giving Emily "the look."
"Move aside, come on lads, move aside," Gimli snapped and shoved ahead of Legolas and Aragorn. In his hands was a bucket, full of water. Legolas and Aragorn exchanged amused looks, and Emily simply started to giggle out loud. The Dwarf ignored the three of them and proceeded to tip the bucket over. The water cascaded down on the sleeping Katie, who shuddered and twitched violently before blinking.
*************
Water fell all around me. Gimli had returned and he was turned into a Ploogerhasenfischen too. I stared at him in horror. How could the ONLY normal person desert me like this? Evil Dwarf.I always knew he was against me like everyone else. It would have been nice if he'd stuck with me though. I can't fend off all the Ploogerized freaks by meself.
Will and Jack had come bellow deck, and both started to throw omelets at me while the others shook me. I didn't know WHY they kept shaking me, and they wouldn't stop. Neither would the Omelet throwers. And Gimli kept dumping water on me. Harold flew out from somewhere and latch his little root legs onto my face. He was.purple. I clawed at him, trying to make the possessed dandelion get off. MAKE THE MADNESS STOP!
"STOP THROWING OMELETS AT ME!" I snapped at Jack and Will. Much to my surprise, they stopped. But Gimli didn't. He tossed more water on me, and startled me. I sputtered at the suddenly waterfall of liquid. Twitching, my eyes closed, I waved my arms around, trying to ward off anyone who might attack me while I was temporarily blinded. I blinked the water from my eyes, and looked around. Wait.
Where'd the Ploogerized Ones go?
In place of them there were.dare I even think it? Normal Legolas, Gimli, Emily, and Aragorn. Jack and Will were gone, as was the Black Pearl, and I was on the ground in a puddle of water. My clothes were wet, and the four of them stood around me in a circle. Emily was trying not to laugh at my wet state, and the others were looking very amused. Well, I'm glad they think me entertaining.BUT THIS IS A TIME OF SERIOUSNESS!
"Where'd the Ploogerhasenfischen go?" I asked dumbly, not expecting an answer.
"The WHAT?" Legolas peered into my eyes. "Are you all right?"
"Of course she's not all right, she's on SOMETHING. What, I don't know, but she was screaming about omelets, and normal Aragorn, Legolas, and me, and something about Gimli.And Plooger...Pluggernised Ones?"
"Dream.creepy.twitch.Damn Ploogerhasenfischen freaks...WAIT! YOU HAVE NO TENTACLES!" I squealed in joy and sprang up, hugging first Emily, then Legolas, then Gimli, then Aragorn. "And you're not PURPLE! And Jack and Will aren't throwing omelets at me and they're gone! I'm back home!" I started to prance around, clapping my hands and giggling insanely.
"I worry about her." Emily muttered and shook her head. "The THINGS she thinks of.Tentacles? Where the hell did she get THAT from?"
"It was from a nightmare, you fools. An there was some weird omlete throwing Will and Jack and it was not cool. I couldn't get out of it...I think I'm mentally injured right now!"
"More than you were before?" Emily asked.
"Yes!"
"Explain, little padewon," she ordered and handed me a set of dry clothes.
"It was a dream. You and me were singing the Captain Jack song from Girl Scout camp, and the trees were glowing yellow and green. And then suddenly Legolas was there, and he screamed 'Whee!' and then--"
"I screamed WHAT?"
"'Wheeee!' I do it all the time."
"That's what worries me," he said to himself, and I grinned.
"Anyway, then you and Legolas turned into those Ploogerhasenfischen--you had tentacles, which were called Ploogerhasens, and your skin was purple-- and then Aragorn came and you were going to turn Gimli and I into one of those things."
"That's is odd...very odd indeed," Emily commented.
"You were calling yourselves...uh...what was it? Emallace, Aragorman, and Legorenzo," I continued."So we--Gimli and I--went through the sparkly portal of happiness that appeared, and ended up on the Black Pearl, and Jack got mad at us for stowing-away on his ship even though we didn't stow- away, and then Will came out in a flowered apron that said 'kiss me, I'm a cook/blacksmith who likes to murder toenails' and leather high heels."
"WILL? As in Will TURNER?" Emily cut in, looking at me in disgust. It's not MY fault I had that dream though!
"Uh...yeah..."
"Poor Will..."
"Stop interrupting. He was making burnt omelets, and he tried to make me and Gimli eat them. But we wouldn't, so he got mad at us, and he called the evil Emily, Legolas, and Aragorn on us. Then Will and Jack started to throw omelets at me. The Evil Ones turned Gimli into a Ploogerhasenfischen, and he started to dump water on me. And Harold attacked me too. Then I woke up."
"Well...that was...interesting..." Legolas said slowly and vaguely, giving me weird looks. They all think it's MY fault, do they? Well it isn't! I can't control the nightmares I have!
"It was scary," I said solemnly. "I need a hug." Here I let out a huge, fake sob. "I was scared! I thought I was going to get Ploogerized! SOMEONE HUG ME!" Emily obliged and hugged me briefly, and Legolas actually patted me in the head. Gimli and Aragorn were giving me sympathetic looks too. Er...nevermind...they were just trying not to laugh...Fools...
"Well, Katie, you have successfully woken up half the army," Aragorn commented, looking annoyed at this. "Next time try to be a little quieter." He shook his head, and then went off to do...something. Gimli and Legolas shared identical looks of mirth.
"If you'll excuse us for a moment," Gimli muttered and they followed Aragorn. Then started to laugh as soon as they thought we couldn't hear them. Meanies...I need help here! I am mentally unstable and all they can do is laugh...hmph...
"Katie..."
"Yes, Wallace m'dear?"
"I'm going to Ploogerize you!" she cried and lunged at me, grinning insanely. I shrieked and ran off. NO!! MUST NOT BE PLOOGERIZED!!!
****************
*coughs* No, I am so not insane. I was bored. I also have a slight writers block, and it was fun to write this. So flame this chapter for it's stupidity and uselessness, or hug it. I doesn't care!
Katie got TTT!!!! *prances around happily and hugs Legolas at random*
LEGOLAS: Must.breath.*claws at her arms*
*lets him go.* Now, cheesy muffins. Sorry for the delay in updating. Like I said, I've had a bit of a block, and it's been busy. My computer got screwed with.you seriously don't want to know the details. *grimaces*
I love that word.Ploogerhasenfischen.*giggles insanely*
The Milkman: *sigh* Those voices again, eh? They're so pesky.I have those too. Well, not exactly VOICES.more like imaginary friends.Very ANNOYING and IRRITATING and STUPID ones.*looks directly at Legolas, Jack, Will, and Elizabeth* I feel your pain. *nods slowly*
Lolly: You don't like dandelions? *sighs and shakes her head* Poor you.haven't been enlightened.Well, it's 50.00 for reserving a rope, which we tie around your waist and drag you behind the boat. Then 125.00 if you want to be tied to the mast. Then it's 300.00 for the back of the boat. And for free movement it's 350.00, but you have to bring your own refreshments, clothes, etc. For everything, it's 1,000,000,000 million Grapes Pennies, which, might I add, don't exist anymore. *innocent look*
Legolas stalker: Yes, Harold is simply amazing. *proud look in Harold's direction* Well, yeah, since it's a humor fic, it's not supposed to be serious. I have officially stretched canon and made them all OOC so bad it's not even funny, and further more, it's a Mary Sue in general. But I like it, it's fun for me to write, and I like torturing Middle Earthians. Of course, in the furture I want more canon correctness, but this WAS my first fic EVER, so it's not absolutely TERRIBLE terrible.I hope not at least.Yeah, the preppy music was annoying. *sniffs* No country! I never went to another dance again. They don't play my music, I no show. I mean, seriously, who WOULDN'T like Emerson Drive and Rascal Flatts and Dixie Chicks and Trick Pony and those people? The ones who don't are CRAZY.
TOLKIEN: *gives her the angry eye* Excuse me?
Er, yeah, I meant, I DON'T own Legolas.
TOLKIEN: Thank you. *glares at her one more time and poofs away*
So, I don't own LOTR, PotC, the Captain Jack song, or any of Will's burnt omelets. I do however own the Ploogerhasenfischen and everything that has to do with them. That's right, I OWN THEM! And Harold, Katie, Emily, Obstinate Fool, etc, etc, and so forth.
CHAPTER NINE
Ah, yes, this shall be my SPOT. No one else can sit here. I spread out my cloak and promptly sat down. I assembled my saddle bag-slash-back pack next to me, then my Will Hat, then my Gandalf Hat. My humble abode!
"My name is Lavern and this is my spot!" I cried out to the men who were assembling tents.
"Oh really?" said some from behind me. I turned around and glared at the evil Elf.
"Yes really," I said huffily.
"What if someone pushes you off," he suggested and I gave him a dark look. He only grinned and went off to do whatever he does in his spare time. I crossed my arms and leaned back til I was laying on the ground, staring up at the sky. Pretty puffy clouds. Very nice white clouds.
We'd been travelling from Gondor for two days straight, with only minor resting periods. I was easily very tired and somewhat delirious. Well, not actually delirious, but not very coherent. All I wanted to do was sleep for a long, long time.
What a nice thought.
************
"Hi ho, Captain Jack!" Emily cried and clapped her hands in tune with the song. Okay, Katie can follow along with this one! Not that I really understood why Emily was singing this in the middle of the night when the entire army is trying to sleep. In fact, where is the army? I looked around for the Gondorians, and found that only me and Emily were standing in the dark clearing. Trees loomed in a weird way around us. Hm.
I decided that during the night she must have dragged me here when I was not coherent which is why I don't remember anything. Maybe she just wanted to sing something without waking up the men. Right? Right!
"Meet me down by the railroad tracks!" I sang after her.
"With your fishin' pole in your hand!" Emily's voice was horribly off tune. Then again, so was mine.
"I'm gonna be your fishin' man!" I sang, louder now.
"Go leeeeft, go riiiight!"
"Go left, right, left!"
"Go left, go right, go swing around the steps, go left, go right, go left!"
"Hi ho, Captain Jack-" I started to sing, but was interrupted.
"WHHEEEEEE!!!!" Legolas yelled suddenly. Where did THAT come from? In fact, where did HE come from? I had thought it was only me and Emily in the clearing. And why was Elf Boy making such a sudden outburst?
"Legolas, why did you just do that?" I asked him curiously, forgetting about my singing.
"Because someone died from glass," he said seriously. Uh.
"Emily, I think Legolas is on something, because he just screamed 'whee!' Legolas does not scream that normally. Did you-Emily?" I blinked. And then I blinked again. Emily is not purple. Nor does she have.things growing out of her face. And she normally does not look rabid. What is going on here?
"TAKE ME TO THE MOTHERSHIP, KATIE! The flying penguins are after the Wire Cutters of Dooooom," she warbled. Well, that was a normal thing for her to say. At lest she's acting normal.Despite the fact she looks like she has some sort of alien disease.
"Emily, why have you suddenly turned purple and have wavy tentacles on your face?"
"They're called Ploogerhasens, Katie, you stupid mortal. And we are the Ploogerhasenfischens!" Legolas explained cheerfully. Meeeeh! He has them too! What's wrong with this world?! I WANT MY MOMMY! "We're here to turn you and the King of Acorns into Ploogerhasenfischens too!"
"What? Legolas? Stop that! You're scaring me! Act normal, both of you!" I said somewhat loudly. They were both really freaking me out here.
"But this IS normal, my dear dust bunny!" he cried and hugged me at random.
"Who are you and what have you done with Prince Legolas of Mirkwood?"
"I'm a prince?" he asked, looking very confused. He is not asking me this.he is not asking me this.he CAN'T be asking me this.oh Lord, he's asking me this.
"You're kidding.right? Legolas?"
"Mehehehehehe! I'm a prince! Everyone bow to me! BOW TO ME YOU TAPE MEASURERS!"
"I wanna be the princess!" Emily whined and poked his head. Uh.since when has Emily wanted to be a princess?
"Kay! Katie gets to be our servant! After we change her into a Ploogerhasenfischen of course," he added, grinning at me in a very scary way. Okay. Deep breaths Katie. You cannot be hallucinating. You're too young, and too intelligent to let the purple duck do this to you. Now. Analyze the facts.
Exhibit A: Emily and Legolas both are purple, and have tentacles on their faces. They do NOT have tentacles, and they most certainly are NOT purple. Tolkien is probably rolling over in his grave at the thought of an Elf-HIS Elf-having tentacles and purple skin. And, well, I really don't think Emily should have those either. So what's up with that?
Exhibit B: Legolas is acting like Emily and I. He is normally quite sane. He also knows that he is the prince of Mirkwood. He does not randomly yell things like "Wheeee!" and "bow to me you tape measurers!" therefore someone must have spiked his water. Or something. Or the aliens got to him. Because the Legolas that I know does NOT do that. He does not call Aragorn the King of Acorns either.
Exhibit C: They are being INSANE TOGETHER. Legolas wants nothing to do with Emily most of the time. So why is he joining her on her quest for randomness? It makes noooo sense. They might be insane WITHOUT each other, but I honestly don't think they'd team up.No, it's not possible. Definitely not possible.
Exhibit D: Ploogerhasenfischen and Ploogerhasens. What the hell are those? They may come from the depths of Emily's mind. But let's not forget, EMILY did not tell me what they are. LEGOLAS did, and that's what's bad about it. Maybe Emily brainwashed him into thinking he's one of those.things.
What happened? Maybe I was captured by the bad guys and they poisoned me and that's why I was having these weird hallucinations. Yeah. They had to be hallucinations. THEY COULDN'T BE REAL!!!!
The trees suddenly started to glow with this weird yellow and green light. And music started up. You know how in movies, they add in the soundtracks? That's what was happening. Except it was someone singing.Can You Paint With All the Colors of the Wind? WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON? NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE randomly starts to sing Pocahontas songs like that.
The trees suddenly started to move. Were they Ents or something? But they weren't Ents. They bent away to form a path. The new path they created started to sparkle with an ethereal light, and a figure moved toward us and the clearing. Uh oh.
"Ah, look, I see our brothers and sisters of the Ploogerhasenfischen have turned him to the Ploogerness!" Emily noted softly. I raised my eyebrows in alarm. They almost disappeared into my hair when I realized the figure coming toward us was Aragorn.
"ARAGORN! ARE YOU SANE? ARE YOU NORMAL? TAKE ME AWAY FROM THESE DEMONS!" I shrieked when I noticed it was him. I ran forward, but stopped. NOOO!!! He has those.those.Ploogerhavas or whatever they were on him too! I'm all alone! MEEP!
"Hello Legorenzo and Emallace. Well met. Is Katie ready to assume her new identity as Karthalomew?" he asked in a strangely dull and flat voice. Oh no, the aliens have taken his soul.That is not good. Not good at all.
"No she's not," I murmured.
"Greetings Aragorman. Yes, she is ready," Legolas-or should I say Legorenzo?-answered for me, ignoring my comment. He hugged Aragorn-or Aragorman, I guess. "And what of Gimli? Do you have him with you?" Aragorman nodded and gestured to the glowing pathway. Another figured neared, and it turned out to be-surprise!-Gimli! And he was NORMAL! I felt like crying in relief. These people were scaring the living daylights out of me. It was spiffy to see someone not taken over by this twistedness.
"GIMLI! YOU'RE NOT ALIENIZED!" I ran over to him and hugged him, nearly strangling him. He glared at me and squirmed out of my hold.
"Where are we?" he asked me as though I would know. What did he expect, a full explanation?
"Dunno. They want to change us into Ploogerhasenfischen, though, I know that. Don't ask me what those are."
"I won't then."
"They're scaring me. Legolas didn't know he was a prince. And Aragorn is empty or something, and he sounds weird. And Emily just.I don't know what's wrong with her," I said slowly, then looked over at my once-comrade. My mouth dropped slightly in surprise.
He hair was rapidly changing colors. Pink, red, green, yellow, blue, purple, black.it kept switching and didn't stop. Then her eyes started doing the same. My own eyes started to hurt just watching. I pointed silently at her, letting the sight explain to Gimli what was wrong with her.
"I have never seen such deviltry in all my life." I heard Gimli say softly. Wait, that meant he didn't know what do about it. So did that mean we were stuck here? NO!
"How do we get out?" I asked him in a desperate voice.
"You think I would know, lass?"
"Well.I was kind of hoping.HEY! Look at the glowing sparkle, Gimli!"
"What is it that you're going on about now?" Gimli muttered, looking irritated. Can't he see the pretty sparkle? It might take us home! I remembered some people that got home through the sparkly portal of happiness. Besides, if it WAS a sparkly portal of happiness, it would really be a good idea to go through it. Because Aragorn, Legolas, and Emily- or whoever they were now-were getting very close. And close is not what I want in the same sentence as them.
"Listen to me, grasshopper man. That might be our ticket out of here!" I cried excitedly and pointed at the sparkle. He peered at it, then at me.
"Are you sure?" he asked, looking a little unsure. I couldn't say I blamed him actually, seeing as how we were being cornered by three freaks and the trees were glowing and moving and there was a sparkling portal of happiness in the air. I'd be confused and freaked too. In fact, I WAS confused and freaked.
"Join us in our mission to rid the world of wrenches!" Legolas cried.
"DOWN WITH WINDOW SHADES!" Emily added.
"You will soon see that we are the superior race. You WILL become one with the Ploogerhasenfischen!" Aragorn added. My eyes widened. Hope they don't make us into Borg or Dementors or Orcs or Skeletal Pirates or.or.stuff.I shifted my gaze to the sparkly thing. It was getting bigger! It was a portal, I knew it! I tugged at Gimli's sleeve and pointed. He nodded. The dude wasn't so bad after all.He was actually very nice. Actually, everyone normal seemed nice here.
"On three, lass, we'll run and jump through," he said softly, so the Demented Legolas, Aragorn, and Emily wouldn't hear. I nodded. Must survive. Mustn't let the Demented Ones get control over my life. I would make sure they'd leave me alone!
"One.two.THREE!" he yelled the last part and we both barreled toward the sparkly portal of happiness. The Demented Ones jumped back in surprise, halting their steady procession toward us. We took advantage of their momentary shock and dove to the sparkly portal. I hoped it was a portal at least. If it wasn't, we were screwed.
*****
Well, we weren't EXACTLY screwed.
"What are you doing on my ship?" I squinted in the sunlight, and looked up into the face of.Captain Jack Sparrow? What the hell? First Middle Earth, now the Caribbean? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO? I sighed, and stood up, glancing at Gimli, who was next to me, looking rather disoriented.
"Uh.let me do the talking, Gimli." I whispered to the Dwarf, who seemed to have no objection with that.
"You, girl, answer me!" Captain Sparrow snapped. He was NOT happy that a short man and a gangly looking girl had just appeared on the deck of his Pearl. I couldn't really blame him though.
"Uh.we're running from the demented purple people who want to turn us into Ploogerhasenfischen. They WERE our friends until they were brainwashed into the Ploogerness or whatever they call it." Hey, the truth is a good thing. Besides, I wasn't in the mood for making up a story.
"But WHAT are you DOING on my SHIP?" he repeated again. I just answered him! He must have a hearing problem.
"I told you! Trying to hide!"
"Stow-away?"
"Nonononono!"
"If you're hiding on a man's ship and you aren't tellin' him about it, 't means you're a stow-away," he said, his hands waving around in that trademark way. I glared at him.
"We're-not-stow-aways," I said through gritted teeth.
"YOU'RE STOW AWAYS! YOU MUST BE PLOOGERIZED!" OHHHH NO! Not Sparrow too.CAN'T BE HAPPENING! Is everyone Plooger-struck but me and Gimli?
"Jack! Stop scaring our guests!" came a voice from bellow deck, through the trap door. I looked around Sparrow, and my eyes widened. Oh. My. Dear. Croutons.
"Will, go away. This is my ship, and I'll do what I please."
"Oh, Jack, just invite them in for some omelets."
"NO, WILL!" Jack snapped in irritation.
"Come on, both of you, he's just sour because Elizabeth tossed over his prize chicken," Will Turner explained to us cheerfully. Gimli and I exchanged looks.
"I am not going to ask you where we are or what's going on," he said, mostly to himself.
"Good, because I don't know.And WHY is William Turner wearing a flowered apron that says 'kiss me, I'm a cook/blacksmith who likes to murder toenails' and leather high heels?" I asked no one in particular. Will only smiled in that weird way and shoved us bellow deck. An immediated stench hit my nose. Omelets.
"What is he MAKING that smells so AWFUL?" Gimli muttered, glancing around. Burnt omelets, to be exact. Will skipped-yes, he skipped-over to a stove-which for some reason looked very modern and much like the ones I was used to-and smacked two charred pieces of cooked egg onto two plates and placed them on a table. He gestured for us to sit down.
"Sit down, eat the omelets, Elizabeth says they're very good," he ordered us and bustled off to make more. I stood, rooted to the spot, staring at Will for a minute. Then, I looked down at Gimli, who was also staring at the blacksmith-gone-insane.
"Gimli.I'm scared."
"Aye, you're not the only one," he answered gruffly. "He doesn't really expect us to eat those.things.does he?"
"I don't think so," I said and poked the omelet gingerly with a fork. I had to hold my nose, so I wouldn't keel over from the stench. "Uh.Will, we really have to get going. Thanks for the, er, omelets." He turned around and gave the Dwarf and I a suspicious look.
"Why aren't you eating my omelets?"
"We don't want to ruin their beauty!"
"EAT THEM NOW OR SUFFER AT THE HAND OF THE PLOOGERHASENFISCHEN!" His eyes were steadily growing red and he was starting to foam at the mouth. "EMALLACE! LEGORENZO! ARAGORMAN! You have new play mates!" Gimli and I looked at each other, then let out a loud scream. Through a random door, came the Demented Ones, weilding spatulas and saws.
"Kaaaaaatie!" Emallace yelled and giggled, poking me with her spatula. "Kaaaaatie!"
"Stop screaming!" Legorenzo ordered and hit my head with the saw.
"You're disturbing everyone!" Aragorman added. I backed up against a wall. NO! THE PLOOGERIZED ONES ARE ABOUT TO KILL ME! I want normal Legolas and normal Aragorn, and normal Emily! I swore to myself, if everything went back to normal, I would never call them a mean thing again. NEVER!
"Wakey wakey!" Emily said happily.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! GIMLI! MAKE THEM LEAVE ME ALONE!" I bellowed and thrashed around as they grabbed on to my arms and start to shake me. Gimli had mysteriously poofed away. Meep! "GAAAH, YOU WORTHLESS DWARF! I hope evil Captain Sparrow guts you and feed you to his crew! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME WITH THE PLOOGERIZED ONES?
"Katie, stop screaming! It's not nice!" Emily scolded, and shook me again.
"I DON'T WANNA BE PLOOGERIZED! NO! LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU ALL!!!!! I WANT NORMAL LEGOLAS AND NORMAL ARAGORN AND NORMAL EMILY!!!"
************
"Why is she yelling like that?" Emily asked a confused and bewildered Elf, Man, and Dwarf. They had no earthly idea why Katie was screaming the things she was screaming, or twisting around like she was.
"I have no idea," Legolas murmured and shook his head, trying to rouse Katie from her sleep again.
"Do you think there's something wrong with her?" Emily asked the three men with a worried look.
"That's a little obvious, Emily," Aragorn remarked dryly, giving Emily "the look."
"Move aside, come on lads, move aside," Gimli snapped and shoved ahead of Legolas and Aragorn. In his hands was a bucket, full of water. Legolas and Aragorn exchanged amused looks, and Emily simply started to giggle out loud. The Dwarf ignored the three of them and proceeded to tip the bucket over. The water cascaded down on the sleeping Katie, who shuddered and twitched violently before blinking.
*************
Water fell all around me. Gimli had returned and he was turned into a Ploogerhasenfischen too. I stared at him in horror. How could the ONLY normal person desert me like this? Evil Dwarf.I always knew he was against me like everyone else. It would have been nice if he'd stuck with me though. I can't fend off all the Ploogerized freaks by meself.
Will and Jack had come bellow deck, and both started to throw omelets at me while the others shook me. I didn't know WHY they kept shaking me, and they wouldn't stop. Neither would the Omelet throwers. And Gimli kept dumping water on me. Harold flew out from somewhere and latch his little root legs onto my face. He was.purple. I clawed at him, trying to make the possessed dandelion get off. MAKE THE MADNESS STOP!
"STOP THROWING OMELETS AT ME!" I snapped at Jack and Will. Much to my surprise, they stopped. But Gimli didn't. He tossed more water on me, and startled me. I sputtered at the suddenly waterfall of liquid. Twitching, my eyes closed, I waved my arms around, trying to ward off anyone who might attack me while I was temporarily blinded. I blinked the water from my eyes, and looked around. Wait.
Where'd the Ploogerized Ones go?
In place of them there were.dare I even think it? Normal Legolas, Gimli, Emily, and Aragorn. Jack and Will were gone, as was the Black Pearl, and I was on the ground in a puddle of water. My clothes were wet, and the four of them stood around me in a circle. Emily was trying not to laugh at my wet state, and the others were looking very amused. Well, I'm glad they think me entertaining.BUT THIS IS A TIME OF SERIOUSNESS!
"Where'd the Ploogerhasenfischen go?" I asked dumbly, not expecting an answer.
"The WHAT?" Legolas peered into my eyes. "Are you all right?"
"Of course she's not all right, she's on SOMETHING. What, I don't know, but she was screaming about omelets, and normal Aragorn, Legolas, and me, and something about Gimli.And Plooger...Pluggernised Ones?"
"Dream.creepy.twitch.Damn Ploogerhasenfischen freaks...WAIT! YOU HAVE NO TENTACLES!" I squealed in joy and sprang up, hugging first Emily, then Legolas, then Gimli, then Aragorn. "And you're not PURPLE! And Jack and Will aren't throwing omelets at me and they're gone! I'm back home!" I started to prance around, clapping my hands and giggling insanely.
"I worry about her." Emily muttered and shook her head. "The THINGS she thinks of.Tentacles? Where the hell did she get THAT from?"
"It was from a nightmare, you fools. An there was some weird omlete throwing Will and Jack and it was not cool. I couldn't get out of it...I think I'm mentally injured right now!"
"More than you were before?" Emily asked.
"Yes!"
"Explain, little padewon," she ordered and handed me a set of dry clothes.
"It was a dream. You and me were singing the Captain Jack song from Girl Scout camp, and the trees were glowing yellow and green. And then suddenly Legolas was there, and he screamed 'Whee!' and then--"
"I screamed WHAT?"
"'Wheeee!' I do it all the time."
"That's what worries me," he said to himself, and I grinned.
"Anyway, then you and Legolas turned into those Ploogerhasenfischen--you had tentacles, which were called Ploogerhasens, and your skin was purple-- and then Aragorn came and you were going to turn Gimli and I into one of those things."
"That's is odd...very odd indeed," Emily commented.
"You were calling yourselves...uh...what was it? Emallace, Aragorman, and Legorenzo," I continued."So we--Gimli and I--went through the sparkly portal of happiness that appeared, and ended up on the Black Pearl, and Jack got mad at us for stowing-away on his ship even though we didn't stow- away, and then Will came out in a flowered apron that said 'kiss me, I'm a cook/blacksmith who likes to murder toenails' and leather high heels."
"WILL? As in Will TURNER?" Emily cut in, looking at me in disgust. It's not MY fault I had that dream though!
"Uh...yeah..."
"Poor Will..."
"Stop interrupting. He was making burnt omelets, and he tried to make me and Gimli eat them. But we wouldn't, so he got mad at us, and he called the evil Emily, Legolas, and Aragorn on us. Then Will and Jack started to throw omelets at me. The Evil Ones turned Gimli into a Ploogerhasenfischen, and he started to dump water on me. And Harold attacked me too. Then I woke up."
"Well...that was...interesting..." Legolas said slowly and vaguely, giving me weird looks. They all think it's MY fault, do they? Well it isn't! I can't control the nightmares I have!
"It was scary," I said solemnly. "I need a hug." Here I let out a huge, fake sob. "I was scared! I thought I was going to get Ploogerized! SOMEONE HUG ME!" Emily obliged and hugged me briefly, and Legolas actually patted me in the head. Gimli and Aragorn were giving me sympathetic looks too. Er...nevermind...they were just trying not to laugh...Fools...
"Well, Katie, you have successfully woken up half the army," Aragorn commented, looking annoyed at this. "Next time try to be a little quieter." He shook his head, and then went off to do...something. Gimli and Legolas shared identical looks of mirth.
"If you'll excuse us for a moment," Gimli muttered and they followed Aragorn. Then started to laugh as soon as they thought we couldn't hear them. Meanies...I need help here! I am mentally unstable and all they can do is laugh...hmph...
"Katie..."
"Yes, Wallace m'dear?"
"I'm going to Ploogerize you!" she cried and lunged at me, grinning insanely. I shrieked and ran off. NO!! MUST NOT BE PLOOGERIZED!!!
****************
*coughs* No, I am so not insane. I was bored. I also have a slight writers block, and it was fun to write this. So flame this chapter for it's stupidity and uselessness, or hug it. I doesn't care!
Katie got TTT!!!! *prances around happily and hugs Legolas at random*
LEGOLAS: Must.breath.*claws at her arms*
*lets him go.* Now, cheesy muffins. Sorry for the delay in updating. Like I said, I've had a bit of a block, and it's been busy. My computer got screwed with.you seriously don't want to know the details. *grimaces*
I love that word.Ploogerhasenfischen.*giggles insanely*
The Milkman: *sigh* Those voices again, eh? They're so pesky.I have those too. Well, not exactly VOICES.more like imaginary friends.Very ANNOYING and IRRITATING and STUPID ones.*looks directly at Legolas, Jack, Will, and Elizabeth* I feel your pain. *nods slowly*
Lolly: You don't like dandelions? *sighs and shakes her head* Poor you.haven't been enlightened.Well, it's 50.00 for reserving a rope, which we tie around your waist and drag you behind the boat. Then 125.00 if you want to be tied to the mast. Then it's 300.00 for the back of the boat. And for free movement it's 350.00, but you have to bring your own refreshments, clothes, etc. For everything, it's 1,000,000,000 million Grapes Pennies, which, might I add, don't exist anymore. *innocent look*
Legolas stalker: Yes, Harold is simply amazing. *proud look in Harold's direction* Well, yeah, since it's a humor fic, it's not supposed to be serious. I have officially stretched canon and made them all OOC so bad it's not even funny, and further more, it's a Mary Sue in general. But I like it, it's fun for me to write, and I like torturing Middle Earthians. Of course, in the furture I want more canon correctness, but this WAS my first fic EVER, so it's not absolutely TERRIBLE terrible.I hope not at least.Yeah, the preppy music was annoying. *sniffs* No country! I never went to another dance again. They don't play my music, I no show. I mean, seriously, who WOULDN'T like Emerson Drive and Rascal Flatts and Dixie Chicks and Trick Pony and those people? The ones who don't are CRAZY.