PART 2
Pacey
Ryan Pacey Witter was born 13 hours later, at 7 AM on June 25, 2010. He weighed 7 pounds, 13 ounces, had blue eyes and no sign of hair at birth.
As I sat in a chair beside my sleeping wife, I couldn't help but admire her. She'd been so brave and so strong while giving birth to our son. I felt so helpless, unable to take her pain away and do anything more than hold her hand, talk to her and help her with the breathing techniques we'd learned in class. I'd been watching her sleep for about an hour now, it had been only 3 hours since our son was born. I knew at any moment the nurse would come to wake Joey so that she could give her first try at breast feeding. I hated for her to be awakened from such a deep sleep, I knew she was tired before she even went into labor.
With the low click of the door, the nurse entered wheeling the bassinet with the baby inside. I stood and moved quietly across the room to greet my son. The nurse smiled at me.
"Why don't you go ahead and pick him up. I'll be back in a minute to get your wife ready for a feeding." She said this in a soft voice, almost a whisper.
With a smile on my face I leaned down to pick up my son. I felt a little nervous. I was so new at this and so inexperienced when it came to babies. As I turned around, I saw that Joey had been watching me the whole time. I smiled at her.
"I'm pretty good at this, huh?"
"Just like I knew you would be."
"How'd you sleep?"
"Really good, but I'm still pretty tired."
"Well, you've been through a lot," I said taking a seat beside her on the bed.
"He's gorgeous," she said softly as she peered over the blanket the baby was all wrapped up in. "Just like his Dad."
"Can you believe this?" I whispered. "I mean, can you really believe this?"
"I know," she said resting her head on my shoulder. "It's really something."
"The nurse is coming back soon to show you how to feed him," I told her. She nodded.
"Did you call Bessie?"
"Yeah, she said she'll come by tomorrow after you've had a chance to rest a little bit. And Dawson and Gretchen send their love. They want pictures."
"And your parents?" She asked cautiously.
I sighed. "No but I will. I just want some time to enjoy this before they come around and find a way to ruin it like they always do."
I always had such a hard time when it came to my parents. It was easy for me to say I hated them but I didn't, really. I just hated the way they made me feel as though I was worthless and doomed for failure. I hated the way they never believed in me or had dreams for me the way they had for Gretchen or Doug. But I did love them; they were my parents. And I certainly understood Joey's point of view on the subject: at least they were alive and in my life instead of behind bars.
"I think Ryan here would really like to know his grandparents," Joey whispered softly as she touched Ryan's tiny fingers. "They're the only ones he's ever going to have." She looked up at me with nervous eyes.
"I know, I know. You're right. It's just that..."
"I know too," she cut me off. "I know you're scared and I know you don't want our children to ever feel anything but love in their lives but, Pace, it's not like he's moving in with them. And it's not like he'll even be spending a whole lot of time with them. He just needs to know them; they need to know him. We have so little family."
I sighed. She knew me so well. She could practically read my mind. It was one of my favorite and least favorite things about her. "I'll call them while you're feeding him." I finally agreed.
"Thank you," she whispered as she kissed me softly on the cheek. "Ryan thanks you too."
"Yeah, well let me be the first to warn you, Ryan, that you have no idea what you're getting yourself into." I whispered to my son. Joey chuckled softly and wrapped her arm around my back.
"This whole Dad thing looks real good on you," she told me.
"Yeah?" I asked with a toothy grin.
"Yeah."
"Thanks," I whispered softly as I leaned over to kiss her.
We didn't hear the nurse enter the room again even though she'd knocked first. She cleared her throat before we ended our kiss and looked at her.
"Sorry to disturb the new family," the nurse beamed. "But it's time for Ryan and Mom to try feeding." She reached out to take the baby from me.
Once Ryan was safely in the nurse's arms, I turned to kiss Joey again. "I'm just gonna go make that phone call." I touched her cheek lightly as she nodded at me.
I stood outside the door to Joey's room and took a deep breath, then headed toward the pay phone I'd already become familiar with. Standing in front of the phone I dug through my pocket for change. I chuckled to myself at the thought of calling them collect. They'd love that. It rang twice before my mother's high-pitched voice pierced my ear.
"Hi, Ma, it's me, Pacey."
"Pacey, oh my, Pacey. How are you? Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. I just wanted to tell you that Joey had the baby." I could hear her crying now and I rolled my eyes. "Ma, you still there?"
"Oh, Pacey, that's...that's so wonderful. My little boy is a father. Hold on, let me get your father..."
"No, Ma, I can't..." I sighed, it was too late, I could hear her calling to him in the background. There were some loud noises and then my father's voice boomed through the phone.
"Son, congratulations." To my surprise, my father sounded genuinely happy.
"Yeah, thanks, Dad."
"So, your mother didn't tell me, is it a boy or a girl?"
"We didn't get around to that but it's a boy. We named him Ryan Pacey Witter."
"That's a nice name, son, a real nice name." I swore I heard my father's voice crack but knew it was impossible. Before I knew it, my mother was back on the phone again.
"We're both so happy for you, honey. And how is Joey, is she doing okay?"
"Oh yeah, she's fine. She's real strong. We're both just real happy right now and, uh, we both would like you and Dad to meet your grandson." I heard her gasp and then whisper to my father. It made me smile to hear them so excited about my life. "You should stop by tomorrow if you have some time," I continued.
"Definitely, yes, we'll be there," she told me with a teary voice. "Do you or Joey need anything?"
"No, no, we don't need anything. But Ma, could you tell Doug and Kerry the good news? Gretchen already knows."
"I'll do that, Pacey. And we'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, bye, Ma."
I hung up and went to the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee. I was finally feeling tired after being awake for an entire two days and knew that some caffeine would help. I figured Joey would probably need some more time feeding the baby so I drank my coffee in the cafeteria.
I was pleased that I'd managed to have a pretty decent conversation with my parents. No fighting, no insults, no disappointment. I thought I may have even detected some sort of pride in my father's voice and definite happiness. I actually looked forward to seeing them the next day. I shook my head as that thought registered in my mind. I spent so much time avoiding my family. Living for a year with Doug and then for a year with Gretchen in the beautiful beach house we'd shared. Before all of that, I spent as little time as possible at home. I was used to being the butt of all the family jokes and the black sheep, expected only to disappoint and do the wrong thing.
I took my last sip of coffee and thought that maybe things were finally changing. Maybe they'd moved past that and were ready to be my parents. I shrugged my shoulders and headed for the elevator to take me back to my wife and son.
I exited the elevator onto the maternity ward and noticed for the first time how quiet it was. I smiled at some of the nurses who had been especially kind to Joey and I. I entered the room quietly and noticed Joey was asleep again. The baby was back in his bassinet asleep as well. I tiptoed my way over to the little couch in the room and stretched out, feeling comfortable and relaxed for the first time in two days. I glanced at my watch, it read 3:14 pm. Tomorrow's going to be a busy day, I thought to myself. Better get some sleep while you can.
*****
I felt as though I was being dragged down the road by a moving car as I jolted out of sleep to the sound of my newborn son crying. I lifted my heavy head and surveyed the room before making my way to the bassinet to pick him up.
"Shh, shh..." I began as I turned to Joey who was also awake. "I guess this is how it's gonna be from now on," I said. I laughed joyously as I bounced lightly up and down trying to calm the baby, not disappointed at all that my fatherly duties were seriously beginning.
"Oh, God," Joey said softly as she sank back down against her pillows. She looked as though she was in pain.
"You okay, hon?" I asked her.
She dismissed my concerns by shaking her head and waving her hand at me. Then she picked up the buzzer to get the nurse.
"I think he wants to eat," I told her a little nervously when I wasn't able to stop the crying.
"Just wait until the nurse comes to give me something for the pain, then I'll feed him," she said, the pain echoing in her tone of voice."
I sat on the edge of the bed beside her. To my surprise, she turned away from me and curled up in the fetal position. I knew she had a very low tolerance for pain but she always sought comfort with me, never away from me.
"Joey?"
"Pacey, please," she spat at me. "I'm just in some pain here. Please don't talk anymore and make him stop crying."
I stood again, with the baby in my arms and began swaying back and forth. "C'mon, Ryan, shh, shhh, shh, shhh."
Silence finally fell across the small hospital room and I swore I heard Joey let out a sigh of relief. I continued rocking the baby back and forth when the nurse, Kim, entered.
"Hi Joey," she said in a chirpy voice. "Oh, you feeling some pain?" she asked noticing Joey's fetal positioning and then glancing at me with a reassuring smile. "Let me go get you some Tylenol. I'll be right back."
Kim returned quickly and I watched as she helped Joey sit up in bed and handed her a paper cup full of water to help her swallow the pills. Kim smoothed Joey's hair down for her and gently felt her forehead for a fever.
"You feel up to eating, honey?" Kim asked Joey. "Dinner's coming soon."
Joey only shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself. I yearned to hand the baby to the nurse and put my own arms around Joey but I knew my responsibilities now and I gathered that Joey didn't want me near her right then anyway.
"Okay, well why don't we try feeding the baby again. It's been two hours since the last feeding," Kim said glancing at her watch, "and he'll be getting fussy again any minute."
I saw a look of sheer terror in Joey's eyes at the mention of feeding the baby. I wanted to ask her if she was okay again but I didn't. Kim motioned to me that I should pass the baby over to Joey. I shuffled over to the bedside as Joey slowly and apprehensively put her arms out to receive Ryan. I smiled and searched her face for eye contact but got none. I swore Joey was on the verge of tears as she took the baby in her arms.
An hour later I sat outside Joey's room in a comfortable armchair. The baby had been returned to the nursery for a couple of hours so that Joey could sleep. Kim encouraged me to sleep too but I couldn't clear my head long enough to fall asleep. Joey's behavior was scaring me. I knew it had to be her hormones-post-partum depression-the doctors told us all about it before she gave birth. I knew I wasn't supposed to take it personally, but I did.
I started down the hall for the pay phone again. I punched in my calling card number and dialed the familiar phone number.
"Hello?" my sister's voice came through the phone and I thought I might cry at the sound of it.
"Gretch, it's me Pacey."
"Little brother," she said happily. "Or should I say, new Dad? How's it going?"
"Joey's freaking out, I think, and it's making me freak out and I just needed to talk to someone who's got some experience with this..." my voice trailed off.
"Oh," Gretchen said sounding surprised. "You do know you're supposed to be happy?"
"I am. I'm just worried about Joey."
"She'll be fine. She's just nervous and in a lot of pain. There are a whole lot of emotions involved in having a baby. Especially your first one. She's just gotta figure some stuff out and then she'll be fine."
I let out a deep breath. "I'm not used to us figuring things out separately."
"Well, get used to it," Gretchen said in her forceful tone of voice that I knew so well. "Believe it or not, Pace, this is not about you. It's hard for her in a way you won't ever understand unless you physically have a baby."
"Okay, okay. So is there anything that I can do?"
"Exactly what she tells you to do. If she says leave her alone, then leave her alone."
"So, were you this hard on Dawson?"
"I'm sure he'd tell you I was," she chuckled. "We all are, though," she said seriously, "it's a confusing time in a woman's life."
"I'm taking your word on this, that Joey is going to be okay," I told her.
"She will be." She paused for a second before continuing. "So, he's beautiful, isn't he?"
I smiled. "He's unbelievable. I still don't really believe that he's real."
"I can't wait to see him. I'm looking forward to this little reunion you crazy kids are planning," she said sarcastically referring, the way she always did, to the fact that she was a few years older than the rest of our group.
"I called Mom and Dad," I told her. The connection was quiet as Gretchen registered what I said. "Joey really wanted me to. She says, we have so little family that it's important for Ryan to know them," I continued.
"I think that's great," she said, a hint of nostalgia in her voice. "And, I'm proud of you for doing that."
"It wasn't so bad, actually. I mean, they sounded happy and excited. And you should've heard Mom when I asked her to come and see us. She was crying."
"Well, despite their constantly idiotic behavior, you know they always loved you. You're their son and I think you're going to learn really quickly what that means and how important it is."
I smiled at my sister's words. "Well, I should probably get back," I told her.
"I'm glad you called, Pace. And don't worry, everything will be okay. I promise you."
"Thanks, Gretchen."
I hung up the phone and headed back down the hall for Joey's room. I pushed the door open slowly and peeked inside. Joey was awake and I could tell from the look in her eyes that she was in her thinking mode.
"Hey," I whispered to her.
She turned and greeted me with a smile then motioned with her hand for me to come inside. I was secretly happy to have a moment alone with her and went quickly to her. She moved a little to make room for me and I joined her on the bed putting my arm around her. She nestled her head on my chest.
"Are you okay?" I asked patting her lightly on the shoulder. I tried to control my voice so I didn't sound too serious or too concerned but I knew she wouldn't buy it.
"I'll be okay," she said softly. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. This is just really overwhelming."
"Well, you're not in this alone, Jo."
"I know," she said tightening her grip around me. "You wanna take over some of the breast feeding shifts then," she joked.
"It's horrible?" I asked her.
"Just hurts," she sighed.
"You don't have to breast feed."
"I know but I want to. Everything I read said it was the best way for a mother and child to bond. And it's healthier for him. I just need to get used to it. That's all."
"I love you," I told her as I rested my cheek on top of her head.
"Can you do something for me?" she asked in a teary voice.
"Anything."
"Call Bessie. Tell her to come now."
"Okay," I said. I felt the tension leave her body as I agreed to her request and it made me never want to leave her side. I understood, in that moment, that Joey needed her "mother" now more than ever.
"Tell her just her for today. She can bring Alex and Sammy tomorrow."
"Okay."
"I love you too," she said letting go of me and reaching up to kiss me.
Afterwards I settled into hugging her. It was one of my favorite things, to hug her. It made me feel safe and loved and like nothing else in the world mattered. I felt as though I needed to say something to her in this moment, something that would make her less afraid and more confident. But nothing seemed right or appropriate.
"You give the best hugs," I finally told her.
She laughed and turned her head to kiss me on the neck.
"We're going to be fine, you know," I said more seriously. "We've always been good at doing the hard things together."
"You're right," she said pulling away from me. "I know you're right."
Pacey
Ryan Pacey Witter was born 13 hours later, at 7 AM on June 25, 2010. He weighed 7 pounds, 13 ounces, had blue eyes and no sign of hair at birth.
As I sat in a chair beside my sleeping wife, I couldn't help but admire her. She'd been so brave and so strong while giving birth to our son. I felt so helpless, unable to take her pain away and do anything more than hold her hand, talk to her and help her with the breathing techniques we'd learned in class. I'd been watching her sleep for about an hour now, it had been only 3 hours since our son was born. I knew at any moment the nurse would come to wake Joey so that she could give her first try at breast feeding. I hated for her to be awakened from such a deep sleep, I knew she was tired before she even went into labor.
With the low click of the door, the nurse entered wheeling the bassinet with the baby inside. I stood and moved quietly across the room to greet my son. The nurse smiled at me.
"Why don't you go ahead and pick him up. I'll be back in a minute to get your wife ready for a feeding." She said this in a soft voice, almost a whisper.
With a smile on my face I leaned down to pick up my son. I felt a little nervous. I was so new at this and so inexperienced when it came to babies. As I turned around, I saw that Joey had been watching me the whole time. I smiled at her.
"I'm pretty good at this, huh?"
"Just like I knew you would be."
"How'd you sleep?"
"Really good, but I'm still pretty tired."
"Well, you've been through a lot," I said taking a seat beside her on the bed.
"He's gorgeous," she said softly as she peered over the blanket the baby was all wrapped up in. "Just like his Dad."
"Can you believe this?" I whispered. "I mean, can you really believe this?"
"I know," she said resting her head on my shoulder. "It's really something."
"The nurse is coming back soon to show you how to feed him," I told her. She nodded.
"Did you call Bessie?"
"Yeah, she said she'll come by tomorrow after you've had a chance to rest a little bit. And Dawson and Gretchen send their love. They want pictures."
"And your parents?" She asked cautiously.
I sighed. "No but I will. I just want some time to enjoy this before they come around and find a way to ruin it like they always do."
I always had such a hard time when it came to my parents. It was easy for me to say I hated them but I didn't, really. I just hated the way they made me feel as though I was worthless and doomed for failure. I hated the way they never believed in me or had dreams for me the way they had for Gretchen or Doug. But I did love them; they were my parents. And I certainly understood Joey's point of view on the subject: at least they were alive and in my life instead of behind bars.
"I think Ryan here would really like to know his grandparents," Joey whispered softly as she touched Ryan's tiny fingers. "They're the only ones he's ever going to have." She looked up at me with nervous eyes.
"I know, I know. You're right. It's just that..."
"I know too," she cut me off. "I know you're scared and I know you don't want our children to ever feel anything but love in their lives but, Pace, it's not like he's moving in with them. And it's not like he'll even be spending a whole lot of time with them. He just needs to know them; they need to know him. We have so little family."
I sighed. She knew me so well. She could practically read my mind. It was one of my favorite and least favorite things about her. "I'll call them while you're feeding him." I finally agreed.
"Thank you," she whispered as she kissed me softly on the cheek. "Ryan thanks you too."
"Yeah, well let me be the first to warn you, Ryan, that you have no idea what you're getting yourself into." I whispered to my son. Joey chuckled softly and wrapped her arm around my back.
"This whole Dad thing looks real good on you," she told me.
"Yeah?" I asked with a toothy grin.
"Yeah."
"Thanks," I whispered softly as I leaned over to kiss her.
We didn't hear the nurse enter the room again even though she'd knocked first. She cleared her throat before we ended our kiss and looked at her.
"Sorry to disturb the new family," the nurse beamed. "But it's time for Ryan and Mom to try feeding." She reached out to take the baby from me.
Once Ryan was safely in the nurse's arms, I turned to kiss Joey again. "I'm just gonna go make that phone call." I touched her cheek lightly as she nodded at me.
I stood outside the door to Joey's room and took a deep breath, then headed toward the pay phone I'd already become familiar with. Standing in front of the phone I dug through my pocket for change. I chuckled to myself at the thought of calling them collect. They'd love that. It rang twice before my mother's high-pitched voice pierced my ear.
"Hi, Ma, it's me, Pacey."
"Pacey, oh my, Pacey. How are you? Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. I just wanted to tell you that Joey had the baby." I could hear her crying now and I rolled my eyes. "Ma, you still there?"
"Oh, Pacey, that's...that's so wonderful. My little boy is a father. Hold on, let me get your father..."
"No, Ma, I can't..." I sighed, it was too late, I could hear her calling to him in the background. There were some loud noises and then my father's voice boomed through the phone.
"Son, congratulations." To my surprise, my father sounded genuinely happy.
"Yeah, thanks, Dad."
"So, your mother didn't tell me, is it a boy or a girl?"
"We didn't get around to that but it's a boy. We named him Ryan Pacey Witter."
"That's a nice name, son, a real nice name." I swore I heard my father's voice crack but knew it was impossible. Before I knew it, my mother was back on the phone again.
"We're both so happy for you, honey. And how is Joey, is she doing okay?"
"Oh yeah, she's fine. She's real strong. We're both just real happy right now and, uh, we both would like you and Dad to meet your grandson." I heard her gasp and then whisper to my father. It made me smile to hear them so excited about my life. "You should stop by tomorrow if you have some time," I continued.
"Definitely, yes, we'll be there," she told me with a teary voice. "Do you or Joey need anything?"
"No, no, we don't need anything. But Ma, could you tell Doug and Kerry the good news? Gretchen already knows."
"I'll do that, Pacey. And we'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, bye, Ma."
I hung up and went to the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee. I was finally feeling tired after being awake for an entire two days and knew that some caffeine would help. I figured Joey would probably need some more time feeding the baby so I drank my coffee in the cafeteria.
I was pleased that I'd managed to have a pretty decent conversation with my parents. No fighting, no insults, no disappointment. I thought I may have even detected some sort of pride in my father's voice and definite happiness. I actually looked forward to seeing them the next day. I shook my head as that thought registered in my mind. I spent so much time avoiding my family. Living for a year with Doug and then for a year with Gretchen in the beautiful beach house we'd shared. Before all of that, I spent as little time as possible at home. I was used to being the butt of all the family jokes and the black sheep, expected only to disappoint and do the wrong thing.
I took my last sip of coffee and thought that maybe things were finally changing. Maybe they'd moved past that and were ready to be my parents. I shrugged my shoulders and headed for the elevator to take me back to my wife and son.
I exited the elevator onto the maternity ward and noticed for the first time how quiet it was. I smiled at some of the nurses who had been especially kind to Joey and I. I entered the room quietly and noticed Joey was asleep again. The baby was back in his bassinet asleep as well. I tiptoed my way over to the little couch in the room and stretched out, feeling comfortable and relaxed for the first time in two days. I glanced at my watch, it read 3:14 pm. Tomorrow's going to be a busy day, I thought to myself. Better get some sleep while you can.
*****
I felt as though I was being dragged down the road by a moving car as I jolted out of sleep to the sound of my newborn son crying. I lifted my heavy head and surveyed the room before making my way to the bassinet to pick him up.
"Shh, shh..." I began as I turned to Joey who was also awake. "I guess this is how it's gonna be from now on," I said. I laughed joyously as I bounced lightly up and down trying to calm the baby, not disappointed at all that my fatherly duties were seriously beginning.
"Oh, God," Joey said softly as she sank back down against her pillows. She looked as though she was in pain.
"You okay, hon?" I asked her.
She dismissed my concerns by shaking her head and waving her hand at me. Then she picked up the buzzer to get the nurse.
"I think he wants to eat," I told her a little nervously when I wasn't able to stop the crying.
"Just wait until the nurse comes to give me something for the pain, then I'll feed him," she said, the pain echoing in her tone of voice."
I sat on the edge of the bed beside her. To my surprise, she turned away from me and curled up in the fetal position. I knew she had a very low tolerance for pain but she always sought comfort with me, never away from me.
"Joey?"
"Pacey, please," she spat at me. "I'm just in some pain here. Please don't talk anymore and make him stop crying."
I stood again, with the baby in my arms and began swaying back and forth. "C'mon, Ryan, shh, shhh, shh, shhh."
Silence finally fell across the small hospital room and I swore I heard Joey let out a sigh of relief. I continued rocking the baby back and forth when the nurse, Kim, entered.
"Hi Joey," she said in a chirpy voice. "Oh, you feeling some pain?" she asked noticing Joey's fetal positioning and then glancing at me with a reassuring smile. "Let me go get you some Tylenol. I'll be right back."
Kim returned quickly and I watched as she helped Joey sit up in bed and handed her a paper cup full of water to help her swallow the pills. Kim smoothed Joey's hair down for her and gently felt her forehead for a fever.
"You feel up to eating, honey?" Kim asked Joey. "Dinner's coming soon."
Joey only shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself. I yearned to hand the baby to the nurse and put my own arms around Joey but I knew my responsibilities now and I gathered that Joey didn't want me near her right then anyway.
"Okay, well why don't we try feeding the baby again. It's been two hours since the last feeding," Kim said glancing at her watch, "and he'll be getting fussy again any minute."
I saw a look of sheer terror in Joey's eyes at the mention of feeding the baby. I wanted to ask her if she was okay again but I didn't. Kim motioned to me that I should pass the baby over to Joey. I shuffled over to the bedside as Joey slowly and apprehensively put her arms out to receive Ryan. I smiled and searched her face for eye contact but got none. I swore Joey was on the verge of tears as she took the baby in her arms.
An hour later I sat outside Joey's room in a comfortable armchair. The baby had been returned to the nursery for a couple of hours so that Joey could sleep. Kim encouraged me to sleep too but I couldn't clear my head long enough to fall asleep. Joey's behavior was scaring me. I knew it had to be her hormones-post-partum depression-the doctors told us all about it before she gave birth. I knew I wasn't supposed to take it personally, but I did.
I started down the hall for the pay phone again. I punched in my calling card number and dialed the familiar phone number.
"Hello?" my sister's voice came through the phone and I thought I might cry at the sound of it.
"Gretch, it's me Pacey."
"Little brother," she said happily. "Or should I say, new Dad? How's it going?"
"Joey's freaking out, I think, and it's making me freak out and I just needed to talk to someone who's got some experience with this..." my voice trailed off.
"Oh," Gretchen said sounding surprised. "You do know you're supposed to be happy?"
"I am. I'm just worried about Joey."
"She'll be fine. She's just nervous and in a lot of pain. There are a whole lot of emotions involved in having a baby. Especially your first one. She's just gotta figure some stuff out and then she'll be fine."
I let out a deep breath. "I'm not used to us figuring things out separately."
"Well, get used to it," Gretchen said in her forceful tone of voice that I knew so well. "Believe it or not, Pace, this is not about you. It's hard for her in a way you won't ever understand unless you physically have a baby."
"Okay, okay. So is there anything that I can do?"
"Exactly what she tells you to do. If she says leave her alone, then leave her alone."
"So, were you this hard on Dawson?"
"I'm sure he'd tell you I was," she chuckled. "We all are, though," she said seriously, "it's a confusing time in a woman's life."
"I'm taking your word on this, that Joey is going to be okay," I told her.
"She will be." She paused for a second before continuing. "So, he's beautiful, isn't he?"
I smiled. "He's unbelievable. I still don't really believe that he's real."
"I can't wait to see him. I'm looking forward to this little reunion you crazy kids are planning," she said sarcastically referring, the way she always did, to the fact that she was a few years older than the rest of our group.
"I called Mom and Dad," I told her. The connection was quiet as Gretchen registered what I said. "Joey really wanted me to. She says, we have so little family that it's important for Ryan to know them," I continued.
"I think that's great," she said, a hint of nostalgia in her voice. "And, I'm proud of you for doing that."
"It wasn't so bad, actually. I mean, they sounded happy and excited. And you should've heard Mom when I asked her to come and see us. She was crying."
"Well, despite their constantly idiotic behavior, you know they always loved you. You're their son and I think you're going to learn really quickly what that means and how important it is."
I smiled at my sister's words. "Well, I should probably get back," I told her.
"I'm glad you called, Pace. And don't worry, everything will be okay. I promise you."
"Thanks, Gretchen."
I hung up the phone and headed back down the hall for Joey's room. I pushed the door open slowly and peeked inside. Joey was awake and I could tell from the look in her eyes that she was in her thinking mode.
"Hey," I whispered to her.
She turned and greeted me with a smile then motioned with her hand for me to come inside. I was secretly happy to have a moment alone with her and went quickly to her. She moved a little to make room for me and I joined her on the bed putting my arm around her. She nestled her head on my chest.
"Are you okay?" I asked patting her lightly on the shoulder. I tried to control my voice so I didn't sound too serious or too concerned but I knew she wouldn't buy it.
"I'll be okay," she said softly. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. This is just really overwhelming."
"Well, you're not in this alone, Jo."
"I know," she said tightening her grip around me. "You wanna take over some of the breast feeding shifts then," she joked.
"It's horrible?" I asked her.
"Just hurts," she sighed.
"You don't have to breast feed."
"I know but I want to. Everything I read said it was the best way for a mother and child to bond. And it's healthier for him. I just need to get used to it. That's all."
"I love you," I told her as I rested my cheek on top of her head.
"Can you do something for me?" she asked in a teary voice.
"Anything."
"Call Bessie. Tell her to come now."
"Okay," I said. I felt the tension leave her body as I agreed to her request and it made me never want to leave her side. I understood, in that moment, that Joey needed her "mother" now more than ever.
"Tell her just her for today. She can bring Alex and Sammy tomorrow."
"Okay."
"I love you too," she said letting go of me and reaching up to kiss me.
Afterwards I settled into hugging her. It was one of my favorite things, to hug her. It made me feel safe and loved and like nothing else in the world mattered. I felt as though I needed to say something to her in this moment, something that would make her less afraid and more confident. But nothing seemed right or appropriate.
"You give the best hugs," I finally told her.
She laughed and turned her head to kiss me on the neck.
"We're going to be fine, you know," I said more seriously. "We've always been good at doing the hard things together."
"You're right," she said pulling away from me. "I know you're right."