Part Four: Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations
As he sat in his private dining area, Jon Archer tried to ignore the headache that was pounding in his head. He knew he could go to Phlox, but that would mean talking to the doctor about the events of last night. No way in hell was he going to talk about it. He did not want to deal with Phlox psychoanalyzing him, his reactions, or any of it. Christ, he didn't want to think about it.
He couldn't help but think about it. Trip, Hoshi, and Malcolm. Lovers. Why was he the last know? Or had he known sub-consciously and buried the realization deep, out of sight? They were together, they were having sex with each other. The three of them. He couldn't wrap his head around the concept.
After the ignominious end to the Enterprise/Helios mixer, Jon had gone back to Susan's quarters and had made love to her for the second time that night. No, he corrected himself, he fucked her hard, trying not to dwell on what Captain Tawia said to him.
"They are a strong triad. How long have they been together?" she asked.
"Triad? Together? You mean lovers?" Jon hoped he wasn't looking like a total idiot as he stared at her.
"Their body language suggests that they are. And I overheard some of your people speculating about them earlier tonight, some in particular. You didn't realize, did you?"
Jon felt foolish as he said,"No, I didn't."
Tawia nodded understandingly. "Very often, we fail to see what is right under our noses, don't we? As I did, when I thought that I had Reynolds under control."
The rest of the conversation had been about Reynolds and then they said goodnight.
In the morning, before he left the Helios, he and Susan had sex again. He took her hard in the shower, trying desperately not to think. It occurred to him that he was feeling... betrayed by his friends, by his senior officers. Feeling Susan moaning against him helped to squelch that train of thought.
The door to the room opened and T'Pol walked in, her face set in its usual Vulcan mask, but her eyes looked, shadowed, almost concerned. A brief thought flickered in his head that maybe she was concerned for him.
"Good morning, Captain."
"Good morning, Sub-commander."
There was a long pause as T'Pol sat down. A crewman came in and set down breakfast for them both. Jon nodded a quick thank you as the man left. He then stared at his food.
T'Pol took a deep, audible breath, which startled Jon out of his reverie. "Captain, I do not know how to broach this subject with you in any other way but directly. I know what transpired last night on the Helios."
"Yes, well, Captain Tawia has her former third in command firmly locked up..."
"No, you misunderstand me, Captain. I know that you found out about Commander Tucker, Lieutenant Reed and Ensign Sato and their relationship." T'Pol looked at him unblinkingly.
"How the goddamn hell did you know when I had no clue!" Jon exploded. He felt doubly foolish and even more betrayed.
"I will answer your question, Captain, when you control your anger," replied T'Pol calmly.
Jon forced himself to take several long, deep breaths. "My anger is under control. Now, would you please explain?"
"Certainly. I observe human behavior very closely, mainly due to your order for me to learn to fraternize more with the crew."
Jon felt incredulous. "That was well over a year ago."
T'Pol raised an eyebrow. "True, but you never countermanded the order. I have spent much time watching, listening, and talking to the crew. I have also had many detailed conversations with Doctor Phlox about human interactions. "
"He's rubbing off on you, you're practically verbose today." Jon was amazed that he could begin to find this amusing.
"I am not through explaining. Eight months ago, when we had the Jentiram on board, I began to notice that Commander Tucker, Ensign Sato, and Lieutenant Reed were losing sleep, yet more tolerant of each other. They also...smelled of one another."
She paused and Jon swore a glimmer of amusement flashed across her eyes.
"Then one evening, Lieutenant Reed presented me with an engineering project, number 8321A for approval. It was designed by Commander Tucker and it was for a very large bed. I approved it for the Jentiram refugees, even though I knew that Commander Tucker designed it for himself and his companions."
Jon gave a bark of laughter, despite his warring emotions. "How did you know it wasn't originally meant for the Jentiram?"
"If it had been, then Commander Tucker himself would have presented the project to me and not Lieutenant Reed."
"Oh. So your telling me that you've known for eight months and never said anything to me? I have to deal with, process this, you know. Their relationship breaks every reg in the book, and god knows how the rest of the crew will react." Jon felt his betrayal, his frustration, and his anger begin to rise again.
"Captain... Jonathan..." said T'Pol in the gentlest voice he'd ever heard her use, "you are correct, you do need to process this. Not for Starfleet, not for the crew, but for yourself."
Jon slumped back in his chair in shock at her words.
"Commander Tucker is your oldest friend on this ship. Ensign Sato is a good friend of yours, and you view her in many ways as a younger sibling. Lieutenant Reed is someone you have worked very hard to establish a trusting bond with. It is logical for you to be...to be hurt by their silence about their relationship."
"You have no idea what you're talking about. You have no idea about how I feel, who I am, or about my friendships with Trip, Hoshi and Malcolm," Jon seethed.
"Captain, as a Vulcan, I do not experience the emotions humans feel, but I have learned a great deal through my...my friendship with you. I have come to know you. I have come to trust you. I was under the impression that you had come to trust me. I see that I have may have been...premature in drawing that conclusion." T'Pol began to calmly eat her breakfast.
Jon buried his face in his hands, staring between them at his food. She was right. Damn it all, he hated it when she was right. She'd come a long way in understanding humans and understanding him. How was it that this unemotional Vulcan woman pushed him to look at the parts of himself he'd rather not contemplate?
Minutes dragged by and Jon dragged himself kicking and screaming towards the truth. He was hurt. He was angry. Why was it that Trip didn't trust him enough to tell him about the change in his life? His best friend was sleeping with, no, having a relationship, with two other people he also considered friends. He was so pissed off that Trip seemingly didn't have enough faith in their friendship that he'd be understanding, hell, even happy for him. In his book, friends shared the good, the bad, and ugly in their lives. And that Trip didn't even try to tell him, it made him feel deeply disappointed.
Jon took a deep breath, letting himself look deeper. He was jealous of them. Good God, he was jealous of them. He was envious of their ability to let themselves love. It was a slap in the face, reminding him that deep down inside, he was lonely. Being the Captain meant that he'd have to grab comfort from strangers where he could and he could never cross the line romantically, let alone sexually, with anyone on his ship. He was always alone. But all of that, he further mused, came with being the Captain. Being alone, that he could live with, not being trusted was what he couldn't take.
Another thought barreled its way across his mind: no, that wasn't true, he had T'Pol. He had her support, her trust, her cool Vulcan logic that challenged him to be a better Captain, a better person. And if he let himself look at the whole thing logically, he still had Trip's, Hoshi's and Malcolm's friendship as well. Still, he was pissed off, and deeply hurt. Suddenly, Jon remembered the quote, from the book she had given him so long ago. Was that what she was leading up to before he'd let his anger strike out at her?
He looked up T'Pol and said quietly, " I apologize for what I said. I do trust you and I am honored that you trust me...that you consider me to be your friend. I remember reading in the book you gave me about Surak, I remember a quote about diversity."
T'Pol put down her fork. She held Jon's eyes as she said, "Infinite diversity in infinite combinations. Surak taught us that it exists in many ways, in many situations. That there is an inherent logic in diversity and its combinations. The task for us is to find that logic and accept what it created."
"So you're telling me that I should view Trip, Hoshi and Malcolm's relationship as an extension of that concept." Jon held her gaze and hoped that she could see in his eyes the dawning of his understanding.
"Yes, that would be the most logical thing to do, for yourself and for them."
"That part, I can do. It's the lack of trust in our friendship that I'm angry about. It's going to take a lot of work for me to get over my emotions about the whole thing. I can't just go on as if everything is the same. Everything has changed."
"Captain, you once told me that you believed that working hard towards a goal makes it more precious once you reach it. I believe that sentiment applies to friendships as well."
"That's very true, it's especially true when you apply it to friendships. You've given me a lot to think about."
Jon then reached out and gently held her hand. "Thank you."
T'Pol's eyes were wide and wise as she replied, "You are welcome."
Jon stood up. "I'm going to go to my ready room to think. I'll see you on the bridge."
He left, still not entirely knowing what he was going to say to his friends or how he would deal with the entire situation. The only thing he did know was that he was going to do his best not to make a decision that he would later regret.
***
Trip got out of the shower, trying to suppress his rising anxiety. Each step he took towards going back on duty seemed like a step towards disaster. So far, Jon had not paged them to meet him. Jon had not done anything. Trip wondered if his friend was waiting for him to bring up what happened last night. For the first time in all the years he'd been friends with Jon, Trip had no clue what to say or do.
Trip woke up first this morning. Usually, he was the last of the three to wake up. Malcolm would be first, and he would wake Hoshi with kisses down her back or down her stomach. Then, if the sound of Hoshi moaning didn't wake him, Malcolm and Hoshi would kiss Trip awake, leaving a trail down his chest and thighs. Today, Trip had simply woken up on his own, his mind a whirl with worry.
He'd lain there on the big bed, with part of his mind very pleased with the results of his engineering project. It had held up very well to the sexual gymnastics the three of them performed last night. That it was also comfortable to boot was another plus. As he thought about what was next, the fear began to rise up in waves. He eased himself gently out of the bed and went into the shower, hoping the heat of the water would calm him.
As he toweled off, Malcolm came into the bathroom. His blue eyes were shadowed, but he smiled at Trip and kissed him. Trip returned his lover's kiss, not surprised that Malcolm was now awake.
Malcolm pulled back from their kiss and said quietly, "I know I'm usually the gloomy, pessimistic one, but no matter what happens, we'll cope and get through this."
"Yeah, well, we might get through this with our careers somewhat intact, but I'm not sure my friendship with Jon will. He's been my best friend for so long now, I've stopped counting the years. We've gone through so much shit together and now I'm... I'm really scared." Trip stopped, not knowing what to say anymore.
Malcolm pulled Trip into a hug and they stood there quietly. Trip closed his eyes, trying to calm himself. He felt another set of arms embrace him and Hoshi's voice was in his ear saying, "I'm scared and worried too. But Malcolm's right, we'll get through this."
After several long minutes, Trip broke away from Malcolm and Hoshi. He gave them both a quick kiss. "Look, I'm going to go back to my quarters, dress and just go on duty. That is if Jon hasn't left a message for me to report to the bridge. "
Hoshi rubbed Trip's back. "He hasn't left one here, nor has he called us yet. If hasn't by the time we all go on duty, then it will probably mean that he's going to talk to us off the record."
"She's right, Trip," said Malcolm and he patted Trip on the shoulder.
"Yeah, I know, I know. Look, you two need to shower and I've got to get into uniform. I can't believe I forgot to bring a clean one over here once again. I'll see ya'll later." With that Trip walked out of the bathroom and started to shrug into his clothes from last night.
As he walked back to his quarters, Trip struggled to put up the cheerful face he normally wore. Once inside his room, he checked to see if there were any messages on his computer. Nothing. Dressing quickly in a fresh uniform, Trip made his way to engineering. By the time he entered, Trip securely fixed into place "Commander Tucker", chief engineer, and pushed all of his fears aside. It was time to do his job.
For Trip the rest of the day flew by as he buried himself in his work. After he conferred with Lieutenant Commander Tallchief about the status of a final repair, the Helios was detached from the Enterprise and was on its way. Then he dealt with the usual checks to the warp core and did his daily status meeting with his staff. Finally, he started to plow through the seemingly never-ending stack of reports he either had to review, approve or finish writing himself.
Trip knew that many of his people were giving him looks of either concern or curiosity. He ignored them, determined to be pleasant and on an even keel. When it came time to him to go up to the bridge, he sent Hess in his place, telling her that he needed his staff to have more bridge experience. The look she gave him told him that she wasn't fooled, that something was wrong. He was relieved that she didn't try to say anything but a simple, "Yes, Commander."
His staff must have figured out that he was hiding, because they brought him lunch, kept him supplied with coffee, and generally stayed out of his way. Padds were quietly brought to him, requests for him to go over and look at repairs that were finished or fine tuned were almost, but not quite, whispered. Despite his anxiety, Trip was pleased that they had decided to give him some space. At least, he could feel proud at how well his staff worked together and with him.
As the end of his shift drew near, he still had not gotten the expected page to go up to the bridge. Trip felt his nerves become more stretched and taut, and he let himself wonder for the first time all day how Hoshi and Malcolm were doing. Did Malcolm hide in the Armory? Or did he go onto the bridge to be with Hoshi? Did Hoshi bury herself in the new upgrades to the UT? He felt guilty that he hadn't checked on them. The waiting was getting to him, and he became determined to go talk to Jon once he was off duty. He could not let this silence go on. He was tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
"Archer to Tucker."
Trip startled, nearly dropping his Padd. He forced himself to answer nonchalantly.
"Tucker here, Cap'n."
"Commander Tucker, please report to my ready room, now." Inwardly, Trip blanched. There was no emotion in Jon's voice.
"Aye, Cap'n." Trip looked around and saw that the curious looks were now more pronounced. He motioned over to Ensign Tran, and handed her his Padd saying, "Tran, this is fine, go ahead and finish this up. Give it to Lieutenant Williams when he comes on duty. I'll be on the bridge." He strode out of the room, trying to get his body language to be relaxed.
The journey to the bridge was the longest it had ever been.
When he entered the bridge, he noticed that Hoshi and Malcolm were not there. Travis gave him a sympathetic smile and a small thumbs up. Trip wasn't surprised. Travis had his pulse on all the gossip aboard ship and wasn't stupid. He knew something was going down. T'Pol looked at him with her usual stoic Vulcan expression. "They are waiting for you, Commander."
"Thank you, Sub-commander, I figured that." Trip couldn't help but sound sarcastic. She always seemed to bring that out in him.
He turned, took a deep breath, and went in.
Jon was sitting at his desk, his face hard. Malcolm was standing in perfect parade rest and Hoshi was standing with perfect posture, her eyes not leaving Jon's face. Trip drew himself up stiffly and said, "Commander Tucker reporting as ordered, sir."
Jon stood up slowly, the expression on his face closed. "I have only this to say for now. Technically, the relationship the three of you have formed violates Starfleet regulations about fraternization between officers. However, I have been given a great deal of leeway as to how I enforce those regulations, as they are currently being revised. When I have become aware of relationships among my crew, I usually turn a blind eye, unless the situation becomes more...public. "
Jon stopped and looked at them one at a time, with Trip being last. For the first time, in a long time, Trip found that his friend's eyes were unreadable.
After a long moment, Jon continued. "In those cases, I've told them what I'm about to tell the three of you; as long as your relationship does not affect your professional dealings with each other, I will continue to turn a blind eye. If you cannot conduct yourselves properly while on duty, I'll have all of you up on charges and thrown off my ship. Do I make myself clear?"
Trip looked at Malcolm and Hoshi and all three replied together with a clear. "Yes sir!"
Jon's expression didn't change as he continued. "Good. Dismissed." He sat back down behind his desk and picked up a Padd.
Trip exchanged a quick look with his lovers and remained while they left quietly.
Jon looked up, his face as expressionless as T'Pol's. "Commander, you've been dismissed."
Trip took a small step forward. "Cap'n...Jon, we need to talk. I owe you..."
He was cut off by Jon, who said softly. "You don't owe me an explanation about your relationship with Hoshi and Malcolm. You owe me an explanation as to why you didn't trust me. You owe me an explanation as to why you call me your best friend and then don't clue me into how your life has changed. Jesus, Trip, did you think I'd be some narrow-minded bastard?"
Trip felt his stomach twist, dread and guilt racing through his entire body. "Jon, it wasn't like that. I trust you with my life."
Jon's eyes were the coldest Trip had ever seen as he continued to speak in a quiet, disappointed tone. "If you trust me with your life, why couldn't you tell me about Hoshi and Malcolm? And don't tell me it was because I'm the captain. That's bullshit, and you know that."
Jon leaned forward in his chair and continued. "I took a lot of flack having you as my chief engineer because everyone knew we'd been best friends for years. I was told I should have more distance between myself and my crew. But I don't operate that way, I need for my officers and crew to feel that we have a bond of trust. And as my best friend, I couldn't imagine not having you here. And you knew that. Tell me why couldn't you have faith in our friendship?"
Trip hung his head and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath to steady himself and when he looked up, he was shocked to see that Jon was the closest to tears that he'd ever seen in years. The first and only time he'd seen Jon cry was at Henry Archer's funeral.
"I'm sorry Jon. All I can tell you is that I was afraid. I was afraid because I never expected myself to be involved in this way." Trip paused and started to pace the room. Anxiety was raging inside him and he needed to move.
"Hell, all my relationships have been with just women, until now. I just couldn't picture me sayn' as we watch waterpolo or over dinner saying, 'Hey Jon--Hoshi, Malcolm and I, well we're now a group, a triad and sleepn' together.' I'm not ashamed of them, and I know they're not ashamed of being with me. I just couldn't figure out how to tell you that I love them."
Trip watched as Jon leaned over slowly and put his face in his hands. Trip went closer to the desk and tentatively put his hand on Jon's shoulder. He winced as Jon flinched and looked up, his face once more closed. Trip let his arm drop once more to his side.
"Look, Cap'n, I didn't mean to hurt you. I trust you, you're my best friend and I screwed up. I'm sorry, Jon. "
Jon looked at his desk and then at Trip directly. "I'm pissed off at you because you didn't even try to say anything. Friends trust each other. I love you like the brother I never had and you let me down by not trusting me. Sorry is a start, but it's not enough right now. Just give me time, Trip. Now, I really don't want to talk about this anymore today. Please just leave."
Trip nodded, feeling a heartache he'd never experienced before. As he opened the door, he turned and asked, "Do you want me to stop having dinner with you?"
Jon nodded affirmatively, replying quietly, "Yeah, Trip. At least for the rest of this week, maybe next week too. When I'm ready to talk some more, I'll let you know."
That night, on the big bed, surrounded by Hoshi and Malcolm, Trip Tucker cried for the first time since his own father had died.
As he sat in his private dining area, Jon Archer tried to ignore the headache that was pounding in his head. He knew he could go to Phlox, but that would mean talking to the doctor about the events of last night. No way in hell was he going to talk about it. He did not want to deal with Phlox psychoanalyzing him, his reactions, or any of it. Christ, he didn't want to think about it.
He couldn't help but think about it. Trip, Hoshi, and Malcolm. Lovers. Why was he the last know? Or had he known sub-consciously and buried the realization deep, out of sight? They were together, they were having sex with each other. The three of them. He couldn't wrap his head around the concept.
After the ignominious end to the Enterprise/Helios mixer, Jon had gone back to Susan's quarters and had made love to her for the second time that night. No, he corrected himself, he fucked her hard, trying not to dwell on what Captain Tawia said to him.
"They are a strong triad. How long have they been together?" she asked.
"Triad? Together? You mean lovers?" Jon hoped he wasn't looking like a total idiot as he stared at her.
"Their body language suggests that they are. And I overheard some of your people speculating about them earlier tonight, some in particular. You didn't realize, did you?"
Jon felt foolish as he said,"No, I didn't."
Tawia nodded understandingly. "Very often, we fail to see what is right under our noses, don't we? As I did, when I thought that I had Reynolds under control."
The rest of the conversation had been about Reynolds and then they said goodnight.
In the morning, before he left the Helios, he and Susan had sex again. He took her hard in the shower, trying desperately not to think. It occurred to him that he was feeling... betrayed by his friends, by his senior officers. Feeling Susan moaning against him helped to squelch that train of thought.
The door to the room opened and T'Pol walked in, her face set in its usual Vulcan mask, but her eyes looked, shadowed, almost concerned. A brief thought flickered in his head that maybe she was concerned for him.
"Good morning, Captain."
"Good morning, Sub-commander."
There was a long pause as T'Pol sat down. A crewman came in and set down breakfast for them both. Jon nodded a quick thank you as the man left. He then stared at his food.
T'Pol took a deep, audible breath, which startled Jon out of his reverie. "Captain, I do not know how to broach this subject with you in any other way but directly. I know what transpired last night on the Helios."
"Yes, well, Captain Tawia has her former third in command firmly locked up..."
"No, you misunderstand me, Captain. I know that you found out about Commander Tucker, Lieutenant Reed and Ensign Sato and their relationship." T'Pol looked at him unblinkingly.
"How the goddamn hell did you know when I had no clue!" Jon exploded. He felt doubly foolish and even more betrayed.
"I will answer your question, Captain, when you control your anger," replied T'Pol calmly.
Jon forced himself to take several long, deep breaths. "My anger is under control. Now, would you please explain?"
"Certainly. I observe human behavior very closely, mainly due to your order for me to learn to fraternize more with the crew."
Jon felt incredulous. "That was well over a year ago."
T'Pol raised an eyebrow. "True, but you never countermanded the order. I have spent much time watching, listening, and talking to the crew. I have also had many detailed conversations with Doctor Phlox about human interactions. "
"He's rubbing off on you, you're practically verbose today." Jon was amazed that he could begin to find this amusing.
"I am not through explaining. Eight months ago, when we had the Jentiram on board, I began to notice that Commander Tucker, Ensign Sato, and Lieutenant Reed were losing sleep, yet more tolerant of each other. They also...smelled of one another."
She paused and Jon swore a glimmer of amusement flashed across her eyes.
"Then one evening, Lieutenant Reed presented me with an engineering project, number 8321A for approval. It was designed by Commander Tucker and it was for a very large bed. I approved it for the Jentiram refugees, even though I knew that Commander Tucker designed it for himself and his companions."
Jon gave a bark of laughter, despite his warring emotions. "How did you know it wasn't originally meant for the Jentiram?"
"If it had been, then Commander Tucker himself would have presented the project to me and not Lieutenant Reed."
"Oh. So your telling me that you've known for eight months and never said anything to me? I have to deal with, process this, you know. Their relationship breaks every reg in the book, and god knows how the rest of the crew will react." Jon felt his betrayal, his frustration, and his anger begin to rise again.
"Captain... Jonathan..." said T'Pol in the gentlest voice he'd ever heard her use, "you are correct, you do need to process this. Not for Starfleet, not for the crew, but for yourself."
Jon slumped back in his chair in shock at her words.
"Commander Tucker is your oldest friend on this ship. Ensign Sato is a good friend of yours, and you view her in many ways as a younger sibling. Lieutenant Reed is someone you have worked very hard to establish a trusting bond with. It is logical for you to be...to be hurt by their silence about their relationship."
"You have no idea what you're talking about. You have no idea about how I feel, who I am, or about my friendships with Trip, Hoshi and Malcolm," Jon seethed.
"Captain, as a Vulcan, I do not experience the emotions humans feel, but I have learned a great deal through my...my friendship with you. I have come to know you. I have come to trust you. I was under the impression that you had come to trust me. I see that I have may have been...premature in drawing that conclusion." T'Pol began to calmly eat her breakfast.
Jon buried his face in his hands, staring between them at his food. She was right. Damn it all, he hated it when she was right. She'd come a long way in understanding humans and understanding him. How was it that this unemotional Vulcan woman pushed him to look at the parts of himself he'd rather not contemplate?
Minutes dragged by and Jon dragged himself kicking and screaming towards the truth. He was hurt. He was angry. Why was it that Trip didn't trust him enough to tell him about the change in his life? His best friend was sleeping with, no, having a relationship, with two other people he also considered friends. He was so pissed off that Trip seemingly didn't have enough faith in their friendship that he'd be understanding, hell, even happy for him. In his book, friends shared the good, the bad, and ugly in their lives. And that Trip didn't even try to tell him, it made him feel deeply disappointed.
Jon took a deep breath, letting himself look deeper. He was jealous of them. Good God, he was jealous of them. He was envious of their ability to let themselves love. It was a slap in the face, reminding him that deep down inside, he was lonely. Being the Captain meant that he'd have to grab comfort from strangers where he could and he could never cross the line romantically, let alone sexually, with anyone on his ship. He was always alone. But all of that, he further mused, came with being the Captain. Being alone, that he could live with, not being trusted was what he couldn't take.
Another thought barreled its way across his mind: no, that wasn't true, he had T'Pol. He had her support, her trust, her cool Vulcan logic that challenged him to be a better Captain, a better person. And if he let himself look at the whole thing logically, he still had Trip's, Hoshi's and Malcolm's friendship as well. Still, he was pissed off, and deeply hurt. Suddenly, Jon remembered the quote, from the book she had given him so long ago. Was that what she was leading up to before he'd let his anger strike out at her?
He looked up T'Pol and said quietly, " I apologize for what I said. I do trust you and I am honored that you trust me...that you consider me to be your friend. I remember reading in the book you gave me about Surak, I remember a quote about diversity."
T'Pol put down her fork. She held Jon's eyes as she said, "Infinite diversity in infinite combinations. Surak taught us that it exists in many ways, in many situations. That there is an inherent logic in diversity and its combinations. The task for us is to find that logic and accept what it created."
"So you're telling me that I should view Trip, Hoshi and Malcolm's relationship as an extension of that concept." Jon held her gaze and hoped that she could see in his eyes the dawning of his understanding.
"Yes, that would be the most logical thing to do, for yourself and for them."
"That part, I can do. It's the lack of trust in our friendship that I'm angry about. It's going to take a lot of work for me to get over my emotions about the whole thing. I can't just go on as if everything is the same. Everything has changed."
"Captain, you once told me that you believed that working hard towards a goal makes it more precious once you reach it. I believe that sentiment applies to friendships as well."
"That's very true, it's especially true when you apply it to friendships. You've given me a lot to think about."
Jon then reached out and gently held her hand. "Thank you."
T'Pol's eyes were wide and wise as she replied, "You are welcome."
Jon stood up. "I'm going to go to my ready room to think. I'll see you on the bridge."
He left, still not entirely knowing what he was going to say to his friends or how he would deal with the entire situation. The only thing he did know was that he was going to do his best not to make a decision that he would later regret.
***
Trip got out of the shower, trying to suppress his rising anxiety. Each step he took towards going back on duty seemed like a step towards disaster. So far, Jon had not paged them to meet him. Jon had not done anything. Trip wondered if his friend was waiting for him to bring up what happened last night. For the first time in all the years he'd been friends with Jon, Trip had no clue what to say or do.
Trip woke up first this morning. Usually, he was the last of the three to wake up. Malcolm would be first, and he would wake Hoshi with kisses down her back or down her stomach. Then, if the sound of Hoshi moaning didn't wake him, Malcolm and Hoshi would kiss Trip awake, leaving a trail down his chest and thighs. Today, Trip had simply woken up on his own, his mind a whirl with worry.
He'd lain there on the big bed, with part of his mind very pleased with the results of his engineering project. It had held up very well to the sexual gymnastics the three of them performed last night. That it was also comfortable to boot was another plus. As he thought about what was next, the fear began to rise up in waves. He eased himself gently out of the bed and went into the shower, hoping the heat of the water would calm him.
As he toweled off, Malcolm came into the bathroom. His blue eyes were shadowed, but he smiled at Trip and kissed him. Trip returned his lover's kiss, not surprised that Malcolm was now awake.
Malcolm pulled back from their kiss and said quietly, "I know I'm usually the gloomy, pessimistic one, but no matter what happens, we'll cope and get through this."
"Yeah, well, we might get through this with our careers somewhat intact, but I'm not sure my friendship with Jon will. He's been my best friend for so long now, I've stopped counting the years. We've gone through so much shit together and now I'm... I'm really scared." Trip stopped, not knowing what to say anymore.
Malcolm pulled Trip into a hug and they stood there quietly. Trip closed his eyes, trying to calm himself. He felt another set of arms embrace him and Hoshi's voice was in his ear saying, "I'm scared and worried too. But Malcolm's right, we'll get through this."
After several long minutes, Trip broke away from Malcolm and Hoshi. He gave them both a quick kiss. "Look, I'm going to go back to my quarters, dress and just go on duty. That is if Jon hasn't left a message for me to report to the bridge. "
Hoshi rubbed Trip's back. "He hasn't left one here, nor has he called us yet. If hasn't by the time we all go on duty, then it will probably mean that he's going to talk to us off the record."
"She's right, Trip," said Malcolm and he patted Trip on the shoulder.
"Yeah, I know, I know. Look, you two need to shower and I've got to get into uniform. I can't believe I forgot to bring a clean one over here once again. I'll see ya'll later." With that Trip walked out of the bathroom and started to shrug into his clothes from last night.
As he walked back to his quarters, Trip struggled to put up the cheerful face he normally wore. Once inside his room, he checked to see if there were any messages on his computer. Nothing. Dressing quickly in a fresh uniform, Trip made his way to engineering. By the time he entered, Trip securely fixed into place "Commander Tucker", chief engineer, and pushed all of his fears aside. It was time to do his job.
For Trip the rest of the day flew by as he buried himself in his work. After he conferred with Lieutenant Commander Tallchief about the status of a final repair, the Helios was detached from the Enterprise and was on its way. Then he dealt with the usual checks to the warp core and did his daily status meeting with his staff. Finally, he started to plow through the seemingly never-ending stack of reports he either had to review, approve or finish writing himself.
Trip knew that many of his people were giving him looks of either concern or curiosity. He ignored them, determined to be pleasant and on an even keel. When it came time to him to go up to the bridge, he sent Hess in his place, telling her that he needed his staff to have more bridge experience. The look she gave him told him that she wasn't fooled, that something was wrong. He was relieved that she didn't try to say anything but a simple, "Yes, Commander."
His staff must have figured out that he was hiding, because they brought him lunch, kept him supplied with coffee, and generally stayed out of his way. Padds were quietly brought to him, requests for him to go over and look at repairs that were finished or fine tuned were almost, but not quite, whispered. Despite his anxiety, Trip was pleased that they had decided to give him some space. At least, he could feel proud at how well his staff worked together and with him.
As the end of his shift drew near, he still had not gotten the expected page to go up to the bridge. Trip felt his nerves become more stretched and taut, and he let himself wonder for the first time all day how Hoshi and Malcolm were doing. Did Malcolm hide in the Armory? Or did he go onto the bridge to be with Hoshi? Did Hoshi bury herself in the new upgrades to the UT? He felt guilty that he hadn't checked on them. The waiting was getting to him, and he became determined to go talk to Jon once he was off duty. He could not let this silence go on. He was tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
"Archer to Tucker."
Trip startled, nearly dropping his Padd. He forced himself to answer nonchalantly.
"Tucker here, Cap'n."
"Commander Tucker, please report to my ready room, now." Inwardly, Trip blanched. There was no emotion in Jon's voice.
"Aye, Cap'n." Trip looked around and saw that the curious looks were now more pronounced. He motioned over to Ensign Tran, and handed her his Padd saying, "Tran, this is fine, go ahead and finish this up. Give it to Lieutenant Williams when he comes on duty. I'll be on the bridge." He strode out of the room, trying to get his body language to be relaxed.
The journey to the bridge was the longest it had ever been.
When he entered the bridge, he noticed that Hoshi and Malcolm were not there. Travis gave him a sympathetic smile and a small thumbs up. Trip wasn't surprised. Travis had his pulse on all the gossip aboard ship and wasn't stupid. He knew something was going down. T'Pol looked at him with her usual stoic Vulcan expression. "They are waiting for you, Commander."
"Thank you, Sub-commander, I figured that." Trip couldn't help but sound sarcastic. She always seemed to bring that out in him.
He turned, took a deep breath, and went in.
Jon was sitting at his desk, his face hard. Malcolm was standing in perfect parade rest and Hoshi was standing with perfect posture, her eyes not leaving Jon's face. Trip drew himself up stiffly and said, "Commander Tucker reporting as ordered, sir."
Jon stood up slowly, the expression on his face closed. "I have only this to say for now. Technically, the relationship the three of you have formed violates Starfleet regulations about fraternization between officers. However, I have been given a great deal of leeway as to how I enforce those regulations, as they are currently being revised. When I have become aware of relationships among my crew, I usually turn a blind eye, unless the situation becomes more...public. "
Jon stopped and looked at them one at a time, with Trip being last. For the first time, in a long time, Trip found that his friend's eyes were unreadable.
After a long moment, Jon continued. "In those cases, I've told them what I'm about to tell the three of you; as long as your relationship does not affect your professional dealings with each other, I will continue to turn a blind eye. If you cannot conduct yourselves properly while on duty, I'll have all of you up on charges and thrown off my ship. Do I make myself clear?"
Trip looked at Malcolm and Hoshi and all three replied together with a clear. "Yes sir!"
Jon's expression didn't change as he continued. "Good. Dismissed." He sat back down behind his desk and picked up a Padd.
Trip exchanged a quick look with his lovers and remained while they left quietly.
Jon looked up, his face as expressionless as T'Pol's. "Commander, you've been dismissed."
Trip took a small step forward. "Cap'n...Jon, we need to talk. I owe you..."
He was cut off by Jon, who said softly. "You don't owe me an explanation about your relationship with Hoshi and Malcolm. You owe me an explanation as to why you didn't trust me. You owe me an explanation as to why you call me your best friend and then don't clue me into how your life has changed. Jesus, Trip, did you think I'd be some narrow-minded bastard?"
Trip felt his stomach twist, dread and guilt racing through his entire body. "Jon, it wasn't like that. I trust you with my life."
Jon's eyes were the coldest Trip had ever seen as he continued to speak in a quiet, disappointed tone. "If you trust me with your life, why couldn't you tell me about Hoshi and Malcolm? And don't tell me it was because I'm the captain. That's bullshit, and you know that."
Jon leaned forward in his chair and continued. "I took a lot of flack having you as my chief engineer because everyone knew we'd been best friends for years. I was told I should have more distance between myself and my crew. But I don't operate that way, I need for my officers and crew to feel that we have a bond of trust. And as my best friend, I couldn't imagine not having you here. And you knew that. Tell me why couldn't you have faith in our friendship?"
Trip hung his head and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath to steady himself and when he looked up, he was shocked to see that Jon was the closest to tears that he'd ever seen in years. The first and only time he'd seen Jon cry was at Henry Archer's funeral.
"I'm sorry Jon. All I can tell you is that I was afraid. I was afraid because I never expected myself to be involved in this way." Trip paused and started to pace the room. Anxiety was raging inside him and he needed to move.
"Hell, all my relationships have been with just women, until now. I just couldn't picture me sayn' as we watch waterpolo or over dinner saying, 'Hey Jon--Hoshi, Malcolm and I, well we're now a group, a triad and sleepn' together.' I'm not ashamed of them, and I know they're not ashamed of being with me. I just couldn't figure out how to tell you that I love them."
Trip watched as Jon leaned over slowly and put his face in his hands. Trip went closer to the desk and tentatively put his hand on Jon's shoulder. He winced as Jon flinched and looked up, his face once more closed. Trip let his arm drop once more to his side.
"Look, Cap'n, I didn't mean to hurt you. I trust you, you're my best friend and I screwed up. I'm sorry, Jon. "
Jon looked at his desk and then at Trip directly. "I'm pissed off at you because you didn't even try to say anything. Friends trust each other. I love you like the brother I never had and you let me down by not trusting me. Sorry is a start, but it's not enough right now. Just give me time, Trip. Now, I really don't want to talk about this anymore today. Please just leave."
Trip nodded, feeling a heartache he'd never experienced before. As he opened the door, he turned and asked, "Do you want me to stop having dinner with you?"
Jon nodded affirmatively, replying quietly, "Yeah, Trip. At least for the rest of this week, maybe next week too. When I'm ready to talk some more, I'll let you know."
That night, on the big bed, surrounded by Hoshi and Malcolm, Trip Tucker cried for the first time since his own father had died.