A/N : Hey! I kinda went crazy with the fic writing over the weekend in that I didn't do much else except write! lol. (I have posted to short things as well as this new chapter!) Now, I have started another fantasy fic and also the sequel to 'The Guy Next Door', so I'm wondering, do I start posting those now as well as this one or do you want me to finish this completely and then do the other two? It's totally your call. As far as this fic goes, I'm estimating another five chapters if everything goes according to plan. This chapter doesn't have a whole lot of major plot going on, it just kind of elapses some time so I can get to the cute Spuffy stuff that I have planned for the next chapter - yes, you did read that correctly, sweet Spuffy is on it's way! Quick thankyou to everyone who reviewed; LunarFaerie, SpIkEs AnGeL, RoboShiflo, fictionfreak2, Azrielle, tinkerbell42, bheryandcherry, Spoiler Babe - you guys make me so happy with your nice reviews :-) Here's the next chapter, hope you like...please review...and if you need an extra happy, check out my new website (see end of chapter 18 for the link)

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 19 - Hidden Desires

At first Spike hadn't been sure how Buffy had felt about his plan to have her move in with him until she was better, of course he barely knew how he felt about it himself now the true implications had reached his brain. As he dragged the bags he'd helped her pack through his front door, his mind whirled with thoughts of exactly what he'd got himself into. This was his second trip from the car, up to the apartment, the first time he'd practically had to carry Buffy. Losing the baby had been the final straw, it had made her so weak, he couldn't believe he hadn't noticed how thin she'd gotten, but she always looked so beautiful, it would never occur to him to think otherwise.

Now there she was, half asleep on his sofa, and he realised that would be his bed from now on, until she was strong enough to move back to her own place. When that time came, would he be glad or pained? There was no way of knowing, no way of knowing how the next few days or possibly weeks would pan out, and that scared Spike to death, though he'd never admit it.

Buffy feigned sleep as she heard the front door open again and Spike barrelled into the apartment with her luggage. She wasn't entirely sure how she felt about living with her best friend right now. Before the event that she referred to in her mind as 'that night', it would have made no difference to her. In fact, she would have been more than happy to have lived with Spike forever, he was her best friend after all. Now she had feelings she had to hide on top of feelings the doctors had told her she should share, along with emotions she didn't want and couldn't name.

The guilt over her non-child was still strong, but so was her attraction to Spike she realised as she watched him through half closed eyes. Was it wrong to spend half her time thinking about him that way? Should she not be guilty a hundred percent of the time? But she couldn't be. A small part of her, a small but significant part, was sort of relieved and almost glad that the child she feared, would never be born.

This tiny part of her made the rest of her feel so much more guilty, because who would wish the death of their own child? But the father was no longer her lover, not even the man she loved if she were honest, at least she didn't think so. She had thought before that she could live without him though, and yet when she saw him again, she knew she'd deny him nothing and be his forever.

Tears streaked her face again as she realised he never would want her again, and not because she really wanted him to want her, but because she believed he was the only one that ever would. Ultimately, Buffy wanted Spike to want her and to love her just like he'd seemed to that night when...no, to think of it was wrong, what with the loss her baby and everything, how could she be so callous? Besides which, it was over, and she could not expect Spike to love her that way again even if he had before, she'd treated him so badly. She'd make do with them being friends again, just friends and nothing more. Hopefully in time, the torch that burned inside of her, the torch of love for this man, would find a way to put itself out before she combusted.

"Buffy, luv" he said softly, his hand on her shoulder trying to get her attention.

Her eyes opened slowly and he tried not to look directly into them for fear he'd do something they could both regret, "I'm just gonna fetch some things from the store" he told her, "I'll be five minutes, okay?"

She nodded that she'd be fine in his absence, but didn't say a word. She was less in a daze today and Spike was glad of it, although she still barely spoke and he wished she would if it were only words of guilt and sadness that emerged, he just couldn't stand her silence, it was not like her at all.

Trying to think of things other than Buffy had been tough enough for Spike anyway but now she was staying with him, he was going to spend all day looking after her, well, what chance did he stand of removing her from his mind?

Out of sight should have meant out of mind, but her absence had not made him forget her, not even a little bit, now she was going to be around him twenty-four-seven, he was just going to have to learn to love her as a friend again and not the way he really did. It was going to be mission practically impossible but he was going to have to try.

A week passed, then another. Every night of the first week Spike got Buffy to the bedroom and he himself slept on the sofa. In the mornings he'd help her back to the couch and she'd remain there most of the day while he fussed over her.

By the next week she was a little stronger, didn't need his help as much but it didn't occur to either of them for her to leave yet. She didn't really want to eat, but he made sure she did, she didn't want to talk though he tried to encourage her, but never was Angel or the almost-baby or 'that night' mentioned in any of their conversations.

They stuck to neutral topics, the weather and their friends and what was on TV, and they were both silently torn between being glad that the complicated subjects were being left alone, and upset that they couldn't have that closeness they once had. Both wondered if it would ever be possible for them to get back to that wonderful friendship they'd had before, after all that had happened, it certainly didn't seem like it so far.

Talking was the least of their worries, contact was worse. It was easier now Spike didn't need to help Buffy move around so much. Before he'd had to half carry her from the sofa to the bed, she was so weak. Being that close to each other, unaware that the other was just as nervous about it as they were, it had been hell for both of them, trying to restrain themselves, if only they had known that they didn't have to.

At the same time, Willow and Xander visited as often as they thought they should, the two also having to restrain themselves in front of their friends, believing it was never the right time to spill about their relationship. When Spike left the room and Buffy's eyes were closed, the red-head and brunette would share meaningful glances or squeeze each others hands. It was hard but the last thing either of them wanted to do was upset Spike or Buffy, their friends just meant too much to them.

It was just over three weeks since Buffy had moved in with Spike and she was looking and feeling much better than she had. Spike made a good nurse, as strange as it sounded, and he'd been incredible when it came to tending to Buffy's every need.

It was Friday evening and Xander had picked Willow up from work and driven them both to Spike's apartment to visit their friends. Nothing particularly unusual except Willow couldn't take the secrets anymore and tonight was the night when the truth came out.

"Are you sure about this Will?" Xander checked as he stopped the car outside the apartment block.

"Xander I know we had good reasons not to tell Spike and Buffy about us" she sighed, "but they're our best friends and I hate keeping this from them. They can't be anymore hurt by the truth than by us lying to them"

Her boyfriend gave her a look and Willow sighed.

"Okay so maybe they could" she conceded, "but you know I'm a terrible liar and I just want them to know how happy I am with you"

Xander smiled a her words. He agreed with her in that he did want Buffy and Spike to know that they were in love and so happy. He wanted to share his joy with his best friends more than anything but he couldn't help worrying it would make Spike feel worse, maybe Buffy too.

"Let's do it" Xander nodded as they both got out of the car, joining hands as they reached the door to the apartment block and went inside.

The elevator took them up to the correct floor and in moments they were faced with the front door of the apartment where there two best friends were currently living together. It was Willow who knocked on the door and Spike who answered it.

"Xander, Willow, good to see you" he smiled, but it was clear his heart wasn't in it and Xander knew the plan had gone out of the window as her hand slid out of his.

"Are you okay?" the red head asked her British friend as she gestured for them to come inside.

"If you'd asked me yesterday I'd have said not so bad" Spike told them as they came inside and he closed the door behind them, "but I just had my boss on the phone, I lost my job" he sighed.

"Oh no" Willow sympathised a little too loudly.

"Volume down, Red" he begged, "Buffy's in the bath and she doesn't know, I don't want her to find out yet either"

"How come the sudden unemployment?" Xander all but whispered as the three friends sat down in the living room, Willow on the sofa with him, Spike in the chair.

"Too much time off" Spike shrugged, "I half expected it really, but what could I do? I had to be here for Buffy"

There was silence from his friends who couldn't help but marvel at just how committed Spike was to Buffy, at how in love he was, but then it shouldn't seem so strange, they were equally as in love with each other.

"I s'pose it's her you came to see really, right?" Spike asked them, referring to his short-term room-mate.

"We didn't really come for a specific reason" Willow shook her head and Xander bit his lip. Wills hated to lie, but she was good at it when she felt it had to be done.

Buffy soon emerged from the bathroom and the four friends talked semi-comfortably for a while before the blonde girl got hungry and offered to get something for everyone to eat.

"I'll do that, luv" Spike said standing up but Buffy protested.

"I know you're trying to help, but I'm not an invalid, Spike, I can fix something simple" she told him, rising from her seat too.

"How about I help you?" he made a compromise and she agreed, causing Willow and Xander to share a look as the blonde couple left the room.

"They're so cute" Willow smiled sadly, "How can they not be together?"

"I don't know" Xander shook his head, "And hey, I thought we were supposed to be telling them about us" he whispered.

"I'm sorry, baby" he red head told him, taking hold of his hand, "I do want to, it's just...they're not happy and I just can't rub their noses in our good-ness"

"Hey guys" Buffy called, sticking her head back into the room, causing her friends to drop each others hands immediately and shuffling nervously, all of which Buffy noticed, "supplies are low in here so I'm thinking we throw some fries in the microwave and order a pizza instead. What do you say?"

"Er, well, actually, we should probably go" Willow stammered, knowing Buffy must have seen something and unable to go through with lying anymore.

"Will" Xander hissed, "She said pizza!" he protested, he didn't want to miss that. Ignoring him, she got up to leave and hoped he'd follow, which he grudgingly did.

"Yeah, Buff, we ought to be heading home" he nodded, "to our respective homes, Will to her home and me to mine, y'know" he rambled as they both headed for the door.

"Bye Spike" they both called through to the kitchen before also saying goodbye to Buffy and disappearing before anything else could be said or done.

"Bye" Spike said too late, appearing behind Buffy in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room.

"Those two are acting very wei..." Buffy began, changing her mind halfway and gasping "oh my God!"

"Oh your God, what?" Spike asked with a frown and she turned to look at him.

"Willow and Xander" she said slowly "I think they're...together"

"You mean like...together?" Spike checked with that certain type of emphasis on the word and his friend nodded that he was right "Huh, who'd a thought it?" Spike smirked as he looked towards the door Willow and Xander had just gone through.

"Yeah..." Buffy sighed, following his line of sight to the closed door.

"Best friends in love" Spike said with a sad smile as he turned back into the kitchen "Almost like a fairytale, innit?"

"Yeah" Buffy sighed, not moving at all "a fairytale"

To Be Continued