A/N : I know, I know, Buffy's being a supreme bitch and happiness is not exactly widespread in SunnyD, but I promise it will get better...eventually. At least Will and Xand are happy, right? ;-) Thanx for the reviews on chapter 11, please review this chapter too!

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 12 - Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Despite the fact that the sun shone high in the California sky, Spike felt as if he were in the coldest, darkest place in the world. User, it was a nasty word and not one he ever thought he'd have to use where Buffy was concerned, but she had used him in such a horrible way, played with his feelings and emotions, and now he was just so hurt an confused by it all.

Part of him wanted to wake up and find that the night before as well as this mornings consequences were nothing but a dream turned nightmare, because God help him if he let himself believe this were real...it was just too hard.

And yet there was a part of him that wouldn't part with the memory of their night together for anything in the world. The way it felt to be with her that way, it was more amazing than he ever could have imagined, and there was no doubt in his mind it only felt that good because he was so in love.

Could it really be possible that she had used him, that what they'd done meant nothing more to her than a little cold comfort when she was upset. Spike had a hard time taking in the concept that Buffy could act that way, but given the company she kept could he really expect much better from her? Perhaps, she'd learnt too much from Angel. After a year of seeing him, was it really any wonder that his bad habits, his nasty way of treating people, had rubbed off on her?

After several hours of aimless walking, the young man decided he should head home. It was his apartment after all, and if the silly bint was still there he'd just chuck her out, he could do that...right? A humourless laugh escaped Spike's lips as he headed back towards the building where he lived. He knew damn well that as much as she'd hurt him, he'd forgive his precious Buffy anything, and if she wanted to use him again, he knew he was idiot enough to let her have that chance. He truly was love's bitch, the only shred of dignity he could find was at least he was man enough to admit it.

As he entered the building he saw the elevator doors close and with a sigh he headed for the stars instead. Half of him dreaded the fact he may have to face the girl he both loved and hated right now, the other half stupidly wished she was still there and that maybe she'd realised in his absence that she truly did love him and that they could live happily ever after...

"Stupid sod" Spike mumbled to himself, almost angry that he allowed himself to think such stupid things when he knew his wishes would not come true, that all his daydreaming was in vain.

The half of him that had not wanted to see Buffy was relieved to find the apartment empty, of people at least, but something was different. An envelope lie on the coffee table, her handwriting spelling out his name, William. He closed his eyes and fought back tears. His full first name was never a good sign, not from anyone, least of all Buffy. Something too serious was in that envelope, something that would alter his life, no doubt. Only when she was truly angry, which almost never happened, or truly serious, as he guessed she was now, did Buffy use the name William to address him.

With shaking hands, he lay his keys on the table and picked up the envelope, opening it up and carefully pulling out the single sheet of paper that resided there.

Shaky writing, still recognisable as Buffy's, but only just, covered half of the small piece of paper, noticeable wet patches punctuating the sentences, she'd still been crying as she wrote it.

Never taking his eyes from the page, Spike slumped down onto the sofa and began to read the words his bestf friend had written.

'I don't know what to say, except that I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I didn't mean to, Spike, I'm not sure what I thought I was doing, I still don't know really, but I do know nothing is going to get resolved if I stay here. I'm going away, I doubt I'll still be in Sunnydale by the time you find this. I need some time to think, about everything, and maybe you do too. Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine. I'll see you soon William, and again, I'm sorry. Love always, Buffy'

She was gone, just like that. Up and left because she knew she'd hurt him. He'd driven her away? The thought made Spike feel sick, and he told himself he couldn't take all the blame. It took two to tango, or partake of the horizontal rhumba as the case maybe, but whichever way he looked at it, whichever way he cut the blame, or tried to make sense of it all, it came down to one simple fact - Buffy was gone, and Spike wasn't sure he knew how to exist without her there.

For almost twenty years they'd lived in each others pockets. When they went on vacation with their families as children, they'd missed each other terribly, to the point where the Summers and Johnson families would take it in turns to take both kids with them when they went away. Inseparable friends, they had always been that way, and knowing she was gone, not knowing where or for how long, Spike felt as though losing a limb but be less painful and inconvenient, but he would have to deal. The note said she'd already be gone by now and glancing at the clock, he guessed it was true. He'd left the apartment several hours ago, she probably hadn't been far behind him. Again, Spike put his head in his hands and cried, for the loss of the woman he knew he could never live without.

Resting in the arms of her best friend and lover, Willow could not have been more happy or content. She'd felt so wretched just twenty four hours earlier, torn between running away or facing her fears about the feelings she was having for Xander. So scared of the reaction she would get when the words 'I'm in love with you' spilled out of her mouth, the red-head had finally decided it could not be worse than living without the man who'd always been in her life, who she cared so much about.

Willow snuggled closer to that man, her back against his body, his arms around her, her head resting back on his chest under his chin.

"I love you" she told him unnecessarily, she'd told him as well as shown him so many times already in the last few hours.

"I know" he murmured into her hair, "and I love you too" he told her, kissing the top of her head.

A deep sigh came from the girl then, and the man holding her close, realised with a frown it was not such a happy sigh as it should have been.

"Will, is something wrong?" he asked, dreading what her answer would be. She had just said she loved him right? He hadn't dreamt all the happy stuff?

"No" she replied, "well, yes, but not with us" she amended, turning around to face him, but never coming out of the circle of his arms.

"What's on your mind, baby?" Xander asked, concern evident in his eyes, along with the love, as he brushed strands of Willows red hair from her face.

"Spike and Buffy" she admitted, "I just wish he had been as lucky as us, that she loved him the way he wants her too" a tear escaped the girls eyes and rolled down her cheek in silence and Xander felt awful just seeing that tear fall.

"I know, it's tough for them" Xander sympathised, "but maybe they can work it out" he tried to be positive, but in his heart he knew he was less than confident for a happy ending for his two friends. "Come here" he beckoned to his girlfriend, as he pulled her close as he could get her and held her tight as a few more tears escaped for her friends sake.

Xander closed his eyes and fought back his own painful tears. Buffy was so blind when it came to Angel, sometimes he just wanted to grab her an shake her until some sense got knocked into that brain of hers, but blindness wasn't a crime, especially where love was concerned. Hadn't he been blind about his feelings for Willow, and her for him too? It had taken all this time for Spike to realise his feelings too, Xander only wished that things had been different for the bleach blond he'd come to think of as a brother over the years.

Spike was a good man, sure he liked to act cool and tough sometimes, but the guy had a heart of gold and the biggest priority in his life was always his friends, especially Buffy. They were as inseparable as he and Willow were, at least he'd thought so. Even when Spike had dated Drusilla, he'd come back to Buffy, leant on his best friend, when the black goddess had flitted town, with Riley, the diabolical fiend, who had pretended to be Spike's friend in college.

And now, well, now the guys world was falling apart because Buffy had decided that scumbag Angel was who she was in love with. She couldn't just fall in love with Spike and make their little group perfect? No, she couldn't be expected to turn her feelings on and off, anymore than anyone else could. It was all just an unfortunate situation and it made Xander think how lucky he was that he and Willow loved each other so much.

"You know" he said softly, "maybe we shouldn't tell them...about us"

"Why not?" Willow asked, her head snapping up and almost knocking Xander's off his shoulders as she looked him in the eye, practically terrified he might be ashamed or embarrassed that they were a couple now.

"Well, do we really want to ram our happiness down their throats? Especially Spike, he's already so broken about the Buffster" the brunette explained and Willow sighed in relief before feeling bad for her friends again.

"You're right" she nodded, again thanking her lucky stars that she'd been so fortunate that she was in love with this wonderful man who was in love with her too. Of course, the friends did not even know the whole story of Buffy and Spike yet. They had no idea Angel had dumped Buffy or that she'd found comfort and much more in Spike's bed last night, or that the girl had run this morning, run away to heaven knows where...

The train pulled out from the station, it's third stop since it had left Sunnydale and Buffy's tears fell harder, the further away she got from her home and her friends and Spike. What she'd done had hurt him so badly, and when he hurt she did too. As if her being pregnant weren't bad enough, and then Angel...she didn't even want to think about him. She closed her eyes and willed the thoughts away, thoughts of what had happened between her and Angel, especially that look on his face, a mixture of contempt and disgust as he'd told her it was over.

What started to shock the blonde as Sunnydale slipped away along with her consciousness, was that the pain of losing Angel was not as bad as that she felt when she thought of the pain she'd caused her oldest and best friend. What she'd done with Spike, the night after her break up with Angel, in the morning she was confused by what it meant, but when she looked back on it, remembered it, she knew it had felt so right at the time, so natural and so wonderful.

Could it be that way if she didn't love him as he loved her, she wondered. If it was only for comforts sake and no more, why had it felt so much more special than anything she'd shared with Angel? She didn't understand and that was the other reason why she'd run away.

There was no way she was ever going to be able to sort out the thoughts and feelings swimming around in her heart and her head with Spike and even Angel so close by. She needed time and she needed space, just like she had told her friend in the note she left behind. Buffy would return to Sunnydale, she knew she would, in a few days or a few weeks, she wasn't sure yet. The creation she carried inside of her would live for now, she didn't have the reason to get rid of it anymore, though she was still unsure what she felt about it.

As sleep finally took over, the picture in Buffy's mind was painful and yet beautiful, she saw Spike, and knew she would in every dream she had, until she came home.

To Be Continued...