Thanks for all your positive comments, my children! Remember: Any concerns, questions or pecan pie recipes you have to share can be directed to Mr. Bob Saget! Now on with Chapter 4!
It's 7:00! Time for another installment of…Digital Bean Smoothie: Uncut and Uncensored!
*Music for the TV show begins playing. Everyone's favorite song blasts out of the speakers. Yes, R. Kelly's "Ignition Remix," as well as some sound bites from upcoming episodes, including*:
"Take your heart full of hate and get out of the hot tub!"
"I like big butts and I cannot lie!"
"Hey, hey, HEY! What the hell is going on in here?!"
"You ran your hands through Adam's fro?!"
"This is NOT the remix to ignition, so get the hell out of my kitchen!"
"Okay, who just let one?! That was an SBD! You gotta warn us about this stuff, man!"
*Theme song ends and the camera fades in to reveal the host, with that same goofy grin and big nose*
"Hi, I'm Bob Saget. And welcome to another exciting episode of…AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS! Haha, just kidding. This is, of course, another installment of Digital Bean Smoothie: Uncut and Uncensored. Last week we saw The Fromiez begin to embark on their very first mission, thus leaving their manor in the capable hands of two very experienced houseguests, Ben Stiller and Amy. We'll check in with them a little while later, but right now let's go to The Fromiez, who have just hopped in the car and are somehow relying on Rich's navigational skills to get them to their destination!"
*Camera fades out as Bob gives a cheesy thumps up sign*
"RICH! Where the hell are we?!" Kim demanded as she leaned over in her seat to study the map to Cammy's house that Rich held in his hand. "We just passed like, the 50th adult book store! There are no houses around here!"
"Actually, I think it was the same adult book store," Scott said grumpily from the driver's seat. He put on his left turn signal and patiently waited at the light for a green arrow. "I distinctly remember making this turn about 10 minutes ago…Navigator, you're fired."
"Hey!" Rich cried, a frown breaking out on his face. "We are not lost! I'm in control here and I know where we're going!"
"Did you say adult book store?" Kee asked from the seat behind Rich and Scott. "Can we make a quick stop?"
"If we're near an adult bookstore, that must mean we're close," Jenn added as she deliberately ignored Kee's question. "I think it'll only be a few more minutes, guys."
"Huzz…" Aubrey chimed in from the back of the van, but couldn't finish because she had leaned her head against the window and was already half asleep.
"I THINK THAT'S IT!" Rich yelled suddenly, pointing to some obscure house, alarming Scott and causing him to slam on the brakes. This woke Aubrey up, and she found herself screaming the other half of her statement as she came flying out of the backseat and landed wedged in between Scott and Rich in the front of the van. "Uhhh….hello!"
"Aubrey, did you remember to buckle your seatbelt?" Kelly asked in her concerned mother's voice. Aubrey just rubbed her throbbing big toe and shook her head sadly before climbing back to her seat. Luckily, her foot had taken most of the force and she had ended up stepping on Rich's Lalaine CD in the process.
"Oh, way to go Captain Let's Get Caught and Die a Horrible Death!" Kim cried as she smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand. "I wonder if Cammy will notice the big, huge Fro Van squealing to a stop in front of his house!"
"Hey people, this ain't Cammy's house," Kee said as he peered out the window. "We don't need to worry about it. It says, "S. Duff "on the front of the mailbox here."
"S. Duff?" The Fromiez all looked at each other in confusion for a moment, before simultaneously making the connection and screaming at the top of their lungs.
"GO! GO! GO!" Kim yelled, furiously hitting the back of Scott's seat. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PRESS THE GAS!"
Scott threw the van into gear and pushed the pedal down all the way, causing the van to screech off into the darkness almost as fast as it had come. They sped down the highway, trying to catch their breath and regain their composure.
"Hey guys, I have a question," Scott asked in a serious tone, breaking the silence that had come over the van. "How do you say, "Rich is a complete moron" in Chinese?"
"Geez, I'm SORRY!" Rich cried as he buried his head in his hands. "It's all my fault, okay!? GAL DARN IT! Everything sucks! We're never gonna find Cammy's house and we'll fail the mission and – oh wait, here it is." Rich consulted his map and discovered that they just happened to be on the correct road that would eventually lead to Cammy's house. "You better park here, Scooty. We can walk the rest of the way."
"Okay, but only if you're sure this road will lead us to the house," Scott said cautiously as he put the van in park and turned off the engine. The Fromiez all gathered outside, where they stretched and yawned. It was going to be a long and rough night.
"Let's head on out, guys," Jenn said, grabbing a duffel bag and beginning a walk down the long and dark road. Everyone else followed, shuffling along but making sure they all stayed in each other's line of vision. Of course, it was hard to get lost considering that the camera crew was following their every move.
"Are we there yet?!" Kelly whined as she dragged one of the toilet paper filled duffel bags behind her. "And who put Aubrey in charge of having the lighter? She's freaking me out."
"I like fire," Aubrey said simply as she watched the flame flicker on and off with each click of the switch. "Flame on. Flame off. Flame on. Flame off. Flame –"
"SHHH!" Kim hissed as she grabbed the lighter from Aubrey, who immediately grabbed it back and made a hissing cat-like noise at her. Kim just glared back at her and took the lighter from her hands once again.
"But I want the lighter!" Aubrey demanded.
"This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way!" Kim said in a snooty voice as she held the lighter out of Aubrey's reach. But since she was taller, Aubrey just reached down and grabbed it once again, happily flicking away. Kim rolled her eyes and continued walking. Obviously, Aubrey wasn't going to give the lighter up anytime soon.
"Okay, that house up ahead is Cammy's," Jenn said, pointing to a one-story building that resembled a run-down shack. They knew it was his because of the huge statue of Hilary Duff he had in his front lawn. Apparently, he had made it himself and was very proud of it. "I say we just all grab a bunch of toilet paper, roll a few trees and do this as fast as we can. When we're done with the trees, Aubrey will light the special surprise and drop it on the doorstep. Then she rings the doorbell once and that's when we run like hell back to the van. Everyone got it?" Jenn waited for a response, but got none since most of The Fromiez were just standing there picking their nose and asses. She sighed impatiently. "I'll take that as a yes. Let's go!"
They all grabbed a few rolls of toilet paper and began flinging it into the air as quietly as possible. They watched as the soft white paper caught onto the branches of the trees and began to sway in the breeze. Rich paid special attention to the statue of Hilary, enjoying mummifying her in toilet paper. Before they knew it, most of the trees in Cammy's yard were successfully rolled, and all that was left was the flaming dog poo. All The Fromiez crowded around the front porch, hiding behind various bushes in trees as Aubrey slunk up to the front door and the mat that read "DON'T GO AWAY MAD – JUST GO AWAY." They were standing by in case of a sudden Cammy attack, and were prepared to defend Aubrey's safety is necessary.
"Heh heh heh heh…" Aubrey cackled as she leaned over and switched the lighter on. The dog poo sitting on the front doorstep burst into flames and began to let off a stench that even the devil himself would bust out some Lysol for. "Yes, it's – " she suddenly froze as the door creaked open to reveal a very pissed off looking Cammy. Aubrey stood there, lighter in hand, and felt her mouth fall to the floor. The rest of The Fromiez just stood there as well, unable to move out of sheer fright.
"What THE HELL do you STUPID KIDS think you're doing?" Cammy yelled, clenching his fists and his nostrils turning bright pink. He brought out a shotgun and cocked it twice. "It's ON now, college kids! IT'S ON!"
"AHHHHHHH!" Everyone screamed and began running off in separate directions, arms waving wildly and legs pumping at full speed. The camera crew had to run after them, which resulted in a very shaky few moments for the home viewer, as well as intermittent flashes of darkness.
*Cut to Fro Manor, where Amy and Ben are house-sitting*
"Oh, Ben…this is so wonderful. Would you like some more wine?" Amy asked graciously as she held out the bottle of expensive red liquid.
"Sure, Amy. Are you positive that your friends won't mind us raiding their fridge?" Ben asked, holding out his glass and watching the wine pour into it.
"No, they're probably having the time of their life right now anyway," Amy answered with a wave of her hand. "They won't even give it a second thought. Would you like some more cheese and crackers?"
*Cut to Cammy's front yard, where everything is in complete chaos*
"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Kim was yelling as she ran through the yard. She passed Jenn, who was also trying to find safe haven somewhere. Suddenly, a shotgun fire went off and they heard Cammy scream, "Come on you little bitches! I've been waiting a whole year for this! WHERE'S THAT RICHARD KID?"
"Yiiiiikes!" Rich was yelling as he dodged the bullet and rolled around the ground, crawling for dear life. The yard was a scene of complete madness as The Fromiez all ran around like chickens with their head cut off. No one knew what to do except keep running to try and outlast Cammy, who they figured would run out of energy soon anyway. All they had to do was get back to the van before Cammy killed them all.
"Oh…my….God…." Jenn was panting as she ran down the length of the yard, a cameraman following her at top speed. She paused to catch her breath and collapsed on the ground with the camera pointing down on her face. "I just wanted to say that…I'm so scared right now. I don't know what to do. I thought that this mission would be easy but – "
"HELP MEEEEEE! HE'S AFTER MEEEE!"
"OH NOOOOOO!"
"RUUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"
"But it's like everything just blew up in our face," Jenn continued on. "He's after us all now. And I just hope that we can come out alive."
*Cut to Fro Manor, back to Amy and Ben*
"So….you feel like watching a movie?" Amy asked as she dipped her spoon into her bowl of Lucky Charms and took a huge bite of the marshmallow goodness. "Mmmm….these are truly magically delicious!"
"Sure, how about Meet The Parents?" Ben asked as he thumbed through the Fromiez's collection of videos. "I've always loved that movie, haven't you?"
"Haha, yeah sure…" Amy answered before taking another bite of her cereal. Suddenly, she heard a scratching sound against the window, and she froze with the spoon halfway to her mouth. "Oh my god…Ben. Did you hear that?"
"Hear what?" Ben asked as he cocked his head to listen. It happened again. The same scratching noise, only louder this time. Amy and Ben looked at each other wide-eyed. "SUSAN DUFF!" they yelled at the same time, jumping off of the couch.
"The Lucky Charms! Hide the Lucky Charms!" Amy cried, then suddenly it dawned on her. She had eaten the Lucky Charms. "OH SHIT ON A CRACKER! I ATE THE LUCKY CHARMS!"
"Oh no!" Ben cried in response. "We have to do something! Quick, call Freaky over here – STAT!"
"Freaky Deaky Streaky Creepy, won't you come out and play?"
Two seconds later, Freaky came rushing in, wearing his pajamas and bunny slippers and holding a baseball bat. "What?? What's going on?!"
"I ate the Lucky Charms!" Amy said with a horrified look on her face. "And Susan's at the window! What are we gonna do?"
"Don't worry, the Lucky Charms was just a decoy!" Freaky reassured her. "Now all we have to do is get rid of Susan! Quick, you guys get down behind the couch! I'll take her out with this baseball bat! Leprechauns freeze at the sight of baseball bats!"
Amy and Ben cowered down behind the couch and held each other tight, while Freaky slowly crept up to the window and pushed it open. Suddenly, he jumped forward and began swinging wildly and yelling at the top of his lungs. Amy squinched her eyes shut, but then she realized that the yelling had stopped. She opened her eyes to see Freaky standing in front of her, holding the baseball bat and looked rather ticked.
"It was a false alarm!" he informed her haughtily. "It was just a stray cat scratching at the window. So if you don't mind, I'm going back to bed! Goodnight!" Freaky marched out the door and headed back to his outhouse where he could sleep peacefully.
*Cut to Cammy's front yard*
All seven Fromiez ran down Cammy's driveway and into the street, still screaming bloody murder. Cammy let off another shotgun fire and it hit a branch, causing it to break off and fall down onto the ground.
"Branch on your starboard side!" Kim screamed, as she was the one leading the pack. They all narrowly avoided the debris and kept running as fast as they could towards the van. They knew that Cammy was tiring, because they could hear him panting behind them. "Keep going guys! We're almost there!"
Soon, the van loomed in the distance and it gave everyone the strength to run just a little bit faster, despite the fact that Cammy kept firing shots at them. However, once the Fromiez reached the van, Scott quickly unlocked the door and climbed in. Everyone else followed suit and buckled up as fast as possible – especially Aubrey.
"Let's get the hell out of here!" Kee shouted as he rolled up all the windows. "Let's go, let's go, let's go!"
Scott started the van and pushed the gas, doing a quick three-point turn and screeching out of the road and in the opposite direction – back towards Fro Manor. They all turned and stared out the window as Cammy stood there in the road, still aiming the shotgun at them and screaming obscenities. They couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief as he faded into the distance. Even though their first mission had been a success, it had definitely been stressful.
What will happen next? Will Adam Lamberg show up? Stay tuned!