Chapter Four
Monday morning I discover that getting dressed is harder than it used to be.
"I have nothing to wear," I whine to Rory when she answers the phone.
"Lane?"
"I hate all my clothes."
"It's okay, just calm down."
"I can't calm down," I say. "I hate that he does this to me, that he turns me into one of these self-conscious clothes obsessed teenaged girls."
"Dave?"
"Yes, Dave! Who else would I be talking about? No one! Because I'm obsessed!"
"You are hardly obsessed, Lane. With Dave or with clothes."
"I want to look nice," I pout.
"You will, you always do. When are you seeing him?"
"Later tonight. Him and Jess are getting together again and he wants me to stop by. And of course I have nothing to wear because I'm ugly and all my clothes look bad on me."
"Calm down, Lane. Deep breath," Rory instructs. I hear the banging of her dresser drawers as she searches for some lost piece of her uniform. "Now there has to be something in your closet that is conservative enough to get passed your Mom but cool enough to make you look normal."
"No, there's nothing."
"Lane, you have to work with me."
"There is nothing in this closet that I like Rory. Used to I didn't even care, but now thanks to Dave I've warped into a stupid teenage girl. I might as well buy the Justin Timberlake CD and mourn the break up of him and Britney."
"This is completely natural, okay? When Dean and I first started dating I was a wreck when it came to doing my hair and picking out clothes and all that stuff. It's going to get easier."
"Lane?" Mom calls from downstairs. "What are you doing up there? You have school!"
"I'm getting dressed, Mama!"
"What is taking so long? You are thinking too much! You should not think so much about clothes."
And I completely agree with her. Maybe if there were one article of clothing in my closet that she allowed me to pick out I wouldn't have to think so much.
"Just a second!" I holler, pulling a white oxford shirt from its hanger. I can button it up all the way to pass Mama Kim's inspection and undo the top two buttons to help me blend in at school.
"I want to tell my Mom about Dave," I announce to Rory.
"Wow," Rory says. "That was random."
"Well I found something to wear so now I can move on."
"I agree, I think you should tell your Mom," Rory encourages. "I mean, the whole thing with Henry got screwed up because you didn't tell her and it turns out she would have been fine with it."
"Yes, but Henry was Korean. I knew she would be fine with him, I just…" I search for an explanation that will satisfy Rory. "I didn't want to share him with Mom…I wanted a part of me that was secret from her."
"What do you mean?" Rory asks. Understandable. How could I expect Rory to understand something like wanting privacy from my mother?
"Henry was really special because he was the first guy to ever notice me and I guess I was just afraid that by sharing him with Mom she would ruin the specialness for me."
"How would she do that?"
I sigh.
"Never mind, it doesn't matter," I say.
"Don't get frustrated, I'm just trying to understand."
"Don't you ever have moments with Jess that are so special and private that you feel as if it would spoil it if you shared them with someone? Especially someone who you know might not accept your feelings for him?"
"Yeah," Rory says, voice barely audible. She understands now. "When Jess showed up at Sookie's wedding…"
Rory's voice trails off and I tie the drawstring of my khaki pants while I wait for her to gather her thoughts. Sookie's wedding is never anything we've ever discussed in great detail. I know a vague outline of events, he kissed her and that's when she decided to go to Washington for the summer. Other than that Rory has been entirely close mouthed on the subject, until now.
"He told me I looked nice. He'd never said anything like that before. I think the closest thing he ever said was some fumbled comment about my hair looking different. I know it doesn't sound like much, considering Dean was always telling me that I looked beautiful, but somehow hearing Jess say it was different."
We're quiet for a second.
"Lane!" Mom calls.
"I gotta go," I say, hanging up before Rory can even say goodbye. I feel guilty. Here Rory just made herself vulnerable to me and I had to hang up on her. I'm lucky she understands the way my life works.
That evening I find her studying at Luke's with a coke and plate of French fries.
"Howdy," I say.
"Oh, hey," Rory says, eyes glazed from staring into her textbook for so long.
"I'm so sorry about this morning," I say. "Mom was getting impatient."
"I totally understand," Rory says. I wonder how long it's going to take for her to open up to me again about that afternoon at Sookie's wedding. I feel a flash of frustration with my mother and the way she is always making me compromise Rory and mine's friendship.
"How's the studying going?" I ask.
"Good," Rory says, squeezing her eyes tight. "I think I need reading glasses."
"Not surprising," I say.
"I know," she says. She blinks a couple of times. "You know he's upstairs, right?"
"Dave? Yeah. Why are you down here?"
"Him and Jess are listening to music. I hung with them for a little bit but it's kind of hard to study to Tool."
"Understandable," I say.
I sit across from Rory and pull out my history book and a legal pad.
"You're not going up?" she asks.
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"I'm studying."
"Lane," Rory says, rolling her eyes at me.
"What? I have a big history test tomorrow."
"And you don't have time to just run upstairs and give Dave a little hello kiss?"
"In front of Jess?"
"Jess has seen people kiss before, Lane," Rory says.
"I know, it's just awkward."
"How is Jess seeing you kiss Dave awkward?"
"Dave and I have only been together a few days, I don't know that we're really at that point in our relationship yet."
"What point?"
"The point of kissing in front of other people. We have a hard enough time kissing when it's just the two of us."
"It's not that hard. You walk upstairs, you knock on the door, you say 'I'm downstairs studying with Rory, I just wanted to say hi,' you give him a little peck on the cheek and you leave."
"What if it embarrasses him to have me kiss him in front of his friends?" I ask, wringing my hands.
"Then he's an idiot because Jess does not care if Dave kisses his girlfriend."
"What if when I lean in to kiss him he turns his head and I'm left looking stupid?"
"Why would Dave turn his head?" Rory asks.
"Not on purpose," I say. "On accident. Like Jess says something to him and he turns his head to respond."
"I swear to you nothing like that will happen. And definitely don't worry about looking stupid in front of Jess because the first time him and I tried to kiss it was totally awkward."
"I thought your first kiss was at Sookie's wedding."
"It was, I meant the first time we tried to kiss as a couple and not just when I was cheating on my boyfriend."
Rory's voice is sharp and she averts her eyes from my face to the words of her textbook. I set my hand on top of hers.
"Rory," I say. She brushes away frustrated tears and munches on a French fry.
"I know that I'm with Jess now and everything, but I still just feel so lousy about what happened with Dean and me."
"It's okay to feel lousy," I say.
"No it's not, it frustrates Jess."
"Why does it frustrate Jess?"
Rory shrugs and I can tell by the conflicted expression on her face that Jess and she have fought about this recently.
"He hates that I consider our first kiss a mistake when it meant so much to him."
"Oh," I say. I'm not real sure what to say to this. Dave and mine's first kiss was so magical, so perfectly timed, so desired. I think I would be crushed too if I found out he considered it a mistake. But Rory is more aware of her conscience than Jiminy Cricket, I understand why she feels guilty about what happened at Sookie's wedding.
"I mean, it was a great kiss and everything, the one at the wedding, but still…"
"It's over, Rory," I say with a shrug. "You and Dean are over and yes you made some mistakes but so did he."
"No he didn't," Rory says, jaw set in a determined manner. "He was perfect."
"He was a good boyfriend, yes, but he wasn't perfect. He shouldn't have let his anger about Jess and you build up for so long, he shouldn't have dumped you at the marathon in front of everyone. You both made mistakes, Rory. He's not the victim and you're not the culprit, you're just Dean and Rory."
Her smile is weak but it's there nonetheless. She shrugs and readjusts her textbook.
"Go tell Dave hello," she says.
"I won't be gone long," I say. "Just long enough to humiliate myself."
Rory grins, lifts her head. I see her eyes catch on something behind me.
"Oh crap, oh crap," she hisses, color draining from her face. She clutches my arm. "Don't leave me. Don't turn around."
"What is it?" I ask, cringing as she unconsciously digs her fingernails into my skin.
"Dean, he's coming in. I'm screwed. Please don't leave me."
"I'm not going anywhere, settle down."
"Act like you're studying," she instructs, releasing my arms, hiding behind her book as the door opens. Now she has me all nervous, I can hardly hold my pen.
"Hey Rory, Lane," Dean says, standing beside our table.
"Hey," Rory stammers, barely raising her eyes to him before returning them to her textbook.
"You studying for Mclellan's history test?" Dean asks, motioning to my book.
"Not very successfully," I say.
"Yeah, me neither."
There's a silence, rigid and awkward. I try to think of something to say but my mind is blank. Dean clears his throat.
"Could I have a moment alone with Rory, Lane?" Dean asks, never moving his eyes from her face. I don't know what to do. Rory asked me not to leave her, but I can hardly say this to Dean, especially when he looks the way he does now, on the brink of tears.
"It's fine, Lane," Rory says, sensing the reason for my hesitation.
"I'll be upstairs," I say.
I've never been up in Luke's apartment before and the whole idea of it makes me a little uncomfortable. He's such a private person that being in the very room he sleeps in makes me feel like an intruder. I knock before I enter.
"Hey you!" Dave calls. Him and Jess are sitting on the couch with a pile of CDs in front of them. The music is softer than I'd expected and I can tell I've interrupted a conversation.
"I didn't mean to interrupt," I say, blushing.
"Are you kidding? I'm glad to see you. Come on in," Dave stands up to kiss me hello.
"What's Rory doing?" Jess asks.
"Oh just studying," I say.
"Yeah? I think we had the music up a little loud for her," Jess says.
"Lane, you've gotta check out this band. The bass player is a friend of Jess' in New York and they're awesome."
"Cool," I say. Dave hands me the CD case, which has a big picture of a cow on it. I think it's weird for a New York City band to have a livestock picture on their cover. This is kind of embarrassing, but sometimes at night I get so wrapped up in the idea of being a drummer for a famous rock band that I start designing album covers and costumes. Sometimes I even stand in front of my bathroom mirror and pretend I'm the lead singer.
"Well maybe I'll go downstairs and check on Rory," Jess says.
"No you really shouldn't," I say, fumbling with the case and cringing when it lands on the hardwood floor.
"Why?" Jess asks.
"She's just really involved in her studying," I fib. "You know how Rory gets."
"Lane what's going on?"
"Nothing, I would just hate for you to walk all the way down there just to get blown off."
"Lane."
I sigh.
"She's with Dean," I say.
Jess swears, runs a hand through his hair and starts pacing the apartment.
"He just happened to showed up, he wanted to talk to her, that's all," I say. Why do I keep talking? Be quiet Lane!
"That's cool," Jess says, but the way he's acting is not cool. "Well, I'm just going to happen to wander downstairs."
"Don't turn it into a big deal, man," Dave warns.
"Got it," Jess calls over his shoulder, apartment door slamming behind him.
I turn to Dave.
"You would be a lousy CIA agent," he says.
"This is not funny," I insist.
"It's okay, Lane, it's not your problem."
"It is my problem. Rory's my best friend and Dean is a good friend and Jess is some kind of friend and I hate this whole triangle thing."
"Shh," Dave soothes, pulling me against his sweater, rubbing my back. I relax against him and take a deep breath. Dave has a spicy, sweet smell to him, like nutmeg.
He tilts my face up for a kiss, then grins and tangles a hand in my hair.
"You look beautiful today," he says, making me feel foolish for my clothing escapade this morning.
Dave and I lounge on the couch, listening to the music of Jess' friend's band.
"I think it's weird that a New York band would choose a cow for the cover," Dave says. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
I grin, graze his face with my eyes.
"I had that exact same thought earlier."
Dave touches his nose to mine and feels my cheek with his fingertips.
"I think we were made for each other," he says.