DISCLAIMER: I won no Tolkien stuff. I only own Katie, Emily, Algeren, Harold, Obstinate Fool, etc etc. I CLAIM NO RIGHTS TO LOTR! DON'T KILL ME! *cowers in a corner* All of my crazy, insane ideas/antics/suicide missions belong to me too.

In Which Emily Quotes People and Her Shoes

Or

Seemingly Harmless Yet Incredibly Fatal Projectile

Or

Everyone Is Wounded Chapter!

CHAPTER TWELVE

With my "amazing" brain, I realize counting the Orcs was a futile thing. You simply cannot play the "How Many Orcs Do You See?" game with them. There is entirely too many. It would be a great feat if you accomplished such a thing. Anyone who counts them all, I would hold in great respect. In other words, there were a LOT of Orcs.

"Katie?" Emily prodded my shoulder.

"Hm?"

"I want a teacozy!"

"A what?"

"A teacozy! So people will call me Jacob the Teacozy!" she explained as though it were obvious. I looked at her like she was crazy. Wait, nevermind, she WAS crazy. But not crazy enough to think about teacozys at a time like this! WHO, while in possibly one of the most dangerous battles of all time, thinks about how she wants a teacozy?

"Greeeat…" I muttered and fixed my gaze on the clashing armies. Algeren was next to us, watching just as intently as I was. I knew just how badly he wanted to go out there and kick some Orc ass. The problem was, he was stuck baby-sitting Emily and I. I, naturally, felt bad for him. The dude was TRYING To get revenge, but he was left with us. Poor soul…

We were trying to stay safe, out of the way from everything. We were crouching behind a handy rock. Algeren fought off the random Orcs that tried to come after us, but I could tell he wanted to get into the thick of the battle.

"Hey…you can go on your battle rampage if you want," I offered him. He gave me a look that said, "Do you want the Elf to let me live or not?" Legolas had threatened him, under pain of death, not to leave us alone. Dumb blonde ass…Algeren wanted to kick the Orcs back to the fiery pit where they were spawned, but nooo, it's "watch the brats, soldier!" The Elf is so unfeeling sometimes.

"Kaaaaatie."

"Hm?" I looked at Emily.

"' Dmitriy, if we live through this, remind me to thank you!'" she quoted from the movie Anastasia. I started to roll my eyes, but stopped and grinned. Hmmm…maybe for once she'll THANK me for something, even if I don't know why she was!

"I vill hold you to zat!" I said in an accent. Don't ask me why I was speaking in an accent.

"Will both of you be silent?" Algeren muttered and turned around to scold us. Suddenly, a horse of Orcs stampeded over to us, intent on killing. Algeren fought off most of them, but in doing so, he lost us in the throng of men and Orcs. Great. Stuck in a battle with no weapon.

"ALGEREN! DON'T LET US DIEEE!" Emily was yelling. It was useless, of course, since Algeren was gone. We were all alone and weaponless. Oh cheesy monkeys, we're gonna die! Even I wasn't stupid enough to go out in a battle with no weapon.

"Katie, we have to find Algeren!" Emily said worriedly. I gave her the look. Obviously SHE was that stupid…

"Emily, dear, look around. Look at yourself. Do you have any weapons?" She shook her head. "Do you think we'll last five minutes out there WITHOUT weapons?" Another head shake. "Do you really want to die?" Head shake. "So, taking into consideration all aforementioned facts, do you think it would be wise to go after our comrade and guard?" One final, dejected head shake. "I rest my case."

"But we aren't entirely safe here either," she pointed out.

"Safer here than out there."

"Katie, please—KATIE!" she suddenly yelled and pulled me backward. I fell over her sprawled out figure.

"Why—oh." I looked at the grisly black Orc standing above us. It grinned cruelly and raised it's sword. I looked again at it's merciless face. How lovely, my last view before death will be an Orc's bloody, disgusting teeth. "Ew" does not even begin to describe them.

"Uhhhh…hi," I said slowly and gingerly backed away. Emily did the same. "You can go away now." The Orc laughed harshly and gripped it's sword tighter, then started to swing. I scrunched up into a fetal position and closed my eyes tightly. Pure fear gripped me.

"DON'T KILL US!" I screamed in a futile attempt at saving our skins. However, the death blow never came. I opened one eye, then another, and looked up to see…Emily? Her eyes were blazing and a look of sheer pride at what she had accomplished was plastered on her face. A bloody sword was in her hand.

"I killed it, Katie, I killed it! GO MEH!" she yelled gleefully. I looked at the blade she held in her hands, and the dead or at her feet. I let out a shaky laugh.

"You killed it," I repeated, gulping. I regained my composure, and sprang to my feet. Soopa Emily to the rescue! She poked around the dead bodies for a moment, and withdrew a Man-made bow, and an empty quiver.

"I'll help you collect arrows," she offered and we darted between alive and dead people, refilling my quiver with used arrows in a short amount of time.

"NOW let's go find Algeren!" I said and we marched off. I was still a little shaky, and Emily was still feeling proud of herself for saving me.

***********

Uh oh.

Dammit.

This was just our luck…

Why did it have to be him? Why? Why not someone nice like Aragorn or Gimli or Pippin?

Why did it have to be the Elf?

"Katie…Emily…Perhaps you would care to explain WHY you are here, without Algeren, and in possession of weapons."

"Erm…no, we wouldn't care to explain, we rather like letting you wonder," I said, smiling weakly.

"Please don't kill us, please don't kill us," Emily was chanting. Except it wasn't really helping. If looks could kill…

"WHAT—ARE—YOU—DOING—HERE?" he demanded to know in a loud voice, almost screaming. I winced and cringe. Ehmmm…why did I get the feeling I wouldn't live past the rest of the day.

"Well…we were sort of looking for Algeren because we sort of got kind of separated from him. So it sort of isn't out fault," I told him, purposely adding in the numerous 'sort of's and 'kind of's to annoy him. He pulled us away from the thick of the battle before letting us have it full blast.

"SO WHY ARE YOU HERE ALONE? Couldn't you have found someone to watch over you?" he growled, and stopped talk to gut an Orc. "I purposely told you to stay away from the battle. And where are you know? IN THE VERY MIDDLE OF THE BATTLE!" His voice was gradually rising to a level of pure shouting. Emily and I both blinked and exchanged glances. I didn't know about here, but I was worried he was going to spontaneously self combust from anger right then and there. Fortunately (or unfortunately, whichever way you care to look at it) he did no such thing. Just got really, really mad.

"Whenever I try to keep you safe, you purposely evade my orders! Do you not understand I'm doing it to keep you both alive? It doesn't help if you keep running off like you do!" he vented. "What do you have to say for yourselves!?"

"Uh…" Emily started to say stupidly. Legolas' knives flashed, marking her pause and watch as he killed another Orc.

"Sorry?" I offered gingerly. His eyes burned into my own until I looked downward. I guess he wanted a better apology… "We humbly request your forgiveness, oh mighty exalted one." He didn't miss the sarcasm in my voice.

"Me too," Emily added. Legolas' eyes narrowed, as though he were trying to see if we were sincere or not. Which of course we were. We'd NEVER been insincere in all out lives. Seriously. BELIEVE me.

"Just—stay close while I find somewhere to put you," he muttered, looking as though he was trying very hard not to kill us. I saluted, and held my bow up and loaded it with an arrow. I shot a random Orc to show him I was ready. Naturally, my shot fell short of the target. What did I expect? I grinned sheepishly at the Elf, who rolled his eyes in answer.

"Come," he ordered and beckoned us to follow. Emily and I trailed after his blonde head quietly as we could, not wanting to irritate him further. He twirled his knives, weaving in and out of the bodies, slicing at Orc flesh and stabbing them. I watch him with interest. Hm. The dude is a fighting machine, I had to give him that. He knew what he was doing. I smirked as an Orc screamed particularly loudly as he killed it.

And that's when I saw it.

I saw IT.

The big, scary purple penguin of doom coming to take our souls.

Or rather not.

I actually saw an arrow.

Let me explain the importance of said arrow. This arrow (not the big, scary, purple penguin of doom who was coming to take our souls), the thin, wooden, seemingly harmless yet incredibly fatal pointy projectile was speeding through the air at a very alarming rate. This seemingly harmless yet incredibly fatal projectile was speeding through the air at an alarming rate right toward Legolas' unsuspecting Elven self.

"Shit. Shit, shit, shit. ELF ABOUT TO GO DOWN!" I yelled and waved my arms around. Legolas tried to make out my screaming. I inwardly groaned, and did the only thing I COULD do. When your mellon is in trouble, you gotta do what yah gotta do.

In this case, I had to dive in front of the seemingly harmless yet incredibly fatal projectile.

"KATIE!" I heard Emily scream. Time slowed down. Sort of. I hit Legolas with an almighty THUD and he toppled forward. I shielded my head with my arms and prayed this was not the end. Must not be the end...must not be the end…Ooooh, God, don't let it be the end.

And then I felt it hit my skin. Right through my stomach. I gasped, and bent over in pain. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, OW! IT HURTS!

"Mmmhhppphurp," I groaned and fell to my knees. The world was fading…there was a light at the end of the tunnel…er…okay, nevermind that. Emily and Legolas pulled me over behind another handy rock wall type thing.

"Don't move, Katie," Legolas ordered. I blinked the stars out of my eyes. Those were only replaced by flashing lights of blue and red. Ooooh…pretty fireworks.

"Is it the fourth of July?" I asked dumbly. I was not particularly coherent, concentrating only on the ache in my torso. "Emily, I never knew the Gondorians had a fourth of July, did you?"

"Emily, help me sit her up," Legolas told Emily. I squinted at him through my daze. Why'd he think I needed help sitting up again?

"Hold up, mate, I can sit up by me onesies!" I slurred and leaned forward. Then promptly fell back down. That's why I needed help.

"Bloody hell…" I muttered drowsily. I looked down at my hands clutched around my wound, and pulled them back slightly to see my hands stained with red blood. My blood. Meeeeh…sickness coming along right about now. The sight of my own crimson blood made me want to hurl. Or cry. And since I really didn't want to hurl all over Legolas, who was nice enough to help me sit up, I did the lather.

My tears came out fat and big. I was a pathetic blob of salty crying, simply sitting on the ground blubbering. TOO MUCH BLOOD IS SCARY! I wanted HOME, where no one stabs Katie, and no one ties Katie from trees, and no one gives Katie arrows in her stomach! The only danger at my house is my brother, whom I can cope with. BUT NOT THE BLOOD!

"It's red!" I managed to choke out before I dissolved into sobs again.

"You noticed," Emily murmured and patted my shoulder.

"And it hurts like—like hell!" I moaned. So what if I was being a baby? I had good reason! It's not everyday you get stuck with a seemingly harmless yet incredibly fatal projectile. And see your own blood pouring from your stomach, pooling around a stick, which is inserted in your skin. So you see, anyone would be scared. I was no exception. "I w-wanna go hooome!" And again with the crying.

"Katie, shhh, stop crying!" Legolas cried helplessly. He obviously doesn't deal with many crying people like meself. Poor guy. Try as I might (okay, so I didn't try that hard), I couldn't stop sobbing. "Please? Katie, I need you to calm down so I can take the arrow out." I looked up at him instantly, my eyes wide. Why are the words "take", "arrow", and "out in the same sentence? WHY?

"W-W-What?"

"I need to take it out. If I don't, you'll be hurting a lot worse than you are already," he said slowly, placing one hand on my shaking shoulder. I blinked and turned a fearful gaze to him.

"No way! It's gonna HURT, man!" I snapped, and wiped my wet eyes on the back of my hand.

"Katie, I am sorry, but I need to get it out," he pleaded.

"No! I don't want it to hurt more!"

"Emily…" Legolas looked at Emily for help. She sighed, and slammed her hands down on my shoulder, efficiently locking me in a tight grip against the ground. I squirmed, but some how she held me down. NO!

"This can't be legal," I muttered. Legolas ignored me and put one hand on my shoulder, then gripped the arrow with the other one.

"On three," he said calmly. "One…" This is going to hurt so bad. "Two…" Oh my—DAMN! HE LIED! HE SAID ON THREE! I screamed as he yanked the arrow from my stomach. It brought fresh tears to my eyes from the agony. I felt like the wind had suddenly been knocked from me, even though I didn't land against anything. Why are the croutons punishing me as such? WHY? I never did anything against them! I ate them with love and care, and yet THIS is how they repay me? LAW SUIT!

"Liar…you said THREE!" I gasped and moved my hand to clutch my midsection. Legolas batted my hand away and swiftly took off his cloak and bundled it up against the gaping hole. I winced as he put pressure on it. "Stop pressing on it! It hurts more that way!"

"I need to cut off the blood so you don't loose more," he explained patiently. "Can you hold it yourself?" I nodded. "It's imperative that you hold it tightly, or I fear you'll loose too much blood. And that, my young friend, is not something we want happening." He showed me where to apply pressure. I finally stopped crying at that time, except for the occasional sniffle. My emotional break down was over with for the time being.

"Grrr…I hate arrows. I'm going to have a bonfire of Orc arrows when we get back to Gondor!" I said, mostly to myself. Legolas snorted and shook his head.

"I must go back to the fight. Don't move from this spot," he said firmly, and his eyes told us there'd be dire consequences if we disobeyed him again. He had nothing to worry about…as far as I was concerned, moving was not a top thing to do on my list. "I will return shortly."

Emily saluted him and I only whimpered. He squeezed my shoulder, then jumped back into the battle, knives twirling, hair flying.

As it turned out, Legolas did NOT return shortly. About forty-five minutes we waited. Finally, we heard someone come around the rock. Yay! He has returned to the land of the wounded yet living children! We are saved from the dark pit of slime! PRAISE THE PENCIL TOPPERS!

"It's about time, Legolas!" Emily muttered. I could only groan my happiness (imagine how that sounded…) and shift my position to greet the approaching Elf.

Except it WASN'T Legolas.

In fact, it was something much worse. Another Orc. I bit back a cry of irritation. THEY'RE MULTIPLYING! The Green Monkeys of Rudabega Land were after us! AWAY DEMON FROM HELL! Why do we always get picked on anyway? I mean, just because we're little brats is no reason for half of Mordor to come after our guts! I feel unloved…

"Not another one," Emily groaned. I felt around beside my for my bow—quite a task, considering I could barely move without feeling pangs in my gut. If I could just get my weapon though…I'd be able to shoot the Orc…WHERE'S MY FROOT-LOOPIN' BOW?!? I looked around anxiously, and spotted it resting against the rock face some four feet away. Damn it! Why'd Legolas have to move it? My quiver was next to me. But the bow was way over there! I stretched out as far as I could go. I couldn't go more than a foot away from my weapon. GAAAHHH! BAD! Emily stood up, sword in a defending position. Go Emily. The Orc swung his blade forward. She amazing didn't die and fended him off. I tried to stretch forward more.

As I reached, spasms of pain kept washing over my stomach wound. 'This is bad...' I thought. It was no time for me to start being a wuss! Let's forget the fact that I normally WAS a wuss. I moved forward. The Evil Polar Bear (aka The Orc) from Hades swiped at Emily again. She ducked swiftly, and came up just in time to parry another blow. ALMOST GOT THE BOW!

I leaned forward and my fingers tightened around it. SCORE! I snatched it up and held it happily before quickly stringing up an arrow. Emily pulled her sword up as the Orc did. I aimed carefully with my bow. My tongue was between my teeth in concentration. Do you know how hard it is to fire a bow half laying, half sitting down? Very hard, I can tell you.

The Orc's sword suddenly came down, then back up before Emily could realize what happened, getting past her weapon. The metal object jabbed into her shoulder. She cringed and hunkered over in pain. Uhhh…I guess I better hurry. I let the arrow go, and it flew. Right over the Orc's shoulder. DAMN THIS BOW! I quickly loaded it again and launched the second arrow. Much to my happiness and surprise, it hit the Orc squarely in the forehead. I PULLED A LEGOLAS! Wait till he hears…I let out a sigh of relieg as it's disgusting body dropped down, satisfyingly lifeless. SCORE FOR LAVERN!

"Katie!" Emily gasped and sunk to her knees. "It took you long enough!" she pushed out and leaned against the rock face for support. Is that all she can say after I save her life? I don't get that…Especially when my own physical condition is not top shape!

"Uh…sorry?" I said tentatively. She sighed and shook her head, gripping her shoulder.

"It's like my shoes always say. 'When life gives you a sword, kill Katie because she's too stupid to live,'" she quoted. She needs to get over this quoting obsession. It's not entirely healthy for her.

"I thought it was, 'When life gives you a sword, go join Jack and Will on the Black Pearl,'" I

mused.

"That too."

************

And there you have it. A whoppin five pages. GO MEH!

I like torturing our fanfic selves. It's fun to watch Fanfic!Katie wriggle in pain. *laughs insanely*

I'm making meself a t-shirt that says "I'm a crazy, insane, weird, disturbed, bizarre, obsessed, abnormal, angst-loving, annoying fanfiction writer." It shall be spiffy and wondiferious.

Legolas stalker: I want your shirt. I WANT IT REALLY BAD! *cries quietly* Oh no, MARK HAS TO LIKE KATIE! *sniffs* Everyone loves KATIE. Right? Right-o!

Dy: *glares and hugs Harold who is very scared* Back off. My dandelion. *hisses* AWAY DEMON!

Andray: What, you thinks Katie doesn't comfort people? You're right. Just kidding…I'm seriously a nice, normal, little girl with a pink room and matching shirts and pants. *pauses* Actually, that's some other kid. I'm actually a weirdo. But you already knew that.