A/N : I did promise you another chapter soon and here it is. Thanx to those who reviewed chapter 15 - Spikes Bint, LunarFaerie, tinkerbell42, Spoiler Babe, SpIkEs AnGeL1 - you guys are the best! :-) Here's the next installment of depression, lol, but I promise there will be a happy ending...eventually... ;-)

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 16 - Heartbreak Lullaby

"It's getting late" Buffy noticed suddenly.

It was several hours since she had first showed up at Spike's apartment, since they'd put things right between them and she'd cried like a baby all over him. After that they'd talked a little, she helped him clean up the kitchen for lack of knowing what else to do and now silence prevailed as the sun went down and darkness fell over the town around them.

"Yeah, s'pose it is" came Spike's reply as his friend moved from the couch over to where her bag and coat were.

"So, I guess I should head home" the blonde said as she pulled on her jacket and picked up the bag. Spike was about to tell her she didn't have to leave but then he wasn't so sure if he should. It'd definitely be uncomfortable, even if she realised the implications of them sharing a bed and allowed him to take the sofa for the night. Having her there in his home, distinctly lacking in clothing and just a few feet away, he wasn't sure if he could bear it. But Buffy shouldn't be alone and the thought of her being in pain and all alone tonight was worse.

"Buffy" he called after her as she reached the door, causing her to turn around sharply in surprise at the sound of his voice, "Y'know if you want you can stay here"

There was a long pause, both of them considering what that statement meant. She could stay because they were friends, because he loved her, because she needed to not be alone and maybe he needed her company too...

"Thanks" the blonde girl nodded, a small smile playing on her lips, "but I shouldn't" she shook her head slightly, tightening her grip on the handle of her bag and turning back toward the door.

"Why?" Spike found himself asking, even thought he knew every one of the hundred reasons why she felt she shouldn't stay, why they both knew it would be best if she walked away, "Buffy" he continued, not giving her a chance to answer, her back was still to him but she made no move to actually go out of the front door, "I want you to stay...if you want to, that is"

Buffy closed her eyes, left hand gripping the handle of her bag so tight that the circulation almost stopped, her right hand half way to the latch of the door, not sure whether to actually open it and leave or just turn around and stay here, where she did truly want to be...

"I do want to" she answered softly, he barely heard her as she dare not turn around until she'd finished speaking. As they both looked over at the other, their eyes met briefly and both evidently felt the effect, equal parts comfort and discomfort.

"You take the bed, I'll take the sofa" Spike smiled, standing up, crossing the short distance between them and taking Buffy's bag from her, "No arguments, okay?"

"Okay" came her quiet reply as she nodded, let her grip go on her bag and followed him as he entered the bedroom, put her bag there and picked up a pillow and a blanket.

"I'll see you in the morning then" he said turning toward the door to leave, Buffy shuffled nervously, nodded her head in answer to his question as he opened the door and made to exit the room.

"Goodnight Spike" she called to him just before the door closed behind him.

"Goodnight pet" came his reply, then he was gone.

With a deep sigh, Buffy closed her eyes and collapsed forwards onto the bed. It was a bed she'd slept in almost as many times as she'd slept in her own, it was also the bed that she'd shared with Spike in a completely non-sleep related way too.

It was strange, the idea of sleeping in his bed without his arms around her, but Buffy now realised it was unlikely that she and her best friend could ever get back to a place where such an arrangement would be comfortable again.

What they had done, the night they had shared, stirring up feelings within each other that they never knew were possible, it had changed their perfect friendship into something so much more complicated. Now, he could not hold her whilst she slept, could not bear to be in the room with her and as much as he said he forgave her, Buffy had a feeling it was because she had hurt him so much that he refused to be close to her that way.

She was somewhat relieved when he'd said she could stay, she didn't want to spend the night in her empty apartment, alone with just her painful thoughts and bitter-sweet memories. There in the next room, she imagined Spike, trying to lay comfortably on a sofa that was far too short for his height. Would he sleep in his clothes, she wondered as she removed her own, pulled on the over sized T-shirt she wore to sleep in, and climbed into the bed. Would he think of her before he closed his eyes? Would he dream about her? She'd dreamt about him, a lot when she was in LA. She'd dream of Angel first, his arms around her, his lips on her skin, and then it would change and it would be Spike she was with, who was making her feel all these wonderful things, better even than what she felt when it was Angel. She'd dreamt of the baby too, the barely existent creation it was now was insignificant in her sub-conscious, in her dreams it really was a child, her child, and sometimes these dreams were nightmares and she would lose the child, or Spike, or both, and wake up screaming in distress when something awful happened to either one or both of them...'but they're just dreams, and tonight will be better' she told herself, just as she had every night for the past week, but to no avail. Still she had to believe it, as she closed her eyes and floated away to the land of dreams.

In the next room, Spike was far from comfortable and not just because he was a foot or more longer than the piece of furniture he was attempting to rest upon. The blanket was too small and the pillow did little to make his head relax, but the most uncomfortable thing was knowing that the girl he loved, that for one night he'd been allowed to take as his own, was in the next room. So close and yet so unbelievably out of reach, the thought of it hurt enough, the reality was tearing him apart inside. 'It would have been less bad to let her walk away' he sighed, before realising it was a lie. If she had left he would have hated himself for letting her go when she was upset and lonely. Whatever had happened between them, whatever would happen or would not, they were still friends, the best of friends, and he had promised to be there for her. 'And so I bloody shall be' he promised himself, before he too closed his eyes and drifted off for the night.

She was running, running so fast that her legs were burning as if they were on fire, but she couldn't make herself stop. It was dark and it was cold and she couldn't seem to run fast enough to get away but she had try.

"Buffy!" she heard her name off to her left and she changed direction, and then stopped suddenly. Did she go towards the voice or away from it? She listened.

"Buffy!" the voice was closer now, the person coming toward her as she stood there in the dark, shivering and afraid.

"Who's there?" she called and suddenly he was beside her - Angel.

"You're nothing, Buffy" he sneered, walking around her, taunting her, "You're nothing and nobody...nobody wants you, nobody needs you, you're just a waste of space"

"No" Buffy began to scream, "no, no, no" she covered her ears with her hands, sank down to the floor and cried, her attempts to block out the cruel words futile as he sounded loud as ever. Then just as soon as he'd come, he was gone.

"What did you do?" she heard next, a smaller voice, a younger one, "What did you almost do? What will you do now?" it asked in a sing-song tone.

Buffy dared to look up and saw a child standing beside her, dark hair like Angel's, eyes the colour of her own.

"You're not real" she gasped, "And I didn't..."

"You almost did" the child interrupted, "You don't deserve me"

"No" Buffy cried reaching out a hand to the little girl before her, but the child stepped back further and further, disappearing into the dark again.

"You don't deserve me" she heard again, a third voice, a man's voice, one she knew only too well.

"Spike?" she called into the black, scrambling to her feet.

"What happened Buffy?" he asked as he appeared before her, she moved to go into his arms but he backed up, "It all changed Buffy, what did you do?" he asked her and she shook her head as more tears fell.

"I didn't mean too..." she cried but he was already disappearing.

"You didn't mean to" his voice echoed, even after he was gone "but you did"

The empty darkness was shattered by a rumble like thunder, a flash like lightening and a scream that pierced the space around her like a knife.

Buffy woke up with a jolt, sweat pouring from her forehead as she sat straight up, breathing heavily, petrified by her nightmare that had seemed all too real.

Running her hands over her face and back through her blonde hair, Buffy realised the tears were real, or maybe that was just the perspiration from the sheer fright, she wasn't sure. The dreams she'd had the past few nights had been bad but the feelings were so real, the voices so piercing, the dark so black and suffocating, it was just so real when she was there and so hard to push away when she awoke.

Without a sound, she swung her legs over the side of the bed, put her weight onto the shaky limbs and crept toward the door. Carefully and quietly she opened the bedroom door, it creaked a little as she knew it would, but did not wake the man in the next room.

Just a few steps brought her into the living room and there she saw Spike, on the sofa, fast asleep as she guessed he would be. He looked so peaceful when he slept and she wondered what his dreams were like tonight. Nothing like hers she was sure or he would never look so tranquil. Moving closer to him, she was struck by just how beautiful he looked lying there. She knew he was attractive, it had been hard enough to ignore before, but he looked so angelic as he slept and that only made her think of Angel. She'd watched him sleep before and when she thought of it, he was nothing like his name, no angelic look to him at all. But Spike, her William, he could not have looked more perfect, 'because he is perfect' she realised as she stood right beside the couch and wondered how he could continue to sleep when she was staring so hard, she could not, she was sure.

Not a thought in her head but the need to be close to him, Buffy sat on the edge of the sofa, before laying her head down on his chest and tucking her legs up next to his as best she could. There was barely enough room for him, nevermind both of them and she would have given up on her plan if it were not for the fact she was so unbelievably comfortable there, despite the fact she should not have been.

Buffy's eyes dropped closed and she hoped for more peaceful rest this time, she knew for sure that it would come as Spike shifted in his sleep, his arms subconsciously winding around her and holding her tightly to him.

The blonde girl revelled in the wonderful feeling of being where she felt she belonged, pushed away thoughts of how awkward things might get in the morning and concentrated on getting a good nights sleep, without the nightmares she knew would be removed, just by his presence, by his arms around her.

To Be Continued