Joy beyond Hope Part 2

We spoke as walked behind Grandfather through the darkness of the Halls. Many elven fear sat by the walls or walked about, all sad, all constrained to stay here for a time until they understood their faults and sorrows in life and could be released. I too must stay here a while, but I knew I would refuse to take up life again when the time came. I no wish to walk amidst friends and family in Valinor after failing Andreth and our fate so badly. I couldn't trust myself to not let others down, so I would stay here where I could do no harm to anyone, but I yet felt a need to explain myself to my lady, 'I came to bitterly regret my choice to leave you, Andreth, especially without explanation, but I did not trust myself not to act impulsively. Many times since I heard Finrod had seen you I had to fight an impulse to fly to you, to explain myself to you, but I restrained myself as I thought that seeing me would only bring you more pain. I mean,' I fumbled for words, and finished by saying that I hoped she forgave me, even though I deserved it not.

She gave an unladylike snort, not unlike her nephew Bregolas and her fingers tightened around mine before she answered, 'My love, do you think I'd have agreed to come to you if I hadn't forgiven you?' She smiled up at me, 'I was not entirely free from blame either. I could have come to see you; it would have been easy enough to have convinced my brother to allow me to accompany him on one of his visits to your people. At first I was too afraid, in case you didn't want to see me, and later I was too old.'

I stopped, and swung her around to face me, 'you mean after Finrod spoke to you? Why did you think yourself too old? Because you could no longer have children?'

'Yes,' she said, her voice very soft.

'Foolish lady, do you think that would have made any difference to me? I would have been delighted to see you, and it is not as if we even knew that it was possible for us, an elf and a mortal to have children.' I bent to kiss her.

'If you two are quite finished, the Tapestries are this way, still waiting to be looked at,' came Grandfather's voice, impatiently from the next room. Laughing, we entered the room.

Miriel it was who showed the Tapestries again, and afterwards Andreth reacted as I had: initial disbelief followed by shock. She swayed and I thought she would fall, so I held her close until she recovered somewhat. 'We failed our fate?' she asked Miriel, who hadn't moved.

'Yes,' said Miriel, very softly

I looked down at Andreth, who was still pale from shock,' Do you still forgive me?' I asked.

After a brief hesitation she spoke, 'yes, I do. Once, years ago, I would not have, but now I do. For I learned much in my life, Aegnor, and one thing that I have come to understand was that you were confused and perhaps a little frightened, and so had no idea how to deal with the situation. I have already said that I must share the blame, and so I have but one more thing to say on this subject: I love you still, and always.'

I blinked back tears, and hugged my lady, 'I love you too, Andreth, and I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you while we lived.'

'What shall we do with these two?' my grandfather asked the lady was once his wife.

'Send them into another room or I shall never get any work done!' laughed Miriel.

'Come then,' said Grandfather to Andreth and I 'we cannot keep the lady from her duties.'

So we followed him again, and we left I saw a Valie enter the room and speak to Miriel. It must be Vaire, the Weaver, and I am sure she gave me a small smile as we left the room.

Grandfather entered another small room with us on his heels, and once we all settled into the room Grandfather said that Andreth and I had been granted time to speak to each other, an unexpected and great boon. I was sure something was behind it, but that could be dealt with when the time was right.

Rather timidly, Andreth spoke to Grandfather, 'lord, why have we been given physical form? Do you know?'

'I do, it is for your sake, Andreth. It is easier for you as a mortal to communicate with those who have a physical form,' Grandfather answered. 'But child, it is to my grandson you should speak, for although you have been given much time together, that time will end.'

She thanked Grandfather, and turned to me. 'I received your message from Bregolas, and I thank you for it,' she said. 'Had both he and I lived when the message was delivered, it should have brought me both great comfort and great sorrow.'

'Bregolas was killed too? I had hoped he had survived.'

'No, he met his end in a fire started by the dragons, not long after you died. He is not bitter about it, warriors often die young.'

'I am sorry for his death, Andreth, he was a good man and I know he and you were close. Once, I said to Finrod if he'd sent your ancestors east over Ered Lindon back to your old homes, much sorrow would have avoided. At the time I meant your sorrow, and mine, but now I think it was wrong to accept the fealty of your people and involve you in the war against Morgoth.'

She shook her head, 'No, Aegnor, you're wrong. My people were involved in battling Morgoth's evil long before we walked west. As evil haunted the early days of the elves, so we too had those of Morgoth's people amongst us, spreading lies and evil. Like the elves, servants of Morgoth's apparently captured many of our people and as such we have taken a vow to withstand the evil One. As for myself, if my people had not come west, or had we gone back east I would have missed knowing you and even though it brought me many years of sorrow, I cannot regret knowing you. Once in life, I regretted many things, but age and experience of life taught me much and now I truly regret but one thing in my life, that I was too old to take up a sword and fight by your side, for I would have if I could.' She reached up to touch my face gently, her finger sliding slowly over my cheek.

I blinked back tears; I didn't deserve her love, and said so. Her only response was to wrap her arms about me in a tight hug. I gathered her close, and long we stood thus, speaking of many things, our lives, our families, and even such little things as what had been favourite foods, and stories of our childhoods. Andreth seemed fascinated by my tales of my life in Valinor, and as we spoke, a resolve came to me, one that I was determined to try to carry out.

I know not how long was the time given us, just that we were together and happy. And then Mandos and Nienna arrived; Andreth went with Nienna and I with Mandos. Initially, we protested being separated, but Nienna said that we would see each other again, to properly say our farewells. I was deeply unhappy at being separated from Andreth, though I knew it must be, while at the same time grateful for the time we had.

Once I was alone with Mandos, I spoke, my resolution firm, 'Lord, I have a request.' Mandos looked surprised, but indicated I should speak. 'I know that Andreth must depart, and go outside the Circles of the World, and that I must stay here, or take up life again one day. I do not care to be separated from her again, and as she cannot stay here, or go where I go, I was wondering, hoping that perhaps I could, well, I could go with her?'

I had never seen a look of genuine surprise on a Vala's face before, but now Mandos wore a look of total surprise. 'You propose to become mortal, to become as one of the Younger Children?'

'Yes, lord, is that possible?' I asked, hoping that I would have the answer I longed for. My parents would be immeasurably saddened if my request was granted, and my siblings too, but I no intention of leaving these Halls to take up life again without my love. So, I would become mortal, or I would stay forever in the Halls, in which case I would never see many of my friends and family again anyway.

'I must seek council with others on this, Aegnor, for I had not foreseen this question. Indeed, your love for Andreth is deep and strong that you would ask,' his voice was gentle and his eyes kind. 'You may go back to her for now, until I have your answer.'

Soon, I was back with Andreth, and neither of us spoke much, aware that we would shortly be asked to part forever, or perhaps the alternative was possible in which case I would have to explain my desire to become as a mortal to her. It was a small enough sacrifice for a lady I loved so much.

It was by a Maia in service to Nienna that we were escorted to see Mandos and Nienna. Mandos' expression was grim but not unkind, and Nienna it was who spoke through her customary tears, 'your request has been heard, and judged, Aegnor. It is a brave request, and not one made lightly, I hope, for it would be irrevocable if granted.'

Andreth looked puzzled, and I quickly explained matters. She had a look of great anger on her face, but spoke quietly, 'No, I should not allow that. It is not an elf's fate, you could live again, my love!'

I simply shrugged, unwilling to tell her my only alternative was to stay here forever. I would not take up life again without her.

'It matters not', spoke Mandos, 'for after due consideration it was decided that no elf could become mortal except for a cause of great doom, and that does not apply to you, for if you had married then the alteration of the doom of Middle-earth would have been in your children and not yourselves. Aegnor, your request is denied.'

Despair filled me and Andreth clung to me, weeping. We had known the moment of separation would come, but now it had arrived it hurt no less.

A hand stroked my face, and I looked through my tears to see Nienna, who was stroking Andreth's face comfortingly too, and she was smiling as she wept; tears of joy now, I realised.

'Tell them of their choice, for I cannot bear their pain!' she whispered.

A choice, what choice? I wondered. We turned to face Mandos.

Mandos was grave as he spoke, 'there are two choices. The first is to abide the fates of your kind, for Aegnor to stay here and Andreth to go beyond the Circles of the World. The second is interesting, and only possible because Aegnor, of your selfless request to join Andreth in a true death, and become mortal. As time is but a great loop that can be crossed and traversed with guidance from Illuvatar, you must understand that it is therefore possible to move through time, to travel to the past, or the future. If you take the second choice, know you will not be aware of what has passed here, you will neither of you remember anything. So, it is this, that you will both be returned to life, but some years back in time. You will meet again, and I pray this time fulfill your allotted destinies. Think carefully. Your choice must be made soon.'

Andreth recovered her wits first, 'Lord, I give the decision into Aegnor's hands. For I, now, or another time am mortal, and must pass on to where mortals go. I would give much to live my life over as Aegnor's wife, but as this decision will affect him more than I, I shall give my choice into his hands.'

'Are you sure, of this child? Again, this decision is irrevocable, and not to be taken lightly,' said Mandos.

'I am quite sure, Lord, I trust Aegnor to do what is best.'

I hesitated, and when I finally spoke it was to request time to think, for as Mandos said this was not to be taken lightly.