Greetings and salutations, lovers of Lizzie McGuire and DBS! I bring to you Chapter 9, and I do hope you enjoy. I decided to make a list of people that I'm going to incorporate into later chapters, so if you see your name on the list, feel special. If you don't see your name, umm…it was a computer glitch, I swear. But if you don't see your name and you want to be in the story, drop me a note or bug the crap out of Jenn or Rich, who in turn will bug the crap out of me. And there you go!
A list of playas to be added at a later date:
Lyndsey, Bibsy, KT & Lane (RP-ers in da hizzouse!), Gary (who is actually in this chapter) and JP.
Guest stars that showed up once before but will probably be returning for an encore presentation:
Ashley, Amy, Rachel, Dan, freaky-deaky- freakalicious mcguire and Cammy.
It's 7:00! Time for another installment of…Digital Bean Smoothie: Uncut and Uncensored!
* R Kelly's Ignition Remix begins to play as images and sound bites from upcoming episodes flash across the screen, including:*
"The roof! The roof! The roof is on FIYAH!"
"Oh my god, I can't believe you're watching The Proud Family."
"My secret admirer strikes again!"
"Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me!"
"Can I get a toot toot?"
* The opening ends and the camera fades in to reveal the host*
"Hi, I'm Bob Saget. And welcome to another captivating and entrancing episode of Digital Bean Smoothie: Uncut and Uncensored. Thanks for all your calls AND for your votes! Trust me, you WON'T be disappointed! Last week we saw The Fromiez embark on their second mission – to kidnap Kyle Downes, bring him back to Fro Manor, and manage to go the whole time without shagging him! This might be easy for Rich, Scott and Kee, but yet a little difficult for the ladies since they're all horny gals! Oops, did I just say that out loud? Silly me! Ha, ha, ha! Anywayyyy….The Fromiez left the house in the very capable hands of Rachel and Dan. We'll check in with them later, but first let's return to our favorite seven fans of Lizzie McGuire, as they soar through the skies on the way to Canada!"
*Camera fades out as Bob makes a soaring motion with his hand and begins to flap his arms like a bird *
Suddenly, a voice that sounded suspiciously familiar rang out over the intercom,
"This is your captain speaking. Please make sure that all seats are in the full, upright position and fasten your seatbelts as we prepare for take-off. Thank you."
"OH MY GOD! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Amy screamed at the top of her lungs as the plane jolted to life and began to cruise down the runway. She gripped the armrests of her seat so hard that her knuckles turned white. "WE'RE GONNA FREAKING DIE!"
"Amy! Will you PLEASE shut up?!" Kim yelled from across the aisle, throwing her magazine down in frustration. "You've been acting like a complete spaz ever since we stepped on the plane, and we haven't even taken off yet!"
"Yeah, Amy. You need to keep it down, we're in first class and stuff," Aubrey told her from the seat next to Amy. "I mean, there are like, really rich and important people on this plane right now. People that make their living in the public eye and they don't want to be bothered. All they want is a little peace and quiet."
The man sitting in front of Amy and Aubrey turned around, grinning and winking at them in a cheesy way. "Hi, I'm Dave Coulier from Full House. Yes, that's me – Dave Coulier from Full House. I played Joey Gladstone. Would you like an autograph?"
"Excuse me, I'm trying to have a conversation here!" Aubrey snapped rudely. Dave blushed and turned back around, slipping the complimentary headphones over his ears. "Anyway, like I was saying. Really important people are on this plane, somewhere."
"Hot towel?" a short, blonde flight attendant asked a very nervous Amy. The flight attendant plastered a smile on her face and held out a steaming piece of cloth.
"Uhhhh – am I gonna die?" Amy asked the flight attendant, who just furrowed her brow in confusion and moved down a row.
"Hot towel?" she asked Kee and Rich, who were sitting next to each other.
"Hey there! How YOU doin?" Kee replied automatically, giving the blonde a head nod and a goofy grin. She just continued to smile as she plopped a towel on both Rich and Kee's trays.
"I'm just fine, thank you," she replied before continuing with her duties.
"Hey man, did you see that flight attendant?" Kee poked Rich in the side. Suddenly, he jolted out of his world of Morrissey and took off the headphones he had molded onto his head.
"What flight attendant?" Rich asked confusedly.
"Uhhh, only the one with the nicest ass like…ever!" Kee pointed to the blonde woman, who was currently leaning over to help a man with his seatbelt. She was indeed beautiful, with her shiny blonde hair pinned up in a bun, piercing green eyes framed by long lashes, and cute ski-jump nose. However, Rich didn't seem too interested, and he just shrugged his shoulders before returning to the sounds of whiny 80's rock music. "Man, you're totally oblivious," Kee said to his roommate. He just didn't understand why Rich refused to hit on hot girls. Oh well – that meant that there was one less man to worry about. "Uhhh, excuse me – " Kee continued, lightly touching the flight attendant on the arm as she headed to the back of the plane. "But can you tell me what tonight's dinner choices are?"
"Of course," she smiled prettily, showing her gleaming white teeth. There was something familiar about that smile – something sort of eerie, but neither Rich nor Kee could place their finger on it. "The choices for this evening are chicken or spaghetti."
"Hmmm, that's a tough decision," Kee said, tapping his finger on his chin in thought. "I like both chicken and spaghetti. What would you suggest?"
"Kee, quit being such a loser!" Kim bellowed from her seat next to Jenn. "This lovely woman has better things to do than sit here and have you hit on her all night."
"Hey, I'm workin' here, toots!" Kee retaliated. "So just step off, mmmm kay?"
"Why don't I just take your hot towels if you're done?" the woman said in a somewhat strained voice as she leaned over to retrieve them. She grabbed Kee's since he was on the aisle, but as she reached for Rich's, she accidentally knocked into his CD player in the process, sending it crashing to the floor. "Oh no! I'm so sorry, sir," she said frantically as she bent down to retrieve the CD that had become dislodged from the player. "Morrissey! Wow! I absolutely love Morrissey!" the woman exclaimed excitedly. "I thought I was the only one who still listened to him!"
Rich glanced at the woman somewhat strangely. She had to be joking, right? "Uhhh…yeah. Morrissey's cool," he said as he took the CD back from her.
"Contrary to popular belief, I don't think he was all that whiny," she said in an authoritative tone. "I also really like the Cure, another misunderstood group from the 1980's."
"I love the Cure too!" Rich exclaimed, finally cracking a smile. "They're awesome."
"My name's Sandie," the woman replied as she batted her eyelashes at him. "You can just call me if you need me….uhhh…?"
"It's Richard."
"Well, you can just call me if you need me, Richard," Sandie flashed one last smile at him before moving on to the next row.
"Whoooooo! My name's Sandieeeeee," Kim drawled in a mocking voice as she dramatically fluttered her eyes at Rich. "You can just call me if you need me….hot stuff!" Her and Jenn snickered as the plane lurched to life and began to gain speed before finally beginning its ascent into the air.
Rich just made a face at the two girls, and was about to come back with a snippy reply, but was immediately interrupted by Amy, who began screaming loudly as the plane soared through the sky.
"WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE! OH MY GOD, WE'RE –
"This is your captain speaking," suddenly, everyone froze and listened to what he had to say. "Will the passengers in first class please quiet down. Thank you."
"That means you, Amy!" Kelly said from her seat next to the window of the plane. On her other side was Scott, who was separating Kelly and Aubrey. They weren't quite ready to be all friendly again – at least Kelly wasn't. She was still a little angry with Aubrey over the whole Adam situation. However, at this moment Aubrey wasn't presenting a problem but was instead engaged in a rousing game of poker with Scott.
"Ha! Full house! Take that, bitch!" Aubrey cried triumphantly as she threw down her cards. "You owe me your dessert!"
"Did someone say Full House?" Dave Coulier asked as he popped up in front of Scott and Aubrey. "I was on that show, you know! Yes, it's me – Dave Coulier! Would you like an autograph?"
"DUDE! Go away!" Aubrey yelled, shooing him away with her hand. "We're having a poker game!" Once again, Dave turned around shamefully, much to Aubrey's delight. "Anyway…you owe me your dessert, Scooty."
"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, Aubs. I'll pay up. In fact, I – "
"OH MY GOD! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Aubrey jumped about ten feet in the air as Amy's nails dug into her arm. "Hold me, Aubrey! Hold me! WE'RE GONNA DIE!"
"This is your captain speaking," Aubrey jerked her arm out of Amy's grasp and focused her attention on the intercom. "Will the extremely loud person sitting in first class please be a little quieter. Thank you."
"Shhhh!" Aubrey hissed at the girl next to her. "We're not gonna die, Aims. Just chill out." She looked up to see the plane movie screen lowered and suddenly the lights in the cabin dimmed. "See, we're going to watch a movie now. Just relax. What is the movie, anyway?"
"I don't know, but I'll bet Sandie does," Scott replied with a slight edge to his voice. "Yo, Rich – why don't you ask your little girlfriend what the in-flight movie is?"
"I don't have a girlfriend," Rich said innocently, to which Scott just sighed heavily.
"I know that, you doofus. It's called sarcasm?" He motioned for Sandie to come over to their row. "Hi, um, Sandie was it? Can you tell us what the in-flight movie is?"
"Sure! It's The Lizzie McGuire Movie," she said, smiling broadly at Rich, even though he hadn't even asked the question.
"Oh dear LORD!" Kim cried in frustration. "Are you serious? We have to watch that crap? Can't we watch something else? How about that movie where the plane crashes and everyone has to eat each other for survival?"
"OH MY GOD! WE'RE GONNA DIE!"
"This is your captain speaking – "
"Here we go again," Kelly muttered, rolling her eyes.
"Will the EXTREMELY LOUD AND ANNOYING PERSON in first class please SHUT THE HELL UP! Thank you!"
"Why does that voice sound so familiar?" Jenn asked, scratching her head in confusion. "I was gonna say that it sounds like Ben Stiller, but it can't be him…can it?"
"Actually, it is Ben Stiller," Sandie whispered. "But don't draw a lot of attention to him. This is his first flight and everything."
"Oh, I feel so much better," Scott said sarcastically. "This officially sucks."
Sandie shrugged and headed back towards the movie projector, and five seconds later the opening credits of The Lizzie McGuire Movie flashed across the screen. The Fromiez all shifted uncomfortably in their seats as Hilary sung the bubble-gum pop tune "The Tide is High" into her hairbrush and danced around.
"I think I'm gonna be sick – " Rich said in a low voice as he pawed for the barf bag stuck to the back of the seat in front of him. He retched into it, dry heaving until the horrible scene was over.
"We're officially on a flight into hell," Kim quipped as she slumped down in her seat and turned away from the terrible spectacle on screen. "That's it, I'm going to sleep. Night, all. See you in Canada."
"I second that notion," Aubrey said as she positioned her pillow on Scott's shoulder and leaned her head down, dozing off almost immediately. Since he was taller than her, he was able to use her head as a makeshift pillow, thus re-enacting the plane scene from Lizzie McGuire.
The cabin slowly settled down as most of the passengers on board grew weary of the movie and decided to take a little siesta as well. Even Amy was dead asleep and slumped against Aubrey, using her left shoulder as a pillow. For a few moments, everything was quiet.
*Cut to a commercial break! And now, a word from our sponsors! Remember kids, listen to Mr. T! Stay in milk, drink drugs and don't do school! And now we return to our regularly scheduled program!*
"This is your captain speaking. May I have everyone's attention please?" Slowly but surely, The Fromiez all groggily opened their eyes and listened to their fearless leader, Ben Stiller. "I'm afraid that the plane will be hitting some rough turbulence momentarily. Yes, Amy. We might die."
"OH MY GOD!" Amy shouted, bolting awake and shaking Aubrey like she was some rag doll. "Did you hear that?? We're gonna DIE! Ben said we were gonna DIE! NOOOOO!"
"He just said we might die," Aubrey corrected her. "The key word is – whooaaaaa!" her statement was interrupted by a sudden jolt, sending the plane into a frenzy of bumping and shaking. "Okay, yeah. Actually, we will probably will die. Cool!"
"Hey, my soda just flew off my tray!" Kee cried as he watched the cup go sliding onto the floor, the contents spilling everywhere. "I need a new soda!"
"Laaaadies and gentlemen," Ben Stiller said calmly over the intercom, however the intense shaking of the plane made his speech somewhat garbled. "Pll-ee-ase st-a-aa-ay se-a-a-ated. Do-o-o- n-o-ot pa-aniccccc!"
"JESUS HOOFUM CHRIST!" Kim shrieked as the plane took a sudden nosedive, then quickly wrenched back into an upward ascent into the sky. "Ben Stiller should seriously stick to what he knows! He needs to stop flying planes!"
"I think I'm gonna be sick – " Rich reached for the barf bag again and began dry heaving into it.
"Turbulence getting to you?" Kelly asked in a concerned voice.
"No, I just pictured Hilary singing "What Dreams Are Made Of," Rich replied weakly in between retches.
The plane continued to bounce up and down, but surprisingly everyone was silent, including Amy. As Ben fought against the rough turbulence, she just sat there in her seat, squinching her eyes shut.
"So Jenn, I was thinking," Kee finally said, scratching his chin as if he were contemplating something. "I've always found you to be an extremely bright, vibrant and beautiful young woman – "
"Wow, really Kee? That's so nice," Jenn replied, genuinely flattered.
"Yeah. I mean, not many girls are like you. I think you have the charm of Audrey Hepburn, the looks of Grace Kelly and the charisma of Madonna. It's like a mix of great characteristics all rolled into one."
"Awww…thank you so much!" Jenn smiled brightly at Kee. She never knew that he could be so poetic with his words. Maybe there was more to him than meets the eye.
"Yeah, so – want to join the Mile High Club before we die?" he asked as he gave a knowing glance towards the bathroom. Jenn started coughing furiously, trying not to laugh.
"Gee, thanks for the invite – but I think I'll pass!" she said, rolling her eyes at him.
"Playing hard to get, eh? It's okay. I know you'll come around," Kee said casually, leaning back in his seat. However, that was hard to do since the plane kept lurching up and down and up and down, much like a bad roller coaster ride.
"How is everyone doing?" the flight attendant, Sandie, asked as she wheeled a snack cart down the aisle. It banged Kee in the elbow, causing him to cry out in pain. "Ooh! I'm so sorry! I'm just so nervous! I'm afraid that we're all going to die and – "
"And why would you think that?" Scott asked as another vicious jolt rocked the plane. "Ow! This is starting to hurt my butt!"
"Yo Sandie, I need a new soda – and possibly a sammich if you got one," Kee asked her politely. She set a can of Coke and a bag of peanuts on his tray, but at the same time the plane took another sudden nosedive, sending the fresh soda and peanuts straight towards the ground. "Uhhh – never mind then."
"This is just so terrible," Sandie said in a sad voice, her mouth turning down into a frown. "Now I'll have to die without ever finding true love. It's always been a dream of mine to meet that one person who I can spend the rest of my life with as we grow old together. Do any of you have that same dream as well?"
"Boo frickedy hoo and cry me a fricking river," Kim replied dryly. "Jenn, pass me the new People magazine, would you?"
"I'll trade you a People magazine for a Cosmo," Jenn offered in response.
"Yeah so…where's my sammich?" Kee asked.
"Adam is such a two-timer!" growled Kelly.
"Huzzah!" Aubrey cried.
"Wake me up when we're dead," Scott said as he leaned on Aubrey and prepared to return to blissful sleep.
Rich looked around at his fellow Fromiez. What the hell was wrong with them? "Yeah, I guess I've thought about that," he told Sandie. "But I guess no one else really has."
"See, I knew you'd understand!" she said with relief. "For some reason, I just felt like you would. But it's hard for me because I've been looking for love in all of the wrong places, and well, I've found comfort in many, many men."
"Really?" Rich asked somewhat confusedly. He wasn't quite sure what she was talking about.
"Yes," Sandie lowered her eyes in shame. "The thing is that I – well – I like men. I like men a lot. And sometimes I've gotten too carried away."
"What do you mean?"
"Girl's a whore, Rich," Kim said in her non-tactful way as she attempted to flip through People magazine.
"But all I really want is to find true love!" Sandie insisted. "I've just made too many mistakes in my life, that's all."
"It's okay, Sandie," Rich reassured her. "I'm sure you'll find that one special person eventually, and when you do – your past won't matter to them."
"Thanks. I hope so," she smiled at Rich, and he smiled back at her. He would have enjoyed the moment, but something about that toothy grin of hers bothered him. He couldn't quite identity why that smile irked him, but it was a strange feeling.
"This is your captain speaking – "
"GO AWAY!" Kelly screamed, covering her ears with her hands.
"Uhhh….hello. This is your captain speaking. May I have your attention please. Due to the extraordinarily shitty circumstances, we will be making an emergency landing in Michigan to wait for the bad weather to clear up. Thank you. That is all."
Everyone groaned as Ben guided the plane down to the runway of Michigan airport. This would definitely put them behind schedule, and The Fromiez would only have one day to kidnap Kyle and bring him back to Fro Manor.
"This is just greaaaaaaat," Jenn complained as she followed the rest of the Fromiez off of the plane and into the airport terminal. "Stuck in a crappy terminal for god knows how long. I'm so excited."
"Hey look! Check out the sign that guy is holding up!" Kelly said suddenly as she pointed to a distinguished looking gentleman with a red beard holding a sign that said "FROMIEZ" on it in big, bold letters. "I think that's Gary!"
"Gary?! No way!" Kim cried as they made their way up to the mysterious stranger. "Well, kick my ass and call me Rich! It is Gary! Dude! How the hell are ya!?"
"I'm excellent, thank you," Gary said as she shook all of the Fromiez's hands. "Bob called me and told me you guys were in quite a predicament. Since Ben Stiller sucks at flying planes just as much as his movie Mystery Men sucks, he steered the plane right into a nasty patch of bad weather. You all are lucky that you made it out alive. But I wanted to come and meet you at the airport, and bring you back to my house, where you can hang out until your next flight leaves."
"Gary, you rock my socks," Aubrey said appreciatively. "In fact, you rock my rainbow striped toe socks."
"Thanks, Aubrey," Gary replied as he bent down to give The Fromiez a hand with their luggage. "But I've been supporting you guys since Day One. I saw that episode where you rolled Cammy's house – nice job. Very nice job, I have to say. The whole situation seemed to represent a direct antithesis of post number 1020, done by Cammy, which stated that Hoofum was a "special case" and would get what was coming to him. But in this case it was definitely Cammy who got what was coming to him."
"Wow, Gary. That's impressive that you remember all that," Jenn said to him, to which he just shrugged and smiled mischievously.
"It hasn't been forgotten. Nothing is ever forgotten," he stated wisely.
"So Gary, what time did you say our flight leaves?" Kim asked him.
"Oh…um…..gee. Sorry – I forgot."
How are Rachel and Dan doing back at the house? Who exactly IS Sandie? Will The Fromiez be able to kidnap Kyle without shagging him? Stay tuned to find out!