DISCLAIMER: I own stuff. Just not LOTR. I DO however, own Katie, Emily,
Harold, Obstinate Fool, and my back up CD. Isn't that spiffy? Anyway, you
no use those people. Because they is MINES. MINES you fools, mines! *starts
to cackle but stops and chokes* Oh, and the little ideas of annoyance are
mine too. I thought of them all by me onesies! *coughs from a certain girl
names Emily* That thing over there helped too.
CHAPTER TEN
Well, I didn't get Ploogerized, if you're wondering. Which, in all likely hood, you aren't. Emily, of course, couldn't resist teasing me about it. But it was okay with me. She didn't know the terror; therefore she couldn't possibly understand how traumatizing it was. It really wasn't her fault she was ignorant. Well, some of the time it might be.but not this time.
Six days from the time we left Minas Tirith, the landscape had changed drastically. We had gone past Cirith Gorgor, and there were no longer trees and grass and flowers (aka green happy crap). Instead there were jagged rock formations, and harsh cliffs and mountains and land. It was really rather depressing, and I didn't like it at all. Who would?
Around this time men started to peel away from our army. Aragorn let them go, and surprisingly wasn't angry. More sympathetic really. I was tempted to do the same as the men, but something stopped me from doing that.
Maybe it was the desolate landscape, or the mind-grinding task ahead of us. Maybe I simply needed Prozac or something. I started to think about death, and what it would be like. I mean, going into battle sort of makes you think of those things.
It was strange. At first, this war thing was a game to me, a joke. I didn't really comprehend the fact that the man riding next to me might not come back. Or if I would even come back. Those things really don't seem to hit you until certain times. I started to count how many times one of my friends could have died. There were so many moments the life could have been taken out of them it wasn't EVEN funny. Tolkien didn't make the rules anymore. Someone could die. Someone could be mortally wounded. That was a scary thought.
Looking ahead of the column, I saw Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Gandalf, Elrohir and Elladan, Eomer, Imrahil, Pippin.They were all so much braver than I was. They were the real heroes of this world. I was just a little tag along. I was no warrior; I was not someone who would be known in this historical event. Why WAS I here anyway? Besides the fact that Emily dragged me along?
If I really thought about it, I'd say it was because I wanted to make a difference. I WANTED people to know about me. Just a little even. Some people might call it a longing, I guess. I wanted to prove myself so badly. If I was thinking straight, I realize I was no match for the wonders I rode along with. If you compared me to them, I'd have nothing on them in some ways.
I was only a little girl, who was just learning things about the real world. Not everything was a fairy tale anymore. This Quest had turned into something bigger, so much bigger than I ever imagined. I knew the story; I knew what would happen. But by being there, with the heroes and heroines, it was a great impact. Greater than anything Tolkien could have said.
Take Eowyn for example. People like her are the ones who deserve to live these kinds of things. REAL warriors, REAL heroes, REAL fighters. Instead, she was stuck in Gondor trying to get better from the wounds the Witch King gave her. She should be riding with these people, not some naïve child like myself.
All those times when Legolas and Aragorn and Gimli told Emily and I that we should stay put and out of harms way, I couldn't remember WHY I didn't listen. I only got in the way, only made things worse for everyone. I had a feeling that's what would happen in Mordor if I weren't careful.
If I were careful this time, maybe they'd mention me in the books.
****************
"Hullo, Aragorn," Emily said innocently, walking up slowly to where Aragorn was sitting over a travel desk, looking at maps and reports of something. It's Special Edition War Time Aragorn, available only at your local Toys R Us! Er.don't ask.
"What do you want?" he asked absently.
"Emily has a strange feeling in Emily's right elbow. The feeling says that you need to practice the pretty swordling with Emily!" she declared.
"Can't Emily just go away for a moment?" he asked curtly, looking entirely too grumpy.
"Emily cannot."
"Emily needs to come back later then."
"How much later?"
"Later."
"HOW MUCH LATER?"
"Just later!" he snapped irritably, bent over a map in concentration. I realized that he was doing something important. Then again, he always seems to do important things. It's us two who do the non-important things. Which are always more entertaining, might I add.
"Leave him alone, girls," someone cautions from on top of the desk. I looked down at the dandelion who was seated there. Why was he there?
"Whacha doin Harold?" I asked curiously.
"Helping," was the only answer. Why on earth was Aragorn letting Harold help him? Who in their right mind would let a talking dandelion help them plot a war? Maybe Aragorn finally caved or something.
"Come on, Wallace, you can ask Legolana to help you. The King of Acorns is not in the mood for our random humor," I added, just as she opened her mouth to argue. Despite the fact that Harold was annoying, he had a good point. I didn't know about Emily, but Aragorn was under a lot of stress and I honestly did NOT want to see him mad. It was sure to be a terrifying sight to behold.
I tugged on her arm and forced her to follow me on my search for the Elfling. Some how, I thought he was a lot less likely to kill us if we bugged him. Seeing as how he doesn't have the future of Middle Earth on basically only his shoulders.
Poor Aragorn.
But I could do nothing about it, of course. No one listens to the stupid little Katie anyway...They all under estimate my intelligence level. I am really quite smart. But not smart enough to plan battle-tactics.
"Legging Lass, my dear!" I called when I saw the familiar blonde head. He was sitting with Pippin and Gimli, messing around with his arrows. Probably fixing them or something of the sort.
"It's Legolas," he corrected with the air of one who had said it many, many times.
"I know what your name is, stupid!"
"Sometimes I have to wonder about that, Katie," he muttered and I hit him with a stick I saw laying on the ground. He's just a dumb blonde (no offense to blondes)...
"Why are you interrupting our conversation?" Gimli raised an eyebrow in our direction.
"Wrecking havoc," I answered at the same time as Emily said, "Bugging you." We grinned at each other.
"Well that's nothing we haven't know from the beginning," Pippin threw in. I scowled at him. He's been taken over by the normal ones! Then again, they WERE all normal before we came along. Normal for Middle Earthians at least.
"Leeeegolas. Aragorn is busy. So guess what you get ta do wif Emily! You get to help me practice with my sword!" Emily said cheerfully, acting as though she was giving him a treat. I snorted, envisioning all the possible outcomes of Legolas helping Emily use her sword. There's always the scenario when they finish each other off...But no, Emily is the only insane person here and I need her intelligence (if she has any) and Legolas is simply to pretty to kill. Maybe if they just knocked each other out?
"Why can Katie help you? I don't have time to watch you make a fool out of yourself."
"That was cold, man...and Katie can't do it because Katie is an ignorant bow twanger, who can barely use a bow, let alone a sword," she explained in exasperation. That's mean...
"I resent that," I muttered and glared at her. She ignored my comments, as usual.
"Do you REALLY want some innocent bystander to loose an eye? From Katie, I mean," she threatened Legolas who seemed to be debating whether or not to help her.
"This ONCE I will pretend I didn't hear that."
"Well, it IS true Katie. You are impossible with weapons," she said.
"I'll start singing Rascal Flatts if you don't stop insulting me...and we all know how much Emily despises country," I said in an airy voice, looking up at the sky as though I was interested in the clouds.
"Please don't. You scare me with your awful singing--"
"That's it. I've got the lights turned up/ the door is locked, the bedroom TVs on/ Doin the only thing that gets me through the night since you've been--"
"STOP! Stop, stop, stop!" Emily cried and clapped her hands over her ears. I feel unloved. How can she diss Rascal Flatts? Or maybe it's just my voice... "I hate that song!" Nevermind, it's Rascal Flatts...stupid hobbitses.
"God, its not even really country...Doesn't sound like it anyway. It sounds normal!"
"Does too! It sounds nothing like normal music!" she objected stupidly. She's wrong, wrong, wrong! All wrong!
"Prep wanna-be!" I taunted in defense.
"Geek!" she shot back.
"Freak!"
"Nerd!"
"Normal!" I hissed, my eyes narrowing. That's right, I called her normal. No one disses my music and gets away with that. Her mouth dropped about an inch.
"I can't believe you just called me normal..."
"Well, I did. And you know what? It's--"
"ENOUGH!" Legolas interrupted. Though he had no idea of what we were arguing about, it seemed to just irritate him. "Emily, hurry up and get out your sword. I'll help you, just cease the movement of your mouths!"
"If that's even possible for you two," Pippin murmured. He and Gimli exchanging amused looks. Emily and I aren't the only ones who think it's funny when Legolas gets mad...Cool!
"Fine..." I crossed my arms and glared at him, content with sitting down in the space he has occupied before on the ground. To Pippin and Gimli, I said, "He's stupid."
"So are you," Gimli said fairly. Yes, fairly. I am stupid sometimes...but still, he shouldn't be so blunt.
"I tried to save you from the Ploogerhasenfischens! Don't make me regret that!"
"The what?" Pippin asked, confused. He hadn't been there when I explained so he didn't know what we were talking about. Poor lad...All confuzzled now! I started to fill him in on the details, but Gimli interrupted.
"It's a long story, lad, one that you'd rather not here, I assure--" he started to tell Pippin, causing me to give him insulted looks. How dare he interrupt me? I'm the only one who can do that!
"No, it's a very nice story, and you should really--" I started to interrupt HIM, but then he did the same to me.
"Not hear it," he cut in.
"You know, it's very hard to interrupt someone when they keep interrupting you," I muttered and looked pointedly at him. He ignored my dark glances and fixed his gaze on Legolas and Emily, who seemed to have started practicing while we were arguing. Mean Dwarf...
"You're foot work needs a little practicing on," Legolas was saying to Emily. He had a sword now, not his knives. He can magically conjure up swords! Awesome!
"I'm trying here!" she snapped in frustration and swung her sword up to block the attack he had moved on her. His hair was flying around in a sort of halo-looking way. She brought her sword up, and nearly clipped his head. Instead, she swung it through his flailing hair. Wow, he's good.he'd jumped back in time to save himself from uncertain death.
"Legolana, you smo smay?" I asked, peering over at the Elf, who was looking a little startled. He nodded anyway.
"Emily...try not to kill me. Please. Swords are sharp objects, and they CAN kill people," he reminded Emily seriously. He stared at her icily until she nodded and smiled weakly.
"Sorry," she muttered. Legolas muttered something under his breathe, that sounded suspiciously like, "toss them into the Anduin when we return to Gondor" and turned around. That's when I saw his hair. Most of it was perfectly normal and shiny and blonde and pretty and-yeah, you get the picture. But the other part, where Emily's sword went through.it was jaggedly cut. My mouth dropped about an inch. Then I started to giggle.
"What are you laughing at now?" Gimli turned and looked at me questioningly. I could only giggle even louder. Legolas looked like someone had tried to give him a haircut. The key word being tried. Instead of evenly cutting like normal people giving haircuts do, the section was severed off. Like someone had taken an ax to it. Or a sword.Pippin followed my line of eyesight, and immediately started to chuckle.
"Are you just going to sit there giggling like an idiot or are either of you going to tell me?" the Dwarf questioned haughtily. I simply pointed at the Elf's hair. He started to snicker along with us.
"Legolas! You might want to look in the mirror..." Gimli suggested to Legolas, who turned around and gave his friend a confused look. Emily caught his new "haircut" when he turned away from her and her eyes widened. She clamped her hands over her mouth, and her shoulders started to shake. Poor Legolas, even she started to laugh at him.
"S-S-Sorry, Legolas," she gasped out with a grin.
"What? What are you all laughing at?" he demanded, giving us the evil look.
"Um...your hair...kinda has a new...do..." I snorted again and dissolved into more giggles. He reached behind his head, and felt his hair, his eyes growing wide as his hand explored the damage done from Emily's sword. How her sword actually CUT his hair is beyond me. I would never expect THAT to cut someone's hair.
"EMILY!" he roared and whipped around. Uh oh, must save friend from certain death. I sprang up and latched myself on to Legolas's right arm before he could do something rash.
"Down, boy, down! It's not that bad. You just need to get the other parts fixed to that length and you won't look like someone took a chain saw to your head..." I reasoned, digging my heels into the ground in case he tried to get out of my grasp.
"Please don't kill me!" Emily begged, trying hard not to start laughing again.
"But--she--my hair!" he stuttered in outrage and looked at me darkly before shaking me off. I grabbed onto his arm again. Must restrain mental escapee! A P.O.ed Elven prince is not a pretty sight, I'll tell you. We would have probably been safer with Aragorn getting mad at us than Legolas.
"Liiiiiisten little Elf. I'm going to fix it for you." This obviously was not a bright idea. He cast his angry look to me, and I shrank back, but didn't let go of his arm. Must retain tight grip or Emily is as good as dead.
"Don't--touch--my--hair," he hissed and wrestled his arm away from me. Then he stormed off.
"Great job Einstein," I growled at Emily, who could only laugh. My God she's hopeless...
Eventually, Legolas DID let me fix his hair. With much wheedling and begging on Gimli, Pippin, and my part, and much cursing and laughing on Emily's part, at least. I mean, I WAS the only one with a handy pair of safety scissors (which I found in my trapper). Strange how those things pop up as they are necessary. It turned out perfectly fine. Really.
Okay, so I lied.
In truth, he wouldn't let me fix it. He adamantly refused my help, explaining that the day he let me do anything to his hair, Mordor would freeze over and the Valar would take a sick leave. In other words, never. That, of course, would simply not do. The poor lad would walk around with people snickering at him if he didn't let me help.
So what could I do? Well.the only thing that I could do, Watson. Drastic times called for drastic measures. I decided I'd fix his hair when he was not coherent. Or, in other words, when he was sleeping.
Luckily, Aragorn demanded that the little Elfling sleep. Everyone knows Elves can go without sleep for a pretty long time, which was what Legolas had been doing. But they do short out some time, you know. I mean, they aren't Ever Running Bunnies or anything. Aragorn was a good person too, for making him sleepy sleep. Because my plans would be foiled without that vital thing.
That night, after Aragorn had taken away Emily's sword for the rest of the day, and after Legolas and propped himself up against a tree, his arms crossed. I tried to innocently watch him, waiting for the time when his eyes would get all hazy and the lids droop halfway in Elven sleep.
My silent vigil continued until everyone around us was asleep and I could carry out my plot unnoticed. I couldn't have someone waking him up now, could I? No, of course not. Now, must arm self with safety scissors. I snapped the purple, pointed objects dangerously, and started to hum the Mission Impossible theme song.
As stealthily as I could (which meant stepping on at least ten twigs, kicking nearly five rocks aside, and tripping twice in the dark) I made my way over to the Elf. Amazingly enough he didn't wake up. VICTORY! Almost at least.
Carefully, I angled my scissors so that they were behind his head. Gently.gently.just a little off.oops. I picked up the hunk of blonde hair from the ground. And shrugged and continued to cut.
The first time around, I only screwed it up more. I tried cutting in straight across, but some parts were still jagged. By that time I had taken off at least two inches of his poor little hairs.
"Oops." I muttered under my breath. He was NOT going to be happy, and I was going to be a pincushion or something if I didn't fix his hair soon. So I had to take off another inch of his hair in order to fix my mistake. But much to my utmost annoyance, I had cut part of it unevenly.
"Dammit." He shifted in his sleep and I cringed, squeezing my eyes shut. Dammit it again. He settled again, still "asleep." I let out a sigh of relief and raised my scissors again. Meh, this was not going to turn out too good, I could just tell. I snipped a bit off here and there, an by the time I had finished, his hair reached just about an inch and a half past his shoulders. Some parts where shorted than the others by a hair (no pun intended), but it didn't look too bad. Not REALLY. Not to ME at least. Then again, anyone can tell you I don't pay much attention to little mess ups like those. So it looked sort of normal.right?
Oh God, the fangirls are going to kill me.
So is Legolas in fact.
But hey, I never claimed to be brilliant with a pair of scissors. It's Emily's fault she wanted to play hairdresser anyway. At least he didn't loose ALL of it.I look down at the fairly long strands of hair on the ground. I picked up the locks I had cut off. I could save these and sell them on E-bay!
"Bye! Come again to Katie's "I Will Fix Your Screwed Up Hair" Parlor!" I whispered and crept off with a wave. "Thanks for your hair donation!" I grabbed my scissors, and wandered back to where Emily and I had set up camp. BACK TO THE FORTRESS, MY CHEESE MONKEYS! I did a decent job, in my own opinion.
Sleep, I decided, was a good thing right then.
"Erm.Katie.wakey, wakey," Emily said loudly. I blinked, and rubbed the sleep from my eyes tiredly.
"Too.early.need.caffeine.cannot.go on.much longer.without.sacred caffeine," I managed to gasp out before covering my head with my Will Hat (which I slept in-my head got cold again). "Why are you waking me up so early?"
"Kaitlin Eileen Twiss!" Dammit.
"Uh oh, it's never good when they use the full name. Wait a minute- how'd you know my full and real name? CAN YOU READ MINDS, ELF BOY?"
"I told him," Emily muttered. Ooooh.
"Oh."
"KATIE! WHAT-DID-YOU-DO-TO-MY-HAIR?!" he hissed through his teeth, gesturing fiercely to his shortened blond tresses.
"I fixed it," I said slowly, wincing as his icy glare bore into me. Eh.maybe that wasn't such a great idea. "Sorry?"
"It's short!"
"Would you rather it long and uneven?"
"YES!"
"No you wouldn't, trust me. I did you a favor."
"Katie, Katie, Katie," he moaned and placed his hand on his forehead in irritation.
"Hey, I said sorry!"
"It's MY hair, not YOURS, therefore you are not to touch it! UNDERSTAND?" he said slowly and very loudly to drill it into my head. I gulped and nodded. Er.scary? I didn't understand actually. I helped him out! And now he's mad at me? I mean, it'll grow back, right? Right! So he had no reason to be P.O.ed still!
"Good!" He stalked off, grumbling about his hair loss. Emily started to laugh at me loudly for some reason or another and glared at her. Not that it helped.
"Katie," she moaned. Second time someone's moaned my name."You're so stupid!"
"Screw you." I muttered and went off in the other direction from Legolas, not wanting to run into him the other way. I could still here Emily laughing at me. Stupid hobbitses.she will feel my wrath soon enough! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! I yawned loudly, and peered around, searching for Aragorn's familiar face. Maybe he could fix Legolas's problem.
"Hey, dude," I greeted him as soon as I found him.
"Good morning, Katie," he answered relatively cheerfully. How do these people be HAPPY in the mornings? How do they do it? Maybe they're magical.
"Legolas is mad at me," I stated.
"What did you do to him now?" he asked with an exaggerated sigh.
"I helped his hair problem."
"Tell me you didn't cut it."
"I didn't cut it," I lied.
"Without lying."
"No comment."
"Katie," he moaned. Why is everyone moaning my name this morning? "Why in Eru's name did you think that'd make him happier?"
"Well, I get happy when my hair doesn't look wrong like his did." I said slowly. My reason was right, right?
"You did this knowing you would risk his wrath?"
"I kinda thought he'd appreciate it."
"You thought wrong, obviously."
"No need to rub it in."
"Katie.I have grown up around Elves. I've lived around them most of my life. They do NOT appreciate little girls trying to cut their hair," he said with a wry smile. At least someone thinks I'm amusing.hehe, I have attention!
"I didn't know that."
"Well, now you do. And you ought to remember it if you know what's good for you," he said and randomly squeezed my shoulder before walking off. Maybe I should remember that.
I went off in search of Emily. I had lost her when I went to talk to Aragorn, and she wasn't by our little camp out when I got back. My saddlebag was also gone. I poked around, looking for her. Eventually, I found her idly flipping through my dictionary of Elvish. My saddlebag lay in a heap next to her. She obviously went through my stuff to find the dictionary. Cheesy monkey girl.how dare she rummage through my stuff? Let's forget the fact that I do it all the time to other people, savvy?
"Auta miquila orqu!" she said randomly when I walked over to her.
"Your accent is terrible. Then again, so is mine..." I added as an after thought.
"Too right you are. Still mad at you?" she asked with a grin.
"Eh...yeah, of course." She giggled. "You shameless fool. It's your fault, you know. He really does like his hair, you know. You're so stupid, I can't believe you did that.He practically loves his hair, you know that."
"I think you like it more..."
"It's shiny!"
"Is that all?"
"And soft, and it smells good. And it's...shiny..."
"Riiiight..."
"Es ist hübscher als Aragorns Haar..." I muttered in German. (It's prettier than Aragorn's hair.)
"Don't EVEN start."
"Wasn't going to."
"Then why were you speaking German, HUH?" she asked with a wry look.
"Because I was."
"What's that in your hand?" she pointed to my balled up fist. I opened it and showed her the five inches of blonde hair that I collected.
"Legolas hair!"
"Wow."
"Yeah, I know. I'm gonna make meself a wig."
"A wig? How?"
"With a hat and glue!" I exclaimed happily and sat down next to her. I stuck my hand into my bag, and pulled out the sacred Gandalf Hat. Okay, so it wasn't sacred, it was just nifty. "Got any glue, dear, Watson?"
"Katie. Why on earth would I have GLUE?"
"Uh.because you're nice? I take it you don't."
"Of course I don't. Look in your trapper. You have practically everything in there.Hey, do you think it's magically? Because I could have sworn you left your scissors at my house the day before we poofed here, but they were in your trapper today," she mused slowly, raising her eyebrows in question.
"Nah, you gave them to me and the beginning of first hour."
"Oh." We fell silent, she peering down at the pages in the dictionary and me poking through my belongs for glue. Finally, with a triumphant cry, I found it. I'm so good! I grabbed the nifty Gandalf Hat and squirted a thick line of glue all the way around the brim. Then, I gathered up the longer pieces of blonde hair I had, and stuck them strategically on the glue line. It looked rather stupid, and it didn't really work, but I was happy and didn't care.
Several places I had to give only a sparse line of hair because of my shortage. I barely had enough to go around. When I finished, I set the hat aside and gave Emily a broad smile of gleefulness.
"You are pathetic," she said with a sigh and rolled her eyes.
"No, I'm just special!" I corrected her and pulled on her ear for no reason. "You have metal ears!" She whapped me with her hand to make me shut up (which I didn't) and continued to read in peace (not). For the next fifteen minutes I bugged her in numerous ways, until she simply screamed, "KATIE, LEAVE ME ALONE!" Then I decided it was best to let sleeping turkeys lie sleeping, whatever that meant.
"Look, my hat is dry!" I cried happily after five more minutes. She ignored me. Again. Why am I always ignored? I have good ideas, but I'm always ignored. What kind of world is this if people don't listen to each other? Anyway, I plunked to Gandalf Hat onto my head and beamed at Emily. Perfecto!
Well, almost at least.
"You look like.like a hippie or something," Emily said when she saw me. My only problem with my ingenious plan was that I stupidly put hair around ALL of the brim. Therefore, it looked like I had over grown blond bangs.
"That's okay. All the more stupid the better, right? Right."
"Hey, Katie?"
"Hm?"
"Why are people starting to move again?"
"Maybe 'cause.we're leaving?" I suggested slowly, putting two and two together.
"You think we should too?"
"Well, that would be the smart thing to do..." We looked at eachother, I shoved my stuff into my saddle bag, then we took off running to where I left Obstinate Fool. They mustn't leave without us! The ground dipped downward, forming almost a hill, causing us to go faster and faster as we raced for the horse. Must slow down...oh no...ooooh no...Legolas was standing near Obstinate Fool. And guess who was about to crash into him?
"KATIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Damn it.
**************
Well.wasn't that fun?
I'm sad.this is almost done.but hey, you never know when Katie and Emily might strike again.*hint hint* Right? Right! MUHAHAHAHAHA! *stops cackling when she starts to choke* Er.yeah.
Yeah...Katie gets to rip out bathroom tiles...COWER BEFORE MY FEET, RANDOM WALL TILES! BWHAUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It's bloody hard to get those tiles off the wall sometimes, ya know. So it's actually work. It's not just a walk in the park...dun dun da dun...*coughs* Uh, yeah, I like saying that...
The Milkman: Ooo...octupuses! Of course I recognized you as you. I couldn't very well recognize you as anyone else, because like you said, that's just screwy. *nods matter of factly* You should be proud of me, by the way. I've been listen to something NON-COUNTRY. *ranodm peoples applaud* Katie has been listening to Evanescence. So be happy, for she is no longer one-music- genre!
saiyan-girl-cheetah: S'okies! ^_^ I'm busy too...school starting up for me too. o_o it's scary, I don't wanna go back to the darkness of school...*shivers and twitches*
legolas stalker: Yay! Hyperness! Yeah, I did notice that. However, I would rather just watch, because being an arrow sounds uncool. Because, if you think about it, arrows have to do dirty work, like kill people (or Orcs) and get shoved into quivers and the darkness and broken. And other stuff. But eh, if you wanna be an arrow...be an arrow, I say! *applauds and smiles broadly* Harold should be ruler of the world. Or at least ruler of Bosnia. Or something like that.
Dy: Ah, my poor weedy friend...He is unloved. . Oh well, I loves him, and he's happy because of such!
CHAPTER TEN
Well, I didn't get Ploogerized, if you're wondering. Which, in all likely hood, you aren't. Emily, of course, couldn't resist teasing me about it. But it was okay with me. She didn't know the terror; therefore she couldn't possibly understand how traumatizing it was. It really wasn't her fault she was ignorant. Well, some of the time it might be.but not this time.
Six days from the time we left Minas Tirith, the landscape had changed drastically. We had gone past Cirith Gorgor, and there were no longer trees and grass and flowers (aka green happy crap). Instead there were jagged rock formations, and harsh cliffs and mountains and land. It was really rather depressing, and I didn't like it at all. Who would?
Around this time men started to peel away from our army. Aragorn let them go, and surprisingly wasn't angry. More sympathetic really. I was tempted to do the same as the men, but something stopped me from doing that.
Maybe it was the desolate landscape, or the mind-grinding task ahead of us. Maybe I simply needed Prozac or something. I started to think about death, and what it would be like. I mean, going into battle sort of makes you think of those things.
It was strange. At first, this war thing was a game to me, a joke. I didn't really comprehend the fact that the man riding next to me might not come back. Or if I would even come back. Those things really don't seem to hit you until certain times. I started to count how many times one of my friends could have died. There were so many moments the life could have been taken out of them it wasn't EVEN funny. Tolkien didn't make the rules anymore. Someone could die. Someone could be mortally wounded. That was a scary thought.
Looking ahead of the column, I saw Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Gandalf, Elrohir and Elladan, Eomer, Imrahil, Pippin.They were all so much braver than I was. They were the real heroes of this world. I was just a little tag along. I was no warrior; I was not someone who would be known in this historical event. Why WAS I here anyway? Besides the fact that Emily dragged me along?
If I really thought about it, I'd say it was because I wanted to make a difference. I WANTED people to know about me. Just a little even. Some people might call it a longing, I guess. I wanted to prove myself so badly. If I was thinking straight, I realize I was no match for the wonders I rode along with. If you compared me to them, I'd have nothing on them in some ways.
I was only a little girl, who was just learning things about the real world. Not everything was a fairy tale anymore. This Quest had turned into something bigger, so much bigger than I ever imagined. I knew the story; I knew what would happen. But by being there, with the heroes and heroines, it was a great impact. Greater than anything Tolkien could have said.
Take Eowyn for example. People like her are the ones who deserve to live these kinds of things. REAL warriors, REAL heroes, REAL fighters. Instead, she was stuck in Gondor trying to get better from the wounds the Witch King gave her. She should be riding with these people, not some naïve child like myself.
All those times when Legolas and Aragorn and Gimli told Emily and I that we should stay put and out of harms way, I couldn't remember WHY I didn't listen. I only got in the way, only made things worse for everyone. I had a feeling that's what would happen in Mordor if I weren't careful.
If I were careful this time, maybe they'd mention me in the books.
****************
"Hullo, Aragorn," Emily said innocently, walking up slowly to where Aragorn was sitting over a travel desk, looking at maps and reports of something. It's Special Edition War Time Aragorn, available only at your local Toys R Us! Er.don't ask.
"What do you want?" he asked absently.
"Emily has a strange feeling in Emily's right elbow. The feeling says that you need to practice the pretty swordling with Emily!" she declared.
"Can't Emily just go away for a moment?" he asked curtly, looking entirely too grumpy.
"Emily cannot."
"Emily needs to come back later then."
"How much later?"
"Later."
"HOW MUCH LATER?"
"Just later!" he snapped irritably, bent over a map in concentration. I realized that he was doing something important. Then again, he always seems to do important things. It's us two who do the non-important things. Which are always more entertaining, might I add.
"Leave him alone, girls," someone cautions from on top of the desk. I looked down at the dandelion who was seated there. Why was he there?
"Whacha doin Harold?" I asked curiously.
"Helping," was the only answer. Why on earth was Aragorn letting Harold help him? Who in their right mind would let a talking dandelion help them plot a war? Maybe Aragorn finally caved or something.
"Come on, Wallace, you can ask Legolana to help you. The King of Acorns is not in the mood for our random humor," I added, just as she opened her mouth to argue. Despite the fact that Harold was annoying, he had a good point. I didn't know about Emily, but Aragorn was under a lot of stress and I honestly did NOT want to see him mad. It was sure to be a terrifying sight to behold.
I tugged on her arm and forced her to follow me on my search for the Elfling. Some how, I thought he was a lot less likely to kill us if we bugged him. Seeing as how he doesn't have the future of Middle Earth on basically only his shoulders.
Poor Aragorn.
But I could do nothing about it, of course. No one listens to the stupid little Katie anyway...They all under estimate my intelligence level. I am really quite smart. But not smart enough to plan battle-tactics.
"Legging Lass, my dear!" I called when I saw the familiar blonde head. He was sitting with Pippin and Gimli, messing around with his arrows. Probably fixing them or something of the sort.
"It's Legolas," he corrected with the air of one who had said it many, many times.
"I know what your name is, stupid!"
"Sometimes I have to wonder about that, Katie," he muttered and I hit him with a stick I saw laying on the ground. He's just a dumb blonde (no offense to blondes)...
"Why are you interrupting our conversation?" Gimli raised an eyebrow in our direction.
"Wrecking havoc," I answered at the same time as Emily said, "Bugging you." We grinned at each other.
"Well that's nothing we haven't know from the beginning," Pippin threw in. I scowled at him. He's been taken over by the normal ones! Then again, they WERE all normal before we came along. Normal for Middle Earthians at least.
"Leeeegolas. Aragorn is busy. So guess what you get ta do wif Emily! You get to help me practice with my sword!" Emily said cheerfully, acting as though she was giving him a treat. I snorted, envisioning all the possible outcomes of Legolas helping Emily use her sword. There's always the scenario when they finish each other off...But no, Emily is the only insane person here and I need her intelligence (if she has any) and Legolas is simply to pretty to kill. Maybe if they just knocked each other out?
"Why can Katie help you? I don't have time to watch you make a fool out of yourself."
"That was cold, man...and Katie can't do it because Katie is an ignorant bow twanger, who can barely use a bow, let alone a sword," she explained in exasperation. That's mean...
"I resent that," I muttered and glared at her. She ignored my comments, as usual.
"Do you REALLY want some innocent bystander to loose an eye? From Katie, I mean," she threatened Legolas who seemed to be debating whether or not to help her.
"This ONCE I will pretend I didn't hear that."
"Well, it IS true Katie. You are impossible with weapons," she said.
"I'll start singing Rascal Flatts if you don't stop insulting me...and we all know how much Emily despises country," I said in an airy voice, looking up at the sky as though I was interested in the clouds.
"Please don't. You scare me with your awful singing--"
"That's it. I've got the lights turned up/ the door is locked, the bedroom TVs on/ Doin the only thing that gets me through the night since you've been--"
"STOP! Stop, stop, stop!" Emily cried and clapped her hands over her ears. I feel unloved. How can she diss Rascal Flatts? Or maybe it's just my voice... "I hate that song!" Nevermind, it's Rascal Flatts...stupid hobbitses.
"God, its not even really country...Doesn't sound like it anyway. It sounds normal!"
"Does too! It sounds nothing like normal music!" she objected stupidly. She's wrong, wrong, wrong! All wrong!
"Prep wanna-be!" I taunted in defense.
"Geek!" she shot back.
"Freak!"
"Nerd!"
"Normal!" I hissed, my eyes narrowing. That's right, I called her normal. No one disses my music and gets away with that. Her mouth dropped about an inch.
"I can't believe you just called me normal..."
"Well, I did. And you know what? It's--"
"ENOUGH!" Legolas interrupted. Though he had no idea of what we were arguing about, it seemed to just irritate him. "Emily, hurry up and get out your sword. I'll help you, just cease the movement of your mouths!"
"If that's even possible for you two," Pippin murmured. He and Gimli exchanging amused looks. Emily and I aren't the only ones who think it's funny when Legolas gets mad...Cool!
"Fine..." I crossed my arms and glared at him, content with sitting down in the space he has occupied before on the ground. To Pippin and Gimli, I said, "He's stupid."
"So are you," Gimli said fairly. Yes, fairly. I am stupid sometimes...but still, he shouldn't be so blunt.
"I tried to save you from the Ploogerhasenfischens! Don't make me regret that!"
"The what?" Pippin asked, confused. He hadn't been there when I explained so he didn't know what we were talking about. Poor lad...All confuzzled now! I started to fill him in on the details, but Gimli interrupted.
"It's a long story, lad, one that you'd rather not here, I assure--" he started to tell Pippin, causing me to give him insulted looks. How dare he interrupt me? I'm the only one who can do that!
"No, it's a very nice story, and you should really--" I started to interrupt HIM, but then he did the same to me.
"Not hear it," he cut in.
"You know, it's very hard to interrupt someone when they keep interrupting you," I muttered and looked pointedly at him. He ignored my dark glances and fixed his gaze on Legolas and Emily, who seemed to have started practicing while we were arguing. Mean Dwarf...
"You're foot work needs a little practicing on," Legolas was saying to Emily. He had a sword now, not his knives. He can magically conjure up swords! Awesome!
"I'm trying here!" she snapped in frustration and swung her sword up to block the attack he had moved on her. His hair was flying around in a sort of halo-looking way. She brought her sword up, and nearly clipped his head. Instead, she swung it through his flailing hair. Wow, he's good.he'd jumped back in time to save himself from uncertain death.
"Legolana, you smo smay?" I asked, peering over at the Elf, who was looking a little startled. He nodded anyway.
"Emily...try not to kill me. Please. Swords are sharp objects, and they CAN kill people," he reminded Emily seriously. He stared at her icily until she nodded and smiled weakly.
"Sorry," she muttered. Legolas muttered something under his breathe, that sounded suspiciously like, "toss them into the Anduin when we return to Gondor" and turned around. That's when I saw his hair. Most of it was perfectly normal and shiny and blonde and pretty and-yeah, you get the picture. But the other part, where Emily's sword went through.it was jaggedly cut. My mouth dropped about an inch. Then I started to giggle.
"What are you laughing at now?" Gimli turned and looked at me questioningly. I could only giggle even louder. Legolas looked like someone had tried to give him a haircut. The key word being tried. Instead of evenly cutting like normal people giving haircuts do, the section was severed off. Like someone had taken an ax to it. Or a sword.Pippin followed my line of eyesight, and immediately started to chuckle.
"Are you just going to sit there giggling like an idiot or are either of you going to tell me?" the Dwarf questioned haughtily. I simply pointed at the Elf's hair. He started to snicker along with us.
"Legolas! You might want to look in the mirror..." Gimli suggested to Legolas, who turned around and gave his friend a confused look. Emily caught his new "haircut" when he turned away from her and her eyes widened. She clamped her hands over her mouth, and her shoulders started to shake. Poor Legolas, even she started to laugh at him.
"S-S-Sorry, Legolas," she gasped out with a grin.
"What? What are you all laughing at?" he demanded, giving us the evil look.
"Um...your hair...kinda has a new...do..." I snorted again and dissolved into more giggles. He reached behind his head, and felt his hair, his eyes growing wide as his hand explored the damage done from Emily's sword. How her sword actually CUT his hair is beyond me. I would never expect THAT to cut someone's hair.
"EMILY!" he roared and whipped around. Uh oh, must save friend from certain death. I sprang up and latched myself on to Legolas's right arm before he could do something rash.
"Down, boy, down! It's not that bad. You just need to get the other parts fixed to that length and you won't look like someone took a chain saw to your head..." I reasoned, digging my heels into the ground in case he tried to get out of my grasp.
"Please don't kill me!" Emily begged, trying hard not to start laughing again.
"But--she--my hair!" he stuttered in outrage and looked at me darkly before shaking me off. I grabbed onto his arm again. Must restrain mental escapee! A P.O.ed Elven prince is not a pretty sight, I'll tell you. We would have probably been safer with Aragorn getting mad at us than Legolas.
"Liiiiiisten little Elf. I'm going to fix it for you." This obviously was not a bright idea. He cast his angry look to me, and I shrank back, but didn't let go of his arm. Must retain tight grip or Emily is as good as dead.
"Don't--touch--my--hair," he hissed and wrestled his arm away from me. Then he stormed off.
"Great job Einstein," I growled at Emily, who could only laugh. My God she's hopeless...
Eventually, Legolas DID let me fix his hair. With much wheedling and begging on Gimli, Pippin, and my part, and much cursing and laughing on Emily's part, at least. I mean, I WAS the only one with a handy pair of safety scissors (which I found in my trapper). Strange how those things pop up as they are necessary. It turned out perfectly fine. Really.
Okay, so I lied.
In truth, he wouldn't let me fix it. He adamantly refused my help, explaining that the day he let me do anything to his hair, Mordor would freeze over and the Valar would take a sick leave. In other words, never. That, of course, would simply not do. The poor lad would walk around with people snickering at him if he didn't let me help.
So what could I do? Well.the only thing that I could do, Watson. Drastic times called for drastic measures. I decided I'd fix his hair when he was not coherent. Or, in other words, when he was sleeping.
Luckily, Aragorn demanded that the little Elfling sleep. Everyone knows Elves can go without sleep for a pretty long time, which was what Legolas had been doing. But they do short out some time, you know. I mean, they aren't Ever Running Bunnies or anything. Aragorn was a good person too, for making him sleepy sleep. Because my plans would be foiled without that vital thing.
That night, after Aragorn had taken away Emily's sword for the rest of the day, and after Legolas and propped himself up against a tree, his arms crossed. I tried to innocently watch him, waiting for the time when his eyes would get all hazy and the lids droop halfway in Elven sleep.
My silent vigil continued until everyone around us was asleep and I could carry out my plot unnoticed. I couldn't have someone waking him up now, could I? No, of course not. Now, must arm self with safety scissors. I snapped the purple, pointed objects dangerously, and started to hum the Mission Impossible theme song.
As stealthily as I could (which meant stepping on at least ten twigs, kicking nearly five rocks aside, and tripping twice in the dark) I made my way over to the Elf. Amazingly enough he didn't wake up. VICTORY! Almost at least.
Carefully, I angled my scissors so that they were behind his head. Gently.gently.just a little off.oops. I picked up the hunk of blonde hair from the ground. And shrugged and continued to cut.
The first time around, I only screwed it up more. I tried cutting in straight across, but some parts were still jagged. By that time I had taken off at least two inches of his poor little hairs.
"Oops." I muttered under my breath. He was NOT going to be happy, and I was going to be a pincushion or something if I didn't fix his hair soon. So I had to take off another inch of his hair in order to fix my mistake. But much to my utmost annoyance, I had cut part of it unevenly.
"Dammit." He shifted in his sleep and I cringed, squeezing my eyes shut. Dammit it again. He settled again, still "asleep." I let out a sigh of relief and raised my scissors again. Meh, this was not going to turn out too good, I could just tell. I snipped a bit off here and there, an by the time I had finished, his hair reached just about an inch and a half past his shoulders. Some parts where shorted than the others by a hair (no pun intended), but it didn't look too bad. Not REALLY. Not to ME at least. Then again, anyone can tell you I don't pay much attention to little mess ups like those. So it looked sort of normal.right?
Oh God, the fangirls are going to kill me.
So is Legolas in fact.
But hey, I never claimed to be brilliant with a pair of scissors. It's Emily's fault she wanted to play hairdresser anyway. At least he didn't loose ALL of it.I look down at the fairly long strands of hair on the ground. I picked up the locks I had cut off. I could save these and sell them on E-bay!
"Bye! Come again to Katie's "I Will Fix Your Screwed Up Hair" Parlor!" I whispered and crept off with a wave. "Thanks for your hair donation!" I grabbed my scissors, and wandered back to where Emily and I had set up camp. BACK TO THE FORTRESS, MY CHEESE MONKEYS! I did a decent job, in my own opinion.
Sleep, I decided, was a good thing right then.
"Erm.Katie.wakey, wakey," Emily said loudly. I blinked, and rubbed the sleep from my eyes tiredly.
"Too.early.need.caffeine.cannot.go on.much longer.without.sacred caffeine," I managed to gasp out before covering my head with my Will Hat (which I slept in-my head got cold again). "Why are you waking me up so early?"
"Kaitlin Eileen Twiss!" Dammit.
"Uh oh, it's never good when they use the full name. Wait a minute- how'd you know my full and real name? CAN YOU READ MINDS, ELF BOY?"
"I told him," Emily muttered. Ooooh.
"Oh."
"KATIE! WHAT-DID-YOU-DO-TO-MY-HAIR?!" he hissed through his teeth, gesturing fiercely to his shortened blond tresses.
"I fixed it," I said slowly, wincing as his icy glare bore into me. Eh.maybe that wasn't such a great idea. "Sorry?"
"It's short!"
"Would you rather it long and uneven?"
"YES!"
"No you wouldn't, trust me. I did you a favor."
"Katie, Katie, Katie," he moaned and placed his hand on his forehead in irritation.
"Hey, I said sorry!"
"It's MY hair, not YOURS, therefore you are not to touch it! UNDERSTAND?" he said slowly and very loudly to drill it into my head. I gulped and nodded. Er.scary? I didn't understand actually. I helped him out! And now he's mad at me? I mean, it'll grow back, right? Right! So he had no reason to be P.O.ed still!
"Good!" He stalked off, grumbling about his hair loss. Emily started to laugh at me loudly for some reason or another and glared at her. Not that it helped.
"Katie," she moaned. Second time someone's moaned my name."You're so stupid!"
"Screw you." I muttered and went off in the other direction from Legolas, not wanting to run into him the other way. I could still here Emily laughing at me. Stupid hobbitses.she will feel my wrath soon enough! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! I yawned loudly, and peered around, searching for Aragorn's familiar face. Maybe he could fix Legolas's problem.
"Hey, dude," I greeted him as soon as I found him.
"Good morning, Katie," he answered relatively cheerfully. How do these people be HAPPY in the mornings? How do they do it? Maybe they're magical.
"Legolas is mad at me," I stated.
"What did you do to him now?" he asked with an exaggerated sigh.
"I helped his hair problem."
"Tell me you didn't cut it."
"I didn't cut it," I lied.
"Without lying."
"No comment."
"Katie," he moaned. Why is everyone moaning my name this morning? "Why in Eru's name did you think that'd make him happier?"
"Well, I get happy when my hair doesn't look wrong like his did." I said slowly. My reason was right, right?
"You did this knowing you would risk his wrath?"
"I kinda thought he'd appreciate it."
"You thought wrong, obviously."
"No need to rub it in."
"Katie.I have grown up around Elves. I've lived around them most of my life. They do NOT appreciate little girls trying to cut their hair," he said with a wry smile. At least someone thinks I'm amusing.hehe, I have attention!
"I didn't know that."
"Well, now you do. And you ought to remember it if you know what's good for you," he said and randomly squeezed my shoulder before walking off. Maybe I should remember that.
I went off in search of Emily. I had lost her when I went to talk to Aragorn, and she wasn't by our little camp out when I got back. My saddlebag was also gone. I poked around, looking for her. Eventually, I found her idly flipping through my dictionary of Elvish. My saddlebag lay in a heap next to her. She obviously went through my stuff to find the dictionary. Cheesy monkey girl.how dare she rummage through my stuff? Let's forget the fact that I do it all the time to other people, savvy?
"Auta miquila orqu!" she said randomly when I walked over to her.
"Your accent is terrible. Then again, so is mine..." I added as an after thought.
"Too right you are. Still mad at you?" she asked with a grin.
"Eh...yeah, of course." She giggled. "You shameless fool. It's your fault, you know. He really does like his hair, you know. You're so stupid, I can't believe you did that.He practically loves his hair, you know that."
"I think you like it more..."
"It's shiny!"
"Is that all?"
"And soft, and it smells good. And it's...shiny..."
"Riiiight..."
"Es ist hübscher als Aragorns Haar..." I muttered in German. (It's prettier than Aragorn's hair.)
"Don't EVEN start."
"Wasn't going to."
"Then why were you speaking German, HUH?" she asked with a wry look.
"Because I was."
"What's that in your hand?" she pointed to my balled up fist. I opened it and showed her the five inches of blonde hair that I collected.
"Legolas hair!"
"Wow."
"Yeah, I know. I'm gonna make meself a wig."
"A wig? How?"
"With a hat and glue!" I exclaimed happily and sat down next to her. I stuck my hand into my bag, and pulled out the sacred Gandalf Hat. Okay, so it wasn't sacred, it was just nifty. "Got any glue, dear, Watson?"
"Katie. Why on earth would I have GLUE?"
"Uh.because you're nice? I take it you don't."
"Of course I don't. Look in your trapper. You have practically everything in there.Hey, do you think it's magically? Because I could have sworn you left your scissors at my house the day before we poofed here, but they were in your trapper today," she mused slowly, raising her eyebrows in question.
"Nah, you gave them to me and the beginning of first hour."
"Oh." We fell silent, she peering down at the pages in the dictionary and me poking through my belongs for glue. Finally, with a triumphant cry, I found it. I'm so good! I grabbed the nifty Gandalf Hat and squirted a thick line of glue all the way around the brim. Then, I gathered up the longer pieces of blonde hair I had, and stuck them strategically on the glue line. It looked rather stupid, and it didn't really work, but I was happy and didn't care.
Several places I had to give only a sparse line of hair because of my shortage. I barely had enough to go around. When I finished, I set the hat aside and gave Emily a broad smile of gleefulness.
"You are pathetic," she said with a sigh and rolled her eyes.
"No, I'm just special!" I corrected her and pulled on her ear for no reason. "You have metal ears!" She whapped me with her hand to make me shut up (which I didn't) and continued to read in peace (not). For the next fifteen minutes I bugged her in numerous ways, until she simply screamed, "KATIE, LEAVE ME ALONE!" Then I decided it was best to let sleeping turkeys lie sleeping, whatever that meant.
"Look, my hat is dry!" I cried happily after five more minutes. She ignored me. Again. Why am I always ignored? I have good ideas, but I'm always ignored. What kind of world is this if people don't listen to each other? Anyway, I plunked to Gandalf Hat onto my head and beamed at Emily. Perfecto!
Well, almost at least.
"You look like.like a hippie or something," Emily said when she saw me. My only problem with my ingenious plan was that I stupidly put hair around ALL of the brim. Therefore, it looked like I had over grown blond bangs.
"That's okay. All the more stupid the better, right? Right."
"Hey, Katie?"
"Hm?"
"Why are people starting to move again?"
"Maybe 'cause.we're leaving?" I suggested slowly, putting two and two together.
"You think we should too?"
"Well, that would be the smart thing to do..." We looked at eachother, I shoved my stuff into my saddle bag, then we took off running to where I left Obstinate Fool. They mustn't leave without us! The ground dipped downward, forming almost a hill, causing us to go faster and faster as we raced for the horse. Must slow down...oh no...ooooh no...Legolas was standing near Obstinate Fool. And guess who was about to crash into him?
"KATIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Damn it.
**************
Well.wasn't that fun?
I'm sad.this is almost done.but hey, you never know when Katie and Emily might strike again.*hint hint* Right? Right! MUHAHAHAHAHA! *stops cackling when she starts to choke* Er.yeah.
Yeah...Katie gets to rip out bathroom tiles...COWER BEFORE MY FEET, RANDOM WALL TILES! BWHAUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It's bloody hard to get those tiles off the wall sometimes, ya know. So it's actually work. It's not just a walk in the park...dun dun da dun...*coughs* Uh, yeah, I like saying that...
The Milkman: Ooo...octupuses! Of course I recognized you as you. I couldn't very well recognize you as anyone else, because like you said, that's just screwy. *nods matter of factly* You should be proud of me, by the way. I've been listen to something NON-COUNTRY. *ranodm peoples applaud* Katie has been listening to Evanescence. So be happy, for she is no longer one-music- genre!
saiyan-girl-cheetah: S'okies! ^_^ I'm busy too...school starting up for me too. o_o it's scary, I don't wanna go back to the darkness of school...*shivers and twitches*
legolas stalker: Yay! Hyperness! Yeah, I did notice that. However, I would rather just watch, because being an arrow sounds uncool. Because, if you think about it, arrows have to do dirty work, like kill people (or Orcs) and get shoved into quivers and the darkness and broken. And other stuff. But eh, if you wanna be an arrow...be an arrow, I say! *applauds and smiles broadly* Harold should be ruler of the world. Or at least ruler of Bosnia. Or something like that.
Dy: Ah, my poor weedy friend...He is unloved. . Oh well, I loves him, and he's happy because of such!