Thanks for the reviews, guys! I 'ppreciate it and stuff! Eh now don't ya know!
It's 7:00! Time for the next installment of…Digital Bean Smoothie: Uncut and Uncensored!
*Theme music to the show starts playing. It is, of course, "Ignition: The Remix" by R. Kelly. Pictures flash across the screen as well as various sound bites from upcoming episodes including:
"I HATE THIS *&^%$## HOUSE! *&^ DAMN YOU, RICH!"
"Stop using my vibrating bed! I'M SERIOUS!"
"This isn't Burger King. You can't have it your way!"
"Take those Lalaine pictures down, you &^%hole!"
"Who was shagging in the secret passage last night?"
"I HATE THIS *&&^^%$#@ HOUSE! I have to do laundry every damn day because people keep *)&&^%$$ in my bed!"
"Go to hell!"
"EWWWWWWW! There's something growing in here!"
*The opening ends and the camera fades in to reveal the host*
"Hi, I'm Bob Saget. Welcome to the next installment of Digital Bean Smoothie: Uncut and Uncensored. Last week you saw our seven Fromiez gather for the first time at Fro Manor, which was originally designed by Lizzie McGuire star Adam Lamberg. He also happens to live next door to our stars, which could prove to be interesting. I want to thank you all for your calls as well. We had a few callers ask about what celebrities also live in the neighborhood. You'll have to stay tuned to find out, but let's just say that a certain movie star who made classics such as Meet the Parents and Mystery Men might be popping by sometime soon! With that in mind, let's return to our Fromiez, who have just received a mysterious package."
*camera fades out*
"We need to get Rich back inside the house," Kelly said authoritatively, taking the oddly-shaped package away from Kim. "It says to ALL the Fromiez, so he needs to get his scrawny arse back in here – like right now!"
"Don't worry, he'll be back," Kim replied coolly. "He's just sitting outside sulking by the pool. I'll go see what his deal is."
Kim marched outside and found Rich sitting next to the pool with his feet in the water. He was scowling and looked rather upset.
"Dude, what's your problem? You need to come back into the house. We got a package on our doorstep. It might be a mission." She told him.
"So?" Rich sniffled and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "You don't need me anyway. You can do the mission without me."
"Give me a break! We can't do a mission without all of the Fromiez. Stop crying, we all love you." Kim reached into her pocket and handed him a tissue, which he took and blew his nose in before handing it back to her.
"Nobody likes me! I'm not hot! You all just want me to stop being a Lalaine fan anyway! And I just can't do that." Rich started crying harder, burying his head and his hands and his shoulders shaking. Kim just rolled her eyes.
"Uhhh….get a grip, Rich. Come back into the house, okay? You can put Lalaine pictures over your Hilary pictures anyway."
At this news, Rich immediately stopped crying and consented to go back into the house with Kim. The other Fromiez were sort of ticked off about the fact that he had kept them waiting.
"What if this package was a bomb, Rich?!" Jenn asked. "We'd all be dead by now waiting for your slow butt to stop being a baby and come back in here!"
"Fine! I'll just leave!" Rich cried, a scowl crossing his face once again.
"Huzzah!" Aubrey loudly stated, although it didn't really have much to do with anything. Everyone just kind of turned and stared at her. "Uhh…sorry. Can we open the package now?"
"That's a great idea," Kelly agreed as she ripped the brown paper off. All seven Fromiez crowded in to watch and see what was revealed. A few seconds later, Kelly held a small, square cassette tape in her hands. Everyone just stood there, staring at it.
"Do you think we should put that in the tape player?" Rich asked.
"Gee, thanks Captain Obvious!" Kim yelled, grabbing the tape and trying to locate the stereo system. She finally found one in the living room, which had only the most high-tech electronic equipment, from a big-screen TV to a leather chair that performed seven different types of massages. She slipped the tape into cassette player and pushed the large red button marked "play."
"Good afternoon, Fromiez!" came the voice of their host, Bob Saget. "I'm Bob Saget – "
"DUH!" The Fromiez shouted together all at the same time.
"And you may remember me as Danny Tanner from the hit TV show Full House – "
"Oh my god, I loved that show!" Jenn cried, clapping her hands excitedly. "I loved Comet, because she was a golden. Hey, speaking of goldens – where are mine? Hey….KEE! STOP THAT!"
Kee suddenly looked up from what he was doing, a surprised look on his face. He had taken off his belt and was attempting to fend off Shasta and Sophie with it, although they were just lying on the floor and drooling. "Oh, uhh – sorry Jenn. But dogs freak me out, you know. I was just prepared in case they were gonna attack me."
"Yeah well, they're not gonna bite," Jenn replied. "And put your belt back on – no one wants to see you without any pants."
"Yeah, bay-bee yeah!" was Kee's response as he looped the brown leather belt back through.
"HELLO?? Are we ready to continue?" Kelly asked impatiently. She turned up the volume and the Fromiez all listened in to Bob's voice.
"…And that's pretty much the only thing you may remember me from. But today I wanted to send you this tape so you'd be a little more familiar with your surroundings, as well as present your first mission to you.
"I'm sure you're all aware that this house was designed by Adam Lamberg, who lives next door. He'll be over here frequently, but a fair warning, ladies: DON'T shag him! If you do, the consequences will be disastrous, but it's your call. Adam has also chopped off a lock of his hair, which you'll find on the mantel next to you. It's called The Magic Fro, and it has special telepathic and psychic reading abilities. Don't take it for granted, though."
"I'm sure you all are also aware of the secret passage which runs from the library upstairs to the upsidown room. There is also a Panic Room located on the third floor, to use in case of emergencies, like Susan Duff breaking into the house. The Panic Room is equipped with lots of smoothies and lattes, all the episodes of Lizzie McGuire and a phone that you can use to call out. Remember, Fromiez: ONLY use this room in case of emergencies. Your protector, freakymcguire, should do a sufficient job in keeping Susan away. Anytime you need him, just beep him and he'll come running over. He lives in an outhouse behind the pool in case any of you ladies want to pay him a nightly visit. He gets kind of lonely. But just in case he falls down on the job – know where the room is!"
"One final room you need to know about is The Confessional. Once a week you will be responsible for going into The Confessional to talk about your progress in the house. Pat, the resident ordained minister, will be on call 24/7 in The Confessional. He lives in there. But his only job is to listen to you rant and rave in The Confessional. So don't bother him for anything else. And don't pay him a nightly visit. That's not his deal."
"The only thing I have left to share with you is this: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, and you pretty much have no choice, is to go to Cammy's house tomorrow night. From there you must toilet paper all of his trees and leave flaming dog poo on his front doorstep. Ring the doorbell once, and run away. You must go at night and you must not be caught. Complete this mission and you will be greatly rewarded. That's all for now. Good luck, Fromiez!"
With that, the tape was complete.
How will the Fromiez do on their first mission? And will a surprise celebrity drop by the house? Stay tuned to find out!