Stargate SG1- Mind's Eye
Season: Seven - During and immediately following Daniel's first mission after descending in "Fallen and "Homecoming".
Spoilers: References to episdoses "Serpent's Lair", "Need" and The Curse".
Author's Notes: I felt that Daniel's journey to remembering was one that was swept aside too casually. This was tugging at the back of my mind ever since.
**********
Daniel Jackson slowly trudged down the corridor of the SGC having just left Teal'c's quarters. Head down his eyes were watching his fingers lightly brush the photograph of her he held.
He felt more alone now than he had when he first woke up naked and confused on P4T-3G6. All in less than two hours, he had "found" Sha're only to lose her again. Excited to tell someone that he knew her name and who she was, Daniel had raced to Teal'c's room. The burly man had smiled when Daniel had told him the news. But when he had asked where she was the Jaffa's face grew somber.
He wondered what other dark memories would he remember before the pleasant ones surfaced. After all, there had to be pleasant ones, right? Sure, he reasoned. There had to be memories of his childhood, growing up and all the family holidays shared with loved ones. He just had to be patient.
*****
Standing in the gate room staring at the massive portal gave him pause for thought. Now that his inaugural mission was over Daniel wondered about his future. Where would he live? For that matter, how would he afford a place of his own?
He had remembered enough to know this was not only his job, but also his reason for finally belonging somewhere. Although it was his fairly recent past he had recollected, he felt there had been a nomadic existence in his distant past. Not surprising then, that he had felt comfortable with Shamda's people.
"You all right?"
Daniel turned, a bit startled, to see Jack O'Neill watching him. "Yeah."
"Well, dinner's at seven." Jack offered. "Don't be late. Teal'c gets a little cranky when his blood sugar gets low."
"Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"It's not that I mind rejoining SG1." Daniel began. "And exploring the galaxy, meeting new cultures, jeopardy... saving the world, that kind of thing. We get paid for this, right?"
Jack O'Neill's face lit up with a wide grin. "Welcome back."
*****
The pizzas were history as the four members of SG1 reclined in their places around Jack O'Neill's living room.
Jack was in his favorite chair while Teal'c sat on the floor in front of the coffee table. Sam Carter and Daniel sat on the sofa.
Jack chugged the last of his beer and leaned over to place the empty bottle on the floor. As he came up, his eyes rested on Daniel who was trying his best to stifle a yawn while he wiped his mouth with his napkin. He shifted his gaze slightly to take in Carter as she watched their friend's struggle to remain alert. She was smiling with a contentment Jack had not witnessed in a long time.
"DanielJackson is in need of sleep." Teal'c proclaimed.
"No, no," Daniel protested. "Just relaxing is all."
"You almost ate your napkin instead of the last piece of your pizza." Sam teased.
"I did not." Daniel countered with that familiar pout in his tone.
"Did too." Jack said.
"Did not." Daniel replied, a bit annoyed now.
Jack could not help the smile that covered his face. Sam followed with one of her own and Teal'c's characteristic smirk was just as warm.
"Oh, yeah. He's back." Jack confirmed.
"Well," Carter said as she rose to her feet. "I, for one, am tired."
She began to pick up the dirty paper plates, stacking them up. Daniel stood up, bending over to grab the equally empty beer bottles on the coffee table.
"Hey," Jack called out as Teal'c also had stood to clean up. "This is your welcome home party, Daniel. Let them do it."
Sam exchanged a resigned look with Teal'c as he followed her into the kitchen. Daniel slumped back down on the sofa, laying his head against the back.
"You are too ready for dreamland." Jack observed.
Daniel lifted his head to regard Jack O'Neill. He was no longer in total darkness when it came to these people here in this house. There was a familiarity and even a comfort with the varied personalities.
"It's a dreamland I'm not anxious to visit again anytime soon." Daniel told Jack, his eyes never shifting.
"That bad, huh?" Jack asked.
"You tell me." Daniel replied, just as Teal'c and Sam entered.
"Tell you what?" Sam inquired while she wiped down the coffee table as Teal'c replaced the shoved aside remote and TV listings.
"Fraiser says it's best..." Jack tried to begin.
"Yeah, I know." Daniel interrupted. "If I remember on my own."
"She's right, you know." Sam reinforced.
"I know." Daniel once again tried to suppress a yawn.
"Want a ride back to the SGC?" Sam asked.
"Not really." Daniel answered. "I mean, I'm not really ready to go back there."
There was an awkward silence as Sam looked to O'Neill. The colonel shrugged his shoulders and tilted his head toward the door.
Carter knew it was not a dismissal when her C.O. indicated they should leave. She and Teal'c had always known there were certain times that Daniel needed Jack. This was one of those times.
"Glad to have you back, Daniel." Sam leaned down and kissed his forehead.
He stiffened, somewhat, but fought the need to pull away from the show of affection from Samantha Carter. He just felt self-conscious right now. These people knew things about him, his life, which he had not recalled yet. It was very unnerving to think they all shared some mass inside joke.
"I, too, am pleased you are again with us, DanielJackson." Teal'c nodded.
Jack knew it was not rude not to walk Carter and Teal'c to the door. They were family. Once the door had clicked shut, he directed his full attention to the pensive young man who was staring up at the ceiling.
"You can crash here tonight." Jack offered.
"Thanks." Daniel accepted rather quickly. "I just don't want to go back to that room."
"We'll help you start looking for a place in a week or so." Jack told him. "Let you at least get used to your routine."
Daniel yawned, taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. Jack took that as a signal and got up. He moved to Daniel, lightly tapping his knee with the back of his hand.
"Come on." Jack said.
Daniel did not protest and merely followed the older man down the hall to the guestroom. His room.
Daniel leaned against the door frame as he watched Jack turn down the bed. He was not all that sure he was supposed to be this content being somewhat pampered. But he was.
"Extra toothbrushes are in the top drawer in the bathroom and there are pajamas in the bottom drawer of the dresser." Jack offered as he moved to stand in front of Daniel.
"You have only men's pajamas in that drawer?" Daniel asked with a coy smile.
Jack regarded the playful expression on Daniel's face. "They're yours."
Daniel moved aside to let Jack pass, stunned by the statement. His? They were his pajamas? He vaguely remembered this room.
"Did I live here at one time?" Daniel called out to Jack's retreating back.
"On occasion, as the need arose." Jack called back without turning around. "Night."
*****
It was surreal hearing the faint, far off scream. No!
It woke him up with a start, but he remained lying down. Clearing his head from sleep, he listened closely.
"No, please!"
"Daniel." Jack threw the covers off and scrambled over the foot of the bed.
Making a beeline to Daniel's room, Jack O'Neill cursed himself for letting his sleep induced haze make him forget his best friend was back.
"Stop!" Daniel thrashed around in bed, the blankets pooling down around his feet, still asleep.
Jack entered just as Daniel's anguished cry passed his lips. "Momme-eee!"
Jack sat on the bed grabbing hold of his friend's shoulders noticing the glistening sheen of sweat covering Daniel's chest. Jack gently shook the clammy shoulders. That was all it took and Daniel's eyes shot open, tears brimming the lids.
He saw Jack looking down at him with concern. Daniel tried to control his breathing, which was coming in quick, short gasps.
"Wha-what?" Daniel stammered.
"That dreamland you weren't too keen on visiting just threw you a curve." Jack smiled sympathetically. He watched as the younger man wiped the sweat and unshed tears away with his hand. "Hold on."
Daniel sat up leaning forward and rubbing the back of his neck. That was the first time he had woken up in total fear. The last time he woke up in the SGC from a nightmare he was filled with a sorrow he could never have imagined. He heard Jack enter the room again and looked up to see him holding out a glass of water.
"Thanks." Daniel said taking the glass. He downed the water in one gulp.
Jack noticed Daniel's hand shaking as he held out the empty glass. Taking it, he put it on the nightstand and then sat down next to the upset man.
"Want to talk?" Jack asked.
"I don't even know if it was real." Daniel sounded confused.
"It was a dream, Daniel." Jack reassured.
"I know, but I tend to think of them more as memories now. Not dreams, or nightmares." Daniel's arms protectively wrapped around his middle. "Just memories."
"Your parents?" Jack decided it would not be prompting Daniel's memory, seeing as how he had called for his mother.
"No," Daniel was shaking his head. "I had that one the last night I slept at the SGC."
"That's why you weren't gung-ho on going back there and sleeping again?" Jack asked even though he knew the answer.
"I felt so alone." Daniel began. "I mean, I did when I realized Sha're was gone. But this was different. I don't mean more painful, just different. I saw them all die, but my parents..."
"Hey," Jack placed his hand on Daniel's knee. "Take it easy on yourself, Daniel. You have a right to feel any way you do about anything in your life. No one's going to pass judgment on you and you shouldn't either."
"Some life I came back to." Daniel shook his head. "Maybe this was a punishment after all. Send the rebel rouser back and make him relive all those memories as if they were happening again."
"Aw, Daniel." Jack squeezed the knee under his palm. "Oma is your head cheerleader. I don't think she would have thought about it that way."
"It was the Wallaces." Daniel quietly muttered his head down and his fingers picking at the thread balls on the comforter.
"Daniel?"
"The memory." Daniel replied. "It was the Wallaces. They were a couple I went to live with when I was about ten years old. I'd already been in two other homes and been bounced back to the group home."
"Tough few years there, huh?" Jack tried to encourage Daniel, who had lapsed into thought that almost appeared would lead him to clam up.
"Jack," Daniel sighed. "I don't think I even remembered this before. Before my memory went away. I mean, I think I might've repressed it."
"Well, I wouldn't know." Jack offered. "You never spoke of your childhood in the child care system. Not with me, anyway. Just incidents that happened, but not specifically about foster care."
"I was their first." Daniel continued, scooting back and burrowing under the covers. "Foster kid. Mrs. Wallace was a housewife. She volunteered at their church twice a week. Mr. Wallace owned his own business and was always working. They couldn't have any children and she was really itching to be maternal."
Jack watched as Daniel stared off into the room, seemingly losing himself in memory again. He knew this was not going to be pleasant, but it had to be hashed out.
"What happened, Danny?" Jack's hushed voice urged.
"I happened." Daniel told him. "Mr. Wallace wanted a boy. He got me. Couldn't toss a football or wrestle with me. Not the little bookworm. And Mrs. Wallace wanted a child she could tuck in at night, cuddle and take care of. She got me. The only woman I wanted hugs and kisses from was crushed to death two years before. I took care of myself."
Jack's heart ached as he looked at Daniel's face closely. He noted that the blue eyes that sparkled when he used to tell tales of ancient civilizations were now dull at the telling of this story.
"She cried a lot and he yelled." Daniel went on. "I thought it was always about me, but now I guess they had their other problems, too."
"Did you stay long?" Jack tried when Daniel drifted away again.
"Four months." Daniel sighed. "It started a week after I got there. Mr. Wallace was always finding something wrong with what I said or what I did. He yelled at me a lot. I was scared of him. Then one night at dinner, he was telling Mrs. Wallace about something at work and he was real angry. He slammed his fist hard on the table just as I was setting my glass back down. It hit the edge of my plate and I let go. Milk went all over the table."
Jack's stomach was knotting up, but he had to see this through. He noticed Daniel's brow furrow and his eyes glaze over. "Go on," Jack urged.
"He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the chair saying I was a clumsy little shit. Mrs. Wallace was crying again and begging him to let it go. He wouldn't. I remember being in the room I used and lying face down on the bed. He was hollering about me being nothing but trouble."
Daniel shivered slightly, pulling the blanket over his bare shoulders. Jack waited, hoping Daniel would continue on his own. After a minute the cocooned man gathered his thoughts and went on.
"My parents never spanked me." Daniel reminisced. "They were talkers. Their theory was to sit the little bugger down and explain why what was said or done was wrong. You know, the 'you embarrassed us or you disappointed us' speech. That always really bothered me that I would disappoint them."
Jack needed to get back on track here. Daniel obviously was not just freaked because of a good old-fashioned spanking at the hands of Mr. Wallace. There had to be more to it than that.
"Mr. Wallace spanked you, huh?" Jack asked.
Daniel let out a strained laugh. "That's what Mrs. Wallace called them. 'Don't do that, Daniel or Mr. Wallace will spank you.' 'Don't say that in front of Mr. Wallace or he'll spank you again.' She called them that."
Not really wanting to push this, but knowing there was no other option, Jack decided to go for it. "What would you call them, Daniel?"
"Doubled up belt across the back? What would you call them, Jack?"
"God, Dannyboy, I'm sorry." Jack whispered, the words catching in his throat.
"He was clever, Mr. Wallace." Daniel continued. "He knew I had to sit down in school, so he never hit me on the bottom. I leaned forward in my chair a lot hunched over my desk. I got by for four months."
"How often did he...?" Jack stopped, not really knowing how to put it without being blunt.
"Oh, once a week." Daniel answered. "Sometimes twice if I really did something wrong. See he, at first, gave me reasons why but then that stopped. I never knew what I did to deserve it. I guess just being there was reason enough. They weren't all severe, Jack. Most were only about five or six strikes. Worst one I lost count after ten. That was the last one."
"You got pulled out of there." Jack reasoned out loud.
Daniel nodded. "The next day at school we had a spelling bee. We'd stand in front of the chalkboard and when it was our turn we'd step forward, say the word, spell it and say it again. I miscalculated my step back and backed into the chalk sill. Think I made the teacher's hair turn whiter. I was embarrassed because I screamed like a girl. She took me to the nurse's office and next thing I knew the social services lady was telling me I was going back to the group home."
"Anything ever happen to that bastard?" Jack ground out.
"I don't know." Daniel shrugged. "Never saw them again or heard about them."
"Didn't you get any counseling?" Jack was baffled.
"No," Daniel replied. "Social worker was afraid of losing her job, so it was all swept under the rug. I stayed at the home for a month until I got placed again with another couple. They were okay because they never laid a hand on me in a bad way. They never laid a hand on me in a good way, either. But I was a distant child."
"Geez, Danny," Jack sighed. He was getting angry at the detached tone Daniel had taken. It was as if he was recounting a tale from one of those ancient civilization not his childhood. "You were a traumatized little boy. God, couldn't any of those so-called caregivers see that?"
"It's a system, Jack." Daniel defended. "Over loaded caseworkers, untrained couples who get stuck with damaged kids. They try to do the best they can. Some are better at it than others. I got into a few good homes. Just never could stay long term."
"You really need to talk to someone about this, Daniel." Jack advised.
"I have." Daniel said matter-of-factly. "You, Jack. I just talked to you."
"I'm no psychologist."
"I don't need one." Daniel protested with a bit of annoyance. "I just needed to talk about it, because it presented itself."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
Jack watched Daniel closely, trying to determine whether or not his friend needed to do more than talk about this horrible memory. Having been through what Daniel had in his life and then the events since his descending, Jack figured there was a dam waiting to burst.
"You know, your mind is playing 'this is your life' with you." Jack told him. "It's okay if you give in."
Daniel looked at Jack with a confused stare. "Give in?"
"Yeah," Jack nodded. "Get angry, upset. Might do you some good."
"I don't see how." Daniel answered. "In the end it's still my life. Was my life. I can't ever change that, no matter how much I want to."
"Now, see there." Jack pointed an accusing finger at Daniel. "That's where you're wrong. I will be the first person to admit that all of the bad things you went through should never happen to anyone, let alone a child. But all of those bad events had a hand in making you the adult you became. Not that if your parents had lived you would be any less compassionate and caring inside. But maybe you wouldn't have been so driven to succeed in your career as you did. Then, just think about what would never have been. The Stargate program, us meeting."
Daniel regarded the man sitting beside him. He did remember this man and the many times they had argued and cursed the other. But he also remembered the many times they were there for each other. Just like Jack was here for him now.
"Jack," Daniel finally spoke. "I remember a lot of things. But I don't ever remember you being a philosopher."
Jack smirked and shrugged his shoulders. "Well, I had my moments."
Daniel inhaled, then let out a ragged breath. "I lied to myself when I was a kid. I did want someone to hug and cuddle me. Tell me everything was going to be all right. Tell me that I mattered to someone."
Jack watched the features of his friend's face grow stiff with held back emotion. He had guessed right. The dam was springing a leak.
"You know I had girlfriends who hugged me." Daniel continued, his voice forced and quivering. "And Sha're. But those were sexual relationships. Not that they didn't love me other than physical, but you know. I mean I never had anyone hug me, comfort me until..."
He could not bring himself to say it. No one had hugged him until Jack O'Neill comforted him after Daniel had nearly blown his CO's head off following the Shyla/sarcophagus fiasco. Or as Jack did when he was so glad to see the death defying archaeologist that he practically cracked Daniel's ribs while affectionately dubbing him 'Spacemonkey'.
The tears were rolling down the sides of his recently descended friend's face now. Plop, plop on the pillow. Jack swallowed back the lump in his throat knowing full well why Daniel could not finish. Neither one of them had ever been good at revealing their feelings regarding the deep bond they shared.
Daniel's watery eyes rested on Jack with an innocence that went straight to the usually gruff colonel's heart. Whenever that happened, and this man before him usually caused it, Jack reacted physically. He held out his hands with the palms up.
"I'm right here, Dannyboy." Jack managed to croak out.
Without hesitation Daniel slowly pushed himself up and leaned in placing his head on Jack's shoulder. Jack wrapped his arms around Daniel's back bringing him closer. He was aware Daniel's arms were limp at his sides, but figured it was enough that the younger man willing let himself be hugged. No wonder he had always shied away from physical affection. He was afraid of rejection if he instigated it and afraid of attachment if he accepted. Hell, everyone he ever loved in his life, that he let get close, had died or left him like Nick Ballard had.
Daniel really did not want to let loose on Jack. He was, after all, his commanding officer. He wanted to hold onto whatever dignity he could until some other horrid memory chipped away at it again.
"I'm just so tired." Daniel whispered, his voice strained from holding back.
"I know you are." Jack said, rubbing his friend's back in slow circles. Feeling Daniel tensing and attempting to pull away, Jack added, "Just let it go. Relax."
Daniel could not resist any longer. Even though his arms remained at his sides he buried his face in Jack's shoulder and cried.
Tears fell freely from Jack's eyes as he rocked and listened to Daniel cry. He imagined the other man was crying for his lost childhood, deceased family and all the times he would not let himself be comforted. Those too numerous times he buried himself in his work and dealt with his pain and sorrow alone.
Time passed and Jack felt Daniel's body becoming heavier. The crying had changed to sniffling and then to easy breathing. Now he realized that Daniel had fallen asleep. Gently placing a hand behind his friend's head, Jack leaned into him to begin to lay him down.
Lightening fast Daniel's arms went around Jack's shoulders from behind. "No," the sleepy protest came forth.
Jack smiled knowing Daniel was still somewhat asleep. "You fell asleep, big guy. You really should lie down."
As his arms dropped to his sides again, Daniel felt himself being lowered onto the bed. He was so tired he barely could open his eyes enough to see Jack's face in the dim light from the hallway.
"Sorry." Daniel mumbled.
"Not a problem." Jack stood up and leaned down, tucking the blankets in. He made it to the door only to be stopped.
"Jack?"
He turned to see Daniel looking at him underneath droopy eyelids. "Yeah?" Jack whispered back.
"You kept my pajamas even though you thought I was dead?" Daniel asked.
"I missed spring cleaning this year." Jack answered. "Been kind of busy saving the planet and all."
"You always looked out for me." Daniel yawned. "I remember that. I remember why, too."
"You do?" Jack asked.
"Yeah." Daniel turned over on his side. "Cause you might have, kind of admired me."
Jack shook his head at the memory of his confession at Daniel's bedside in the infirmary before he left them. He had felt awful about not saying more.
"Danny?" Jack called out in a hushed voice.
"Hm?" Daniel responded sleepily.
Okay, so it wasn't easy to tell his friend how he felt even though he knew now more than ever how important it was to have your say while you still had the chance. But maybe that was why their bond was so strong, because they both understood each other where it mattered the most.
"You can stay here until we find you a place." Jack finally said. "If that's okay with you."
"'Kay." Daniel muttered. "Night, Jack."
"Night, Dannyboy."
THE END
Season: Seven - During and immediately following Daniel's first mission after descending in "Fallen and "Homecoming".
Spoilers: References to episdoses "Serpent's Lair", "Need" and The Curse".
Author's Notes: I felt that Daniel's journey to remembering was one that was swept aside too casually. This was tugging at the back of my mind ever since.
**********
Daniel Jackson slowly trudged down the corridor of the SGC having just left Teal'c's quarters. Head down his eyes were watching his fingers lightly brush the photograph of her he held.
He felt more alone now than he had when he first woke up naked and confused on P4T-3G6. All in less than two hours, he had "found" Sha're only to lose her again. Excited to tell someone that he knew her name and who she was, Daniel had raced to Teal'c's room. The burly man had smiled when Daniel had told him the news. But when he had asked where she was the Jaffa's face grew somber.
He wondered what other dark memories would he remember before the pleasant ones surfaced. After all, there had to be pleasant ones, right? Sure, he reasoned. There had to be memories of his childhood, growing up and all the family holidays shared with loved ones. He just had to be patient.
*****
Standing in the gate room staring at the massive portal gave him pause for thought. Now that his inaugural mission was over Daniel wondered about his future. Where would he live? For that matter, how would he afford a place of his own?
He had remembered enough to know this was not only his job, but also his reason for finally belonging somewhere. Although it was his fairly recent past he had recollected, he felt there had been a nomadic existence in his distant past. Not surprising then, that he had felt comfortable with Shamda's people.
"You all right?"
Daniel turned, a bit startled, to see Jack O'Neill watching him. "Yeah."
"Well, dinner's at seven." Jack offered. "Don't be late. Teal'c gets a little cranky when his blood sugar gets low."
"Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"It's not that I mind rejoining SG1." Daniel began. "And exploring the galaxy, meeting new cultures, jeopardy... saving the world, that kind of thing. We get paid for this, right?"
Jack O'Neill's face lit up with a wide grin. "Welcome back."
*****
The pizzas were history as the four members of SG1 reclined in their places around Jack O'Neill's living room.
Jack was in his favorite chair while Teal'c sat on the floor in front of the coffee table. Sam Carter and Daniel sat on the sofa.
Jack chugged the last of his beer and leaned over to place the empty bottle on the floor. As he came up, his eyes rested on Daniel who was trying his best to stifle a yawn while he wiped his mouth with his napkin. He shifted his gaze slightly to take in Carter as she watched their friend's struggle to remain alert. She was smiling with a contentment Jack had not witnessed in a long time.
"DanielJackson is in need of sleep." Teal'c proclaimed.
"No, no," Daniel protested. "Just relaxing is all."
"You almost ate your napkin instead of the last piece of your pizza." Sam teased.
"I did not." Daniel countered with that familiar pout in his tone.
"Did too." Jack said.
"Did not." Daniel replied, a bit annoyed now.
Jack could not help the smile that covered his face. Sam followed with one of her own and Teal'c's characteristic smirk was just as warm.
"Oh, yeah. He's back." Jack confirmed.
"Well," Carter said as she rose to her feet. "I, for one, am tired."
She began to pick up the dirty paper plates, stacking them up. Daniel stood up, bending over to grab the equally empty beer bottles on the coffee table.
"Hey," Jack called out as Teal'c also had stood to clean up. "This is your welcome home party, Daniel. Let them do it."
Sam exchanged a resigned look with Teal'c as he followed her into the kitchen. Daniel slumped back down on the sofa, laying his head against the back.
"You are too ready for dreamland." Jack observed.
Daniel lifted his head to regard Jack O'Neill. He was no longer in total darkness when it came to these people here in this house. There was a familiarity and even a comfort with the varied personalities.
"It's a dreamland I'm not anxious to visit again anytime soon." Daniel told Jack, his eyes never shifting.
"That bad, huh?" Jack asked.
"You tell me." Daniel replied, just as Teal'c and Sam entered.
"Tell you what?" Sam inquired while she wiped down the coffee table as Teal'c replaced the shoved aside remote and TV listings.
"Fraiser says it's best..." Jack tried to begin.
"Yeah, I know." Daniel interrupted. "If I remember on my own."
"She's right, you know." Sam reinforced.
"I know." Daniel once again tried to suppress a yawn.
"Want a ride back to the SGC?" Sam asked.
"Not really." Daniel answered. "I mean, I'm not really ready to go back there."
There was an awkward silence as Sam looked to O'Neill. The colonel shrugged his shoulders and tilted his head toward the door.
Carter knew it was not a dismissal when her C.O. indicated they should leave. She and Teal'c had always known there were certain times that Daniel needed Jack. This was one of those times.
"Glad to have you back, Daniel." Sam leaned down and kissed his forehead.
He stiffened, somewhat, but fought the need to pull away from the show of affection from Samantha Carter. He just felt self-conscious right now. These people knew things about him, his life, which he had not recalled yet. It was very unnerving to think they all shared some mass inside joke.
"I, too, am pleased you are again with us, DanielJackson." Teal'c nodded.
Jack knew it was not rude not to walk Carter and Teal'c to the door. They were family. Once the door had clicked shut, he directed his full attention to the pensive young man who was staring up at the ceiling.
"You can crash here tonight." Jack offered.
"Thanks." Daniel accepted rather quickly. "I just don't want to go back to that room."
"We'll help you start looking for a place in a week or so." Jack told him. "Let you at least get used to your routine."
Daniel yawned, taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. Jack took that as a signal and got up. He moved to Daniel, lightly tapping his knee with the back of his hand.
"Come on." Jack said.
Daniel did not protest and merely followed the older man down the hall to the guestroom. His room.
Daniel leaned against the door frame as he watched Jack turn down the bed. He was not all that sure he was supposed to be this content being somewhat pampered. But he was.
"Extra toothbrushes are in the top drawer in the bathroom and there are pajamas in the bottom drawer of the dresser." Jack offered as he moved to stand in front of Daniel.
"You have only men's pajamas in that drawer?" Daniel asked with a coy smile.
Jack regarded the playful expression on Daniel's face. "They're yours."
Daniel moved aside to let Jack pass, stunned by the statement. His? They were his pajamas? He vaguely remembered this room.
"Did I live here at one time?" Daniel called out to Jack's retreating back.
"On occasion, as the need arose." Jack called back without turning around. "Night."
*****
It was surreal hearing the faint, far off scream. No!
It woke him up with a start, but he remained lying down. Clearing his head from sleep, he listened closely.
"No, please!"
"Daniel." Jack threw the covers off and scrambled over the foot of the bed.
Making a beeline to Daniel's room, Jack O'Neill cursed himself for letting his sleep induced haze make him forget his best friend was back.
"Stop!" Daniel thrashed around in bed, the blankets pooling down around his feet, still asleep.
Jack entered just as Daniel's anguished cry passed his lips. "Momme-eee!"
Jack sat on the bed grabbing hold of his friend's shoulders noticing the glistening sheen of sweat covering Daniel's chest. Jack gently shook the clammy shoulders. That was all it took and Daniel's eyes shot open, tears brimming the lids.
He saw Jack looking down at him with concern. Daniel tried to control his breathing, which was coming in quick, short gasps.
"Wha-what?" Daniel stammered.
"That dreamland you weren't too keen on visiting just threw you a curve." Jack smiled sympathetically. He watched as the younger man wiped the sweat and unshed tears away with his hand. "Hold on."
Daniel sat up leaning forward and rubbing the back of his neck. That was the first time he had woken up in total fear. The last time he woke up in the SGC from a nightmare he was filled with a sorrow he could never have imagined. He heard Jack enter the room again and looked up to see him holding out a glass of water.
"Thanks." Daniel said taking the glass. He downed the water in one gulp.
Jack noticed Daniel's hand shaking as he held out the empty glass. Taking it, he put it on the nightstand and then sat down next to the upset man.
"Want to talk?" Jack asked.
"I don't even know if it was real." Daniel sounded confused.
"It was a dream, Daniel." Jack reassured.
"I know, but I tend to think of them more as memories now. Not dreams, or nightmares." Daniel's arms protectively wrapped around his middle. "Just memories."
"Your parents?" Jack decided it would not be prompting Daniel's memory, seeing as how he had called for his mother.
"No," Daniel was shaking his head. "I had that one the last night I slept at the SGC."
"That's why you weren't gung-ho on going back there and sleeping again?" Jack asked even though he knew the answer.
"I felt so alone." Daniel began. "I mean, I did when I realized Sha're was gone. But this was different. I don't mean more painful, just different. I saw them all die, but my parents..."
"Hey," Jack placed his hand on Daniel's knee. "Take it easy on yourself, Daniel. You have a right to feel any way you do about anything in your life. No one's going to pass judgment on you and you shouldn't either."
"Some life I came back to." Daniel shook his head. "Maybe this was a punishment after all. Send the rebel rouser back and make him relive all those memories as if they were happening again."
"Aw, Daniel." Jack squeezed the knee under his palm. "Oma is your head cheerleader. I don't think she would have thought about it that way."
"It was the Wallaces." Daniel quietly muttered his head down and his fingers picking at the thread balls on the comforter.
"Daniel?"
"The memory." Daniel replied. "It was the Wallaces. They were a couple I went to live with when I was about ten years old. I'd already been in two other homes and been bounced back to the group home."
"Tough few years there, huh?" Jack tried to encourage Daniel, who had lapsed into thought that almost appeared would lead him to clam up.
"Jack," Daniel sighed. "I don't think I even remembered this before. Before my memory went away. I mean, I think I might've repressed it."
"Well, I wouldn't know." Jack offered. "You never spoke of your childhood in the child care system. Not with me, anyway. Just incidents that happened, but not specifically about foster care."
"I was their first." Daniel continued, scooting back and burrowing under the covers. "Foster kid. Mrs. Wallace was a housewife. She volunteered at their church twice a week. Mr. Wallace owned his own business and was always working. They couldn't have any children and she was really itching to be maternal."
Jack watched as Daniel stared off into the room, seemingly losing himself in memory again. He knew this was not going to be pleasant, but it had to be hashed out.
"What happened, Danny?" Jack's hushed voice urged.
"I happened." Daniel told him. "Mr. Wallace wanted a boy. He got me. Couldn't toss a football or wrestle with me. Not the little bookworm. And Mrs. Wallace wanted a child she could tuck in at night, cuddle and take care of. She got me. The only woman I wanted hugs and kisses from was crushed to death two years before. I took care of myself."
Jack's heart ached as he looked at Daniel's face closely. He noted that the blue eyes that sparkled when he used to tell tales of ancient civilizations were now dull at the telling of this story.
"She cried a lot and he yelled." Daniel went on. "I thought it was always about me, but now I guess they had their other problems, too."
"Did you stay long?" Jack tried when Daniel drifted away again.
"Four months." Daniel sighed. "It started a week after I got there. Mr. Wallace was always finding something wrong with what I said or what I did. He yelled at me a lot. I was scared of him. Then one night at dinner, he was telling Mrs. Wallace about something at work and he was real angry. He slammed his fist hard on the table just as I was setting my glass back down. It hit the edge of my plate and I let go. Milk went all over the table."
Jack's stomach was knotting up, but he had to see this through. He noticed Daniel's brow furrow and his eyes glaze over. "Go on," Jack urged.
"He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the chair saying I was a clumsy little shit. Mrs. Wallace was crying again and begging him to let it go. He wouldn't. I remember being in the room I used and lying face down on the bed. He was hollering about me being nothing but trouble."
Daniel shivered slightly, pulling the blanket over his bare shoulders. Jack waited, hoping Daniel would continue on his own. After a minute the cocooned man gathered his thoughts and went on.
"My parents never spanked me." Daniel reminisced. "They were talkers. Their theory was to sit the little bugger down and explain why what was said or done was wrong. You know, the 'you embarrassed us or you disappointed us' speech. That always really bothered me that I would disappoint them."
Jack needed to get back on track here. Daniel obviously was not just freaked because of a good old-fashioned spanking at the hands of Mr. Wallace. There had to be more to it than that.
"Mr. Wallace spanked you, huh?" Jack asked.
Daniel let out a strained laugh. "That's what Mrs. Wallace called them. 'Don't do that, Daniel or Mr. Wallace will spank you.' 'Don't say that in front of Mr. Wallace or he'll spank you again.' She called them that."
Not really wanting to push this, but knowing there was no other option, Jack decided to go for it. "What would you call them, Daniel?"
"Doubled up belt across the back? What would you call them, Jack?"
"God, Dannyboy, I'm sorry." Jack whispered, the words catching in his throat.
"He was clever, Mr. Wallace." Daniel continued. "He knew I had to sit down in school, so he never hit me on the bottom. I leaned forward in my chair a lot hunched over my desk. I got by for four months."
"How often did he...?" Jack stopped, not really knowing how to put it without being blunt.
"Oh, once a week." Daniel answered. "Sometimes twice if I really did something wrong. See he, at first, gave me reasons why but then that stopped. I never knew what I did to deserve it. I guess just being there was reason enough. They weren't all severe, Jack. Most were only about five or six strikes. Worst one I lost count after ten. That was the last one."
"You got pulled out of there." Jack reasoned out loud.
Daniel nodded. "The next day at school we had a spelling bee. We'd stand in front of the chalkboard and when it was our turn we'd step forward, say the word, spell it and say it again. I miscalculated my step back and backed into the chalk sill. Think I made the teacher's hair turn whiter. I was embarrassed because I screamed like a girl. She took me to the nurse's office and next thing I knew the social services lady was telling me I was going back to the group home."
"Anything ever happen to that bastard?" Jack ground out.
"I don't know." Daniel shrugged. "Never saw them again or heard about them."
"Didn't you get any counseling?" Jack was baffled.
"No," Daniel replied. "Social worker was afraid of losing her job, so it was all swept under the rug. I stayed at the home for a month until I got placed again with another couple. They were okay because they never laid a hand on me in a bad way. They never laid a hand on me in a good way, either. But I was a distant child."
"Geez, Danny," Jack sighed. He was getting angry at the detached tone Daniel had taken. It was as if he was recounting a tale from one of those ancient civilization not his childhood. "You were a traumatized little boy. God, couldn't any of those so-called caregivers see that?"
"It's a system, Jack." Daniel defended. "Over loaded caseworkers, untrained couples who get stuck with damaged kids. They try to do the best they can. Some are better at it than others. I got into a few good homes. Just never could stay long term."
"You really need to talk to someone about this, Daniel." Jack advised.
"I have." Daniel said matter-of-factly. "You, Jack. I just talked to you."
"I'm no psychologist."
"I don't need one." Daniel protested with a bit of annoyance. "I just needed to talk about it, because it presented itself."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
Jack watched Daniel closely, trying to determine whether or not his friend needed to do more than talk about this horrible memory. Having been through what Daniel had in his life and then the events since his descending, Jack figured there was a dam waiting to burst.
"You know, your mind is playing 'this is your life' with you." Jack told him. "It's okay if you give in."
Daniel looked at Jack with a confused stare. "Give in?"
"Yeah," Jack nodded. "Get angry, upset. Might do you some good."
"I don't see how." Daniel answered. "In the end it's still my life. Was my life. I can't ever change that, no matter how much I want to."
"Now, see there." Jack pointed an accusing finger at Daniel. "That's where you're wrong. I will be the first person to admit that all of the bad things you went through should never happen to anyone, let alone a child. But all of those bad events had a hand in making you the adult you became. Not that if your parents had lived you would be any less compassionate and caring inside. But maybe you wouldn't have been so driven to succeed in your career as you did. Then, just think about what would never have been. The Stargate program, us meeting."
Daniel regarded the man sitting beside him. He did remember this man and the many times they had argued and cursed the other. But he also remembered the many times they were there for each other. Just like Jack was here for him now.
"Jack," Daniel finally spoke. "I remember a lot of things. But I don't ever remember you being a philosopher."
Jack smirked and shrugged his shoulders. "Well, I had my moments."
Daniel inhaled, then let out a ragged breath. "I lied to myself when I was a kid. I did want someone to hug and cuddle me. Tell me everything was going to be all right. Tell me that I mattered to someone."
Jack watched the features of his friend's face grow stiff with held back emotion. He had guessed right. The dam was springing a leak.
"You know I had girlfriends who hugged me." Daniel continued, his voice forced and quivering. "And Sha're. But those were sexual relationships. Not that they didn't love me other than physical, but you know. I mean I never had anyone hug me, comfort me until..."
He could not bring himself to say it. No one had hugged him until Jack O'Neill comforted him after Daniel had nearly blown his CO's head off following the Shyla/sarcophagus fiasco. Or as Jack did when he was so glad to see the death defying archaeologist that he practically cracked Daniel's ribs while affectionately dubbing him 'Spacemonkey'.
The tears were rolling down the sides of his recently descended friend's face now. Plop, plop on the pillow. Jack swallowed back the lump in his throat knowing full well why Daniel could not finish. Neither one of them had ever been good at revealing their feelings regarding the deep bond they shared.
Daniel's watery eyes rested on Jack with an innocence that went straight to the usually gruff colonel's heart. Whenever that happened, and this man before him usually caused it, Jack reacted physically. He held out his hands with the palms up.
"I'm right here, Dannyboy." Jack managed to croak out.
Without hesitation Daniel slowly pushed himself up and leaned in placing his head on Jack's shoulder. Jack wrapped his arms around Daniel's back bringing him closer. He was aware Daniel's arms were limp at his sides, but figured it was enough that the younger man willing let himself be hugged. No wonder he had always shied away from physical affection. He was afraid of rejection if he instigated it and afraid of attachment if he accepted. Hell, everyone he ever loved in his life, that he let get close, had died or left him like Nick Ballard had.
Daniel really did not want to let loose on Jack. He was, after all, his commanding officer. He wanted to hold onto whatever dignity he could until some other horrid memory chipped away at it again.
"I'm just so tired." Daniel whispered, his voice strained from holding back.
"I know you are." Jack said, rubbing his friend's back in slow circles. Feeling Daniel tensing and attempting to pull away, Jack added, "Just let it go. Relax."
Daniel could not resist any longer. Even though his arms remained at his sides he buried his face in Jack's shoulder and cried.
Tears fell freely from Jack's eyes as he rocked and listened to Daniel cry. He imagined the other man was crying for his lost childhood, deceased family and all the times he would not let himself be comforted. Those too numerous times he buried himself in his work and dealt with his pain and sorrow alone.
Time passed and Jack felt Daniel's body becoming heavier. The crying had changed to sniffling and then to easy breathing. Now he realized that Daniel had fallen asleep. Gently placing a hand behind his friend's head, Jack leaned into him to begin to lay him down.
Lightening fast Daniel's arms went around Jack's shoulders from behind. "No," the sleepy protest came forth.
Jack smiled knowing Daniel was still somewhat asleep. "You fell asleep, big guy. You really should lie down."
As his arms dropped to his sides again, Daniel felt himself being lowered onto the bed. He was so tired he barely could open his eyes enough to see Jack's face in the dim light from the hallway.
"Sorry." Daniel mumbled.
"Not a problem." Jack stood up and leaned down, tucking the blankets in. He made it to the door only to be stopped.
"Jack?"
He turned to see Daniel looking at him underneath droopy eyelids. "Yeah?" Jack whispered back.
"You kept my pajamas even though you thought I was dead?" Daniel asked.
"I missed spring cleaning this year." Jack answered. "Been kind of busy saving the planet and all."
"You always looked out for me." Daniel yawned. "I remember that. I remember why, too."
"You do?" Jack asked.
"Yeah." Daniel turned over on his side. "Cause you might have, kind of admired me."
Jack shook his head at the memory of his confession at Daniel's bedside in the infirmary before he left them. He had felt awful about not saying more.
"Danny?" Jack called out in a hushed voice.
"Hm?" Daniel responded sleepily.
Okay, so it wasn't easy to tell his friend how he felt even though he knew now more than ever how important it was to have your say while you still had the chance. But maybe that was why their bond was so strong, because they both understood each other where it mattered the most.
"You can stay here until we find you a place." Jack finally said. "If that's okay with you."
"'Kay." Daniel muttered. "Night, Jack."
"Night, Dannyboy."
THE END