Summary: The Harry Potter version of Blues Clues. I talk every now and
then.
A/N: I invented some characters. The objects, such as a pail, have the voices of the characters playing them, and some of the physical characteristics. But they're still the same size as the objects they are playing, and they look like the objects except for a few minor changes. Sorry for just making this one long story (14 pages on Microsoft word), my time online is very limited. Please review! ~Valia
P.S.: Please review and I'll love you!
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the related characters. I also (thankfully) do not own Blues Clues or Candyland.
Cast: Harry- Himself as Steve Fang- Himself as Blue Dumbledore- Mr. Salt McGonagall- Mrs. Pepper Snape- Paprika Ron- The Side Table Neville- The Mailbox Trevor- Himself Nearly Headless Nick- Shovel Moaning Myrtle- Pail Draco- King Ice Cream Man Hermione- Queen Icing Filch- Muck Man Lockhart- The audience and the letter addresser
*Harry comes out of the drawing of the house and he is wearing Steve's popular green-striped shirt and khaki pants. He looks somewhat dorky, though strangely handsome.
Harry: Hi friends! *waves to the camera*
Audience and Lockhart: Hi Harry!
Harry: Well let's start the show! *Fang comes out of the door and jumps on Harry and slobbers his face.* Down boy! *Fang leaps down and Harry is swept away to make-up to get his face redone.*
Harry: Do I have to get my face redone every time I get a little spec of dirt on it?
Make-up artist with a very squeaky voice: Yes! And that wasn't just a little spec of dirt; it was dog slobber! *Harry sighs. He reappears outside the door where Fang is ready to jump on him again. Harry has reinforcements this time; he throws Fang a dog biscuit which Fang greedily eats.*
Harry: Come on kids and Fang, it's time to start the show already! *Fang goes through an oversize doggie door. Harry tries to open the door, but it's locked. He has to crawl through the doggie door too. Fang leads Harry to the kitchen.*
Harry: What is it, boy?
Fang: Woof, woof! *Fang goes up to the fridge and paws it.*
Harry: Oh, you're hungry?
Author: Obviously...
Fang: Woof, woof! *Harry opens the fridge. There is a lot of food in it. Month-old cheese, sour milk, green eggs and ham, but nothing that Fang seems to want to eat.*
Author: I don't blame him.
Harry: Oh, I know... *Fang presses his paw on the camera and it leaves a blue paw print. A drumming sound is heard.* (to audience) Fang wants us to play Blue's Clues *does that thing where he puts both hands out to show 10 fingers two times* to figure out what he wants to eat. *Harry says this very enthusiastically and as though he were talking to little three year olds... oh wait, Lockhart is watching.* Too bad he can't talk, it would be so much easier...
Fang: But I can talk.
Harry: No way! You can talk and you never told me, your master's best friend?!
Fang: I told Ron and Hermione.
Harry: You did? *looks hurt* Then why couldn't you tell me?
Fang: Because I'm mean like that. *Fang smiles his doggie smile.*
Harry: So why can't you just tell me what it is you want to eat, then?
Fang: Because then there would be no Blues Clues.
Harry: Oh, come on Fang, please! I gave you a dog biscuit!
Fang: Woof, woof!
Harry: Man! And I thought Crookshanks was stuck up!
*Fang leads Harry out of the kitchen and Harry breaks into song. Lockhart sings along melodramatically*
Harry: We are lookin' for Fang's Clues. We are lookin' for Fang's Clues. We are lookin' for Fang's Clues because we're really smart! *to self* Why didn't I become an auror?
*Fang leads Harry outside to where Shovel and Pail are digging a hole in the sandbox and trying to stuff a loaf of bread in it. Fang growls.* (Shovel and Pail look the same except they are pale...hehe and Shovel's 'head' is dangling a few inches off its handle. Pail is wearing glasses.)
Harry: What's the matter, Fang?
Fang: Grr! *Harry sees what Shovel and Pail are up to. He goes in the sandbox and kneels down for a closer look. The make-up people attempt to shunt him away again.*
Harry: Oh for peat's sake, you're all fired! Get out of here! *Disgruntled, Professor Flitwick and Rita Skeeter leave the set only to be hired by Neutrogena as spokes models.*
Harry: Unbelievable! I bet they're making more money than me... *Snaps back to reality and sees a paw print on the loaf of bread.* Kids, look it's a clue! That loaf of bread is a clue! (He still has the air of one explaining how to tie one's shoe.) Why are you attempting to bury it, Shovel and Pail?
Shovel: Because Fang eats everything, the bloody pig.
Fang: Not true! There's still some lovely rotten eggs in the fridge... *Shovel attempts to whack Fang; Fang grabs Shovel and starts chewing him up.* (A/N: Don't worry, there's no deaths in this fic... Shovel and Pail are already dead anyway)
Harry: FANG! Put him down! *Harry throws another dog biscuit. Fang spits out Shovel and goes after it. Shovel's head fell off.*
Shovel: What a savage! Harry, could you put my head back on for me? I obviously don't have any arms... *Harry puts shovel's head back on for him.* Thanks!
Pail: How come I don't get a part?
Shovel: Because I'm better than you! *Sticks tongue out at Pail. Pail starts to cry.*
Harry: Be glad you don't have a part, Pail! This show sucks anyway! And Shovel, why bury bread? Shovels don't eat at all!
Shovel: Sure! Rub it in my face that I can't eat and haven't been able to for some 500 odd years!
Pail: Harry, you're right. This show is awful. *giggles*
Harry: Erm, yeah. Oh no! I've forgotten the notebook!
Author: So have I.
Harry: Let's go, Fang! *Fang takes the loaf of bread and follows Harry back in the house, through the kitchen, and to Side Table. It looks the same except on top of it is a red wig and there are red freckles painted on it.*
Lockhart: AH! THAT DRESSER IS SCARY! *crouches in a corner*
Author: My feelings exactly. But it's a side table...
Harry: Hi Side Table!
Side Table: Hiya Harry! Here's your notebook, mate! *Side Table opens his drawer. Harry takes out the sorry excuse for a notebook. He suddenly looks mad.*
Side Table: What's wrong, Harry?
Harry: You...never...told....me....Fang....could...talk! *Harry looks like he could turn over poor Side Table in anger.*
Side Table: I know Harry...it's just that, well...Fang offered me ten gallons of every flavor beans, mate! You know I can't deny my every flavor beans! *Harry still looks mad, but then he suddenly looks understanding.*
Harry: Oh I completely understand Side Table. *smiles*
Side Table: Thanks mate, I knew you would.
Harry: I understand that my best friend values every flavor beans over me when I saved his fat but one too many times!
Side Table: Sorry mate... but it's every flavor beans! They're my passion, my life! I like them better than my new broom... well almost.
Fang: Better than Hermione? *Side Table blushes, if that's possible*
Harry: And that's not all Ron... I mean Side Table... I can't believe I got smuggled into this stupid job just so I wouldn't have to stay at the Dursley's for the summer... SO I'M STUCK TALKING TO A FREAKING SIDE TABLE! *breathes heavily...then realizes this is much better than the Dursley's and calms down* Ok Side Table! I understand! I understand because this is a lot better than eating a lump of salt for dinner!
Harry: *speaks as if the whole conversation between him and a dresser drawer never happened* (I know it's a side table, but dresser drawer sounded better.) And here's my handy dandy *everyone, including Lockhart says: NOTEBOOK!* *a dinging bell sound is heard; Harry opens the notebook and takes the quill from the spiral holder; Side Table closes himself.*
Harry: Oh come on, can't I have a crayon?
Professor McGonagall: NO! We magical folk don't believe in crayons! Now would you like to go back to the Dursleys...?
Harry: NO! I...I like the quill...*continues* Now, what was the clue?
Fang: Oops, I ate it. But it was a loaf of bread.
Harry: Are you sure?
Fang: Look, I may look, act, eat, sleep, and smell like a dog, but I don't have the IQ of one!
Harry: Ok, ok! *dips the quill in the ink that is engraved in the notebook* A loaf of bread... now, we'll just draw a piece of bread... I was never good in art class... now you draw a squiggly line, another squiggly line parallel to it, and then two vertical lines to connect the squiggly lines. And there you have it, a piece of bread. *He holds the notebook up to the camera; the piece of bread jumps off the page and dances on the top of the screen*
Harry: Talk about over doing it! Even my drawings are happy-go-lucky!
Fang: Let's get a move on, we've wasted a lot of the show, they had to cut off the Neutrogena commercials...
Harry: GOOD! *Fang leads Harry back to the kitchen where Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper are. Mrs. Pepper is holding Paprika. Mr. Salt has half moon spectacles and a long white mustache and beard. Mrs. Pepper has hair and it's in a bun. Paprika also has hair and it looks exactly like Snape's hair. (I wonder why)*
Mr. Salt: Ay Harry! Long time no see!
Mrs. Pepper: Harry, it's so good to see you again, dear. And 5 points from Gryffindor for your sudden outburst!
Harry: Hello, Mr. Salt... Mrs. Pepper. *crouches so he is eye level with them and waves.*
*Paprika yanks himself from Mrs. Pepper's grip. Harry fights hard not to laugh at (Snape) but bursts out laughing.*
Paprika: And 5 more points from Gryffindor for existing, Mr. Potter. *Harry stops laughing immediately.* Now, we have a wittle game for the wittle Potter. Are you ready?
Harry: *mumbles* I'm not the little one now!
Paprika: And yet five more points for muttering incoherently! Now, the game is called "Name that jar of stuff." All you have to do is name whatever jar magically appears in front of me and get three in a row. Got it?
Harry: Yes, sir. *thinks, which the audience can hear.* This game should be easier than simply throwing an ingredient in my cauldron in Potion's class.
Paprika: 5 more points for thinking! Now on with the game already!
Harry: I can't even think now?
Author: Well you won't have to for this game, hopefully... You have the audience to help you :-)
Paprika: Now, a jar of something will appear. *Jar appears; It has something purple in it, and there are pictures of grapes on the label.*
Harry: Hey, kids! Do you know what that is?
Lockhart: *thinking* Um...er...well....*5 minutes go by and the Jeopardy song plays numerous times* Grape Jelly, perhaps?
Paprika: Haha! Wrong! It's grape jam! :-P
Harry: Give him a break! His memory is practically gone... he's making progress...
Author: Unfortunately. Fine, Snape just give him the point.
Paprika: Ok, ok but just this once. That's one for three, Potter. *second jar appears; it has white, blobby stuff in it and a blue label with the word Hellmann's on it.*
Harry: Hey kids! What do you-
Author: Think for yourself this time. You're a lot smarter than Lockhart.
Harry: *face turns red* Well, I know what this is, because Dudley eats it plain all the time! It's mayonnaise! *Paprika looks crestfallen.*
Paprika: Very well... two for three.... and the last is...*drum roll and third jar appears; it has brownish-yellow stuff in it and a label on it says Peter Pan.*
Lockhart: Oh, Peter Pan! One of my favorite's! That's a Disney classic, that is.
Author: Give me a break and go to the corner again! Harry, you can take this one too, since Lockhart so rudely interrupted the dialogue.
Harry: Well, believe it or not, Dudley eats this plain too! It's good ol' fashion peanut butter!
Paprika: *looks like he was just given detention* Arg... three for three... and I QUIT! *Transforms into Snape, jumps off the counter, and leaves the set to go on to do Die Hard 4* (A/N: I used Die Hard 4 in my All That Parody.)
Mr. Salt: I never liked him anyway... but don't tell him I said that...I've been trying to get in the Die Hard movies my whole life...and that's saying something, seeing that I'm way over the hill...anyway Harry, congrats. I suggest you turn the peanut butter around.
Harry: Why?
Mr. Salt: Just do it. *vanishes, as does Mrs. Pepper; Harry turns the peanut butter jar around and sees a blue paw print on it. Fang comes back, panting, and his tongue is green.*
*Commercial starring Harry, Draco, and Snape. Harry and Draco are on the school grounds; Draco is wearing a baseball hat.* Harry: Hey, Draco, did you hear about Snape dressing up in a tutu? Draco: Haha. *Fake laugh* If that were true, I'd eat my hat! *Snape walks out to the grounds looking very sullen in a pink tutu* *Draco takes off his baseball cap and eats it. He then talks.* Draco: Hats! The expression 'I'll eat my hat' is now a reality! Buy new 'Hats'! They come in lemon sherbet, chocolate, denim, and the all-new leather! *end of commercial* (A/N: I couldn't resist putting that in!)
Harry: Fang, what'd you eat?
Fang: I got so desperate that I ate the green eggs and ham. But I can tell you that I definitely do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam I am.
Author: Wrong story...
Fang: Sorry.
Harry: Well here, have the peanut butter. WAIT- *Too late; Fang ate the peanut butter, jar and all, in one gulp.*
Harry: Why do you keep eating the clues?
Fang: Oops, I forgot.
Harry: IQ not of a dog, I think not! *Fang growls*
Author: Bad dog! I put you in this story; I can take you out!
Fang: *has sad puppy-dog eyes*
Author: Aww, you're such a cute doggie. Here have a biscuit. Er- Harry, give Fang the rest of your biscuits.
Harry: But I may need them...
Author: More will reappear; don't worry. *Harry gives Fang around twenty doggie biscuits, which he consumes in two minutes.*
Harry: You're worse than Dudley...wait I take that back.
Author: The clue...
Harry: Right, we've just found the second clue! So we need our handy... dandy NOTEBOOK! This time only Lockhart is speaking with enthusiasm.
Harry: *flips page* A jar of peanut butter. How about this... a big box for the jar, a little rectangle for the lid...
Fang: How will they know what it's a jar of? It could be anything!
Harry: FINE! *Writes, very hastily, 'Peanut butter' on the jar. And there we have it, a jar of peanut butter. Now the first clue was a loaf of bread, but I drew a piece of bread 'cause it was easier *piece of bread leaps to top of screen and starts dancing*... and the second clue was peanut butter. *peanut butter jar leaps to top of screen and starts dancing with the bread in a square dance style* Hmm...well it's very obvious what Fang wants to eat, unless you're three years old or Lockhart...Can I say what it is?
Author: No, just wait until the mystery is solved... for Lockhart's sake. Oh, by the way Lockhart, you can come out of the corner now... *Lockhart crawls out of corner along with his TV on wheels. Fang runs to the living room; Harry follows. Fang runs up to a game board on the floor, which is Candyland.
Fang: Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof *jumps into game*
Harry: Oh no...this feels awful, like when you use a portkey...do I have to?
Author: Actually, it is a portkey...funny how muggles get so many ideas from witches and wizards. It just happens to look like where it's taking you. That makes more sense though, doesn't it?
Harry: Yeah, actually it does... do I still have to use it?
Author: Sorry, but yes. *Harry sighs*
Harry: Fang skidoo, we can too! *skidoo music plays, Harry shakes his hips as he does the skidooing and jumps into the board game, lands with a thud and is in it. Meanwhile, Lockhart uses his TV as a portkey and gets transferred into the board game too, but on the other side.*
Authors Update: As you readers have noticed, I'm keeping this story as one long file. Sorry about that, it's just 2:21 in the morning and I'm being lazy, but I want to finish this thing tonight... I mean this morning. Please review, and on with the messed up story!
*Harry is on a yellow piece in the middle of the game and a mucky thing jumps out of nowhere.*
Muck Man: Hah, Potter! I've got you now! Using an illegal portkey and landing in my creation!
Harry: You created Candyland?
Muck Man: That's right...I may be dirty and rotten, more so now than ever... but I still appreciate the finer things in life such as tooth- decaying candy! *smiles to prove his point*
Harry: Er- that's nice.
Muck Man: And now just take my shortcut *points to it* and you'll get to the finish line much faster.
Harry: Do I dare ask?
Author: Sorry again.
*Harry uneasily walks to the muck-filled shortcut, but then his feet start to sink into the muck, much as they would in quicksand*
Muck Man: Haha, Potter! You can't get out of this mess!
Harry: Help! I'm drowning in muck! Author, do something!
Author: Relax, help will come right before you're about to die, as is always the case in suspense movies.
Harry: How comforting! Heeeelllp! *His face starts to sink...his nose gets covered...*
Author: Ok, now! *Queen Icing flies from a tree and gets Harry out of the muck.*
Harry: *spits out muck* T-thanks. *laughs* Let me think, Hermione, you're Queen Icing.
Hermione: Fine, laugh if you must! You weren't laughing when I was saving your neck!
Harry: Er- sorry. Hey, author, is Queen Icing supposed to have wings?
Author: Um... I don't know... do you?
Harry: NO! The only game I've ever played at the Dursley's was monkey in the middle while Dudley tossed my wand back and fourth with Piers... and I was always the monkey!
Author: Aww, that's too bad. But you're getting off the subject again, Harry.
Harry: Oh... well thanks, Hermione.
Hermione: No problem. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get Draco back for the insults from the All That Parody. Bye! *flies away*
*Harry continues walking on the game pieces for about an hour, until he finally comes to the ice cream castle. He sees King Ice Cream Man sitting on his wafer throne, wearing his crown, and holding his pretzel stick staff.*
King Ice Cream Man: Hahaha, Potter! Look who's King! ME!!!!!!!
Harry: If you call a wafer throne and a pretzel stick for a staff great, then props to you. *laughs*
King Ice Cream Man: I wouldn't laugh, Potter. Guess who the queen is?
Harry: *thinks* Hermione!
King Ice Cream Man: That's- *Just then, Queen Icing flies out of another tree and hits King Ice Cream Man over the head with an oversized ice cream cone. Within seconds, he is covered, head to toe, in ice cream.
Queen Icing: Take that, you little house-elf racist! *hits him until he is covered with wafer bits.*
Harry: lmao rofl! *Queen Icing flies away again and pelicans start to flock and peck at King Ice Cream Man.
King Ice Cream Man: GEROFF! GEROFF OF ME! *Harry ignores King Ice Cream Man and walks to the finish line portkey, which is a candy cane. To his horror, Lockhart is eating it!
Harry: Lockhart! What are you doing here?
Lockhart: Oh...um, I don't know, I jumped into my TV and came to this cool place, everything is edible, even the sidewalk!
Author: The sidewalk? What's it taste like?
Lockhart: Taffy!
Harry: Author, look, he's eating the finish line portkey!
Author: Oh, that's ok. That's his portkey. If he eats it all, he'll be stuck in Candy Land forever!
Lockhart: I knew this place looked familiar!
Harry: That's fine by me! Where's my portkey?
Author: Lockhart's eating it!
Harry: But you just said...
Author: Well it's not taking him anywhere, so it has got to be yours!
Harry: Oh yeah...heh I forgot...*rips the half of candy cane that's left out of Lockhart's grip and gets transported back to the drawing of the house.*
Lockhart: Hey, I'm stuck!
Author: That's too bad. *Lockhart starts crying* Ok fine! Look, the portkey that will take you back to St. Mungo's is somewhere in this board game, just look for purple fruit in a tree; if you can't figure that clue out, I feel sorry for you.*leaves*
*Harry is sitting in the Thinking Chair wondering where the heck Fang and the Author are. Author comes back and the mailbox springs to the Thinking Chair. The mailbox is a lot more plump than usual.*
Mailbox: Good morning, Steve!
Harry: Um, it's Harry, not Steve.
Mailbox: Yeah, and I'm the pope. Listen, have you seen Trevor anywhere?
Harry: No, lost him again, huh?
Mailbox: Yep. And by the way, here's your letter. *Mailbox opens himself and out jumps Trevor onto Mailbox's top.* There you are, Trevor! I thought that croaking sound was my stomach growling. *Harry takes the letter and shakes it back and fourth while singing the letter song; Mailbox and Trevor spring away.*
Harry: We just got a letter, we just got a letter, we just got a letter, wonder who it's from?
Author: Look at the cast list and you'll know.
*Harry ignores the author's comment and opens the video letter. It shows Lockhart sitting at a little kids table at St. Mungos with Crouch, Jr.*
Harry: Oh look, it's from our...friends.
Lockhart and Crouch, Jr.: Hi, Harry!
Lockhart: We've just learned how to paint. I painted myself painting myself. It's strange, I remember seeing this before somewhere. *Holds up his gallery worthy painting* Crouch, Jr. here's painting is a little less articulate. Show him, Crouch. *Crouch holds up his painting of a snake, which isn't Picasso like, but a lot better than Harry's drawings.*
Harry: Um...those are great paintings...*feels jealous of their masterpieces compared to his doodles* Well bye, friends!
Lockhart and Crouch: Bye, Hector! *Harry closes the letter with a bang, rips it up, and puts it in the garbage can which is next to the Thinking Chair.*
Garbage Can: Tis' good to see you again, Harry Potter.
Harry: Dobby? Wow, and I thought my part sucked!
Garbage Can: Tis' cleaner than my house elf pillow case.
Harry: Well that's true; have you seen where the third clue is?
Garbage Can: Yes, sir, tis' in Fang's stomach.
Harry: Naturally...where is Fang, anyway?
Garbage Can: Under the Thinking Chair.
Harry: Fang, come on boy. *Fang comes out from under the Thinking Chair and cowers.* *Harry sighs in annoyance* Well, can you remember what the clue was at least?
Fang: *thinks* Well, I ate a lot since you were gone...I had a piece of Hagrid's best chocolate cake, a goodburger, some french fries, an apple pie... *goes on for ten minutes* Oh, now I remember, the last thing I ate was Hagrid's best grape jam.
Harry: But there was grape jam in the "Name that jar of stuff game!" Why wasn't that a clue?
Fang: That was amateur jam. Hagrid's is much better. He's working on a cook book, you know.
Harry: That's nice. Well now we have our third clue, kids! We need our handy dandy NOTEBOOK! *Takes the notebook out and draws another box and rectangle lid doodle. He writes 'jam' on it.* Now the first clue was a piece of bread, second clue was peanut butter, and third clue jelly. *pictures dance around at top of screen and Fang jumps up and eats them*
Fang: *swallowing the jam picture* It was jam!
Harry: Jelly, jam, same thing! Now we have all three clues! *holds out three fingers and then breaks into song* We found the first paw print that's the first clue, evidently, put it in our notebook cause its Fangs clues, Fang's clues...second paw print Fang's clues...third paw print...sit down in our Thinking Chair and think, think thiiiinkkk. *Sits down in his Thinking Chair and think, think, thinks.* Cause' when you use your mind and take a step out of time you can do anything, that you wanna do. Then why can't I get out of this story? *Author ignores his question*
Harry: So there was bread, peanut butter, and JAM! YOU HAPPY, FANG?
Fang: Yes.
Harry: Hmm... maybe you could put the two slices of bread side by side and paint a picture with the peanut butter and JAM on them!
Lockhart: NO! But good idea, I've got to try that. *gets the supplies and starts finger painting*
Harry: Or maybe, just maybe, it's a peanut butter and JAM sandwich that Fang wants!
Lockhart: Yeah!
Harry: But why a dog would want peanut butter and JAM in the first place is beyond me!
Fang: *growls* Watch it!
Harry: Well let's go get the peanut butter, JAM, and bread, before Fang has a nervous breakdown! *goes to the kitchen and makes some peanut butter and jam sandwiches. All the friends and enemies are gathered around the kitchen table.*
Harry: Hey look our friends are back! *King Ice Cream Man is still covered in ice cream. They all eat the sandwiches with the air of one eating five star quality food.*
Author: So, you've found the portkey, huh Lockhart?
Lockhart: Yes! It was a strange purple fruit!
Author: Um...it was a plum, Lockhart.
Lockhart: Oh yes! Now I remember!
Author: *to self* He's hopeless!
Harry: Well this is the end of the show! And it couldn't have come sooner!
Author: You've got that right!
The End
A/N: Please review. If you haven't already, check out my HP All That Parody, Hermione's Diary, and my songfic!
A/N: I invented some characters. The objects, such as a pail, have the voices of the characters playing them, and some of the physical characteristics. But they're still the same size as the objects they are playing, and they look like the objects except for a few minor changes. Sorry for just making this one long story (14 pages on Microsoft word), my time online is very limited. Please review! ~Valia
P.S.: Please review and I'll love you!
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the related characters. I also (thankfully) do not own Blues Clues or Candyland.
Cast: Harry- Himself as Steve Fang- Himself as Blue Dumbledore- Mr. Salt McGonagall- Mrs. Pepper Snape- Paprika Ron- The Side Table Neville- The Mailbox Trevor- Himself Nearly Headless Nick- Shovel Moaning Myrtle- Pail Draco- King Ice Cream Man Hermione- Queen Icing Filch- Muck Man Lockhart- The audience and the letter addresser
*Harry comes out of the drawing of the house and he is wearing Steve's popular green-striped shirt and khaki pants. He looks somewhat dorky, though strangely handsome.
Harry: Hi friends! *waves to the camera*
Audience and Lockhart: Hi Harry!
Harry: Well let's start the show! *Fang comes out of the door and jumps on Harry and slobbers his face.* Down boy! *Fang leaps down and Harry is swept away to make-up to get his face redone.*
Harry: Do I have to get my face redone every time I get a little spec of dirt on it?
Make-up artist with a very squeaky voice: Yes! And that wasn't just a little spec of dirt; it was dog slobber! *Harry sighs. He reappears outside the door where Fang is ready to jump on him again. Harry has reinforcements this time; he throws Fang a dog biscuit which Fang greedily eats.*
Harry: Come on kids and Fang, it's time to start the show already! *Fang goes through an oversize doggie door. Harry tries to open the door, but it's locked. He has to crawl through the doggie door too. Fang leads Harry to the kitchen.*
Harry: What is it, boy?
Fang: Woof, woof! *Fang goes up to the fridge and paws it.*
Harry: Oh, you're hungry?
Author: Obviously...
Fang: Woof, woof! *Harry opens the fridge. There is a lot of food in it. Month-old cheese, sour milk, green eggs and ham, but nothing that Fang seems to want to eat.*
Author: I don't blame him.
Harry: Oh, I know... *Fang presses his paw on the camera and it leaves a blue paw print. A drumming sound is heard.* (to audience) Fang wants us to play Blue's Clues *does that thing where he puts both hands out to show 10 fingers two times* to figure out what he wants to eat. *Harry says this very enthusiastically and as though he were talking to little three year olds... oh wait, Lockhart is watching.* Too bad he can't talk, it would be so much easier...
Fang: But I can talk.
Harry: No way! You can talk and you never told me, your master's best friend?!
Fang: I told Ron and Hermione.
Harry: You did? *looks hurt* Then why couldn't you tell me?
Fang: Because I'm mean like that. *Fang smiles his doggie smile.*
Harry: So why can't you just tell me what it is you want to eat, then?
Fang: Because then there would be no Blues Clues.
Harry: Oh, come on Fang, please! I gave you a dog biscuit!
Fang: Woof, woof!
Harry: Man! And I thought Crookshanks was stuck up!
*Fang leads Harry out of the kitchen and Harry breaks into song. Lockhart sings along melodramatically*
Harry: We are lookin' for Fang's Clues. We are lookin' for Fang's Clues. We are lookin' for Fang's Clues because we're really smart! *to self* Why didn't I become an auror?
*Fang leads Harry outside to where Shovel and Pail are digging a hole in the sandbox and trying to stuff a loaf of bread in it. Fang growls.* (Shovel and Pail look the same except they are pale...hehe and Shovel's 'head' is dangling a few inches off its handle. Pail is wearing glasses.)
Harry: What's the matter, Fang?
Fang: Grr! *Harry sees what Shovel and Pail are up to. He goes in the sandbox and kneels down for a closer look. The make-up people attempt to shunt him away again.*
Harry: Oh for peat's sake, you're all fired! Get out of here! *Disgruntled, Professor Flitwick and Rita Skeeter leave the set only to be hired by Neutrogena as spokes models.*
Harry: Unbelievable! I bet they're making more money than me... *Snaps back to reality and sees a paw print on the loaf of bread.* Kids, look it's a clue! That loaf of bread is a clue! (He still has the air of one explaining how to tie one's shoe.) Why are you attempting to bury it, Shovel and Pail?
Shovel: Because Fang eats everything, the bloody pig.
Fang: Not true! There's still some lovely rotten eggs in the fridge... *Shovel attempts to whack Fang; Fang grabs Shovel and starts chewing him up.* (A/N: Don't worry, there's no deaths in this fic... Shovel and Pail are already dead anyway)
Harry: FANG! Put him down! *Harry throws another dog biscuit. Fang spits out Shovel and goes after it. Shovel's head fell off.*
Shovel: What a savage! Harry, could you put my head back on for me? I obviously don't have any arms... *Harry puts shovel's head back on for him.* Thanks!
Pail: How come I don't get a part?
Shovel: Because I'm better than you! *Sticks tongue out at Pail. Pail starts to cry.*
Harry: Be glad you don't have a part, Pail! This show sucks anyway! And Shovel, why bury bread? Shovels don't eat at all!
Shovel: Sure! Rub it in my face that I can't eat and haven't been able to for some 500 odd years!
Pail: Harry, you're right. This show is awful. *giggles*
Harry: Erm, yeah. Oh no! I've forgotten the notebook!
Author: So have I.
Harry: Let's go, Fang! *Fang takes the loaf of bread and follows Harry back in the house, through the kitchen, and to Side Table. It looks the same except on top of it is a red wig and there are red freckles painted on it.*
Lockhart: AH! THAT DRESSER IS SCARY! *crouches in a corner*
Author: My feelings exactly. But it's a side table...
Harry: Hi Side Table!
Side Table: Hiya Harry! Here's your notebook, mate! *Side Table opens his drawer. Harry takes out the sorry excuse for a notebook. He suddenly looks mad.*
Side Table: What's wrong, Harry?
Harry: You...never...told....me....Fang....could...talk! *Harry looks like he could turn over poor Side Table in anger.*
Side Table: I know Harry...it's just that, well...Fang offered me ten gallons of every flavor beans, mate! You know I can't deny my every flavor beans! *Harry still looks mad, but then he suddenly looks understanding.*
Harry: Oh I completely understand Side Table. *smiles*
Side Table: Thanks mate, I knew you would.
Harry: I understand that my best friend values every flavor beans over me when I saved his fat but one too many times!
Side Table: Sorry mate... but it's every flavor beans! They're my passion, my life! I like them better than my new broom... well almost.
Fang: Better than Hermione? *Side Table blushes, if that's possible*
Harry: And that's not all Ron... I mean Side Table... I can't believe I got smuggled into this stupid job just so I wouldn't have to stay at the Dursley's for the summer... SO I'M STUCK TALKING TO A FREAKING SIDE TABLE! *breathes heavily...then realizes this is much better than the Dursley's and calms down* Ok Side Table! I understand! I understand because this is a lot better than eating a lump of salt for dinner!
Harry: *speaks as if the whole conversation between him and a dresser drawer never happened* (I know it's a side table, but dresser drawer sounded better.) And here's my handy dandy *everyone, including Lockhart says: NOTEBOOK!* *a dinging bell sound is heard; Harry opens the notebook and takes the quill from the spiral holder; Side Table closes himself.*
Harry: Oh come on, can't I have a crayon?
Professor McGonagall: NO! We magical folk don't believe in crayons! Now would you like to go back to the Dursleys...?
Harry: NO! I...I like the quill...*continues* Now, what was the clue?
Fang: Oops, I ate it. But it was a loaf of bread.
Harry: Are you sure?
Fang: Look, I may look, act, eat, sleep, and smell like a dog, but I don't have the IQ of one!
Harry: Ok, ok! *dips the quill in the ink that is engraved in the notebook* A loaf of bread... now, we'll just draw a piece of bread... I was never good in art class... now you draw a squiggly line, another squiggly line parallel to it, and then two vertical lines to connect the squiggly lines. And there you have it, a piece of bread. *He holds the notebook up to the camera; the piece of bread jumps off the page and dances on the top of the screen*
Harry: Talk about over doing it! Even my drawings are happy-go-lucky!
Fang: Let's get a move on, we've wasted a lot of the show, they had to cut off the Neutrogena commercials...
Harry: GOOD! *Fang leads Harry back to the kitchen where Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper are. Mrs. Pepper is holding Paprika. Mr. Salt has half moon spectacles and a long white mustache and beard. Mrs. Pepper has hair and it's in a bun. Paprika also has hair and it looks exactly like Snape's hair. (I wonder why)*
Mr. Salt: Ay Harry! Long time no see!
Mrs. Pepper: Harry, it's so good to see you again, dear. And 5 points from Gryffindor for your sudden outburst!
Harry: Hello, Mr. Salt... Mrs. Pepper. *crouches so he is eye level with them and waves.*
*Paprika yanks himself from Mrs. Pepper's grip. Harry fights hard not to laugh at (Snape) but bursts out laughing.*
Paprika: And 5 more points from Gryffindor for existing, Mr. Potter. *Harry stops laughing immediately.* Now, we have a wittle game for the wittle Potter. Are you ready?
Harry: *mumbles* I'm not the little one now!
Paprika: And yet five more points for muttering incoherently! Now, the game is called "Name that jar of stuff." All you have to do is name whatever jar magically appears in front of me and get three in a row. Got it?
Harry: Yes, sir. *thinks, which the audience can hear.* This game should be easier than simply throwing an ingredient in my cauldron in Potion's class.
Paprika: 5 more points for thinking! Now on with the game already!
Harry: I can't even think now?
Author: Well you won't have to for this game, hopefully... You have the audience to help you :-)
Paprika: Now, a jar of something will appear. *Jar appears; It has something purple in it, and there are pictures of grapes on the label.*
Harry: Hey, kids! Do you know what that is?
Lockhart: *thinking* Um...er...well....*5 minutes go by and the Jeopardy song plays numerous times* Grape Jelly, perhaps?
Paprika: Haha! Wrong! It's grape jam! :-P
Harry: Give him a break! His memory is practically gone... he's making progress...
Author: Unfortunately. Fine, Snape just give him the point.
Paprika: Ok, ok but just this once. That's one for three, Potter. *second jar appears; it has white, blobby stuff in it and a blue label with the word Hellmann's on it.*
Harry: Hey kids! What do you-
Author: Think for yourself this time. You're a lot smarter than Lockhart.
Harry: *face turns red* Well, I know what this is, because Dudley eats it plain all the time! It's mayonnaise! *Paprika looks crestfallen.*
Paprika: Very well... two for three.... and the last is...*drum roll and third jar appears; it has brownish-yellow stuff in it and a label on it says Peter Pan.*
Lockhart: Oh, Peter Pan! One of my favorite's! That's a Disney classic, that is.
Author: Give me a break and go to the corner again! Harry, you can take this one too, since Lockhart so rudely interrupted the dialogue.
Harry: Well, believe it or not, Dudley eats this plain too! It's good ol' fashion peanut butter!
Paprika: *looks like he was just given detention* Arg... three for three... and I QUIT! *Transforms into Snape, jumps off the counter, and leaves the set to go on to do Die Hard 4* (A/N: I used Die Hard 4 in my All That Parody.)
Mr. Salt: I never liked him anyway... but don't tell him I said that...I've been trying to get in the Die Hard movies my whole life...and that's saying something, seeing that I'm way over the hill...anyway Harry, congrats. I suggest you turn the peanut butter around.
Harry: Why?
Mr. Salt: Just do it. *vanishes, as does Mrs. Pepper; Harry turns the peanut butter jar around and sees a blue paw print on it. Fang comes back, panting, and his tongue is green.*
*Commercial starring Harry, Draco, and Snape. Harry and Draco are on the school grounds; Draco is wearing a baseball hat.* Harry: Hey, Draco, did you hear about Snape dressing up in a tutu? Draco: Haha. *Fake laugh* If that were true, I'd eat my hat! *Snape walks out to the grounds looking very sullen in a pink tutu* *Draco takes off his baseball cap and eats it. He then talks.* Draco: Hats! The expression 'I'll eat my hat' is now a reality! Buy new 'Hats'! They come in lemon sherbet, chocolate, denim, and the all-new leather! *end of commercial* (A/N: I couldn't resist putting that in!)
Harry: Fang, what'd you eat?
Fang: I got so desperate that I ate the green eggs and ham. But I can tell you that I definitely do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam I am.
Author: Wrong story...
Fang: Sorry.
Harry: Well here, have the peanut butter. WAIT- *Too late; Fang ate the peanut butter, jar and all, in one gulp.*
Harry: Why do you keep eating the clues?
Fang: Oops, I forgot.
Harry: IQ not of a dog, I think not! *Fang growls*
Author: Bad dog! I put you in this story; I can take you out!
Fang: *has sad puppy-dog eyes*
Author: Aww, you're such a cute doggie. Here have a biscuit. Er- Harry, give Fang the rest of your biscuits.
Harry: But I may need them...
Author: More will reappear; don't worry. *Harry gives Fang around twenty doggie biscuits, which he consumes in two minutes.*
Harry: You're worse than Dudley...wait I take that back.
Author: The clue...
Harry: Right, we've just found the second clue! So we need our handy... dandy NOTEBOOK! This time only Lockhart is speaking with enthusiasm.
Harry: *flips page* A jar of peanut butter. How about this... a big box for the jar, a little rectangle for the lid...
Fang: How will they know what it's a jar of? It could be anything!
Harry: FINE! *Writes, very hastily, 'Peanut butter' on the jar. And there we have it, a jar of peanut butter. Now the first clue was a loaf of bread, but I drew a piece of bread 'cause it was easier *piece of bread leaps to top of screen and starts dancing*... and the second clue was peanut butter. *peanut butter jar leaps to top of screen and starts dancing with the bread in a square dance style* Hmm...well it's very obvious what Fang wants to eat, unless you're three years old or Lockhart...Can I say what it is?
Author: No, just wait until the mystery is solved... for Lockhart's sake. Oh, by the way Lockhart, you can come out of the corner now... *Lockhart crawls out of corner along with his TV on wheels. Fang runs to the living room; Harry follows. Fang runs up to a game board on the floor, which is Candyland.
Fang: Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof *jumps into game*
Harry: Oh no...this feels awful, like when you use a portkey...do I have to?
Author: Actually, it is a portkey...funny how muggles get so many ideas from witches and wizards. It just happens to look like where it's taking you. That makes more sense though, doesn't it?
Harry: Yeah, actually it does... do I still have to use it?
Author: Sorry, but yes. *Harry sighs*
Harry: Fang skidoo, we can too! *skidoo music plays, Harry shakes his hips as he does the skidooing and jumps into the board game, lands with a thud and is in it. Meanwhile, Lockhart uses his TV as a portkey and gets transferred into the board game too, but on the other side.*
Authors Update: As you readers have noticed, I'm keeping this story as one long file. Sorry about that, it's just 2:21 in the morning and I'm being lazy, but I want to finish this thing tonight... I mean this morning. Please review, and on with the messed up story!
*Harry is on a yellow piece in the middle of the game and a mucky thing jumps out of nowhere.*
Muck Man: Hah, Potter! I've got you now! Using an illegal portkey and landing in my creation!
Harry: You created Candyland?
Muck Man: That's right...I may be dirty and rotten, more so now than ever... but I still appreciate the finer things in life such as tooth- decaying candy! *smiles to prove his point*
Harry: Er- that's nice.
Muck Man: And now just take my shortcut *points to it* and you'll get to the finish line much faster.
Harry: Do I dare ask?
Author: Sorry again.
*Harry uneasily walks to the muck-filled shortcut, but then his feet start to sink into the muck, much as they would in quicksand*
Muck Man: Haha, Potter! You can't get out of this mess!
Harry: Help! I'm drowning in muck! Author, do something!
Author: Relax, help will come right before you're about to die, as is always the case in suspense movies.
Harry: How comforting! Heeeelllp! *His face starts to sink...his nose gets covered...*
Author: Ok, now! *Queen Icing flies from a tree and gets Harry out of the muck.*
Harry: *spits out muck* T-thanks. *laughs* Let me think, Hermione, you're Queen Icing.
Hermione: Fine, laugh if you must! You weren't laughing when I was saving your neck!
Harry: Er- sorry. Hey, author, is Queen Icing supposed to have wings?
Author: Um... I don't know... do you?
Harry: NO! The only game I've ever played at the Dursley's was monkey in the middle while Dudley tossed my wand back and fourth with Piers... and I was always the monkey!
Author: Aww, that's too bad. But you're getting off the subject again, Harry.
Harry: Oh... well thanks, Hermione.
Hermione: No problem. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get Draco back for the insults from the All That Parody. Bye! *flies away*
*Harry continues walking on the game pieces for about an hour, until he finally comes to the ice cream castle. He sees King Ice Cream Man sitting on his wafer throne, wearing his crown, and holding his pretzel stick staff.*
King Ice Cream Man: Hahaha, Potter! Look who's King! ME!!!!!!!
Harry: If you call a wafer throne and a pretzel stick for a staff great, then props to you. *laughs*
King Ice Cream Man: I wouldn't laugh, Potter. Guess who the queen is?
Harry: *thinks* Hermione!
King Ice Cream Man: That's- *Just then, Queen Icing flies out of another tree and hits King Ice Cream Man over the head with an oversized ice cream cone. Within seconds, he is covered, head to toe, in ice cream.
Queen Icing: Take that, you little house-elf racist! *hits him until he is covered with wafer bits.*
Harry: lmao rofl! *Queen Icing flies away again and pelicans start to flock and peck at King Ice Cream Man.
King Ice Cream Man: GEROFF! GEROFF OF ME! *Harry ignores King Ice Cream Man and walks to the finish line portkey, which is a candy cane. To his horror, Lockhart is eating it!
Harry: Lockhart! What are you doing here?
Lockhart: Oh...um, I don't know, I jumped into my TV and came to this cool place, everything is edible, even the sidewalk!
Author: The sidewalk? What's it taste like?
Lockhart: Taffy!
Harry: Author, look, he's eating the finish line portkey!
Author: Oh, that's ok. That's his portkey. If he eats it all, he'll be stuck in Candy Land forever!
Lockhart: I knew this place looked familiar!
Harry: That's fine by me! Where's my portkey?
Author: Lockhart's eating it!
Harry: But you just said...
Author: Well it's not taking him anywhere, so it has got to be yours!
Harry: Oh yeah...heh I forgot...*rips the half of candy cane that's left out of Lockhart's grip and gets transported back to the drawing of the house.*
Lockhart: Hey, I'm stuck!
Author: That's too bad. *Lockhart starts crying* Ok fine! Look, the portkey that will take you back to St. Mungo's is somewhere in this board game, just look for purple fruit in a tree; if you can't figure that clue out, I feel sorry for you.*leaves*
*Harry is sitting in the Thinking Chair wondering where the heck Fang and the Author are. Author comes back and the mailbox springs to the Thinking Chair. The mailbox is a lot more plump than usual.*
Mailbox: Good morning, Steve!
Harry: Um, it's Harry, not Steve.
Mailbox: Yeah, and I'm the pope. Listen, have you seen Trevor anywhere?
Harry: No, lost him again, huh?
Mailbox: Yep. And by the way, here's your letter. *Mailbox opens himself and out jumps Trevor onto Mailbox's top.* There you are, Trevor! I thought that croaking sound was my stomach growling. *Harry takes the letter and shakes it back and fourth while singing the letter song; Mailbox and Trevor spring away.*
Harry: We just got a letter, we just got a letter, we just got a letter, wonder who it's from?
Author: Look at the cast list and you'll know.
*Harry ignores the author's comment and opens the video letter. It shows Lockhart sitting at a little kids table at St. Mungos with Crouch, Jr.*
Harry: Oh look, it's from our...friends.
Lockhart and Crouch, Jr.: Hi, Harry!
Lockhart: We've just learned how to paint. I painted myself painting myself. It's strange, I remember seeing this before somewhere. *Holds up his gallery worthy painting* Crouch, Jr. here's painting is a little less articulate. Show him, Crouch. *Crouch holds up his painting of a snake, which isn't Picasso like, but a lot better than Harry's drawings.*
Harry: Um...those are great paintings...*feels jealous of their masterpieces compared to his doodles* Well bye, friends!
Lockhart and Crouch: Bye, Hector! *Harry closes the letter with a bang, rips it up, and puts it in the garbage can which is next to the Thinking Chair.*
Garbage Can: Tis' good to see you again, Harry Potter.
Harry: Dobby? Wow, and I thought my part sucked!
Garbage Can: Tis' cleaner than my house elf pillow case.
Harry: Well that's true; have you seen where the third clue is?
Garbage Can: Yes, sir, tis' in Fang's stomach.
Harry: Naturally...where is Fang, anyway?
Garbage Can: Under the Thinking Chair.
Harry: Fang, come on boy. *Fang comes out from under the Thinking Chair and cowers.* *Harry sighs in annoyance* Well, can you remember what the clue was at least?
Fang: *thinks* Well, I ate a lot since you were gone...I had a piece of Hagrid's best chocolate cake, a goodburger, some french fries, an apple pie... *goes on for ten minutes* Oh, now I remember, the last thing I ate was Hagrid's best grape jam.
Harry: But there was grape jam in the "Name that jar of stuff game!" Why wasn't that a clue?
Fang: That was amateur jam. Hagrid's is much better. He's working on a cook book, you know.
Harry: That's nice. Well now we have our third clue, kids! We need our handy dandy NOTEBOOK! *Takes the notebook out and draws another box and rectangle lid doodle. He writes 'jam' on it.* Now the first clue was a piece of bread, second clue was peanut butter, and third clue jelly. *pictures dance around at top of screen and Fang jumps up and eats them*
Fang: *swallowing the jam picture* It was jam!
Harry: Jelly, jam, same thing! Now we have all three clues! *holds out three fingers and then breaks into song* We found the first paw print that's the first clue, evidently, put it in our notebook cause its Fangs clues, Fang's clues...second paw print Fang's clues...third paw print...sit down in our Thinking Chair and think, think thiiiinkkk. *Sits down in his Thinking Chair and think, think, thinks.* Cause' when you use your mind and take a step out of time you can do anything, that you wanna do. Then why can't I get out of this story? *Author ignores his question*
Harry: So there was bread, peanut butter, and JAM! YOU HAPPY, FANG?
Fang: Yes.
Harry: Hmm... maybe you could put the two slices of bread side by side and paint a picture with the peanut butter and JAM on them!
Lockhart: NO! But good idea, I've got to try that. *gets the supplies and starts finger painting*
Harry: Or maybe, just maybe, it's a peanut butter and JAM sandwich that Fang wants!
Lockhart: Yeah!
Harry: But why a dog would want peanut butter and JAM in the first place is beyond me!
Fang: *growls* Watch it!
Harry: Well let's go get the peanut butter, JAM, and bread, before Fang has a nervous breakdown! *goes to the kitchen and makes some peanut butter and jam sandwiches. All the friends and enemies are gathered around the kitchen table.*
Harry: Hey look our friends are back! *King Ice Cream Man is still covered in ice cream. They all eat the sandwiches with the air of one eating five star quality food.*
Author: So, you've found the portkey, huh Lockhart?
Lockhart: Yes! It was a strange purple fruit!
Author: Um...it was a plum, Lockhart.
Lockhart: Oh yes! Now I remember!
Author: *to self* He's hopeless!
Harry: Well this is the end of the show! And it couldn't have come sooner!
Author: You've got that right!
The End
A/N: Please review. If you haven't already, check out my HP All That Parody, Hermione's Diary, and my songfic!