The Choice.
Time to think! I feared that I would never have enough time to think over such an important decision. Andreth was quiet and withdrawn, but she refused to leave my side, for which I was very grateful as I found her presence very comforting.
Finally, she spoke, her voice breaking the silence of the Hall we sat in, watching the elven fear pass by to and fro in front of us.
'Aegnor, just in case you are considering choosing for us to go back in time and live in Middle-earth, there is something you should know,' she said.
'What is that, love?' I asked.
'Just something Nienna said I should tell you, or rather show you.'
Curious, I said, 'so, show me what it is!'
'It's well,' she began, appearing to be shy, 'I'm mortal, and I grew old, and Nienna said I should show you how I would have appeared had you survived the Dagor Bragollach and come to see me. You see, this could affect your choice.'
I lifted her hand to my lips, 'Little one, I have seen aged mortals before, but if you truly think I should see you in your old age, then show me,' I said not without some apprehension.
Andreth smiled, and then suddenly she changed. The youthful maiden was gone, and in her place was an old Lady. Lady I meant too, for the wisdom and dignity she had become renowned for shone in her eyes; eyes that showed her spirit had not changed even though her skin was deeply carved with wrinkles, and her hands, which I still held, showed signs of the joint ill elderly mortals often suffered, and the veins showed through the skin of her hands now thin with age. Her snow- white hair was in her familiar simple braid, and she had yet a slender figure and stood straight still. Yet it was undeniable that she was very elderly.
'Do I disgust you, thus?' she said, and I noticed her voice had changed, and taken on the slightly breathless tone that so many aged mortals voices did.
I looked hard at her, and realised how very frail she was. That mortals die I can understand, but why this horrible process where the body of a mortal slowly fails? Was it because mortals fell to Morgoth's evil early in their existence and this was punishment? As I had before, I now again wished Andreth was an elf maid, but for different reasons. Not because I any longer feared to see her age and die, for I had begun to realise that was irrelevant compared to my love for her but because I wished I could spare her this mortal withering. But this was her fate, as mine should have been to live within Arda while it lasted, and neither of us could change our kinds. So I stepped closer to her, understanding that she could no more help aging and dying than I could stop time. 'No', I said, 'you do not disgust me, Cualle.'
I knew from Finrod that she had studied our language, Quenya, and from the way her eyes widened a little that she understood. Then her aged face broke into a broad smile as she comprehended that as I'd given her a special name then I must really love her even as she appeared to me now, as a very old woman.
I drew her carefully against me, so as not to hurt her for I was a little afraid that I might, so frail was she. I did notice that she wept. She snuggled against me, and as she did I knew my decision could not be put off for much longer. I looked down at the woman in my arms, and noticed her hair was dark again. So she had changed back! I understood her motives and smiled to realise how vain my lady could be.
'Do you know,' she said suddenly, 'that I knew when you died, I felt it happen'
'Did you!' I exclaimed. It seemed that mortals or at least some, are not so very different from elves after all.
'Yes, I have always known when people close to me were ill or injured, but I've never known when someone died before. Do you know why I should have felt your death?' she asked.
'No, it is a mystery to me. Finrod would have a better idea than I, but he is not here to ask so I can only speculate. Perhaps the very fact we love each created the beginning of what would have become a marriage bond had we wed.'
She pondered this for a few moments, 'Perhaps, I know not. All I know is sometimes I fancied that I could sense your thoughts, or maybe I should say emotions at times. I know not if I imagined this, but it brought me comfort at times. Until I felt you die, of course. That is what killed me; the shock I mean, for elves are not supposed to die.'
'No, we are not, but an Orc's blade can end anyone's life although I am sorry you had to experience my death like that. I too at times thought we had an emotional connection, but I was loath to explore that possibility for it meant that if I had become convinced that this connection did exist out side of my longings that I should have felt obliged to try to sever it as I would have felt that such a connection was not kind to you.' I smiled at her, 'At night, alone in the dark I would think of you, and at such time when I believed I fancied I could sense you that brought me great comfort. As has seeing you here brought me great joy.'
Andreth reached up and kissed me, a deep passionate kiss such as we had never shared. Tears streamed down both our faces as the kiss finally ended, and then we stood holding each other and whispering endearments to each other.
Still, all of this was not making the choice. I thought about the tapestries, and the events that should have been and as I did it gradually became clearer to me what choice I had to make. I knew the tapestries did not, could not, lie, and therefore all that would be different if Andreth and I married was real. A lot of suffering and evil would be prevented for many people, my dearest brother included. A fog seemed to lift from my mind as I realised that the personal happiness of Andreth and myself was secondary to changing the fate of the world. My choice was clear, and in the instant I made it, Mandos appeared.
'So, your choice is made?' the Vala confirmed.
'Yes, Lord, suddenly it became clear what we need to do.' I replied. Andreth's little hands had tightened on my arm, and her eyes were wide, and frightened. Poor lady, she misunderstood it seemed.
'You are both agreed? Mandos asked.
'Am I right, Lord,' stammered Andreth nervously, 'when I ask if Aegnor is thinking of returning us to life, the choice that I hope will bring us both great happiness?'
'And prevent great evil,' I said to her. 'That is more important than our happiness, although dearest, I will try very hard to be a good husband.'
Andreth was weeping again, but from relief and joy now, 'And I shall be a devoted and loving wife,' she whispered.
Mandos asked again if we were both agreed, and Andreth nodded as I spoke for us both, confirming we were agreed on this choice.
'Then I see no reason for delay,' said Mandos, and everything went black and silent.
Time to think! I feared that I would never have enough time to think over such an important decision. Andreth was quiet and withdrawn, but she refused to leave my side, for which I was very grateful as I found her presence very comforting.
Finally, she spoke, her voice breaking the silence of the Hall we sat in, watching the elven fear pass by to and fro in front of us.
'Aegnor, just in case you are considering choosing for us to go back in time and live in Middle-earth, there is something you should know,' she said.
'What is that, love?' I asked.
'Just something Nienna said I should tell you, or rather show you.'
Curious, I said, 'so, show me what it is!'
'It's well,' she began, appearing to be shy, 'I'm mortal, and I grew old, and Nienna said I should show you how I would have appeared had you survived the Dagor Bragollach and come to see me. You see, this could affect your choice.'
I lifted her hand to my lips, 'Little one, I have seen aged mortals before, but if you truly think I should see you in your old age, then show me,' I said not without some apprehension.
Andreth smiled, and then suddenly she changed. The youthful maiden was gone, and in her place was an old Lady. Lady I meant too, for the wisdom and dignity she had become renowned for shone in her eyes; eyes that showed her spirit had not changed even though her skin was deeply carved with wrinkles, and her hands, which I still held, showed signs of the joint ill elderly mortals often suffered, and the veins showed through the skin of her hands now thin with age. Her snow- white hair was in her familiar simple braid, and she had yet a slender figure and stood straight still. Yet it was undeniable that she was very elderly.
'Do I disgust you, thus?' she said, and I noticed her voice had changed, and taken on the slightly breathless tone that so many aged mortals voices did.
I looked hard at her, and realised how very frail she was. That mortals die I can understand, but why this horrible process where the body of a mortal slowly fails? Was it because mortals fell to Morgoth's evil early in their existence and this was punishment? As I had before, I now again wished Andreth was an elf maid, but for different reasons. Not because I any longer feared to see her age and die, for I had begun to realise that was irrelevant compared to my love for her but because I wished I could spare her this mortal withering. But this was her fate, as mine should have been to live within Arda while it lasted, and neither of us could change our kinds. So I stepped closer to her, understanding that she could no more help aging and dying than I could stop time. 'No', I said, 'you do not disgust me, Cualle.'
I knew from Finrod that she had studied our language, Quenya, and from the way her eyes widened a little that she understood. Then her aged face broke into a broad smile as she comprehended that as I'd given her a special name then I must really love her even as she appeared to me now, as a very old woman.
I drew her carefully against me, so as not to hurt her for I was a little afraid that I might, so frail was she. I did notice that she wept. She snuggled against me, and as she did I knew my decision could not be put off for much longer. I looked down at the woman in my arms, and noticed her hair was dark again. So she had changed back! I understood her motives and smiled to realise how vain my lady could be.
'Do you know,' she said suddenly, 'that I knew when you died, I felt it happen'
'Did you!' I exclaimed. It seemed that mortals or at least some, are not so very different from elves after all.
'Yes, I have always known when people close to me were ill or injured, but I've never known when someone died before. Do you know why I should have felt your death?' she asked.
'No, it is a mystery to me. Finrod would have a better idea than I, but he is not here to ask so I can only speculate. Perhaps the very fact we love each created the beginning of what would have become a marriage bond had we wed.'
She pondered this for a few moments, 'Perhaps, I know not. All I know is sometimes I fancied that I could sense your thoughts, or maybe I should say emotions at times. I know not if I imagined this, but it brought me comfort at times. Until I felt you die, of course. That is what killed me; the shock I mean, for elves are not supposed to die.'
'No, we are not, but an Orc's blade can end anyone's life although I am sorry you had to experience my death like that. I too at times thought we had an emotional connection, but I was loath to explore that possibility for it meant that if I had become convinced that this connection did exist out side of my longings that I should have felt obliged to try to sever it as I would have felt that such a connection was not kind to you.' I smiled at her, 'At night, alone in the dark I would think of you, and at such time when I believed I fancied I could sense you that brought me great comfort. As has seeing you here brought me great joy.'
Andreth reached up and kissed me, a deep passionate kiss such as we had never shared. Tears streamed down both our faces as the kiss finally ended, and then we stood holding each other and whispering endearments to each other.
Still, all of this was not making the choice. I thought about the tapestries, and the events that should have been and as I did it gradually became clearer to me what choice I had to make. I knew the tapestries did not, could not, lie, and therefore all that would be different if Andreth and I married was real. A lot of suffering and evil would be prevented for many people, my dearest brother included. A fog seemed to lift from my mind as I realised that the personal happiness of Andreth and myself was secondary to changing the fate of the world. My choice was clear, and in the instant I made it, Mandos appeared.
'So, your choice is made?' the Vala confirmed.
'Yes, Lord, suddenly it became clear what we need to do.' I replied. Andreth's little hands had tightened on my arm, and her eyes were wide, and frightened. Poor lady, she misunderstood it seemed.
'You are both agreed? Mandos asked.
'Am I right, Lord,' stammered Andreth nervously, 'when I ask if Aegnor is thinking of returning us to life, the choice that I hope will bring us both great happiness?'
'And prevent great evil,' I said to her. 'That is more important than our happiness, although dearest, I will try very hard to be a good husband.'
Andreth was weeping again, but from relief and joy now, 'And I shall be a devoted and loving wife,' she whispered.
Mandos asked again if we were both agreed, and Andreth nodded as I spoke for us both, confirming we were agreed on this choice.
'Then I see no reason for delay,' said Mandos, and everything went black and silent.