Title: Somewhere In the Night 2/3
Author: Jyorraku, Josephine, Chrysa, Didi, Mara, JustVisiting, Catseye
E-Mail: For contact info, check the Linguistics Database Forum: .
JustVisiting
* * * * *
She had miscalculated.
Day after day, she sat at her station. His voice filled her ears each time he spoke, making her shiver slightly each time. The lower tones reverberated in her mind. The mere sound made her want to weep at her loss. No more time with Jonathan Archer. Her captain.
She was alone.
How long could she maintain the veneer of professionalism? Since her review dinner with him, he had adopted the kindly attitude of a mentor. She recognized that tone, that look. As a professor, she had used them to distance herself from her students. And now, I am the student, she thought. Ensign Sato.
During the day, she kept a tight rein on her emotions. She could not afford to wallow in her misery nor did she have the time. New languages and new cultures kept her busy. It was easy to fill her time with work. She surrounded herself with the friends she had made on board the ship. She could imagine that she was happy.
But at night, she would lay awake in her bed. She knew every rivet in the ceiling by heart. Sometimes, long into the sleep cycle, she would indulge in her memories. She knew better than to obsess but, if she tried hard enough, she could feel the touch of his hand smoothing her skin. Her nerves tingling, she could imagine the smell of him, the weight of his body on hers. The warmth of his breath as he nibbled on her skin as if feasting for the first time. In her mind, she replayed each precious moment.
She would end up in the shower, leaning her forehead against the wall. Water streamed down in rivulets, caressing her. With her eyes closed, she could imagine Jonathan standing behind her. Feel his hands on her body. She had always had a vivid imagination. In the end, her tears would mingle with the water and she would go to bed exhausted.
Her longing went beyond her physical attraction to him. She missed being held. She had loved entwining their fingers, studying how his hand dwarfed hers. She missed waking up together, basking in his warmth and in his love. His gentle smile as she bent over him, her hair swinging about his face. His laughter and the spark in his eyes that was meant only for her.
Love? Was it love that bound her to her sorrow? She no longer knew. He wore his captain's mask so well that she began to doubt their time together. Had he really cared about her at all? Her heart numb, she threw all her energy into her work. Sometimes, she caught Trip glancing at her sympathetically. As Jonathan's friend, did he know?
She sighed as she slid into her bed after a long day spent translating. It had been seven months since leaving earth. One month since...
Hoshi rolled over, dragging her blankets over her head. Her hand smoothed a spot beside her. She clenched her fist and shut her eyes tightly. I will not cry. Not again. Against her will, she splayed her hand over the mattress. He should be here. Here with me.
A lone tear escaped her closed eyes. I miss him.
* * * * *
Josephine
Hoshi walked down the corridor, wondering what she was supposed to be doing. The growling of her stomach reminded her it had been awhile since she last ate. How long ago was that?
Sighing, Hoshi walked into the mess hall. Working on the Zwinjnen language had consumed every moment she had. At least it keeps me from thinking about him.
Even that passing thought was enough to bring back the memories. Hoshi let them come, not having the mental strength right now to keep them at bay. She shuffled through the line, picking out food at random.
"Hoshi."
God, I'm in sorry shape. His voice sounds so real.
"Hoshi."
Tears pricked her eyes as she imagined his hand touching her. I can't go on like this. It's too much ...
"Hoshi!"
Feeling herself spun around, Hoshi looked up to see Jonathan's worried face before she lost consciousness.
Jonathan caught her as she fell, picking her up in his arms. "Trip! Call Phlox and tell him I'm bring Hoshi to sickbay!" His voice seemed loud in the silent room, the crew going silent as they saw Hoshi collapse.
Striding down the corridors, trying not to jostle Hoshi, Jon looked down at her pale face. He knew she had been pushing herself with the Zwinjnen language; Star Fleet really wanted the dilithium the planet was rich in. Damn crystals aren't worth your life, Hoshi.
Phlox was waiting by the open doors to sickbay. "Right over here, Captain. What happened?" Taking up his instruments, the doctor began looking at Hoshi.
"Trip and I were on our way to lunch when we saw Hoshi walking like she was in a daze. We followed her into the mess hall, when I called to her she didn't answer. I turned her to look at me, and she fainted."
"Hmm."
"Well?"
Looking at Archer, Phlox's face was stern. "Dehydration, slight malnutrition, and exhaustion. No wonder she fainted. What have you been doing to her?"
Ignoring her. Archer felt his chest tighten at Phlox's diagnosis. "She's been working on translating a particularly difficult language that Star Fleet put a priority one on."
"Hmph. Nothing is worth running a crew member into the ground, Captain."
"I know."
Phlox looked at Archer, perhaps seeing more than he was supposed to.
"Ensign Sato will stay here for awhile. No visitors. She needs rest, and to build up her strength. I'll keep you informed of the progress." Phlox stared at Archer until he nodded, reluctantly forced from sickbay.
The rest of the day passed slowly for Archer, spending most of it in his ready room. He tried to work, but thoughts of Hoshi kept surfacing. Giving up, he went to his cabin.
Almost against his will he moved to his computer, pulling up Hoshi's Star Fleet file with her picture. It was taken right after her commission had been officially reactivated. She was looking at the camera, but not seeing it, an impassive expression on her face. Jon knew that look. He wore it often. But not right now.
Throwing himself down on his bunk, Jon let the memories of Hoshi in, welcoming them for once. He remembered everything; from the day they met to seeing her lying pale in sickbay. His mind dwelled on the three months since her review.
Jon spent the night of that fateful dinner awake, longing for Hoshi even more. He had thought that being with her one more time would help get rid of the demons, but it just fed them. It was a fresh reminder of what he didn't have, couldn't have.
I can't go on like this. It's too much, having her so close .. It was the next day that Jon started to withdraw from Hoshi, treating her with reserve. It was stressful; he had to watch himself constantly lest he slip and smile at her, touch her...
Trip noticed Jonathan's hardening toward Hoshi; he tried to talk to him a few times about it, but Jon brushed him off. Jon couldn't examine the why and wherefores of his actions, he was on autopilot in regards to her, anything else and he would go mad.
Unfortunately, Jon's refusal to deal with his feelings for Hoshi caused them to come out in his subconscious. His dreams were filled with her, ranging from the innocuous to the bluntly erotic. But no matter what they entailed, Jon always woke up with a vague disquiet, half-remembered images of Hoshi in his head.
Sometime in the middle of the night Jonathan was awaked by a call from Phlox. "I'd like you to come to sickbay, Captain, as soon as possible."
"What is it? What wrong with Hoshi?"
"The Ensign is...fine, Captain; but I need you to come quickly."
Not bothering to put anything over his boxers and t-shirt, Jon sprinted down the corridors to sickbay. Coming through the door, he could see Hoshi in the bed behind the curtains; Phlox standing by with a concerned look on his face.
In contrast to his flight to get here, Jon slowly walked up to the bed. He could hear Hoshi talking in her sleep.
"Need you, Jon...it's too much...not strong enough..." Anguish threaded Hoshi's voice and marred her face.
Phlox looked up at Jonathan. "She has been talking in her sleep for quite some time now. Do you and Ensign Sato have a history together, Captain?"
Jon closed his eyes in pain. "Yes."
Phlox waited.
"We became lovers when I went to ask her to join the crew. We knew what would happen when we got back to the ship; we thought we could handle it."
"Mmm, Jon...missed you so..." A smile transformed Hoshi at the sound of Jon's voice, she rubbed her cheek against the pillow.
"Will she wake up?"
"No, I've given her something to sleep. She'll be under a while."
Jon laced his fingers with Hoshi's, smoothing back her hair. Hoshi pulled their hands to her chest and quieted.
"You do realize, Captain, her performance ratings have been declining for the past two months?"
"No, I hadn't." Jon's heart constricted at the thought of what Hoshi had been going through.
"Your work has suffered too, hasn't it? The situation you are in, Captain, cannot continue. Ensign Sato has been working herself to the breaking point trying to ignore her feelings, and you withdraw into yourself. I've had a few crewmen in, concerned about you."
"I'm her commanding officer, Phlox, there is no way we can have a relationship other than that."
"We are out in deep space, Captain, regulations that worked for other ships will not work here." Phlox sighed. "I have no answers for you, this is something you two will have to face yourselves. You cannot hide any longer."
Walking off, Phlox brought back a chair for Jon, then left. Sitting, watching Hoshi, Jon felt the frustrations of the past three months come to the surface.
This ship has been my whole life. I promised nothing would stop me from fulfilling my father's dream of getting Enterprise into space. Does that include sacrificing my own happiness? My own chance at the family my father had? Would he have traded us to see Enterprise launched? I could give up the chance at a family if it was just me, but I'm hurting another person with my decision. Jon reached out to stroke Hoshi's cheek. Smiling again, she turned toward his hand. Do I want to give up the chance for a family?
Jon lay his head down, listening to the sound of Hoshi breathing mixed with Enterprise's warp engines.
How can I leave her?
* * * * *
Mara
The bed didn't feel right, and she shifted uncomfortably, trying to remember falling asleep.
"Hoshi?" a voice called quietly.
She froze. I'm hallucinating his voice. Wait, I remember something about that.
"Hoshi, I know you're awake. Please let me know you're okay." The voice was starting to sound desperate. "If...if you don't want to talk to me, I'll go get the doctor."
Her eyes shot open. "Jon?"
He was leaning over her, and the look of relief on his face made her want to cry. "How are you feeling?"
She looked around her. Sickbay? "What happened?"
His face tightened. "You collapsed in the mess hall. Dehydration, malnutrition, and exhaustion according to the doctor. What the hell did you think you were doing?"
She struggled to sit upright and he stepped back. "Trying to do my job, Captain."
"When did the job become more important than your health?"
"When the job became all I have." She dropped back on the bed and turned her face away from him, shaking from the exertion and the emotions.
"Captain!" Dr. Phlox sounded annoyed as he bustled into the curtained area. "I did not allow you to stay with Ensign Sato in order to give her a lecture and upset her further."
Hoshi closed her eyes as she heard Jon say, "You're right. I should go." She refused to give in to the tears.
Phlox made an untranslatable noise, a sort of alien combination of a snort and a sigh. "Captain. That is not what I said." A pause, and Hoshi suspected they were both looking at her, but she couldn't force herself to open her eyes and look at them. "Have you thought about what I told you earlier?" Phlox asked.
"Yes," Jon said slowly, "but I'm not any closer to an answer."
"Then perhaps, and I know this is a radical notion, perhaps you should discuss this problem with Ensign Sato."
She heard Phlox shuffle out, and she swallowed as she sensed Jon coming nearer.
He gently took her hand. "Dr. Phlox is right. We need to talk."
She turned her head and looked up at him, feeling bewildered and confused and tired. Her mind swam with all the emotions of the last months, all the problems they faced, the lack of an obvious solution.
She held his hand like a lifeline and tried to articulate what she was thinking. She looked at him for a long moment.
"Jon, why aren't you wearing any pants?"
JustVisiting
Jonathan looked down at his bare legs, unable to suppress a smile. He did look funny standing in sickbay with only boxers and a T-shirt on. He glanced back at Hoshi's pale face and sighed. I have been an ass, he thought. Worse, I've been an ass to someone I care about.
Hoshi stared back, her eyes unusually dark. Her pupils were dilated and her breathing seemed erratic. "Captain..."
"Jon," said Jonathan, interrupting. He stifled a groan of dismay as Hoshi retreated further under the blankets. I have been a selfish ass, he thought fiercely.
"Yes, you have," said Hoshi, her tone emphatic. She coughed lightly.
Jonathan was by her side in a flash. He lay his hand over hers. "I guess I was thinking out loud just then."
Hoshi slipped her hands away from his. "Loud enough." She closed her eyes with a sigh.
He studied her face. She had lost weight. Her cheeks cut a stronger angle, even under the dim lights. My fault, he thought, careful not to voice his words aloud.
"It's not your fault," said Hoshi, as if reading his mind. Her voice was soft and low. Jonathan had to strain to catch her words. "Not entirely. I should've known. I did know. Silly of me not to foresee this. I guess I didn't want to imagine it." She shifted to her side, turning her back to him.
Jonathan reached out to touch her on the shoulder, then hesitated. He knew she did not want his pity. He dropped his hand to his side. "Hoshi." There was no response. "Hoshi, if I could do this over..."
"What would you do, Captain?"
He winced then. Her neutral tone hurt as much as if she had been crying. "Hoshi, I'm not sure." He stared at the display above her head. "I don't regret what we did, but I do regret what this has led to. Especially for you."
The silence seemed to stretch forever.
He took a deep breath. The ball was still in his court. "I take responsibility for this, Hoshi. I knew. I've been in Starfleet all my life. I knew. A relationship like this can only end up hurting both parties, especially the one with the lower rank."
"That would be me then," said Hoshi, her voice quiet.
Jonathan waited, but she seemed to withdraw once again. "It hurts me too. I know I haven't shown it, but it hurts me too. I wish..."
"Wishes won't do anything," she said. She twisted around again. Wisps of hair lay askew around her face.
He resisted the urge to smooth the strands back into place.
"We're both adults here," she said. "I knew as much as you what the consequences could be. Would be." She ran her hands over the blanket. "So don't stand there sounding so noble, so sacrificing. I don't think I can stand it." She stared down at her hands, then up again.
"It's all right, Captain. I understand. I've been stupid. Stupid to let this affect me so badly." She laughed, a shaky sound. "I haven't done this to myself since I was a teenager."
"You're no teenager," he said, his voice more intense than he had intended.
She ran a hand through her hair, pulling the stray strands away from her face. "No, but that was only six or seven years ago for me. What were you doing then?"
Being a Commander, he thought with a start. He had not considered the difference in their ages before. Hoshi's stellar reputation as a linguist was one that normally took decades to acquire. He had been thinking of her as a peer. Damn, she's really just a kid.
"Don't you look at me like that," she said, her expression suddenly fierce. "Don't you do that to me."
"Do what," asked Jonathan. Was she a mind reader as well?
"That look. I know that look. The one that says 'she's just a kid.'"
She is a mind reader, thought Jonathan.
"Don't ever confuse age with maturity," she continued. "Take me for what I am. Not for how old I happen to be."
"Then why did you bring it up," he asked, his tone neutral.
"I didn't mean to. It doesn't mean anything to me. But I've finally realized how colossally stupid I've been. To work myself into sickbay." She gave a delicate snort. "Almost like reverting back to those times."
"You're being harsh on yourself, Hoshi. I can't say I've been behaving with any maturity either." He ran a hand through his hair, trying to organize his thoughts. "Avoidance never works. Especially on a small ship." He gave her an apologetic look. "I should've sat down with you and hashed this out long time ago."
Hoshi sighed. "It works both ways, Captain. I should've insisted on that too."
He gazed at her in silence. "So we're agreed then," he said, finally. "We're both to blame."
Surprisingly, her lips quirked upwards. "Should we lash ourselves with wet noodles now?"
Jonathan laughed once. He had missed her sense of humor. "I think Chef might object to the waste of food."
"Oh, I don't know. I can think of a few uses," Hoshi said airily.
He blinked.
"Sorry, Captain," she said instantly. "I've put you in a bad spot, haven't I."
"We've agreed we're equally to blame."
"Then what's next?"
Jonathan glanced away.
"If you're not going to say it, then I will," said Hoshi. "Friendship. That's what you were going to say, isn't it?"
He looked at her again. She seemed to steel herself for his answer. He lay a hand gently on her shoulder. "Yes, Hoshi. Friendship. That's all we can be. For now."
She sat silently, then lifted a hand to cover his. "Okay, Jonathan. We play by Starfleet rules then."
"It's all we can do," he said. He felt her hand slide away.
"So we start over."
"Yes," he said. This is not going to be easy, he thought. Even now, he wanted to pull her into his arms, to hold her close.
"All right," she said. Folding the blanket down to her waist, she looked back up at him. "If it's the only way."
Jonathan could not think of another solution. "It is," he said quietly.
She folded her hands together. "Very well. I'm Hoshi Sato. Ensign Sato." She waited, her expression serene.
"Nice to meet you, Ensign. I'm Jonathan Archer. Captain Archer."
"Captain."
"Ensign."
There was a moment of silence.
"I hope we don't have to spend the entire journey calling each other by our titles," she said, finally.
"No," he agreed. His heart felt heavy at the thought.
"But no man is worth getting this sick over."
Jonathan felt both his eyebrows rising. Is she letting go? Giving up?
She glanced up at him with a serious expression. "I don't know why I did that to myself." She narrowed her eyes, staring at the ceiling thoughtfully. "I guess I wasn't thinking very clearly."
How can she work herself into this state and then give it up so easily? Strangely, he felt betrayed. This is what she must've felt, he thought.
"But then, neither are you," she said. She leaned over the side of her bed and swept a glance from his feet to his head. One eyebrow rose delicately. "You do realize, Captain, that you're out of uniform?" She settled back. "How do you propose on explaining that attire to the rest of your crew?"
He glanced at the sickbay chronometer. Alpha shift was about to start. His shift. He heard Hoshi chuckle. "You know," he said slowly. "I don't have the foggiest clue." He smiled down at her. His heart lurched when she smiled back.
"Go back to sleep, Hoshi," he said gently. "We can talk later."
She nodded and closed her eyes, looking peaceful at last.
He waited until she fell back asleep, then turned away. At the doors, he paused. Beyond the glass, he saw crew members walk by. He glanced down at his boxers and grimaced. Bracing himself for the inevitable, he opened the doors and stepped into the corridor.
"Captain," said a familiar drawl. "What the hell are you doing in skivvies?"
jyorraku
Hoshi heard Trip's incredulous exclamation as the doors to sickbay closed. She could hear the footsteps taking Jonathon and Trip away from sickbay. It was quiet again, Dr. Phlox still wandering around out there, probably getting a bite to eat. With her eyes closed, she could still feel the white and sterile atmosphere of sickbay all around her. Taking a deep breath, she held it there. A few seconds later, her natural inclination was to exhale. To exhale in order to inhale again. Her lungs were aching in protest, but she held on. Held on until she felt blackness closing in around her.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Air rushed back into her lungs, sweet and precious. Her heart wasn't in pieces. It pounded steadily in her chest, merely tired from the exertion. She didn't break, though she knew she came close. Recalling the events that brought her to sickbay, she realized how absurd it was to revolve her world around a man when the universe and all its wonders were still out there. She'd worked so hard to get here, the nights that she stayed home to listen to recordings instead of being out with her friends, the birthdays she missed while touring with some obscure tribe at some remote corner of the Earth. Everything she'd ever done, she almost recklessly gave it away to someone who already had too much to carry. Captain Jonathan Archer, the first deep space explorer, out here to fulfill his father's dream and his own destiny.
She did love him, she realized that now. It wasn't just stupidity that drove her to collapse during his absence. It was the haunting illusions of happiness and love that drove her misery. Happiness that was, in real life, fleeting like words, spoken one minute, gone the next. Now all she could do was store the memory in the back of her mind, treasured but no longer vivid. Jonathan Archer, just two more words to remember and to forget. No one ever said it would be simple. She inhaled again. Then again, maybe it was. No matter who he was, he could not be more necessary to her life than air.
So for now, just breathe. Hoshi smiled to herself as she drifted off to sleep. I think I can do that.
* * * * *
Josephine
"Captain, a call coming in from Admiral Forrest."
"Thank you, Ensign, I'll take it in my ready room."
Walking into his office, Archer wondered what Forrest wanted. Thumbing on the screen, the Admiral's face came into view.
"Archer. How are you?"
"Fine sir. And yourself?"
"Fine, fine. I wanted to talk to you about your upcoming year-end reviews."
Archer automatically became wary.
"Everyone looks good, within the norms for a tour we had no idea what would happen on, except one."
Archer knew whom Forrest meant. He had noticed it too, had hoped the talk they had a month and a half ago would have helped, but ... Archer brought himself back to the conversation with the Admiral.
"Your Comm. Officer, Ensign Sato; her performance ratings have been erratic. They were well above the norm the first few months, then took a nose dive at the six month mark, and have come up, but not steadily. What's going on?"
"Star Fleet has never really addressed the issue of...long term inter-departmental relationships on deep space vessels, especially the Enterprise. Have they given any more thought to it?"
"Are you saying that Ensign Sato has fallen in love with another officer?"
"Yes."
"Does he, or she, return the Ensign's regard?"
"Yes."
"We have been trying to come up with protocol for ships such as yours; if the relationship doesn't interfere with their duties, there shouldn't be a problem."
"It's not as easy as that." Archer looked at Forrest.
The Admiral leaned back in his chair. "It's you, isn't it?"
Archer took a deep breath. "Yes."
"You started a relationship with someone under your command?"
"It started when I went to convince her to come aboard Enterprise. We knew we couldn't have a relationship once she became active, but we didn't count on..."
"Falling in love."
"Yes."
"I don't know what to say, Jon. If it were anyone else, hell, even Commander Tucker, I'd say have at it. But as the Captain...on the other hand from what the psychologists tell us, it would be unhealthy for you, or anyone, not to form romantic attachments while you're out there. Apparently, humans need relationships like that." Forrest sighed.
"I'm going to have to refer this to the head of Star Fleet Psychology, Jon. He'll probably want to talk to you and Ensign Sato. And you can tell the rest of your crew that they can start dating, even within the chain-of-command, as long as it doesn't affect their job performance. But not between enlisted and officer. That's one thing the head honchos wouldn't budge on. I'll have Admiral Elpers contact you later. Forrest out."
Archer looked at the blank screen, not wanting to let himself hope that he could have something more with Hoshi than the tenuous 'friendship' they'd had for the past six weeks. He still dreamt of her, still woke up expecting her to be next to him. But it was a dull ache, one he could put to the back of his mind while he went about his duties.
He hoped Admiral Elpers wouldn't take long.
jyorraku
* * * * *
"Captain, you wanted to see me?"
Hoshi approached Archer's desk as she entered his ready room.
Jon studied his communications officer for a brief moment. The lines of fatigue were gone. Her eyes no longer wary, her cheeks no longer hollow. She looked at him expectantly, passively. As would an officer waiting for her next assignment from a superior officer. Nothing to give away that she felt anything other than duty upon stepping into his ready room.
What was he to feel now? Relieved? Hurt? Angry? Relieved that she was able to block out all that happened between them? Hurt that he could no longer see himself in her eyes? Angry that she was making it seem so easy?
"Sir?" Hoshi tilted her head questioningly, her neck arching in a graceful curve.
Archer blinked and clenched his jaw.
"I'd like this report to go out shipwide through the personnel channels," Archer ordered, keeping his voice even as he handed a padd to her.
Taking the padd swiftly from his hand, she perused its contents. When she finished, she looked back up at him with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.
"I'll get on it right away, sir."
She was almost to the door when he spoke.
"You're not going to say anything?"
Hoshi turned around slowly and glanced at him curiously as she inhaled, "What would you like me to say, sir?"
On his lap, his fist clenched at her placid question. If that was the way it had to be... "I would like to hear your personal thoughts, Ensign, if it's not too much trouble, about Starfleet's new interpersonnel relationship protocols. The same protocols you have in your hand."
Josephine
"I'm sure the crew will be happy to know about the revised regulations." Hoshi looked at him blandly.
Archer's chest tightened at the apparent lack of interest Hoshi had in the new rules. Maybe she's just protecting herself again...
"Thank you, Ensign. That is all." Jon watched Hoshi leave his ready room. He hoped again that Admiral Elpers would get back to him soon.
The effect the new regulations had on the crew was immediate; Archer could tell as soon as he walked in the mess hall that evening. More than three-quarters of the tables were couples only. Chef had even outdone himself with the menu.
Striding to the wardroom, Archer nearly stopped dead at the sight of Hoshi and a Lieutenant at a corner table. She was listening intently at something the crewman was saying, then laughed aloud, a beatific smile gracing her face.
That smile...Jon resolutely continued on, passing through the wardroom door with a barely discernable scowl on his face. He sat down and looked around at the table. "Just us tonight?"
T'Pol looked up from her salad. "Yes. Commander Tucker and Lieutenant Reed have 'dates'." Archer could swear the last word had an inflection of distaste to it.
"And Vulcans on deep space exploration ships don't 'date'?"
"No. Either bonded couples serve on the same ship, or the entire crew is on the same cycle and the ship goes back to Vulcan every seven years. Otherwise, they are celibate, controlling their base desires."
"I'm envious," Archer said in an undertone. T'Pol raised an eyebrow, but as Archer didn't elaborate, the rest of the meal was finished in silence.
The next few days saw Hoshi having lunch and dinner, even breakfast, with a string of different crewmen. Jon noticed there was one particular Lieutenant j.g. that she saw a lot of. A great deal of, in fact.
He had felt many things in this relationship with Hoshi, it had run the gamut from joy to despair, but there was one emotion Jon hadn't touched on and was just beginning to feel: jealousy.
When is that damn Admiral going to call?
Chrysa
* * * * *
Apparently, it would be sooner than he thought. It was early the next day when the call came through.
Admiral James Elpers brushed a hand through his salt-and-pepper hair and sat back in his chair. "Good morning, Captain Archer. I hear you decided to keep my team and I up late by falling in love with your comm officer." He smiled gently, projecting a sense of calm.
Jon smiled ruefully. "Life doesn't always go quite as you expected."
Elpers nodded in understanding. "Well, we have been discussing it. It wouldn't be healthy for you not to become involved with someone given the duration of your mission and the distance you'll be away from home."
Jon smiled. "That's good to know."
"But-"
"How did I know you were going to say that?"
Elpers chuckled. "Because there's always a 'but'. For you it's more difficult because everybody is your subordinate. The lines have to be clearly drawn on your work life and your personal life. The two of you will be closely watched by your crew and us here at Starfleet. You can't be seen to show Ensign Sato favoritism. Reviews of any sort will have to be done by another officer."
"Sounds all right so far." Jon said slowly mulling it over. Reviews were easy. Trip, T'Pol, or even Reed could do those.
"There's also the...stigma of being the 'captain's woman.' Depending on how your crew reacts to the idea of the two of you dating she may be in for a rough time." Before Archer could respond to that Elpers said something else. "And of course there is the death issue."
An eyebrow went up. "Death issue?"
All the humor drained out of Elpers face. "As Ensign Sato's captain, would you, if the need arose, be able to order her to her death?"
jyorraku
Archer looked down for a brief moment, and when he returned his eyes to the Admiral, his eyes were hard and unflinching. "I won't endanger our mission, Admiral. I'll do whatever it takes."
Elpers nodded. "Hopefully it won't come to that, Captain," Elpers replied gently, satisfied with Archer's response. "Good luck, Captain. I'm sure you'll agree where women come in, luck is needed on all sides."
Archer thought about Hoshi and that lieutenant, eating dinner and laughing in the mess hall. He gave the Admiral a tight smile. "Thank you, Admiral. I appreciate it."
The screen blinked out, leaving Archer to the overwhelming silence of his ready room. He hadn't really given the Admiral a straight answer, he realized. Would he be able to order Hoshi to her death? Or for that matter, anyone else on the ship? He'd never had the chance to do so in his previous stations. Along with the promotion to Captain came that ultimate responsibility. He knew how to give Starfleet the textbook answers, but when push came to shove, would he do it?
He buried his head in his hands, feeling the jumble of emotions from the past few days churning within him. His shoulders ached with the burden of responsibilities, expectations, and dreams. Yet he could almost feel Hoshi's hands sliding across them, soothing him with her melodious voice, making him forget that he was Captain of the Enterprise. In her gentle embrace, he was just Jonathan Archer, a man that she loved.
Did she love him? Did she still? He wasn't sure anymore, and he found that to be more frightening than anything the universe could possibly throw at him. His temples ached as he remembered each and every single one of Hoshi's smiles that was not meant for him.
What if it was too late?
Mara
Archer shook his head. If I'm going to think like that, I might as well give up now, and then I'll have kept the Admiral and his staff up at night for nothing. For the moment, I *have* to believe she still has feelings for me. If not, well, I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.
The question remained: what to do now?
Call her to the ready room and announce "The Admiral says it's okay"? Too pushy.
Send her a note? Too impersonal.
Announce it at a staff meeting as an addendum to the previous regulations? Absolutely not.
He scrubbed his face with his hands. I can't just sweep her off her feet and carry her to my cabin. As tempting as that thought is. He groaned at the images his overtired brain brought forth.
Pacing the cabin, he pondered. I can't burst into her cabin and announce it. But I can't just send her updated regulations either. There has to be some kind of in-between here.
He stopped in his tracks, staring blindly at the pictures of ships on the wall in front of him. In-between...go-between. Maybe I could talk to Trip and he could talk to her. That way I wouldn't be there to pressure her, but it wouldn't be so impersonal. Hell, he's been trying to get me to talk about Hoshi for weeks. He'll be thrilled to be able to get involved.
Archer examined the plan from several angles, wincing at a few major flaws. But it's still the best plan I've got, and I didn't become Captain of the Enterprise because I was timid. Waiting isn't going to make this any easier.
He punched the comm system savagely, "Archer to Tucker."
"Tucker here. What can I do ya for, Cap'n?"
"Can you meet me in my ready room?"
"Is there something wrong?"
"No, no, not wrong. I just need to talk to you. It's personal, not ship business."
"Okay, be there as soon as I can."
* * * * *
Trip leaned back in the chair and studied his Captain and his friend. "So, what you're telling me is that Starfleet says it's okay to go ahead, but you're not sure how she feels."
Archer was staring out the porthole at the stars. His voice was pained as he said, "Yes. A few weeks ago, hell, even a few days ago, I would have said without any hesitation that I knew how she felt about me. But now..." He trailed off.
Trip leaned forward. "We've both seen her with various other members of the crew."
Archer nodded.
"You're afraid she's moved on."
"And if she has, I can't insist she relive all the pain she went through."
Trip's heart lurched at the sound of the pain in his friend's voice. "To repeat what I said before, you've got it bad."
Archer nodded again.
"And you want me to go talk to her, tell her what Starfleet has said. Plead your case?"
"No. Yes. I don't know." Archer turned his chair back around. "I need to find a way to tell her that doesn't pressure her, but isn't impersonal either. You're my friend, Trip. She knows that, and she'll know what I'm saying by sending you."
"She will?"
"She will."
Trip studied the Captain, seeing the signs of little sleep and a lot of stress. "How long have you been waitin' for this message from Starfleet?"
"Too long. Will you do it?"
"We've been friends for a long time. Did you doubt I'd help my buddy in his time of need?"
Archer smiled the first genuine smile Trip had seen on his face in a long time. "No, I don't think I did."
Josephine
* * * * *
"Hey, Hosh, can I talk to you a minute?" Trip walked up to Hoshi, finding her eating alone for once.
"Sure, Trip, sit down."
Trip set his tray on the table, then slid into a chair. He poked at his food for a moment, trying to find the right words.
"Well?" He looked up, meeting Hoshi's expectant gaze.
"So it's pretty neat that Star Fleet relaxed the regulations for fraternizin' between officers, since we're on a deep space mission." He glanced obliquely at her, trying to gauge her reaction.
"Yes, it's opened up a lot of friendships."
Trip thought of the Lieutenant j.g. Hoshi had been seen with. "Yeah, it sure has." A worried frown flitted across his face. He sat in silence, thinking.
"Trip? ...did you want to ask me on a date?"
Trip stared at her, almost in shock. "No! No, I didn't," he blurted out.
Hoshi sat back, affronted.
Aw, hell ... Trip tried to recover. "You know, they relaxed the regs about the Cap'n datin' members of the crew too ..." His voice trailed off as Hoshi's face hardened.
"Did he send you here or are you doing this on your own?" Hoshi's voice was deceptively soft.
"The Cap'n ... I mean, Jon asked me to talk to you to see how you still felt about him, he hoped ..."
Hoshi leaned forward. "You tell the *Captain* that if he wants to know how I feel about him, he needs to do it himself, instead of acting like he's thirteen and sending his best friend in to do the job for him!" She stood up, still glaring at Trip. She started to say something else, then stopped herself, turning and almost running out of the mess hall.
Trip just stared after her, realizing he had royally screwed up his friend's chances on winning back the woman he loved. He held on to two pieces of hope, though, Hoshi wouldn't have been so mad if she didn't somehow care, and neither would she have been so close to tears as she ran out.
* * * * *
Hoshi slowed her run to a fast walk once outside the mess hall, trying to get her emotions under control. So he can date now ...
"T'Pol to Ensign Sato."
"Sato here."
"You have a call from Starfleet, Ensign. Admiral Elpers."
"I'll be right there." Admiral who? What does he want with me?
catseye
Hoshi swore softly in several languages as she made her way to the bridge. As she stepped off the turbolift she saw Jon swivel around in his chair to look intensely at her. Her step faltered for a moment before she made her way towards the Captain's ready room.
Archer watched, knowing that Admiral Elpers and possibly his future with Hoshi rested behind the closed door of his ready room.
Hoshi took a moment to gather herself, inhaling deeply several times. She seated herself behind Archer's desk, her toes just barely grazing the floor as she sat in his large chair. Her hands skimmed the arms, imagining they were Jon's arms beneath her fingers and not the cool leather of the chair.
She straightened her back and hit the button to the comm channel.
Admiral Elpers' face filled the screen.
"Ensign Sato," the man greeted Hoshi.
"Admiral," she replied, matching the man's even and cool tone.
"Captain Archer has informed the crew on Enterprise regarding the new fraternization policy issued by Starfleet?"
"Yes, sir."
"And did Captain Archer also inform you that the policy has been extended to himself?"
Hoshi remembered the debacle in the mess hall with Trip minutes early and gave a curt nod. "I am aware of that, sir."
Elpers glanced sharply at the young woman. "Captain Archer also informs me that he has...formed an attachment to a member of his crew."
Hoshi did not reply, but merely waited.
"Ensign Sato, I'm not going to pussy-foot around. Let me be blunt. I am aware that you and Jonathan Archer had a relationship prior to your entry into Starfleet. I am also aware that he still harbors feelings, extremely deep feelings he has led me to believe, for you. Is that or is that not true?"
"Sir," Hoshi began as she felt her cheeks begin to warm, "If Starfleet has set protocols allowing relationships between crewmembers, including the Captain, I fail to understand, being blunt, what business it is of Starfleet's what my feelings are." There! I don't care if I get busted for this! Busybodies!
Elpers looked taken aback. But then, to Hoshi's surprise, gave her a grudging smile.
"I see part of the reason why Jon's attracted to you," Elpers commented. "Ensign, I'll be candid with you. I've known Jon Archer since he was twelve years old. All he ever wanted to do was explore the universe and fly. Now, Starfleet has agreed that it would be healthy for everyone on Enterprise, given the long period of exploration you all are on, to form some type of relationship. And given the choices, we'd like to see those relationships be with humans rather than some alien species.
"However, Jon's the first captain on a mission of this magnitude. The future of Earth exploration is riding on him and how he conducts himself. A lot of people want him to fail and I'm not just talking about the Vulcans. There's a huge isolationist movement on Earth and we can't have any mistakes that could have been avoided with a little forethought."
"And you think I might be something that will cause a mistake," Hoshi said sharply.
"Now don't get your feathers ruffled, young lady," Elpers replied, holding up his hands. "The problem is that you are a unique officer. Not only are you communications, but you're Jon's linguist and more often than not you're going to be on the front lines more than anyone else and Jon's going to have to send you there. While I don't think either of you would ever be unprofessional and avoid a mission, I just know that sending you into potentially dangerous situations will eat away at Jon every single time until there's nothing left of him.
"Pretty soon, he'll start making mistakes. Hell, I can already tell he's distracted and not on top of his game. Earth can't afford that in a Captain, not when the stakes are so high."
Hoshi considered the Admiral's words for a moment. She licked her lips and looked back at the screen. "What are you suggesting?"
"Enterprise will be crossing path with a Vulcan ship in about eight days. I can arrange for your transfer off Enterprise and to another ship or back to Earth. With your experience and expertise, you could have any position you want." The Admiral leaned forward and his voice took on an urgent note.
"I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of this new policy, but I can't order you back because of it. But I can lay it all out there for you, Ensign. Having a relationship with you could end Jon's career. I don't think anyone wants to see that happen."
Hoshi looked down at her hands. "No," she said softly, "No one wants to see that happen."
Elpers leaned back in his chair and Hoshi did not see the relieved smile on his face. "Let me know before the eight days are up and I'll make the arrangements if you decide to leave Enterprise. I'm glad we had this talk, Ensign. Elpers out."
The Elper's image blinked out and the Starfleet logo appeared on the screen.
Hoshi just sat in Archer's too-big chair, staring at her hands clasped in her lap.
* * * * *
jyorraku
The door chimed. Startled out of her thoughts, Hoshi squinted at the door, as if seeing it for the very first time.
"Hoshi, are you all right?" Jon asked at the door, trying to restrain from letting himself in. What the hell did Elpers say to her? She's been in there for a good hour.
It was Jon. Oh God, it was Jon. Suddenly she wanted to laugh at the hilarity of it all. Him chiming on the door of his own ready room waiting for her permission to come in. Captain of the Enterprise scared to go inside his own damn ready room.
He should be scared.
After all, Admiral Elpers said she could be one to end his career. Not the Vulcans, not the Suliban, not the Klingons, but Ensign Hoshi Sato.
Little ol' me.
She started to tremble so hard that she had to hug herself to keep from falling off his chair. Biting violently into her lip, she swallowed the sounds of anguish that threatened to bubble over. Her breaths came in rapid heaves that rattled her lungs.
She could leave. In the back of her mind, when she and Jon where making their peace as friends in Sickbay, she always knew that she could just leave. It hadn't come to that. But now . . . now that they could be together, she couldn't let it happen. Because she was too valuable an officer, a linguist that had to be on the front lines. If she had been a assistant engineer, a botanist, an astrometrics technician . . . she probably wouldn't even have been picked to be on the Enterprise. She would have never met Jon. Never felt his touch, never returned his kiss, never...never loved at all.
Why?
Didn't fate believe she was strong enough? She'd been ready to stick to friendship, she truly was. She even got to know a few of the men on the ship better. The new regulations applied to her too, there was no reason she couldn't put it to good use. No reason to wallow in the misery that would only make the both of them suffer.
She bit her lip and got through it. She just breathed and got through it. Hoshi thought she had made tremendous progress. That is until Trip spoke to her, his news crumbling her fragile walls. Anger rioted in her heart when she finally understood Trip's words, but there was also hope, springing back from the eternal darkness of her memories with Jon. It was the same hope that crashed and burned brightly behind her eyes as Admiral Elpers spoke to her. Now, feeling tears trickling down her cheeks, Hoshi knew she'd reached the limit. There were only so many ways to forget.
"Come in," she heard herself say, somewhere in her jumbled thoughts she was still mindful of him waiting behind the door.
Hoshi studied his profile as the door opened. Adonis. A beautiful creature made of passions that drove him to the outer edges of the universe. He was meant to be here among the stars. To take that away from him would be to kill him in the slowest possible way. She didn't want to be the one to wield the knife, she couldn't. She loved him too much.
Jon stepped in, looking ill at ease, almost afraid to meet her eyes. When he did, his gut twisted at the tears in her eyes and the wet paths they drew on her cheeks.
"Hoshi," he whispered with an aching longing that he had kept hidden for the past month. He reached into the air between them, wanting to touch her, wanting to drive away the haunted look in her eyes. What could Admiral Elpers have said? Did she want him back?
Hoshi reached for him, and as their fingers touched her heart rejoiced in happiness and cried in despair. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, her tears mixing with his skin, and whispered, "Love me."
Exhaling in a rough hiss, Jon said nothing, letting his actions speak his words as he lifted her into his arms and carried her into the darkness of his quarters next door.
Finally back in his embrace after a long and torturing absence, Hoshi began to explore each and every single inch of Jonathan Archer. This time she wouldn't try to forget. This time she would remember. And take those memories with her when she left the Enterprise.
* * * * *
Josephine
Hoshi stood with her duffel bag, waiting for the shuttle to take her the Vulcan ship. She was silent, staring ahead, but not seeing anything in particular.
Trip was standing beside her, also staring straight ahead, also not saying anything. He had done enough talking over the past eight days for eight months, and couldn't think of anything else that would convince her to stay.
Malcolm was doing the final check of the shuttle, and would take Hoshi over in ten minutes. He didn't quite understand what was going on, or exactly why Hoshi was leaving, only that she and the Captain, and to some extent, Trip, had been acting very weird the past few days.
Jon wasn't there. Hoshi didn't expect him to be; he had made his feelings about her, and her leaving, clear. She knew he didn't understand why she had to leave, why she couldn't stay. Jon had his life ahead of him, filled with exploring the universe; and while he could have friends, he couldn't have the burden of loving someone like her. Someone who could be out there in the thick of things.
Hoshi bowed her head as the memories of the past eight days came flooding back, a lone tear trickling down her cheek.
* * * * *
Eight days ago:
Warm within the circle of Jon's arms, Hoshi lay with her cheek on his chest. She could feel his heartbeat; feel his rhythmic breathing as he slept. They had been slow at first, coming from the ready room, then become almost uncontrollable as the bottled-up passions of the previous weeks had come to the fore. She allowed herself one last moment to feel all of him, to commit him to memory, then slowly moved out of his embrace. Hoshi got dressed, still looking at Jon, then without a backward glace left his cabin.
Making her way to the bridge, she sat down at the Comm. station and sent her agreement to Admiral Elpers to meet the Vulcan ship in eight days. She would determine her next duty station after she got back to Earth.
Leaving the bridge, Hoshi went to find Trip, finally discovering him in the mess hall eating pecan pie. She handed him a padd.
"What's this?" he mumbled around a bite of pie.
Hoshi looked at a spot six inches above Trip's head. "My new orders. I will be transferring over to a Vulcan ship in eight days, which will take me back to Earth. I'll begin training Ensign Luer on my duties, to take over until my replacement comes."
Trip nearly choked on his pie. "New orders?! You're leaving?"
"Yes."
"For Gawd's sake, why?"
"Personal reasons."
"Hoshi! You can't go! The Cap'n loves you. You're everything to him."
"Enterprise, and her mission, are everything to him, Trip. He doesn't need me as a distraction."
"You're not a distraction!" He thought a moment. "Does Jon know?"
"No. As the first officer, you're the one to come to with matters like this."
"Are you going to tell him?"
"..."
"You have to tell him, Hoshi. I can't, I won't. It has to come from you."
"... I'll tell him."
"Good. Maybe he can talk some sense into ya."
jyorraku
* * * * *
Hoshi stood at the door of the ready room, her hand holding a report that Archer had requested from her. Yet, her mind was not on the report. This would be the first time they would see each other since last night. Trip already knew about her transfer. She had to tell him now. Before she came on duty, she already rehearsed everything she was going to say to Jon. But now, as she stood at the threshold of his door, she found it hard just to ring the chime. Somehow, after taking several deep breaths, she found the strength.
You're strong, Jon. This could only make things easier for you.
"Come in," came the summons.
Hoshi went in. Jon kept his eyes downward, studying something on his padd, but from the crooked curve of his lips, she could tell he knew it was her. Squaring her shoulders, she prepared to give the performance of a lifetime.
"I've got the report you wanted, Captain," Hoshi said as she leaned in close to place her padd next to his hands. Her mouth was centimeters away from his ear, her breasts pressing against his wide shoulders.
Jon suppressed a shudder at their close proximity. He cleared his throat and managed with reasonable steadiness, "Thank you, Ensign."
Her mouth was so close now, he could feel her smile at his reply. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, remembering her smiles from last night.
Hoshi noted his discomfort, valiantly ignored the painful jerks of her heart, and forged bravely ahead.
"Jon--" she started to whisper, her hands moving across his uniform collar.
Archer caught her hand. "Hoshi, we're still on duty," he protested begrudgingly. But he didn't bother to stop her when she turned his chair around and straddled him until they were hip to hip. His hands came naturally to her waist. Whether it was to stop her from moving any further or just to keep her there, he wasn't even sure anymore. Her intoxicating scent enveloped him until he couldn't feel anything but the pressure and the friction of her body over his. And his hands, his cursed hands, were starting to roam over her soft curves.
Hoshi nipped at his neck, murmuring, "I just thought since we only have eight days now, that you'd want to make the most of it."
Jon's hands stilled. He yanked her away from him so quickly that she had to place her hands on his chest just to balance herself. His heart started to pound in dread. Something wasn't right. Even if they were back together, Hoshi wasn't the type to start crawling all over him when they were both on duty. He looked into her face, "What do you mean, eight days?"
Hoshi feigned confusion. Then realization. "I didn't tell you last night, did I?" she asked cautiously.
His hands tightened instinctively into her flesh. She gasped at the sudden gesture but he drew her face upright until they were eye to eye. "What didn't you tell me?"
She blinked at him. "I'm being transferred. There's a Vulcan ship here to pick me up in eight days."
"Why? I thought--" Panic started to rise in him.
Hoshi inhaled sharply, "You thought...you thought that we were back together?"
Why did she sound so incredulous?!
"This," she gestured between them, "This...last night. It was just something for old times sake. For your efforts."
"My efforts?" It was his turn to be astonished, not to mention outright confused.
Hoshi moved away from him to stand on her own. "I know you spoke to Starfleet about us, convinced them to change the regulations, but I was ready to just be friends, Jon." She wet her lips nervously and continued, "I thought we had agreed to be friends, but Elpers told me you still had feelings for me. But...what happened between us, it hurt so much. I can't go through that again. Whatever feelings I had..."
Jon's face was turning into a shade of dark that she'd never seen before, but she knew she had to continue, to break it off completely. He would be stronger for it. "I just didn't want to make it hard for you," she said, the one truthful thing that was from her heart.
"So you requested to be transferred off the Enterprise," Jon finished for her, his voice oddly flat.
Swallowing the lump in her throat, Hoshi replied, driving in the final nail that sealed her fate, "Yes."
She watched in complete despair as Jon struggled to keep his emotions in check. The muscles of his jaw clenched and flexed, marring his handsome face. Going against every cell of her body, Hoshi leaned into him, "You tried, I'm flattered. There's no reason why we can't spend these last days--"
Jon threw her arms away from him.
"Get out."
Her lip trembled from the effort to keep her pain from crying out. Disgust, anger, and hatred burned in his eyes. She felt herself die in the conflagration. But outwardly, she shrugged lightly.
"I'm sorry it had to come to this, Jon. Best of luck to you and the Enterprise." With that, Hoshi turned and walked out of the Ready Room.
--continued in part 3--