Author: Xionin
Rating: R or NC-17, eventually
Summary: Set mid-season 6. Begins at the end of 'Once More With Feeling'.
Buffy needs something to make her feel alive, but she already has something, if she'll only open her eyes.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox, Inc. and Mutant Enemy own BtVS and its characters. I just treat them better.
Feedback: Oh god, please send it. I'm a starving artist. [xionin@beautiful-freak.com]
Thank you: Maribel, you're an amazingly sweet and generous person and the most amazing beta EVER.
Pepperlandgirl, you're an inspiration.
=Part 7=
Buffy doesn't remember making it back to her own bed. Only a vague memory of Dawn's flailing arms and a slight puffiness on her cheek tells the tale of a midnight accident: the younger sister clocking the older one in the fit of a dream. A half-mumbled sorry and the brunette was back to sleep. Buffy has shuffled into her own room and collapsed, afraid of more inadvertent bodily harm.
The sun shines brightly through her faded, lemony curtains. A quick glance at the clock confirms that it is indeed 10:30 am.
10:30?
She can't remember ever sleeping so late on a weekday. Usually she is up making Dawn's lunch at 7 and
Dawn!
Buffy jumps out of her bed, throws the door open and races down the stairs. Still in a sleep-induced daze, she comes to an abrupt halt at the sight of a bunny-slippered Willow eating a bowl of cereal at the center island.
"Good morning, sleepyhead." She says with a mouth full of Corn Pops.
"Where's Dawn?" The confused blonde asks.
"Uhschool? She left on time, don't worry, a-and I made her something nice and nutritious for lunch." Buffy blinks a few times while the words sink into her fuzzy brain.
Dawn. School. Has lunch. Everything okay. Thanks to Willow.
"Thanks." She says, her brow knitting.
"Sure! It's no problem. Besides, we both thought you could use the extra winks." Willow grins over her bowl before drinking down the sweetened milk. "Did you get some rest?"
Buffy thinks about that for a moment. Yes. Yes she did. She had a good night sleep for the first time inforever. She guesses it was exhaustion that finally did her in; that and Spike.
Spike.
"Yeah. I'm fully recharged and damned close to raring to go. I just need food. And a shower." She glances down the length of her body at the clothes she's been wearing for more than 24 hours. "A shower would definitely be of the good, right about now."
"Feeling moldy?" Willow rises and walks over to the sink.
"And how." An uncomfortable silence settles between them. Buffy stares at Willow's back as the redhead washes her bowl over and over again. Buffy takes a deep breath.
"Will?"
"Yeah?" Willow turns off the water and picks up the towel to dry her dish.
"Look, I" Willow turns around to meet the eyes of her friend. "I'm sorry if I seemedmiffed, last night. This whole time that I've been backit's just been really hard."
"I know, Buffy. I mean, I don't know, b-but I can imagine. And I'm so sorry"
"No, I'm not saying this to get an apology out of you. I'm trying to apologize here. I've been distant and selfish andand I understand why you - did what you did, at least I think I do." Willow slowly approaches the island, standing opposite but not interrupting.
"But you have to understandthis is all soso harsh, this reality. Worrying about bills and trying to keep Dawn in school a-and slaying, that stuff is tough, yeah. But" She sighs and sits on a stool. "It's not just that stuff that's hard, it...it's waking up, Willow; opening my eyes, breathing, walking and talkingall of it. It's too much, sometimes."
"Oh Buffy, I-"
"Didn't know? I know. No one did, well...almost no one." She half-mutters the last part.
"Why didn't you talk to us?"
"And say what, Will? 'Why did you pull me out of Heaven, guys, it was really perfect up there'? I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't lay that kind of guilt on all of you."
"But keeping it to yourself, it isn't good Buffy. You shouldn't have carried that all on your own."
"I" Buffy debates whether or not to tell Willow about keeping Spike in her confidence. After the reaction she got from Dawn, she thinks it best not to. "I know." She offers a small smile. "I promise to try to be more open from here on out. Ok?"
"Yeah, sure. Buffy...I'm here for you, you know. We all are. We're your friends and we love you."
Yes, Willow, but you've also caused me the greatest pain I've ever known. And I don't know when I'll be able to get over it. If ever.
"I knowa-and I love you guys too, justgive me some time, ok? Some space?"
"Sure! Can do. Whatever you need. I'll give you any space you want. I'm space-girl." Both girls laugh as the tension breaks.
"So...we've been crowding you a little, hunh?" Buffy merely smiles. "Sorry."
"I know you care. I do understand, but-"
"But you need to work through this on your own."
"Something like that, yeah." Buffy smiles warmly which makes Willow breathe an internal sigh of relief. All is well.
"Are you hungry? I could fix you something to eat."
"Nah, I'm just gonna take a shower and hit the pavement." Willow gives her a quizzical look. "Y' know, for a job?"
"Ohhhh, right. Yeah." She laughs. "Well, if you need anything" Willow lets the sentence hang in the air and Buffy nods with her eyes. The Wicca squeezes her shoulder lightly as she heads in to the living room. Buffy stands and heads back upstairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a long, hot shower, she feels refreshed and ready to face the day. Now ravenous, she dresses quickly and bounces down the steps into the kitchen. Since it's nearly noon, she feels justified in skipping the cereal and nuking a slice of 'breakfast' pizza.
Popping it into the microwave, she hums a nameless tune and cleans crumbs off the counter, her thoughts centered on a certain blonde. Her hands slow in their task as memories of the previous evening flood her mind.
She can't stop the bright smile that appears, but then again she doesn't feel the need to since no one is around to ask questions.
I wonder what he's doing right now. She thinks. What does he do in the daytime anyway, sleep?
As if in answer to her question, the kitchen door bursts open and a smoldering blanket with black jean-clad legs comes bounding in. Startled at first, she attempts to stifle the giggles bubbling to the surface at the sight of him beating out the small flames on the fringe of his beloved duster.
Just as quickly, though, her mirth turns into anger as she realizes he's risked becoming French-fried vampire once againand for what?
"What are you doing here?" Her tone is bitter and it catches him by surprise.
Back to that, are we luv? Had your quick-fix from the crypt-dweller and now it's back to business as usual?
"Nothing."
"Doesn't look or - *cough cough* smell like nothing. Is there a reason why you're trying to get a permanent tan?" He softens at her obvious concern.
"Well" He drops the blanket to the floor unceremoniously and steps towards her. "I came to see" Another step. "You."
Mere inches separate them, but to each it feels like a mile. Good god, he's gorgeous. Buffy's head begins to swim and she takes a shaky step back, needing to clear her throat before she can respond.
"W-what, you couldn't have waited until later? When there's a slightly smaller chance of combustion?" he shakes his head slowly, smiling.
"No." Not expecting such a direct and succinct answer, Buffy looks him in the eye and feels a twinge of something deep inside. She moves over to the sink in an attempt to regain control of her senses, which are currently being overwhelmed by his presence.
"I think you could have, I meanit's not like there's anything urgent tha-"
He quickly steps in front of her. His hand moving gently into her hair stays her tongue.
"No, Buffy." Her eyes flutter closed at the sound of her whispered name. "No."
"Why do you keep saying 'no'?" She asks breathily. The butterflies are awakening and she trembles at his touch. He brings his other hand up and then uses both to cradle her face.
"I just...want you to understand." He answers; his voice soft and low. Spike's fingers dance along her jaw line, her eyelids; touching her as if she were something precious and fragile. She opens her eyes into his and feels her world tilt.
"Understand what?" She brings her hands up to cover his as they rest against her cheeks. The tremor in her voice makes him swallow hard. He has to look away from her eyes and gather himself. She smiles a small smile, amazed at the myriad of emotions that move across his countenance. When he looks at her again, she senses a shift in him that makes her heart stop for a moment.
"Just this." He whispers, lowering his lips to hers. Their mouths meet as his hands drift from her face, over her shoulders and down her back to pull her into his body. Buffy's arms automatically wrap around his neck. It's as familiar a feeling as if she's done it a thousand times before; everyday for a thousand years.
She sighs into his mouth and he returns it, kissing her softly but so intensely that makes her knees weak. One hand snakes into her hair as he deepens the kiss even more. His tongue laps at her full bottom lip and she opens her mouth in response.
Once again their first taste of each other is overwhelming to them both. They kiss hungrily for what seems like hours before Buffy reluctantly comes up for air. Both pant heavily as they break apart. Buffy places a steadying hand on the countertop and shakes her head slightly to clear it.
"I think I get it, now." She laughs lightly and he smiles a bright, blue-eyed smile that covers his whole face. She cups his face in her hand for a moment, lost in the afterglow. "And can I just say 'wow'?"
"Sure, go 'head." He grins. She taps him lightly on the arm.
"Seriously." She studies him for a moment. "What are you doing here?"
"I" His smile fades a bit. "I just wantedto seey-hoooow things went with, eh, Dawn."
"Oh." Not what she was expecting. "Well, they went really well, I think." She smiles to herself. "I took your advice and told her everything. Shewell, she was hurt, at first, but she's trying to understand. And I don't think she's angry with me anymore, so that's a plus."
"That's great, luv, really wonderful." He smiles warmly. "You and your sisyou're my girls. I can't have my girls on the outs with each other." She turns back into him, placing her hands on her hips.
"Your girls, hmmm?" She teases. "Says who?" Pleased by this relaxed and playful new Buffy, he pulls her off balance and back into his arms.
"I do, pet." He growls playfully. "You. Are. Mine." They laugh together, but when their eyes meet the moment suddenly turns too serious for them both. He lets her go and steps away. She, in turn, walks to the fridge and opens it.
"I don't have anything other than orange juice to offer you. I'm sorry." She keeps her back to him, trying to rein in her nerves and her libido.
"S' ok, pet. I'm good." He leans against the counter, happy to watch her move around the kitchen. Buffy goes about the business of putting the dishes away; anything to keep herself from jumping into his arms. Her head is spinning with the terror of what she's feeling.
And she realizes that he probably knows all of this, since her heart is sending him messages in rapid Morse code.
Yet, instead of pressing herpushing her into somethinghe is patiently waiting for her to make the next move.
That 'hello' kiss leaves no doubt in her mind that he is ready to be the long-haul guy; that last night wasn't just some fling or one-night stand.
In other words, everything she felt for him and about him then is still true. So now what?
She turns and looks at him so intently that it makes him slightly afraid of what may come out of her mouth.
"Spike."
"Buffy?"
She backs up slowly toward the stairs.
"Come with me." She holds out her hand. He stares at it as if it's alien to him. "Iwe need to talk, and we can't do it here. Someone might" She trails off, suddenly nervous that he won't follow her. A silly notion, of course, but there it is.
"Sure, luv." He exhales and steps towards her, taking her hand. She smiles gratefully and leads him to the steps. Their hands fall apart as she begins to ascend. She is about half-way up before she realizes he isn't following her. She turns back.
The look on his face is very, very familiar.
They stare at one another for several dozen heartbeats.
Spike notes the white button-down shirt she is wearing, the way her hair is pulled back into not-quite-a-bun, her faded blue jeans. Even the expression on her face; it's all just likethat night.
The night, not too long ago, when his prayers were answered; his wish granted. His dream fulfilled.
The night she arose and walked the earth again. Returned to him; a gift from whatever power exists.
Buffy notices the slight tilt of his head, the awestruck look in his eyes. She knows what he sees. She wonders if he knows what she saw that night; what she is seeing now.
Slowly she descends the steps, absentmindedly hiding her hands in the cuffs of her sleeveslike she did before.
She hears his sharp intake of breath.
"Buffy." It's a prayer.
"Spike." She stops on the step above the landing, looking him in the eyes; separated from him by only a foot or two. She takes two calming breaths before opening up the flood gates.
"When I saw youstanding therejust like that, that nightI felt a relief - a calm - come over me that I didn't understand." She laughs softly, looking down. "Not that anything made sense just then, but" She glances up at him and his expression hasn't changed.
Godhis eyes. It's like he's looking inside of me.
"Youseeing youI knew then that I was really here and that it wasn't a trick or a dream or whatever." She takes a deep breath. "Wherever I wasit was wonderful, incredible, and I missed itI still do. But I know that I am back now. I knew it that night, when I saw you. When youwhen you took my, my h-hands" Her voice breaks and he steps close to her, reaching up to catch the first tears that fall with such gentleness that only serves to bring forth more.
"S' alright, luv. You don't have to-"
"Yeah." Her eyes meet his, swimming. "Yeah, I really think I do." He drops his hand to his side and remains silent as she echoes his words back to him. She attempts a smile.
"I'm a fighter, Spike. I slay the bad guys. I die." She waves her hand dismissively. "I come back. I know how to handle anything you throw at me, and if I don't, I know that one of my friends - Giles, Willowyou - I know that one of you will think of something, point me in the right direction and send me off to do my job.
"I could handle being broke. I could handle taking care of Dawn. It's tough, but so am I. I could deal. I know how to fight evil.
"But thisI don't know how to deal with this. It hurts." Her tears flow freely now and Spike moves to comfort her, but a hand on his chest stays him. He can only watch and listen to her heart break and feel his break right along with hers.
"How can I function this way? I can't. I-I can't" She looks into his eyes and places her hand on his cheek. "Not without you, Spike." The surprised look on his face makes her smile through her tears. "Why do you look so surprised?"
"UhBuffy, you've got a lot of people that care for you. Red, the Watcher the whelp...Dawnyou're the center of her universe."
"Yeah, I knowand I love her. She's my sister, but she's also 16. And the others-" She looks down dejectedly. This seems to give Spike pause and he nods in understanding. "I'm toonot angry, butI'm disappointed with everyone else to be able to open up to them, but it's more than that."
"I need someone" She sighs heavily. Whatever she is trying to say seems difficult enough that Spike feels he could give her eternity to tell him. This is what it's all about: being there for her. "Well, like I told you last night, I need you."
"And I'm here, pet."
"I know you are." She smiles and wipes some of the tears away. "But it's even more than that."
"More?" Placing his hands lightly on her waist, he tilts his head to catch her down-turned eyes.
"Yeah. A lot more than I ever..." She falls silent. Spike peers over her head into the wooden planes of the staircase, as if the grains there were lifelines leading the way.
"Buffy, sit." He gently pushes her backwards until her bottom connects with a step. She brings her knees up to her chin and hugs her legs.
Sometimes she's such a little girl. Spike muses. He takes a seat to her left as he watches her take her hair down from its confines.
Sitting there, next to her on the steps like that, reminds him of another crucial moment in their history; one that he'll take care not to mention for the painful memories it could bring.
"Listen, luv, I may talk all big and bad, but I'm not invincible, you know." This garners a small laugh and he smiles to hear it. "No really, I don't know if I could handle...what you're dealing with, Summers. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for." He rubs slow circles on her back. Her eyes drift closed and she sighs inaudibly.
Seeing her visibly relaxing, the tears drying, he decides to remain quiet and just comfort her with his touch. After a few minutes, she opens her eyes, turns to him and smiles.
"Thank you." She sniffles. "But that's not what I ..." Standing, she takes a deep breath and begins pacing in front of him.
"First of all, last night was..."
Oh no. No. Tell me she isn't going to-
"...wonderful." She stops to offer a small smile before resuming her path. "A-and I can't thank you enough for...for...being there for me. With me." She pauses briefly, seemingly to gather her thoughts. Spike's mind is on 'record' mode as he memorizes every second of this moment.
"But I need you to understand that it wasn't just...just..." She sighs, frustrated.
"Cold comfort?" He offers. She stops and looks at him.
"Is that what you thought?" He winces at the sound of desperation in her voice. She seems so broken, suddenly.
"No, luv."
"Good, 'cause it wasn't. It isn't. It was..." She resumes her pacing although it is a bit less brisk.
"More." He smiles to himself.
"Yeah, as I was trying to say...before...it's more. With the potential to be a lot more." She trails off.
"Care to share?" He crosses his arms and watches her amused. She's fidgeting like a schoolgirl. So adorable. He never thought he'd ever see this side of the Slayer again; especially lately.
"Well..." she stops and turns to him, her eyes wide; mouth in a grim line as if she is biting something back. Spike's eyebrows knit as he prepares himself.
"Whatever it is, Buffy, I can handle it." His voice is soft and almost sad. He notes the trembling of her lips and wonders if this will be it: the end of his daydream.
"Sorry I'm being so crypto-matic. It's just...I never thought..." She trails off, avoiding his gaze. He looks away, preparing for the worst.
He had said that he would respect whatever decision she'd make regarding their...status. And he knows that he will stand by her, no matter what. But the thought of being so near her after having touched her...tasted her. God! He can still taste her. He shuts his eyes tightly, her voice fading into the distance.
"..so it scares me, but...Spike?" She's suddenly aware that she'd lost her audience some time ago. She narrows her eyes at him, a little annoyed. He gives her a small shrug.
"Sorry, luv."
"Sorry? I-I-I'm standing here telling you that I might be falling in love with you and you can't even bother to listen?"
Bells. Bells of St. Martin in the Fields. Big Ben. Westminster. Her voice is like Heaven's harp accompanied by the most delicious bells.
He swears his heart beats one loud, drumming thump in his chest.
"Buffy?"
"...it takes a lot, you know, a lot for me to stand here and admit that I was wrong and that I feel this way, when it's been hard for me to feel anything at all. That is, except when I'm around you and then I'm like a walking emoticon and a hormone bomb a-and..."
"Buffy!" He laughingly yells over her drabbling. When she stops to wonder why the heck he just did that, he smiles and then breaks into an all-out grin.
"What?"
The slow realization that she's just told him what she'd been trying so desperately to tell him, and that she hadn't even stumbled as the words flowed out of her mouth, makes her body resume its trembling.
"Oh." She whispers, looking up at him with scared, little-girl eyes.
TBC
A/N - I feel this one coming to a close, folks. They have almost gotten to the point where they want to be. I'm guessing two more chapters and an epilogue and we can all dream about the rest of their lives. But we're not done yet, so on to your feedback.
Melinda:
I think we all have that wish. Thanks.
Mandi: I saw an interview with Michelle Trachtenberg and she said the
same thing. And then in a rather astute moment for a teenage actress, she said
'but I understand why the writers had to go there. Dawn had to be the annoying
litle sister for a while before there could be any growth.' Of course, then they
forgot all about the growth part. lol
Pattyanne: Girl, y'know...I just couldn't resist. That scene practically
wrote itself! ;]
Christie: lol @ 4th-wall-breakyness. You make me feel so clever! Now where's
your next fic, hmmm??
Signa: Thank you, hon. I'm glad you like!
Irishwoman: Your email address looks awfully familiar. ;] Dawn is sort
of sage-like in this isn't she? You know what they say about the things that
come out of the mouths of babes.
Ilpopi: Thanks. The fact that we didn't get to see too much closeness
between those two. I'm not sure why that choice was made, but it makes me sad
to think of it.
Rana: Sweetheart, darling...I know what you mean. How could they not
do the 'sister chat'? ::shakes head:: And yeah, you're dead-on with where I was
going with Willow. Didn't mean to get too deep. Saving that for another time.
;]
Julia9: Could you imagine us running around calling it 'bike'? Ick. Thanks
for commenting on the Willow scene. That was hard to write. Harder than the one
in this chapter.
Ali: Yep, no coddling. I can never see Buffy coddling Willow when it comes
to this stuff. She always had little tolerance for addiction, even to the point
of her own perceived addiction to Spike in season 6. Sometimes it made
her seem self-righteous, but in this case I believe she was more than justified.
Lia: I almost wish I could persue the ramifications of the Willow/Buffy
scenes in this fic, but I'll have to save it for another. I do want to explore
that, though, so keep your eyes open for it. :]
Kumi: As I was saying to you before, the Willow I saw in season 6 (especially
in the 2nd half) was sort of a cross between loving, caring gentle willow, and
drunk-on-her-own-power Willow. You guys have me thinking about writing more about
that. Something I have yet to do. Hmmm.
LynS: Well, here's a little more and there's a little more on the way.
Hope you liked it!
Esile: Yeah, I always felt they jumped too quickly from Willow the white
to Willow the black. We saw tiny glimpses of her downfall, but then it was like
whooooosh! Evil!Willow. I guess some would argue that 'Seeing Red' was the catalyst,
but I am talking about even before that. The stuff she did to Tara is far more
frightening to me than the revenge-fest she went on after Tara was murdered.
Rage I could understand. Manipulation? I saw no precedence.
Til next time!
~Xionin