A/N : Hey guys! I'm back, with a new chapter. Thanks to; SpIkEs AnGeL, spike wuvs buffy, chazza, tinkerbell42, LunarFaerie, motherkat, bherycherry, fictionfreak2, azrielle - for all the fabulous reviews. I'm sorry I made some of you cry, but hopefully I will make you smile soon...;-) Oh, motherkat asked, how come Spike is English in this story. Well, his parents are English and they moved to America when he was a little kid, but he has some of the accemt cos his family all speak like that...well, that's my story anyway and I'm sticking to it! lol

Hope you all like this new chapter and I hope you review for me...oh, and I'm adding the final chapter to 'Spell Bound' too so you might wanna go read that too (and review, please)

For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1

Chapter 18 - Dazed and Confused

"We came as soon as we got your message" Xander rushed out as he came into the hospital room, Willow right behind him, both of them clearly out of breath from their rush to get to their friend in need.

Buffy was now half sitting, half laying in bed, Spike seated on the chair right beside her, her hand in both of his. He'd left a message on Willow's answering machine whilst he'd been in the waiting area, thinking perhaps she should know, and besides, he wasn't sure how well he was going to cope with having to be the shoulder Buffy cried on. Also another female might be handy to have around, given the nature of the incident. There are some things that, no matter how hard a man tries, he could never understand as well as a woman could. Presumably Willow had called Xander and it would've been his car that brought the pair to the hospital.

"Buffy, how are you feeling?" Willow asked her friend, coming to sit on the left edge of the bed as Xander stood at the end.

"I don't know" was Buffy's answer, and it was true. She had so many mixed up feelings rushing around inside of her. There was guilt over the baby and partly over Spike too, there was fear, there was relief, which brought guilt, plus the obvious sadness and finally an overbearing numbness that she didn't understand at all. Despite feeling a million different emotions she also felt extremely cut off from herself and the world, it was a very strange sensation.

"Is there anything we can do?" Xander asked, unable to think of anything himself but wishing he could. He too was having a severe attack of guilt. Whilst one of his best friends had been rushed into hospital, bleeding and in pain, he'd been half way to happy land with his secret girlfriend.

When Buffy didn't answer his question, Spike spoke up instead.

"Nothing much anyone can do about it" he said quietly, "She just needs rest and time..." he trailed off as his eyes moved from Xander and back over to his precious girl. He saw so much pain and confusion in her eyes and face, he just wanted to make all the badness go away for her and knowing that he couldn't was ripping him up inside. Feeling helpless was not something Spike had been used to, but it was something he'd felt a lot lately, still he just couldn't get used to it.

"Oh well, if you need rest maybe we shouldn't be here" Willow realised, getting to her feet again. Buffy made no movement, no sound, just stared more or less straight ahead. She'd been that way ever since what had happened. She'd cried all over Spike and when the tears ran dry she slumped back onto the pillows and was almost catatonic from then to now.

Spike had to admit, if only to himself, that she was scaring him in a big way. This was not his Buffy, she was always a fighter, always strong just like he was. Partly he blamed himself for the change in her, maybe his loving her so much had done this to her. Mostly of course he blamed that wanker, Angel O'Connor, but he dare not think of him too much. He knew if he did he'd get uncontrollably angry and violent, and that would be of no use right now.

Willow and Xander made their exit and Spike whispered a promise to Buffy that he'd be right back before letting her hand slide from his and following his friends out of the door.

"She will be okay, right Spike?" Willow asked him with a worried frown and he sighed.

"I bloody hope so" he said, glancing back through the glass at Buffy lying in bed, off Willow's tear-filled eyes he amended, "Yes, Red, she'll be fine" he tried to smile as he pulled the girl into a hug and Xander did his best not to look like as jealous as he felt.

"Are you gonna be okay, Spike?" the brunette checked as his friend released Willow.

"I have to be" was the bleach blond's answer, "for her sake, I have to be"

Both his friends knew his answer was double barrelled. He'd be okay in a physical sense, once he got over the tiredness and nausea that had come with the panic and getting up too fast that morning, but he'd also have to be okay with his feelings. Spike would have to hide his being in love with Buffy all over again, pretend he was comfortable around her even though he wasn't. Being near her was painful, holding her was torture, knowing that however close he seemed to get, it would never be close enough for him and she didn't want him as anything other than the best friend he had always been to her.

As Spike returned to watch over Buffy, Xander and Willow headed off down the hospital corridor towards the exit, his arm finding it's way over her shoulders as they walked.

"I feel so bad for Buffy" the red head was close to tears, "I can't imagine what she's going through"

"I know" Xander nodded in understanding, "but y'know, as awful as this is gonna sound, maybe it's for the best" he realised, "I mean, she didn't really want Angel's kid, especially not after everything that's happened"

"I guess" Willow all but whispered, as they came out through the front doors of the hospital.

"Hey" Xander turned his girl around to face him, his hands on her shoulders, "they are both going to be fine" he assured her, "just like us"

She managed half a smile at that as she went into his arms and he hugged her close.

"I wish we could tell them about us" she mumbled against his shoulder.

"I know, honey" her boyfriend replied, "but it wouldn't be all that fair, would it? I mean, we've got exactly what Spike wants with Buffy"

"I know" Willow nodded, hugging him even tighter if it were possible, feeling so lucky that everything had worked out for her and Xander and so scared that it might all go away, that they could end up like Spike and Buffy, so close and yet so far.

"It'll never be like that with us" Xander told her, as if he'd read her thoughts. Surprised by the fact that he'd answered her unasked question, Willow pulled back and looked at him strangely, "What?" he asked off her look.

"Nothing" she sighed, "Just, I love you, that's all" she managed a smile though the tears in her eyes were still there for her friends. She reached up and kissed the man she loved so much.

"I love you too, Will" he told her as they broke apart, "Now, let's go home"

Back inside the hospital, Spike was getting increasingly worried about Buffy. Still staring off into space, looking completely vacant as she had done for the past few hours. At least when she'd been crying all over him she was showing some emotion, when she was telling him about her guilt at least she was talking to him. Spike wasn't a man who was easily scared but he had to admit Buffy was terrifying him right now.

It was agony to watch her just lying there like that, feeling so helpless because there was nothing he could do to make it better for her. Eventually, he decided to take a break from his vigil and fetch himself a coffee, he wasn't a huge fan of the drink but it would keep him from getting too tired and give him some excuse to leave the room for just a few minutes.

"I'm just going to fetch a drink" he told his near catatonic friend and she barely nodded in reply, "You need anything?" he checked and from her lack of answer he guessed probably not.

This was more than just losing the baby, Spike knew that. There was some guilt from it, which he understood, but she wouldn't be this bad unless there were other reasons too. He felt guilty as he realised perhaps he was to blame. It was idea that had been spinning in his mind for the last few hours as he'd sat beside her bed. Things had changed so much between them, from the solid friendship they'd started to argue over Angel, then he realised his deeper feelings for the girl he'd known almost all of his life. Their night together had only served to further confuse things and her running away should have given them both the time and space they needed to figure out their thoughts and feelings but, in truth, Spike wondered if any amount of time would really help them get out of the mess of emotions that they'd got themselves into.

When he returned to Buffy's room, cup of disgusting coffee in hand, a doctor was just leaving and they almost bumped straight into each other just outside the door.

"Mr Summers?" the doctor asked him and as much as the idea of being Buffy's husband appealed to him, Spike thought perhaps he should tell the truth.

"No, William Jones" he introduced himself formally, "Buffy is my..." he wondered what word he should use, "er...my friend" he finished eventually, "I brought her in"

The doctor nodded.

"Mr Jones, your friend is going to need a lot of rest and much looking after" he explained, "It's not just the miscarriage either"

Spike shot the older man a questioning look and the doctor gestured for him to follow down the corridor to his office where they could talk properly. Spike read the name plate on the desk as he came into the room and sat down opposite the man whose name was apparently Dr Carlton.

"Mr Jones" he began with a sigh "Ms Summers appears to be somewhat underweight, she's not altogether responsive and suffering from severe lack of sleep"

"But that's just stress and the whole baby thing" said Spike, not entirely sure he was convinced of his reasoning himself, "She'll be fine in a few days, right?" he asked worriedly.

"As I said before" the doctor went on, "she's going to need looking after if she is to get any better. She's going to need constant attention and whilst she's in her current state someone needs to make sure she remembers to eat, make sure she's comfortable and get as much sleep as she can..."

"I'll do it" came Spike's immediate answer.

"Mr Jones, William, I understand your concern for your friend, but it might be best if we keep Buffy in the hospital for a while longer..." Dr Carlton said beseechingly but Spike would not be deterred.

"No, Buffy doesn't like hospitals" he protested, "She'll be better off with me, I can look after" he said, perhaps more loudly than he should have, standing up from his seat as he continued, "I appreciate what your saying Doc, I do, but I can look after, I have to" he spoke without properly thinking it through, without considering the complications, the agonising feelings he could suffer, not to mention his job which he was already so close to losing after taking so much time off.

With a sigh the doctor also stood up.

"If that is your decision, and if Miss Summers agrees, I'll see about discharging her"

Spike smiled at the small triumph he had gained.

"But she must stay overnight" Dr Carlton warned, "I'll check on her tomorrow morning and then if there is no negative change, I'll release her tomorrow afternoon"

"Thanks Doc" Spike nodded, reaching to shake the man's hand, still not considering the problems that could incur when Buffy came to stay in his apartment, all he knew was he was getting the chance to look after her, make her feel better, and it felt wonderful to know that he could somehow.

To Be Continued

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