Finrod.
It was early spring, and at night winter's cool chill was still in the air so a large fire burned brightly in my private chamber. I was visiting from my realm of Nargarthrond, and was deeply distressed to find my youngest brother sadly changed. He was unhappy, clearly brooding over something, and while it would have distressed me to see any of my siblings so clearly grieved, it seemed to be more distressing to see my bold fiery brother so quiet and withdrawn. He who had laughed and joked his way through life had changed. Yes, the shadow of the Curse of the Noldor was on him as it was on all of us, and yes, it had changed my brother as it has all of us, but this was different, and new. I could not even raise a smile from Aegnor and he seemed preoccupied.
Finally, this attitude of Aegnor's got the better of me, 'Brother, if we were mortals and not elves I should think you were falling ill!'
That drew his attention to me, and he looked directly at me for the first time since we had withdrawn to be alone tonight. When I had visited Angrod on my way here, he had mentioned Aegnor's problem to me, and I had promised to speak to the youngest of my brothers.
'I am ill, Finrod, in the only way an elf can be,' he replied, at length.
Grief, then as I had thought, and it chilled me for elves die so easily from grief and other ills of the soul and mind. But why? What could have happened to my little brother, who sat staring into the fire, ceaselessly turning his empty wine glass around and around in his hands.
So I sat next to Aegnor, and removed the glass from his grip, and took his hands in mine, and he looked at me, his light grey eyes almost black with sorrow.
'Can I help you in any way, brother?' I asked.
'No one can.'
'Surely your problem is not so hopeless?'
'It is.'
'Why?' I knew I should ask more, but words evaded me in the face of my brother's pain.
'Why? Why did you befriend mortals? Why when you met Beor and his followers did you not send them back east, whence they came?' he said, suddenly angry, and he pulled away from me, and began to pace the room.
'Aegnor!!' I jumped in front of him, so he had to stop. 'You are behaving irrationally! What is your problem? Angrod is beside himself with worry over you, and now so am I!'
A stricken look appeared on my brother's features, and he laid trembling hands on my shoulders, 'I'm sorry Finrod. Truly, I did not mean to worry you or Angrod so.'
'I know,' I said gently, and steered my brother back to his chair, and made him sit down. 'Now, please tell me what is wrong.'
'I never knew truly, how you must suffer from your separation from Amarie,' he remarked.
I drew back, a flash of raw emotional pain flooding me. Aegnor couldn't know that Amarie and I had become husband and wife that day I had left Aman; she had still refused to accompany me saying she could not rebel against the Valar. I had kept my oath to avenge Grandfather, and left, but the pain of my decision ate at me, all day, every day. Yet oddly, my memories of her maintained me, as well. Yet, even my brother had no right to ask such of me.
'You are asking questions even my brother should not!' I said, a sharp edge of anger in my voice.
'You ask something as difficult of me!' he retorted.
Well, maybe he just gave me the answer. 'Your problem is a lady, a mortal lady,' I stated. His eyes flashed quickly to mine, and his gaze dropped as quickly. 'What is her name?' I asked as gently as I could, wondering as I had so recently visited my friends of the House of the Beor on my way to brother's abode if it were possible if I had met this mysterious lady.
'Andreth,' he whispered.
So, I had, very briefly met the lady!! I had no converse with her, apart from polite greetings. I had thought her sad, sweet and gentle. Now I knew the cause of her sadness, and why she had avoided me after the brief words we shared. She knew I was her love's brother.
'A pretty lady,' I commented.
'You met her!!' My brother was astonished.
'Very briefly, but for long enough to see she too is bowed down with sorrow'.
Aegnor drew a deep shaking breath, and stared at me. 'Tell me, Finrod, what should I do?' he said his voice flat, without the lilting music that an elven voice should have.
I met my brother's gaze and spoke without any thought of saying ought but what I considered true, 'Such a marriage could only end in unhappiness for you both. For the lady, as she would age and wither while you remain unchanged, for you, brother, watching her grow older, knowing that you would lose her soon. And what of any children you and Andreth might have?'
'No one even knows if an elf and a mortal could have children', Aegnor replied.
'Don't brush my question aside like that! Brother, think: if you wed Andreth, and you are blessed with children, are they mortal or not? Will they be as us, or will they receive the Gift of Men one day?'
Aegnor's unhappy eyes stared at me, 'I do not think on things, as you do, Finrod, well not usually, but I have thought of what would become of any children Andreth and I would have if we wed.' He stood up and began to pace the floor again, and I knew very little prevented my brother from flying to his lady. Not that I blamed him, I knew how it felt to be separated from the love of one's life.
'And I can't stop thinking that the hand of the One is in this, that Andreth and I are meant to be together and have a family, for someone important will then be born,' Aegnor said almost to softly even for my ears.
'Come, little brother,' I said gently, taking his hands in mine. 'You are wandering in your mind! Please try to rest a little, for my sake, if not for yours, and when you have rested a little, we will talk more.' When I had left Amarie, we had been left behind, deserted and abandoned by Feanor. So we had walked across the Helcaraxe, and the difficulties of that journey, coupled with the fact I had to care for our people sustained me. Father had turned back but I could not, for the Noldor needed their princes, their leaders. Aegnor had no task he had to turn to, nothing to occupy his mind and to help him in his grief.
He looked at me, suddenly seeming as vulnerable as when he had been a small boy, 'Will you sing for me', he asked as he had when very small.
'Of course!' I said, and lead him to the bed, where I convinced him to lay down. My little brother snuggled up, and I sang him to sleep, as I had when he was a child. I sighed, looking at him, my sad little brother. He slept deeply for several hours, and for an elf to do so meant that he had not slept at all for some time. So I sat, and remembered many things from childhood, when I had been the eldest of an active family, and Aegnor the youngest boy. Then, my father was head of the family, and the one we all turned to in times of difficulty. Now it was I, and I admit that there were times like this when I wished that Father were here to turn to for advice.
So, I sat, thinking, realising that my errand to my brothers was going to be harder than ever to carry out. I had meant to ask Aegnor if he could accompany me to Nargathrond for a short while, but as I intended to visit my mortal friends again on the way home it seemed unfair to take him with me. However, I would ask him, as I needed him in Nargathrond.
I finally rested a little too, as I sat in my chair, and it Aegnor who woke me. 'Do you feel a little better?' I asked.
He nodded, 'a little.'
'Good!' It was just past dawn, but I knew the cooks would be hard at work already, so I decided to slip down to the kitchens and fetch us something to eat, for unless I missed my guess, Aegnor had probably not eaten properly in days either.
'My Lord!!' exclaimed one of the cooks, 'what are you doing here? Can I help you in any way?'
I explained that I was simply seeking an early breakfast for my brother, and myself and the cook cheerfully produced some new- baked bread, still hot from the ovens, and some berry preserve to go with it. I had a kettle my room, and so when I was back made some hot tea, which Aegnor eagerly drank. How long had he been neglecting himself, I wondered?
My brother seemed much more settled today, and I observed him carefully. I still needed him in Nargathrond, but I could manage somehow if I felt he was really unable to journey with me.
I decided to put that thought aside for now, and simply enjoy the time with my brother whom I had not seen much lately. Poor little brother, he needed some care and love, and I would give him what I could.
'Come on, Aegnor,' I said at last, 'show me the improvements to the defences here that I have heard so much of.'
'Very well, I shall, as I want your advice.'
It was nice to see Aegnor became more like his old self as he spoke to me, and showed me the plans, finally showing me the actual work as the day ended. Thankfully, he had the wisdom to not neglect the safety of the people who called him 'Lord'; his concern for those who looked to him had always been one of Aegnor's virtues. He knew his own mind too, better than most, and I knew he was deadly serious about Andreth, and that if he did follow his heart than he would care for her in every possible way while she lived.
So I spent a pleasant day in Aegnor's company, though he knew not how closely I watched him. His smile was shadowed, but not forced, and once or twice he even laughed. As dark fell, we decided not to dine with in the huge hall, but again I begged food from the kitchens, and we sat in beneath a peach tree, eating our supper.
It was nearly a full turn of the moon's cycle before I left to go home to Nargathrond. Aegnor had agreed to accompany me as I needed his skill as a stone smith. The final designs to be carved required my brother's skill to be satisfactorily completed, and therefore although my return journey would take me via the dwelling place of my mortal friends of the House of Beor, Aegnor had agreed to go with me. I knew he was apprehensive in case he happened across Andreth, not because he didn't want to see her, but because he was afraid of his possible reaction to her. I had reassured him that our visit would be brief, and that therefore he would unlikely to see Andreth unless he sought her out.
I had only been accompanied on my northwards journey by a handful of warriors, and that only in the unlikely case of Orc trouble in these peaceful days. Aegnor insisted on four of his people coming with us, men whose stone carving skill he said would need after I showed him the design sketches.
The journey to the abode of the Beorians was short, and I watched Aegnor closely. At a lake we stopped briefly to water the horses, and I noticed my brother's demeanour alter, he became quiet and withdrawn, and at my question simply stated he had both met and parted from his lady here. Poor brother, had I known I should have avoided the lake.
We rode on then, through the fields full of farmers hard at work. Most stopped their labour and waved cheerfully to us, it was nice to be so welcome.
Boromir welcomed to us on behalf of his father, Boron who was currently in the hands of the healers due to a broken leg.
'How did your father manage to break his leg?' I asked Boromir; quite sure some exploit would be the explanation.
'I have told Father time and again that he is no longer young, and well, he fell off a horse. A wild horse that no one has been able to tame. Of course Father had to try!'
I had to strive not to my mirth show, how exactly like Boromir this was! 'Did he suffer any other hurts?'
'Only to his pride!' Boromir glanced sideways at me, 'He's being very difficult, trying to get out of bed against the healers orders and generally being very trying. Thank the Valar for Andreth, she seems to be the only person Father will mind!' From the corner of my eye I saw Aegnor's face change and all the colour fade from him.
'Would you see Father, Finrod? You have the healer's gift, and might be able to help him, for he is not healing as he should; besides he'd like to see you. I know you have not yet refreshed yourself, so perhaps later?'
'Nonsense, I shall see Boron immediately, for courtesy asks I see the Lord, and friendship that I heal my friend. Take me to your father, Boromir!' Aegnor followed as much from curiosity as from not knowing where to go, or what else to do for now.
Boron's voice could be clearly heard even before we entered his rooms, complaining. He did give a great shout, loudly calling my name when we entered the room.
'Finrod!!! Good to see you again so soon! Perhaps you can tell these fools to leave me be! And get them to let me out of this bed, and to stop treating me like a child, tis only my leg broken, not my mind!'
'I shall see, good friend, what I can do for you, but I doubt you'll be out of that bed any time soon.'
As I spoke, a woman bearing a tray of food entered the room. My brother looked up, saw her, and slumped down in the chair he sat in. I looked at her, wondering what was wrong, and gave a little gasp, for the pretty dark haired maid was none other than Andreth.
It was early spring, and at night winter's cool chill was still in the air so a large fire burned brightly in my private chamber. I was visiting from my realm of Nargarthrond, and was deeply distressed to find my youngest brother sadly changed. He was unhappy, clearly brooding over something, and while it would have distressed me to see any of my siblings so clearly grieved, it seemed to be more distressing to see my bold fiery brother so quiet and withdrawn. He who had laughed and joked his way through life had changed. Yes, the shadow of the Curse of the Noldor was on him as it was on all of us, and yes, it had changed my brother as it has all of us, but this was different, and new. I could not even raise a smile from Aegnor and he seemed preoccupied.
Finally, this attitude of Aegnor's got the better of me, 'Brother, if we were mortals and not elves I should think you were falling ill!'
That drew his attention to me, and he looked directly at me for the first time since we had withdrawn to be alone tonight. When I had visited Angrod on my way here, he had mentioned Aegnor's problem to me, and I had promised to speak to the youngest of my brothers.
'I am ill, Finrod, in the only way an elf can be,' he replied, at length.
Grief, then as I had thought, and it chilled me for elves die so easily from grief and other ills of the soul and mind. But why? What could have happened to my little brother, who sat staring into the fire, ceaselessly turning his empty wine glass around and around in his hands.
So I sat next to Aegnor, and removed the glass from his grip, and took his hands in mine, and he looked at me, his light grey eyes almost black with sorrow.
'Can I help you in any way, brother?' I asked.
'No one can.'
'Surely your problem is not so hopeless?'
'It is.'
'Why?' I knew I should ask more, but words evaded me in the face of my brother's pain.
'Why? Why did you befriend mortals? Why when you met Beor and his followers did you not send them back east, whence they came?' he said, suddenly angry, and he pulled away from me, and began to pace the room.
'Aegnor!!' I jumped in front of him, so he had to stop. 'You are behaving irrationally! What is your problem? Angrod is beside himself with worry over you, and now so am I!'
A stricken look appeared on my brother's features, and he laid trembling hands on my shoulders, 'I'm sorry Finrod. Truly, I did not mean to worry you or Angrod so.'
'I know,' I said gently, and steered my brother back to his chair, and made him sit down. 'Now, please tell me what is wrong.'
'I never knew truly, how you must suffer from your separation from Amarie,' he remarked.
I drew back, a flash of raw emotional pain flooding me. Aegnor couldn't know that Amarie and I had become husband and wife that day I had left Aman; she had still refused to accompany me saying she could not rebel against the Valar. I had kept my oath to avenge Grandfather, and left, but the pain of my decision ate at me, all day, every day. Yet oddly, my memories of her maintained me, as well. Yet, even my brother had no right to ask such of me.
'You are asking questions even my brother should not!' I said, a sharp edge of anger in my voice.
'You ask something as difficult of me!' he retorted.
Well, maybe he just gave me the answer. 'Your problem is a lady, a mortal lady,' I stated. His eyes flashed quickly to mine, and his gaze dropped as quickly. 'What is her name?' I asked as gently as I could, wondering as I had so recently visited my friends of the House of the Beor on my way to brother's abode if it were possible if I had met this mysterious lady.
'Andreth,' he whispered.
So, I had, very briefly met the lady!! I had no converse with her, apart from polite greetings. I had thought her sad, sweet and gentle. Now I knew the cause of her sadness, and why she had avoided me after the brief words we shared. She knew I was her love's brother.
'A pretty lady,' I commented.
'You met her!!' My brother was astonished.
'Very briefly, but for long enough to see she too is bowed down with sorrow'.
Aegnor drew a deep shaking breath, and stared at me. 'Tell me, Finrod, what should I do?' he said his voice flat, without the lilting music that an elven voice should have.
I met my brother's gaze and spoke without any thought of saying ought but what I considered true, 'Such a marriage could only end in unhappiness for you both. For the lady, as she would age and wither while you remain unchanged, for you, brother, watching her grow older, knowing that you would lose her soon. And what of any children you and Andreth might have?'
'No one even knows if an elf and a mortal could have children', Aegnor replied.
'Don't brush my question aside like that! Brother, think: if you wed Andreth, and you are blessed with children, are they mortal or not? Will they be as us, or will they receive the Gift of Men one day?'
Aegnor's unhappy eyes stared at me, 'I do not think on things, as you do, Finrod, well not usually, but I have thought of what would become of any children Andreth and I would have if we wed.' He stood up and began to pace the floor again, and I knew very little prevented my brother from flying to his lady. Not that I blamed him, I knew how it felt to be separated from the love of one's life.
'And I can't stop thinking that the hand of the One is in this, that Andreth and I are meant to be together and have a family, for someone important will then be born,' Aegnor said almost to softly even for my ears.
'Come, little brother,' I said gently, taking his hands in mine. 'You are wandering in your mind! Please try to rest a little, for my sake, if not for yours, and when you have rested a little, we will talk more.' When I had left Amarie, we had been left behind, deserted and abandoned by Feanor. So we had walked across the Helcaraxe, and the difficulties of that journey, coupled with the fact I had to care for our people sustained me. Father had turned back but I could not, for the Noldor needed their princes, their leaders. Aegnor had no task he had to turn to, nothing to occupy his mind and to help him in his grief.
He looked at me, suddenly seeming as vulnerable as when he had been a small boy, 'Will you sing for me', he asked as he had when very small.
'Of course!' I said, and lead him to the bed, where I convinced him to lay down. My little brother snuggled up, and I sang him to sleep, as I had when he was a child. I sighed, looking at him, my sad little brother. He slept deeply for several hours, and for an elf to do so meant that he had not slept at all for some time. So I sat, and remembered many things from childhood, when I had been the eldest of an active family, and Aegnor the youngest boy. Then, my father was head of the family, and the one we all turned to in times of difficulty. Now it was I, and I admit that there were times like this when I wished that Father were here to turn to for advice.
So, I sat, thinking, realising that my errand to my brothers was going to be harder than ever to carry out. I had meant to ask Aegnor if he could accompany me to Nargathrond for a short while, but as I intended to visit my mortal friends again on the way home it seemed unfair to take him with me. However, I would ask him, as I needed him in Nargathrond.
I finally rested a little too, as I sat in my chair, and it Aegnor who woke me. 'Do you feel a little better?' I asked.
He nodded, 'a little.'
'Good!' It was just past dawn, but I knew the cooks would be hard at work already, so I decided to slip down to the kitchens and fetch us something to eat, for unless I missed my guess, Aegnor had probably not eaten properly in days either.
'My Lord!!' exclaimed one of the cooks, 'what are you doing here? Can I help you in any way?'
I explained that I was simply seeking an early breakfast for my brother, and myself and the cook cheerfully produced some new- baked bread, still hot from the ovens, and some berry preserve to go with it. I had a kettle my room, and so when I was back made some hot tea, which Aegnor eagerly drank. How long had he been neglecting himself, I wondered?
My brother seemed much more settled today, and I observed him carefully. I still needed him in Nargathrond, but I could manage somehow if I felt he was really unable to journey with me.
I decided to put that thought aside for now, and simply enjoy the time with my brother whom I had not seen much lately. Poor little brother, he needed some care and love, and I would give him what I could.
'Come on, Aegnor,' I said at last, 'show me the improvements to the defences here that I have heard so much of.'
'Very well, I shall, as I want your advice.'
It was nice to see Aegnor became more like his old self as he spoke to me, and showed me the plans, finally showing me the actual work as the day ended. Thankfully, he had the wisdom to not neglect the safety of the people who called him 'Lord'; his concern for those who looked to him had always been one of Aegnor's virtues. He knew his own mind too, better than most, and I knew he was deadly serious about Andreth, and that if he did follow his heart than he would care for her in every possible way while she lived.
So I spent a pleasant day in Aegnor's company, though he knew not how closely I watched him. His smile was shadowed, but not forced, and once or twice he even laughed. As dark fell, we decided not to dine with in the huge hall, but again I begged food from the kitchens, and we sat in beneath a peach tree, eating our supper.
It was nearly a full turn of the moon's cycle before I left to go home to Nargathrond. Aegnor had agreed to accompany me as I needed his skill as a stone smith. The final designs to be carved required my brother's skill to be satisfactorily completed, and therefore although my return journey would take me via the dwelling place of my mortal friends of the House of Beor, Aegnor had agreed to go with me. I knew he was apprehensive in case he happened across Andreth, not because he didn't want to see her, but because he was afraid of his possible reaction to her. I had reassured him that our visit would be brief, and that therefore he would unlikely to see Andreth unless he sought her out.
I had only been accompanied on my northwards journey by a handful of warriors, and that only in the unlikely case of Orc trouble in these peaceful days. Aegnor insisted on four of his people coming with us, men whose stone carving skill he said would need after I showed him the design sketches.
The journey to the abode of the Beorians was short, and I watched Aegnor closely. At a lake we stopped briefly to water the horses, and I noticed my brother's demeanour alter, he became quiet and withdrawn, and at my question simply stated he had both met and parted from his lady here. Poor brother, had I known I should have avoided the lake.
We rode on then, through the fields full of farmers hard at work. Most stopped their labour and waved cheerfully to us, it was nice to be so welcome.
Boromir welcomed to us on behalf of his father, Boron who was currently in the hands of the healers due to a broken leg.
'How did your father manage to break his leg?' I asked Boromir; quite sure some exploit would be the explanation.
'I have told Father time and again that he is no longer young, and well, he fell off a horse. A wild horse that no one has been able to tame. Of course Father had to try!'
I had to strive not to my mirth show, how exactly like Boromir this was! 'Did he suffer any other hurts?'
'Only to his pride!' Boromir glanced sideways at me, 'He's being very difficult, trying to get out of bed against the healers orders and generally being very trying. Thank the Valar for Andreth, she seems to be the only person Father will mind!' From the corner of my eye I saw Aegnor's face change and all the colour fade from him.
'Would you see Father, Finrod? You have the healer's gift, and might be able to help him, for he is not healing as he should; besides he'd like to see you. I know you have not yet refreshed yourself, so perhaps later?'
'Nonsense, I shall see Boron immediately, for courtesy asks I see the Lord, and friendship that I heal my friend. Take me to your father, Boromir!' Aegnor followed as much from curiosity as from not knowing where to go, or what else to do for now.
Boron's voice could be clearly heard even before we entered his rooms, complaining. He did give a great shout, loudly calling my name when we entered the room.
'Finrod!!! Good to see you again so soon! Perhaps you can tell these fools to leave me be! And get them to let me out of this bed, and to stop treating me like a child, tis only my leg broken, not my mind!'
'I shall see, good friend, what I can do for you, but I doubt you'll be out of that bed any time soon.'
As I spoke, a woman bearing a tray of food entered the room. My brother looked up, saw her, and slumped down in the chair he sat in. I looked at her, wondering what was wrong, and gave a little gasp, for the pretty dark haired maid was none other than Andreth.