Alucard leaned back against the wall again, and emptied his cup; staring at the ceiling, the silence was deadening...like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. Not like they needed to breath or anything; he smiled lightly.
"I have been meaning to ask you something as well."
"But you can just read my mind."
"Yes I can, but I'd rather hear it from you." He turned to face her after a moment's pause, his head slightly tilted and the color of his eyes a solemn red.
"Why did you accept, that night almost three years ago, when you became one of the undead?"
Seras raised her head and looked at him, then turned her head away and looked at something else.
"Everyone was dead; everyone I worked with, like you said, my co-workers and friends were all turned to the hideous ghouls and died. My father had died previously also; there was no one left for me to turn to, and nowhere left to run.
I was cornered. I wanted to fulfill the lives of all my co-workers and friends, revenge maybe...but I had no idea that it'd be this difficult..." Her eyes blinked quickly to her empty cup. Alucard looked at her, and moved his hand to her face, tugging at the side of her cheek for her to look at him.
Her eyes were filled with a sense of sorrow and remorse as she remembered that night.
"The one thing that never changes is life or death. Everything is difficult." His eyes were intent on her, just as he thought of something. "Hmm...You say you wanted revenge. But it was that fool of a vampire who made your friends ghouls...why would you want to become something that has those kinds of capabilities, if you despised them in the first place?" He paused.
"I remember well the bullets you fired at me."
Even though he turned her head to him, she looked down; silent for a minute, she afterwards began speaking again.
"It was either die and be buried, or die and still be able to walk and talk and see things. I knew that, according to my previous position on the D-11, it would have been unacceptable...but...nobody was left...to tell me so."
The hand he placed on her chin wrapped around her neck as he turned his own aching body to face her, and then moved his other hand around the back of her neck to pull her into an innocent hug.
"That is the sad thing about being a human, Seras, and still feeling like if you were stronger, then you could have done something. But you would not have been able to. It is the mentality of humans to think that with nothing left, there is only revenge." He stopped briefly, trying to get her gaze and see her thoughts.
"That is why I am surprised that you did not try to take it out on me, as I am a vampire as well."
Seras closed her eyes, finding herself in a rut. "I do not know, master."
He looked slightly amused at this, a little bit of concern mixed into it as he barely noted Seras' growing depression. He reluctantly let go of her, so she sat back sturdily on her knees again.
"Not all questions are meant to be answered, just considered. Your humanity is obviously still affecting your choices; try not to lose it, Seras. It is what makes you, you...still, just a kid." He half-grinned, as he knew that she would not take offense to what he said last. He was old enough to be her great, great, great, great...great grandfather, almost everyone was a kid to him.
But there was something different in this situation, with this servant of his.
She kept her eyes closed, her face turned down as if she were once looking at the floor; she didn't need to say anything, she had nothing to say anyway. She was just thinking over things lightly. Of course, Alucard wasn't used to the growing, and ever-changing Seras being so quiet, or himself so inquisitive. He knew something was the matter, but without her eyes open, he had trouble understanding her.
The eyes are the gateway to the soul, it is how you know and understand another's feelings.
"Seras, what is the matter? Open your eyes, I know not what will make you feel better if you do not speak." As little as he would like to admit it, he did worry about Seras...more than she would ever know.
Seras opened her eyes a crack, then upturned her head and looked at him.
"But I have nothing more to say, master."
Going by her eyes, even the slightest glimpse he could get, he could tell that he had hit a nerve before; but it was also a good topic to think about.
"Now if that is a first, then I'll be damned." He paused for two seconds, reconsidering his last remark. "I guess it is too late for me, then, eh?" He tried his hardest to lighten up, even if it was an incredibly lame joke.
Her eyes flickered with something for a moment or two.
"You can't be more right about that, master...hmmm..." The side of her mouth started twitching to a little grin. If his heart could have felt relief, he somehow knew it would have so right then. The little grin was enough to tell him that maybe she wasn't all right now, but she would be.
"Being right isn't always good, it is more fun to be wrong and evil." His sarcasm started edging into his voice again. Seras nodded, making a sound in her throat.
"Mm-hmm..." She was clenching and unclenching her fists to keep herself calm and in control, shaking a little; she hated thinking back those years to what happened. She was just learning how to move on and forget, too.
He placed his right hand on her's, as his left rested on the back of her neck to keep her near to him. He opened her hand slowly with his, and slid his fingers into her's so they locked together; he continued to speak in seriousness.
"Let the anger go, if that is all that drives you, it will end up consuming you, and humanity or not, there will be nothing to prevent your demons from causing you more pain." He looked directly into her half-slit eyes, scanning them levelly.
"If you have to, clench my hand, but let your anger go."
Seras gritted her teeth together, shutting her eyes again and hiding her face in the sanctity of the big red tie of his. A few moments passed and it was silent.
She was trying her best, throwing everything away-she had to, she couldn't be like this anymore. Her body relaxed and she drew back, opening her eyes halfway again.
"Master...I will be all right."
"You always say so, Seras...you just need time to let your emotional levels to return to normal. As a female, your body is still not used to the difference; not being able to create life, I mean." He said this, miraculously, stone faced, as if he knew all of this naturally, for as long as he was awakened.
"...Also the reason my master is not so like herself; it is a hormonal thing. It takes time."
Despite her current mood, she found it quite interesting and maybe even a little funny that her master explained this kind of thing to her. It certainly was something not to be expected of him, but now she's heard just about everything from her master's lips.
She nodded, looking up at him, opening her eyes all the way this time.
Amused greatly at his own memory; it wasn't exactly a normal conversation. So he continued kind of awkwardly, absorbed in her wide, blood red eyes.
"Well, live females have their times..." He paused a moment and continued. "...When their hormones go on the fritz, and they turn out to be either really depressive or really happy. Your body, being dead and no longer experiencing the once-natural hormonal change, has to correct itself. This is very difficult, because being dead, your body reacts to the normal moods and causes them to be out of whack, since there is basically no internal movement." He stopped, a little embarrassed, but it had to be said. It also made a connection and understanding of his master's current state as well.
Seras looked at him like he had four heads, and started snickering, smiling for once.
"You're right, master."
At this, he could not help but smile and cackle deeply in his throat; his red eyes light, and the dark shadows leaving his complexion, he looked years and years younger than he should have; ageless, even. He felt a little better, if that was possible, that Seras was back to her more usual self.
Since he was her master, if his servant was not doing well, he really wasn't doing that great, either.
"Of course I am right, Seras. I am master; master would not be master if he did not understand the full extent of the vampire process...or female process, either." He laughed at himself, hiding his own doubts about his current state of mind and body. But it was his duty not to make that another one of her problems as well.
Seras raised an eyebrow as she looked at him; she realized her master knew enough about females to BE one himself. She suddenly found this thought very, VERY traumatizing.
For some reason, the sudden silence between them was bothering him; he wrapped the hand on her neck around her waist and pulled her to his side, where she leaned.
"I do not remember what it is like to be human, and these feelings are new to me. I don't know what I could say to help you with them, as they are a burden as much as a gift...I only know so much about human anatomy, including emotions, as my knowledge is not endless. Just know that if you need to release anger, pain, feelings...that I am here."
Seras sighed soundlessly.
"I know it must be different and hard for you...I've seen hardly anything but difficulty and ill will from the newly rediscovered emotions, but..." She trailed off and turned her head, looking him lazily in the eyes. He did the same, his eyes focused on her red gaze; not really showing many emotions besides the little hidden smile in his lines.
"But they are amusing. We would never have been this close; there is so much I would have been missing out on, even though, they cause some problems." He sighed a little out of exasperation, he knew all of this he had a price to pay: his slow, painful deterioration.
"Seras, do you want to know why I kept that diary as I was changing?" His eyebrow was slightly raised.
She, again, was infiltrated with the images of her big, mighty master keeping a diary at one point; her smile would have been so big that it'd taken over her face, but she somehow simmered it down to a normal one.
"Yes, master...I would."
AN: For some reason, I like this chapter ^_^...It's very deep (boy, this story has just about everything...)