The Matrix: Recliched
by Calli (Origami Flower) and Nain (Nain)
----------------------------**
Trumpets: DAN DAN DAA DAAAAAAN!
Trinity: After something explodes, I will then proceed to kick some ass, as is customary of all action movies.
Explosion: Why the hell are you waiting for me? GO KICK ASS, GIRL!
TRINITY KICKS some MAJOR ASS
Security Guards: Do we get paid for this? WE HAVE KIDS TO FEED, YOU KNOW.
Wachowskis: Are you kidding? We've already blown 200 million dollars on this movie. All that happens is you die. Therefore, we are not paying you.
Security Guards' Children: WE'RE SO HUNGRY!
Trinity: Excuse me, I'm suspended in Bullet-Time here, can we get on with this, please?
Agent Bunny: Oooh, look, a rebel. Let's shoot at her!
Agent Fuzzy: Yes, lets.
TRINITY JUMPS OUT of a WINDOW
Agent Bunny: I wonder if I can still shoot at you while falling.
Trinity: My gunshots have perfect timing! Oops. Ow!
Stupid Members of Audience: Noooooo! Trinity's dead!
Fangirl: Yay! KEANU IS MINE!
NEO wakes UP in BED NEXT to TRINITY.
Fangirl: NOOOO!
Neo: Damn these cliched prophetic dreams!
NEO GOES to EAT GOOP.
Trinity: Let's talk.
TRINITY CLINGS to NEO'S ARM
Neo: Do I haaave too?
Trinity: Of course you do. What kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't constantly nag you?
Link: Trinity, stop being clingy. We're late.
Neo: Late for what? And where did you come from?
Link: I came from... the UNKNOWN!
CREEPY MUSIC ENSUES
Neo: Oh, okay.
Trinity: Rock on.
IN THE COCKPIT OF THE NEBAKAFIZZLECHEESE
Link: Are you sure that's a good idea, sir?
Morpheus: Trust me, Link. I'm supposed to give a really long and boring trust speech here, but they didn't give me coffee this morning. Now, what does this button do?
Link: Sorry, sir. I just thought that getting Captain Lock a stripper for his birthday was a bad idea, sir... NO! DON'T PUSH THAT!
MORPHEUS PUSHES the BUTTON, BRITNEY SPEARS ENSUES
Britney: I'M NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMAN.......
Morpheus: NO! NO! PUT IT AWAY! PUT... IT... AWAAY!
IN UNDERGROUND HIDEOUTY SPOT
Niobe: I'm going to talk for a long time about things that you can't possibly know yet, since the Animatrix doesn't come out until June 1st.
Ghost: Preorder the Animatrix!
Purists: PREORDER?! NOW?!
ALL PURISTS IMMEDIATELY LEAVE THE CINEMA in DROVES, LEAVING SAID CINEMA MOSTLY EMPTY
Niobe: Anyway, the robots are digging. Oh yes. Digging a hole, right there in the ground...
MORPHEUS, TRINITY AND NEO APPEAR in a PUFF of GLITTERY SMOKE
Morpheus: Like, hasn't ANYONE heard of being, like, fashionably late?
Niobe: Morpheus, glad you decided to make an effort.
Morpheus: I'd apologize to you, but I'm tired and I haven't had any coffee. Therefore, you can listen to me rant about stuff and use words with more than two syllables.
Ajax: I HAVE THE SAME NAME AS A CLEANING PRODUCT!
Ice and Vector: Nobody but the Wachowskis actually know who we are!
Wachowskis: Damn straight.
Morpheus: Look, I need two of you to keep ships here, so that we can be fooled by a program and so we can piss off Lock. yes. muhaha. Soon, I will become GOZ.
Neo: err, GOZ?
Morpheus: Goddess... ah, God of Zion. But that's not the point.
Hamann: I make a long pointless point speech later on!
Neo: It just lengthens the movie! Pointlessly!
HAMANN and NEO HI-FIVE.
WURM is WAITING at THE DOOR WHEN KNOCKING ENSUES
Smithy: Hey, I'm looking for my bitch.
Wurm: Never heard of her. Or him. Tell me, which way do you swing?
Smithy: Whaa?
Wurm: I recognize you from somewhere. Hey, that's it! You were that gay drag queen! In Priscilla! Damn, your rendition of 'I Will Survive' was truly inspirational.
Smithy: Um, I must go. Tell neo I say Hi. Oh, and he set me free, so basically he condemned the whole human race. Bye!
Wurm: Wow, I can't believe I met the real Priscilla!
CORRUPT COMES out of THE BATHROOM
Corrupt: Um, who was that?
Wurm: It was PRISCILLA THE DRAG QUEEN!
Corrupt: Wasn't Priscilla the bus? And didn't you just say my part of the script?!
Wurm: Um... oops?
Neo: Who was that? I sense a disturbance in the force.
Wurm: It was Priscilla!
Neo: Isn't Priscilla a bus?
Wurm: WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING THAT?
AGENTS FUZZY, BUNNY and DISCO STU appear, EACH WEARING DRAG COSTUMES
Neo: Howdy, fellas.
Audience: ...
AGENTS: AAAAAH! OUR EARS!
Neo: Hmm. Rejects from the Mardi Gras. Oh well, I'll kick their ass, as this is a kung fu movie, and it is customary to do so.
Agent Disco Stu: Bring it on, beeyotch. Oh, yeah. Boogie down.
Neo: Corrupt, music!
'GIRLFRIEND' by NSYNC IMMEDIATELY BLASTS out of THE CD PLAYER
Neo: WRONG MUSIC!
Agent Disco Stu: Ooh, Baby, disco Stu is grabbing his crotch and dancing around like a fairy!
Agent Bunny: I've dreampt of this ever since I was a little girl...
Agent Fuzzy: OH MY GOSH! THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG! -does hip thrusts around the room- BUT WON'T YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND?
Neo: PLEASE, STOP IT. STOP THIS MADNESS!
Corrupt: ehe... ehe... my bad.
'FURIOUS ANGELS' by ROB DOUGAN BLASTS out of THE CD PLAYER
Nain: YAY! NEO KICKING ASS TO ROB D!
NAIN JUMPS ON NEO'S BACK
Neo: Oh, please, stop glomping me.
Nain: Fine then. Go act like a demented cowboy.
NEO KICKS the AGENTS ASSES EASILY
Calli: -waves pompoms- Neo, Neo, he's our guy! If he can't do it, away he'll fly!
Neo: Oh, I can't be stuffed. I'm out of here.
NEO DOES the SUPERMAN THING, ENDS UP in WIERD APARTMENT.
Calli: What a wimp.
Fangirl: Like totally, hi-five girlfriend!
BACK in THE REAL WORLD...
Trinity: WHERE IS MY BITCH!
Link: Despite being your operator, I have no idea what happened. However, I think I now know his childhood fantasy.
Morpheus: ... becoming a stripper?
Link: ... oh, come on...
Trinity: He's doing the superman thing, right?
Hamann: This was so totally pointless! Rock on!
BACK in THE MATRIX
Little Boy: Look, mummy! That man's flying!
Mother: Don't be silly, men can't fly.
BACK in THE REAL WORLD
Link: Yo, this is the Nebafizzlemanizzle, we want in.
Zion Virtual Control Operator: YOU SUCK!
Link: YO, WE WANT IN, MAH BITCHES AND ME.
Zion Virtual Control Operator: WHATEVER, HOMIE. YOUR BEDS ARE MADE, BUT YOUR WIFE DID IT BECAUSE SHE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR AND DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW. WELCOME HOME.
IN ZION, LAND of THE FREE
Morpheus: Hey, MIFFY BABY!
Mifune: Do not call me Miffy.
Lock's Lietenant: YO, WASSUP, HOME SLICE?
Morpheus: JUS' CHILLIN WIT MAH HOMIES.
Kid: OH MY GOD NEO 33
Audience: -sigh-
Trinity: Do not go near my bitch.
Link: What she said. Wait...
Kid: BUT... BUT... 333 I WANT TO EXPRESS MY ETERNAL GRATITUDE TO YOU. LET ME CARRY YOUR BAG.
Neo: Look, we don't have time. We have enough talking that the audience might revolt, so we're trying to hurry up and get to the kick-ass kung-fu scenes.
Kid: BUT... I want to join the Nebucheesechadnezexerroxorsdlifh423574035NEOLOVENEOSEXYNEOcheese.
Link: Carry my bag.
Kid: But... you're not Neo.
TRINITY LOOKS FLIRTATIOUSLY at NEO
Trinity: Think about the amount of... er... 'quiet time' we'd get.
Audience: ... whimper... no, please, no.
Neo: Ooooh! You mean to play with the SOCK PUPPETS?
Trinity: -looks annoyed- That's not what I meant...
Neo: -looks very disappointed- Oh.
Trinity: Um, let's go into the elevator and kiss each other passionately for awhile. This way, the fans will realise what a substandard sequel this is going to be!
Neo: Neat!
NEO and TRINITY MAKE OUT in the ELEVATOR. The DOOR OPENS.
Zionites: Gasp!
Trinity: Yeah, we forgot that whole savior deal.
Neo: Can't you people take care of yourselves?
Woman: I have a son on some random ship. Can you somehow watch over him even though you've never heard of his ship in your life?
NEO GRABS TRINITY'S ARM
Neo: Uh, Trinity... But I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO...
Audience: NO! OUR EYES!
Trinity: There'll be time later. I PROMISE.
TRINITY WINKS.
NEO STARES at the ZIONITES in HORROR
TRINITY LEAVES.
Neo: NO! TRINITY! Don't leave me alone with... them!
The ZIONITES PROCEED to SWARM NEO.
THE MEETING BETWEEN LOCK and MORPHEUS ENSUES.
Lock: Hello, Morpheus.
Morpheus: YO, MAH HOMIE G!
Lock: Obviously, sending you to that all-male mental health retreat was a bad idea.
Morpheus: YO, BUT YOU SMACKED MY BITCH UP, YOU.
Lock: I know. I'm just so much more sexy. But that's not what I'm here to bitch to you about, ho.
MORPHEUS: YOU CALLIN ME A HO??!
Lock: DAMN STRAIGHT!
Councillor Hamann: YO, HE MUST BE CALLING YOU A HO, FOO'. LOOK AT YOUR CLOTHES, YO.
Morpheus: -examines pink feathery boa and glittery sequined, slinky red dress-
Lock: HOHOHO!
Morpheus: THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WIT MY THREADS, YO.
Calli: This is stupid.
Councillor Hamann: Eh, whatever. Morpheus, I believe in all your prophecy bullshit.
Morpheus: See?!?!?
LOCK ROLLS HIS EYES.
Nain: I agree. Stop speaking in rapper talk, or we'll.. um... smack your bitch up.
Councillor Hamann: ... however, Morpheus, I don't like you. So, that's ten points from Gryffindor.
Lock: And I'm going to ban you from using the Nebuchadnezzar for the duration of your time in Zion.
Calli: I'd like to say how illogical that is.
Morpheus: THAT'S NOT FAIR, YOU BIG MEANIE!
Nain: I'd like to systematically agree with everything Calli says.
Calli: It's not like you're going to use the Neb while you're in Zion.
Lock: Oh, yeah...
LINK GOES to SEE ZEE
Link: Where's my pussy?
Zee: LINK, LANGUAGE.
Link: No, really. Where's Snowball? Here, kitty...
Zee: Link, Snowball... passed on. She was eaten by one of those giant radioactive mice.
Link: -falls to his knees- NOOOO!
Niece and Nephew: LINKY-KUN!
Cas: Now, children, your uncle has just suffered a great loss...
CHILDREN do NOT PAY ATTENTION, RATHER, THEY PICK at LINK'S HAIRDO.
Cas: Okay, kids, time to go!
Link: -through tears- Did... did Snowball die in pain?
Cas: Of course not, Linky. -whispers to Zee- maybe he should get some tonight. The lack of... um, brainpower... is killing him.
AT THE ZION BACK-TO-HUMAN PARTY...
Councillor Hamann: And now, I'd like to present to you, your very own insane lunatic, Morpheus-on-a-rock!
Morpheus: I AM MORPHEUS, YOUR GOD!
Lock: Oh, God, get him off there, get him OFF there...
Zionite 1: -throws tomato at Morpheus-
Morpheus: YOU GOT TOMATO ON MY SLAMMIN' OUTFIT, YOU BITCH!
Morpheus: -launches off the rock onto Zionite 1-
Zionite 2: What outfit?
Nain: Yeah, the tomato is most embedded in his chest hair.
Neo: -clambers up on rock-
Fangirls: YAAAAY!
Fangirl: OMG HE'S SO HAWT I LOVE YOU KEANU MARY ME MARYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee.....!!!!1111111111111111 OmG rOxOrZ sIsTaHz...
Trinity: -seethe-
NEO GRINS CHEESILY.
Neo: HI, GIRLS! I'M YOUR SAVIOR!
Fangirl: MARRY ME KEANU
Fangirl: SIGN MY JACKET KEANU
Fangirl: I LOVE YOU KEANU
Neo: Yeah, so... we're all going to die!
Zionites: WOO HOO!
Fangirl: OMG NEO YOU'LL SAVE ME RIGHT
Zionite 3: LIKE, LET'S HAVE AN ORGY!
NEO CLIMBS off the ROCK and GOES to SUCK TRINITY'S FACE
Wachowskis: God, I wonder what worldwide audiences will think of the upcoming scene.
Andy: Who cares? We made a shitload of money!
Larry: Let's go home and eat Tasty Wheat!
Trinity: DO NOT TOUCH MY BITCH.
Neo: Oh, SOCK PUPPET!
NEO LAUNCHES HIMSELF INTO TRINITY'S ARMS.
Trinity: NO SOCK PUPPETS!
Neo: But... Can you imagine if you got PREGNANT?
Trinity: I THOUGHT YOU USED PROTECTION!
Fangirls: Umm, this is kinda more than we needed to know.
FANGIRLS go and GLOMP the RAVE SCENE EXTRAS
Neo: Trinity, this is not the immaculate collection... err, conception. We haven't even started yet. See, everyone is out here, having an orgy. We should go.. somewhere more... private. Yes. Muaha.
NEO and TRINITY GET IT ON. IN SLOW-MO.
Audience: OH GOD NO
Purists: Excuse me, how is it possible for Trinity to be impregnated? Let's consider what Morpheus stated in 'The Matrix'... human beings are grown, not born.
Audience: Shut up.
Calli and Nain: OUR VIRGIN EYES!
NEO AND TRINITY STOP GETTING IT ON
Audience: OH THANK GOD
Trinity: NEO, DIDN'T YOU LIKE IT?!
Neo: ...I would rather have played with my sock puppets, if you must know. I can make them do ANYTHING!
NEO BEAMS. TRINITY CLUTCHES at HIS ARM.
Trinity: I'm not letting go of you. Ever. Not until you tell me that you love me more than your sock puppets.
Neo: NEVER!
SCENE CUTS to SMALL ROOM in THE MATRIX
Bane: I'm so glad we got out of that feminist's club with these porn magazines!
BANE HOLDS up THE PORN
Malachi: Yeah, did you see that really butch chick with the buzz cut and tattoo? I've never seen anything like it.
DRAG QUEEN AGENT SMITH ENTERS
Agent Smith: Hello, boys.
MALACHI GRABS THE PORN and DISAPPEARS THROUGH PHONE
Malachi: Yoink!
Bane: Shit.
Agent Smith: I really hope you don't mind if I plunge my hand into your chest.
Bane: Oh, no, not at all. Go right ahead.
AGENT SMITH STICKS HIS HAND INTO BANE'S CHEST
Agent Smith: Hello. Would you like some blue eyeshadow?
Bane-Smith: Oooh, do you have pink?
NEO LEAVES the APARTMENT, SHAKING in FEAR.
Councillor Hamann: Didn't your bitch like it?
Neo: You have a funny name.
Councillor Hamann: Do you want me to go annoy someone else?
Neo: No, you're supposed to annoy me and make a long senseless speech that only lengthens the movie and does nothing to develop the storyline.
NEO and COUNCILLOR HAMANN STAND in SILENCE for a MOMENT
Councillor Hamann: Umm... line?
Neo: -wakes up- whaaa?
Councillor Hamann: -coughs- Well, it's nice to see that some people are having a good night's sleep.
Neo: Um... I'm not.
NEO LOOKS AROUND SHIFTILY
Councillor Hamann: Like, let's go look at some machines.
NEO and THE GUY WITH A WIERD NAME go DOWN to the ENGINEERING LEVEL.
Councillor Hamann: I like coming down here to look at the machines because I can mock them.
Neo: Why the hell would you want to do that?
Councillor Hamann: Well, because--
Neo: Aren't you just stooping down to their level?
Councillor Hamann: I just--
Neo: How is humanity supposed to be freed if you make fun of the machines? I mean, we made fun of them BEFORE, and look what happened. Ninety-nine percent of us are floating in gelatine. We might be tasty. Someday. Ooh...
Councillor Hamann: SHUT UP!
Neo: But they could crush you.
NEO DOES the MACARENA
Random Voice: THE MACARENA: BORN IN 1991, DIED IN 1992.
Purist: Real world years or virtual years?
Random Voice: UHHH. WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP.
Councillor Hamann: By doing the Macarena, are you trying to make a point?
COUNCILLOR HAMANN COUGHS and OPENS the RELOADED SCRIPT
Councillor Hamann: You're supposed to say, 'So we need machines and they need us. Is that your point, Councillor?'
Neo: Uhhh...
Councillor Hamann: Of course, nobody at my age bothers to make points. It's pointless. Just like this part of the movie.
Neo: I like cheese.
CUT to LINK and ZEE in THEIR BEDROOM. ZEE is GLARING at LINK.
Link: I'm sorry, Zee, but I have to go. The Nebucheewookanoo needs an operator. And since the Wachowskis decided to kill off Tank, I'm the one that has to go.
Wachowskis: Who really wanted to buy Tank-related Merchandise? I mean, come on.
Calli: Who the hell wants to buy Link-related merchandise?! LINK SUCKS.
Matrix Purists: YEAH!
Nain: TANK FELL OFF THE FREAKING NEB...
CUT to LOCK'S OFFICE.
Lock: I just heard you let the Webblefizzle take off.
Councillor Hamann: Duh.
Lock: WHY, DAMMIT, WHY?!
Councillor Hamann: You look constipated, that's why, plus I don't like you, so that's fifty points from Slytherin...
CUT to the HOVERCRAFT PLACE, WHERE BANE is PUTTING up POSTERS FOR THE AGENT BEAUTY CONTEST
Bane: Owwie! A papercut!
Kid: Hey, Baneykins! What's up?
Bane: Yo, Kid.
Kid: Have you seen Neo? I want to marry him. In fact, I have a ring and everything. I so want to get it on with him, isn't he just GORGEOUS?
Bane: Well, he could use some mascara and some serious highlights. But he's not completely unfortunate-looking.
Kid: Why is your hand bleeding?
Bane: Oh... uh... masochism is very in right now.
Matrix Purists: It's because he's able to FEEL! ABLE TO FEEEEEEL... BECAUSE HE'S FREE, UNPLUGGED, A NEW MAN!
NEO and TRINITY and UNFORTUNATELY, LINK ENTER.
Kid: OMG, NEO, MY LOVER!
Trinity: He's my lover because we got it on last night. GOT IT ON! IN SLOW MOTION!
Kid: NO! MY DREAMS ARE SHATTERED!
KID SOBS
Neo: What are you doing, Bane?
NEO IGNORES KID POINTEDLY
Bane: Uhh... putting up posters. For the Agent Beauty Pageant. Dress up like Agent Smith, the most beautiful Agent of them all, and win a receding hairline!
Link: DID YOU SAY... AGENT?!
Bane: ...No.
Neo: You mean, like Priscilla?
Bane: Wasn't Priscilla the bus?
Neo: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT?!
Trinity: If we go now, Neo, you can play with your sock puppets.
Neo: I want a Priscilla doll!
Bane: Priscilla is the bus.
Neo: Is NOT.
Bane: How I wish that were true... THAT DAMN BUS GOT ALL THE CREDIT!
Trinity: Come ON, Neo. The Oracle wants to see you. Which means CANDY.
Neo: OOH! CANDY!
NEO THROWS himself INTO THE NEBUCHEESEFIZZ
----------------------------**
~FIN~
Nain: Well, there are so many Matrix parodies out there that we felt the need to write one too. Yup. We like it, although you may hate it. That's your problem. Ergo. Concordently. Vis a vis. You know what, I have no idea what the hell I'm saying. I just thought it would make me sound cool.
Calli: That's right, Nain. Vis-a-vis, we sound very concordent. Whatever the hell that means. Anyway, keep an eye out for the next part, because the Burly Brawl is going to be fun. Give us lots of reviews, we've worked our asses off on this thing (well, not really, since most of it was done VIA MSN, but heaps of it got deleted. THE AGENTS ARE ONTO US, FREE YOUR MINDS)
Uh, no flaming, and no saying that we know nothing about the Matrix, because we've each watched M1 more than 40 times. Reloaded... more than five. Nyahhh. x_x;; Oh, damn.
by Calli (Origami Flower) and Nain (Nain)
----------------------------**
Trumpets: DAN DAN DAA DAAAAAAN!
Trinity: After something explodes, I will then proceed to kick some ass, as is customary of all action movies.
Explosion: Why the hell are you waiting for me? GO KICK ASS, GIRL!
TRINITY KICKS some MAJOR ASS
Security Guards: Do we get paid for this? WE HAVE KIDS TO FEED, YOU KNOW.
Wachowskis: Are you kidding? We've already blown 200 million dollars on this movie. All that happens is you die. Therefore, we are not paying you.
Security Guards' Children: WE'RE SO HUNGRY!
Trinity: Excuse me, I'm suspended in Bullet-Time here, can we get on with this, please?
Agent Bunny: Oooh, look, a rebel. Let's shoot at her!
Agent Fuzzy: Yes, lets.
TRINITY JUMPS OUT of a WINDOW
Agent Bunny: I wonder if I can still shoot at you while falling.
Trinity: My gunshots have perfect timing! Oops. Ow!
Stupid Members of Audience: Noooooo! Trinity's dead!
Fangirl: Yay! KEANU IS MINE!
NEO wakes UP in BED NEXT to TRINITY.
Fangirl: NOOOO!
Neo: Damn these cliched prophetic dreams!
NEO GOES to EAT GOOP.
Trinity: Let's talk.
TRINITY CLINGS to NEO'S ARM
Neo: Do I haaave too?
Trinity: Of course you do. What kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't constantly nag you?
Link: Trinity, stop being clingy. We're late.
Neo: Late for what? And where did you come from?
Link: I came from... the UNKNOWN!
CREEPY MUSIC ENSUES
Neo: Oh, okay.
Trinity: Rock on.
IN THE COCKPIT OF THE NEBAKAFIZZLECHEESE
Link: Are you sure that's a good idea, sir?
Morpheus: Trust me, Link. I'm supposed to give a really long and boring trust speech here, but they didn't give me coffee this morning. Now, what does this button do?
Link: Sorry, sir. I just thought that getting Captain Lock a stripper for his birthday was a bad idea, sir... NO! DON'T PUSH THAT!
MORPHEUS PUSHES the BUTTON, BRITNEY SPEARS ENSUES
Britney: I'M NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMAN.......
Morpheus: NO! NO! PUT IT AWAY! PUT... IT... AWAAY!
IN UNDERGROUND HIDEOUTY SPOT
Niobe: I'm going to talk for a long time about things that you can't possibly know yet, since the Animatrix doesn't come out until June 1st.
Ghost: Preorder the Animatrix!
Purists: PREORDER?! NOW?!
ALL PURISTS IMMEDIATELY LEAVE THE CINEMA in DROVES, LEAVING SAID CINEMA MOSTLY EMPTY
Niobe: Anyway, the robots are digging. Oh yes. Digging a hole, right there in the ground...
MORPHEUS, TRINITY AND NEO APPEAR in a PUFF of GLITTERY SMOKE
Morpheus: Like, hasn't ANYONE heard of being, like, fashionably late?
Niobe: Morpheus, glad you decided to make an effort.
Morpheus: I'd apologize to you, but I'm tired and I haven't had any coffee. Therefore, you can listen to me rant about stuff and use words with more than two syllables.
Ajax: I HAVE THE SAME NAME AS A CLEANING PRODUCT!
Ice and Vector: Nobody but the Wachowskis actually know who we are!
Wachowskis: Damn straight.
Morpheus: Look, I need two of you to keep ships here, so that we can be fooled by a program and so we can piss off Lock. yes. muhaha. Soon, I will become GOZ.
Neo: err, GOZ?
Morpheus: Goddess... ah, God of Zion. But that's not the point.
Hamann: I make a long pointless point speech later on!
Neo: It just lengthens the movie! Pointlessly!
HAMANN and NEO HI-FIVE.
WURM is WAITING at THE DOOR WHEN KNOCKING ENSUES
Smithy: Hey, I'm looking for my bitch.
Wurm: Never heard of her. Or him. Tell me, which way do you swing?
Smithy: Whaa?
Wurm: I recognize you from somewhere. Hey, that's it! You were that gay drag queen! In Priscilla! Damn, your rendition of 'I Will Survive' was truly inspirational.
Smithy: Um, I must go. Tell neo I say Hi. Oh, and he set me free, so basically he condemned the whole human race. Bye!
Wurm: Wow, I can't believe I met the real Priscilla!
CORRUPT COMES out of THE BATHROOM
Corrupt: Um, who was that?
Wurm: It was PRISCILLA THE DRAG QUEEN!
Corrupt: Wasn't Priscilla the bus? And didn't you just say my part of the script?!
Wurm: Um... oops?
Neo: Who was that? I sense a disturbance in the force.
Wurm: It was Priscilla!
Neo: Isn't Priscilla a bus?
Wurm: WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING THAT?
AGENTS FUZZY, BUNNY and DISCO STU appear, EACH WEARING DRAG COSTUMES
Neo: Howdy, fellas.
Audience: ...
AGENTS: AAAAAH! OUR EARS!
Neo: Hmm. Rejects from the Mardi Gras. Oh well, I'll kick their ass, as this is a kung fu movie, and it is customary to do so.
Agent Disco Stu: Bring it on, beeyotch. Oh, yeah. Boogie down.
Neo: Corrupt, music!
'GIRLFRIEND' by NSYNC IMMEDIATELY BLASTS out of THE CD PLAYER
Neo: WRONG MUSIC!
Agent Disco Stu: Ooh, Baby, disco Stu is grabbing his crotch and dancing around like a fairy!
Agent Bunny: I've dreampt of this ever since I was a little girl...
Agent Fuzzy: OH MY GOSH! THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG! -does hip thrusts around the room- BUT WON'T YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND?
Neo: PLEASE, STOP IT. STOP THIS MADNESS!
Corrupt: ehe... ehe... my bad.
'FURIOUS ANGELS' by ROB DOUGAN BLASTS out of THE CD PLAYER
Nain: YAY! NEO KICKING ASS TO ROB D!
NAIN JUMPS ON NEO'S BACK
Neo: Oh, please, stop glomping me.
Nain: Fine then. Go act like a demented cowboy.
NEO KICKS the AGENTS ASSES EASILY
Calli: -waves pompoms- Neo, Neo, he's our guy! If he can't do it, away he'll fly!
Neo: Oh, I can't be stuffed. I'm out of here.
NEO DOES the SUPERMAN THING, ENDS UP in WIERD APARTMENT.
Calli: What a wimp.
Fangirl: Like totally, hi-five girlfriend!
BACK in THE REAL WORLD...
Trinity: WHERE IS MY BITCH!
Link: Despite being your operator, I have no idea what happened. However, I think I now know his childhood fantasy.
Morpheus: ... becoming a stripper?
Link: ... oh, come on...
Trinity: He's doing the superman thing, right?
Hamann: This was so totally pointless! Rock on!
BACK in THE MATRIX
Little Boy: Look, mummy! That man's flying!
Mother: Don't be silly, men can't fly.
BACK in THE REAL WORLD
Link: Yo, this is the Nebafizzlemanizzle, we want in.
Zion Virtual Control Operator: YOU SUCK!
Link: YO, WE WANT IN, MAH BITCHES AND ME.
Zion Virtual Control Operator: WHATEVER, HOMIE. YOUR BEDS ARE MADE, BUT YOUR WIFE DID IT BECAUSE SHE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR AND DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW. WELCOME HOME.
IN ZION, LAND of THE FREE
Morpheus: Hey, MIFFY BABY!
Mifune: Do not call me Miffy.
Lock's Lietenant: YO, WASSUP, HOME SLICE?
Morpheus: JUS' CHILLIN WIT MAH HOMIES.
Kid: OH MY GOD NEO 33
Audience: -sigh-
Trinity: Do not go near my bitch.
Link: What she said. Wait...
Kid: BUT... BUT... 333 I WANT TO EXPRESS MY ETERNAL GRATITUDE TO YOU. LET ME CARRY YOUR BAG.
Neo: Look, we don't have time. We have enough talking that the audience might revolt, so we're trying to hurry up and get to the kick-ass kung-fu scenes.
Kid: BUT... I want to join the Nebucheesechadnezexerroxorsdlifh423574035NEOLOVENEOSEXYNEOcheese.
Link: Carry my bag.
Kid: But... you're not Neo.
TRINITY LOOKS FLIRTATIOUSLY at NEO
Trinity: Think about the amount of... er... 'quiet time' we'd get.
Audience: ... whimper... no, please, no.
Neo: Ooooh! You mean to play with the SOCK PUPPETS?
Trinity: -looks annoyed- That's not what I meant...
Neo: -looks very disappointed- Oh.
Trinity: Um, let's go into the elevator and kiss each other passionately for awhile. This way, the fans will realise what a substandard sequel this is going to be!
Neo: Neat!
NEO and TRINITY MAKE OUT in the ELEVATOR. The DOOR OPENS.
Zionites: Gasp!
Trinity: Yeah, we forgot that whole savior deal.
Neo: Can't you people take care of yourselves?
Woman: I have a son on some random ship. Can you somehow watch over him even though you've never heard of his ship in your life?
NEO GRABS TRINITY'S ARM
Neo: Uh, Trinity... But I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO...
Audience: NO! OUR EYES!
Trinity: There'll be time later. I PROMISE.
TRINITY WINKS.
NEO STARES at the ZIONITES in HORROR
TRINITY LEAVES.
Neo: NO! TRINITY! Don't leave me alone with... them!
The ZIONITES PROCEED to SWARM NEO.
THE MEETING BETWEEN LOCK and MORPHEUS ENSUES.
Lock: Hello, Morpheus.
Morpheus: YO, MAH HOMIE G!
Lock: Obviously, sending you to that all-male mental health retreat was a bad idea.
Morpheus: YO, BUT YOU SMACKED MY BITCH UP, YOU.
Lock: I know. I'm just so much more sexy. But that's not what I'm here to bitch to you about, ho.
MORPHEUS: YOU CALLIN ME A HO??!
Lock: DAMN STRAIGHT!
Councillor Hamann: YO, HE MUST BE CALLING YOU A HO, FOO'. LOOK AT YOUR CLOTHES, YO.
Morpheus: -examines pink feathery boa and glittery sequined, slinky red dress-
Lock: HOHOHO!
Morpheus: THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WIT MY THREADS, YO.
Calli: This is stupid.
Councillor Hamann: Eh, whatever. Morpheus, I believe in all your prophecy bullshit.
Morpheus: See?!?!?
LOCK ROLLS HIS EYES.
Nain: I agree. Stop speaking in rapper talk, or we'll.. um... smack your bitch up.
Councillor Hamann: ... however, Morpheus, I don't like you. So, that's ten points from Gryffindor.
Lock: And I'm going to ban you from using the Nebuchadnezzar for the duration of your time in Zion.
Calli: I'd like to say how illogical that is.
Morpheus: THAT'S NOT FAIR, YOU BIG MEANIE!
Nain: I'd like to systematically agree with everything Calli says.
Calli: It's not like you're going to use the Neb while you're in Zion.
Lock: Oh, yeah...
LINK GOES to SEE ZEE
Link: Where's my pussy?
Zee: LINK, LANGUAGE.
Link: No, really. Where's Snowball? Here, kitty...
Zee: Link, Snowball... passed on. She was eaten by one of those giant radioactive mice.
Link: -falls to his knees- NOOOO!
Niece and Nephew: LINKY-KUN!
Cas: Now, children, your uncle has just suffered a great loss...
CHILDREN do NOT PAY ATTENTION, RATHER, THEY PICK at LINK'S HAIRDO.
Cas: Okay, kids, time to go!
Link: -through tears- Did... did Snowball die in pain?
Cas: Of course not, Linky. -whispers to Zee- maybe he should get some tonight. The lack of... um, brainpower... is killing him.
AT THE ZION BACK-TO-HUMAN PARTY...
Councillor Hamann: And now, I'd like to present to you, your very own insane lunatic, Morpheus-on-a-rock!
Morpheus: I AM MORPHEUS, YOUR GOD!
Lock: Oh, God, get him off there, get him OFF there...
Zionite 1: -throws tomato at Morpheus-
Morpheus: YOU GOT TOMATO ON MY SLAMMIN' OUTFIT, YOU BITCH!
Morpheus: -launches off the rock onto Zionite 1-
Zionite 2: What outfit?
Nain: Yeah, the tomato is most embedded in his chest hair.
Neo: -clambers up on rock-
Fangirls: YAAAAY!
Fangirl: OMG HE'S SO HAWT I LOVE YOU KEANU MARY ME MARYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee.....!!!!1111111111111111 OmG rOxOrZ sIsTaHz...
Trinity: -seethe-
NEO GRINS CHEESILY.
Neo: HI, GIRLS! I'M YOUR SAVIOR!
Fangirl: MARRY ME KEANU
Fangirl: SIGN MY JACKET KEANU
Fangirl: I LOVE YOU KEANU
Neo: Yeah, so... we're all going to die!
Zionites: WOO HOO!
Fangirl: OMG NEO YOU'LL SAVE ME RIGHT
Zionite 3: LIKE, LET'S HAVE AN ORGY!
NEO CLIMBS off the ROCK and GOES to SUCK TRINITY'S FACE
Wachowskis: God, I wonder what worldwide audiences will think of the upcoming scene.
Andy: Who cares? We made a shitload of money!
Larry: Let's go home and eat Tasty Wheat!
Trinity: DO NOT TOUCH MY BITCH.
Neo: Oh, SOCK PUPPET!
NEO LAUNCHES HIMSELF INTO TRINITY'S ARMS.
Trinity: NO SOCK PUPPETS!
Neo: But... Can you imagine if you got PREGNANT?
Trinity: I THOUGHT YOU USED PROTECTION!
Fangirls: Umm, this is kinda more than we needed to know.
FANGIRLS go and GLOMP the RAVE SCENE EXTRAS
Neo: Trinity, this is not the immaculate collection... err, conception. We haven't even started yet. See, everyone is out here, having an orgy. We should go.. somewhere more... private. Yes. Muaha.
NEO and TRINITY GET IT ON. IN SLOW-MO.
Audience: OH GOD NO
Purists: Excuse me, how is it possible for Trinity to be impregnated? Let's consider what Morpheus stated in 'The Matrix'... human beings are grown, not born.
Audience: Shut up.
Calli and Nain: OUR VIRGIN EYES!
NEO AND TRINITY STOP GETTING IT ON
Audience: OH THANK GOD
Trinity: NEO, DIDN'T YOU LIKE IT?!
Neo: ...I would rather have played with my sock puppets, if you must know. I can make them do ANYTHING!
NEO BEAMS. TRINITY CLUTCHES at HIS ARM.
Trinity: I'm not letting go of you. Ever. Not until you tell me that you love me more than your sock puppets.
Neo: NEVER!
SCENE CUTS to SMALL ROOM in THE MATRIX
Bane: I'm so glad we got out of that feminist's club with these porn magazines!
BANE HOLDS up THE PORN
Malachi: Yeah, did you see that really butch chick with the buzz cut and tattoo? I've never seen anything like it.
DRAG QUEEN AGENT SMITH ENTERS
Agent Smith: Hello, boys.
MALACHI GRABS THE PORN and DISAPPEARS THROUGH PHONE
Malachi: Yoink!
Bane: Shit.
Agent Smith: I really hope you don't mind if I plunge my hand into your chest.
Bane: Oh, no, not at all. Go right ahead.
AGENT SMITH STICKS HIS HAND INTO BANE'S CHEST
Agent Smith: Hello. Would you like some blue eyeshadow?
Bane-Smith: Oooh, do you have pink?
NEO LEAVES the APARTMENT, SHAKING in FEAR.
Councillor Hamann: Didn't your bitch like it?
Neo: You have a funny name.
Councillor Hamann: Do you want me to go annoy someone else?
Neo: No, you're supposed to annoy me and make a long senseless speech that only lengthens the movie and does nothing to develop the storyline.
NEO and COUNCILLOR HAMANN STAND in SILENCE for a MOMENT
Councillor Hamann: Umm... line?
Neo: -wakes up- whaaa?
Councillor Hamann: -coughs- Well, it's nice to see that some people are having a good night's sleep.
Neo: Um... I'm not.
NEO LOOKS AROUND SHIFTILY
Councillor Hamann: Like, let's go look at some machines.
NEO and THE GUY WITH A WIERD NAME go DOWN to the ENGINEERING LEVEL.
Councillor Hamann: I like coming down here to look at the machines because I can mock them.
Neo: Why the hell would you want to do that?
Councillor Hamann: Well, because--
Neo: Aren't you just stooping down to their level?
Councillor Hamann: I just--
Neo: How is humanity supposed to be freed if you make fun of the machines? I mean, we made fun of them BEFORE, and look what happened. Ninety-nine percent of us are floating in gelatine. We might be tasty. Someday. Ooh...
Councillor Hamann: SHUT UP!
Neo: But they could crush you.
NEO DOES the MACARENA
Random Voice: THE MACARENA: BORN IN 1991, DIED IN 1992.
Purist: Real world years or virtual years?
Random Voice: UHHH. WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP.
Councillor Hamann: By doing the Macarena, are you trying to make a point?
COUNCILLOR HAMANN COUGHS and OPENS the RELOADED SCRIPT
Councillor Hamann: You're supposed to say, 'So we need machines and they need us. Is that your point, Councillor?'
Neo: Uhhh...
Councillor Hamann: Of course, nobody at my age bothers to make points. It's pointless. Just like this part of the movie.
Neo: I like cheese.
CUT to LINK and ZEE in THEIR BEDROOM. ZEE is GLARING at LINK.
Link: I'm sorry, Zee, but I have to go. The Nebucheewookanoo needs an operator. And since the Wachowskis decided to kill off Tank, I'm the one that has to go.
Wachowskis: Who really wanted to buy Tank-related Merchandise? I mean, come on.
Calli: Who the hell wants to buy Link-related merchandise?! LINK SUCKS.
Matrix Purists: YEAH!
Nain: TANK FELL OFF THE FREAKING NEB...
CUT to LOCK'S OFFICE.
Lock: I just heard you let the Webblefizzle take off.
Councillor Hamann: Duh.
Lock: WHY, DAMMIT, WHY?!
Councillor Hamann: You look constipated, that's why, plus I don't like you, so that's fifty points from Slytherin...
CUT to the HOVERCRAFT PLACE, WHERE BANE is PUTTING up POSTERS FOR THE AGENT BEAUTY CONTEST
Bane: Owwie! A papercut!
Kid: Hey, Baneykins! What's up?
Bane: Yo, Kid.
Kid: Have you seen Neo? I want to marry him. In fact, I have a ring and everything. I so want to get it on with him, isn't he just GORGEOUS?
Bane: Well, he could use some mascara and some serious highlights. But he's not completely unfortunate-looking.
Kid: Why is your hand bleeding?
Bane: Oh... uh... masochism is very in right now.
Matrix Purists: It's because he's able to FEEL! ABLE TO FEEEEEEL... BECAUSE HE'S FREE, UNPLUGGED, A NEW MAN!
NEO and TRINITY and UNFORTUNATELY, LINK ENTER.
Kid: OMG, NEO, MY LOVER!
Trinity: He's my lover because we got it on last night. GOT IT ON! IN SLOW MOTION!
Kid: NO! MY DREAMS ARE SHATTERED!
KID SOBS
Neo: What are you doing, Bane?
NEO IGNORES KID POINTEDLY
Bane: Uhh... putting up posters. For the Agent Beauty Pageant. Dress up like Agent Smith, the most beautiful Agent of them all, and win a receding hairline!
Link: DID YOU SAY... AGENT?!
Bane: ...No.
Neo: You mean, like Priscilla?
Bane: Wasn't Priscilla the bus?
Neo: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT?!
Trinity: If we go now, Neo, you can play with your sock puppets.
Neo: I want a Priscilla doll!
Bane: Priscilla is the bus.
Neo: Is NOT.
Bane: How I wish that were true... THAT DAMN BUS GOT ALL THE CREDIT!
Trinity: Come ON, Neo. The Oracle wants to see you. Which means CANDY.
Neo: OOH! CANDY!
NEO THROWS himself INTO THE NEBUCHEESEFIZZ
----------------------------**
~FIN~
Nain: Well, there are so many Matrix parodies out there that we felt the need to write one too. Yup. We like it, although you may hate it. That's your problem. Ergo. Concordently. Vis a vis. You know what, I have no idea what the hell I'm saying. I just thought it would make me sound cool.
Calli: That's right, Nain. Vis-a-vis, we sound very concordent. Whatever the hell that means. Anyway, keep an eye out for the next part, because the Burly Brawl is going to be fun. Give us lots of reviews, we've worked our asses off on this thing (well, not really, since most of it was done VIA MSN, but heaps of it got deleted. THE AGENTS ARE ONTO US, FREE YOUR MINDS)
Uh, no flaming, and no saying that we know nothing about the Matrix, because we've each watched M1 more than 40 times. Reloaded... more than five. Nyahhh. x_x;; Oh, damn.