A/N : One of my longest chapters, and lots going on in it. I hope you all approve of what happens, something tells me you just might...Thanx for the reviews on chapter 9 - courtney, Spoiler Babe, Jen, SpIkEs AnGeL, Meagan, Spikes Bint, tinkerbell42, Michelle, Mita472 - your kind comments and support mean a lot to me! :-) Keep on reading and reviewing please, can't wait to see everyone's response to what was definitely one of my favourite chapters to write...

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 10 - Hold Me Close

Loss. That was the overwhelming feeling that Buffy had inside of her. Loss of love, loss of the man she cared so much for, loss of feeling in her heart and reasonable thought in her mind. She wandered along the streets, not really sure where she was going, shocked and dazed, she had began running after Angel had told her it was over, but her run slowed to a sad walk as the shock reached her leg muscles and they almost ceased to function. On auto-pilot they took her through Sunnydale, down streets, across roads, her eyes not paying attention to her path or destination and several motorists honked their horns as she wandered out into the street right in front of oncoming traffic.

Somehow she made it to the door unscathed, the door that led into the building where Spike lived. As she glanced up her tired eyes realised where her feet had carried her and without a word, a sigh, a sound, a thought in her head, she went inside, passed straight by the waiting elevator and climbed the stairs.

One flight, two flights, three, all on automatic, without thinking about anything clearly, without considering why she was headed to Spike or what she was going to say to him when she saw him, and that was if he was even home, he wasn't before.

Buffy was empty and numb and silent, in a long black tunnel that seemingly had no end. Not even the ability to cry was in her possession anymore, too many tears had been shed, she had none left.

The lack of answer to her sad knock on the door told Buffy that her friend had not yet returned home. One hand went into her purse, pulled out the key she possessed and this time she used it, still not thinking, not caring what she was doing, just doing it because her body knew how, it was a routine she'd done so many times and came so easily to her, her brain barely needed to function for her to carry out the actions.

Once inside she closed the door behind herself, cast an eye around the living room, then headed for the bedroom to lie down. Her body told her she needed rest, she collapsed fully clothed onto her friends bed, her eyes staring, unseeing, at the plain white ceiling for minutes, maybe hours, she didn't know, until she heard the front door open and his familiar voice...

Xander stepped into the elevator to his apartment, travelled up the few floors and wandered out towards his front door, eyes tracing the ground in front of his feet, causing him to almost trip over the girl outside the door.

"Will?" he asked, with a questioning frown, he'd been looking for the girl for hours and here she was right on his doorstep, with a suitcase?

"Xander" the red-head gasped, glancing up from her hands where her head had been resting, "I was..." she almost let it go, let all the words spill out that she'd come to tell him but something held her back "waiting" she said eventually, "I was waiting, where have you been?"

"Er..." Xander stammered, shocked to see her here, his head spinning with what he was going to say to her, what he wanted to say to her and what he actually would say "I went to your place" he said eventually "and then Buffy's and Spike's too actually..." he almost laughed when he realised the ridiculous trek around town he'd made in search for a girl who was at his home anyway "no-one was home" he ended quietly.

"Well, I don't know where Buffy and Spike are" Willow shook her head, still not getting up from her seat on her suitcase, Xander not moving either "but I wasn't home cos I'm all...here and stuff" she said with a slight frown as she realised what a spaz she sounded and in front of Xander too!

"I see that, yeah..what's with the luggage?" he wondered aloud, suddenly noticing what it was Willow was sitting on, "You planning a road trip? Or did you just know you'd be here a while?" he smiled, not able to let the conversation remain joke-less despite his fairly serious mood.

"No and yes" his friend answered the two questions, before changing her mind and thoroughly confusing both Xander and herself "I mean yes and no, or yes and, what I mean is...I don't know what I mean" she sighed, putting her head in her hands again, frustrated that she couldn't just say what she meant and mean what she said for once, instead of being a gabbling idiot as always when it came to serious thought and feelings.

"Maybe we should go inside" Xander suggested, having not really been paying attention to his friend anyway, too many of his own rambling thoughts were keeping his mind busy.

"No, I mean, yes. Yes, inside is good" she finally decided, standing up and moving to grab the suitcase beside her, just as Xander did the gentlemanly thing and made to carry it for her instead. Their hands caught each others on the handle and both smiled slightly at the strange new feelings the contact caused before pulling back their fingers as if they'd been burnt.

"I'll get that for you" Xander said quietly as he opened the door to the apartment and dragged the item inside, Willow following behind and closing the door in silence.

The luggage was pushed to one side and keys landed on the table before two jackets joined them. Without invitation Willow took a seat in the place that was second home to her, but felt more than a little uncomfortable today.

"Er...coffee?" Xander asked, trying to find any excuse not to be alone in the room with his friend, trying to delay what he knew he had to do, hoping the right words would come to him in the time it took to make the drinks, to express these feelings he so far had few words to describe the magnitude of.

Willow nodded fast, also grateful for some extra time.

Unfortunately the five or ten minutes it took was just not enough for either of them and when Xander returned neither he nor the woman he now loved had thought of a way to tell the other how they truly felt. If only they could read the others thoughts, things would have been so much simpler!

"Xander, I wanted to..."

"Willow, I need to..."

When they finally spoke it was right over each other, causing both to smile in embarrassment.

"You first" Willow told him with a nod, again trying to delay.

"No, ladies first, always" her friend insisted, shuffling nervously on the sofa beside her, glad his gentlemanly manners would help him out here, he also needed time before he dropped his bombshell.

"Okay..." Willow stretched out the word, turning slightly in her seat to face the man she loved, "well..." came another elongated word and Xander was starting to worry about what she might say. There was a suitcase in the corner of his room that made him nervous, and the look on his best friends face and her lack of able-ness to tell him what she had to say was making him panic more than he was before.

"Oh no, I can't tell you this" the red-head looked like she might cry as she covered her face with her hands. She was frustrated with herself beyond belief, but the worry of what might be said and done once the words escaped her mouth, the words that told Xander she wanted to be more than friends, that was causing the utmost panic inside of her.

"Sweetie you can tell me anything" Xander said much more calmly than he felt, wondering whether he should put his arm around her to comfort her. He usually would, when she was upset, without even thinking about it, but today was different and he wasn't sure how to act anymore "We're best buds, right?" he smiled a little and nudged her gently, afraid to touch her anymore than that right now. Her hands came away from her face as she heard his words, realising now that things couldn't be any more painful than having Xander treat her as 'best bud' when she desperately wanted and needed more from him.

"Right, yes..." she said with a deep breath, preparing herself again, and she would have been okay if he wasn't staring at her so much, with those beautiful eyes she felt she might drown in "Could you close your eyes?" she asked suddenly.

"Are you kidding me?" Xander almost burst out laughing, "Because I've seen that trick..."

"No" his friend sighed with annoyance, "I just can't tell you this when you're looking at me"

There was a slight frown on his face before he gave in and did as she asked, like always.

"Okay, but you are so lucky I trust you Will" he said as his eyes closed.

"I know..." came her reply, then a long pause before "I still can't say it"

"Willow this is ridiculous" her friend complained, eyes wide open again as he made to stand up and walk away in frustration "would you just..."

He never made it to his feet as Willow grabbed him and crushed her lips to his. If she couldn't say what she felt, there was no other way but to show him. Everything she felt she poured into that one moment.

'If he didn't understand after this, he never will' was the only coherent thought she managed to have as she assaulted his mouth, until lack of oxygen made them both pull away.

Shock had stopped Xander from responding to her kiss, much as it stopped him from responding to her words as she began to talk at near lightening speed.

"I love you Xander, and I was afraid to tell you how much, and I almost ran away, but I couldn't go, and I was scared you wouldn't feel the same, and maybe you don't but..."

She was stopped from rambling anymore by the feel of his lips covering hers. He shocked himself further by finally finding the courage to kiss her like that. It wasn't really to interrupt and stop her rambling, since he wasn't totally aware that she was still speaking. He'd heard 'I love you' and taken it to mean she was in love, whether that was what she meant or not. He was just so sure he was in love with her now, it overrode everything else. Besides, as childish as it sounded, she'd kissed him first...

As he kissed her, she kissed back, one kiss became two and three as deeper feelings emerged. Hands roamed to places they'd never been, at least not with each other, and in the hours that followed love was proven without the words. Dreamless sleep took over soon, dreamless because neither had anything left to wish for when they were wrapped up in bed, in each others arms, hearts beating together, a feeling of sheer contentment surrounding them.

The long drag home was longer than Spike had intended. He wandered through parks, down streets, weaved in and out of people and shops, delaying having to go home because...he didn't know why. Because things there reminded him of her, that was true, but beyond that, at home he'd be alone and forced to face his feelings and thoughts and general inner turmoil. Out in the streets there was too much noise, too many people to concentrate too much and he liked that.

Hours passed without him noticing before Spike finally decided home was where he should go. His body ached from walking and worrying combined, he'd like to sleep but knew he stood no chance. Maybe he'd just slob out on the sofa. When Buffy was confused or upset or depressed, she ate ice-cream, but Spike hadn't got her sweet tooth and currently, an empty freezer, so he doubted her little cure-all would do him any good.

Wandering in through his front door, he sighed, threw his keys on the table, hung his jacket on the chair nearby, slumped down onto the sofa, ran his hands back through his hair.

The thought that wouldn't leave him, the one fact that overrode everything else was how much he was in love and a large part of him still wanted her to know that. He could tell her, he would tell her, he decided unanimously, but this time he'd go about it better. He would make sure he looked decent, and he was going to be all planned and prepared when he saw her, know exactly what he wanted to say

"Buffy" he said aloud, preparing his speech right now, "there's something I need to tell you..."

"How'd you know I was here?" the very girl he was 'talking' to appeared in the doorway from his bedroom.

"Buffy!" Spike gasped at the sight of her "Where the hell have you been?" he demanded to know, his shock not lasting as he moved forward and took hold of her, his hands on her upper arms "Are you okay?" he half frowned at the semi-vacant look in those eyes he knew he could drown in if he wasn't careful.

"Am I okay?" she giggled madly, the first emotion she'd really had since she'd walked away from Angel's front door "You want to know if I'm okay..." she continued almost hysterically, her maniacal laugh worrying Spike more than her tears ever had, he knew that laugh, he'd laughed that laugh and he knew it was dangerous, just like the despair behind it "okay, well, let's see..." Buffy began quickly and sharply "I'm pregnant with a child I was told to get rid of if I really loved the guy I made it with, because he's not ready for kids but ironically his wife's about to drop a brat at any second and now that bastard has just dumped me" she rambled all in one breath, the stupid grin never slipping from her face, whilst the pain forming behind her eyes looked like it might drown her "so if that's sounds okay to you, then yeah, I guess I'm okay, okay?" she ended abruptly and loudly, her giggles instantly dying and the real feelings taking over, a fresh bout of tears pouring forth as all the pain she felt imploded inside of her.

"Oh luv..." was all Spike could find to say as she collapsed into his waiting arms. He held her tight as he dared, almost fearing he might snap her into if he gripped her too hard. She looked so fragile, so helpless, but as much as Spike felt bad for her, he had to admit at least to himself that a large part of him was dancing with joy at the prospect of Angel dumping her, she'd be happier without him, right?

"God Spike, what am I going to do?" she gasped for oxygen as she tried to speak through her painful sobs.

"Wish I knew sweetheart..." Spike said softly, petting her hair and rocking her gently in his arms, absently realising she was ruining yet another of his shirts with her waterfalls of salt "well, for now you're going to stay right here" he decided eventually "and Spike's going to take care of you, okay?"

She looked up at him then, her pained hazel pools still glistening with even more tears yet to be shed, but there was a hint of a smile on her lips.

"I knew you would" she choked out "it's why I came here, I just..." was as far as she got before her voice disappeared into nothingness again.

"It's alright" Spike assured her, as her head disappeared beneath his chin again and he stroked her back soothingly "come on now, it'll all be alright, I promise" he led her gently to the sofa and sat down, his legs threatening to buckle from his sadness for her and himself, a certain amount of shock at what the wanker had done and just because he was tired from his aimless walking around for many hours.

"He said I was nothing" Buffy cried, her words somewhat muffled by Spike's drowning shirt, "that I meant nothing, that he didn't have time for me..." she looked up suddenly to say "and I did what he wanted, I was going to, oh God Spike I was going to have an abortion for him" she crumbled yet again as she realised what a sacrifice she as going to make, what a terrible thing she was planning to do and all for the love of a man who cared nothing for her.

"It's okay, pet" Spike told her, rubbing her back soothingly, "shush now, it's all over now, he can't hurt you here"

He knew 'it's okay' was a big lie. He shouldn't be shocked by the fact that Angel wanted Buffy to abort the baby, or even that she would go through with it willingly, but it made him feel sick to actually hear the words.

"I'm such an idiot" Buffy sniffed, tears subsiding as they again ran out, so many shed, her eyes had nothing left to give.

"No baby, you're in love" he best friend sympathised, understanding almost exactly "Sometimes love makes you do crazy things, believe me, I know"

"You mean when you loved Drusilla?" she asked looking up at him and as he looked down into those eyes of hers, oh how easily he could tell her now, he could kiss her, he could...

"No pet, I mean...well, yeah, I s'pose" he bottled out when it came to the crunch, thinking better of being the rebound guy.

Buffy didn't answer, just let Spike hold her tight, feeling better by the second just from being close to him.

"We do have tragic taste, don't we?" he snorted, after a few moments of quiet, a silence that was getting very uncomfortable for him.

"Don't you ever wonder..." he heard her practically whisper, not knowing that an idea was forming in her mind "why we never..." she trailed off, never looking up.

"Why we never what, luv?" he dared to ask, truly never believing she meant what he sort of hoped she meant.

As her eyes glanced up into his, he had no idea what was coming, until her lips landed on his own, desperate and hungry, he would have responded but his brain couldn't take in what was happening, as her arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him closer.

"Buffy!" he gasped from shock and lack of oxygen when she finally pulled away from him.

"Spike" she said huskily, kissing his face, her hands beginning to roam over his body "I want you"

Without even meaning to, he found himself responding to her touch, his arms around her, his lips finding a path around her neck and throat, along her jaw to her mouth.

"Oh God Buffy" he whispered into their kisses "I love you"

Whether she heard him or not she didn't answer, she wasn't given an opportunity as he kissed her repeatedly and she kissed him back with equal force and desire. Fingers fumbled with buttons and clasps as they rose from the sofa and stumbled toward the bedroom, their bodies never untwining.

Somehow the door came open, neither was sure how and they didn't really care. As they tumbled into the room, Spike's foot knocked the door closed with a thump just before they fell onto his bed, and into the deep fiery realms of unbridled passion.

To Be Continued...