Author: Xionin
Rating: R or NC-17, eventually
Summary: Set mid-season 6. Begins at the end of 'Once More With Feeling'.
Buffy needs something to make her feel alive, but she already has something, if she'll only open her eyes.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox, Inc. and Mutant Enemy own BtVS and its characters. I just treat them better.
Feedback: Oh god, please send it. I'm a starving artist. [xionin@beautiful-freak.com]
Thank you: Maribel, you're an amazingly sweet and generous person and the most amazing beta EVER.
Pepperlandgirl, you're an inspiration.
=Part 6=
Buffy's body tingles as she walks towards 1630 Revello Drive. Her mind is still back in the crypt; back in the presence of this new discovery of hers: A Spike she'd never known - gentle and patient andso passionate her head is spinning; her blood racing at just the lingering echo of his voice in her ear.
Anyone'd be an idiot not to fall in love with you, hold you close and never let go. I wouldn't be able to let you go.
She swallows hard as the sensory memory of his kisses and caresses replays itself in across her skin. Luckily her legs are on automatic and, before she knows it, she is standing in front of her own front door.
She stops before putting her key into the lock, to take a moment. She needs two, actually.
One to let the lingering heat from her earlier activities fade from her skin; and another to turn her thoughts to the teenager inside.
Although it is four o'clock in the morning, Buffy is sure that Dawn will be waiting up for her, or at least she'll be sleeping lightly enough to hear her come in.
She momentarily debates going in the old-fashioned way - through her bedroom window. Shaking her head, she decides against that and unlocks the door; stepping through quietly.
The house is still and she can hear nothing stirring in the darkness. Perhaps Dawn had given up on her after all. She will have to make it up to her in the morning, though she suspects that her hopelessly romantic little sister will be very forgiving.
Dawn is the probably the only one that will understand thiswhatever this is that's happening. Buffy idly thinks to herself as she heads towards the stairs.
A light comes on in the living room and she turns her head, expecting to see the younger Summers. It is Willow's face that greets her instead. Buffy frowns before she can catch herself. Willow's weak smile fades quickly.
"Hey," the redhead whispers. Buffy backtracks the two steps she'd taken.
"Hey." She glances up the steps and, noting no movement or sound, takes tentative steps into the living room to joinher friend. Willow pats a spot on the couch next to her and Buffy sits uneasily.
"Late night s-slaying?"
"Something like that."
"Were there many baddies out-"
"Willow," Buffy hugs herself, unable to meet the other woman's eyes. "I'm tired."
"II know. I just-"
"Look, can weI meanI can't do this right now."
"Buffy, please." Willow sighs exasperated as her friend retreats even further into herself right before her eyes. "I just wanted toI need to say I'm sorry. II didn't know. Honest! I didn't."
"Keep your voice down." Buffy glances up the steps. Still no movement. She almost wishes Dawn would wake up and interrupt them. She knows that Willow will not drop this until she's had her say.
"Sorrysorry." Willow shifts uncomfortably. A heavy silence lands between them. "I seem to be saying that a lot lately. Sorry." She half-laughs.
"Yeah, well" Buffy shrugs.
"I know. I have every reason to be. I just wish" Willow's voice trails off.
"You wish what?"
"You mean aside from the obvious?" She smiles apologetically. Buffy lets out a light laugh and nods. "I wish that things could have gone differently, but given the chance, I would have done it again."
"Even knowing?" Buffy looks at her, somewhat surprised.
"No, had I known that, I wouldn't havey' know. I mean, given the same information I had in the beginning, I would do it again. I don't regret it, Buffy. The only regret I have is that you're hurting. And I wish I could take that pain away."
"You can't."
"Iknow."
"II need time, Will, to"
"Forget?"
"No!" She turns to Willow, shocked that she would even suggest such a thing. Glancing quickly towards the second floor, she lowers her voice to an outraged whisper. "No. I don't want to forget. I never want to forget. I meantI need time to"
"Oh."
"So"
"I see." Willow's tone suggests indignation and Buffy is taken aback.
"What do you see?"
"W-wellI see what you're saying, even though I don't"
"Don'twhat?" Buffy's frown returns and she straightens her shoulders.
"I don't understand why everyone is so angry with me for trying to rescue my friend from what I thought was a hell dimension." Willow's voice drips with anger. Her voice is harsh and laced with arrogance. Her conversation with Giles, when he'd first returned from England, plays like a bad movie in her head. She stares coldly at the blonde.
"Well, Willow, I don't understand why my friend would expect the Slayer to end up in one." Buffy's eyes harden under Willow's cold gaze. She is unnerved by the iciness of the usually warm woman next to her.
But just as quickly as it came, Willow's disdainful countenance melts away and her eyes are warm again. Almost too warm, as if a mask has been pulled down over her face. Buffy shivers internally.
"I didn't think in those terms." Willow calmly replies. "I just remembered what Angel had gone through, and y-you died an unnatural death, a-and II just wanted you to be okay." She ends quietly.
"I will beokay, that is. I will, but I need time, Will." Buffy sighs. "A lot of time a-and patience. A world of time and patience." Willow smiles half-heartedly.
"Can do."
"Thanks."
"And I really am sorry that you'rethat you were hurt by all of this. I meanwere you really in-?"
"Heaven?" Buffy's gaze softens and she looks past Willow. "Yeah, I think I was. It feltI was at peace, Will. Justdone." She shakes it off. "I can't explain it very well, and every day the details slip away. II'd give anything to get the memories back."
"Hey maybe I could help. I know a sp-" Willow perks up.
"No. Willno. No more spells o-or conjuring. I've had enough magic to last me three lifetimes."
"Ohright." Once again there is silence between the two friends. "Xander is riding the guilty train too, by the way."
"Yeah, well, he shouldn't be summoning demons all willy-nilly. People died, you know."
"I know. He feels really bad about everything."
"He should. If it hadn't been for Spike"
"Spike?" Willow's brow scrunches up in confusion.
"Yeah, Spike. He was the one that stopped me from being on the barbecue menu."
"Oh! Oh wow, yeah he did. Gosh, I couldn't even move thenwhen you weredancing. My body just wouldn't work." Willow's eyes widen at the memory. "I was like 'let's go, body, get to Buffy' and it just flat out refused."
"Don't worry, I think it was partially Sweet's spell and partially, you know: guilt."
"Yeahyay for Spike, then."
"Yeah." Buffy fails to hide the smile that comes. Willow stares at her friend, trying to figure out what's going on in her head, but since she is still in the doghouse, she doesn't press for information. She simply gathers herself up and heads for the steps.
"I am sorry, Buffy, for what you're going through. But I can't lie and say I'm sorry to have you back. I missed you. We all did." Willow searches Buffy's eyes for understanding. She wants to hug her, but doesn't budge. Buffy hugs herself more tightly, clearly uncomfortable.
"I know, Willow. Just give me time. Ok?" She offers a small smile.
"Ok." Willow ascends the steps, slowly. "G' night."
"'Night."
Buffy rises to turn off the living room light before starting up the steps herself. As she passes Dawn's room, the door opens.
"You're back." Dawn rubs her eyes, her voice scratchy from sleep.
"Just."
"I heard voices." Dawn peers around her sister and down the steps.
"Sorry, I hope we didn't wake you up."
"We? Did you bring Spike back here?" Dawn grins as her eyes widen. Buffy laughs softly.
"Nono. It was Willow that you heard. We talked a bit."
"Oh." Dawn does nothing to hide the disappointment in her voice. "And? What did she have to say for herself?" Buffy glances around and lowers her voice even more.
"Mind if we continue this inside?" She gestures towards her sister's room. Dawn smiles.
"Um, yeah. Surecome on in." She clears off a few stuffed animals from her bed and she and Buffy lay side by side facing each other. "So"
"SoWillow said she's sorry."
"Big whup." Dawn deadpans.
"Yeah, well, I believe her. I just don't know what she's exactly sorry for, you know? Whether she's sorry f-for doing it, or just becausenever mind."
"I think I know what you mean." She sighs. Buffy echoes it. "Anyway, I'm not interested in what Willow had to say. What happened with Spike."
Buffy tries to mask the enormous grin that spreads across her face. Dawn responds to it immediately hoping that her suspicions are about to be validated.
"Did you guys talk? Is everythingokay?"
"Yeah. Everything's good." Buffy says wistfully. "Really, really good."
"What happened? You're allI dunnoglowy."
"I am not," Buffy responds in mock-offense. "There is no glowingmuch." She snickers.
"Oh. My. God. Did you?"
"No!" Buffy silently reminds herself exactly who she is talking to, and how old - or how young - she is. "No, wedidn't. We talked. And"
"And?" Dawn props herself up on her elbows, eager to hear every detail.
"Andthere mayhave been somekissage." Dawn squeals loudly and Buffy shushes her.
"Will you keep it down? Geez." She laughs. Dawn calms down a bit and looks at her sister, noting the twinkle in her eye. If she didn't know any better, she would think that Buffy was
"You guys kissed?"
"Yeahwe did."
"And? C'mon, Buffy, I want details." Are you in love with him now?
"You're not old enough for details."
"So you did do more than kiss."
"NO. No, we didn't. We just, um, kissed." Buffy is blushing furiously, but Dawn's eyes sparkle with mischief as she watches her sister squirm under the scrutiny.
"Was it good?" Buffy starts to respond, but then snaps her mouth shut.
"I am not discussing this with you."
"Oso I am not old enough to hear about kissing?"
"Well, we did do morewe talked."
"Ok, and how did that go?"
"Really well." Buffy ducks her eyes and smiles, his words playing on a loop in her mind.
I was re-born the day I first laid eyes on you. Anything that happened before I found you is irrelevant. It's another life. The only one I want is the one with you in it.
"Buffy?" The blonde shakes herself out of her reverie and looks at her sister who stares at her expectantly.
"Okok. We talked. I told him I was sorry, and that I wanted toto get to know him better, like you suggested."
"Good, that's good. What did he say?" Buffy lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. Dawn studies her profile.
I love you, Buffy.
"Hehe's really amazing, Dawn." She sighs.
"Yeah, I know."
"I meanhow did I not see it before?"
"I dunno. I thought maybe you were just blind. That or stupid." Buffy playfully smacks her sister on her hip. "I'm serious. You have a real blind spot when it comes to him."
"Yeah, I guess I door did. Now, though" Buffy trails off, once again pulled into the memory of the evening.
"Nowwhat?" Dawn asks softly.
"Now I'mterrified." Buffy exhales a deep breath. Dawn frowns.
"Of what?"
"Spikeand me. And me and Spike. The whole Buffy and Spike thing."
"So, it's a whole Bike thing?" Dawn teases.
"Or a Spuffy, thing." Dawn laughs.
"I think I like Spuffy better. It soundscuddly."
"Sounds scary to me."
"Now you sound like Joss."
"Who?"
"Some kid at school; a real Shakespeare buff. He thinks that all romance ends in tragedy."
"Oh. That's sadbut sometimes true."
"So you guys talked about beingtogether?" Dawn asks hopefully. "As in a couple?"
"Not specifically, no."
"Ok, I'm confused. What did you talk about, then?"
"Wellwe talked about you, some of the time." Buffy turns her head to her sister, catching her eyes in the dim light.
"Me?"
"Yep." Buffy opens her arms. "I owe you an apology."
"What for?" Dawn lays down, placing her head on her sister's shoulder; her arm across her abdomen. They stay silent for a few moments while Buffy structures her thoughts.
"I should have told you. Everything." Buffy idly strokes Dawn's hair. "Spike made me realize that. You're my sister. We're the only family we have, and II should have told you."
"It's okay, Buffy, I know it's been hard. And when I blew up at you before, I was justI dunno"
"Angry?"
"Wellyeah, but I don't have the right."
"Of course you do, and you were right to lay into me. I've been really selfish lately. Super self-absorbed Buffy." Dawn turned her head to look Buffy in the face.
"You've been dealing with a lot, lately. And we can't possibly understand what you're going through, Buffy. We can all guess, but no one really knows; No one but you. We can't really judge how you deal withwith the being back andall."
"But I really shouldn't have pushed you away, Dawn. Not you."
"BuffyI may be, y' know, younger, but I'm not blind. I can see that you're hurting. Even when you try to hide it, I can see it. A-and I know that I can be a total jerk sometimes. Just chalk it up to raging teenage hormones." They both laugh.
"You're so strange, Dawnie. Sometimes it's like 'Little Women' with you, and sometimes it's 'Hello Kitty'." Dawn frowns.
"'Hello Kitty'?"
"You're just so...young and not young."
"I'm not that young. You were slaying for a whole year by the time you got to be my age."
"True." Buffy sighs. "I know I play overprotective mom, sometimes. It's just thatI don't want you to rush into being a grown-up."
"No, I get it. I'm in no hurry."
"Good." Buffy hugs Dawn back into her arms. There is a comfortable silence and Buffy wonders if her sister has fallen asleep.
"Buffy?" Her voice rumbles through the Slayer's torso. She smiles.
"Hmmm?"
"What are you going to do about Spike?"
"What do you mean?"
"He's crazy about you." Buffy smiles again, closing her eyes and seeing his face before her.
"I know."
"So?"
"I don't know, but I won't do 'nothing.'"
"So you're gonna do something?" Dawn asks before yawning.
"Yeah." Buffy's response is softer. Sleep is in fast pursuit of both of them.
"Can you tell me what?" Dawn's words slur.
"As soon" Yawn. "As soon as I know."
TBC
A/N Sorry for the delay in updates, but I've been working on How Many Days. Thanks so much for your patience and your encouragement.
Mandi -
Thanks for stopping by from Vampire's Kiss. Hope you enjoyed it.
Spikealicious - The Dawn that lives in my head, although prone to tantrums
and teenage angst, is a little wiser than her years. I just can't get past the
fact that she is made of essence and energy that is thousands of years old. So
I tinker with the notion of her as being sage-like.
Pattie - I believed that she was slowly falling for him all along, and
living in fierce denial of that fact. I'm just revealing the truth that I'd hoped
lay just beneath the surface. *whimpers and shakes fist at joss and marti*
Melinda - Thanks so much, I hope you're still enjoying it.
Andrea - Yeah, a little Spuffy goodness can brighten any day, can't it?
;]
Hils - Bouncy bouncy! Now that I"ve gotten most of the non-S/B stuff
out of the way [there will be a bit more] I can get...er...down to business.
LOL
Esile - Thanks for taking the time from your busy writing schedule to
read my ltitle fic. I really appreciate it. :]
Kimbyann - I hope you're not still having problems, or at least that I
am making this worth your while.
Julchek - Hey bebbie! Welcome to my corner of the LJ world. *g* Thanks
for the kind words.
Til next time!
~Xionin