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This one's from our favorite homicidal maniac. 9.9 In our RP, he's been confused lately, and has had a lot more weird and fantastical stuff happen to him than had happened by the end of the comics. This Nny is an RP takeoff from the one in my stories The Soul Project and Not Worthy, so the same things have happened to him.. and much more, besides. He's long been friends with Tabby (another SI of one of our RPers, she appears in Sword of Damocles in AF's profile), or sort-of friends. This monologue thingey takes place after her father, the Otallah of the Avitor, came and tried to take her away to kill her. She's got a lot of family issues. Nny just has a lot of issues period.

~-~-~ Johnny ~-~-~

You know, it's times like these when I really MISS having voices in my head. I'm so f*cking tired of being alone. She's gone. Tabby, I mean. The Avitor. What the hell is an Avitor, anyway? Only a race of the biggest assholes I've ever met besides.. well.. all the rest. Although I'm starting to wonder where MY mind has gone... I feel so much more listless lately. I hate being here. I've DIED at least three times, and then what? Every single time, something has dragged me back. I visited something called heaven, then something called hell, and then later, some realm of that wall-demon which still seems to be after me, and besides that it seems I'm ALWAYS being dragged off to some faeryland or another.

Maybe seeing so many more things has gotten to me, I don't know. Phoenixes, unicorns, dragons, those things aren't supposed to exist. Why should they exist in a useless world like this? They're just stories. I've seen them, though, all of them. So I have to accept them. A long time ago I realized there probably wasn't an iota of different between dreams and reality. They just kept merging too much. They just kept... there was hardly any DIFFERENCE anymore. Reality started making less sense than my dreams. So what am I supposed to do about that? When some huge evil bird-man pops into your house and starts throwing fireballs and trying to kill your guests, you stop trying to make sense of things.

Maybe I've just given up. What good would it do to try and kill myself again? It's not like I can do anything worthwhile here, except maybe buy freezies for people, okay Tabby, and occasionally eviscerate one of those evil lobsters. Not like it ever works when I try to kill myself. I haven't killed anyone else in a long time. Well.. maybe it hasn't been that long. I don't really remember. I remember how pissed I got that one time... well.. I remember a fire but not much else. Why is my memory always so bad? It's like once I've learned something, I keep the knowledge and lose the experience. Details get completely fuzzy. I think I actually slept TWICE last month.. maybe I never woke up. Maybe I'm still in a dream. I can't damn well tell anymore. But even if I DO manage to kill myself, it won't work. And if it does, something will bring me back to this shithole. Something always does. Or someONE. What's tying me here? Why can't I get away? I HATE this.. I don't think there's a damn thing I can do about it though. Except suffer. I wonder what kind of gods are out there laughing at my pain. They probably think I'm
the most amusing thing since charging rhinos.

At least before, I could see things. A little, maybe. I'm not sure I can anymore. Things used to make sense. I used to be able to see how they went together, at least, the bad things, the things that were wrong. Not anymore. Nothing makes SENSE anymore.