*****
Seth helps Ryan to his feet, still worried about Ryan's state of mind.
"Maybe a walk wasn't such a good idea," Ryan says, calmly.
"Are you alright?" Seth asks, quietly.
"Yeah. It just wasn't a good day for him to be breathing my oxygen," Ryan remarks.
"Can I tell you something?" Seth asks, suddenly.
Ryan shrugs.
"You are scaring the shit out of me!" Seth says immediately. "One minute you're catatonic, you can't talk to anyone and then, you're okay for a while and then you're getting your ass kicked and laughing about it! Are you really losing your mind or can you tell me what the fuck is wrong with you?"
Ryan shakes his head. "I'm sorry, Seth, I'm really…I'm really out of it today."
"What happened with Luke?"
"I jumped him."
"No, you didn't. He had to say something, you wouldn't just attack him…" Seth starts.
"How do you know? He really made me mad," Ryan replies.
"I don't believe you," Seth states. He doesn't recognize the look in Ryan's eyes.
Ryan shrugs.
"Ryan…please."
Something in Seth's voice strikes Ryan and his eyes flash with emotion, startling his friend. " I just snapped. I can't explain it. I had to hit him. I don't know what else to say."
"Okay. Let's go home," Seth says, taking Ryan by the arm and pulling him back down the path toward their house.
"Hey Seth! Ryan! Wait up!"
They turn and are surprised to see Summer rushing up to them.
"Summer?" Seth asks.
She shoves Ryan. "I don't know what that was all about but Luke's pissed. He's going to be looking for you."
"Okay," Ryan shrugs.
Summer's face softens. "I'm sorry about your mother."
"Me, too."
"Marissa's worried about you and she can't leave Luke right now without getting in trouble. She sent me instead. Where you guys headed?" Summer asks.
"I'm taking Ryan home. He needs to get cleaned up so my parents don't find out he's fighting again," Seth answers.
"It might be a little late for that," Summer responds, nodding behind them. Ryan and Seth turn to find Sandy standing behind them.
"Seth. Ryan. What happened to you?" Sandy asks, glancing at Ryan.
Ryan doesn't respond immediately.
"Uh…" Seth starts.
"Before you think up a good lie, why don't you tell me the truth?"
"I got into it with Luke," Ryan says quietly.
"Who started it?" Sandy sighs.
Ryan raises his hand.
"You guys should get home. Kirsten's waiting. With food. Take out, so you guys can eat it. Go on, now. We'll talk about the fight later." Sandy shakes his head.
Seth and Ryan go home in silence. Ryan stops at the pool house first to get cleaned up. His face is starting to bruise and his abdomen is sore from the beating he took from Luke and his friend.
"Ryan?" Kirsten startles him. He jumps but turns to face her while pulling on a fresh t-shirt. "Sandy told me you got into another fight," She says. "You okay?" She sets a tray of food on the table, concerned.
"Yeah. I'm sorry…my nerves are a little on edge and I let it get the best of me. I shouldn't have taken out my issues on Luke…"
"Ryan, whatever you're dealing with right now is more than you can handle…"
"I just need a little time to deal with it…" Ryan interrupts. "I need…I don't know what I need."
"You need to eat. And rest. You're making yourself sick…" Kirsten says.
"I need to ask you a favor, Mrs. Cohen," Ryan says, quietly.
"Ryan, what?" She asks, confused about the subject change.
"Trey's in jail. Mom's boyfriend, he died with her. I want to go get her stuff. I don't want strangers picking through her stuff…" He says.
Kirsten is stricken. "Ryan, I don't think that's a good idea…you're already too upset…"
"I don't want anyone else to do it. It just wouldn't be right. I owe her that much…" Ryan whispers. His eyes are glazed.
Kirsten's worry grows. "Ryan, sit down…" She urges him to the couch.
"I'm okay…" He says after a beat, glancing up with clearer eyes.
"I'll have to talk to Sandy about it…" Kirsten says finally.
"It shouldn't take me too long, Mrs. Cohen, she doesn't have much stuff…"
"Ryan, this isn't your responsibility…"
"There's no one else, Mrs. Cohen." Ryan sighs. "Remember when I told you that I used to cook breakfast for my family? I did a lot of other things, too. I took care of things. I can file taxes. I can put in stitches. I can fix a car and scam free lunches for the whole family. I'm used to taking care of things for my family…"
"You don't have to do that anymore…" Kirsten starts.
"I know, because she's dead. I can't let you and Mr. Cohen do this for me. It's my past, I have to be the one that finishes this. It's just something I have to do…" Ryan replies, meeting her gaze evenly.
"I won't let you go alone…"
"You didn't know her. I can't let you go through her stuff." He shudders. "There's no telling what's in there…"
"At least let me drive you, Ryan. If you eat something, I'll drive you to her house and wait for you. I won't let you go alone," Kirsten decides.
"Really?" Ryan asks, slightly surprised.
"I'll go find your mother's address, Ryan and when I come back I expect this plate to be empty of food. Deal?"
He nods. He forces himself to eat, not letting himself think about the upcoming trip to his mother's. He hadn't thought about her things until Luke's fist started slamming into his gut. The pain from his beating had brought him back to reality. He has to snap out of his funk and move on with his life. Ryan can't dwell on his mother, she left him, she abandoned him, she gave up on him…
Ryan shakes the thoughts out of his head. He takes another bite of the sandwich. Finally, he manages to eat one. He starts on the second one, finishing half. He barely hears Kirsten enter because the nausea overtakes him and he rushes to the bathroom. Kirsten comes to the door and listens as he heaves.
"Ryan?" She calls.
He opens the door, pale. "I'm sorry. I tried…I don't know what's wrong with me…I just can't eat…"
"It's okay…" She says, sympathetic.
"Are you still going to take me?"
"Sandy's going to kill me, but if it's what you think you need to do, I'm still willing to try…"
"I'll do whatever you want me to do after this is done…"
She embraces him, gently. They leave together to go to Dawn's last address.
Kirsten parks outside and walks with him to the landlord's house to get the keys. Kirsten explains that they are there to get Dawn's personal belongings and the man unlocks the shabby house for them. He tells them that anything left in the house will be donated to goodwill and Ryan agrees with the man.
"You sure you don't want me to come inside?" Kirsten asks as they stand outside the door.
"You can come in, Mrs. Cohen," Ryan sighs, walking into his mother's house.
The house is dirty. There are empty liquor bottles, beer cans and food containers throughout the house. Kirsten sits down on the arm of the couch. Ryan starts in the kitchen, searching the drawers and stacking mail on the counter. Kirsten watches him as he sorts the mail, finally tossing it all into the trash. He continues straightening the house, bagging up the trash as he goes.
"I can at least help you clean, Ryan…" Kirsten offers.
"I can do it," Ryan answers. She waits quietly as he finishes the kitchen and starts on the living room. He pauses at an end table when he spots a shoebox lying underneath the table. He pulls it out and opens it.
"What?" Kirsten asks, seeing his blank expression.
"You don't want to know," He mutters. He doesn't move. She goes to his side, putting a hand on his shoulder. He closes the box after she glimpses a syringe and several bags of powder.
"Ryan…"
"It's okay. I just…I thought she was over this…I didn't know she was shooting up again…" He murmurs. He sighs and takes the box to the bathroom. Kirsten doesn't know what to do for Ryan as she hears him flushing the drugs. She goes to the bathroom door and watches him open the medicine cabinet and start dumping pills into the toilet.
"I think this was a bad idea, Ryan…"
"It's okay, Mrs. Cohen…" Ryan replies. "I'll be done soon." He continues searching the bathroom until he is satisfied before returning to the living room.
Kirsten is surprised when she realizes that Ryan doesn't find any pictures or keepsakes to save. She doesn't mention it but intends to mention it to Sandy later.
In the bedroom, Ryan sorts through all the clothes, folding them and sorting them into piles. He finds a box in her closet. He opens it and finds several stacks of unmailed envelopes addressed to himself and Trey. He carries the box into the living room and sets it beside Kirsten.
"Mrs. Cohen? Do you think you could sort these and get the ones out for Trey?"
"What about the ones for you?" She asks, quietly.
"I don't want them. You can open them if you want…see if you think I should read them. I don't care. I'm going to go finish up." Ryan leaves her with the box of letters. Kirsten pulls out all the ones addressed to Trey before pulling out one that is addressed to Ryan. She reads the first few lines before putting it back in the envelope.
Ryan doesn't let himself think about what he's doing. He finds a couple more boxes of drug paraphernalia and disposes of them. He's finished with the room when he finds a box under the bed containing all the pictures of himself and Trey when they were kids. He takes the box into the living room and puts it beside Kirsten.
"That's it. That's all I can do," Ryan says, sitting down.
"What's in this box?" Kirsten asks.
"Pictures. I guess we can give them to Trey," Ryan shrugs.
"You don't want any?"
"I want to forget about all of this. The drugs, the drinking, the beatings…I want it all to be over. And as soon as we leave, it will be," Ryan whispers.
"Do you mind if I go through these, Ryan? It's your childhood…" Kirsten says, stunned that he doesn't want any reminders.
"I didn't have a childhood, but you're welcome to go through them," Ryan replies.
Kirsten embraces him and for the first time, he actually returns her hug. They take the two boxes and go to the car.
Ryan is silent on the ride back to the Cohen's. Finally, Kirsten's worry causes her to speak. "Ryan. Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm better now. I had to do that." He is silent for a moment. "Seeing that house, her life without me…this isn't my fault. It's her fault. I did everything I could for her…She's the one that decided to move on without me. She went back to her life of drugs and drinking…and I should be glad she left me…"
"Are you sure? I'm still worried about you…"
"I think I'm okay. Really. I wasn't okay…I haven't been okay since I found out, but I think I'm okay now," Ryan replies.
Kirsten accepts the silence in the car.
Ryan speaks quietly. "I didn't know she was using again. It took us so long to get her clean last time. I just can't believe…"
"Ryan, your mother…she had a lot of problems…"
"You have no idea. I wonder if having me around kept her off the junk…" Ryan mutters.
"Ryan, you can't shoulder the responsibility for your mother's mistakes. She was an adult," Kirsten says quietly.
"Thank you for taking me. I…Thanks," Ryan says, meeting her gaze.
"You don't have to thank me, Ryan. I just wish there was more that we could do."
"Like what? Give me a place to stay? Feed me? Put me in school?" Ryan replies, seriously. He smiles as he catches Kirsten's glance.
"You know what I mean."
"I know. But believe me, you've done enough," He sighs as she pulls into the driveway.
"I want you to go get some rest," Kirsten says as he climbs out of the car.
"Okay. Tell Seth that I went to sleep, okay? I'll come up to the house and eat something when I get up…"
"I'll have Rosa make you something that will be easy on your stomach, okay?" Kirsten offers.
"Sure."
Ryan retreats to the pool house.
Kirsten enters the house with the boxes, setting them on the counter. Sandy and Seth glance up in surprise.
"Where have you been?" Sandy asks.
"I took Ryan to his mother's house. He wanted to go through her things before the landlord turned everything over to goodwill…" Kirsten says.
"Kirsten, the kid's grief-stricken already and you made him go to his dead mother's house to get her things?" Sandy asks, stunned.
"Ryan asked me if I would take him. I think…I think it was good for him…" Kirsten stammers.
"Is this Ryan?" Seth has started going through the box with the pictures in it.
"I think these are pictures of him and Trey as kids," Kirsten says, taking a handful and starting to go through them.
"This must be his dad. He looks just like him," Seth comments, holding up a photograph for his parents to examine.
"He says he doesn't want any of them. He says Trey can have them. I asked him if he minded if I went through them and he said that it was fine," Kirsten says.
"Are these letters from his mother?" Sandy asks, looking in the other box.
"He doesn't want them either. I started reading one…and I don't think he ever needs to see them. He wants to make sure Trey gets the ones intended for him," Kirsten adds.
"I'm going to go check on him," Seth says, dropping a handful of photos back into the box. Sandy watches his son leave before picking up the picture he abandoned.
"Kid really had a rough life, it looks like. He's beat up in most of these," Sandy comments.
"He found drugs there, it was like somebody punched him in the stomach, Sandy. After he was done, he genuinely seemed better. He said that seeing how she was living took away all his guilt. Seems she had beaten the drug problem in the past and he didn't know she was using again."
"Thank god," Sandy replies. "He would have felt even more guilty if he had known she was using drugs again…poor kid…"
Seth quietly opens the door to the pool house. He doesn't see Ryan in bed but follows the sound of vomiting to the bathroom.
"You'd think I was bulimic or something," Ryan mutters, acknowledging Seth as he steps out.
"How you doing?"
"Better. I'm dead tired, though," Ryan replies, honest.
"Really? You feel better?"
"I know this isn't my fault," Ryan says, walking past him and lying down on the bed. "That's better, right?"
"Yeah. So…you're okay," Seth states.
"I'm better. I'll need a couple of days before I'm okay."
"Well, I'm glad you're better. Ryan?" Seth calls, but Ryan is asleep.